Sob Stories

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-05-2023

“I have felt pain without religion, distraction, drugs or love.” -EaE

There was a time (that I briefly experienced as a young girl in the 1990’s and a teen in the 2000’s) where sob stories were taboo. Talking about sad things and sad feelings was forbiddin and frowned upon. Poverty and sob stories were teased and shamed while riches and prosperity were glamorized and congratulated. The norm was to ‘not have a sob story’, and if you did have one, you HIDE it and pretend it never happened. If you tried to bring it up, you were met with statements of: “It’s in the past, don’t think about it anymore”, or “It shouldn’t effect you anymore because it’s in the past”. In the later 2000’s to present day, I noticed a shift. I noticed it professionally while I worked in the mental health clinic as an Air Force mental health receptionist. We went from having two reluctant intakes a week, to about 2 new intakes a day. People slowly but surely started to flood our offices, voluntarily, to talk about their problems. In a military organization of all places… where the stigma is even stronger compared to that of our civilian population.

What happened? As more people started to open up about mental health concerns, more people started to realize that sometimes, it’s normal to have problems. Sob stories are the norm? Mental health symptom flair ups are normal? Someone is suffering from what I am suffering from? You mean, I can actually talk about my depression and anxiety and anger without being put in a straight jacket and locked into a padded room?! Some people were still very nervous about getting help of course, but there was also plenty of people that loved the idea of it and recommended it to their friends and family members. We noticed more people walking their friends to the mental health clinic, and waiting for them in the waiting room.

Fast foward to 2020, the Covid pandemic created a different sort of epidemic: An influx of human beings rushing to online therapy and mental health clinics. At this point it was no longer ‘just becoming a norm’, it was a full fledged overwhelm on the mental health & social services systems. I had only been a licensed social worker for just shy of a few years when the pandemic hit; I was absolutely not trained for what came next. Statements of “Everyone should have a therapist”, “Don’t be afraid to seek help”, and “Mental health is just as important as physical health” became the norm. Social workers and therapists overall started to prove their worth as the need was so strong. We even started finally getting realistic pay for the amount of work we do.

What was the strangest thing for me during the pandemic? If I’m being honest, it was actually the first time in my entire life that I was ‘more ill’ than at least half if not more than half of my patients. Meaning my PTSD, hypersomnia, and depression began to flair up to the point of severe levels, while many of my clients at the time were able to quarantine and receive unemployment and tame their mental health concerns. But, because of the nature of a mandated quarantine along with the 24/7 access of screens, they still demanded regular therapy. The talks were no longer about how to cope with mental illness, but more so, how angry they were about the day to day; the smaller things. Their grubhub order or Instacart order was delivered incorrectly. The President said X, Y, Z. Being cooped up in a small dusty Brooklyn apartment really sucked, but… they could not ever go outside because people don’t comply with masks and social distancing.

My boundaries were so poor, and I could not deny it any longer because the consequences of those poor boundaries began to rear their ugly head during the pandemic. Sometimes, for some people, Therapy can become addicting. And if they also get a sense of ‘entitlement’ with their therapy, it becomes a cyclical effect of burning out their therapist, codependency on their therapist, and then in turn issues with self advocating, taking accountability and/ or self soothing when they are alone. Remember I say ‘SOME’, not all mental health clients, just… “SOME’. I had some clients that were amazing with boundaries; clients that would remind me that our hour was up and never keep me a minute past their hour. But then, I also had clients that made numerous attempts to call me between sessions to squeeze in additional phone sessions throughout the week. I even had a client yell at me if I didn’t answer their many call attempts between their sessions. (It didn’t seem to occur to some people that my caseload was overflowing due to the pandemic and I barely had 5 minutes for lunch some days… let alone a whole extra session or phone call). All that mattered was, there was another sob story, and then the next day, another. And then, another.

Working for my particular Vet center was a nightmare, they gave me a work cell and told me to call my own clients when I got sick so that they did not come in. This is absolutely a receptionists job. There’s a reason for that. When I called patients to tell them I could not come in to work because I was sick, at least a couple of them wanted to talk to me regardless. Even on my days off, I couldn’t get a day off. My health was deteriorating. I recall reading about America’s ‘Mass resignation” from the years of 2020 to… well present day most likely. I am a part of this mass resignation and so are plenty of other therapists, nurses, teachers and so on. Meanwhile other jobs have grown rampantly; life coaches, mental health ‘influencers’ etc. I first noticed TikTok in 2019 or 2020; people also loved sharing their sob stories online now. Some people have specific niche’s on Instagram and TikTok to talk about mental health. Survivors sharing their stories, therapists sharing evidenced based coping tools, and even Randoms’ that had ‘one psych class’ many many years ago sharing their ‘knowledge’. I saw some amazing stories and some amazing advice, I also saw some pretty awful advice that made me cringe over the years.

