Functionally Mental

Cry Baby

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 06-04-2020

“You can look at all external factors of a person’s life, and believe that you understand them, or know their pain. But you won’t. Suffering is an internal, emotional bleeding. By the time it is truly seen, it may be too late.”

I used to hate myself for being the “cry baby” of my family. The cry baby anytime someone said anything remotely hurtful to where I had to suck in tears all day and let it out at the end of a school or work shift. I hated how quickly the tears surfaced behind my eyeballs the moment any external trigger, whether it be an individual person or unfortunate life event, happened to hit me the wrong way. As a matter of fact, one of the major reasons I enlisted in the military was to “deal” with this issue. If I cannot toughen up on my own, perhaps the military can do it for me. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect and it took me a long time to realize why. Despite what our societal and military teachings tell us, we do not actually “toughen up” when horrific events and extreme discipline happen to us. Rather, we learn to suppress pain even more. The accumulated build up of anger may cause rage, the accumulated buildup of anxiety may cause agoraphobia. Then, the accumulated buildup of depression may cause… crying spells.

If we cannot process, address, and heal our mental pain, we will bleed it instead. Emotions are never wrong, but they can often get misplaced due to the demanding nature of life. Accompany that with a deep-seated fear/ stigma of emotional expression, people often have a hard time placing where their triggers are coming from. Most people have admitted to having anger, anxiety and crying outbursts that appear to have “come out of nowhere”. However, if we think deep and hard about our personal histories, we may realize that there were life events that justified our sadness and grief. Can we give ourselves permission to cry and to grieve? Can we give our loved ones that permission and validation? Our coworkers, our peers?

I can honestly say that I have been torn through life. I am a crier and I have had so much to cry about, but I also had this military and martial arts background. I, like many, have been torn between facing trauma and pain, but requiring a presence of apathy, or courage and strength. Crying was a luxury, reserved for the bedroom when no one was watching. Even if I secretly wanted the outlet in public, it would have been a direct insult to the people of my helping profession, military work unit and anyone that is threatened by the reminder that yes, sadness does exist in this world. I had absolutely put this theory to the test in the past many times, and my grievances were often met with deflective and invalidating statements, even from other mental health professionals sadly. My clients have put it to the test as well with their friends and loved ones, to be met with similar responses.

Scientifically speaking, crying is an outlet/ release that can help humans feel better, but societally speaking it seems to be viewed as a “negative emotion”. No one wants sadness, but it exists. No one wants to deal with trauma, grief and depression and everything that comes with it, but it is an inevitable part of our suffering. If we train ourselves to block off these crucial emotional outlets such as crying or ‘venting’, we lose touch with ourselves. If we are not aware of how sad something can make us, we lose sight of when/ where to implement healthy boundaries. It is very possible that a human being may continuously expose themselves to high amounts of suffering but have no clue the amount of damage it may be causing.

As stressful as our occupations may be (work, parenting, school), they do serve as a form of avoidance. Meaning, if we are engaged with a busy activity for long periods of time and at a high pace, we are not feeling. Humans tend to want to gear more toward productivity and false positivity, they believe it is the way to happiness. Then they cry and/ or drug the pain away later when no one is watching. A part of what makes mental illness so hard is the unbearable feeling of loneliness people experience when there is no one in their world talking to them about it. It can feel extremely scary when people start to believe that “they are the only one” that is engaging in crying spells, mental breakdowns, fleeting suicidal thoughts and an overall hardship with living daily life. We should remember that in most cases, people deflect and invalidate our pain not because they are ‘stronger’ than us, but because they are terrified of being vulnerable. Vulnerability shows strength, a strength many of us cannot seem to muster.

Overall, the world needs more answers, we need to talk about this. The cry babies need to know they are not actually ‘babies.’ Since I could not cry at the appropriate and opportune times to do so, my crying came out in loneliness, during binge cycles, during sappy Romcoms and sad movies, during a strenuous workout or competition. My cry outs come in the form of my journaling, blogging, social media posts as well as my nightmares. Some may read this and think ‘wow that sounds like a sensitive and weak person that cannot handle life’. However, anyone that knew me through my teens and twenties would have never guessed that this is who I was behind closed doors. The perception was that “I always had my shit together and everything seemed to come so easy”. Unfortunately, from a young age, I hated waking up and facing the day ahead of me, and still do. I saw the world in a negative light, and still do. I saw in the flesh, the tragedy of what war can bring, and I still see it. I fight it on the daily, I help my clients fight their battles on the daily. Self-healing and self-care are beautiful processes if we are ever fortunate enough to learn them.

This applies to every human in the world, we absolutely do not know what our coworkers, friends and family members are suffering through unless we open the dialogue. It is terrifying but we do need to ask the real questions sometimes. Do not hide behind conversations about candles and towels, dig deep. Do not change the subject the moment someone introduces the topic of mental pain, it exists. For the sake of ourselves and others we must dig deeper if we want to support each other through mental battles. Do not believe that perception is reality. Do not believe that difficult and complex emotions have easy solutions and answers. A person that smiles everyday could be the next suicide victim.

The Fuel of Expectation

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-30-2020

“You didn’t choose an easy goal, therefore you cannot expect an easy path”

It is absolutely imperative to identify, adjust, manage, and monitor our expectations. What do expectations stem from, and what do they mean for us? An expectation is about being taught what we deserve, or rather what we have “earned”, even though we have done nothing for it. With these expectations, comes anticipation. Then, with a build up of anticipation we will arrive at either one of two things: either gratification or extreme disappointment.

Of course, some expectations are more reasonable than others. Expectations come in all shapes and sizes and can be deeply influenced by our cultural & societal backgrounds, community and households. Examples of healthy expectations may include something like this:

⁃ I expect that people do NOT harm me or violate my body.

⁃ I expect to be properly compensated for the hard work I did on this job.

⁃ I expect the product I buy to work.

The expectations above are examples of expectations that foster boundaries and self care. If the expectations are violated, the next step is to self advocate to have these reasonable expectations met.

Below are examples of expectations that are often unreasonable and can lead to major disappointment:

⁃ This person (intimate partner) must take care of me and tend to my financial and emotional needs.

⁃ I expect to have a high paying job, car, home, spouse and kids by the age of 25.

⁃ I expect this person to do this job the same way and at the same pace that I would do it.

The above expectations are high risk and may foster extreme disappointment, resentment and/ or shame. Why are they high risk? Primarily due to the fact that they require another human being doing something we want. We have no control over what someone may or may not want to do for us. The other issue is rigid timelines in an ever changing society/ economy. If we have an expectation that may stem from the generation before us (such as home/ stability/ kids) but we live in a vastly different/ higher cost of living economy, expectations may need to be altered or changed.

