Elisa A. Escalante / LCSW/ 10-31-2026
I wake up taking my obnoxious CPAP mask off of my face. It’s annoying but at least I wake up feeling only slightly groggy with a chance of some daytime energy that will kick in later. There’s still dread. There’s still depression and hypersomnia. There’s still the desire to stay asleep, maybe forever. Getting up must be slow. Lethargy impairs my psychomotors. Or perhaps it’s the dizziness and vertigo I have yet to seek medical attention for. Or in the Spring, it’s perhaps the leftover sleep drunkenness from the Benadryl I took the night before, in order to not have red/itchy/ watery eyes during my work day. I take my Wegovy pill, shortly before I leave for work, roughly half an hour before eating. Without it, my cravings will turn me into a ravenous vulture by the end of a stressful workday. I have various emotional cravings, but stress is the most potent one.
During my workdays, when I feel the pulsating threat of a migraine, I must take the Ibuprofen. Everyone has warned me not to take too much, but, working a full day with a migraine? That’s not going to work when you have a job that requires your patients full attention; behavioral health work. I can have up to 8 patients in one day at 40-45 min intervals. Any emotion could come to the surface and threaten to come out. I’m doing the very thing we encourage people not to do, I’m repressing and compartmentalizing my feelings. I cannot break down in front of my patients and burden them with my emotions. They are coming to me for support, not the other way around. So anything that is triggered; sadness, anxiety, claustrophobia, anger, hopelessness, obsessiveness etc. I must shrink it down and put it in the back of my mind. At the end of the workday is when I’m allowed to feel again.
If I’m going to yoga after work, there is much less pressure. The harder part is the act of ‘surrendering’ regardless of what the day threw at me. It’s a strange feeling. It’s like learning to stay calm in the midst of a hundred fires. It’s hard in that way, so I know it’s necessary for my mental health. And if I go to jiu jitsu? That take’s insane hyper focus. It takes a concentration that I can rarely summon. Getting my brain beat up all day and then getting my body beat up in the evenings? I usually go once or twice a week tops. I modify warm up drills and techniques due to injury, depression, PTSD and vertigo risk. Can I do a break fall without further traumatizing my glute injury that I’ve had for the past 15 years? Can I do front or back rolls without getting dizzy, or the feeling that the room is caving in on me? Sometimes I’ll lean on the wall to steady myself as I walk to the other side of the mat and prepare for the next drill. I just hope no one notices.
In the evening, the depression cave comes out to play. It’s a strange feeling, to wake up with crippling depression and dread, to spend the majority of the day yearning to be home and finally have time for myself. Then when the time comes, a deep pit of loneliness, boredom or sadness kicks in. Then the temptation to self medicate. Do I have an addictive personality? Absolutely, my Mom did too, as well as most of her side of the family. Then I’m doing a very strategic calculation. What medicine? What dose? What will make me more functional and with the least amount of damage? When am I taking it too far? When is it time to be high, and when is it the time to be sober?
On the weekends, I socialize. This has nothing to do with a deep yearning for connection. I just know that it’s helpful for depression. For me, motivation to connect is rare, but the feeling during and after can be quite pleasant. As long as I go into it with healthy expectations and I make a conscious effort to be present. Ironically, socializing always presents the risk of feeling ‘lonelier’. Why? Because of a deep disconnect. Is there commonality with who I am talking to? Is there reciprocal energy? Are there triggers present? This is where CPTSD comes out to play. Tones, phrases, body language, energy in the room, affect, and behaviors. Before I know it, a person that has been perfectly nice, I could be looking at them through a different lens. Now all of a sudden they want to get close to me so that they can use me, rob me, abuse me, manipulate me…. they must have ‘ulterior motives’. These thoughts are even more amplified with potential romantic connections.
And with feeding myself? This is quite complex, I have both a food addiction and an eating disorder. I know when my food addiction is flaring up, because of how awful, emotional and angry I feel after days of eating healthy. I have more fatigue as well. I get my fix and order some fast food, and then the next day I feel completely emotionally regulated and ‘normal’. The eating disorder comes out to play if I step on a scale, hate the results, and I get tempted to workout harder or eat less. If I change my outfit multiple times, because I never look good in anything. If I tell myself ‘no you can’t have that’, and then I want it even more. If someone gives me diet advice, and now instead I have more cravings and urges to binge. When my clothes fit looser, and yet I somehow feel ‘fatter’ because I am dysmorphic and I cannot see myself through an accurate and non bias lens. All in all, I have had to admit to myself that I cannot be trusted to make conscious healthy daily choices when it comes to food. Cravings feel like a possession. So I order meal preps to be delivered to my door; Cook Unity can choose better for me.
I know that a feeling can have a meaning that needs to be processed. I also know that a feeling could be fleeting and mean nothing at all. I know that, just like with any other human, I will not have an endless supply of motivation. I know that regardless of how I feel, I have basic essential needs that oughta be met if I want to try to feel even halfway descent in my not so distant future. And this means, dragging myself through the motions. Being forced onto a treadmill in a run or sprint, when all I want to do is walk or crawl. If I didn’t learn discipline through strict parents, sports and a full military contract, who knows where I would be right now. Maybe on my 600 lb life? But let me give myself some credit, I have a relentless drive. Because I swim to the surface every single day, with bricks weighing me down. And, I know I am not the only one. Many people must work around their limitations every single day, either that or they keep drowning/ sinking. We may want to feel as if we are living our ‘best life’, but if we are being honest, half the time we are fighting to survive.
I used to shame myself for my symptoms. Now, I believe that I take pride in my ability to overcome and outsmart them every single day.
