You CAN’T do everything you set your Mind to

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11-21-2023

Once upon a time, I wanted it all. I was taught I could have it all. We believe that we will grow up and somehow ‘be highly functional’ in every aspect of life. We are taught we can have a great career, descent money, intelligence, social skills, great friends, great family, a happy marriage, happy kid’s etc etc. We also believe we can keep all of this up while somehow finding time for every single hobby we love. And hey, if you want to have a full time career, and a great marriage, and take care of kid’s, why not add a side hustle while you are at it? After all, you are ‘unstoppable’, and… you can do ‘Anything you set your mind to!’ Right? This is the optimism that society likes to feed it’s young. It’s also the hope that we want the aging person to retain, so that they do not find themselves in a deep rut/ stuck point. People tend to fear both; taking risks, and stagnancy. One puts us at risk of ‘failure’ and embarrassment. The other one put’s us at risk of ‘laziness’ and getting complacent. What’s the issue with these overly ambititious and toxic positivity thought patterns? For starters, they are not rooted in reality.

There are many factor’s that get ignored as we build anticipation regarding our future goals. Let’s start there. We ignore things like:

a. Wants b. Needs c. Limitations d. Time & Timing e. Support system or lack there of f. Economics g. Social skills h. Acute Crisis i. Mood swings j. Growth/ changes

This means, we have intentions, we set a plan, we try to see it through. Sometimes it fails. Now what? Perpetual shame thoughts? Stuck points? Change courses? But then again, sometimes, it goes exactly as planned. Sometimes we get everything we ‘want’. But then, we could want more. We chase dopamine. So, Now what? Or, we can get everything we want, and eventually decide over time that we actually hate it. Now what??! Why do I hate this? I was supposed to love it? Why do I have the ‘perfect’ life but feel so empty? What else do I need? Chase dopamine. Chase goals. Chase the ‘vision’ of a perfect life. Sometimes, it never ends. Humans can get stuck in perpetual cycles of unrealistic expectations, an abundance of goals, over working, burnout, shame, and increased depression/ anxiety. Then, they are a ‘failure’. Why? Because they did not live up to ‘doing everything they set their mind to’. And, even if they did, they aren’t doing everything at the level they ‘feel they should be’.

Over the years I have started to eliminate some of my past wants. I have also changed views on what I believe I actually need. This comes with growth and learning yourself. This comes with the courage to say no to the things that are not right for you. It’s even harder when your wants/ needs do not mirror the societal norm. A good example of this is the fact that I do not want kid’s, and I am still uncertain about whether or not I want marriage. This mentality, as a 34 year old woman, means I am already a social outcast. Through the years I have been fed messages of; ‘it’s time to get married’, ‘you’re never really ready for kid’s, just do it’. I am told it will ‘all be okay you can make it work’. But, it’s actually quite simple. I don’t want to ‘make it work’ or ‘force it to work’. I don’t want to push myself into a role where I know deep to my core; it’s not right for me.

Another hard thing I’ve had to learn about myself through the years after multiple failed/ tragic relationships; I am a female provider, I’m not a nurterer. I want to work and pay bills, it makes sense to me and it’s very easy for me. I don’t want to nurture and take care of people, or a household. That sounds like a nightmare, and quite frankly, I’ve tried. I’m awful at it. It gives me no sense of fulfillment. And, this is how people really work. We have our attributes and things that we gravitate toward, and we also have our deficits/ limitations. Instead of the message; ‘You can do anything you set your mind to’, imagine how different things would be if we started giving each other more practical messages growing up?

Messages such as:

• What are your interests? And how can you use it to feel fulfilled? Also, how can you monetize it if you need to use it to make a living?
• You feel no nurturing instinct and you find yourself feeling repulsed around kid’s or the idea of having them? Hold off. Maybe it’s just not for you, and that’s okay.
• You aren’t sure about marriage? It’s not necessary. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
• You are a woman and you like to work and pay bills? Cool. You are a woman and you aspire to be a wife and have kid’s? Cool, let’s talk about what you want in a spouse, and also what you can bring to the table in a relationship.
• You are a man and you want to be nurturing and stay at home and raise your kid’s? Awesome! That will be an incredible way to build a bond with your child. If you have a spouse that is comfortable with this plan, that’s all that matters.
• You want a simple job? And maybe some pets? And to otherwise be left alone to your own hobbies/ life on your own free time?? Sounds good.
• You need a break from making new goals/ objectives and you need to ‘maintain your life exactly as is for the next year or two?’ Cool! you deserve the mental rest.
• You worked toward this goal for a while but recently decided that ‘It’s not for you’, and you want to stop? Okay, cool. People are allowed to change their minds.

You Will NOT be good at everything

Humans are not built/ meant to be great at everything they try to do. So technically, when society expects you to be a great provider, nurterer, friend, spouse, hobbyist, athlete, parent, organizer, and so on…. they set you up for failure. We are meant to pick roles and develop our abilities slowly over time. We are meant to experiment; drop what doesn’t suit us, and try to hold onto what we need/ love. You cannot do ‘everything’ you set your mind to in most cases. Why? Because you will not be good at some of what you try to accomplish, you may also lose the desire to get good at it. And… you will also simply run out of time. One thing I’ve noticed with many people as they age; they learn more about what they need/ want. In turn they can dispose of what doesn’t work for them. Life get’s easier as we learn that we cannot do every single thing we set our minds to. It also get’s easier when we no longer believe we have to.