When the Songs Got it Right

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 8-13-2020

         To follow up after my blog: When the movies got it right, I now want to take us into various song quotes that represent mental anguish and emotional expression. Though songs may be simplified as a form of ‘art’ so to speak, there is no denying their power. Song lyrics can often remind people of a part of themselves that they do not know how to express. When people have a hard time verbalizing how they feel, it is not uncommon for them to use songs as the template of their mental pain. We may use songs to express how we felt about our upbringing, societal stressors, in addition to proclaiming our feelings in a loving and/ or painful relationship. We also use songs to express the anguish of daily life as well as the deep scars from many traumatic experiences, from historical events to current events. Also, at the other end of the spectrum, it can be an attraction toward lyrics that motivate us when nothing else can/ will. A song can fill the gap, it can be that expression that we may long to get out into the open. I apologize in advance as I know I am most likely leaving some epic lyrics out of this blog!  I do not know every amazing song in the world, but this is me trying my best! Here are some of the song lyrics, that truly got it right:

“Can’t you see that you’re smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control, cause everything that you thought I would be, has fallen apart, right in front of you. Every step that I take is another mistake to you, and every second I waste is more than I can take.” -Numb, Linkin Park

 “Every time, when I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face getting clearer, the past is gone… it went by, like dusk to dawn. Isn’t that the way, everybody’s got their dues in life to pay” – Dream on, Aerosmith

“I’ll do whatever it takes, when I’m with you I get the shakes, my body aches when I aint with you, I have zero strength. There’s no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths. Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks gonna be that one, and then once we get em’ it’s never the same? You want them when they don’t want you, soon as they do, feelings change.” -Eminem, Spacebound

“I, feel something so right doing the wrong thing, I, feel something so wrong, doing the right thing. I could lie, could lie, could lie, everything that kills me, makes me feel alive” -Counting Stars, One republic

 “Broken heart again, another lesson learned, better know your friends, or else you will get burned. Gotta count on me, cause’ I can guarantee that I’ll be fine… no more pain. No more pain, no drama… no more drama in my life, no one’s gonna’ make me hurt again.” -Mary J Blige, No more Drama

“Don’t leave me I, Oh I will hate myself until I die.. My heart would break without you, might not awake without you. Been hurting low, from living high for so long. I’m sorry and I love you, sing with me, “bell bottom blue”, I’ll keep on searching for an answer, because I need you more than dope….” -Lady Gaga, Dope

“Another mother’s breaking heart is taking over. When the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken. It’s the same old theme, since nineteen-sixteen, in your head in your head, they’re still fighting. With their tanks, and their bombs, and their bombs, and their guns, in your head, in your head, they are dying.” -Zombie, The Cranberries

“Love can touch us one time, and last for, a lifetime, and never let go ‘til.. we’re gone.” -Celine Dion, My heart will go on

“It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you, everywhere I go, but I’m doing it. It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone. Still harder, gettin up, gettin dressed, living with, this regret, but I know, if I could do it over.. I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken.” -Rascall Flatts, What hurts the most

“Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I’m right. Swear I knew it all along and I am flawed.. but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.. so clear. -Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

“Sun is up, I’m a mess, gotta get out now, gotta run from this, here comes the shame. Here comes the shame… I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. I’m gonna live, like tomorrow doesn’t exist, like it doesn’t exist. I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry.. and I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes, keep my glass full until morning light, cause I’m just holding on for tonight.” -Sia, Chandelier

“So many times, it happens too fast, you trade your passion for glory. Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of your past, you must fight just to keep them alive” -Eye of the Tiger, Survivor

“I used to wake up some days, and wish I’d stayed asleep. Because I went to bed on top of the world, today the worlds on top of me. Everybody’s got opinions, they share, they’ve been in my position, they don’t care, and it breaks my heart when I hear what they have to say about me.” -He still loves me, Beyonce & Walter Williams

“I used to crave the worlds attention, I think I cried too many times, I just need some more affection, anything to get me by. A hundred million stories and a hundred million songs I feel stupid when I sing, nobody’s listening to me, nobody’s listening. I talk to shooting stars, but they always get it wrong I feel stupid when I pray, why the fuck am I praying anyways? If nobody’s listening?! -Anyone, Demi Lovato

 “It’s just a cruel existence like there’s no point in hoping at all. Baby, baby, I feel crazy, up all night, all night and every day. Give me something, oh, but you say nothing. What is happening to me?! I don’t wanna live forever, cause I know I’ll be living in vain, and I don’t’ wanna fit, wherever, I just wanna keep calling your name, til you come back home.” -I don’t wanna live forever, Taylor swift and Zayn Malik

“I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic, and my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it. I know I’m hurting deep down, but can’t show it, I never had a place to call my own, I never had a home, aint nobody callin my phone. Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind? They say every life is precious but nobody care about mine.” -1-800-273-8255, Logic

“I see no changes; all I see is racist faces. Misplaced hate makes disgrace to races. We under, I wonder what it takes to make this, one better place, let’s erase the wasted. Take the evil out of people they’ll be acting right, cause both black and white, is smokin crack tonight. The only time we chill is when we kill each other, it takes skills to be real, time to heal each other.” -Changes, Tupac

“Heaven knows that I’ve been told, paid for the life that I chose, if I could I’d trade it all… trade it for a halo. And she said that she’ll pray for me, I said ‘it’s too late for me’, ‘cause I think it’s safe to say… this aint ordinary life.” -Ordinary Life, The Weeknd

“Piece by piece, he collected me up, off the ground, where you abandoned things. Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me. Six years old and you know, he never walks away, he never asks for money, he takes care of me, ‘cause he loves me, piece by piece, he restored my faith that a man can be kind and a father could, stay.” -Piece by piece, Kelly Clarkson

 “And in the naked light I saw, ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening. People writing songs, that voices never share. And no one dared… disturb the sound, of silence.” -The sound of silence, Simon & Garfunkel

