The Situationship

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-02-2024

My friend showed me her journal entry about her mental struggles adapting to a situationship. She had allowed me to post the journal entry anonymously, and I will write my responses below the pictures.

I love this journal entry from my Friend, because it’s talking about something that is so foreign for some people, yet so common for others. The new norm of dating has turned into what people are calling situationships, and sometimes; delusion-ships. I tend to call them: The “Gray area” relationships. Meaning, the “Non nucleur” or “Non labeled”, “non titled” romantic relationships. It’s not marriage, it’s not engaged, it’s not “boyfriend or girlfriend” labeled, but … it’s NOT nothing either. There’s a connection. Dates. Maybe some romance. Maybe some fun. But is it simply “F@&k buddies…?” Nope. Because the rules of “f@&k buddies” are typically “sex only”, nothing else.

Many are theorizing that the new norm of the Situationship is a result of extensive childhood and relationship traumas. Not to mention the technological advancements of dating apps and social media. This has resulted in us learning a lot more about infidelity, and manipulation tactics that we should stay away from if we want to be emotionally safe in a relationship. Many more people now fear permanency and over commitment. However, it is still a natural human instinct to need connection. But, more people are realizing that romantic connection doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship has to turn into living together, talks of marriage, or even labels.

From what I read in the journal entry, my friend is now learning how to appreciate what is called the “ebb and flow” of love. The way it moves in and out of our life like an ocean wave. She’s also understanding that she cannot necessarily capture the love and trap it. Because it is not hers to catch and trap. Her situationship person has to voluntarily decide to give it to her; if that is what they want to do. She also reflects on how trying to capture and trap love and confine it by rules has caused more harm in the past than good. Whether this Situationship is forever or just temporary, I can see that there is growth in her emotional processing and in her thought process.

Another key take away, is that she almost did have the “nuclear family”. She wrote about the time in her life where she was living under one roof with the father of her child, and their baby. The “Norm”. The “what people should aspire to”. With the rules, and boundaries, and non negotiables, and expectations. Yet, it wasn’t forever. And many other people that go above and beyond this and get married, still suffer through divorce. Many before us and many after us will.

What we see through the experimentation of loving intimate relationships, is a bunch of humans trying to trap their love with rules and expectations. All the while maintaining the belief that it (the new relationship energy) will be permanent and forever. And though “forever” is technically a choice that two or more people have to make day after day, emotions and feelings aren’t a choice. Meaning, we cannot force someone to love us. We cannot force someone to stay in love with us. And a human cannot force themselves to love when they don’t feel loving. Hence, why we also see many miserably married couples that just refuse to divorce no matter how much it kills them inside; it’s to maintain the “permanence” and the illusion of a “happy forever marriage”. Or perhaps they value the concept of “forever marriage” more than they value their personal happiness.

Do I actually believe in happily ever after marriages? Sure, anything is possible. However, I do believe that it is extremely rare, and I don’t believe that everyone is actually meant for marriage. And in this case, the option of the situationship might be beneficial for those that do not fit into the nuclear category. After all, who are we to judge what “feels right” for someone else?