Another thing to pay attention to is key anticipatory words/ phrases that tend to be the set up of most unreasonable or unmanaged expectations. These key words/ phrases include:

⁃ They must

⁃ They should

⁃ I should be

⁃ You have to

⁃ They need to

⁃ I deserve

⁃ But they promised

Anticipatory phrases often need to be reflected on and challenged before going any further. Such as:

⁃ “but why should they?”

⁃ “Why do I deserve this particular thing?”

⁃ “Why do they have to and I don’t have to?”

⁃ “Why do they need to?”

Expectation is the balloon, anticipation is the helium or air filling up the balloon. Then a third party person and/ or outcome might end up being the pointy object that bursts the ballon and causes emotional dysregulation. Emotions include shock, frustration, anger, resentment, depression, anxiety and so on.

If we find ourselves constantly getting disappointed and hurt by our external environment to include our friends, family members, peers and what feels like random awful life outcomes, it may not actually be a coincidence. Truly it’s one of two things, if not both. We may be surrounded by a toxic environment with toxic people, or we may have an expectation management issue.

A rather toxic series of expectations involve expecting from another person, something that we are not willing to do ourselves. There is an entitlement aspect to these. Examples include:

⁃ All house chores

⁃ All child rearing

⁃ All gainful employment

⁃ All financial responsibility

– All listening

I have seen many households suffer from the above list, as dynamics shift and people are left constantly arguing about who should do what. What is fair? What is a reasonable expectation in our household and what expectations are unreasonable and therefore met with backlash? High and mismanaged expectations can cause wars between intimate partners and family members. Relationships are like verbal contracts. If the contract no longer works and builds resentment, it’s time to redo the contract or shred it completely depending on the level of toxicity.

Why is this important to work on? Primarily because it CAN be worked on and changed, and it can reduce unnecessary stress and altercations. The next challenge for anyone hoping to identify and manage their expectations would be to pluck out those anticipatory phrases and expectations and dissect when/ why it became ingrained in their mind. The key to understanding our unmanageable expectations is to understand ourselves as well as our influences that have taught us what we deserve and should expect from the people and the world around us.

It is NEVER a ‘happy’ Memorial Day

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-23-2020

“It is a dark, painful and torturous path to take. And we do not do it for reward, we do it because it’s right.” -EaE

What do veterans and military members think about when Memorial Day comes up? Typically, it is not about a day off, a celebration or a sale. They may smile to save face, they may go to the BBQ’s, but their mind may not be celebrating, rather mourning. One of the most painful things about traumatic grief is how often it is invalidated or swept under the rug, as if there is no such thing as painful loss because we “signed up for this”. Or perhaps military members and veterans are perceived to be ‘so strong’ for the hardships they have endured that maybe ‘they do not feel pain or mourn’ like the rest of the population…? I am here to tell you that is wrong, and the veteran that smiles through everything post deployment and post military service are not always happy or okay. It could potentially be the opposite.

What is going through our minds when Memorial Day weekend comes up? Below are a few possibilities.

We are Remembering and/ or Mourning:

Losing coworkers/ comrades in military service and war. Sometimes by combat related means and sometimes due to suicide.
Almost dying (for those that almost did die during missions)
Losing clients (healthcare/ mental health care military workers)
Remembering traumatic events and close calls
Remembering hearing about death/ loss nearby, by other troops on near by missions.
Mourning our own career’s and what we miss about the camaraderie of service
Missing our military identities
How disconnected we feel from other’s
The war/ mission itself (believe it or not some want to go back to war for the familiarity or trauma bonding)

Memorial Day is not about celebration, but about remembrance and solemnly honoring those that have died sacrificing themselves to service the country. Many veterans have served and ‘made it out alive’, however, it would be reasonable to assume that many of them have lost at least one person if not more. Some of them may never want to talk about it. Some veterans may numb out and ‘not feel’ anything when this weekend comes up, perhaps it is too much to process. While others will hide so that their emotions are not witnessed by others.

We may have signed up knowing that deploying and losing others was a risk, but no one understood how heavy the loss would feel. The other factor to consider is that single episodes of traumatic grief is often met with sympathy and compassion. Such as the loss of one individual stateside that is important to us. However, the country has a funny way of trying to celebrate large scale traumas. Such as 9/11 with a museum and money generated off the horrific loss of others, as well as an entire ‘holiday’ weekend for those that have died fighting for their countries. I equate this to a fear of feeling and vulnerability. No one wants to think about or feel trauma on that grand of scale, but it is necessary to acknowledge when tragedy has happened. It is necessary to acknowledge when there are living/ breathing people still suffering from those tragedies.

I have absolute confidence that most of our civilian counterparts have no clue how deep this weekend may hit some military members and veterans. Also, many get it mixed up with Veterans day weekend, which is celebratory. It is not on purpose; it is just something to be addressed and an incredible learning opportunity for many. Currently only 1% of the population is serving in the military and only 8% of us are veterans. We do not have a lot of people, a community of those that can give empathy is valuable/ crucial for our healing. Instead of thinking about how we may ‘celebrate’ memorial day weekend, hopefully we can think about how we may remember and honor those that we have lost due to military and/ or war trauma and the horrific aftermath of chronic “invisible” wounds.

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared” – Lois Lowry

“Fake Bitches”

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-20-2020

I am going to address the stigma of ‘mean girls’ and discuss where I believe this stigma comes from. It is no secret that this view exists amongst both men and women. The question is, why? Something I talk about with most of my clients is how societal teachings also exacerbate our mental health. “Men are taught to suppress their emotions, and women are taught to hate themselves”. In a recent blog, I discuss the ways in which men are taught to suppress emotions and how we can tear down those walls. This blog is discussing how women are taught to hate themselves from young ages, and how it translates to insecurities, envy, jealousy, and verbal altercations.

How it starts- visualize and compare- (roughly ages 4-9)

From a young age, girls are often glamorized. We are princesses, we are damsels, we need to win over the affection of a man to save us. We visualize ourselves in adult form and make predictions based off what we see in our households (moms, grand moms, aunts, female guardians etc). Then, there’s magazines, books, movies, TV, social media too as kids are starting younger and younger. We have role models, how can we not? We have not hit puberty yet but there are women we look up to, there is often a view of what we believe we may look like when ‘we grow up’. Even as early as six years old I looked in magazines and felt an insecurity about my ‘pot belly’ as the women in magazines had flat tummies and long/ slender physiques. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best outcome! Unfortunately, at the age of 9 my stepdaughter started to express feeling fat. I remember a similar feeling around that age when I sat and saw my fat shift. Having fat does not mean obesity, and as brilliant therapists before me have pointed out, ‘fat’ is not a feeling.

