Post Vacation Blues

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6 April 2024

“So grateful for my imagination on a world full of disappointment.” -EaE

I’m crying as the airplane flies away from NYC. This is actually unusual for me, but maybe life and emotions are just catching up. Maybe the grief just piles on, and now I’m too tired to try to numb it out. I had a traumatic break up when I had lived in NYC that sparked my quick decision to move away and never go back. But then, my more recent break up 3 years later sent me into a different type of spiral. And I found myself booking the flight to have a get away and see all my old NYC friends. I had a very wonderful trip! It meant so much me to see that I still have quality bonds with many people.

I talked to my therapist recently about how many times I’ve moved in my life. My mother was very flighty as she snuck off to do drugs any chance she could get. My brother and I counted at least ten different places we lived before I was even 6 years old. I recently kept counting how many places I’ve moved. I landed on approximately 26 different addresses I’ve lived in, and I’m only 34. (Security clearances are a nightmare for me to fill out with my government jobs btw) So I had this amazing defense mechanism of numbing myself out when I moved away from everything that I had known. I had to be a pro at this. Loss was such a normal part of life and I wouldn’t allow myself to feel the pain it caused.

But right now the post vacation blues set in. I reflect. As the airplane flew away, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the last thing I saw before the clouds was Rockaway Beach; the first place I ever lived in NYC. I didn’t visit it during my trip this time, but seeing it made the nostalgia even more real. Taking me back to being 24 years old and finally out of the Air Force, young and excited to be in NYC. Excited, yet so lost. The longest walks I had ever taken in my life. Just walking and walking and walking and doing everything possible to not be around people because I felt so disconnected from everything I had known.

Most humans go through bouts where they feel “empty” sometimes, and they can’t always place their finger on what it is that’s causing the void. Feeling like you need something, but you cant figure out what it is. So maybe you wander around aimlessly, or abuse substances excessively, or escape into “another world” completely. My close friend and I were recently talking about our “vices” and how everyone has them. Shoot even my vacations are vices. I told my therapist one of my vacation goals is to forget I have a job!

But now that I’m headed back home, I feel reality sinking in. Home is not a happy place for me right now. Home is a place that is Haunted by the ‘Ghost of Boyfriends past’. Home has not felt like home since my recent break up four months ago. I find myself wanting to run away again, just as my Bio Mom once taught me. When things fall apart, you run; then start again somewhere new. I would run, fix, let things fester, then explode …. then combust. Then run again. Only this time, I can’t run. I own my damn house. The vacation was only a temporary escape from a life I hate right now.

I try my best, but when home isn’t home anymore, you do need to build it up and/ or find a new one. I’m always in the cycle of looking forward to the next vacation no matter how close or far. Especially as I am often tied down with heavy responsibilities at my job. Work hard and play harder right?!

Not only was my vacation week in NYC full of in person conversations, but it sparked many online private convos. Not everyone in NYC that I know could make it to the gym to train with me or make it out to see me. So, they online chatted with me instead; next best thing. One friend mentioned that they never take vacations. (How horrid) Through trying to encourage them to take a vacation, I learned that they simply have too many jobs and responsibilities that they have tied themselves into. A cycle of workaholism meets self punishment/ shame; they don’t deserve a happy vacation. They often say: “I accept that life is mostly misery”.

The ability to even believe you deserve a vacation is… maybe a luxury? My ability to then go back home to a stable job… is a luxury? But at the same time, I do make it happen. I do believe I deserve to enjoy myself as I have worked very hard to be able to do so. My Dad often questions my need for these vacation getaways. He’s a man that works and pays bills and does the same few hobbies in town where he lives. He’s as grounded as an old tree with roots that you cannot pull out. I believe somehow I get that free spirit he doesn’t understand from my Bio Mom. And, my stepmom, who ended up being my most consistent parent also loved vacations and exploring. She made sure we did it, while my Dad grumbled the whole way.

But, it’s like I’m a “free spirit” that has chosen to lock myself in a very tight and suffocating cage. And I only allow myself out from time to time. I keep contained because I’ve seen the consequences of wandering around too aimlessly. And I have the discipline to reinforce my own ‘entrapment’ in a lifestyle I don’t necessarily love.

So yes, I will sometimes cry during my post vacation blues. Reality will always come back. Responsibilities will always take precedence. There’s work to be done, bills that need paid, maintenance is required, and fun is deserved sparingly.