Functionally Mental

Self-Care, all day, every day, like your life depends on it

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-17-2020

“The most important decision you will ever make, is whether or not you will continue hating yourself” -EaE

Let us be honest, life is kicking our asses, now more than ever. I am going to encourage everyone to do things differently. Unlike what our parents, family members, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and boss tell us, I often insist self-care be our number one priority. Above money, above work, above everyone and everything else we know. We need not only ‘remember self-care’ sometimes, but we need to practice it like our life depends on it. In a perfect world mental health, cultural sensitivity and self-care would be taught in public school. Unfortunately, we are taught how to stress ourselves out physically, mentally, and emotionally, but we are not taught how to counteract the pain that comes with this type of lifestyle. To be honest, if I had read this intro in my teens or young adulthood I would have laughed and rolled my eyes. Now is different, now I am thirty years old and have received a few mental health diagnoses, have dealt with plenty of burnout episodes, physical pain due to natural aging, and fantasizing about living off of the grid and hiding from adultlike responsibilities.

My norm in my teens and early twenties was to work, study and workout like my life depended on it. Any amount of space in my day was not acceptable. My new norm, now that I am a bit wiser is ‘self-care, all day, everyday like my life depends on it.’ Honestly, because it does depend on it. Some people may say that they do not have the time or luxury to practice self-care as they have jobs, kids, classes etc. However, that is exactly why we do need self-care! Jobs, classes, kids, chores etc. We do not thrive due to the amount of chronic stress we put ourselves through, we thrive when we do things that are good for our mental, physical, and spiritual health. Unfortunately, there are quite a few barriers that often lead us to constantly forget our self-care or neglect it completely.

Barriers to Self-Care:

Financial strain
Family demands
Work
Addictions
Toxic peers
Shame/ Self-Sabotage

This list loosely covers and encompasses the majority of what get’s in the way of daily self-care. Want a nap? No time, there’s work or kids. Want some time off? No, there is still a school assignment to finish. Want to have a nice vacation? Unfortunately, we may not be able to afford it. Want to get over an addiction? How else will we cope without a ‘medicine’ that has been proven to be one of the only things that gets us through the day?! How else can we handle the life demands and stressors without getting our ‘fix’ of (fill in the blank). Want to enjoy some time in solitude? Oh, but that friend who needs help and to get bailed out of a bind they created is soliciting our help, yet again. Want to have a good and fun joy filled day with no care in the world? No, we do not deserve it. We are not good enough and must do more to be ‘worthy’ of fun or time off.

To improve our self-care, we must identify the barriers, make modifications and/ or boundaries, and learn to reduce our shame so that we know we deserve better than the stress filled life we currently have. We also need to commit ourselves to daily self-care rituals so that we may have long term benefits. For example, one day of healthy eating will not counteract 364 days of unhealthy eating. One hour of time off may not be enough if we are constantly working/ juggling life demands. We may need to allow ourselves more breaks keeping in mind that breaks do not have to be expensive!

Sometimes self-care is met with an “I can’t” attitude as well as an “I have no choice” mentality/ stuck point. Which leads to my next new big life expression: “Something has got to give”. When I am overwhelmed from juggling too many things at once, instead of forcing myself to do it anyways, I now stop and say, “something has got to give”. What must I give up and for what? Okay, honestly, I can give up my clothes shopping habit if it means I can pay my bills better and stress less about not having a savings account! I can give up cable since streaming is cheaper and I am barely home anyways, it saves me more. I do not necessarily need a side job, because if I live more frugally, then I will not have to deal with the burden of an excessive workload. Yes, I can give up the next couple hours on social media and read a book, my eyes and mind could use a break from the screen and the anxiety/ anger provoking content. I am exhausted but the apartment is a mess. Well I guess maybe I am not cleaning it right away; I do not have to do everything all the time. I do not have to be perfect.

One thing to keep in mind is self-care requires our personal permission to give ourselves a break when times get hard. It requires us to remember to do something good for us, even in small increments. Sometimes I shadowbox or do laps around my office between therapy sessions. Even if we only have 3 minutes, we should be thinking self-care in that three-minute timeframe. Color, pushups, squats, walk, deep breath, meditate, call a friend, journal, take an ultra-power nap. Whatever our bodies/ minds tell us.

Are your days balanced?

(evaluate how many hours are spent in each category and use as your own personal reference)

Exercise/ Friends/ Outings/ Chores/ Errands/ screen time/ Sleep/ Family time/ Alone time/ Hygiene/ Intimacy/ Studying/ Labor/ Caregiving/ Consuming

A part of mental health is acknowledging the things we do or let others do, that hurt us. It is important that we are honest with ourselves without shame. We are all human and sometimes we sabotage our self-care for ‘the greater good’. To make it through long hard days, we have a responsibility and dire need to put ourselves first. Yes! Even parents, a child requires 110% and they cannot be taken care of with an adult that is at 50%. The purpose is to make improvements so that we may try to avoid a cycle of chronic misery and decomposing. Self-care, as often as we can, every day.

Tearing down Walls

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-13-2020

“Sometimes all it takes is one wrong saying, assumption or tone of voice, and that person may never want to open up to you again.” -EaE

My job, before therapy even starts, is to tear down emotional/ mental barriers. What are people protecting themselves from when they create these walls? It depends on who you ask, but in many cases there’s a vulnerability associated with emotional expression that many do not want to risk. Especially men, especially military men.

Six years working in military mental health meant going against a system that stigmatized emotions. It meant being a perceived threat to “stoic” men who as individuals, were taught and raised to believe its “weakness” to let down the walls. The more I gave therapy to men, admittingly, the deeper my empathy became for them. How lonely/hard it must be to not be able to cry even? No fear, no depression, no anxiety….? Deep down if they are human of course they felt these things, but no one could know. Anger and happiness was acceptable, but many other emotions forbidden. Accompany this with the constant pressure to provide for a family and always have their shit together, it’s no wonder they are always “ok”.

The other factor was that me, a woman, absolutely CANNOT know of or hear about these struggles they face. They absolutely do not want to talk about their emotions, erectile dysfunctions, strip club & prostitute addictions, and suicidal thoughts with a woman. Walls and barriers, more than ever. Met with rage if I asked the right questions … the ones that hit too deep and threatened the wall.

“Mental health is for crazy people”

“How will talking about it help? It just makes it feel worse”

“I’ll be fine”

“Other people have it worse”

“You wouldn’t understand, you’re just in the Air Force”

“You wouldn’t understand, you work in an office”

“You wouldn’t understand, you’re too young.”

“No offense, but women…..”

“Shouldn’t I talk about positive things since I’m in therapy?”

“What are you going to do for me? I’m still going to be in war when this session is over.”

“Nothing I say will fix this”

“I don’t need help, I was ordered to get help by my command”

A few other incredibly useful distraction/ avoidance techniques many clients might use include: heavy political discussion, humor, sports, gossiping about others and/ or saving/ rescuing others. The reality is I’ve seen and heard most of the tricks. From my experience some of the hardest people to break are military men especially in infantry and special forces. As well as anyone in a caregiver or first responder role, as those roles are full of people that are often saturated with survivors guilt/ savior complexes.

Techniques for tearing down walls:

⁃ Dont be pushy. Curiosity is okay, nosiness and pushiness is desperate and off putting.

⁃ Build trust and rapport

⁃ Be human

⁃ Be judgement free

⁃ Remind them you are their regardless of any “slip ups” relapses or episodes

⁃ We never say we understand. We truly dont!