How it progresses- Adolescence and Body changes/ shaming/ bullying (10-18)

When the body changes, the critics and judges come out to play! The boys, the girls and sometimes even the parents. The reality is that society has so many expectations, technically, we all fail. No one can live up to all of it, but as evidenced in mental health research, the largest developmental milestone for teens is to be accepted by their peers. It is crucial to have acceptance as we approach adulthood and need people in our network. These pressures for young girls include academic pressures, dress & appearance as well as behavioral pressures. For the most part, many will crack under the pressure and find ways to ‘win over’ approval/ acceptance. Sometimes even winning acceptance by the ones that are bullying/ shaming us in the first place. Because, who wants to be bullied?!

Regardless of what ‘we have’ or ‘don’t have’, we are wrong either way. For example, a young girl that is developing late will be ridiculed as well as a girl that is overdeveloping. Somehow our biology and puberty cycle is ‘our fault’ and we’re roped into feeling shame about it. Breast sizes, butt size, thigh size, waist size. Aside from visual appearances we then start to obsess over numbers that are getting thrown around. Pant size and weight on the scale. Those poor girls that were really a size 2 or 3 stuffing themselves into size zeros for the sake of saying they wear a zero. Ouch! I will call it our modern-day corset except it was squeezing at our hips. (The early 2000’s was all about the sexy low-rise jeans!)

There is more! Face, makeup, dress, appearance, and behaviors all matter. Teen girls are making “mistakes”, and corrections. We could fairly call the Jr High and High school experience the ‘On the job Training’ (OJT) practice for adulthood in how we are socializing and presenting ourselves to others. Some teen girls may have pleasant experiences with a lot of positive reinforcements from peers, family members etc. Other teen girls may have negative reinforcements, shame, low self esteem patterns and the vicious cycle could continue well into adulthood. Unfortunately, this is also the time when some young girls with insecurities may notice a boost of self-esteem/ social status when they ridicule, tease, and put down other girls.

Teen hood starts the vicious ‘magnifying glass’ effect. Meaning when we make one mistake, the magnifying glass is on us and follows us through every mistake after. Unfortunately, the magnifying glass of society glosses over our accomplishments and focuses narrowly in on the mistakes. Thus, creating the cycle of shame about our body, appearance, behaviors, and overall self-confidence.

How it thrives/ breeds- Adulthood (18 to perhaps indefinitely…)

Remember our parents/ guardians telling us how it will all end once we are out the door, away from the immaturity of school and onto emerging adulthood focuses? Ha! The reason I use the term “fake bitches” in this article is because I want to address something especially important. The terms I have heard throughout my entire adulthood that I find particularly alarming include: “All women are bitches”, “Women are fake”, “that woman is a fake bitch”, “Woman are bitches, I would rather hang out with men”. “Women are evil” etc. The reality is most women are not “fake bitches”. Most women are fighting to be loved and accepted, something they were deprived of during crucial stages of development.

Understand that when we have this mentality against women, and we use these phrases and believe it down to our core; we are perpetuating a cycle of hate. Onto ourselves as women and onto other women, who will then feel more shame. Yes, I too was labeled a ‘fake passive aggressive bitch’ back in my days serving in the military. Why did this woman feel this way about me? “Because I didn’t speak my mind” or “say it like it is”. Now, as I dissect this accusation, I can see that she was triggered by my quiet personality, she did not trust it. Why was I quiet? Was I ‘fake’? Does quiet mean fake? Quiet, in my case came from my southern roots and my childhood trauma. But who’s asking?!

Not all women are that aggressive, some say nothing at all but silently burn/ brood with hate and envy over a female that may jab at her insecurities for whatever reason. There is a lot that we (women) can do for ourselves if we can combat these hateful urges that stem from deep rooted insecurities. It is not our fault that society forced us to hate ourselves and compete. It is our fault, if we do not acknowledge this pain, process it, address it and fight to undo the damage and wrongs it has caused. We owe it to ourselves to remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about our minds, bodies and spirit, society was wrong for demanding perfection out of humans.

My challenge for women

Stop judging It turns out that the more we judge ourselves, the more we judge others. Also, the more we judge others, the more we judge ourselves. It is cyclical. There are absolutely some things we have a right to be upset about, but the way other women choose to look, behave, or express themselves is rarely one of them. It rarely has impact. If it does impact us strongly, we need to ask ourselves why it hurts us vs judge the one that is provoking that insecurity. Chances are that other women doesn’t even realize she is provoking anyone’s insecurity, she is just doing her thing! Recognize judging for what it is: a defense mechanism that eases our pain temporarily but deepens insecurities in the long run.
Learn Self Love Evaluate whether we may have an inner critic. That evil voice that pops up, sometimes daily, telling us all the things we are bad at, wrong for and should be ashamed of. We need to combat this critic with an inner cheerleader. We need to give ourselves more positive affirmations vs negative ones. When the inner critic pops back up (and it will often) continue to combat it with the inner cheerleader. This must be a daily and consistent thing.
Stop comparing This whole notion that we should “look like this girl” or “look like this to win over some guy” or “look like that so that we will be happy” really and truly needs to STOP. There are literally no two humans in the world with 100% exact DNA, except maybe a clone… has that happened yet? Anyways, we can always alter our bodies with exercise and diet, however, we cannot change our genetic code. To some extent, we are what we are, and we should not be blamed/ shamed for our genetics. Anyone that makes us feel wrong for not looking like someone else should be blamed and perhaps needs counseling.
Be who you want to be unapologetically The more free people become to do what makes them happy without feeling shame, the less they give a shit about anything else. Especially what others have to say about it. The reality is, women are expected to be certain things: Moms, elegant, well dressed, soft spoken, certain professions that are ‘womanly’, submissive, a specific body type (changes from generation to generation) etc. Though we may be expected to be certain things, it does not mean we want to be that. We instead, should do what we want to do, and the moment we are shamed for it, block out the haters. To be ourselves unapologetically often requires us to make sure our crowd is positive, motivating, and non-manipulative. No arguing necessary, no asking permission necessary. When we are grown and pay our own bills, we can be ourselves.

Self-Care, all day, every day, like your life depends on it

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-17-2020

“The most important decision you will ever make, is whether or not you will continue hating yourself” -EaE

Let us be honest, life is kicking our asses, now more than ever. I am going to encourage everyone to do things differently. Unlike what our parents, family members, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and boss tell us, I often insist self-care be our number one priority. Above money, above work, above everyone and everything else we know. We need not only ‘remember self-care’ sometimes, but we need to practice it like our life depends on it. In a perfect world mental health, cultural sensitivity and self-care would be taught in public school. Unfortunately, we are taught how to stress ourselves out physically, mentally, and emotionally, but we are not taught how to counteract the pain that comes with this type of lifestyle. To be honest, if I had read this intro in my teens or young adulthood I would have laughed and rolled my eyes. Now is different, now I am thirty years old and have received a few mental health diagnoses, have dealt with plenty of burnout episodes, physical pain due to natural aging, and fantasizing about living off of the grid and hiding from adultlike responsibilities.

