10-13-2024
Interviewer: Elisa Escalante/ LCSW
Interviewee: Katie Sheynkman
Intro: Katie is one of my closest long term friends. We met in early 2015 at an MMA gym in Brooklyn. We bonded over grappling and punching each other in the face. We also bonded over relationship drama and break ups. We are there for each other during the hard times. Through the years, I have seen my amazing friend do grappling competitions, give birth to two babies, work her way up through management positions in retail, and stay strong through anxiety and traumatic grievances. Currently she is a manager at a CVS in NYC, and she is kill-in it as a single working Mom. She was open to being interviewed for my blog primarily because she wants to help give wisdom to other women that may have suffered the loss of a child due to a stillbirth. While also simultaneously parenting a child/ children through debilitating grief. The dedication it takes to be a parent while grieving the hardest loss imaginable… I cannot put that into words.
Elisa Q: So Katie, let’s start with your hobbies! Katie A: Before becoming a parent: Mixed martial arts, comic books, traveling with friends, foodie. / Post partum hobbies: Party planning, decorating, cooking, still traveling, but now with my son and family!
Katie on Stillbirth Trauma: I lost Grayson on September 24, 2019. The day I was going through labor, my doctor didn’t believe I was actually in labor. I started to bleed at home and ended up rushing myself to the hospital. By then it was too late. They told me he didn’t have a heartbeat, but I thought “he would be fine” if we just had an emergency C section. I suffered from Preeclampsia which resulted in the loss of Grayson. At the time, I had no idea what Preeclampsia even was. I was never in my life informed about the risks of that condition. This was my first pregnancy and I just did not know. After the doctor informed me “there was no heartbeat”, I was in shock. I shutdown and had no words. Like, I couldn’t even believe that it was my life.
Katie on Post stillborn recovery/ grief: I became a mom, but I did not get to play the part. So it always felt like there was this emptiness; this hole that needed to be filled. Time might heal, but it still leaves a scar. Coping was not easy. I think hope, more than anything else got me through that time. And some of my family members and friends were a great support.
Katie on Second Pregnancy/ Rainbow Baby: After two years, we felt we were ready to try for another baby. Once I found out I was pregnant, I felt both excitement and fear.
Elisa Q: And what type of coping tools did you use during that time to manage your anxiety and physical health?
Katie A: a lot of walks, to include dog walking. I got a lot of fresh air. I meditated, I listen to Hypnobirthing audios. I also reached out to my friends and family whenever I felt anxious and needed affirmations. I hired a Doula to help me during pregnancy and labor & delivery.
Elisa’s recollection: Nathan (Katie’s 2nd baby) was born on June 11, 2022!!! During this time I was very nervous for her. I was in Iceland, and I specifically remember having a difficult time going to sleep because I knew she was in labor, and I was really hopeful that everything was going well. The moment I woke up and checked my phone I saw a picture of her and baby Nathan. I was so thrilled, because Katie is one of my friends that I could just tell; she is meant to be mom.
Elisa Q: So how was the beginning of your parenting journey with Nathan?
Katie A: the first 3 months were hell. Every time he was awake, he was crying always. Then, as soon as he hit three month old, it was like he was a whole different baby; more chill, more well-behaved. Plus, we started to recognize his cries.
Elisa Q: something I ask all post partum Moms; what were your top three most debilitating symptoms when you were freshly postpartum?
Katie A: Anxiety , sleep deprivation and loneliness.
Elisa Q: any comments on parenting a child while still grieving your first born?
Katie A: one of the harder things, is when I see Nathan playing with kids that are Grayson age, I immediately wonder what it would’ve been like if he had his older brother with him. It’s still hard to think about that.
Elisa: I know that you still do a lot to honor and remember your first born Grayson. Including going to the gravesite at least several times a year. I notice you also take Nathan sometimes and teach him how to help honor the memory of his brother.
Katie: yes, he is very young right now, so there is not much that he understands just yet. But I do believe it is important that he knows he is our second born, and he does have an older brother that is in heaven.
(Katie and the father of her two children broke up shortly before Nathan was born.)
Elisa Q: Any tips on healthy coparenting post break up?
Katie A: I think that communication and respect are the top two most important things. Because this other person that you are communicating with, is the other parent to your child. If you can’t respect them, who can you respect? Regardless of what happened, we don’t have to hate each other. And it’s better for our son when we work as a team.
Elisa: circling back to the topic of grief. Many people say that there are helpful things, and also very unhelpful things that people say or do during that fragile time. Do you have any specific examples on this?
Katie: Unhelpful- I had one family member that told me just one year after I lost Grayson that “It’s time to get over it.” And also they asked a question of: “you’re still thinking about that?” As if grief has a timeline. There was also some people that had no idea what to say, so they opted not to say anything at all. Which I find worse, I would’ve rather people reached out to offer condolences. Also, there are some people that try to compare my stillbirth to a miscarriage. And it’s just not the same thing. I’m not trying to dismiss what they went through, but it’s not the same. And I stand firm on that. / Helpful- The people that reached out and offered condolences definitely! There were also many people that sent items meant for honoring or memorabilia. Like ornaments or frames.
(Elisa: by the end of this interview I had a memory of someone from the gym sending me a condolence message for Katie via instagram. At the time it was only one day after Grayson passed, and I was afraid to send it to Katie. I asked Katie if she would like me to read it to her now, and she obliged. It was a beautiful heartfelt message that I will leave out of the interview. But Katie loved it and wanted to share her reaction)
Katie: That was so kind of her to say. It was definitely crazy to see just how many people were affected by my experience. People that barely knew me or were just acquaintances mentioned they cried. That they were thinking about me. It taught me just how many people have deep empathy when others are going through hard times.
Elisa Q: Lastly, what are your family values? And what types of morals and values do you want to raise Nathan with on your parenting journey?
Katie A: My values & morals for myself and Nathan include:
Adventure – always going on vacations
Empathy – understanding mental health and how others may feel
Kindness
Independence
Intelligence
Family
Functionally Mental 