Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-24-2022
As a former fawner, pushover, and savior complexed individual, I had many revenge fantasies. Not in a scary way, more so fantasies related to “what I should have told that rude person”. We all have done it, some more than others. And then you have regrets, because you wish once more, that you were not, in fact a doormat. You wish you could be sharp in the moment, maybe even witty. Some of us freeze, and we aren’t capable of standing up for ourselves. Or at least, it takes a long time to learn it how to.
This is most common with children that were meant to be “seen and not heard”. Maybe they were verbally abused or severely punished when they tried to express themselves. Or this could also happen to people that suffered from heavy abuse in intimate relationships; where you can’t anger your abuser… or worse abuse happens.
Either way, the fantasies come. You dream of a world where you can be “that stronger person” capable of shutting an asshole down. This blog is about those fantasies.
To the Person (or people) that:
Called me “fake” and naive when I was in the Air Force–
You called me “fake” because I was “too nice”. For you, kindness and realness do not exist in the same world, clearly. Which is quite sad because you were probably projecting your bad attitude onto me. You called me naive for… what? Because I didn’t speak up? Because I didn’t express myself much at all and therefore, seemed, innocent? That was a ton of assumptions, and you’re quite ignorant for never looking deeper. It would have been easier to just ask me questions. Then maybe you would have figured out I come from trauma and abuse, I was robbed of innocence and the ability to trust. It led me to walk on eggshells around strangers. That wasn’t ‘fake’, that was “fawning”. That was me trying “not to rock the boat” yet again. And in turn, it happened anyways. Because people aren’t satisfied regardless.
Body shamed me throughout a 9 year relationship–
You said I “ate too much like I was a grown man/ body builder.” And that I wasn’t supposed to eat as much as you since I’m “smaller”. You told me it’s either “you or food and I need to make my decision”. You shamed me when you found out what I put in my body. You viewed it as your choice instead of mine. You didn’t deserve me for nine years. Truthfully you had me at my “hottest” years and you never appreciated it. My self esteem just got worse from there. You were a waste of my time. Honestly if you were that vain, you should have been honest from the beginning. Why hold someone hostage and hurt them emotionally through it? You need a reality check. And fast forward five years later, I can’t help but notice you have a gut! That’s called karma.
Dumped me via text message, 5 days after taking my virginity-
If I had known you were going to be a ghost, I would have never let that happen. I chose you of all people to share that precious milestone with under false pretenses. This makes you a liar. I didn’t expect marriage, or forever. But damn that was grimy. And the fact that the day before you sent that text I had my suspicions… I asked you while looking in your eyes: “do you want to break up now” and you looked back at me and said “no”. Then the very next day sent the break up essay through a text, that’s cowardly. I don’t regret any of the harsh things I texted back. I hope you didn’t keep doing that to more girls. I hope the rest of your military career was shit, truthfully.
Called me “lucky” or said “must be nice” while consecutively demeaning my accomplishments-
You know what’s not nice or lucky? Sleep deprivation, no fun time, no parties, no social life. Studying for hours on end, working, while volunteering, while suppressing major depression. Going home to binge eating and crying outbursts, and then repeating the hard work the next day, and acting okay, because you aren’t allowed to “fall apart”. Falling apart is a luxury reserved for people that have freedom and support.
Called me lazy while I worked, schooled, did chores and helped you with your kids-
Was I stepmom of the year? No. I never wanted to be one, but the fact that I still parented better than you did is quite sad. Here’s the facts; you are obviously a gaslighter. Through and though. You projected all your insecurities onto me and had me feeling worthless. You called me lazy because you were lazy. You called me stupid because you were stupid. You acted like I did “nothing right” because you couldn’t do anything right. What really differentiates us besides the fact that I have integrity and you don’t? The fact that I’m not a quitter. You are a coward that uses everyone and everything, and then runs from everything when it gets hard. Jobs, relationships, adult responsibilities and even your own kids. You’re a true narcissist, and I don’t use that word lightly.
Had me feeling like a bad friend despite the fact that I did so very much for you-
I funded your needs when you had nothing. I funded your addiction when you were going through withdrawal, I helped you escape when you felt suffocated. I funded you when you needed legal help. I wasn’t there as much as you wanted, it’s called the military. Again, I didn’t have the luxury of freedom, or time on my side. But it always seemed the more I gave, the more you wanted. And it got quite dangerous and disturbing. You Watching me, trying to track me, possess me (angry when I had a friendship with anyone else), making me feel guilty if I needed a day off; from being your ATM and your personal unpaid therapist. A friendship with too many conditions is not a true friendship, that’s called using people. You lack accountability. And in the end, it’s over because you fail to help yourself, but expect everyone else to do so.