My norm in my teens and early twenties was to work, study and workout like my life depended on it. Any amount of space in my day was not acceptable. My new norm, now that I am a bit wiser is ‘self-care, all day, everyday like my life depends on it.’ Honestly, because it does depend on it. Some people may say that they do not have the time or luxury to practice self-care as they have jobs, kids, classes etc. However, that is exactly why we do need self-care! Jobs, classes, kids, chores etc. We do not thrive due to the amount of chronic stress we put ourselves through, we thrive when we do things that are good for our mental, physical, and spiritual health. Unfortunately, there are quite a few barriers that often lead us to constantly forget our self-care or neglect it completely.

Barriers to Self-Care:

Financial strain
Family demands
Work
Addictions
Toxic peers
Shame/ Self-Sabotage

This list loosely covers and encompasses the majority of what get’s in the way of daily self-care. Want a nap? No time, there’s work or kids. Want some time off? No, there is still a school assignment to finish. Want to have a nice vacation? Unfortunately, we may not be able to afford it. Want to get over an addiction? How else will we cope without a ‘medicine’ that has been proven to be one of the only things that gets us through the day?! How else can we handle the life demands and stressors without getting our ‘fix’ of (fill in the blank). Want to enjoy some time in solitude? Oh, but that friend who needs help and to get bailed out of a bind they created is soliciting our help, yet again. Want to have a good and fun joy filled day with no care in the world? No, we do not deserve it. We are not good enough and must do more to be ‘worthy’ of fun or time off.

To improve our self-care, we must identify the barriers, make modifications and/ or boundaries, and learn to reduce our shame so that we know we deserve better than the stress filled life we currently have. We also need to commit ourselves to daily self-care rituals so that we may have long term benefits. For example, one day of healthy eating will not counteract 364 days of unhealthy eating. One hour of time off may not be enough if we are constantly working/ juggling life demands. We may need to allow ourselves more breaks keeping in mind that breaks do not have to be expensive!

Sometimes self-care is met with an “I can’t” attitude as well as an “I have no choice” mentality/ stuck point. Which leads to my next new big life expression: “Something has got to give”. When I am overwhelmed from juggling too many things at once, instead of forcing myself to do it anyways, I now stop and say, “something has got to give”. What must I give up and for what? Okay, honestly, I can give up my clothes shopping habit if it means I can pay my bills better and stress less about not having a savings account! I can give up cable since streaming is cheaper and I am barely home anyways, it saves me more. I do not necessarily need a side job, because if I live more frugally, then I will not have to deal with the burden of an excessive workload. Yes, I can give up the next couple hours on social media and read a book, my eyes and mind could use a break from the screen and the anxiety/ anger provoking content. I am exhausted but the apartment is a mess. Well I guess maybe I am not cleaning it right away; I do not have to do everything all the time. I do not have to be perfect.

One thing to keep in mind is self-care requires our personal permission to give ourselves a break when times get hard. It requires us to remember to do something good for us, even in small increments. Sometimes I shadowbox or do laps around my office between therapy sessions. Even if we only have 3 minutes, we should be thinking self-care in that three-minute timeframe. Color, pushups, squats, walk, deep breath, meditate, call a friend, journal, take an ultra-power nap. Whatever our bodies/ minds tell us.

Are your days balanced?

(evaluate how many hours are spent in each category and use as your own personal reference)

Exercise/ Friends/ Outings/ Chores/ Errands/ screen time/ Sleep/ Family time/ Alone time/ Hygiene/ Intimacy/ Studying/ Labor/ Caregiving/ Consuming

A part of mental health is acknowledging the things we do or let others do, that hurt us. It is important that we are honest with ourselves without shame. We are all human and sometimes we sabotage our self-care for ‘the greater good’. To make it through long hard days, we have a responsibility and dire need to put ourselves first. Yes! Even parents, a child requires 110% and they cannot be taken care of with an adult that is at 50%. The purpose is to make improvements so that we may try to avoid a cycle of chronic misery and decomposing. Self-care, as often as we can, every day.

Tearing down Walls

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-13-2020

“Sometimes all it takes is one wrong saying, assumption or tone of voice, and that person may never want to open up to you again.” -EaE

My job, before therapy even starts, is to tear down emotional/ mental barriers. What are people protecting themselves from when they create these walls? It depends on who you ask, but in many cases there’s a vulnerability associated with emotional expression that many do not want to risk. Especially men, especially military men.

Six years working in military mental health meant going against a system that stigmatized emotions. It meant being a perceived threat to “stoic” men who as individuals, were taught and raised to believe its “weakness” to let down the walls. The more I gave therapy to men, admittingly, the deeper my empathy became for them. How lonely/hard it must be to not be able to cry even? No fear, no depression, no anxiety….? Deep down if they are human of course they felt these things, but no one could know. Anger and happiness was acceptable, but many other emotions forbidden. Accompany this with the constant pressure to provide for a family and always have their shit together, it’s no wonder they are always “ok”.

The other factor was that me, a woman, absolutely CANNOT know of or hear about these struggles they face. They absolutely do not want to talk about their emotions, erectile dysfunctions, strip club & prostitute addictions, and suicidal thoughts with a woman. Walls and barriers, more than ever. Met with rage if I asked the right questions … the ones that hit too deep and threatened the wall.

“Mental health is for crazy people”

“How will talking about it help? It just makes it feel worse”

“I’ll be fine”

“Other people have it worse”

“You wouldn’t understand, you’re just in the Air Force”

“You wouldn’t understand, you work in an office”

“You wouldn’t understand, you’re too young.”

“No offense, but women…..”

“Shouldn’t I talk about positive things since I’m in therapy?”

“What are you going to do for me? I’m still going to be in war when this session is over.”

“Nothing I say will fix this”

“I don’t need help, I was ordered to get help by my command”

A few other incredibly useful distraction/ avoidance techniques many clients might use include: heavy political discussion, humor, sports, gossiping about others and/ or saving/ rescuing others. The reality is I’ve seen and heard most of the tricks. From my experience some of the hardest people to break are military men especially in infantry and special forces. As well as anyone in a caregiver or first responder role, as those roles are full of people that are often saturated with survivors guilt/ savior complexes.

Techniques for tearing down walls:

⁃ Dont be pushy. Curiosity is okay, nosiness and pushiness is desperate and off putting.

