Functionally Mental

Elisa Escalante/ LMSW/ 4-2-2020

“Most people do not possess the capability of listening with unconditional acceptance” -EaE

     Searching, screaming and looking for a way to communicate those issue’s you have been suffering through all alone.  Why is it so hard?  Why are your griefs and complaints often met with judgement, criticism, and conversation enders?  Why does it feel like most people do not give a shit?  The answer is that most people do not give a shit.  That is the harsh truth that you, I and everyone does not want to believe, but so often it is the case. 

     Let’s explore why… it isn’t necessarily “antisocial” tendencies or “narcissism” in our peers and family members.  These are terms for mental “disorders” that society is increasingly throwing around while not actually knowing the official meanings and diagnostic criteria.  Truthfully, we throw them around because they are easy, and easy is comfortable.  Slap the label on someone and that can help justify why “they have wronged you and you are right”.  One simplification that can help, is remembering that if “Uncle Bob” does not want to listen to you talk about your depression/ anxiety, it’s probably because it is a very uncomfortable topic for him and/ or… he does not give a shit. 

     This does not mean that we should give up hope, this does not mean that we deserve to be unheard.  What we need, is to remember that all of this is a potential barrier and silencer, and it never stops.  The constant judgement and deflection we face when talking on emotional pain is the primary cause of us shutting down.  Do not hope that you will be heard and empathized with, for you will be disappointed repeatedly.  Only hope that you can learn to risk the vulnerability of emotional expression because you recognize that there is more to it than just being heard.  It is about practicing your own outlet.  Talk, get it off your chest, do not assume the listener will be open and expressive.  Do not dare wish for it.  Sometimes it is safe to assume otherwise.

    Now, where was I?  Yes. many people do not give a shit.  Humans have a natural selfishness to them; we should not blame them, as we belong to humanity as well. We all tend to have some of the same selfish tendencies.  To put ourselves first is sanity, after all. Some people may want to hide from the emotional talk because they fear their own empathy, they fear breaking down too.  Or they fear you breaking down in front of them, for they will then be tasked with the burden of having to “comfort you”.  Listening is one of the hardest skills to pick up, many cannot do it the proper way. 

     Do you want to test what people value the most?  It’s as simple as a few clicks of a button these days.  Go through social media, notice how few people show attention to the mental health stuff vs how many views/ likes there will be on the latest “ideal beauty fad body”.  Generally speaking, the more hot bods in a picture, the more cherished as evidenced by likes/ follows/ comments. 

     People may not give a shit about all the important things, the things of substance, value, and the things of genuine concern in this world.  Some may prefer distraction, deflection, denial and isolation.  It is okay, for we all have our defense mechanisms.  We are all guilty of partaking in these defense mechanisms as well.  It is hard for most people to care about things above and beyond themselves.  Think about what we are asking for after all.  A more empathic world, a place where humans want to talk and interact about emotions they were trained to suppress/ deflect.  That is intimidating!

     So why engage in emotional expression even when knowing the world may not give a shit about your problems?  First off, what are you trying to communicate?  Why is it important to be heard about a specific topic?  Has the emotional issue’s been building up and festering?  Have you been judged for said topic in the past?  No matter the reason, engaging in emotional expression is for you.  It is about you, not necessarily about the reaction of the receiver.  Quite honestly, most of the times I have admitted to a family member, friend or acquaintance about at least 1 of my 4 mental health conditions, it was typically met with unpleasant reactions.  Examples include strange staring, silence, judgmental punchlines, denial, deflective statements and/ or laughter. 

     As hard as it can be to engage in the vulnerability and risk of emotional expression, the positive result is what it can teach us.  It teaches us, most importantly, who we can and cannot trust in regard to sharing.  It gives us a gauge of who is open to listening vs those that we may only want to have the “silly distracting humor” convos with.  There is value in this knowledge, and it is next to impossible to morph that deflective friend/ family member of yours into a compassionate and empathetic human being. 

     Now, let’s talk about “Freedom of will”.  I ask every client to talk about what this expression means.  Freedom of will, means that we have the freedom to do and say as we please, and to not do what we do not want to do.  Truly appreciating freedom of will, also means respecting that every individual in your life has their freedom of will too.  You have the freedom of will to practice discussing your issues at your own liberty whenever you want, and the person on the receiving end has the freedom of will to not give a shit and/ or insult you.  You then, have the freedom of will to make boundaries with them, or curse them out, or block them off, or just realize they are not emotionally expressive or educated.  We have the freedom of will to express ourselves just as much as other’s have the freedom of will to hide their mental health issues with every fiber in their being. 

     Everyone asks me “Elisa, how do you do it?  How can you be a therapist?  Isn’t it hard to give advice and be ignored?  Isn’t it hard to always see people messing up their lives?”  My answer always starts with the above paragraph’s concept.  I absolutely could never have been a therapist if I did not learn to respect and value freedom of will.  It takes the pressure off and reminds me that my clients, like myself and everyone else, have that freedom of will to decide how badly they want to make changes in their life, and what they are willing to do/ risk to make these life changes.  I am a healing agent, but I have no true say or will over another person’s life, as they do not have power over mine.

