Climbing the Mountain

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 9-29-2020

“I climbed a thousand mountains, and then that hill stopped me in my tracks” -EaE

     I talk to clients and friends about the circumstances that people are dealt, as well as the decisions we must make in our everyday lives. Unfortunately, some people are born in holes, and must fight their way to climb out. Others are born on flat grounds and will stroll and deal with the potholes and barriers that inevitably pop up. Then, there are some who are born on top of mountains. (The highly privileged) The top of the mountain is where many people want to be, but unlike the ones born on the mountains, the average poor to middle class individual must climb their way to the top. The disenfranchised have the most tasks: climb out of the hole, get through the stroll, get to the mountain and climb more. This is the fight that many may not be willing or able to make. One point is, we are often only as strong as our perceived ‘weakest link’, ‘weak’ in this case meaning underprivileged (so not actually weak but born into unfortunate circumstances). If we can throw ropes in the holes and assist them in climbing out, we have a moral responsibility to do so. Why? It’s never a child’s fault if they were born poor, neglected and/ or abused which can then rob them of the opportunity to climb out of said hole.

     However, the individual’s freedom of will is always there, climbing out of the hole will always be their individual choice alone. Someone can throw a rope or ladder to someone in a hole and they may neglect to climb it. Some people may be strolling and the moment they see a mountain, they turn and walk in the other direction. The average individual strolls, stumbles, trips, gets back up and attempts their way back into life at a steady pace. There are many that will try climbing the mountain, work themselves to exhaustion and decide to climb back down to join the comfort zone of the stroll, once again. Then, even the stroll can be tedious, boring and full of frustrating barriers. If people are anywhere from poor to middle class, they have deep holes and difficult mountains to climb if they want any chance at bringing themselves out of their current situation. This is a kind reminder that we cannot get anywhere without working for it, tediously, almost every day of our lives. I am also compelled to admit that sometimes people will continuously climb only to be overwhelmed by tumbling dirt and rocks which may push them back down to the bottom. (The unfortunate life circumstances that can/ will happen)

     I believe one of the best things I was taught by my beloved strict parents and through my military enlistment was to accept the miserable path toward success. Not maybe it will be miserable… it WILL be miserable. There is no avoiding it! They made it clear that avoiding misery was NOT an option, fatigue and misery will happen and I must adapt accordingly. Also, the reality that sometimes, hard work, will go completely unrewarded. These concepts helped me realize that we do not need instant gratification every day to keep up hard work. We need to work at our goals every day, and one day, delayed gratification may come. Sacrifices will include free time, relaxation, pleasures, friends, family time and more. So, the question is, are we ready to make this strenuous climb and sacrifice these things? Or would we prefer to stay in the hole or take the steady stroll? There is no wrong choice here, as there is a risk and hardship either way.

     Many times, I have worked with people to help them toward their goals, and the same lines often come up. “But I don’t want to do this.” “I don’t feel like doing this.” “I’m tired”. They are often confused as they see their role model humans in the spotlight appearing ‘happy’ with ‘all their shit together’. The reality is, no one has magical excess energy, or the ability to slow down time to accomplish these things. Pursuing success is not a permanently happy life. The journey is not always happy, the end result is not always happy. Pursuing success is a means to get ourselves into a more ‘comfortable’ position, but nothing about the journey is comfortable or comforting. It’s terribly hard, and many will give up and accept what they have as is. In most cases, we have been taught wrong regarding what chasing success really means, and what it will feel like. Chances are, if you know of someone that has worked hard for their success (not the ones that were born on mountains, but the ones that climbed the mountains) they are exhausted. I’m exhausted, while many will look at my messy hair, dark undereye circles with the mentality of “What’s wrong? Your life is good!” All the while negating the work it took me to get to this point. In addition, the work it will take me to stay here or keep climbing.

     Here’s what happens with mountain climbers… we climb halfway up a mountain and feel conflicted. We worked so hard to get halfway up, so we don’t want to climb down now, though we are exhausted and may feel tempted. We are also so tired we may not want to climb up anymore. We are stuck in limbo in this spot where less people are at. Many have chosen the stroll and we could not pull them or force them up the mountain with us, then there are those that were born at the top of the mountain looking down at us and laughing. In their minds they ‘earned’ it, and we climbers are less talented or less hard working than them. Climbing a mountain is a lonely and tedious journey that we may question everyday of our lives. Meanwhile, some may envy us if we are in the middle of the mountain and they are on flat grounds. They may not have seen our journey up and assume we got there effortlessly. Then there are those fighting their way out of the hole, they deserved better in life, they deserve help. We should help them IF we can afford to help them, as they have a much longer way to go than the average person and they are building up grit as tediously climb out the hole.