⁃ Build trust and rapport

⁃ Be human

⁃ Be judgement free

⁃ Remind them you are their regardless of any “slip ups” relapses or episodes

⁃ We never say we understand. We truly dont!

⁃ Don’t pretend to have all the answers

⁃ Listen more, talk less

⁃ Don’t be phony. This includes being too touchy feely, or too robotic/ overly professional

Walls must get torn down before therapy can even begin to happen. Walls must be torn down before true friendships and relationships can happen as well. If someone is guarded, it’s important not to blame or rush them. Guardedness is not a coincidence. It’s taught and sometimes exacerbated with life traumas and betrayals and in turn, trust issues. It’s also socially pressured, especially in our men. After all, how can they be these strong, brave, independent individuals if they need help? Then, although modern day military encourages troops to seek mental health services, it still isn’t a “good look”. Unfortunately most walls will stay up to some extent while someone is still serving in the military, there’s just too much to risk when it comes to their reputation and career.

What we need to know:

⁃ Mental health is not a threat and walls are gently taken down at the pace a client is comfortable with

⁃ Emotions are a human response to our external and internal experiences and stressors. Ignoring them goes against human nature.

⁃ It’s not about forcing anyone to cry or have a breakdown. People can still have crying spells on their own time and use talk therapy for working toward solutions.

⁃ Processing/ sharing emotions can help us a) identify barriers b) solicit feedback c) self advocate d) obtain resources e) decrease mental and physiological symptoms

⁃ Everything society has taught us about denial & silence helping us “put things behind us”, was completely and undeniably inaccurate

Why silence/ suppression fail:

⁃ it’s impossible to get a third party perspective or any type of help with silence

⁃ Zero self advocacy means no additional resources

⁃ Silence creates an incredible amount of miscommunication which leads to more arguments and stress

⁃ Anyone who is silent is left to be the judge and jury of everything they have ever done or have thought about doing. (Suffering in isolation)

⁃ Silence leaves everyone that knows us ‘guessing’ what they think the issue/ solution is. They will likely be wrong if they have no info.

Worst case scenarios of suffering in silence post trauma/ griefs:

⁃ exacerbated mental illnesses

⁃ Substance abuse/ addiction

⁃ Rage build up

⁃ Legal issues

⁃ Occupational stress

⁃ Disconnect from peers, family & intimate relationships

⁃ Homicidal & suicidal ideation or attempts

If anyone finds themselves wanting to remove their walls but aren’t sure how, they wouldn’t be alone in that. It takes time, practice, patience, vulnerability and awkwardness. Opening up is whatever we want it to be, there are no rigid rules. Only willingness and execution are needed to progress in the skill of emotional expression. It’s important to note that holding back tears is just as unnatural as holding back a smile/ laughter. I challenge anyone reading this to try and do that the next time they find something funny. All emotions count.

“A man will kill someone before he will ever speak his pain.” -EaE

Eustress, I Stress, we all just need a little Stress

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-9-2020

“When I am absent of challenge, absent of purpose, then I do not really know what I am living and fighting for.”

Some people run from it; others thrive in it: stress. Some prefer comfort, sameness, routine while others need their day shaken up. Maybe an extra curve ball thrown in, an extra challenge. Stress does not always need to be viewed as such a bad thing; it depends on the type of stress. Eustress is known as ‘good stress’, big life events that cause both excitement and nervousness. This can include a promotion, a wedding, a pregnancy, preparing for a championship etc. “Bad stress” are those obnoxious things we would prefer not to have to do, but we must as adults: paying bills, putting up with a crappy boss, academic assignments, changing the baby’s diarrhea filled diaper, that painful exercise routine when we would rather be on the couch. Regardless of how hard we try, we will encounter stressor’s, it is an inevitable part of our human existence. Even the quote on quote ‘bad stress’ leads to positive outcomes such as a roof over our heads, a healthy family, and a healthier mental/physical health in the long run.

What is the best way to manage stress so that we accomplish what we want in life and do not burnout? I say, do not run from stress, but also, do not create unnecessary stress.

Do not Run from stress (Not even the ‘bad’ stress):

If something scares us a bit, but we genuinely want it, why not go for it?
If we have goals, we should not let stressful objectives stand in our way of achieving those goals. It is all a part of the process.
If we run from everything that causes any amount of stress, always remember we will accomplish nothing.
Accept stress as a part of our daily life. Train to keep a moderate pace through the stress, and not to shut down the moment stress hits.
Learn to appreciate delayed gratification. Life is not always about getting an award the moment we do something good, sometimes it takes years of good to accomplish something bigger.

Do Not Create Unnecessary Stress

Do not bite off more than we can chew, if anyone has a pattern of this it is best to see where it stems from: competitiveness, insecurities, mental health issues, lazy and/ or abusive partner, savior complex etc
Anxiety is a large determinant for making any situation more stressful. The top 2 unhealthy thought patterns that contribute to anxiety: Mind reading/ Future predicting. Neither are possible and yet we try often, which only fuels the stress.
Once we decide to commit, it is best to stay committed. Rescheduling and dealing with constant mind and date changes will not help.
Prepare! Procrastination is a sure way to increase stress and make us less likely to stick with our goals.
Practice self-love and self-care as much as possible. An unhealthy mind and body will make any task more stressful.

Find your Passion

When we find passion, we find that thing that is worth stressing over. We find something that is worth chasing, despite large amounts of mental and physical stressor’s it may cause. Some people report not knowing what they are passionate about, and this is a large part of why some people struggle with low motivation or a desire to do anything. Again, we have ‘bad stress’ and eustress, which is exhausting if there is absolutely no passion with what we are putting ourselves through. Anyone that has had something they were passionate about, that they lived for, breathed for, and almost died for, they will usually say that the pain/ stress did not matter. They needed that pain/ stress the way they needed water, food, air, and sleep. It may sound a bit morbid, but this is exactly what successful people have that keeps them going through hardships and mental breakdowns: passion for something beyond themselves. There is a goal, something to accomplish, something to live for. Idle time is not good for people, but some succumb to it when they cannot find joy/ passion in anything.

If we find ourselves absent of passion, it is likely we did not get the chance to explore it. This could be due to pressure from parents, peers, or occupational demands. Explore it, face the fear, face the stress and adversity, and have fun along the way. Sometimes we find we have multiple passions and therefore more activities worth stressing over. The longer we engage in the life stressor’s of doing the things we love most, the more we practice and embrace this way of life. We all need stress, both good and bad. The key is finding the things in our lives that are worth stressing over.

