Possessed with Cravings

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-09-2023

Emptiness, Ravenous, Dead unless, I get the fix. Compulsiveness, explosiveness, shame commenced, I lost again. Punishment, was Glutenous. Deserving of, this Sickness. Starve again, Binge again, it never ends, Purge this sin. -EaE

How can I explain it? Imagine you are sitting in your car and you make every effort to get into the drivers seat. But someone else takes over. They drive for you, and no matter how much you want to drive, you can’t. You are just along for the ride, a ride that you do not want to take. A ride that you have forbidden yourself from, yet, there’s another person inside of you that wants the opposite for you. Was I two people? Do I sound crazy yet? I recently started to describe food addiction and eating disordered cravings to be nothing short of being ‘possessed’. Every client I have discussed this with has agreed to some extent. As they too, have felt that helpless feeling of losing control of themselves. It’s like your body goes into an autopilot toward something you swore you did NOT want, while your mind screams at you as the body acts in ways that are out of your control. And then, you accept defeat. The ‘demon’ in you won, yet again. You deserve punishment, and why? Because everyone told you that you did, and because society punishes you anyways, so you might as well reinforce it with more punishment.

People that do not have food addictions or eating disorder’s don’t understand these types of cravings. Why? Because their bodies ONLY crave the nutritional requirements that it takes to keep them fueled. That’s what a ‘normal’ hunger cue does for people. It will ensure that they get fed/ fueled for the day ahead of them. Why doesn’t everyone have a normal hunger cue? Why does everyone have different levels of cravings? How come some people have ‘full cues’ and other people do not? Most of the answers to these questions came to me after I became a behavioral health consultant for Primary care. In this role, I have to give people ‘evidenced based interventions’, in other words, they should leave my office with paper. Either psychoeducation, instructions toward relaxation or cognitive work, or smart goals/ schedules geared toward more behavioral activation. I wanted to help my eating disordered clients, I already knew the risk of just telling them to ‘eat less, and exercise more’. It’s the same thing I heard my entire life, which led to my eating disorder in the first place.

I found an amazing free packet of screenings/ interventions known as EDIT (Eating disorder intuitive therapy) online; created by Dr. Dorie McCubbrey. From what I could tell, it was the perfect way to work with eating disorders on a time constraint; as I only get 30 min per patient, so take home worksheets are essential. One of my favorite worksheets is known as ‘The 3 Reason’s why we Eat’. 1- Hunger, 2- Appetite, and 3- Comfort. A non food addict or eating disordered individual only eats for hunger. That is the actual reason to eat. That’s our body’s way of getting it’s needs met. If you are hungry, you should eat. What’s Appetite? Appetite is something that get’s set off when we develop strong triggers that lead us to have the urge to eat more. Food addicts have very heavy appetites that can get set off from things like: smells, visions; either in person or commercials/ ads or banners and fast food signs, hearing people talk about food, and/ or memories of how delicious food tastes. Going down a grocery aisle with chips was a big example for me. Or smelling french fries while I passed a Mcdonalds sign on my way home from work. Even celebrations can trigger appetite! Why? Some cultures are taught that when you are happily celebrating, you eat. It can become ingrained into your daily habits. Therefore a simple party can even trigger the appetite.

And comfort? Yes, some people eat to comfort themselves. Food creates biochemical changes in our brain which can help relieve depression, anxiety, lonliness, stress etc. When I go over this section of the guide, I ask people to identify their emotional triggers. Most people, if they think hard enough about it, can think of at least 1-2 emotions that immediately cause them the urge to eat, as they know matter of factly that the food will relieve said emotion. Most people with Eating disorders have higher appetite triggers and higher emotional triggers that cause an urge to binge for comfort. That being said, they are no longer eating ‘just for hunger’, they are eating due to a high appetite, and due to mood swings that need instant relief. It becomes an eating disorder when the shame drives them toward a cycle of restricting food, binging food, and/ or purging their food. Why do they do this? Because society told them that they ‘should be thinner’. Society told them that their behaviors deserve shame, and heavy corrective actions. And then we get a double edged sword situation…. “Eating disorder so that I am ‘not fat’, or no eating disorder and then I remain fat? Both are very ‘unhealthy’, what the hell do I do???”

What are the corrective actions that are taken with an ill mind? It’s important to always note, that a healthy mind will take healthy activities and thrive. An ill mind, will take the same ‘healthy activities’, and make them unhealthy. The restrict, binge and purge cycle tends to go as follows: Shame, restrict food, starve and then get the urge to binge, binge and then get the urge to purge it out, more shame and then cycle repeats. What does our mind tell us through this? Here are some examples: “I shouldn’t have eaten that, now I need to punish myself by running on the treadmill for hours.” “If I do not workout everyday, I will get fat”. “I can’t have a single carb, if I do I will get fat and regret it”. “I did everything I could possibly do and I still gained a pound, I need to do even more”. Inevitably, due to all of this exhausting effort, many will get a case of the ‘Fuck it’s’ at some point. Examples: “Fuck it, I’ll never lose weight now matter how hard I try so I’m done trying”, “I’m sick and tired of depriving myself I’m going to eat what I want”. Eventually the behaviors lead back to self hatred, shame, the urge to restrict, and then the urge to binge again.