“She won’t touch me, I won’t touch her, we rarely even ever say a word, I really want to give her everything she deserves but the bad took away the good. She thinks that I’m full of it, arguments, always pissed, man I’m tired. Every kiss that I miss, girl you know I’m trying. You never believe when I say, and I never believe it when you say, I love you. And I shouldn’t complain about it, I should take it like a man and walk up out it, ‘cause we will never be the same. I’ve been standing in gas, and you have been the flame.” -Moving Mountains, Usher 

“Too late, my time has come, sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, oooooh… I don’t want to die, I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.” -Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

“The time has come, to say fairs fair, to pay the rent, to pay our share. The time has come, a fact’s a fact, it belongs to them, let’s give it back. How can we dance when our earth is turning? how do we sleep while our beds are burning?” -Beds are burning, Midnight Oil

“All the youth in the world will not save you from growing older. And all the truth in the girl is too precious to be stolen from her. It’s just the way it is, maybe it’s never gonna change, but I got a mind to show my strength, and I got a right to speak my mind. And I’m gonna pay for this, they’re gonna burn me at the stake, but I got a fire in my veins. I wasn’t made to fall in line. -Fall in Line, Christina Aguilera

“So I took what’s mine, by eternal right, took your soul out into the night. It may be over but it won’t stop there, I am here for you if you’d only care. You touched my heart, you touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, my heart was blinded by you.” -Goodbye my Lover, James Blunt

“I’m never gonna let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me, ‘cause every time I open up, it hurts. So I’m never gonna get too close to you, even when I mean the most to you, in case you go and leave me in the dirt.” -Too Good at Goodbyes, Sam Smith

“Some days, things just take, way too much of my energy. I look up and the whole world’s spinning. You take my cares away, I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate. Feel my blood runnin’, swear the sky’s fallin’. How do I know if this shit’s fabricated?” -Breathin, Ariana Grande

“And now, I’m glad I didn’t know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives, are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss… the dance. -The Dance, Garth Brooks

“I can wait another day, until I call you. You’ve only got my heart on a string and everything a-flutter. But another lonely night, might take forever. We’ve only got each other to blame, it’s all the same to me love. Cause I know, what I feel, to be right… No more lonely nights, no more lonely nights. You’re my guiding light, day or night I’m always there.” -No more lonely nights, Paul McCartney

NOT your Mother Teresa

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 8-5-2020

“When helping someone, if you are working harder than they are, that’s a problem.” -EaE

     The kindest people of the world get put up on the most dangerous types of pedestals. The pedestal of people pointing at them as the ‘go to’ person anytime anyone needs anything, ever. Unfortunately, it’s not always as simple as ‘you come first’ statements to cure this issue. Someone who is constantly exploited for their kindness, emotional maturity and excess empathy may not even see the true pattern. It feels so natural, so right, to always step up and help others. It feels good to get that constant reassurance through ‘thank you’ s’ and ‘you’re the bests’ as well as ‘No one has helped me the way you have’. However, beneath every kind/ foolish heart is a lifetime of pain. A person that constantly helps others at the detriment of their own mental health, is NOT an okay person. I will start by laying out some key terms that correlate with the ‘Mother Teresa’s’ of the world, the ones that are constantly doing for others.

Fawning- A trauma response/ defense mechanism that consists of constant ‘people pleasing’ to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships and earn approval from others. If confrontation puts someone head to head with ‘fight or flight’ (common for abuse survivors that needed to appease a temperamental guardian) said person may likely fawn over others to keep the peace.

Savior complex- (AKA White knight syndrome) describes the need to ‘save’ people by fixing their problems. Some explain a sense of feeling good about themselves and/ or ‘worthy’ only if they help others. (Common for children that grew up with parent(s) struggling with Domestic violence and/ or drug addictions & needed consistent saving)

Survivor guilt- A moral injury/ grieving process that occurs when someone feels wrong or guilty about surviving a traumatic event that others did not survive. Guilt may cause individual to feel they deserve to suffer and may consistently attempt to make up for the past while disregarding their own well being. (Extremely common with war traumas)

Codependency- A behavioral condition in a relationship in which someone enables another person’s addiction(s), poor self-care choices, lack of accountability etc due to their own excessive reliance on that person’s approval. Requiring said approval for their own sense of purpose/ identity. (Common in addiction & abusive households)

Rigid Obligatory Roles- When family members or coworkers place one key person in a place of heightened obligation and said individual consistently steps up to the role until it becomes what feels like a ‘natural’ compulsion. (Examples: the ‘ATM’ of the family, the ‘go to’ for emotional support, the DD for every event etc. The obligatory person is often someone struggling with a savior complex or survivor’s guilt)

Trauma bonding- Strong emotional attachments between an abused person and his/ her abuser, formed as a result of a cycle of violence and enmeshed identities of ‘the controller’ and ‘the victim’. (Often the result of a child being loved & abused interchangeably during childhood from 1 or more abusive guardian. Love and tragedy become enmeshed)

     If anyone suffers from any of the above conditions, behavioral traits and/ or defense mechanisms, it is worth reflecting on. If we suffer from said conditions and find ourselves in a constant state of anxiousness, irritability, relational issue’s and work-related stressors, there may be a direct correlation. My very first hint of this being an issue for me came from no other: A social worker. A social worker that I happened to be deployed to Afghanistan with. After many long (and I’m sure annoying) slew of vents from me regarding my difficult friendships and relationships she blurted out: “Have you ever thought about why you have the types of relationships that you do? Why are you always attracting those types of people, who always seem to be in a state of crisis?”

     I was stunned. I was not out of denial just yet. I was just shocked and appalled that she would assume it’s ‘my fault’. I desperately in my own mind searched for someone I knew that was ‘normal’, someone that did not cause any drama. Okay, yea there were none. Then again, I used to believe ‘normal’ existed back in those days. However, what this social work colleague was really trying to point out was that there was a role I chose to play in every friendship, relationship or acquaintanceship I got myself into. I was typically fawning, saving, and providing an endless amount of emotional support meanwhile living in denial about my own issues. It was a distraction/ avoidance technique that eventually turned into a heavy compulsion. I had no clue now to create boundaries for myself. This was an extremely crucial thing to learn.  We are accountable for the types of people we bring in and out of our lives. We are 99.9% accountable for the ass pain we want to deal with or NOT deal with. It is never as simple as “I’m a good person and the world is evil toward me.” With a statement like that, we fail to see our own personal role in savior/ victim relationships.