That Passion will create a Sense of Purpose

Yes, we need a sense of purpose to create our endurance through the roller coaster/ stressors that are life. Finding what we are passionate about can foster a sense of purpose, making all of life stressor’s more tolerable and worth doing. A sense of purpose leads us to continue with our self-care and endurance, so that we may live to continue down a path that we love, that gives our lives meanings. When people do not have a sense of purpose, they are more likely to be idle, sedentary, depressed, abusing drugs and/ or struggling with a low self-esteem.

If we find ourselves getting to this point, it is important that we do not give up hope. There is always a way to fight through stress and even mental illness. There is always a way to find something that is worth fighting for. When a client gets to a point where they have processed their pain and they are ready to rejoin society, it is an exciting time. We can brainstorm and find passion and purpose sometimes with the help of our therapists, peers, family members, coworkers, and/ or internet! Sometimes this journey includes abandoning something that was not worth stressing over and replacing it with something new that has promise.

Conclusion

If we are on this journey of finding our passion and sense of purpose, fighting through daily life stressors and there are some serious obstacles to our wellbeing, it is time to reconsider what we have prioritized in life. Unfortunately, people get in what we call “stuck points”, where they are miserably living life in the only way they feel they can. Sometimes it is obligation, guilt, abuse, or self-sabotage. Regardless of what it is, a good rule of thumb is that if we are chronically miserable, our life needs serious changes.

Accept some stress as a part of life, but do not create unnecessary stress. Find passion, find purpose, and eliminate/ filter out anything or anyone that stands in the way of that plan. We only have one life, and regardless of what our influencers and minds might believe, we are not bound to a lifetime fate of misery/ excruciating stress.

Social Media Culture & Harm Reduction

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-6-2020

With great technology comes great… not responsibility unfortunately. More like a large amount of people playing around with advanced technological gadgets and learning to develop a whole new set of social skills. The social skills of the virtual world are not be confused with the social skills we learn from our home environment and/ or our peers in school. No, this is something entirely different. One can also argue that it is deeper than just an ‘addiction’, rather a new culture: Social Media culture. A land with less rules, access to any/ all people from different walks of life, different areas around the globe. In addition, access to an incredibly large amount of information, validity to be determined…

To respect my goal for this blog, I will continue to dive deeper into this social media culture– The arts and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement regarded collectively. What are we collectively gathering and doing? Staying in touch, interacting, creating our own personal style and image through pictures and words, self-advocacy & other people advocacy, researching, judging, formulating new thoughts and opinions, creating jobs, exploiting others, preying on others, self-medicating boredom/ loneliness/grievances and/ or mental health conditions. I can guarantee I’m missing some things from my list, because there appears to be no limits to how far humanity can go with this highly innovated social culture.

As a social worker, I am realistic when it comes to people. People will absolutely continue to do things that are fun, helpful and entertaining to them. Social media is not going away. Neither the incredible things we get from it nor the horrendous things that stem from it. It stays, because humanity is no longer interested in a life without it, it’s cemented in. So instead of hyper focusing on abstinence, a method proven to have failed in both the efforts to reduce teen pregnancies and illicit drug use, let’s educate ourselves. Let’s talk about this new social media culture: the good, the bad and the ugly. My focus for the sake of our mental health, is to discuss where social media hurts us the most, and what we can do about it.

Expectation/ Reality Mismatch – Yes, most people have cell phones and social media. No this does not give us the right to expect that our peers, friends, coworkers answer our phone calls, texts, instant messenger’s, snap chats and or DM’s etc. All individuals still have a right to privacy and solitude if they so choose. On the other end, if someone find’s themselves highly anxious/ stressed due to constant demands from their family/ peers via the virtual world, they must take accountability for the sake of their mental health and implement some boundaries. Fortunately, boundaries are easy to make via the social media world vs a job or household setting. The phone device literally allows us to alter it accordingly! We have the power to shut off our phones in most cases. It isn’t “the chance of an emergency” that keeps us tied to our phones 24/7. Rather, it’s a heightened sense of obligation, responsibility and guilt. Unless someone is in the military, a doctor on call, or an emergency responder they are not the ones to be called in an emergency anyways. Many people may choose to obligate us or expect that we “are on call 24/7 since we have a phone”, but that does not change the simple fact that we have our freedom of will and can choose to not be on call 24/7 for friends, family and coworkers. The world can bleed us dry if we let it.

False sense of Reality – Unfortunately, we have a lot more to compare ourselves to in this virtual culture. There’s the woman with the hourglass figure and perfectly shaped large ass, and not a blemish in sight. There’s the guy with the incredible abs with all the time in the world to work out. There’s the mom who got abs just five days after she popped out her tenth baby. There’s the person who reported to have worked 80 hours a week but never looks tired and his apartment is always clean. There’s that incredibly perfect family with the perfect home and they are always smiling… wow, how are they always so happy? These “perfectionistic” social media posters can often jab at the insecurities of others. This is to be expected, we cannot change how “perfect” other’s want to appear online. We can’t even blame them! In most cases people in the above category may want to project positivity into the world. Or maybe, some of them do not want to show their vulnerabilities. Some may also feel insecure and in it for the likes/ comments and validation. Whatever the case, no one is perfect, no matter how perfect they appear online. Also remember that we do not post/ record ourselves all day everyday… the average person is not a Kardashian. Sometimes people project a false sense of reality, remembering this fact can help us alleviate some shame. If we are doing our best and trying to be good people, in most cases, that is enough.

Mind manipulation – We all get mind manipulated at some point. It happens to the best of us and sometimes it comes from a source we could have never imagined. I am not here to discuss any views or beliefs I have. I’m here to remind us all, how vulnerable we truly are when we are online absorbing information. Whether we are five years old or 100 years old, we can be manipulated, easily. Filtering is necessary, and so is knowing that no matter how hard we try; we cannot filter everything out. Be on alert and cleanse when possible. Know that some people simply use social media to exploit or alter the views and/ or actions of others for a gain. Think about how often we may simply read a headline and upon reading it already have an emotional reaction even before we read the article? Think about how easily one can “push another’s buttons” in a virtual argument. Think about the key board warriors and the trolls who’s sense of purpose involves being a ‘cyberbully’ and crushing another person’s self-esteem/ confidence. Filtering and critical thinking skills is a must.

Miscommunication – “What did this person mean by this text? Why did they send it with an explanation point and in all caps? Are they mad? Are they yelling at me? I hate texting, call me instead. That person hates phone calls, so I guess we will never talk. Why did this person like 20 of my pictures at 3 am in the morning? She didn’t DM me back but then I see her on Facebook posting! Wow she must be ignoring me on purpose. I’m friends with them, but I saw a picture that they were hanging out without me! Why wasn’t I invited?” It’s silly, it’s juvenile, yet we are all guilty of it. The virtual social culture enhances miscommunication. Many report frustration and anxiety over the abundance of communication outlets. Many more are confused as they try to decipher a person’s social media behaviors in their own mind with their own perceptions. We must find our way through this miscommunication, learn to clear up our confusion. In some cases, we may find that our virtual world does not fit in with another person’s virtual world. Maybe when the organic connection is severed, there is no connection left. Sometimes we grieve a loss of friendship when we switch to a strictly social media culture.