The only reason I am able to break this down so well now, is because I am in remission and have roughly an 80-90% handle on my food addiction & eating disorder. But make no mistake, when it was at it’s worse (in my early to mid twenties), it was AWFUL. Back to those cravings, those cravings could drive me to do very unusual things. I ate things that were not meant for human consumption sometimes. I would go through two or more drive throughs back to back. I recall eating so much I couldn’t move; horrendous stomach aches. I ate an entire jar of peanut butter one time, the next day I felt sludge pumping through my vains. My binges were quite extreme, I loved to do them with a TV binge and then I would feel this euphoria followed by an extreme low with crying spells. And my restriction efforts? Weighing myself ten or more times a day. Changing outfits over and over until I found one that didn’t make me look ‘fat’. Eating under 1K calories a day or less. Taking many progress pictures and feeling the high of the compliments that I recieved on social media. My purges? Spitting out my food if I did not want the calories in me after all. Using laxatives, especially if I had a BJJ competition coming up. Exercising in extreme amounts; frequency and time. Up to 6-7 workouts a week; usually 90 min to 2 hours long. Dehydrating myself for the sake of competition weight and waking up nauseas. (it’s easier to justify eating disordered behavior when you’re an athlete by the way; its for the sake of the sport!) My Body dysmorphia also led me to misrepresent myself. I sucked in my tummy since the age of 11. That helped me during military waist measurements; I could always get full points. (It’s easier to justify these behaviors when you are in a military oganization; as they push people to do unhealthy things for the sake of fitness)

My very first therapist decided he wanted to focus on my eating disorder. Why? Because I came to him while I was busy in Grad school, complaining that I was getting fat, and I wanted to work on losing the weight. I was too busy and tired to keep up the effort; I felt like a failure. Something very important that this therapist taught me that I try to teach my weight management clients in primary care; It’s not the behaviors that we must address right away, first and foremost, we must untangle our minds. Once again, an Eating disordered mind is too ‘tangled up’ to comprehend ‘just eat right and workout’. You know what they hear instead? “You’re fat, punish yourself with workouts, deprive yourself by starving. Be miserable, because you will never be able to have what you want.” And one of two things will likely happen with that blanketed cliche advice; we will either punish ourselves with the same unhealthy cycle of restrict, binge and purge, or we will naturally rebel against the advice and go back to the ‘fucks its’ of compulsive eating and trying not to care anymore. Either way, nothing ever changes, if our mind never changes.

Below is my list of ‘healthy thoughts related to food/ body image that I have worked on this past year. I give it to almost every weight management client that has a food addiction and/ or eating disorder. It’s what I wish I was told, it’s what I hope everyone can read. I wouldn’t wish this disorder on anyone.

The cognitive reframing- (Healthy thoughts related to Food & Body)

• I’m hungry, therefore I should eat.
• If I’m hungry later, I can eat more of this. But I’m full now, therefore I’ll put it away and do something else.
• It’s normal for our body to scrunch up or have rolls when we sit or bend.
• It’s normal for weight to fluctuate, and it’s okay to have a variation of clothes sizes for when this happens.
• A change in diet and workout routine can alter my appearance, but it cannot change my genetics. (Take the time to distinguish the difference)
• Forbidden foods will only exacerbate my urge to restrict and then (or) binge/ purge. I will eat what I want, and I will strive to practice moderation.
• I love _____________________ about my body.
• My body requires certain nutrients that I want to strive to give it.
• I deserve clothes that I feel comfortable and attractive in.
• Numbers NEVER tell the whole story. More importantly, how do I feel?
• People may throw unsolicited advice at me regularly, but they do not know what my goals are. I’ll take what’s helpful and discard the rest.
• My negative thought(s) regarding my body could stem from mental abuse from people that were projecting their own bodily insecurities onto me.
• My negative thought(s) regarding my body could also be from societal pressures from businesses that stand to gain money when/ if I’m feeling insecure.

Elisa Escalante/ LCSW

Medication taught me that my Mind had a chemical imbalance of some sort

I’m not a neurologist or a psychiatrist, I am a social worker. So I cannot break this down in an intellectual way. I will do my best though. I was prescribed naltrexone from the VA to help with my food/ weed cravings. I have been taking it for over a year now. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel a ravenous craving toward food or drugs. And, for the first time in my life, I feel ‘full cues’ when I’m eating. At first, all I could really tell my friends was that “I actually feel kind of normal now”, what I presume normal feels like anyways. A normalcy of ‘food not being on my mind 24/7’, a normalcy of ‘not feeling a possessed urge to gravitate toward food always’. The normalcy of “Oh I’m getting full, I’ll put this food away”. I had already had some great progress with my cognitive work in individual and group therapy for my eating disoder, but the medication supplemented my progress. It gave me that extra boost I knew I needed, and I am not ashamed of it. It’s not my fault my brain is this way. I am instead, proud that I had the courage to ask for help. I’m also no longer excessively workout out, I am making every effort to manage and/ or lose weight with healthier eating and ZERO shame. What helps is that I also really love to cook! (The talk of medication offends some people, and I want to give a disclaimer that I am NOT telling people to use naltrexone, I am simply discussing a medication that works well for ME)

In conclusion: There will always be shamers unfortunately

As much as I wish the world could become a kinder place, that is not fully in my control. Realistically, we aren’t getting kinder. For example, now there are more plus sized models and clothing brands recognizing that people vary in size and shape. And for everyone of those ads, you will see some keyboard warrior commenting on how everyone wants to ‘glorify obesity’ these days. Little do they know, these same people on the ads that they spew hate at, have made tremendous efforts to lose weight. Efforts that they could not even fathom. They have also been shamed in ways that they could not even fathom. Shame does not help people, helping people helps people. We help by educating, we help by encouraging, we help by assisting, we help by recognizing efforts no matter how big or small. These types of people that shame, they think they are helping but actually doing the opposite, they are causing more harm. They are fatphobic and yet, ironically using language that will promote more of the cycle they supposedly want to stop. Don’t BE THEM. Be a part of the solution, please.