⁃ Don’t pretend to have all the answers

⁃ Listen more, talk less

⁃ Don’t be phony. This includes being too touchy feely, or too robotic/ overly professional

Walls must get torn down before therapy can even begin to happen. Walls must be torn down before true friendships and relationships can happen as well. If someone is guarded, it’s important not to blame or rush them. Guardedness is not a coincidence. It’s taught and sometimes exacerbated with life traumas and betrayals and in turn, trust issues. It’s also socially pressured, especially in our men. After all, how can they be these strong, brave, independent individuals if they need help? Then, although modern day military encourages troops to seek mental health services, it still isn’t a “good look”. Unfortunately most walls will stay up to some extent while someone is still serving in the military, there’s just too much to risk when it comes to their reputation and career.

What we need to know:

⁃ Mental health is not a threat and walls are gently taken down at the pace a client is comfortable with

⁃ Emotions are a human response to our external and internal experiences and stressors. Ignoring them goes against human nature.

⁃ It’s not about forcing anyone to cry or have a breakdown. People can still have crying spells on their own time and use talk therapy for working toward solutions.

⁃ Processing/ sharing emotions can help us a) identify barriers b) solicit feedback c) self advocate d) obtain resources e) decrease mental and physiological symptoms

⁃ Everything society has taught us about denial & silence helping us “put things behind us”, was completely and undeniably inaccurate

Why silence/ suppression fail:

⁃ it’s impossible to get a third party perspective or any type of help with silence

⁃ Zero self advocacy means no additional resources

⁃ Silence creates an incredible amount of miscommunication which leads to more arguments and stress

⁃ Anyone who is silent is left to be the judge and jury of everything they have ever done or have thought about doing. (Suffering in isolation)

⁃ Silence leaves everyone that knows us ‘guessing’ what they think the issue/ solution is. They will likely be wrong if they have no info.

Worst case scenarios of suffering in silence post trauma/ griefs:

⁃ exacerbated mental illnesses

⁃ Substance abuse/ addiction

⁃ Rage build up

⁃ Legal issues

⁃ Occupational stress

⁃ Disconnect from peers, family & intimate relationships

⁃ Homicidal & suicidal ideation or attempts

If anyone finds themselves wanting to remove their walls but aren’t sure how, they wouldn’t be alone in that. It takes time, practice, patience, vulnerability and awkwardness. Opening up is whatever we want it to be, there are no rigid rules. Only willingness and execution are needed to progress in the skill of emotional expression. It’s important to note that holding back tears is just as unnatural as holding back a smile/ laughter. I challenge anyone reading this to try and do that the next time they find something funny. All emotions count.

“A man will kill someone before he will ever speak his pain.” -EaE

Eustress, I Stress, we all just need a little Stress

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-9-2020

“When I am absent of challenge, absent of purpose, then I do not really know what I am living and fighting for.”

Some people run from it; others thrive in it: stress. Some prefer comfort, sameness, routine while others need their day shaken up. Maybe an extra curve ball thrown in, an extra challenge. Stress does not always need to be viewed as such a bad thing; it depends on the type of stress. Eustress is known as ‘good stress’, big life events that cause both excitement and nervousness. This can include a promotion, a wedding, a pregnancy, preparing for a championship etc. “Bad stress” are those obnoxious things we would prefer not to have to do, but we must as adults: paying bills, putting up with a crappy boss, academic assignments, changing the baby’s diarrhea filled diaper, that painful exercise routine when we would rather be on the couch. Regardless of how hard we try, we will encounter stressor’s, it is an inevitable part of our human existence. Even the quote on quote ‘bad stress’ leads to positive outcomes such as a roof over our heads, a healthy family, and a healthier mental/physical health in the long run.

What is the best way to manage stress so that we accomplish what we want in life and do not burnout? I say, do not run from stress, but also, do not create unnecessary stress.

Do not Run from stress (Not even the ‘bad’ stress):

If something scares us a bit, but we genuinely want it, why not go for it?
If we have goals, we should not let stressful objectives stand in our way of achieving those goals. It is all a part of the process.
If we run from everything that causes any amount of stress, always remember we will accomplish nothing.
Accept stress as a part of our daily life. Train to keep a moderate pace through the stress, and not to shut down the moment stress hits.
Learn to appreciate delayed gratification. Life is not always about getting an award the moment we do something good, sometimes it takes years of good to accomplish something bigger.

Do Not Create Unnecessary Stress

Do not bite off more than we can chew, if anyone has a pattern of this it is best to see where it stems from: competitiveness, insecurities, mental health issues, lazy and/ or abusive partner, savior complex etc
Anxiety is a large determinant for making any situation more stressful. The top 2 unhealthy thought patterns that contribute to anxiety: Mind reading/ Future predicting. Neither are possible and yet we try often, which only fuels the stress.
Once we decide to commit, it is best to stay committed. Rescheduling and dealing with constant mind and date changes will not help.
Prepare! Procrastination is a sure way to increase stress and make us less likely to stick with our goals.
Practice self-love and self-care as much as possible. An unhealthy mind and body will make any task more stressful.

Find your Passion

When we find passion, we find that thing that is worth stressing over. We find something that is worth chasing, despite large amounts of mental and physical stressor’s it may cause. Some people report not knowing what they are passionate about, and this is a large part of why some people struggle with low motivation or a desire to do anything. Again, we have ‘bad stress’ and eustress, which is exhausting if there is absolutely no passion with what we are putting ourselves through. Anyone that has had something they were passionate about, that they lived for, breathed for, and almost died for, they will usually say that the pain/ stress did not matter. They needed that pain/ stress the way they needed water, food, air, and sleep. It may sound a bit morbid, but this is exactly what successful people have that keeps them going through hardships and mental breakdowns: passion for something beyond themselves. There is a goal, something to accomplish, something to live for. Idle time is not good for people, but some succumb to it when they cannot find joy/ passion in anything.

If we find ourselves absent of passion, it is likely we did not get the chance to explore it. This could be due to pressure from parents, peers, or occupational demands. Explore it, face the fear, face the stress and adversity, and have fun along the way. Sometimes we find we have multiple passions and therefore more activities worth stressing over. The longer we engage in the life stressor’s of doing the things we love most, the more we practice and embrace this way of life. We all need stress, both good and bad. The key is finding the things in our lives that are worth stressing over.

That Passion will create a Sense of Purpose

Yes, we need a sense of purpose to create our endurance through the roller coaster/ stressors that are life. Finding what we are passionate about can foster a sense of purpose, making all of life stressor’s more tolerable and worth doing. A sense of purpose leads us to continue with our self-care and endurance, so that we may live to continue down a path that we love, that gives our lives meanings. When people do not have a sense of purpose, they are more likely to be idle, sedentary, depressed, abusing drugs and/ or struggling with a low self-esteem.

If we find ourselves getting to this point, it is important that we do not give up hope. There is always a way to fight through stress and even mental illness. There is always a way to find something that is worth fighting for. When a client gets to a point where they have processed their pain and they are ready to rejoin society, it is an exciting time. We can brainstorm and find passion and purpose sometimes with the help of our therapists, peers, family members, coworkers, and/ or internet! Sometimes this journey includes abandoning something that was not worth stressing over and replacing it with something new that has promise.

Conclusion

If we are on this journey of finding our passion and sense of purpose, fighting through daily life stressors and there are some serious obstacles to our wellbeing, it is time to reconsider what we have prioritized in life. Unfortunately, people get in what we call “stuck points”, where they are miserably living life in the only way they feel they can. Sometimes it is obligation, guilt, abuse, or self-sabotage. Regardless of what it is, a good rule of thumb is that if we are chronically miserable, our life needs serious changes.