     So, people may not give a shit, but we don’t need them to.  What we need, more than anything is to continue practicing our freedom of will, freedom of emotional expression, and the “unconditional other people acceptance” of knowing we may not get what we need on the receiving end, but it’s okay.  It should never disrupt the process of emotional sharing; a million people’s ruthless opinions will NEVER change one simple fact: It is healthier to express and share than it is to hide under the pressure and burden of silence.  They have the freedom of will to not give a shit about our feelings, as we have the freedom of will to continue sharing despite the harsh reactions.  After all, we didn’t get this far in our lives by living in an empathetic world.  People that are already sharing in emotional expressions out loud are extremely brave, and what we teach the world above all, is that it is okay to do so.  Let nothing silence it! 

“You’d be surprised how painful it is to search for peace” – EaE

     As a human, therapist, writer, veteran, friend, fiancé, stepmother and mentally ill person functioning in a complicated society, I feel compelled to start this blog.  Every day we wake up, we do a variety of things in relation to confronting, deflecting or avoiding our mental health symptoms.  This includes Self-care activities, defense mechanisms, coping tools, forced activities, forced interactions, pushing ourselves mentally and physically through fatigue, ruminating on our past and questioning our futures, avoiding the temptation to have outbursts that will result in potential consequences and… so on.   

     Everyday the above is happening, and everyday we avoid talking about it.  Are we talking to walls or are we talking to the defense mechanisms of others?  Do people really “not understand” what we are talking about or do they not care?  Or are they in denial?  One theme that continues true through our sufferings is that the more we feel misunderstood, the more we shut down.  Forced into a life of suffering emotional issue’s in isolation.  Mainly because much of the feedback we are subjected to involves shaming, blaming, misunderstanding or a complete lack of empathy.  As lonely as it is to hold things in, most people recognize that sharing has its risks too. 

     I want this blog to be a source of truth.  I also hope it can be a go to place for those that are stigmatized and pressured to the point of acting “functional” while ill to please the ever-growing demands of society.  We may often find ourselves in a constant losing battle.  It is likely that the expectations thrust upon us through life accompanied with our adversities and traumatic griefs may create a common theme of shame, disappointment, depression, anxiety, anger, crying outbursts and so on. 

    Are we strong or are we weak?  Are we “ill” or are we “normal”?  Are we resilient or not?  How is this measurable without knowing someone’s story?  How can some people “function” and “thrive” while others seem to fall apart?  Does appearing “functional” mean we are functional?  Are feelings including crying outbursts even wrong?  Why are we hiding these things?  What is self-care and are we doing it right?  We know that happiness is not a permanent state and yet we desperately partake in quests to find it.  And if not happy, then maybe, at least an escape? 

    Some people have been officially diagnosed on paper with a mental illness.  Others have never been diagnosed but deep down they know they may need to get help and are contemplating it.  Others have not been diagnosed and struggle daily, but do not feel they have the time to start prioritizing their mental wellbeing due to XYZ.  Then, maybe some people are truly happy and feeling okay with no mental health conditions, however as a human it is inevitable that they will experience depressive symptoms, anxiety, grief, anger etc at some points in their lives.  No one is immune to emotional pain; however, we find it very difficult to talk about it. 

     Why is talking about it important? Why is processing pain vs suppressing it so crucial? We can think of emotional pain in the same way we are taught to see and process our physical pain.  Pain is pain, and it is meant to tell us something. Physical pain will alert us to the danger of what we are touching, or a physical injury we have been subjected to.  Emotional pain will also tell us something, but we must be willing to pay attention to it.  Emotions are never wrong, they are just often suppressed and misplaced to a point we may become unrecognizable to ourselves. 

     For me, I have learned that emotional expression isn’t about “whining” or “ruminating”, rather it is a healthy method that many of us should have learned a long time ago.  Instead, society has clung to the myth that trauma’s, griefs and emotional discomforts are better left unprocessed, not talked about, and “in the past where they belong”.  But, pay attention to our countries ever growing suicide rates and answer this question:  Do you believe we are oversharing or under sharing our emotions?  People need help that they are not getting, but even worse than that: they are too afraid to even ask for it.

     Many believe they have successfully accomplished the feat of “not letting things get to them” and maintaining stability despite all the odds stacked against them.  Many believe their suppressing/ deflecting methods work as they can remain “functional” meaning working full time, going to school, raising families, socializing and so on.  Functional by societies standards does not mean you are fine.  It is not about what a person can force themselves to do, it is about what it costs them to do it. 

     I am very excited to start this blog and hope to provide a different way of looking/ thinking about our mental health.  If you are a living/ breathing human being, this blog is for you, as we all experience a life of traumas, grief, emotional pain, emotional suppression, self-medicating and so on.