After Ever After

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 04-01-2025

“Love is the chemical reaction. The relationship is the construct/ contract that’s meant to trap it. Will the relationship nurture the love or kill it? Only time will tell.” -EaE

The Prince and Princess get married and turn into the King and Queen. The ceremony, interactions, and celebration feels/ looks perfect. Everyone is happy for them, they are elated. They ride off into the sunset into the perfect Honeymoon. Somewhere warm and beautiful where they will take the most amazing pictures to show off to their friends/ family. It’s the perfect precursor to a happily ever after story. But, what really happens after the “Ever After”? Why is that part never shown in the Disney movies or Romcoms? Reality destroys the illusion of fantasy. Raising kid’s in reality might destroy their ability to hope for the best case scenario in their life. Best case scenario (presumably) being that they will grow up healthy, get a good job, make good income, get married, have a family, and be happy most days. Most people will be conditioned to hope/ strive for this, but very few will be able to pull it off successfully.

After Ever After looks like:

• Living with the same person every single day. This person won’t likely be a prince/ princess/ King or Queen, they will be a regular human that could be prone to bad moods and health problems. They will have human limitations and require rest, recovery, time off to decompress; sometimes in solitude.
• Ongoing attempts to split chores throughout stressful work weeks. Who’s cooking? Who’s cleaning? Who’s running errands? Who’s shopping for new items? Sometimes this will turn into a competition for relaxation time. Chances are; both people are tired/ stressed and need time off. This may also involve bias; socially conditioned gender ‘norms’. Some people enter their relationships under the impression that the ‘man will provide’ and the ‘woman will naturally do all of the cleaning/ cooking’. Chances are; one person has higher cleanliness standards than the other partner. This leads to a dynamic where one partner becomes the ‘nag’ and the other partner becomes the one that is pestered.
• A gradual decrease in dopamine levels over time as the novelty/ ‘honeymoon phase’ wears off. This often coincides with getting into a sustainable and sometimes monotonous/ boring routine. After dopamine depletes, it is common for people to go into dopamine withdrawal, and they may seek it out elsewhere.
• A need to compromise/ collaborate. Everyone is now living by two sets of rules; their own rules as well as their partners rules for them. The arguments that do not get resolved might turn into perpetual arguing overtime; leading to resentment. And, just because they stop arguing about it, does not mean they resolved the issue. They may have just given up/ withdrawn/ or numbed it out because arguing get’s exhausting.
• Sometimes the decision to have a family; many more things to agree on and/ or fight about. Splitting up daily parental responsibilities. Decisions on parenting styles and how the kid’s will be raised; socialized & educated. More daily exhaustion/ sleep deprivation which will impact mood. As kid’s get older, there is a chance that they might ‘triangulate their parents’ by playing favorites or lying to them to create a scenario that is in their (the kid’s) favor. Another common thing that parents argue about in therapy.
• Settling. The common term of ‘settle down’ literally has the word ‘settle’ in it. In a traditional heterosexual monogamous relationship; he is settling for her, and she is settling for him. This means that most needs must get met solely by the partner, with very limited ability to outsource. In therapy, the common theme is people venting about how their partner does not fulfill “X,Y,Z’ for them, and the question of ‘how can they get their partner to change’. Which often times cannot happen; as it would be a violation of consent and/ or coercion at a minimum! The cardinal rule still applies: We cannot change people.
• The possibility of infidelity. Quantitative data already shows us that cheating is a lot more common than people want to admit. Also, it is likely under reported as it is done in secrecy and shame. The cheater lives a lie, which can perpetuate anxiety and shame. The victim of cheating is also living a lie, and will likely suffer from betrayal trauma when/ if they find out. No one wins.
• The possibility of perpetual disappointment. Remember that as children, most of us are fed a fantasy full of unrealistic expectations. Chances are, no one can live up to these expectations every single day, 24/7, until death. Overinflated expectations lead to high hopes. High hopes lead to higher frustration/ shock when things do not work out the way we thought they would.
• Shifts in Power/ control dynamics. It’s not uncommon that people in relationships will assign rules to one another. However, we cannot control other humans. There is always a chance that those rules get violated. When rules are violated, many people are tempted to tighten the reigns on their partner; practicing more control. There’s the assumption that control prevents betrayal and discomfort. It’s merely a band aid. Some people have an inner rebel; which would lead them to do the very thing you are trying to prevent. Alternatively, if you do successfully control someone; that’s abuse. Then, the relationship is no longer a loving relationship of free will. Rather, it’s an abusive relationship; abuser & hostage.
• Disagreements on money. It’s not a glamorous topic and some couples pretend that they are ‘above fighting over money’. Or ‘money isn’t as important as love’. But, because money provides stability, and a lack of money perpetuates stress/ instability; plenty of couples will argue about finances. Chances are; someone has looser spending habits. Someone might be more frugal. This can become an ongoing compatibility issue that erodes a happy marriage.

• The possibility of living “Miserably ever After”. It’s easy to tell people: “Just get a divorce”. But some people put the value of ‘married until death do we part, for better or worse’ very seriously. This can also be rooted in cultural, religious and family values. Some people will choose vows over their personal happiness. I have seen this come up many times in sessions. Some couples decide to transition into platonic room mates, but sleeping separately and living separate lives. Some couples lie by omission, and put on an act anytime they are around each other; not living genuinely as themselves anymore. Worst case scenario is domestic violence, even sometimes, murder.

Conclusion: I will not tell someone that ‘they will find the one, and live happily ever after’; because this is not probable. It’s actually quite rare. I won’t tell someone to ‘choose their partner wisely’. Why? Another important cardinal rule: we cannot predict the future. You can attempt to ‘choose wisely’, but you cannot guarantee that person you married won’t change… next month, next year, or after a decade or more of marriage. You also cannot guarantee that you won’t change. We cannot force feelings to remain, as they are fleeting; and yes this includes loving feelings. There is an ever growing divorce rate accompanied by the ability to catch people in lies due to social media; higher odds of shattering our illusions/ delusions. If you do decide to marry, may the odds be ever in your favor. But, it’s probably just as difficult as winning the lottery.