Going to people for an emotional outlet is NOT inherently a bad thing. It used to be so feared that we had to insist to many that it was beneficial. But, now we live in opposite times where it is insisted upon. I learned about the term “Ableism”, meaning when you are easily able to do something that someone else cannot, and then in turn you may feel superior to them or egotistical about your own skills. I do agree with the term, but not always how it is thrown around. After all, how can you know that something comes ‘easier to someone else’ than it does to you per say? What if, they are trying harder than you through their own mental health conditions? Mental health conditions that they choose not to share? After all, they are still invisible wounds until they are talked about. Some people use ‘ableism’ to suggest that ‘they are unable to do anything’ because they are ‘more ill than most people’ and ‘suffer more than most people’. For some people, this may be true, but for many, it is not. In general, most humans have a great capacity for some things, and a very limited capacity for others. Most people have general talents, and things they struggle with. And, most people suffer from some type of physical and/ or mental illness of some sort at some point in their lives.

Don’t Enable

Enabling someone that has an endless amount of sob stories could look like giving them free therapy or free emotional outlets 24/7 while that person has no intention of making any positive changes to their life. It could look like helping someone the moment they put themselves in a victim role; over and over again. It could look like giving someone money often because they are always ‘in a bind’. I’m not talking about onesies and twosie incidents by the way. It’s normal for people to struggle and to need help sometimes. I am talking about behavioral themes. I am talking about when something becomes a pattern. We can enable people in general; our peers and family members or even ‘helpless’ coworkers that should really be learning to do their job and pulling their weight. And, as I discussed earlier therapists can enable their clients too. Despite what some people may think, mental health therapy is NOT meant to victimize people and lead them to believe that they are ill to the point of ‘helplessness’. We can do just as much harm convincing someone they are helpless as we can when we judge someone for having hardships. I don’t want to see either extreme on the spectrum.

Empower

What I love about new school therapy is that it is meant to empower people. Let’s explore your mental health conditions and/ or your social problems and empower you to find a way to tailor your life accordingly. How can you heal? How can you overcome? How can you persevere? What changes should be made? How can we motivate you to make those changes? What are your stuck points? How can we help you get through them? What’s the best way to self care? Are you taking your rest days and are you also making sure your good days are productive and helpful? The spirit of therapy is not to give people an endless supply of ‘vent sessions’, it is to help empower them to take positive actions in their life and overcome their struggles. I am all for ‘more sob stories being shared’, I am not for the idea that we portray someone as ‘helpless’ just because they have a sob story. I have found that being in a role as a behavioral health consultant for primary care helps me help others. Why? I have to give people ‘evidenced based interventions’ during most appointments, I have to encourage them to create goals and work toward self management. This role is better for me, and it makes me a better clinician for the patients.

You can Sob while you ‘put the work in’

There is nothing that says that when you are having a hard time, ‘you must be helpless through it.’ What does your intuition actually tell you? Or, what does your therapist tell you assuming you cannot trust your intuition? For example, I can get so depressed that my body goes into a zombie state and my mind goes into a fog. I know I must get outside and move; though my body and mind tell me otherwise. It’s so hard that sometimes I’m walking .000001 miles an hour and barely able to pay attention to my surroundings, but I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ve cried through workouts, and work. Sometimes I step away for a bit, and eventually I do get back to my goals. Some people have panic attacks at work and need to use their break and do their deep breathing exercises. Some people have anger outbursts and instead of taking it out on their family they have their alone time in a room where they can punch things. Then, they get back to their family after they used their anger diversion/ outlet. Many people grieve while they go about daily life. They take some time to be by themselves, and they take some time to be with others, and they take some time to distract themselves into oblivion. There are many ways we can balance sobbing, panicking, anger, grief, stress with both nothingness and productivity. Find the ritual that works for you. You deserve to live at your most optimal state of being.