Battle of the Sexes

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-14-2023

“Women are more than sex objects and house maids, just as men are more than an ATM or a gift dispenser.” -EaE

In the past decade or so we have seen an influx on research statistics regarding the ‘death of the nuclear family’ so to speak. Some common findings that are coming out include the fact that there are less people getting married, there are more single parent households, there are less people have children in general, there are more money making women now than there has ever been in the history of the U.S. There are more people staying single, cheating or playing the field. Polyamory (ethically/ openly having or loving multiple partners) is on the rise as well. People are in an uproar about these societal shifts, and with any good uproar, what happens? The blame game. Men are blaming women, women are blaming men. I go on the clubhouse app (audio chat rooms) just like I do facebook to hear or read the arguments. It’s cyclical in nature, and nothing ever get’s resolved. “All women are Only fans Ho’s now”, “Men aint shit”, “Women only want assholes”, “Men don’t know how to provide anymore”… etc etc.

I’m going to list off some of the most nonsensical, or ridiculous statements I have heard on both sides (no double standards we are going to keep this fair) and try my best to rebuttle. With change comes friction, but hopefully, eventually…. acceptance. The country is changing. We (some of us men and women) are bringing ‘old fashioned values’ into a new fashioned world and everything is clashing. Once the clash sets in, we experience mental shock and anger. Then blame. Blame blame blame. I believe that there are good men out there that have been hurt by evil women. And I believe that there are good women out there that have been hurt by evil men. And then those hurt souls are walking around with trauma and attachment issues, leaving them more vulnerable, but also more susceptible to getting damaged or damaging. Then the evil men and women go around and continue to hurt more people. Mostly because they can, they don’t care, and no one has dared to hold them accountable. And now, we all live in this deluted world where the people we are supposed to be attracted to and ‘love’ are now seen as our greatest enemy.

(Though this blog is going to talk about heterosexual Cis relationships, I want to acknowledge that within the LGBTQ community; many of the same things will apply. They struggle with their relationships as well, and have the added layer of societal discrimination as they are the minority.)

Women can sell their ‘buttholes’ online and pay the rent Yes, there is a rise of women selling nude photos and/ or porn on the internet, but there are also many women that will never do this as their chosen profession. More than anything, this is a statement of jealousy within a context of “women don’t have to ‘work hard’ and they can get tons of money.” I have never sold my own porn, but I can imagine from what I have seen, porn is WORK. ‘Sex work is work’ as they say. It is a job that people have the right to choose. And, if you do not want to date someone who sells porn, it’s simple… don’t. Also, OnlyFans and other porn platforms are not just for women to seek employment, men can sell their ‘buttholes’ too. The reason it is ‘not as profitable’ for men, is because the largest consumers of porn are MEN, and they often want to see naked women. Frankly, if you talk crap about female porn stars, while simultaneously masterbating to them, you are a hyprocrite.

Men don’t work anymore Plenty of men still work. This is an insult to all of the hard working men out there. It may not be a conventionally ‘masculine’ job, or maybe they decided to…. ‘gasp’! Take … some….. time …. off. Because, we are learning as a society that working ourselves to death can be counter productive. Some women view men as ‘robotic energizer bunnies’ that don’t require rest… and honestly, that is dehumanizing. There are even some men now in the roles as stay at home boyfriends or husbands, or stay at home Dad’s. And though it’s not paid work, domestic work is work too; whether it is a man or woman doing it. And some couple’s can make it work, while simultaneously being happy. But obviously, yes men are still working. They are our supervisors, colleagues, subordinates and more. If you are angry because they don’t do a chore often or they don’t do a chore to your liking, just say that. Imperfection is not the same as laziness, or ‘not working’. Anytime you enjoy a modern luxary today, chances are high that a man helped make it happen.

But can she cook and clean though?? Please stop assigning a woman’s value to her cooking and cleaning abilities, as well as her looks. Women have been in the work force for plenty of decades at this point, why are we still fixated on cooking and cleaning being ‘solely a womans job’? Through all of my military career, college education, therapist and writing career, I cannot tell you how infuritating it is to have all of those accomplishments ‘glossed over’ while someone fixates on the fact that I simply ‘suck at cleaning’. While being mocked and laughted at. (I am a great cook though but that’s beside the point) If you are with a domestic partner (man or woman) then yes; their cooking/ cleaning abilities are important. If you are with a working woman, cooking/ cleaning should not be a high expectation; it should be a role that both parties fulfill/ switch off on. If both a man/ woman are working and paying bills; house chores should be split as 50/50 as possible.