     Here’s some important questions/ reflections: Are people using us (savior mother Teresa types) on purpose? Are they viciously and selfishly using us? Or are we compulsively helping even when some people didn’t ask for our help? Perhaps it’s a bit of both. Perhaps they are using us selfishly. Then again, perhaps they are codependent and don’t even realize they are in a chronic state of victimhood, meanwhile we may not realize we are in a chronic state of fawning. Perhaps we are hunting and jumping at every opportunity we can find to save someone in order to feel ‘worthy’ or make up for an everlasting regret. The world is full of people that need saving, if we look hard enough, it’s never hard to find them. We (saviors) also need saving but tend to neglect those needs due to the preference of getting distracted by the need of others.

      What happens when Boundaries are made?

     Typically, if we are brave enough to start setting boundaries for the sake of our self-preservation, the ones that ‘need’ us most don’t respond well. There is a likelihood that they will question or counter the boundaries. There is a likelihood that they will ignore them completely. There might even be anger or guilt tactics involved to try and reel the savior back into the role. For those that are serious about eliminating their Mother Teresa Ambiance, DO NOT CAVE. Remember that a part of what makes us so approachable and inviting is exactly that: We are approachable and inviting. STOP. Learn to say no, if we don’t know how to, we must practice it. There are very little excuses needed, as boundaries are a natural human right. IF we do not teach others of our boundaries, they may never even realize that said boundaries exist. Here’s another crucial question: Can we find an identity outside of being a savior? Yes, we can. Look for it, explore it, fight for it. It’s is NOT easy, but worth it. If life feels meaningless and empty without saving other’s, we have a lot of work to do with learning to love ourselves.

     A person exhibiting codependent traits may personalize their friend and/ or family members boundaries. They may believe it’s about them. I can easily assure anyone I know that my boundaries are never about them, they are about me, and my own personal sanity. Do not put me on a pedestal, do not believe I am the answer to all your problems. Do not assume I want to go from a 9-5 where I help people all day to an evening of helping you, for free, with all your issue’s too. Do not believe that someone else is ever more responsible for your issue’s than you are. Do not believe that anyone owes you anything, ever. I (and many others) will always be a kind, because it was a value instilled in us from childhood. True kindness and empathy are extremely rare, and unfortunately the world can spoil it fast. Many of us do not want to be depleted of kindness, and in order to preserve this value, we must make boundaries. We must protect ourselves; we are not your Mother Teresa.

Heart of Ruby

Elisa A Escalante

“Maybe you didn’t need me, but I needed you,

As I sat on that rock, waiting to see you,

You called and said you’d come, and somehow I believed you,

And watched the cars go by, hoping I’d see you,

Because you gave me life, yes I came from you,

But you were not there, to see my life through,

You always left me, yet I never stopped loving you,

Because every time I saw you, I felt you were brand new,

And it made me angry, knowing I couldn’t change you,

Grabbing at your feet, begging and pleading with you,

To not go in that room, and put that stuff in you.

I thought that I meant more, since I belonged to you.

I always thought you’d change, and that you’d get a clue,

In that dazed mind of yours, that perhaps I needed you,

But you never came, as I waited for you,

That last time was the last, that I would ever trust you,

Because enough is enough, there is no changing you,

Not for your son or your daughter, not for your husband or you,

Maybe you don’t think of me, but I think of you,

As I spend my life, waiting to see you………

*************************************

And then the moment came, that I could see you,

Not the best circumstance, not the best you,

It’s a shame it took so long, for me to see you,

For you to almost die, for me to hear of you,

In a way you were the same, in a way you were still you,

And I became so distant, no longer did I know you,

You told me that you loved me, that I was a part of you,

You told your son to be careful, because he was just like you,

That he’d end up in that bed, if he turned into you.

You loved how much I had grown, and how I looked like you,

And I just sat and cried, as I looked at you.

Knowing ten years sped by, we’d been torn apart by you,

The substances had won, in our battle for you,

They took you over, won your heart too,

But know that no matter what, I’ll try to be there for you.

No longer can it be as your daughter, but as a friend for you.

Yes you never needed me, and now I no longer need you,

Because as you can see, I learned and lived without you…

*************************************

The call I feared had come, and they told me about you,

That you are no longer here, life has made peace with you,

And by my 21st birthday, I could not call you….

And thank you for giving me life, because I had lost you.

I don’t know if I did things right, or if I pleased you…

In your last moments of life, I hope you know I loved you.

I still cannot tell anyone, that I have lost you,

My heart has been so sacred, my soul has been shut too.

There are no words to describe, what I have felt for you,

What I have learned, and the emotions I have from you.

The memories will stay forever, I could never forget you,

The good and the bad, the ugly and the sad too.

I learned at a young age, a long life lesson from you,

That no matter what, I could change no one, not even you,

I understand now why you left, because you knew you,

And that you’d destroy us, if we all stayed with you,

And you felt you weren’t worthy…. No second chance for you…

That maybe you’d done the worst…. Betrayed all of us and you.

But you deserved a second chance, which is why I came to you,

And slept in that hospital room, and cried and cried for you.

And I had come to let you know, because I just had to…….

That through all that has happened…. Yes…. I forgive you.

RIP Mom: December 25 1965 – August 3 2010

Silencing the World

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 7-30-2020

    I used to sit and/ or walk in silence for hours and hours, literally. As a millennial born in 1989, I still remember this: no smart screens. No easy internet access, as it wasn’t allowed in my household. The ‘special’ computer with dial up internet access was locked in the forbidden dungeon (my parents’ room). There was TV, but only accessible when my parents allowed it. I had silence. I knew how-to live-in silence, think in silence and cope in silence. I honestly forgot what that felt like. I forgot a world with silence the moment I owned my first smartphone in 2010, when I was 20 years old.

