Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 07-13-2026
Over the years I have noticed that there are certain mental health conditions that are compatible when it comes to dating or living together, while other’s are like ‘oil and vinegar’; they just don’t mix. Some even create a dangerous chemical reaction and cause toxic cycles/ explosions to occur. In this blog I am going to discuss common dynamics and themes amongst people that have mental health conditions and enter serious relationships. We will explore both healthy and unhealthy dynamics. This is obviously not a concrete black and white subject, I am discussing themes. There will always be ‘exceptions’ to the rules.
Unhealthy example: Depression & Anxiety Couple- When one person has anxiety and the other person has depression, the anxious person tends to exhaust the person with depression, and the depressed person tends to infuriorate the person with anxiety. The anxious brain needs reassurance, answers, stimulus, sometimes a bit of chaos. The anxious brain obsesses. The depressed brain is way too tired and numb for any of that. The depressed person can’t summon up the energy to keep up with their anxious partner. The anxious person get’s frustrated that their depressed partner ‘does not care enough’. The depressed person is worn down from the energy their anxious partner expects them to be able to ‘keep up with’. Both misunderstand and misinterpret each other’s symptoms. They may frequently feel as if they are triggering and/ or failing each other. They may end up leaving each other more wounded.
Healthy Example: ADHD & Depression Couple- The partner with ADHD will excite the person with depression, giving them much needed happy chemicals. But also, the partner with ADHD will get torn in other directions and projects around them. During this time when they pull away, the depressed person will have the much needed space in order to rest and recover their social battery. The partner with ADHD may get guilt tripped by other types of people, but their depressed partner will likely not be as hard on them, they’re too tired/ numb to make a fuss of the noticeable distractability symptoms. The ADHD partner will be free to dive into their projects and allow the rest of the world to melt away. And they will in turn not be pestering their partner with depression to ‘keep up’ as their projects are for themselves. This type of couple will likely know when to come together for fun/connection, and when to give each other space.
Unhealthy example: OCD & ADHD Couple- A partner with OCD may need to feel in control in order to avoid a sense of helplessness and chaos. They need order. They prevent the bad things from happening. They have perfectionistic qualities. Their partner with ADHD will likely scatter them. If they try to obsess and take control over someone with ADHD, they will suffer more. Since people with ADHD do not aim to control their environment, they are run by the external stimulus of their environment, these couples will rarely see eye to eye. They will likely have completely different priorities and a completely different sense of what they view as important/ valuable. The partner with ADHD is likely to anger the partner with OCD as they could accidentally disorganize the order in the home with their neurodivergent ways. In turn, the partner with OCD may lash out and harm their ADHD partner with guilt trips and shame.
Healthy Example: CPTSD where both people ‘fawn’- There’s many different types of childhood wounds that could lead to CPTSD. And every person will develop their own unique survival strategies. But what happens to fawners? People that learn to people please in order to survive their abusers? IF they meet someone that is selfish, malicious and/ or abusive, they are very vulnerable. But, if they are lucky enough to meet another people pleaser, they could potentially thrive. Fawners are often hyper independent. They learn to self soothe on their own. But, sometimes they might also neglect their own needs. But, their people pleasing partner will not allow them to do that. Both partners are going to be in tune with each other’s needs, reminding them of their own personal self care that they are neglecting because they fuss over each other. They are the true ‘mind readers’ of couples. Because they understand what it’s like to not be able to state needs out loud. They understand that their screams for help have to be silent.
Functionally Mental 