Accept some stress as a part of life, but do not create unnecessary stress. Find passion, find purpose, and eliminate/ filter out anything or anyone that stands in the way of that plan. We only have one life, and regardless of what our influencers and minds might believe, we are not bound to a lifetime fate of misery/ excruciating stress.

Social Media Culture & Harm Reduction

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-6-2020

With great technology comes great… not responsibility unfortunately. More like a large amount of people playing around with advanced technological gadgets and learning to develop a whole new set of social skills. The social skills of the virtual world are not be confused with the social skills we learn from our home environment and/ or our peers in school. No, this is something entirely different. One can also argue that it is deeper than just an ‘addiction’, rather a new culture: Social Media culture. A land with less rules, access to any/ all people from different walks of life, different areas around the globe. In addition, access to an incredibly large amount of information, validity to be determined…

To respect my goal for this blog, I will continue to dive deeper into this social media culture– The arts and other manifestations of human intellectual achievement regarded collectively. What are we collectively gathering and doing? Staying in touch, interacting, creating our own personal style and image through pictures and words, self-advocacy & other people advocacy, researching, judging, formulating new thoughts and opinions, creating jobs, exploiting others, preying on others, self-medicating boredom/ loneliness/grievances and/ or mental health conditions. I can guarantee I’m missing some things from my list, because there appears to be no limits to how far humanity can go with this highly innovated social culture.

As a social worker, I am realistic when it comes to people. People will absolutely continue to do things that are fun, helpful and entertaining to them. Social media is not going away. Neither the incredible things we get from it nor the horrendous things that stem from it. It stays, because humanity is no longer interested in a life without it, it’s cemented in. So instead of hyper focusing on abstinence, a method proven to have failed in both the efforts to reduce teen pregnancies and illicit drug use, let’s educate ourselves. Let’s talk about this new social media culture: the good, the bad and the ugly. My focus for the sake of our mental health, is to discuss where social media hurts us the most, and what we can do about it.

Expectation/ Reality Mismatch – Yes, most people have cell phones and social media. No this does not give us the right to expect that our peers, friends, coworkers answer our phone calls, texts, instant messenger’s, snap chats and or DM’s etc. All individuals still have a right to privacy and solitude if they so choose. On the other end, if someone find’s themselves highly anxious/ stressed due to constant demands from their family/ peers via the virtual world, they must take accountability for the sake of their mental health and implement some boundaries. Fortunately, boundaries are easy to make via the social media world vs a job or household setting. The phone device literally allows us to alter it accordingly! We have the power to shut off our phones in most cases. It isn’t “the chance of an emergency” that keeps us tied to our phones 24/7. Rather, it’s a heightened sense of obligation, responsibility and guilt. Unless someone is in the military, a doctor on call, or an emergency responder they are not the ones to be called in an emergency anyways. Many people may choose to obligate us or expect that we “are on call 24/7 since we have a phone”, but that does not change the simple fact that we have our freedom of will and can choose to not be on call 24/7 for friends, family and coworkers. The world can bleed us dry if we let it.

False sense of Reality – Unfortunately, we have a lot more to compare ourselves to in this virtual culture. There’s the woman with the hourglass figure and perfectly shaped large ass, and not a blemish in sight. There’s the guy with the incredible abs with all the time in the world to work out. There’s the mom who got abs just five days after she popped out her tenth baby. There’s the person who reported to have worked 80 hours a week but never looks tired and his apartment is always clean. There’s that incredibly perfect family with the perfect home and they are always smiling… wow, how are they always so happy? These “perfectionistic” social media posters can often jab at the insecurities of others. This is to be expected, we cannot change how “perfect” other’s want to appear online. We can’t even blame them! In most cases people in the above category may want to project positivity into the world. Or maybe, some of them do not want to show their vulnerabilities. Some may also feel insecure and in it for the likes/ comments and validation. Whatever the case, no one is perfect, no matter how perfect they appear online. Also remember that we do not post/ record ourselves all day everyday… the average person is not a Kardashian. Sometimes people project a false sense of reality, remembering this fact can help us alleviate some shame. If we are doing our best and trying to be good people, in most cases, that is enough.

Mind manipulation – We all get mind manipulated at some point. It happens to the best of us and sometimes it comes from a source we could have never imagined. I am not here to discuss any views or beliefs I have. I’m here to remind us all, how vulnerable we truly are when we are online absorbing information. Whether we are five years old or 100 years old, we can be manipulated, easily. Filtering is necessary, and so is knowing that no matter how hard we try; we cannot filter everything out. Be on alert and cleanse when possible. Know that some people simply use social media to exploit or alter the views and/ or actions of others for a gain. Think about how often we may simply read a headline and upon reading it already have an emotional reaction even before we read the article? Think about how easily one can “push another’s buttons” in a virtual argument. Think about the key board warriors and the trolls who’s sense of purpose involves being a ‘cyberbully’ and crushing another person’s self-esteem/ confidence. Filtering and critical thinking skills is a must.

Miscommunication – “What did this person mean by this text? Why did they send it with an explanation point and in all caps? Are they mad? Are they yelling at me? I hate texting, call me instead. That person hates phone calls, so I guess we will never talk. Why did this person like 20 of my pictures at 3 am in the morning? She didn’t DM me back but then I see her on Facebook posting! Wow she must be ignoring me on purpose. I’m friends with them, but I saw a picture that they were hanging out without me! Why wasn’t I invited?” It’s silly, it’s juvenile, yet we are all guilty of it. The virtual social culture enhances miscommunication. Many report frustration and anxiety over the abundance of communication outlets. Many more are confused as they try to decipher a person’s social media behaviors in their own mind with their own perceptions. We must find our way through this miscommunication, learn to clear up our confusion. In some cases, we may find that our virtual world does not fit in with another person’s virtual world. Maybe when the organic connection is severed, there is no connection left. Sometimes we grieve a loss of friendship when we switch to a strictly social media culture.

Flakiness/ Letdowns- It has been researched and proven that people have become more flaky and fearful of commitment due to social media. We would assume that since we have all the connections possible to reach out to each other, that it would be opposite. We texted each other five days in a row with the same plans of meeting up on Friday, then Friday comes, and now my friend won’t answer and does not seem interested in hanging out. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, the popularity contests still exist in the social media culture. Maybe my home gathering/ party sounds fun to my friend… 2 weeks ago. However, in that two-week timeframe they learn about 10 other parties that sound a lot more appealing/ fun. Maybe that day comes and said friend would prefer to rest and is more exhausted than they could have predicted. Then, because of the convenience of clicking buttons, it is that much easier to cancel via instant messenger. It’s okay because “we aren’t standing up our friends”, we are simply cancelling or changing plans with a few clicks. There is absolutely such a thing as being a poor friend in social media culture. If we are repetitive in our flakiness and letdowns, we will slowly but surely grow more isolated and agoraphobic, as a nation.