He should Pay! And following up on the fact that women have been working for plenty of decades, we have been making money too! And since we have been making money too, it makes sense that we can also be financial providers. Or even, pay on some dates, or go dutch; whatever. Especially with the cost of living being astronomically high, why is it fair that the man pay for everything? Just like how women aren’t necessarily cooks/ maids anymore, men are not necessarily going to be able to be a sole provider and afford the house, car, kid’s, amenities etc. Help your partner. Don’t hide behind the guise of an old fashioned/ out dated norm. And if you as a woman make money, and you guilt trip him into paying for everything while you hoard your money or go on shopping sprees, I would honestly say that borderlines financial abuse. Let’s (as women) put ourselves in their shoes; with your job, could you afford to pay for all of those dates and every single thing that you have right now? Most middle class American’s require duel incomes in their home’s, so the chances are the answer is: No.

Women get paid less because they work less hard The debate of the gender pay gap is still going strong, though it seems the gap is close to non existent… finally. Truthfully, I do not know about this on a personal level, as I have always worked for the Federal government and get paid the same wage as my male counterparts of the same rank and/ or degree/ licensing. A netflix documentary called ‘explained’ suggests that the gap is due to women often taking on more of the parenting responsibliities, which leaves them unable to work over time. This makes women less competitive for promotions. So the next time you want to pretend women aren’t working hard, consider that they are taking on the bulk of a responsiblity that most men avoid; parenthood. Someone has to do it, and the pressure still lies (as a majority) on the woman. No one can do both at the same time; parent and work. Humans cannot multi task, we can only task switch. This also expalins why less woman are parents now, some choose to focus on their career as they know they cannot juggle both and be ‘highly’ successful at both for 18+ years.

I deserve a man that works, makes six figures, cleans, stays loyal, is tall, is funny, is a ‘bad boy’ but turned good for me, amazing in bed, huge D%$k… etc etc Overall, I believe there’s a trend of many people (these days) having insanely high expectations. Unfortunately for women, they tend to have some pretty extensive checklists that set them up for failure. Sometimes I blame Disney, sometimes I blame Romcoms, sometimes I blame our female peers and ‘mentors’ that preach their ‘words of wisdom’ to us growing up. If you believe you can somehow get everything in the above list, you are delusional. Approaching new people with an extensive checklist is killing modern relationships. One box is not checked off… sorry you’re out! Not to mention, most of the traits or accomplishments above have nothing to do with relationship compatibility: compromising, collaborating, teamwork, accountability, good intentions, empathy, gratitude, shared values, relationship or family oriented. If anything, make that your new list.

Women need to let men “Lead” again Women don’t need to let men lead them. Women do not need to submit to men. Women do not need to necessarily live with or marry men. Women are free to do what they want. If they want a relationship, cool. If they want to stay single, also cool. If they want kid’s, cool. If they do not want kid’s, cool. America is supposed to be the land of the free, why not try to keep it that way by respecting every individuals ‘right to self determination’? Or does that only apply where we ‘think it should apply..?’ Freedom is freedom. Women shouldn’t be able to control men, men shouldn’t be able to control women. No human should be able to control another. No human should be pressured to submit to another for that other person’s ‘gain’. I want to believe and hope that there is no such thing as a ‘second class citizen’ anymore. That is what we have been trying to eradicate with many social movements.

I don’t ‘Need” a Man, period. And, while it is technically true that we (women) do not need to live with, marry or financially depend on men….. We still NEED men. Just in different ways. Unless you are living in the wilderness like Tarzan with zero technology and living off of the fruits of the land…. you need other people; men and women. Even if you are a woman with a career, good pay, and your own apartment or house, you do need men in the world. You might need your male (hypothetically) supervisor at work to direct you, or your male colleague to engage in effective teamwork. When you grocery shop, when you purchase any service provider, when you hire people to help you with things you cannot do independantly, chances are you are relying, sometimes, on men to help. Some men may have hurt you and traumatized you, and for that I’m sorry for you. I know the feeling. But, it does not mean ‘men ain’t shit’. There are still men that are not only kind, but doing incredible things for our society. We need each other. Maybe not always intimately or domestically, but we damn well better learn to get along.