When we reflect on the first SmartScreen we bought and/ or were gifted, what can we remember? It sucked me in the way my ex-boyfriend was sucked in, from what I recall. He got one just a year before I did, and it seemed like nothing else in the world mattered but that phone. Then admittedly, I repeated the same destructive pattern. I was sucked into another world where I could keep in touch with any/ everyone I had ever met. Being in the military, that was a huge deal as we were always traveling and losing touch. Also, the fact that I was stationed far away from many friends/ family members. I remember the excitement of apps and the endless games/ activities. The portable music, all my favorite songs from every decade in one convenient area!

     One of the most difficult things we must face when we find a new/ exciting coping outlet is asking ourselves this honest question: “When has it gotten out of hand?” Also, when does it feel like too much? Am I addicted to this? Is this impairing my job? My relationships? Is this impairing my mental health? These are hard realities to face when we are sucked into something that brings so much entertainment, adrenaline and joy. Sometimes, the things we want/ welcome are not what’s good for us. When we are in emotional pain, we do not gravitate toward healthy things, we gravitate toward distractions, highs & escapes. An ill mind rarely does what’s best for physical and mental health. Smart screens just became one more interesting/ unique way to cope, and it falls in the realm of all 3 above: A distraction, a high, as well as a form of escapism.

     How much information is too much information? I would never ask that someone become ill informed or try to block out every & every atrocity in this world. But seriously, how much is too much? We are in rare times right now, where constant access to almost all information in the world is met with a mass mandated quarantine. I recently asked a client (who reported being on the screen an average of 12 hours a day) to write down what she is using her phone for. Below is the list:

  • News/ politics
  • Growing her online business
  • Socializing (calls/ texts/ social media’s)
  • Games
  • Music & other forms of entertainment

     My next question: Roughly how many hours a day do you believe you should allot yourself to accomplish these goals on your smart screen?  She thought hard about it and gave an honest answer: 5 hours a day. This does not mean that she could only be on the phone for a max of 5 hours a day. Simply, it became a template, a goal, something to work with and work on. Upon reducing her screen hours to the best of her ability, she reported a decrease in depression, anxiety and anger symptoms. There was also an increase in concentration and motivation which ultimately helped her online business generate more income.

     Less can be more. Less screen time can be more, in the sense that we silence out the world along with the external triggers and symptom exacerbation it causes. The mood fluctuations, the stress hormones it releases, the constant processing that our brain is required to do whenever we read a new tidbit of information. The mental capacity it requires to partake in such online activities every day is a lot more extreme than we give ourselves credit for. My brain literally started to feel like it was frying. The best metaphor I can use would be like when you find old batteries that leaked, and it looks radioactive and dangerous to the touch. I was literally experiencing both mental and physiological symptoms due to high amounts of screen time. Especially in the social media realm. So again, how much is too much?

Warning signs of too much screen time:

  • Constant mood fluctuations regarding what you are seeing/ reading online
  • Aggravation/ irritability
  • Sleep deprivation
  • Dry eyes/ headaches
  • Lost sense of time/ reality
  • Feeling/ anxious and/ or desperate when the screen isn’t in front of you
  • Neglect toward self and/ or others
  • Isolation/ loneliness
  • Decreased self-esteem due to increase in comparisons
  • Consistently falling behind on major activities and chores (procrastination)
  • Confusion, identity crisis, lost sense of purpose/ reality
  • Financial stress (due to possible influx of online purchasing)

     I really want to silence the world again, but admittedly, it’s extremely hard. The screen can pull us in like a vacuum to a carpet. It calls, it beckons, it’s an extreme force. So, like a very realistic and practical thinker (like I like to believe I am), I created a reasonable and attainable goal: No social Media on Wednesdays.  Today is my first Wednesday. Only phone call, text and email are allowed… because, I’m not a cave woman!  I’m roughly halfway through the day and already experiencing withdrawals. (anxiousness and restlessness) The good news? I hear silence, if that makes sense. My mind is at a standstill, I was able to get through so much work that I had been putting off. I’m filtering through my priority list and I’m able to write this blog. May this be one of many things that can help with long-term self-care and self-improvement.

RAGE

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 7-25-2020

“You can’t evaluate another person’s situation by looking at it through your world” -Terrence Coffie/ LMSW

          I would be considered, whatever the opposite of angry is. For the most part, people commonly told me I was one of the nicest people they had ever met. There were a few that knew me better, who warned me that one day I would snap and go crazy for ‘holding it all in’. I did not understand, because I did not hold or feel much anger at all. If it was not depression, it was anxiety, if not anxiety perhaps, self-loathing. Then there was a lot of embarrassment and shame sprinkled in, and minimally welcomed small bursts of joy. However, anger? Anger was not my downfall, I did not even know I possessed the capability of being angry at another person for long, let alone a slow burning rage that would wither away at my spirit and health.

     Anger behaviors were the first mental distress patterns that I took notice of, at the mere age of 6. Young children, angry, throwing things, getting paddled by teachers, and threatened at school. They fought back with a vengeance, with more cursing and back talk to each other and the teachers. I was so petrified of consequences that I could not fathom how these young children could be so angry that they would speak out loud in such a manner. What made them what they were, and what made me…me? (Timid, shy, scared, prudish, silent, secluded and so on.)  I wanted to know so badly, I just listened. I did not even judge them; I was purely fascinated and curious.

      The fight or flight response is very real. Rather, Fight, fly, freeze or dissociate. These are the four natural things our adrenaline and brains force us to do when faced with life threatening situations. These natural defense mechanisms, along with household modeling have a hell of a lot to do with how we behave when we feel threatened. Needless to say, the more threatening the environments and households we grow up in, the more our brains are forced to use the fight or flight reactions, which can and will take a toll on us in the long run. Though it is a powerful source of protection during petrifying moments, the stress hormones that are released accompanied by the brain going haywire can change up our chemical make-up.

     Before I turned six, I grew up being handed off to many strangers. Forcing me to never be able to establish a routine or trust in my environment. I was forced into freeze mode when strangers got close. I had the difficult task of evaluating what behaviors were acceptable for my new ‘guardian of the month’ while my mom went to hunt for more drugs.  My brother who was three years older had a different approach, his anger/ rage in full force. We cannot be angry around an angry person. I repeat, we cannot be angry around an angry person. It would be like gasoline to fire, this caused me to deal with everything in silence, with hopes to not make the situation worse than it already was.