Distraction/ Procrastination- Why in the world… with all the advanced communication networks, online shopping, Grubhubs and Seamless and Uber eats and more… we seem to be losing out on time? Rushing like we never had before. It feels as if there is never enough time in the day. The social media culture is highly addicting, and if we are not careful it can waste A LOT of our time. I’m talking waking up and Facebooking and IGing until 12 pm. I’m talking clicking our ways into destroying our time that was originally allotted for chores. When humans get sucked into something fun, addicting and better than what they have around them in the flesh, this is what tends to happen. Sometimes priorities change because of it. Unfortunately, there are some people that have gone as far as prioritizing their online game above their infant’s life which led to nutritional neglect/ death. This can sometimes become, a very serious issue. Again, social media isn’t going away and again, we cannot expect abstinence from it anymore than we can expect abstinence from fast food, coffee, alcohol, shopping, TV, gambling, crack and so on. Harm reduction is going to be the key here, balance is also going to be the key. Not everyone will become an addict and primarily, what most of us need in our lives is balance. Balance our social media culture with our organic life culture. Find whatever dosage we may be allotted to use so that we may thrive in our new lifestyles; virtual socializing as a PART of it. Key word, part. Not all.

Holistic Healing in Nature

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-4-2020

“And what is going to happen when it is all said and done…everything is gone now, and you forgot yourself?” -EaE

My experience in nature has dissipated over the years as I continue to reside in NYC. We must be careful, because before we know it, we may lose touch with nature all together. As this ‘Technological Revolution’ continues to advance/ progress and the 9-5 indoor work environment becomes more common, nature takes a back seat to what ‘we must do’ in order to survive in the modern workforce. I find myself getting more eye pain, more headaches, more sicknesses, more sluggish/ fatigued and more of a depressed hypersomniac than ever before.

Lucky for me I met a man 2 years ago (currently my fiancé) that has brought me back to an old love that I had completely forgotten about: nature walking. Most of my nature experiences involved living in the Mojave Desert and walking and/ or jogging up in the Mesa of Yucca Valley, CA exploring the peaceful mountainous terrain. I did not realize it at the time, but those walks/ runs probably saved me. I used to take for granted the beautiful Joshua Tree, an incredibly rare tree that has been filmed in quite a few movies and music videos. I was lucky enough to live with these trees, but my negative/ depressed teenage mind could not grasp my luck. Fast forward to present day, I have followed my fiancé’s path in forest hiking. I must admit it has humbled me in a way that I had not anticipated, the Eastern ROCKY ASS Mountains have hurt me mentally and physically, but are also forcing me to become stronger and more tranquil/ at peace with my present situation.

If you, like me, have lost touch with nature I encourage you to get back in touch. As cliché as it sounds it is the most natural and holistic healing a human can partake in. What is more natural and human than walking up a mountain, gathering/ chopping wood, building a fire and cooking on top of the fire? Sleeping under the stars with many calming, yet scary, unidentified animal sounds? My greatest challenge was learning to be in the moment, my mind kept going over what ‘I need to do’ when I get back to ‘normal’ stressful unhealthy life. My mind kept crying over the pain and forgetting to explore my surroundings. I continue reminding myself to soak in the scene because before I know it, it is back to an office that gives me claustrophobia, a stressful job that does not allow time for self-care, fluorescent lights and computer screens that cause consistent headaches, and never-ending deadlines and productivity standards that produce shame in even the hardest of workers.

Nature, you almost kill me. However, like with many challenges, I find myself tormented but intrigued enough to keep going back for more. The reason it is so hard and torturous is because we have lost practice of living in our natural habitats. Before we know it, what becomes natural is everything that is not supposed to be natural: Dusty offices, sedentary days, 6 hours plus with screen time, fatigue and in turn a lack of hobbies. Ironically, the more sedentary we are, the more tired we become. A vicious cycle of sitting around, draining our minds, and exhaustion from the two leading to more sitting around, and draining our minds. As many probably know, this is not a wholesome or balanced life. From my short life experiences with nature so far, these are my findings.

Desert: The sunny arid heat. Incredibly powerful and scorching in a way that kept me on my toes. A sun so powerful that it dried sweat the moment it came out of my body, leaving me unable to detect how dehydrated I really was. Killing my relatives that traveled from Ohio, so eager to explore yet so not adapted to the heat, the bright sun, and the bright sand that reflected sunlight. The myth was that there was no wildlife in the desert, but my walks proved otherwise: snakes, lizards, owls, vultures, coyotes, bobcats, tortoises, cotton tail’s, jack rabbits, scorpions, tarantulas, roadrunners and more. It is such a harsh environment, many of my neighbors chose to isolate indoors with their swamp coolers running while I scraped up weeds with the Hula ho, raked sand and scooped up the dog shit. (outdoor chores assigned by the parents) I allowed my skin to soak in the sun while wearing my tanning lotion, singing along with my cassette Walkman. (Remember those?!) That was my adversity, yard work chores for hours in the middle of 100-120-degree days. Walks and runs for hours middays to evening timeframes (I ran cross country and weekends were not meant for time off). My fun was dirt clod wars with my older brother. Yes, this meant wearing crappy clothes and throwing dirt clods at each other, literally. My peace/ serenity was the sunset’s: colors of orange, yellow, purple, blue shades as the sun fell behind the desert mountains. This is when the weather felt PERFECT. There is no weather quite like the desert when the sun goes down and the breeze hits right. Lastly, the stars. The type of stars that a city person could never even imagine or dream of. Every night if we sat out long enough, we could see multiple shooting stars, identify the big/ little dipper, northern star and so on. The desert brings confidence, patience and perseverance. Even in scorched land we can maintain a semblance of life.

Ocean: I had always dreamed of living on the beach and got the opportunity at the age of 24 when I first lived in NYC in the Rockaway Beach area of Queens. In the first week of living there I fell on my knees in the sand, stared at the water and could not believe my life. A place so beautiful, peaceful, calming and soothing and yet, we spend our days indoors frying our brains with screens instead. I cried. The world is so much bigger than us and staring out into an ‘endless’ ocean reminded me of this. Try going to the ocean when it is a bit cold out, those days where no one is there except you. The days when the sky is grey and the waves are strong, and we may get reminded of how short life is, and how much time we waste. Walk alongside the beach, run alongside it. Collect the seashells, feel the water on the toes. Dig the feet into the sand, bury the body into the sand, swim into the ocean even though it is scary and cold. I swear a crab pinched my toe and kept me terrified and phobic for a good six months, but I sucked it up and went back in eventually. Saltwater punching me in the face with a trick follow up wave. This always left me coughing with sea salt pouring out of my mouth and nose, but I learned to go back in for more. My father used to call me a mermaid when he saw me swim. I was not a fast swimmer, but a calm one. Powerful water teaches us to remain calm and go with the wave’s vs resist them. We must move with the current and know that we will never be as powerful as a great body of water. The ocean teaches us calmness, serenity and letting go of what is out of our control. Sometimes in life, we must ride with the waves.

Forest: So deceitfully beautiful and calm, but so torturous to walk and climb through. As stated above the forest has been my present-day challenge, I underestimated its power. My mind get’s panicked, my feet go raw, my confidence destroyed. I trip, fall, slip, give up, go back and try for more. But all I see is nature, not a man-made thing in sight. All I breath in is fresh air, no more city fumes clogging my lungs. I run into the occasional animal before they turn and run to hide/ blend with their habitat: deer, wild turkeys, birds, chipmunks. I challenge myself to chop a few pieces of wood, and then humbly return the hatchet back to my fiancé when my fragile wrists burnout. My part of helping with the fire is searching for white bark, birch and twigs. Tents? Forget about it! Thank you, childhood and military, because I can pitch up a tent fast and roll up a sleeping bag tightly no problem. At some point I always go off by myself. I go where my eyes take me. Whatever looks appealing we must go to, follow our guts and see what we want to see. There are no boundaries, arrows, strict rules, or obvious paths. Instead we go with instinct and intuition on a forest exploration walk. What catches my interest is where I go, I stop, look, let it sink in and find a new visually appealing ‘marker’ to walk toward. Then, in the evenings, it is time to light the fire. Sit near the fire, let the heat hit your face. Stare into the fire, look at the flames naturally do what they do. Be as lazy as you deserve to be at this point, for you have had a long day of hiking, building, gathering, chopping and so on. The forest teaches us peace, strength and endurance. We get to where we are going but only if we have it in us to accept the hard journey forward.