Flakiness/ Letdowns- It has been researched and proven that people have become more flaky and fearful of commitment due to social media. We would assume that since we have all the connections possible to reach out to each other, that it would be opposite. We texted each other five days in a row with the same plans of meeting up on Friday, then Friday comes, and now my friend won’t answer and does not seem interested in hanging out. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, the popularity contests still exist in the social media culture. Maybe my home gathering/ party sounds fun to my friend… 2 weeks ago. However, in that two-week timeframe they learn about 10 other parties that sound a lot more appealing/ fun. Maybe that day comes and said friend would prefer to rest and is more exhausted than they could have predicted. Then, because of the convenience of clicking buttons, it is that much easier to cancel via instant messenger. It’s okay because “we aren’t standing up our friends”, we are simply cancelling or changing plans with a few clicks. There is absolutely such a thing as being a poor friend in social media culture. If we are repetitive in our flakiness and letdowns, we will slowly but surely grow more isolated and agoraphobic, as a nation.

Distraction/ Procrastination- Why in the world… with all the advanced communication networks, online shopping, Grubhubs and Seamless and Uber eats and more… we seem to be losing out on time? Rushing like we never had before. It feels as if there is never enough time in the day. The social media culture is highly addicting, and if we are not careful it can waste A LOT of our time. I’m talking waking up and Facebooking and IGing until 12 pm. I’m talking clicking our ways into destroying our time that was originally allotted for chores. When humans get sucked into something fun, addicting and better than what they have around them in the flesh, this is what tends to happen. Sometimes priorities change because of it. Unfortunately, there are some people that have gone as far as prioritizing their online game above their infant’s life which led to nutritional neglect/ death. This can sometimes become, a very serious issue. Again, social media isn’t going away and again, we cannot expect abstinence from it anymore than we can expect abstinence from fast food, coffee, alcohol, shopping, TV, gambling, crack and so on. Harm reduction is going to be the key here, balance is also going to be the key. Not everyone will become an addict and primarily, what most of us need in our lives is balance. Balance our social media culture with our organic life culture. Find whatever dosage we may be allotted to use so that we may thrive in our new lifestyles; virtual socializing as a PART of it. Key word, part. Not all.

Holistic Healing in Nature

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-4-2020

“And what is going to happen when it is all said and done…everything is gone now, and you forgot yourself?” -EaE

My experience in nature has dissipated over the years as I continue to reside in NYC. We must be careful, because before we know it, we may lose touch with nature all together. As this ‘Technological Revolution’ continues to advance/ progress and the 9-5 indoor work environment becomes more common, nature takes a back seat to what ‘we must do’ in order to survive in the modern workforce. I find myself getting more eye pain, more headaches, more sicknesses, more sluggish/ fatigued and more of a depressed hypersomniac than ever before.

Lucky for me I met a man 2 years ago (currently my fiancé) that has brought me back to an old love that I had completely forgotten about: nature walking. Most of my nature experiences involved living in the Mojave Desert and walking and/ or jogging up in the Mesa of Yucca Valley, CA exploring the peaceful mountainous terrain. I did not realize it at the time, but those walks/ runs probably saved me. I used to take for granted the beautiful Joshua Tree, an incredibly rare tree that has been filmed in quite a few movies and music videos. I was lucky enough to live with these trees, but my negative/ depressed teenage mind could not grasp my luck. Fast forward to present day, I have followed my fiancé’s path in forest hiking. I must admit it has humbled me in a way that I had not anticipated, the Eastern ROCKY ASS Mountains have hurt me mentally and physically, but are also forcing me to become stronger and more tranquil/ at peace with my present situation.

If you, like me, have lost touch with nature I encourage you to get back in touch. As cliché as it sounds it is the most natural and holistic healing a human can partake in. What is more natural and human than walking up a mountain, gathering/ chopping wood, building a fire and cooking on top of the fire? Sleeping under the stars with many calming, yet scary, unidentified animal sounds? My greatest challenge was learning to be in the moment, my mind kept going over what ‘I need to do’ when I get back to ‘normal’ stressful unhealthy life. My mind kept crying over the pain and forgetting to explore my surroundings. I continue reminding myself to soak in the scene because before I know it, it is back to an office that gives me claustrophobia, a stressful job that does not allow time for self-care, fluorescent lights and computer screens that cause consistent headaches, and never-ending deadlines and productivity standards that produce shame in even the hardest of workers.

Nature, you almost kill me. However, like with many challenges, I find myself tormented but intrigued enough to keep going back for more. The reason it is so hard and torturous is because we have lost practice of living in our natural habitats. Before we know it, what becomes natural is everything that is not supposed to be natural: Dusty offices, sedentary days, 6 hours plus with screen time, fatigue and in turn a lack of hobbies. Ironically, the more sedentary we are, the more tired we become. A vicious cycle of sitting around, draining our minds, and exhaustion from the two leading to more sitting around, and draining our minds. As many probably know, this is not a wholesome or balanced life. From my short life experiences with nature so far, these are my findings.

Desert: The sunny arid heat. Incredibly powerful and scorching in a way that kept me on my toes. A sun so powerful that it dried sweat the moment it came out of my body, leaving me unable to detect how dehydrated I really was. Killing my relatives that traveled from Ohio, so eager to explore yet so not adapted to the heat, the bright sun, and the bright sand that reflected sunlight. The myth was that there was no wildlife in the desert, but my walks proved otherwise: snakes, lizards, owls, vultures, coyotes, bobcats, tortoises, cotton tail’s, jack rabbits, scorpions, tarantulas, roadrunners and more. It is such a harsh environment, many of my neighbors chose to isolate indoors with their swamp coolers running while I scraped up weeds with the Hula ho, raked sand and scooped up the dog shit. (outdoor chores assigned by the parents) I allowed my skin to soak in the sun while wearing my tanning lotion, singing along with my cassette Walkman. (Remember those?!) That was my adversity, yard work chores for hours in the middle of 100-120-degree days. Walks and runs for hours middays to evening timeframes (I ran cross country and weekends were not meant for time off). My fun was dirt clod wars with my older brother. Yes, this meant wearing crappy clothes and throwing dirt clods at each other, literally. My peace/ serenity was the sunset’s: colors of orange, yellow, purple, blue shades as the sun fell behind the desert mountains. This is when the weather felt PERFECT. There is no weather quite like the desert when the sun goes down and the breeze hits right. Lastly, the stars. The type of stars that a city person could never even imagine or dream of. Every night if we sat out long enough, we could see multiple shooting stars, identify the big/ little dipper, northern star and so on. The desert brings confidence, patience and perseverance. Even in scorched land we can maintain a semblance of life.

