Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-02-2026
I am afraid that we are perpetuating a visious cycle. We tell people, after heartbreak due to betrayal, to simply take the time to ‘heal’. Then, eventually, they should put themselves out there again. To possibly get hurt…? Again? This advice is probably fine for someone that had an amicable break up, but for those that were betrayed to a point that they developed complex trauma symptoms, it’s not as simple as ‘time’ and ‘healing’. In dating, when people get into new relationships when struggling with distrust from the last relationship, they do more damage. Because even if time passes, the wounds will likely flair up again, the second people develop a new romantic connection. These are also known as fear based relationships.
Plenty of traumatized people are going around traumatizing each other; creating a society full of distrust. In dating, in platonic relationships, in work relationships, family relationships and so on. The reason the issue tends to be more potent in romantic dating, is because this type of relationship is ‘higher stakes’. What does this mean? High expectations, more energy put into the relationship, and therefore a higher likelihood of let down, betrayal, pain, heartache. In modern times, we have conflicting messages. Some say we should ‘raise our standards’ to protect ourselves from being hurt. Others say we need to lower our standards and be realistic, because no one is perfect and we will have to ‘settle’ if we want to settle down. It’s literally in the phrase.
To love means to risk. But are we taking it too far? Are we too wreckless or are we too guarded? Some will say that we shouldn’t make choices based off of our trauma? But is that necessarily a bad thing? Trauma creates walls to protect us, and we decide who will get the key to the door next. Not based on a strong chemical feeling, but based on discernment and time. And when it comes to love , there are many artificial things disguised as love. As we gain experience and hurt, we learn the difference.
Control disguised as concern: Has anyone ever ‘cared about you so much’ that it felt smothering? They wanted your location? They needed to know where you were at at all times. They made it clear that they could not relax unless they knew you were safe and breathing. But, it felt like you had to give up your autonomy and your peace to give them this reassurance. They do not call it control of course. They might disguise it as anxiety/ concern. The point isn’t to ensure you are well, it is to help them feel less helpless and to have more of a sense of control. If you have already let them know that this behavior stresses you out and they continue to do it, they decided that taming their anxiety is more important than your peace. Their trust issues have morphed into abusive behaviors. If you are a victim of this, you could become more guarded/ withdrawn. If you are the perpetrator of this , you are only perpetuating your own suffering. The more you try to control, naturally , the more others will pull away; triggering even more attachment anxiety.
Love bomb disguised as romance: Relationships are transactional things. It is rare that it is solely about romance/ loving feelings and nothing more. This isn’t to push people into pessimism or hopelessness, but to help people be more aware. If someone is selling you what feels like a fairy tale love story, there are important follow up questions. Love alone cannot build a long term committed relationship. Toxic love could also put you at risk of staying in an unhealthy relationship for too long. Those powerful dopamine and oxytocin chemicals may cloud your judgement. If it feels like someone is love bombing you very hard and fast, explore the possible ulterior motives based on the information you have so far. The harder thing to combat is the denial. When in love, you may want to believe in the best case scenerio because the feeling of love is addicting.
Toxic situationship disguised as ‘casual’: Two parties agreeing to casual? Fine, nothing wrong with that. One party talking casual, while the other person hopes to go from casual to serious? This is the path to the toxic situationship. One person is strung along and delusional, the other is gaining benefits without exerting much energy. Many people with trust issues love situationships. They can reep rewards without risk. I always say that the person that ‘loves less’ in a relationship dynamic, has more power and control. And this is an ethical responsibility that many people abuse. Love is a very easy thing to exploit. Understand that when you are in love, you are vulnerable. If someone is deeply in love with you and you do not feel the same, you hold a lot of power. You have an ethical responsibility to not abuse the power. If you abuse it, you are more guilty than the delusional person that stayed. You will hurt them and perpetuate the culture of dating distrust.
Time filler disguised as possible interest: Now people talk about ‘the roster’. There’s nothing inherentaly wrong with dating multiple people, if you are honest about it. meaning, no one that you are talking to or dating should be led to believe you are monogamous with them, if you are not actually monogamous with them. If you are leading a roster of people on to fill your time and to get you some attention/ dopamine, but then you drop them for someone else out of no where, you are the perpetuating pain/ distrust culture too. Using the label of ‘single’ as your excuse to be unethical and lie or lead people on is a cop out. If you care about someone, and you know that the truth will hurt them, so you hide it, you know what you are doing. On the flip side, when you’re in the early stages of casual dating, you have to be aware of the fact that other opeople may approach it differnetly. Some people become monogamous after the first romantic talk, others do not become monogamous until after an exclusive relationship is agreed upon. Or, some people are polyamorous and will not become exclusive to you, ever.
The relationship escalator as the ‘end all be all’: The relationship escalator is a social construct that we have built based on love, connection, sovereignty, social influence, religious practices, values, morals, ethics and more. It is the concept that when humans are in love, they are ‘supposed to do x,y, z about it. Maybe date first and become monogamous together, eventually commit with a ring, move in together, have kid’s and be together forever etc. This construct became so reinforced over time (in only some countries) that it turned into concrete practices/ values/ beliefs. So much to the point that plenty of people become hurt, upset if they fall in love with someone that does not want the same thing. People that do not want the escalator become judged/ ostracized in society, and people that tend to conform might settle too fast/ too soon; in the Honeymoon phase. It’s toxic to rush someone or force someone into this escalator. It is also toxic to lie and pretend that you want it when deep down, you do not. These lies lead to double lives, resentment, lying, cheating, betrayal and so on.
Conclusion; Reflective prompts: Where do you start when you want to date or love with honest intentions? When you want to do more good than harm and when you want to do your best to prevent the spread of distrust in dating? Start with your values? What do you actually want with love and dating? (Stick a pin in what others have told you to want) How have you accidentally hurt people over the years? Did you have good intentions but notice that you have patterns or themes? Have you felt conflicted in relationships before? What lies did you tell to keep the peace? Did you know when to detach? Or, did you stay for far too long? And if so, why? Can you have difficulty conversations about love or the relationship or do you run away from it? Can you trust others or have you found a way to categorize and comparmentalize your trust to your benefit? What are your deep internal wounds in your earlier relationships and how do they make you vulnerable to being hurt again?
Functionally Mental 