My challenge to everyone: Get your ass back into a true nature setting when timing allows and let me know your feelings/ thoughts. Happy Healing!

Unsolicited Advice

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-1-2020

“Of course you are an expert in your own eyes, you have gotten this far and survived. But try to keep in mind, that the person across from you, that you feel is so blind… survived a different set of circumstances. They have lived a separate life.” -EaE

‘The average person gives awful advice’. This is yet another common line I tell clients and friends. Many people express being pulled and jerked with a large amount of unsolicited advice. Many get confused as half of their family and peers tell them to go left, while the other half might just steer them to go right. Why do many people offer unsolicited advice? Why do many people give awful advice and how can we let it roll off our shoulders so that it does not cloud our judgement and raise our blood pressure?

People often love to hear themselves talk about things they think they know. Sure enough if I express that I’m “in a bind” regarding any topic, the listener will identify something in their memory bank that is “just like” what I’m going through. Then they will excitedly have the “perfect” solution as they have “been there”. What does advice giving do for someone? They can look at the topic and ‘relate’ it with a memory from their life, making it about them. They can Increase their confidence by feeling that they have an answer for someone in need. Having an answer for something instills a sense of control and comfort.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a perfect solution for everything all the time. The average person gives pretty awful advice because they neglect that fact. How many times have we been in a situation where there was no clear answer right away? However, everyone and their mother and cousin twice removed kept giving us that same empty and useless advice.

“You have depression? Just be positive!”

“You have issues with weight? Just eat less and exercise more.”

“You don’t get along with your husband / wife? Just get a divorce.”

“You can’t decide between two jobs? Take the one that pays more.”

“You have an addiction? Just stop using drugs”

“You don’t make enough money? Just go to college and then you will get a degree and make more.”

“If I were you, I would do ___________”

The other reason why many people give awful advice? They are expressing what ‘they would do’ in the other persons shoes. However, they will NEVER be, in the other persons shoes. Quite honestly if the solution to our issues were that easy, I would be out of the job. Mental health therapy would be nonexistent and humanity would thrive in a world full of perfectionist robotic humans that always do the ‘obvious’ and ‘sensical’ thing.

We all have a logical side to us that wants to be calculated and careful, but then we have a pleasure seeking side that is in constant conflict. As we make our choices it is quite normal to even start asking for advice… proceed carefully! Many people express that after they ask multiple people for advice they feel even more confused afterwards.

Many people have differing opinions, views, values, perceptions and so on. There is an endless supply of tips you may receive from a wide variety of people from diverse backgrounds. What can help filter out the awful advice from the descent advice?

⁃ Apply your question to a person that is proficient in the topic you have a question about. For example, if you have a question about real estate, it makes more sense to ask someone you know in real estate. I wouldn’t ask my cousin who has never moved out of her mothers house about when and how I should go about homeownership!

⁃ Take note of the people in your life that tend to vomit out the mouth with solutions and answers ALL… THE… TIME. Don’t listen to those ones! It may not be wisdom they possess, rather arrogance.

⁃ If you believe you know the answer to something already, down to your gut and core… refrain from soliciting advice! You would be surprised how often people get talked out of what is good for them because of third party doubts, insecurities, anxiety and/ or envy.

It is still true that there is no one that will look out for us the way we look out for ourselves. It is important to be mindful in our journeys and choose our mentors wisely. Along the way, when there are those that insist on giving unsolicited and awful advice, it is quite easy to smile and nod.

FunctionallyMental Q&A Blog # 1

Elisa A Escalante / LMSW/ 4-29-2020

Q- Could you discuss athletics and mental health? Especially at the Olympic level.

A- A wonderful question and concern. It’s important to discuss the immense amount of pressure an athlete endures as well as the fact that they are pushing themselves through harsh mental and physical feats. Also, it is not uncommon for mentally ill people to be attracted to sports since it is a well-known coping mechanism/ outlet. This isn’t to say every athlete is mentally ill, and not all mentally ill people want to work out! However, it is possible that someone become addicted to working out. It is possible that some are using their fitness activity to try and ‘erase’ or ‘reverse’ their mental illness. It is also possible, that a healthy minded person was pushed/ pressured so bad in the athletic realm, that their mental health suffered in turn. Human’s need exercise, but as many know by now, to be an athlete means to exercise in an excessive manner that is not actually ‘natural’ for the average person. This isn’t a judgement on my end, more so something I’ve learned through clinical and personal experience. I’ve been physically fit since the age of 15: Cross country, track and field, aerobics, weightlifting, belly dance, CrossFit, powerlifting and now Mixed martial arts. Participating in sports is what held me together through major depression for the past 15 years. Even though sports can help counter mental illness, it can also exacerbate it if it is not used properly. You know how we always say, ‘there is such a thing as using too much of anything.’ Same goes with exercise and social pressures. Athletes are pushing themselves beyond what most humans can take, and then they are suffering through the evil magnifying glass that society creates to project insecurities onto them. Athletes, like celebrities and politicians form together as the countries top 3 “Scapegoats”. Then to think, I’ve only ever been an amateur athlete and competitor and I’ve experienced immense anxiety, fear and crying spells over it; then I try to imagine what it must be like at an Olympic level?! I simply can’t. The Olympics comes once every 4 years and there is no real pay or incentive to want to go for it. Economically speaking, it is absolutely an impractical decision to want to become an Olympian. Yet, there are these incredible humans pushing past all their adversities, possible mental health issue’s and off the wall life distractions and experiences, and they are GOING for it. They go for it for themselves but also knowing a part of the job is to entertain us. They are our entertainment, and we pay for them and cherish them, why do we pressure and hate on them too? It’s a part of a psychological game we play when we seek joy in watching other’s under immense pressure and when we enjoy being that person in that adrenaline junky state. Even I can’t explain it deeply enough, even I enjoy watching two people get into a cage and beat each other up! I also enjoy training in grappling and striking sports. If we want to know more about mental health linked to athletics, think deeper about why we do sports, why we love sports and why we sometimes get addicted to sports.

Q- What should I do if my friend is suicidal?

A- First and foremost, it is important to recognize that with great relationships, comes great responsibility. Or rather, ‘a heightened sense of responsibility’. Remember, even if someone confides to you that they feel suicidal, it does not suddenly make you a therapist, cop, judge, jury, expert of any kind. You are still their family member, coworker, and/ or friend. Act accordingly. Listen. More listening, less talking. If you are afraid you might “say the wrong thing”, don’t say anything. Just listen and be the comfort that you are and offer help. Help should most likely be you gently persuading them to seek professional help. The second question then becomes “But what if they refuse to get help and keep talking about killing themselves?” When the warning signs become obvious and scary, and a person still refuses treatment, that’s when it’s time to call 911. What can they do? Cops can do a welfare check and escort the person to emergency psychiatric services for a suicide assessment/ welfare check & possible hospital admittance. Many are scared to do this because they fear causing their friends or family members to be angry or lose trust. However, many would agree that this risk might just be worth it in order to help your suicidal family member or friend get the help they need and work toward a more stable mental state. This is absolutely all that is in our control. Be careful not to lose sight of freedom of will. Every person I have ever talked to has someone that they care about that needs help but won’t get help. This is very common and ultimately everyone’s mental health is their own responsibility. People tend to take long periods of time in contemplation as they decide on whether they want to continue their sufferings as is. But again, in the case of a suicidal crisis, there is always 911.

