Jealous

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-12-2026

I came across a very controversial stream of TikTok’s. The debate centered around a video in which a content creator admitted to being very jealous of one of her friends. She spoke about it so openly and honestly. She was vulnerable about it, I will admit. Some people praised her for her honesty and could relate. Others were heavily triggered by her honesty and urged her to seek therapy because she is… dangerous. Many people stated that it is normal for humans to feel jealousy sometimes, while other people said fleeting jealousy could be normal, but spending a large amount of time with someone that you secretly dislike, is abnormal and toxic.

There’s a distinction between emotions, thoughts and behaviors. The emotion of jealousy, like all other emotions, is normal and fleeting. Every human will feel jealous sometimes. But as I always say, our thoughts can be fabricated. And, our behaviors can be modified. The influencer not only expressed jealousy, but it became clear she had what is known as “compare and despair” thought patterns. She compared her life to her friends in a way that caused her to feel her friend is privileged, while she could “never be as lucky as her”. She resented her over time. And yes, this can be toxic. It’s a negative schema that promotes victimhood and resentment towards those that she perceives as ‘better off’.

In therapy, when my clients bring up jealousy, I encourage them to look inward. There’s three to four major questions I ask them to reflect on:

1- What do I fear? 2- What are my unmet needs? 3- Can I achieve what they have? If so, how?

Why are these answers relevant? They help get us back to ourselves and what is in our control. The questions can also help keep us from projecting our jealousy onto the person that triggered it. Because in the majority of cases, people are not purposely trying to make us jealous. It just, happens. It isn’t about the person that triggered the jealousy, it is about the core wound that was hurt within us.

The fears: When people are jealous, they tend to fear a multitude of things. It could be a fear of being rejected, a fear of being cheated on, lied to or abandoned. We could fear social rejection or embarrassment. Our egos are often involved in this. And if we act out due to our jealousy having an underlying fear, it often makes the situation worse. Especially because the majority of those fears are completely out of our control. Why are these fears so potent? Because technically it is a part of our survival. Our mental / emotional safety is just as relevant as our physical safety. Human beings need to connect, be accepted, be loved and so on. Our lifestyles depend on a society that accepts and takes care of us. But, if we aren’t careful and we let the jealousy lead to maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors, we could perpetuate the very thing we are trying to avoid: social persecution and betrayal.

The Unmet needs: The unmet needs that could trigger our jealousy? What if we see someone getting the attention that we want and have been deprived of? Or the money, success or promotion that we so desperately need. Or the quality time we have been begging for? The emotional attunement or the shelter/ security we long for? It can be hurtful and tempting to dislike the person who appears to get something we need, for minimal to no effort at all. But that energy we exert toward jealousy and hatred would be better exerted toward….

The achievements we want: If someone has something that we want, whether it be time, attention, success, promotions, we are better off finding out how we can achieve the same things. Rather than hating on someone that already has it. IF anything, that person could be our mentor, assuming they earned it. Or we can find mentors to help guide us in the direction we want. Sure, the world is full of privilege, but dwelling on that does not get us any closer to a goal that we want to achieve. Create a plan, goals, objectives and execute. Work on being calculated. And when things get hard? Remember that that is why so many people quit. That’s the process. When I see people achieving things that I want, I remind myself that it is because I have been slacking and allowing myself to get further from my goals. Maybe I became complacent or fearful. It has nothing to do with that other person.

Conclusion: If there is any take away, always remember: Feelings are facts, thoughts can be fabricated, and behaviors can be modified. Know the difference between the three. An emotion is a human response and meant to be interpreted, thoughts can be distorted and destructive if we aren’t careful. Behaviors can be harmful/ maladaptive so we must work on them always. They happen so quickly in a chain of events that quite often, people mix them up and believe they are one in the same. Break them down. Learn, grow, practice humility.