Half Awake

Elisa A Escalante / LCSW/ 08- 18-2024

I’m half awake. Only half at play. Only half yours. Only half this day …will be mine. Only half my mind. Only half my fears, just half this body …. is here. I’m for the sky’s. My true demise… is my soul is gone. But the flesh is fine. How am I still awake? Haven’t I learned to pray? Why fear what’s next… When I’m already gone? -EaE

It’s a brand new cranky wake up every morning. Another Ground hogs day. Repetition. I feel paralyzed upon waking up. I’m angry. I dread it. I’m somehow shocked at how I feel, even though it’s always the same. My mind runs through the same pessimistic thoughts despite the fact that I’ve worked through cognitive behavioral therapy since my early 20s. Im groggy, sometimes dizzy. I hit snooze 1 or 2… or 3 times. When I force myself up for work, I can’t control my muscular motors very well. I walk into the walls and doors. I brace myself with the walls so I don’t fall over completely. Everything I do feels forced and painful. I rush out the door late most days. It will be hours before I feel awake. And that’s always a maybe. Some days I won’t wake up fully.

Yes I have experienced this after 4 hours, 5 hours, 6 hours, 7 hours, 8, 9, 10 plus. Yes I have also experienced this regardless of healthy eating vs junk food. I experience it regardless of how little I workout or how much I workout. It does not matter, it makes no difference. It’s called hypersomnia, I was diagnosed in my early twenties. And it’s a condition that’s heavily linked to major depression. I get tired of the “good mornings” from coworkers. I do have the privilege of an office now though. I can try to hide from them. But then there’s the patients! Waking up for primary care patients by 0800. This sounds whiny and yet, Im just telling the truth. I really want to be able to wake up, but I don’t get to make that choice my body and brain chemicals do.

Then there’s the workout or martial arts after work. By then I’m typically only half awake. I either woke up for a bit and crashed, or never fully woke up. Sports are more dangerous when you are fatigued. Especially a combat sport. I have to be careful and put my ego aside and respect my limitations. My BJJ team is made up of strong athletic and explosive military men that wrestle me on the regular. If I’m not sharp or cautious, I could easily get injured.

This was only recently validated for me when I talked to my cousins again in Texas earlier this summer. Everyone in my family has a sleep disorder. Some of us are nocturnal, some night owls, some have Narcolepsy, hypersomnia and / or insomnia. My dad also has sleep apnea! I was so proud of myself and my cousins, how our generation is finally starting to talk about our mental health struggles guilt free. We talked about how hard it gets to ‘wake up’ for the 9-5 lifestyle: just trying to get through the day. And some of them have kids too! For a while, I used to describe hypersomnia as ‘being on half empty’, however, that makes it sound like the issue is being ‘low on fuel’. Fuel has nothing to do with it. Now, I’ve realized the more appropriate way to explain us is as people that are ‘only half awake’.

Anytime I talk to clients, friends or family that have hypersomnia, I have also noticed a theme. A theme of everyone wanting to ‘escape’ life through sleeping. Sleeping is the ultimate escapism when you may not want to be awake, living life day to day. It doesn’t necessarily mean suicidal, but it means there is an extreme exhaustion when it comes to living life. The art of ‘waking up and doing’ is exhausting. Something in our brain ‘does not want it’, and would prefer the sleep instead. It could also explain why our (hypersomniacs) sleep is ‘never restful’ and rarely restores our energy levels. The mental component could be the perpetual thought patterns of dreading the day and the exhausting work that the day might require.

Giving ourselves Grace

Just like with any medical or mental health condition, hypersomnia requires that we give ourselves grace first. Recognizing that we have a condition that is not our fault, and often times out of our control. Recognizing that there are limitations that it causes; leading to grief of ‘what we could be doing’ and accepting ‘what is’. Deciding if medication (whether prescription or holistic/ herbal) is the right step for us; weighing all the pros and cons. Picking our jobs or lifestyles with the condition in mind, as to not exacerbate it (I myself am not doing well with that as I work in primary care which always has an early morning start).

Dealing with Peer judgement/ Stigmas

Like any other physical or mental health condition; people don’t understand it unless they have to live with it. With that being said, you are going to get a ton of unhelpful comments and/ or advice from friends, family members or work peers. To be honest, I usually avoid talking about my mental health problems for this very reason. Educating people can be exhausting. So, I prefer not to mention anything at all. However, it’s hard to avoid this in a job. Your coworkers or boss will likely notice how tired you look, every day. They will eventually get concerned and teach you about their sleep hygiene routine’s, diets etc etc. You have to smile and nod. Or you can explain that you have a condition but that is 100% up to you. Also, they may hear it, but not believe it’s real.

It gets Superficial too… unfortunately

Before I learned how to properly do my make up, I used to get comments allllll theeee timmmmeee. It usually went something like this (on a rotation): “Are you okay?” “Are you sick?” “Are you tired?” The dark circles under my eye’s do not go away. I was tested for anemia and thyroid problems, and both tests came back wnl. I was also tested for sleep apnea; it came back normal. The fatigue and dark circles have been prevalent since I was 5 or six years old. I don’t wear makeup to be cute. I literally wear makeup so that people stop asking me those questions. (And sometimes looking cuter is a bonus)

Coping skills

• Surrounding yourself with the friends and family members that are empathic helps! (My ex Fiance used to force me up early to go hiking with him in the freezing cold to ‘cure me’. It was horrific and led to us getting in some serious verbal altercations. Sleep affects mood, mood effects sleep. Don’t let anyone mess with your sleep.)
• Sleeping in shame free. We may need to catch up on sleep. Or we may need days where we naturally get to wake up without an alarm. (Due to depression and hypersomnia; my body tends to want to naturally awaken, slowly get up, move slowly until the middle of the day. My energy peak does not happy until evenings or nighttime. Hence, why I strictly workout in afternoons vs mornings. Forcing a hypersomniac to wake up and workout is hazardous!)
• Workout regardless. I know it sounds like a soapbox, but it’s just true. Human beings need movement. A large perpetuating factor of depression is being too sedentary due to our fatigue, and then we become more tired. Then the pounds add up, then workouts become increasingly harder, then the shame. Vicious cycle. But here’s the thing; pick whatever the heck you want! Walk/ hike, or play a sport, or lift, or pole dance, or do martial arts, or play golf, or Pilates/ yoga, have amazing action-packed sex, swim or go climb things. Whatever in the world you want to do to move your body, go for it. Pace yourself! Because you are only half awake.