Q- Why do generational gaps cause so much friction, especially now a days

A- As easy as it can be to put a person in the category of their generational era and label and stereotype them accordingly, it’s best that we mind our bias and perception of others. Are their themes? Absolutely. As of current there are ways in which we have similarities amongst our peers but we as individuals may also find ourselves relating to people of other eras. Why is the friction and tension on the rise? Perhaps because it is more noticeable and easier to talk about than ever before. Technological advances have made it possible for humans to argue across a wide variety of platforms. We now have more research studies, more knowledge and education than ever before. Unfortunately, as abundant as information is, it’s also very difficult to decipher through. Even with ‘evidenced based research’, people may still interpret what they read differently. I for one, love to study up on generational values and norms. It’s important to know that if someone has specific values and norms, there is a reason for it. We are in large part, a product of our environments: community, household, peers. If you find yourself constantly disagreeing with those of a different era, it may be because you were raised during a different timeframe than them. Humans must adapt and change to what is surrounding them, hence a child that has been raised through a depression may differ drastically from a child that was raised during a booming economy. A child raised during a time trauma silencing was encouraged vs children being encouraged to speak on trauma and mental illness may differ drastically. A generation that tends to leave home at the average age of 18 will differ from a generation that lives at home on average until they are 25. Children growing up in a society that is struggling with war conflicts differ from children being raised during peacetime.

I will be doing anonymous Q&A blogs quarterly. Let me know if you would ever like to contribute a question related to mental health or social issues

My Slice of “The BIG Apple” Pie

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 4-26-2020

“In NEW YOOOOOOOORRRRKKK! Concrete Jungle Where Dreams are MADE Of! There’s nothing you can’t DO!!!” Okay I will admit I screamed these lyrics singing along with Alicia Keys quite a bit when I arrived in New York city. I also recalled my many times watching reruns of ‘Friends’, ‘Seinfeld’, and ‘Sex and the City’ as if that were somehow supposed to prep me for the big move. I was to live in Rockaway Beach and attend NYU Silver School of social work. I was young (just 24 at the time), I was done with the military and I was ready to live a stimulating, exciting life vs the monotony and excruciating boredom that I was subjected to living in small towns in the states of Arizona, Texas and California throughout the course of my childhood. Many were surprised as they thought that the Air force would have given me the opportunity to spice things up. No such luck there, I was stationed in Texas for six years, my one and only big trip was an all-expense paid vacation to Afghanistan, but I will save that for another blog post.

The culture shock was extreme, and I found myself getting many slices of “BIG apple Humble Pie!” Now, I could go into an endless series of paragraphs, but I felt that maybe it would be more fun to compile a list of in-depth culture/ mental/ emotional shocks as well as embarrassing anecdotes:

People in NYC literally just… say exactly what they are thinking– Yes, I got made fun of quite a bit for my shyness, awkwardness and my lack of ability to take a joke or even understand the blunt humor that comes with living in a city. Some people looked at me like I had two heads due to the fact that I would not laugh after they ‘insulted’ me, rather I would walk away and avoid the confrontation as my southern roots had taught me. A line I was known to say early on in my move: “Oh my goodness why would you curse out a friend like that??” I have since learned that making fun of friends and cursing them out is often associated with caring and many of the ‘insults’ are considered terms of endearment. (5.5 years later I crack jokes on my friends and fiancé nonstop!)
New Yorkers are the politest assholes you will ever meet- If you have lived in a rural or suburb area for most of your life, chances are you either heard about New Yorkers or came across them. The reputation is that they are rude assholes. On the contrary, I would say I have come to learn that they have a different moral code and different set of values vs someone from a small town or rural area. Values and morals get shaped by where we live, and in the inner city you must learn to be polite and respect people’s space. They are literally living on top of each other. So, in turn what you will often see are polite people who try their best not to ‘cross’ someone else, but if they get crossed or taken advantage of you can rest assured they WILL let it be known and often with a loud/ blunt tone so that they can get their voice heard and have their needs tended to. Unfortunately, when I was new to the city people often mistook my slow southern inattentiveness with being ‘rude’, complacent or not giving a shit about others. In my defense, I was not used to competing with people when it came to space, pace, resources etc.
The lifestyle is so fast paced it will run up your blood pressure and wear down your shoes- From the beginning of your day to the very end it feels like being an energizer bunny, but without the energy. There will be long commutes in trains and/ or buses, packed into public transport like being in a can of sardines. Most likely there will be a look, a bump, a person mad or screaming about personal space. This is just the commute, before the school and/ or workday has even started. My cheap Walmart and Payless shoes were not surviving the long walks to and from the train either. I had to step it up on the shoe and coat game and get quality items that could endure the fast pace and the COLD weather. Some people laughed at me and told me I dressed like a Russian all year round with my puffer coats and snow boots. I also get sick 3 times a winter now, even six winters in! I equate this with high stress, lower immunity due to stress, frequent weather changes and so many people.
It is somehow, even MORE expensive than they tell you- Financially speaking I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I understood that rent would be high. What I did not understand was high taxes, high car insurance, my car getting ticketed for any and every reason imaginable: parking in a bus lane (oops!), running red lights (I beg to differ… okay maybe), speeding (barely), overdue state inspection, not moving the car for street sweeping, 5 popped tires in the first 1.5 years due to raggedy rundown roads and Tolls, tolls, tolls! Depending on where you live (I have lived in 5 apartments so far between Rockaway Beach and Brooklyn) you may not have the option for laundry so that becomes an added expense. I also had no idea NYU would raise the tuition every… single… year. Every restaurant you go to will be pricier vs your suburb/ rural counterparts, every movie you go to will be pricier too.
Everyone else in the world will start to believe you live ‘lavishly’- To follow up on the above paragraph, the irony is that although I suffered blowing through my savings and racking up a ton of debt, everyone else in the country accuses New Yorkers of living lavishly in their city lifestyles. Quite the contrary, I have come to realize that NYC is so expensive, you must learn to make hard choices, become more frugal, cut back, sacrifice outings, sacrifice space and learn to be more of a minimalist. Between my five moves, I have ditched more and more items. I have less than half the amount of clothes I used to, less shoes (closet space is a luxury), I RARELY go out to eat, the old apartment buildings force you to deal with critters you may have never seen before and the neighbors will always kindly remind you how much of an asshole you are and they are.
Never tell people you have a car and… do not have a car! – What do people in NYC really love? A nice, sweet, southern pushover girl that has a car and has no clue how tell people no. I gave way too many rides to too many people. And trust me, they do not all offer to pay the tolls or gas. They are often so sick and tired of taking public transportation a ride in a car is an absolute luxury. Especially if they are not paying 50-80 dollars for a taxi or Uber! If Paragraph number 4 did not teach you enough about my car expenses, let this one! A car is not worth it! Unfortunately, I had to have one. I had switched over to the Air Force reserves and had to go do weekend military drills once a month in Massachusetts, I needed my car. And now? My fiancé needs a car as he owns a contracting businesses/ requires a trunk to carry tools. However, if you are not in a situation like that, a car is not worth it! Mine costs us roughly 750 a month. (And that is not including those tickets!)
Live in the borough you work in! – There are many reason’s I have lived in 5 different apartments in my first 5.5 years of living in NYC, I am not going to get into that right now, but one huge thing I decided was I needed to live in the borough I work in. Why? Time is precious. My first few years in NYC consisted of me spending close to 3 hours a day on commuting alone! Many will justify this by saying the borough they live in is ‘cheaper’ therefore it is worth it. Listen, time is money too. If possible, shorten your commute as much as you can so that you free up time for a side job, or for your own personal sanity/ self-care!
Okay, the food really is better- I recall all the times I was stationed in TX and someone from the upper east region of the country would get stationed in my ‘hometown’ and talk trash about how much ‘Texas food sucks’. I would get defensive back then, ‘like what, why?’ Who doesn’t like fried shit that’s been soaked in fat?! Hands down and hats off to you NYC, the food here is amazing, much better quality overall. If it weren’t for you NYC, I would have never experienced authentic Latin food or Halal! However, I miss my BBQ and Tex-Mex!
This city alone smokes more weed than perhaps the entire state of California- I mean, it’s the neighbors, it’s your friends, it’s your lovers, it’s your in laws, it’s grandma and grandpa, it’s the clients, it’s the people on the streets around every block you turn. This entire city smells like weed and rotten cheeseburgers. Frankly, I’m surprised it’s not legal yet. In many cases Cali people are smoking for fun/ freedom. In NYC, they are smoking due to ‘stress’ and not wanting to ‘blow the fuck up on someone’.
The city has PTSD- As a mental health therapist that has specialized in trauma for most of my career, I have officially diagnosed NYC with Post traumatic Stress disorder. So many people, tensions are high, exposure to community violence or witnessing violent acts is practically inevitable, many people are forced to pack families into small households which creates a higher risk of domestic violence. Chances are if you are anywhere from poverty stricken to middle class, New York city is going to traumatize you to some extent. The rich seem to be a bit more immune to this exposure, as they live in those areas you see on Friends, Seinfeld and Sex and the City. That lifestyle is a rarity reserved for the rich and famous. The shows/ movies certainly do not give people a realistic idea of what the Big Apple life is like. Despite all of this, the city is safer than ever before. (Ask anyone that has grown up in NYC through the 80’s and 90’s). You will not necessarily get robbed or “shanked” as many of my southern friends/ family members were concerned would happen to me.

