Dad Day

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 06-16-2024

“Everyone says that women try to date men like their father, and I wish for me that was the case. But I think I was too busy trying to be like him” -EaE

My father was in, and out, and in, and out and in my life over and over again; he’s a Marine, need I say more? There were also complications in which my Bio Mom divorced him and hid me and my brother from him for years while she drug binged. He wound up being a single father when I was very young. He went through many trials and errors while pushing through his career and remaining stoic no matter what life threw at him. Through my upbringing he liked to give us teaching moments and words of wisdom. I did not fully move back in with him until I was ten, going on 11 y/o. Everything he did made sense to me. He went to a job, wore a military uniform, paid bills, kept up with building a stable household for the family, and rarely complained. Meanwhile my Bio Mom was the polar opposite of stable; chronic drug use, usually unemployed, barely functional. It just made sense to me; if I wanted to achieve an descent stable life, I needed to do what my Dad was doing. He had the recipe to a lifestyle that made sense to me.

Military I enlisted in the military because my Dad served 20 years in the USMC. I was exposed to it from a young age. He often preached about how quickly you gain stability when you serve. ‘Stable job, a roof over your head, education and training, food, medical & dental care and so on’. I was nervous but I recall as early as the 8th grade wanting to enlist in the Air force. Naturally he advised me to join the Air Force instead of the Marine Corps. (This is where the military and veteran readers laugh) He talked my ear off about what to expect through boot camp, technical training and the first permanent duty station. He helped me with driving practice, getting my first vehicle & first official bank account upon my bootcamp graduation. Then he left me to fend for myself for a good while.

Work Ethic I already have what many of my friends considered to be a freakishly high work ethic. I’ve been labeled a nerd, goody good, robot and over achiever. This came from my father and the military. But honestly, not everyone in the military is a hard worker, you will come across some ‘lazies’. There was something about seeing my Dad go to and from a job religiously all through my teen hood that taught me to function this way. In addition, the rule he was most serious about was ‘getting good grades in school’. So, I really had no choice but to mimic his consistency and discipline. I was also told I had to be active in sports while I maintained my A’s & B’s. All of this translated to me being a pretty good military member. (I never received any formal punishments & earned a few awards)

Relationships I recall my Father planning a surprise for my Stepmom for their Anniversary. He showed me the decorations and the gifts and told me “Make sure one day when you’re older you find a man that does this for you”. And to this day, I wonder why I did not listen to that advice. I found myself instead, going after unstable. I once upon a time had a stable relationship, but it was so mind numbingly boring we grew a part. Then after that, I proceeded to have unstable/ messy/ toxic relationships. I went after…. my Mom. Not people like my Dad. But despite my father trying to give me good advice, he also instilled fear. He would throw out one liners; “Don’t get married or have kid’s, you will always be broke”. “Make sure you don’t depend on anyone ever… because they could leave you, and you won’t be able to support yourself”. I’m actually happy about the fear, because I did not marry any of my exes; which would have been…. tragic.

Dad to the Rescue And because I made terrible choices in relationships, it led to two incidents in which my Dad helped me tremendously. First, going through a traumatic break up with the narcissist I was engaged to, resigning from the VA in Brooklyn and asking my Dad to come get me out of NYC and bring me back to CA. He flew down and helped me drive my little Nissan back to CA from NYC with my two cats. The winter storm followed us all the way to TX! My car alternator froze for a day and a half. The more recent incident was just six months ago. I asked my Dad to help me after evicting my recent ex due to him drug binging with another girl and trying to extort me for money so he could get more drugs. My Dad only lives several blocks away from my house luckily, and he has helped me clean up my yard that was trashed by my ex. (Meth hoarding is very real & very much an epidemic in the Mojave Desert. I found this out from the cleaners I hired to help.)

Coping I’ve modeled quite a few coping strategies after my Dad; TV, Music, karaoke, gambling, yummy food, solitude, & obsessions with work projects. Some are healthy coping, while others are a bit destructive. But, we hang out regularly and build many memories together. We are both very ‘mission orientated’ people as we are both Veterans. We tend to make work and important adult errands the priority, but then we know when to wind down and relax. We are both heavily introverted, and don’t like to be around people too often. But we will occasionally go out to socialize; we choose activities that don’t require a lot of conversation. We also know how to sit in silence with each other without a dire need to fill the silence with constant noise. But when we do talk, there is both substance and humor in our conversations. I love our dynamic! I love my Dad! And I am proud to have taken after him in so many ways.

HAPPY FATHERS DAYYYYYY to all the Great Dad’s out there!