     Through my mental health career, I found many more answers. It started to make sense, why some children resort to screaming back, while others run away. Then, why others must freeze and dissociate because there are literally no other options for them. My primary specialty in the world of mental health is trauma, but my secret specialty is anger. Often, trauma and anger go hand in hand, whether it be explosive anger or implosive anger. I have always had a knack for working with the angriest of clients. Why? They always told me I have this ‘calming presence’. Simply put, growing up with a drunk parent, an angry brother, and very tense households for most of my life, I had to radiate calmness. I could not fuel the rage. I took on a heavy responsibility and burden in doing so, without even realizing it.

     Anger management classes suck! Literally every person I have ever talked to, including my brother, reported that it made them angrier. I have sat in the classes, I’ve co facilitated them, I have taught anger management techniques to clients. These classes teach techniques, but never go into the root core of the issue. If someone is getting in fights on a weekly basis and exploding with homicidal tendencies and ballistic behaviors, techniques will not work yet. Also, they are angry about a hell of a lot more than what they are dealing with in their current situations. Anger is anger, it is a normal reaction to frustrating situations, but rage is entirely different. I often remind clients that anger is never wrong, it is just often misplaced and projected onto others at inappropriate times and/ or situations. Anger management tries to enforce that the client learns to ‘tame’ themselves and not hurt others, it does not focus on healing the underlying cause of said rage.

     If someone describes themselves as chronically angry where there is an extensive history of escalation, fighting and/ or legal issues, I am going to focus on getting down to the depths of that rage. I will go deep after the trust is built. The lines: “I’ve always been this way”, or “I just see red and then lose control” are not enough. Something, someone, or multiple people created this rage monster, and no one deserves to be chained down with that burden. I have come to observe that the more pain, loss of control, and helplessness we experience, the more rage we may build. Accompany this with a lack of outlets, and no justice toward those that hurt us, we will see the world in a different lens entirely. No one that can be trusted, no one that will help. The child must then build walls or become a difficult person, so that others may back the hell away.

     I have gotten to the depths of many people’s rage, even when it led to extreme tension in the session, passive aggressiveness. Unfortunately, it can chase people away at times, but they tend to come back. It is a hard topic, and we must not be pushy. We see a rageful person as a nuisance to society, a risk. Let us start asking, who hurt them? Abusive and/ or negligent parents? Bullies? Community violence? Assault? War? Other various trauma experiences? Then, why did they learn that anger was the safest and most appropriate defense mechanism to counter their triggers? Most importantly, can they gain the insight into this rage? Can they admit to themselves and others that they are in pain, and anger is the only way they have learned to express this? The anger did, once upon a time, serve a purpose, but what is it doing now? Possibly sabotaging progress, joy, relationships, and life goals. It is well worth exploring and addressing.

     I normalize anger, as it is an emotion, we are all capable of and need at times. It is perfectly acceptable and reasonable to be angry about the awful things that have happened to us. I allow ample amount of time for those that have been hurt to process their pain and admit to why they have carried this burdensome rage around with them. Then, we explore safer and healthier ways to live a functional life, free of that burden. We must accept that the world has hurt us, not necessarily forgive! Simply, acceptance. Then pursue our goals without the weight of our rage tying us down. If this means letting go of certain things: toxic spouses, toxic friends, toxic environments, and toxic drugs, so be it. We are not obligated to continuously expose ourselves to the lifestyles that hurt us and trigger our rage.

When the Movies got it Right

We may not be able to see mental sufferings or have the capacity to express them fully into words, but there were cases when the movies really did get it right. Lines and monologues in which we are left in aw of how an actor or actress spewed out a set of lines that we could relate to, to the depth of our core & soul.

     I have a bit of a writer’s block lately, as I have already covered quite a few topics in my blog. I decided to gain inspiration, once again, from the incredible movie quotes that signify emotional suffering, life lessons and mental anguish best. I hope you enjoy these as much as I do, and I recommend watching all of them!

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared.” – The Giver

“At the Temple there is a poem called ‘loss’ carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it.” -Arthur Golden/ Memoirs of a Geisha

“Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don’t turn it off! It wasn’t my war! You asked me, I didn’t ask you! And I did what I had to do to win, for somebody who wouldn’t let us win. Then I come back to the world and see all these maggots at the airport, protesting me, spitting, calling me a baby killer and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to protest me? Huh?! Who are they?! Unless they been me and been there and know what the hell they are yelling about!” -Rambo First blood

“You don’t know about real loss because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.” -Good Will Hunting

“I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.” -Girl Interrupted

“We who have seen war, will never stop seeing it. In the silence of the night, we will always hear the screams. So, this is our story, for we were soldiers once, and young.” -Joe Galloway, We were soldiers

“I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I’m empty! I have nothing!” -Silver Linings Playbook

“And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.” -Fight Club

“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t” -Joker

“The truth is I was tired way underneath my skin. I was tired where I couldn’t even see. I do not know how that happened. How I ended up like that. It all happened so fast.” -Rebecca wells, Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya sisterhood

“This is the job. These are the decisions. When to push them? When to back them? Worrying about your children is sanity, and being that sane…can drive you nuts. -Spanglish

“See, but that’s bullshit. That’s what everyone has been telling me since the beginning. ‘Oh, you’re gonna be ok’, and ‘oh, everything’s fine’, and like, its not. It makes it worse, that no one will ever come out and say like ‘Hey man, you’re going to die.’” -50/50

“I have to believe that when things are bad, you can change them.” -Cinderella Man

“We use words like honor, code and loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something, you use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it.” -A few Good Men

“You can’t come up with a formula to change the way you experience the world” -A Beautiful Mind

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world aint all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.” -Rocky Balboa

“Just because someone stumbles and loses their way, it doesn’t mean they’re lost forever. Sometimes we need a little help.” -Xmen: Days of future past

“When my body get’s tired, my mind says this is where winners are made. When my mind gets tired, my heart says this is where champions are made.” -Glory Road

