The ‘Wickedly’ Cool Stepmom

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 05-11-2024

‘Do you have kid’s?”

The inevitable question that I get from most of my Post partum clients. Of course, I say ‘no’. But occasionally, I will self-disclose that I did ‘StepMom’ for a few years, which I notice brings the mom patients a bit more comfort; and follow on rapport. After all, that part of my life was quite the learning experience, and humbling in a way that I usually can’t quite describe. I also noticed that it brought me even closer to my own Stepmom, who happened to be one of my primary caregivers from the ages of 11-18 y/o. We got along, then we did not, then we did, then we didn’t, then we did again. And I see my stepmom as one of my biggest supporters and fans to this day. Since I eventually had my own sliver of experience helping with my ex-fiancé’s children, along with the clinical experience of working with people that have family stressor’s, I began to learn that it really all starts with ‘dynamics’.

Just as there is no such thing as ‘Happily ever after”, or “Happy 24/7”, naturally when a family blends; there will be friction. There is often a large clash in family dynamics. There are so many relationships that are starting, forming, molding and/ or being re-created every single day from the moment a new family ‘blends’. For example, take my family during my preadolescence. My Dad and stepmother got married. They had a new relationship to work on. Then I had to build a relationship with my new Mom figure, my brother had to build a relationship with her. My brother and I had to build a new style of relationship with my father who was now married again. My stepmom had to build a new relationship with all of us individually and together too. My younger half-brother was an ‘every other weekend’ child which shifted the dynamics, every other weekend. One of my stepbrothers moved in with us temporarily and… you get the point. This extends beyond the shifts of relationship dynamics and adjusting to a new norm. It’s also the fact that everyone has different personalities, temperaments, values, moral codes, opinions etc.

Whether we like it or not, our ‘Nuclear Family’ in America is forever changed. And people are becoming more mentally aware of this along with the shift in how we celebrate our mother’s. We have Mother’s Day coming up in a country where some people grieve vs celebrate Moms. Some households have stepmoms instead. Some household’s, Grandma is raising the grandchildren, and the Mom is nowhere to be found. Who are we celebrating? And, is the story a celebratory one or a heart wrenching one?

I recall the second year into my engagement (My now Ex Ex), my stress at an all-time high, I was hurt yet again that my fiancé did not even acknowledge the fact that I had been killing myself mentally and financially to help him with his children. I asked him two years in a row: “Hey maybe a flower? Candy? Something? Maybe on Stepmom’s Day? I’m not the ‘Mom’ and would never claim to be, but I’m a damn good bonus parent…” He heard me twice, did nothing. But I opened my mailbox and noticed a card in it. One of my best friends mailed me a ‘Mother’s Day card’. The only one I ever got. I cried. And fast forward one year later, he left me for a much younger woman. He severed our relationship as well as my relationship with his kid’s, in the blink of an eye. And now I am nothing to them. I then recalled how fearful my Stepmom was that when her and my DAd were in the midst of divorce, that it meant ‘She would lose me too’. But, we didn’t let that happen. Because a relationship tie is as simple as the choices we make. And I’m happy we stay in each other’s lives.

Wisdom from my Stepmom:

“What else are you going to do if you aren’t doing school and sports?? Sit on your butt and watch TV all day??” To this day, this is one of my favorite quotes from her. Because I specifically recall feeling overwhelmed between balancing school and cross country, and I wanted to quit. But that question forced me to pause and think. I realized, ‘Well yeah, she’s right, I would be sitting around watching TV if I had my way….’. Sometimes, when I’m exhausted and tired from work, I still ask myself, ‘Well, what else would you be doing? Sitting around, watching TV and going broke??”

“You care too much about people, and it’s going to hurt you a lot one day” I didn’t want to hear this one at the time, because empathy was my saving grace. ‘Fawning’ (people pleasing) helped me survive in such a cruel world, so it was a hard defense mechanism to let go of. But as the decades went on, I felt this lesson in some of the most painful ways possible. Kindness, with a lack of boundaries, is severely dangerous to the mental psyche. And I didn’t actually learn boundaries, as both of my parents were quite strict. They had PTSD, and the inability to believe I could be ‘safe’ if I was out of there sight for too long.

If you’re under our roof, you’re still a kid. The moment you’re on your own is when we will treat you like an adult I took her up on this promise, and did the rare Millennial “18 and out the door” approach by enlisting in the Air Force and shipped off to bootcamp 12 days after my HS graduation. And true to her word she has respected my right to self determine my life. Our relationship has grown beautifully since HS.

You can do It She has told me this so many times in many different ways through many many years. I consider my Stepmom to this day to be one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders. Through all of my accomplishments. It’s rare to have people in adult life that are happy for you, just for the sake of being happy for you. Simply because they love you and they care. ♥️

The Lesson’s I learned as a StepMom:

I’m negligent like my parents before me As a stepmom, I was great with the financial help. I would buy those kids anything. No questions ask. They need it, bio parents are broke, I’m getting it for them. I would also make sure they stayed physically safe! But, where I was lacking, was in the area of emotional attunement. When I was a young child, I suffered from extreme emotional neglect. I realized that this has made it hard for me to connect emotionally with children and adults. I tend to zone out and go into my head when I am suffering in the present moment. Dissociation makes it hard to be emotionally present and connect to others.

I as a Stepmom, will Never be good enough I can’t help but remember my stepmom and my aunt one time venting about how hard being a stepmom is. I was just a kid so I didn’t know what they were talking about. All I could think of at the time was…”well being a step kid isn’t easy either!” 😂 But when I became a stepmom myself, I understood exactly what they were talking about. Stepparents will often be expected to “love the kids like their own”, but not be allowed to act like the Bio parent. Suffer the abuse from the child while not assuming responsibility for disciplining them too harsh. As you are not the bio parent so you have no right. You’re expected to do the hard things, with a smile on your face, never complain, and rarely get rewarded or praised for the sacrifice for kids that… aren’t your kids. Step parenting is one of the ultimate sacrifices, yet we treat them quite badly from a societal standpoint.

I can Grieve even when I’m relieved When my ex fiancé very suddenly called off the relationship, he obviously didn’t think through the damage it can do to his children. To bring someone into their life so suddenly just to push them away years later. I was relieved overall, because it wasn’t the right relationship for me. But, I’ll admit though I deleted all proof I can of him from my life, I kept some of the kids photos. I couldn’t help it. I do grieve them. I hope they are happy.

Conclusion:

This is not to take away from the Bio parents! But, I have written blogs in the past about my Bio Mom, this blog was necessary too. I needed to give some credit to my bonus parent, and I also needed to finally process my journey as a former stepmom. Stepparents can help save families, sometimes. I hope that people either celebrate or grieve in the way they need to. Every holiday that comes around I am reminded by clients and in my own life that there is just as much grief as there is celebration. Never forget who matters and who loves you unconditionally.