I hope everyone enjoys my Slice of the Big Apple Pie! I have Colorado on my radar next! (Maybe in a few years 😉)

‘Corona-Crazy’

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 4-24-2020

“Until you can appreciate other people’s opinions and perceptions, then you cannot say that you truly appreciate diversity in the human race.” -EaE

My formal education taught me to never use the term “crazy” as it is highly stigmatizing and does not represent an official diagnosis. I formally apologize, I just needed a catchy title. I have been avoiding writing on Covid-19, though I did start my blog in the midst of this pandemic/ national quarantine. I find myself, like many other times in my life, riding the waves and trying to keep the peace amongst the depressed, anxious and angry. I’ve been accused of being “too calm”, “not taking it seriously enough”, “too anxious”, “making myself sick” etc. I like everyone else, will be taking it day by day, week by week.

I am an essential employee, so I am tasked with the responsibility of continuing to deliver clinical care (via telehealth) to clients during this difficult time… in NYC of all places! Regardless of how close to home something hits or not, my empathy will always be there. I empathize toward those that have compromised immune systems and are quarantined until further notice. I empathize with those that are dying or have passed, with those that have lost a loved one. I empathize with the millions upon millions that have lost their jobs. I empathize with my fellow essential employees that are working harder than ever before with no extra pay or incentives. I empathize with the parents trying to balance everything in their life as well as their child’s education/ academic successes. I empathize for those that are in domestic violent relationships and struggling more than ever to survive.

Who am I ashamed of? Quite honestly anyone who is trying to exploit this opportunity for their own personal gain and taking advantage of the fear of other’s, you know who you are. I am also ashamed of anyone who has harmed another human being that did not deserve to be harmed, again you know who you are.

My clients and friends come to me with many questions, a common one being why is everyone acting so…… erratic? “So Crazy?” Why don’t people follow rules? Why are people so terrified? Why is this such a big deal? Why don’t people see this as a big deal?! So many different opinions, perspectives, ‘evidences’ being written and thrown out at lightning speed. In my thirty years I have never seen my nation so “silently crippled” by what they are seeing on their screens. I would put a virus in with the term of “invisible wounds” that we also use to refer to mental illnesses and chronic pain conditions. Unseen yet, it can most certainly do tremendous and chronic damage and perhaps even kill.

My impression so far, this isn’t too far off from what I’ve seen when working as a mental health technician in a war zone. What we are seeing is anger, frustration, depression and perhaps fear of the unknown as well as a known danger/ killer. We are seeing many people whose lives have changed at a rapid pace and have been forced to lose their support systems and coping mechanisms. Accompanied with millions and millions of people’s defense mechanisms coming out. (Please when you get the opportunity to, thank a war Veteran, you are all now one step closer to understanding a part of what we went through in a war zone. Except our cyber connections are not quite as smooth when we are in another country!)

Some Psychological Defense mechanism examples during Corona:

Denial: This isn’t happening, nothing has changed. Everything is the same, live your life as usual and pretend this doesn’t exist.

Deflection: But what about obesity, and the flu? And car accidents and all the other things that kill many people? This isn’t the only dangerous thing there is.

Projection: This person isn’t doing what they should be doing, they are going to kill us. What’s wrong with you? Wear your masks and do what you need to do, otherwise you will kill.

Humor: Whelp, if I die, I die! Everyone looks crazy and hilarious wearing their protective gear as if that is going to save them.

Anticipation: We will die, we most likely are going to die. We must do everything humanly possible to prevent death at all costs. This is going to happen so we must buy X,Y,Z and what if that happens too?! Let’s prep!

Fantasy: This is all in God’s plan, this was meant to happen and there are many good things coming out of it, mother nature has spoken. I hope the world keeps changing for the better.

Rationalization: Well, I am young, healthy, I’m taking precautions and doing my best, I will most likely live. My friend just got the virus and he lived through it; many people are surviving.

Sublimation: I’m going to take precaution and play the part and appear to be cautious, we really should follow the rules. Always listen to the professionals and stop questioning it with paranoia.

Regression: I will quarantine and play it safe; I will not do much except for what is necessary. I will abandon work, productivity, coping mechanisms and everything of joy for the sake of staying alive.

My follow up answer is NO. One defense mechanism isn’t necessarily better than another. These are strange times therefore our psychological defenses are at an all time high, and we use what we are often conditioned to use. We use things that have worked for us in the past. We use defenses that we were taught by parents, peers and so on. NO, you are not wrong for using any one of these. You are not wrong for your feelings. You are not actually “crazy” for having a normal reaction to an extremely hard situation. My only kind reminder is to be mindful of your defense’s and how they may impact others. Be mindful of your defenses and how they may impact yourself. Be mindful that through hard times, it is great to strive toward finding support and being a support for others. Be mindful that we need empathy now, more than ever.