“We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.” -The Breakfast Club

“You can break something in two seconds… but it can take forever to fix it, a lifetime, generations. That’s why we have to be careful on this earth, and gentle.” -Beatriz at Dinner

“The only true currency in this bankrupt world, is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” -Almost Famous

“It don’t take much strength to pull a trigger, but try and get up every morning day after day and work for a living. Let’s see him try that. Then we’ll see who the real tough guy is. The working man’s the tough guy.” -A Bronx Tale

“It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you’ve forgotten about.” -Lester Burnham, American Beauty

“Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it.” -American History X

“I saw my whole life as if I’d already lived it. An endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back. No one who cared… or even noticed.” -Titanic

“I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying.” -The Shawshank redemption

“All of life is an act of letting go. But what hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.” -Life of Pi

“How do you believe a crazy guy? That’s the beauty of it, isn’t it? Crazy people, they’re the perfect subjects. They talk, nobody listens.” -Shutter Island

“Maybe happiness is something we can only pursue. And maybe we can actually never have it, no matter what.” -Pursuit of Happiness

Living in a Nightmare

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 7-15-2020

“I often wonder, do they feel pain the same way I do? For the same reasons? And to the same extent? Or am I just crazy and alone in this? Maybe they are just good at hiding it too? Happiness is wanted from us all, it is easier than truth. What level of pain can I share, if I choose to share it? When am I a burden? I feel this need to ask because, there are just some things, that I simply cannot say out loud.” -EaE

Some people live in dreams, other people live in nightmares. For the longest time, it felt as if I was allergic to positivity. My brain could not get there, it could not access it. “Just be happy and positive” people always said. I felt as if maybe I hadn’t been trained to do that, my mind went dark fast. I was the “Emo” kid but without the black clothes & make up (I wasn’t allowed to).

What does a sad traumatized child do? They escape. They escape to something they think will be better than what they currently have, only to be immersed into another nightmare. Nightmares haunt and follow us like a dark cloud. Ever notice that those that have chaos, may have it no matter where they go? No matter what they do, darkness tends to follow?

We can escape toxic environments, we can escape toxic people. However, we cannot escape a toxic mind, we have to confront it. It’s terrifying and often feels hopeless. It’s hard to believe sometimes, that we may be genetically predisposed to harmful brain chemicals and/ or trained in mentally maladaptive patterns that sabotage our progress.

Living in a traumatized brain, a depressed brain, an anxious brain and/ or an enraged brain is 24/7 maintenance, it’s hard not to feel hopeless at times. If we cannot control our thoughts and sometimes our behaviors, what can we control? It’s the type of thing that causes kids, teens and young adults to stare at a screen, read, work, daydream, drug and/ or sleep for scary amounts of hours. The type of thing that pushes us to the point of severe escapism because anything is better than being alone with chronically toxic thoughts.

I once lived in a nightmare as a child and eventually lived in one as an adult. Currently even as life is more stable, I continue to have literal nightmares. My “dream” journal on my nightstand might as well be called nightmare book. I crossed out dream and replaced it with nightmare. Why lie? The majority of what is scribbled in that book involves storms, fights, flashbacks to personal trauma, murdering, getting killed, torture scenes etc.

Believe it or not this is more common than we like to imagine it is, and people like me walk alongside us everyday. In various professions, nationalities and so on. Also, in most cases, it won’t be obvious. It’s incredible how mentally ill people can suffer all day, but not in an obvious way so to speak. I trained myself well from a young age, as society doesn’t like sufferers. Society wants busy bodies and workers, and if there is suffering, it better be kept quiet.

I think an unusual thing about myself that only some mentally ill people can relate to is that I do not want communication to be what it is. I want to be able to discuss my nightmare the next morning without being looked at like I have 3 heads. I want to be able to discuss my eating disorder without someone trying to invalidate it. I want to be able to talk about my mothers drug addiction and neglect without people trying to quiet the conversation. I want to talk about my severe depression without being told “just be positive” because let’s be real, if it were that easy would therapists exist?

I want a world where we can talk about our nightmares just as easily as we can talk about the weather. Not in a chronic, loathing and victim mentality kind of way. But in a way where it isn’t stigmatized and people are willing to empathize, that yes, the world is tragic too. It isn’t just happy go lucky with rainbows in the air, but there are many storms. We need dialogue about the storms because maybe, just maybe, someone can relate and give some practical advice.

I want to know from another human being, how the hell did you manage to pull yourself through the chronic nightmares of the nights and days? Sometimes it gets hard and we all deserve to know how to weather these storms. However, if no one is talking about it, we may just feel crazy. Perception is NOT reality. I know this because I know how happy, courageous and motivated people always thought I was, but how miserable I really was in my own mind.

I was told by a colleague once (a highly seasoned clinical social worker) that I was the only person he had ever seen, come back from a war zone unaffected. Unchanged. Still my “happy” and “positive” self. My goodness, could I act! I was the only person I knew of, that found out that I had lost a parent over the phone via voicemail, and go on to do my entire work shift, and not tell anyone about it for months.

I was also abused, neglected and abandoned. I never told a soul for the longest of times. My mind was convinced that if I could live an outwardly appearing successful life, and never utter to another person of my pain and trauma, that perhaps it no longer existed. However, the nightmares do stay. Pain is truly apart of who some of us are, and it is unfair/ irrational that the world expects us to hide it. If I hide my pain then, there’s not much else to share unfortunately. Trauma and emotional pain is a large part of what I dealt with growing up, nothing will change that fact. If I were to pretend otherwise (like I had for so long) then I will not be a genuine, honest & sincere person. Unfortunately, when I do open up, sometimes it is viewed as “negativity”. Sharing trauma isn’t being negative though, it’s telling the scary truth.

I realize now, and I hope I can teach many others, that the nightmares become more horrendous when we live through them alone. An ill mind cannot correct itself with a template of horror and travesty. We need healing and we need something different. We do not deserve to live in a nightmare forever. Trauma is chronic and haunting, but what it can teach us is what we do NOT deserve in life. When things are painful, discard of them. When things bring joy, hold onto it. When we are being self destructive, learn to recognize it. For those of us that have lived nightmares, we must explore and discover dreams. It was inaccessible once upon a time, but I will always empower people to keep searching for their long lost dreams. Searching for hope and living in day dreams was literally all some of us had, once upon a time.