Ocean: I had always dreamed of living on the beach and got the opportunity at the age of 24 when I first lived in NYC in the Rockaway Beach area of Queens. In the first week of living there I fell on my knees in the sand, stared at the water and could not believe my life. A place so beautiful, peaceful, calming and soothing and yet, we spend our days indoors frying our brains with screens instead. I cried. The world is so much bigger than us and staring out into an ‘endless’ ocean reminded me of this. Try going to the ocean when it is a bit cold out, those days where no one is there except you. The days when the sky is grey and the waves are strong, and we may get reminded of how short life is, and how much time we waste. Walk alongside the beach, run alongside it. Collect the seashells, feel the water on the toes. Dig the feet into the sand, bury the body into the sand, swim into the ocean even though it is scary and cold. I swear a crab pinched my toe and kept me terrified and phobic for a good six months, but I sucked it up and went back in eventually. Saltwater punching me in the face with a trick follow up wave. This always left me coughing with sea salt pouring out of my mouth and nose, but I learned to go back in for more. My father used to call me a mermaid when he saw me swim. I was not a fast swimmer, but a calm one. Powerful water teaches us to remain calm and go with the wave’s vs resist them. We must move with the current and know that we will never be as powerful as a great body of water. The ocean teaches us calmness, serenity and letting go of what is out of our control. Sometimes in life, we must ride with the waves.

Forest: So deceitfully beautiful and calm, but so torturous to walk and climb through. As stated above the forest has been my present-day challenge, I underestimated its power. My mind get’s panicked, my feet go raw, my confidence destroyed. I trip, fall, slip, give up, go back and try for more. But all I see is nature, not a man-made thing in sight. All I breath in is fresh air, no more city fumes clogging my lungs. I run into the occasional animal before they turn and run to hide/ blend with their habitat: deer, wild turkeys, birds, chipmunks. I challenge myself to chop a few pieces of wood, and then humbly return the hatchet back to my fiancé when my fragile wrists burnout. My part of helping with the fire is searching for white bark, birch and twigs. Tents? Forget about it! Thank you, childhood and military, because I can pitch up a tent fast and roll up a sleeping bag tightly no problem. At some point I always go off by myself. I go where my eyes take me. Whatever looks appealing we must go to, follow our guts and see what we want to see. There are no boundaries, arrows, strict rules, or obvious paths. Instead we go with instinct and intuition on a forest exploration walk. What catches my interest is where I go, I stop, look, let it sink in and find a new visually appealing ‘marker’ to walk toward. Then, in the evenings, it is time to light the fire. Sit near the fire, let the heat hit your face. Stare into the fire, look at the flames naturally do what they do. Be as lazy as you deserve to be at this point, for you have had a long day of hiking, building, gathering, chopping and so on. The forest teaches us peace, strength and endurance. We get to where we are going but only if we have it in us to accept the hard journey forward.

My challenge to everyone: Get your ass back into a true nature setting when timing allows and let me know your feelings/ thoughts. Happy Healing!

Unsolicited Advice

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-1-2020

“Of course you are an expert in your own eyes, you have gotten this far and survived. But try to keep in mind, that the person across from you, that you feel is so blind… survived a different set of circumstances. They have lived a separate life.” -EaE

‘The average person gives awful advice’. This is yet another common line I tell clients and friends. Many people express being pulled and jerked with a large amount of unsolicited advice. Many get confused as half of their family and peers tell them to go left, while the other half might just steer them to go right. Why do many people offer unsolicited advice? Why do many people give awful advice and how can we let it roll off our shoulders so that it does not cloud our judgement and raise our blood pressure?

People often love to hear themselves talk about things they think they know. Sure enough if I express that I’m “in a bind” regarding any topic, the listener will identify something in their memory bank that is “just like” what I’m going through. Then they will excitedly have the “perfect” solution as they have “been there”. What does advice giving do for someone? They can look at the topic and ‘relate’ it with a memory from their life, making it about them. They can Increase their confidence by feeling that they have an answer for someone in need. Having an answer for something instills a sense of control and comfort.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a perfect solution for everything all the time. The average person gives pretty awful advice because they neglect that fact. How many times have we been in a situation where there was no clear answer right away? However, everyone and their mother and cousin twice removed kept giving us that same empty and useless advice.

“You have depression? Just be positive!”

“You have issues with weight? Just eat less and exercise more.”

“You don’t get along with your husband / wife? Just get a divorce.”

“You can’t decide between two jobs? Take the one that pays more.”

“You have an addiction? Just stop using drugs”

“You don’t make enough money? Just go to college and then you will get a degree and make more.”

“If I were you, I would do ___________”

The other reason why many people give awful advice? They are expressing what ‘they would do’ in the other persons shoes. However, they will NEVER be, in the other persons shoes. Quite honestly if the solution to our issues were that easy, I would be out of the job. Mental health therapy would be nonexistent and humanity would thrive in a world full of perfectionist robotic humans that always do the ‘obvious’ and ‘sensical’ thing.

We all have a logical side to us that wants to be calculated and careful, but then we have a pleasure seeking side that is in constant conflict. As we make our choices it is quite normal to even start asking for advice… proceed carefully! Many people express that after they ask multiple people for advice they feel even more confused afterwards.

Many people have differing opinions, views, values, perceptions and so on. There is an endless supply of tips you may receive from a wide variety of people from diverse backgrounds. What can help filter out the awful advice from the descent advice?

⁃ Apply your question to a person that is proficient in the topic you have a question about. For example, if you have a question about real estate, it makes more sense to ask someone you know in real estate. I wouldn’t ask my cousin who has never moved out of her mothers house about when and how I should go about homeownership!

⁃ Take note of the people in your life that tend to vomit out the mouth with solutions and answers ALL… THE… TIME. Don’t listen to those ones! It may not be wisdom they possess, rather arrogance.

⁃ If you believe you know the answer to something already, down to your gut and core… refrain from soliciting advice! You would be surprised how often people get talked out of what is good for them because of third party doubts, insecurities, anxiety and/ or envy.

It is still true that there is no one that will look out for us the way we look out for ourselves. It is important to be mindful in our journeys and choose our mentors wisely. Along the way, when there are those that insist on giving unsolicited and awful advice, it is quite easy to smile and nod.