Sometimes our defense mechanisms, perceptions, opinions etc. are not going to sit well with another person. Sometimes we must pick our battles, sometimes we must step away from the screens and search for joy again in a time that’s so hard. Do not expect that you can change someone’s hard wired psychological defense mechanism anymore than they can change yours. Everyone is coping in a different way regardless of whether it is “best for them in the long run”. Sometimes we try so hard to help or educate others that we hurt/ lose them in the process instead. Sometimes we fight so hard to “correct” everyone else’s actions that we lose a part of our sanity instead.

This is all that I will end up writing about this pandemic. For I am not a doctor, a viral expert, a politician, or a news reporter. I am a therapist. Take care everyone. And please check on me too! I have lost a client to this virus and fear losing another that is in the hospital as we speak.

Getting Rich is the “Cure”

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 4-19-2020

“It could have killed me, and it would have been okay, because in that moment I lived for me. In that moment, I felt a deep and terrifying passion. There is no place I would rather be… than in that moment. So, shoot me, and kill me, and let my last memory be, in that moment when I was happy” -EaE

I hope that everyone gets to that point when they question the ‘method to their madness’. Those compulsions that take us to scary levels because we want to be ‘okay’ or ‘normal’ or ‘cloud 9’ happy so badly, we may just literally die for it. We drive and drive all day every day to take, to have, to succeed, to feel pleasure and to get high off what? Fame? Power? Money? Love? Adrenaline? Take your pick and choose your poison because it is most certainly a wild ride. Why don’t we search for peace in the way that we search for quick money or fame? Why don’t we treat the ones we love as best as possible if love is a vital component to our social/ physical/ mental wellbeing? Why are we searching for happiness in all the wrong places? If anyone wants to know what the list of five above all have in common, it is that they are all addictive, especially if we use it to fill voids and distract us from painful memories. Just to be clear, love is not a bad thing to be open to, but it can be dangerous if we desperately search for it with no standards in regard to what we will not put up with in a partner. All the above, can be dangerous if we become addicted and lose sight on what truly makes us at peace.

Let us hyper focus on our flaws right about now but let us also look at it with the utmost unconditional self-acceptance. What has the world subjected us to? What did they (our society) condition us to believe we want most? Did we get it? Are we trying to fill voids now to make up for things we never got to have? Comparison can often be evil. In fact, I tell most people that the only useful thing about comparison’s is for the sake of sports, otherwise we use it to torment our souls. When comparing ourselves to others we often focus on a) justifying our actions b) self-pitying because we do not have what another person has c) magnifying our struggle above someone else’s d) minimizing our pain due to another person’s pain being perceivably greater than ours. We should compare as little as possible as the journey of our own wellbeing will be more than enough to focus on throughout the course of life.

I have been a ‘therapist’ since I was six years old, I often explain that the mental health profession chose me, not the other way around. I learned a long time ago through many kids/ teens sharing their deepest/ darkest secrets that life is “never what it seems”. Every person we see that perceivably lives “the good life” has a struggle we know nothing about. Take that ‘girl next door’ type with the good grades who smiles every day and helps others and one day we may see her dead from a drug overdose years later. Take who we thought was the happiest of all, and we see the headlines of them having successfully committed suicide mean while they “functioned” and made others laugh. All in all, when we accept that humanity is on a spectrum of mental, social, and spiritual battles it can serve two purposes. 1-We can stop with thinking we are in this all alone and 2- we can empathize more greatly with others.

Our society has standards, but the standards are not designed for happiness, they are designed for productivity and consumerism. Working to “own it all” will not make us happy. Working to have the big shiny things that everyone else has will not do it. Fighting to conform to the “rules” society places on us so that we may fit into this system will obviously, not make us happy. Yet often, we take the bait. I have been equally guilty! I am going to share a list of common lines that will most definitely set any of us up for disappointment:

I need to be (married/ have kids) by ___ years old
I need to have _____ amount of money
I should have done _____ by now
I need to have ____ amount of likes or follows
I need a big house, great car, and everything else I want right away
My fitness goal is to look just like ______________
I need to lose ____ lb.’s by _____ or else I’m ________
I failed if I (got a divorce, did not finish school, got fired etc.)
I must not fail, if I fail at this, I might as well stop trying

Almost every client, family member and friend I have ever had has used a line from the above list or something similar. The bottom line is, do not let the thousands of societal expectations trap you in a mindset of failure and the chronic feelings of shame. We get so immensely pressured into following a specific path that we lose sight of what we want. I can promise off my 11 years in the mental health field, that every person someone thinks that they want to be like, has their struggles too. You want to be married already with kids? Guess what? There are miserable married parents all over the country. You want to be rich? There are also miserable rich people. You want to look just like that professional athlete? Do you know their story and what it took for them to get there? Also are you willing to sacrifice everything else for that body? What do you really want? You! You without the expectations from everyone else, put a pin in their expectations and solely focus on you for a bit.

Many counter arguments include the fact that money may not buy happiness or be a “cure” per say but will certainly make life easier. Maybe cushier, maybe easier, but rich, famous celebrities (often a triple threat of money, fame, and power) are not necessarily happy. Again, money, fame and power are not happy. People around the world question why celebrities are killing themselves. Guess what? Those perceivably happy things that we are all pushing ourselves for and dreaming to get did not cure the many famous people that have killed themselves either by accidental overdose or a suicidal plan. It does not cure the many famous people that are struggling with their mental health as we speak.

To switch the perspective, think about why someone may push themselves the way they do. Why do the greatest most famous artists of all time play instruments and/ or sing to the point of having no life beyond it? Why did the greatest athletes of all-time train to the point of bodily sacrifice and no social life? Why do drug abusers continue abusing drug’s even when their body degrades and erodes from the inside out? Why does anyone get addicted to anything?

I am no expert, although I am a licensed therapist, I am still no expert! However, I have found that some of the happiest people are not necessarily the rich, famous, powerful or the ones with the best, most potent drugs. The happiest people seem to be the ones that are the most “balanced” in life. I strongly believe that achieving balance is one of the most crucial things a human can journey toward. Let us look at all the realms in which we may want to achieve balance:

Physical
Mental
Social
Spiritual (Not necessarily religion)
Financial
Professional

Whatever country you are in, what has it taught you to hyper focus on? I would venture to guess that many Americans have been taught to put most of their energy into the professional and financial realms to a point it cost them their physical, mental, social, and spiritual health. In turn, if we constantly neglect our mental and physical illnesses, it may cost us our professional development and our finances will suffer. Unfortunately, I have seen many people with severely damaged mental, physical, and social health, an extremely stressful high paced job, debt and “no end in sight”. They all want to quit their jobs at that point and cannot do it. Now freedom is no longer an option, as they became trapped and consumed in that “ideal” life they were brain washed to want.

In conclusion, we should not destroy our lives by following the rigidity of a standard set by people that truly DO NOT CARE ABOUT US, they care about the money we give them. We must take care of ourselves first. Sometimes that means NOT destroying our mental and social health so that we may have all the “things” we are “supposed” to have at a “certain age” that people decided to make up based off of their own opinions that were formed by the powers above them looking to exploit them for their money and all that they are worth. We will often find ourselves compulsively hunting after the famous five: Fame, Power, Money, Love, Adrenaline. No shame, it is not our fault, it has been embedded in many of us. However, raising our own self-awareness and having the ability to step back, self-reflect and redefine what happiness means to us can make all the difference in the world. One beautiful thing that social work and anthropological studies teaches us is that ‘nothing is universal’. Meaning there are way less rules than we think. Many people all over the world have found their incredible version of happiness, lifestyle, family, love, riches, memories and much more. Find yours while practicing as much balance as possible and have no shame in it!