The Burden of Wanting

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 7-9-2020

“I am tormented, and not because of what I have been through, but because of what I have chosen to commit my life to.” -EaE

There is a device in our hands with a world of knowledge, but there is a world around us that we can choose to see for ourselves. What did we dream of before the new reality crept in. Before obligation, work, savings & retirement planning? What did we want before we were taught what to want? Did we realize that we were being steered in a dangerous direction?

What really changes as we get older? All I can really feel is that time is passing me up. I am terrified that I am not living. Fogged down and ‘zombified’ for a community to use my talent, while my spirit withers away.

How often do we find ourselves at the mercy of the clock, for the purpose of the paycheck, for the payment of those bills so that we may enjoy the things we were told we NEED to achieve pursuit of happiness. We also need the paycheck for the “drugs” that get us through those days, because they are rarely enjoyable days. (Yes you do it too, even if it’s caffeine, sugar or carbs, that’s self medicating.)

Unfortunately, by the time we realize we are roped into this cycle and buried underneath it’s burdensome weight, it is far too late to get out. Why? We are indebted, we made a deal with the consumer devil and we must pay the price for the mediocre luxury we bought into.

It’s always fun for a time, it never lasts. Humans may get older, but the habit of a toddler in regards to toys stays the same. Get the latest and greatest, play the shit out of it, discard. When we see another with the same toy, we go after it. Steal it, share it, or scream at someone to get one for us, some things don’t change.

To this day I am still very fascinated and horrified regarding how quickly a want turns into a perceived need. When a want becomes embedded into a persons daily routine, it is then perceived as a need. Humans get conditioned and then have no desire to go back. A life without pursuing those addicting wants would just feel deprived and meaningless.

Greed

The cycle of frequently fulfilling our wants can often get out of control. We then pass the thin line into greed, making it all the more difficult to dial the issue back. Greed- when we compulsively give into our wants. When we get things for the sake of having them vs the sake of using them.

One day, this is no longer fun. Just like the toys and games we played as toddlers, we outgrow things. But was the investment worth what we outgrew? What did we lose in the process of working ourselves to near stress death to buy the latest and “greatest”?Not just money, but time wise, what did we give up? Why was it worth the debt? As we are older and wiser, hopefully, we realize it. It was never originally, about things. It was about finding quality in our time here on Earth. We forgot to value the most important thing of all.

I sold myself to the consumer Devil at the age of 19. At the age of thirty, I am finally working my way to significantly less debt. Every painful credit card payment is a reminder of what I must change moving forward. A painful reminder of that young brain washed capitalist ‘crackhead’ that was shopping to self medicate because there was a void I just did not understand yet. I was being exploited off of this void and in complete denial about its existence.

Moving forward, I know what I need, and I want much less. More importantly, my wants changed to things of value. What is more important for us to work toward? What are things we can attain and do that can fulfill many voids while keeping us out of the burden of over wanting, greed and debt? It’s not a coincidence that minimalism, tiny homes and van life is becoming more mainstream. A new American Dream is coming to the forefront. Less is more, less means, more freedom.

Moral Codes

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 07-01-2020

“You do not know what you would do in a situation you have not been in. So spare people the ‘well I would do this’ line if you have not walked a day in their shoes” -EaE

There is one thing I have admittedly been a bit fed up with, and that is being accused of ‘drinking the Kool aid’, or ‘believing everything I read’ along with the rest of the population. If only, if only… it was that simple. See, on the contrary of the average human being on this planet, my primary sources of information come from clients, not news channels or sources. Real people, real stories, real traumas from firsthand accounts. If I get a little passionate about protecting my fellow humans, there’s a valid reason for it. Therapists rarely have the luxury of living in denial about why people do the things they do, and why the world and humanity is what it is. We do not get a sugar-coated version of what is really happening in the world, nor a bias perspective from a third party. We not only help victims and survivors, but perpetrators of crimes. We hear it all, and unlike the rest of the world we do not get to judge it and penalize it, we must find a way to connect with it instead. The good, the bad and the ugly.

     Mental health is never about finding excuses, or necessarily about finding someone else to blame, it is about finding reasons. Why do people do the things they do? To include committing some crimes. What are the biological, psychological, sociological and environmental factors that may contribute to a change in our moral codes? We must explore this, if we do not, who else will? If we as a population continue to stay uneducated on the biopsychosocial factors that contribute to a disruption of self or a ‘disruption of peace’, we only punish problems rather than fix them. We put band aids on stab wounds, we address symptoms vs exploring a root cause. Hence, we will continue to be ill informed and react in counterproductive ways.

     It is from my observation that people’s moral codes are ever changing. With times, with situations and with added stress/ toxicity. A human that is in a stable environment for a long period of time with a good support system and good routine may find that their moral codes feel “set in stone” and never changing. However, if we add any extreme circumstance to a person’s life, we may start to see a change in their moral code. This includes but is not limited to:  

  • Loss of home/ Job
  • Community violence/ war exposure
  • Chronic poverty
  • Trauma & extreme external triggers/ threats
  • Underlying Mental health conditions
  • Build up of chronic stress through external demands (work/ family/society etc.)

     Crime is not always a direct reflection on character, but sometimes rather, a consequence of extenuating circumstances. Sometimes it is about how far a person is willing to go to stay alive and/ or keep their families fed. Sometimes it’s chronic pain and suffering combined with an extreme lack of a support system and resources. We can punish the behaviors that come from a painful root cause, and we often do. Or, we can search for a more effective intervention such as social services, emotional support, social policy changes and mental health interventions.

