“Fake Bitches”

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-20-2020

     I am going to address the stigma of ‘mean girls’ and discuss where I believe this stigma comes from. It is no secret that this view exists amongst both men and women. The question is, why? Something I talk about with most of my clients is how societal teachings also exacerbate our mental health. “Men are taught to suppress their emotions, and women are taught to hate themselves”. In a recent blog, I discuss the ways in which men are taught to suppress emotions and how we can tear down those walls. This blog is discussing how women are taught to hate themselves from young ages, and how it translates to insecurities, envy, jealousy, and verbal altercations.

How it starts- visualize and compare- (roughly ages 4-9)

     From a young age, girls are often glamorized. We are princesses, we are damsels, we need to win over the affection of a man to save us. We visualize ourselves in adult form and make predictions based off what we see in our households (moms, grand moms, aunts, female guardians etc). Then, there’s magazines, books, movies, TV, social media too as kids are starting younger and younger. We have role models, how can we not? We have not hit puberty yet but there are women we look up to, there is often a view of what we believe we may look like when ‘we grow up’. Even as early as six years old I looked in magazines and felt an insecurity about my ‘pot belly’ as the women in magazines had flat tummies and long/ slender physiques. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best outcome! Unfortunately, at the age of 9 my stepdaughter started to express feeling fat. I remember a similar feeling around that age when I sat and saw my fat shift. Having fat does not mean obesity, and as brilliant therapists before me have pointed out, ‘fat’ is not a feeling.

How it progresses- Adolescence and Body changes/ shaming/ bullying (10-18)

When the body changes, the critics and judges come out to play! The boys, the girls and sometimes even the parents. The reality is that society has so many expectations, technically, we all fail. No one can live up to all of it, but as evidenced in mental health research, the largest developmental milestone for teens is to be accepted by their peers. It is crucial to have acceptance as we approach adulthood and need people in our network. These pressures for young girls include academic pressures, dress & appearance as well as behavioral pressures. For the most part, many will crack under the pressure and find ways to ‘win over’ approval/ acceptance. Sometimes even winning acceptance by the ones that are bullying/ shaming us in the first place. Because, who wants to be bullied?!

Regardless of what ‘we have’ or ‘don’t have’, we are wrong either way. For example, a young girl that is developing late will be ridiculed as well as a girl that is overdeveloping. Somehow our biology and puberty cycle is ‘our fault’ and we’re roped into feeling shame about it. Breast sizes, butt size, thigh size, waist size. Aside from visual appearances we then start to obsess over numbers that are getting thrown around. Pant size and weight on the scale. Those poor girls that were really a size 2 or 3 stuffing themselves into size zeros for the sake of saying they wear a zero. Ouch! I will call it our modern-day corset except it was squeezing at our hips. (The early 2000’s was all about the sexy low-rise jeans!)

    There is more! Face, makeup, dress, appearance, and behaviors all matter. Teen girls are making “mistakes”, and corrections. We could fairly call the Jr High and High school experience the ‘On the job Training’ (OJT) practice for adulthood in how we are socializing and presenting ourselves to others. Some teen girls may have pleasant experiences with a lot of positive reinforcements from peers, family members etc. Other teen girls may have negative reinforcements, shame, low self esteem patterns and the vicious cycle could continue well into adulthood. Unfortunately, this is also the time when some young girls with insecurities may notice a boost of self-esteem/ social status when they ridicule, tease, and put down other girls.

     Teen hood starts the vicious ‘magnifying glass’ effect. Meaning when we make one mistake, the magnifying glass is on us and follows us through every mistake after. Unfortunately, the magnifying glass of society glosses over our accomplishments and focuses narrowly in on the mistakes. Thus, creating the cycle of shame about our body, appearance, behaviors, and overall self-confidence.

How it thrives/ breeds- Adulthood (18 to perhaps indefinitely…)

     Remember our parents/ guardians telling us how it will all end once we are out the door, away from the immaturity of school and onto emerging adulthood focuses?  Ha! The reason I use the term “fake bitches” in this article is because I want to address something especially important. The terms I have heard throughout my entire adulthood that I find particularly alarming include: “All women are bitches”, “Women are fake”, “that woman is a fake bitch”, “Woman are bitches, I would rather hang out with men”. “Women are evil” etc. The reality is most women are not “fake bitches”. Most women are fighting to be loved and accepted, something they were deprived of during crucial stages of development.

     Understand that when we have this mentality against women, and we use these phrases and believe it down to our core; we are perpetuating a cycle of hate. Onto ourselves as women and onto other women, who will then feel more shame. Yes, I too was labeled a ‘fake passive aggressive bitch’ back in my days serving in the military. Why did this woman feel this way about me? “Because I didn’t speak my mind” or “say it like it is”. Now, as I dissect this accusation, I can see that she was triggered by my quiet personality, she did not trust it. Why was I quiet? Was I ‘fake’? Does quiet mean fake? Quiet, in my case came from my southern roots and my childhood trauma. But who’s asking?!

     Not all women are that aggressive, some say nothing at all but silently burn/ brood with hate and envy over a female that may jab at her insecurities for whatever reason. There is a lot that we (women) can do for ourselves if we can combat these hateful urges that stem from deep rooted insecurities. It is not our fault that society forced us to hate ourselves and compete. It is our fault, if we do not acknowledge this pain, process it, address it and fight to undo the damage and wrongs it has caused. We owe it to ourselves to remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about our minds, bodies and spirit, society was wrong for demanding perfection out of humans.

My challenge for women

• Stop judging It turns out that the more we judge ourselves, the more we judge others. Also, the more we judge others, the more we judge ourselves. It is cyclical. There are absolutely some things we have a right to be upset about, but the way other women choose to look, behave, or express themselves is rarely one of them. It rarely has impact. If it does impact us strongly, we need to ask ourselves why it hurts us vs judge the one that is provoking that insecurity. Chances are that other women doesn’t even realize she is provoking anyone’s insecurity, she is just doing her thing! Recognize judging for what it is: a defense mechanism that eases our pain temporarily but deepens insecurities in the long run.
• Learn Self Love Evaluate whether we may have an inner critic. That evil voice that pops up, sometimes daily, telling us all the things we are bad at, wrong for and should be ashamed of. We need to combat this critic with an inner cheerleader. We need to give ourselves more positive affirmations vs negative ones. When the inner critic pops back up (and it will often) continue to combat it with the inner cheerleader. This must be a daily and consistent thing.
• Stop comparing This whole notion that we should “look like this girl” or “look like this to win over some guy” or “look like that so that we will be happy” really and truly needs to STOP. There are literally no two humans in the world with 100% exact DNA, except maybe a clone… has that happened yet? Anyways, we can always alter our bodies with exercise and diet, however, we cannot change our genetic code. To some extent, we are what we are, and we should not be blamed/ shamed for our genetics. Anyone that makes us feel wrong for not looking like someone else should be blamed and perhaps needs counseling.
• Be who you want to be unapologetically The more free people become to do what makes them happy without feeling shame, the less they give a shit about anything else. Especially what others have to say about it. The reality is, women are expected to be certain things: Moms, elegant, well dressed, soft spoken, certain professions that are ‘womanly’, submissive, a specific body type (changes from generation to generation) etc. Though we may be expected to be certain things, it does not mean we want to be that. We instead, should do what we want to do, and the moment we are shamed for it, block out the haters. To be ourselves unapologetically often requires us to make sure our crowd is positive, motivating, and non-manipulative. No arguing necessary, no asking permission necessary. When we are grown and pay our own bills, we can be ourselves.