     Unfortunately, I have grown to see that America as a society and as individuals are rarely focused on proactive and preventative measures. Rather we are a crisis response country. Meaning when the crisis finally hits, then we react in haste. Not before the crisis when there were warning signs, not even when seeing another group suffer, rather we only tend to react when it is a crisis for us. We as individuals and a society often allow things to fester and allow things to be covered up under the guise that we are ‘quite normal’ and ‘doing okay’. We are not okay, we are not normal, there is no normal so why pretend to be anyways? Sometimes it is hard for us to understand and accept an ill mind, ill family, ill community or an ill country. They exist, often in denial because a chaotic/ chronically stressful life as a norm… feels like… well, the norm.

We criminalize some people that truly deserve it, but unfortunately, we quite often criminalize good people who had strong morals. However, they may have fallen victim to chaotic situations with limited options. Mental health and healing can also work in reverse. We can consistently treat the underlying issue’s and restore the individuals and then in turn, the society. Stable people with quality lives tend to get restored in morals and behaviors. Protecting and treating our ‘victims of unfortunate circumstances’ and/ or oppression can create an enormous impact on community health. It can set a guideline on how quality we are as people, IF we all get to enjoy a quality life.

Neglected & Abandoned

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 6-26-2020

“When you are forced to find peace in chaos and suffering, you will be chaotic even in peace. You can take the human out of the nightmare, but the nightmare is still in them.” -EaE

One of the most not talked about privileges of the world is the luck of being born into a family that wants you and loves you.  It’s the expectation, and it’s the norm, but it is not concrete.  There will forever be some unfortunate children that fall through the cracks and barely get to experience an unconditional love and nurturance. The general public will not see or view emotional neglect as well as abandonment as a form of trauma, but that is exactly what it is. If a child is in distress and not receiving comfort from their external environment/ guardians, they will grow up perceiving the world as a stressful place of little/ to no support. If a child experiences one, if not more parents abandoning them, they will most likely personalize it. These traumas produce incredibly damaging ‘invisible wounds’ to the psyche, and unfortunately children and even teens do not have the ability to verbalize most of this emotional pain.

     For a neglected and/ or abandoned child, the confusion never stops. “I am being good and doing my best, yet my parent pulls away.” “Why do everyone else’s parents seem to love them, but mine hate me?” “Why are people mad or stressed with me for simply existing?” “Why am I going from place to place to place? Doesn’t anyone want to be with me or deal with me?” When a child personalizes any and all these questions, a self-hatred and a self-shame may develop. “Obviously if this keep’s happening, there is something wrong with me.”  

     I personally recall a time when a friendly adult told me, at the age of six, that I was beautiful. I absolutely did not believe it. My own mother dropped me and my brother off at least 10 different homes and/ or trailer parks so that she could escape and get her fix of methamphetamines and alcohol. I was not wanted or beautiful, rather consistently neglected and considered a nuisance to those that expected me to be gone in a day, vs days/ to weeks at a time because my mother went MIA. The only time she stuck around was when we lived with one of her boyfriends, but unfortunately that had its own risks too, hence me getting physically abused by one of them when she was MIA. My mere existence was a problem, it took me until the age of 20 to forgive my mother as she died on her death bed.

     However, “children bounce back” as they say. Children “are resilient”. The child does not seem to be bothered and impacted by this, they stay quiet, do what they are told and seem to “function” well. When they act up, it’s just a “child being a child”. “You can’t blame your past on your present situation.” Rest assured these statements are myths and often coming from an uneducated place. Because at the very core of a neglected/ abandoned child’s belief system, is a series of cognitions, symptoms and behaviors that will set them up for an enormous amount of pain and suffering in their adult life.

     Neglect symptoms, cognitions, and behavioral traits/ patterns:

  • Extreme lack of confidence & feelings of unworthiness
  • Loneliness & learning to isolate from a young age
  • Boredom & dissociation (often seen as head in the clouds or day dreaming)
  • Issue’s w/ attachment as the individual craves some much-needed attention or resists any/ all attachments because they cannot trust anymore
  • Feeling “less than” others
  • Anger/ rage toward those that ignore or dismiss them
  • A belief that they will ‘screw up’ any social interaction they have
  • The general and consistent wondering of “is life even worth living?”
  • Believing they will ‘always fail’
  • Difficulty with regulating any/ all emotions due to the consistent lack of a support system/ caregiver

    Abandonment symptoms, cognitions, and behavioral traits/ patterns:

  • Terrifying/ chronic belief that they will lose everyone they care about
  • Issue’s with attachment, sometimes to include toxic/ abusive partners (bad attention is better than another abandonment)
  • Personalizing & overreacting to any/ all comments or criticisms
  • A core belief that they deserve to suffer
  • A core belief that they are not worthy of love or good things
  • Clinging too tightly to the ones in their life that choose to stick around
  • Anger/ rage toward those that pull away or express frustration with them
  • Perfectionism so that others may learn to finally love/ appreciate them
  • Constant people pleasing due to a belief that if they help/ nurture others enough, that perhaps they will stay
  • Consistently getting used/ abused/ taken advantage of but unable to see it. (Because without a consistent guardian, there is no way of learning what healthy relationships look like)

    So, what does healthy look like?? A healthy upbringing where a child get’s consistent nurturing/ love from parents may look like:

  • An easier time regulating emotions and getting back to equilibrium
  • A healthy sense of boundaries and knowing that it is okay to say ‘no’ and stick up for themselves
  • A core belief that they are good and worthy of happiness
  • Self esteem and confidence, therefore more likely to engage in healthy risk taking
  • An enjoyment with social engagements, can socialize with relative ease
  • A healthy level of energy and concentration due to a healthy sense of safety/ secure attachment w/ those around them

    Learn the difference, know the difference. If you suffered from neglect and/ or abandonment know that it is not your fault for being born into a family that was not ready and/ or gave up on you. Get help, you deserve to experience a life of joy/ happiness even though you were not given one when you needed it most. Our most rapid stages of development happen in utero and then in the first seven years of our lives. These things take time to reverse, but as a clinician I can promise you, that you are not a lost cause. Those that suffer from childhood traumas have huge mental holes to climb out of, but they owe it to themselves to climb that climb.  Learn self-care despite the fact you were not taught it, learn self-love even though it wasn’t ingrained. These are the hurdles and disadvantages of an unwanted and/ or abandoned child.