Another concept I learned from one of my favorite clinical supervisors is that every choice in life has risks. Staying in a hole has risks, keeping a stroll has risks, climbing a mountain has risks. For example, staying in a hole leads to depression, isolation, self-pity and overall misery. Staying with the stroll often means getting sedentary, complacent and envying those on the mountain that ‘you could have been’ had you been born ‘more privileged’. (The reality is being under privileged is always a factor, but it doesn’t negate the fact that we must climb) Then climbing the mountain means chronic exhaustion, frustrations, embarrassments (more spotlights are on you) etc. There is no way to live through life risk free, therefore I choose and also encourage many others to shoot for that mountain top. If someone does choose to stroll and they are happy with it, let’s be happy for them. However, if we choose to stroll through life because we fear the work of the mountain, there is a crucial thing to evaluate. Ask this question: Is my comfort zone worth sacrificing my dreams and goals for? Yes or no? We are at risk regardless, fight for something that is worth it to YOU. This metaphorical mountain could mean anything. A degree, vocational training, a ‘dream’ job, homeownership, raising children, building a business, an honorable military career, an alternative lifestyle that many may not understand but it feels right to YOU.

     If you want to climb your mountain, climb it. Also remember to have the unconditional acceptances that it will be hard and others can practice their freedom of will to continue their stroll. The mentality of “I’m not going to climb until someone helps me or joins me” will keep you… stuck in the stroll. That’s the unfortunate truth. You can take very few people with you, the only ones you can take are the ones willing to climb by your side and help, otherwise you will be dragged back down where you started. Climbing the mountain requires tenacity, grit, increased independence, self-acceptance, boundaries as well as the many sacrifices listed above. Again, if you choose to climb, climb toward something that is worth it to you.   

Feigning for Endorphins

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 9-24-2020

“I achieve something, and the satisfaction is fleeting. Then, on to the next. Because it is not about achieving what I set out for. It’s about fighting this demon inside that wants to kill me.” -EaE

     People have either experienced major depression or know of someone that has it. A quite common illness according to statistics, but also commonly misunderstood and minimized. When people talk about the fact that major depression can sometimes be crippling, I can assure everyone that it is no lie. Depression can often range anywhere from general sadness throughout the day, most days of the week to crying outbursts at what feels like ‘random moments’ for what seems to be no reason at all. All the way to the severity of feeling mental & physiological symptoms such as: headaches, fatigue, hypersomnia, muscular retardation, reduced concentration, decreased motivation, pessimism, numbness, and/ or apathy. Endorphins is one of the most popular ‘drugs’ that may be sought after when experiencing serious depression, however, it is often hard to fight for and only offers a fleeting amount of euphoria. Due to the severity and chronic nature of depression, some may give up on their quest for these beloved endorphins. Then, on the other end of the spectrum, some may go through extreme lengths just to keep these endorphins coming all day, everyday for as long as they possibly can… to the point of extreme burnout.

     I find that there is an extremely common correlation between chronic mental illness and addictive personalities. In the case of major depression and/ or dysthymia, some may find themselves in a vicious cycle of chasing after endorphins, only to feel disappointment in the fact that they continue to feel extremely depressed shortly after the endorphins are gone. That moment that we had hoped for, that goal or series of life events that was supposed to be the ‘end all be all’ and make life magical is here, and yet… still more depression. This is not only a destructive and dangerous cycle at times, but also a very deceitful one. It is very glamorized, especially in modern day society. America loves people that work 3 jobs, raise families, and can keep up with their fitness to the point of having rock hard abs. Unfortunately, our perceived ‘success stories’ often include people that live with mental illness, chase those addictive burnout lifestyles all the while smiling for the camera. What is it about this visual and perception that is so appealing? It can give us all hope, that we can ‘be it all’ one day and live those ‘happily ever after’s’ that the movies and our peers on social media love to portray.

     What does the chase look like? It can often be traced in what appears to be compulsive behaviors, substance abuse and busy schedules. If the busy schedule is set up, not only does the depression sufferer have successes to look forward to, but also an enormous amount of activities that enforce their avoidance of what is going on in their minds. “If I work overtime, I will be too busy to cry”, “If I have a hobby that I do every evening after my job, I won’t go home to cry myself to sleep at night as I will be too exhausted”, “If I take this drug, it can keep me ‘happy’ and functional so I can push toward x,y,z”, “If I work toward this achievement, people will like me, which feels good”, “If I continue to post things, I will continue to get likes”, “If I burn this many calories, I will feel better, look better, and feel better yet again.” Keep in mind that many depression sufferers have already struggled through serious debilitating ruts that were so terrifying and painful, that they are doing these things at all costs to avoid yet, another rut.

     If someone works themselves up to a major endorphin high, they are likely to ignore anyone/ everyone telling them to ‘slow down’. Why in the world would we want depressing sobriety over the highs of ‘success’ and affirmations? Why would we want to slow down when we are on a roll, we are living this dream and if we fall off the wagon of the endorphin rainbow we will surely be met with the excruciating feelings of severe depression… the enemy.  The right answer? Because this cycle means that we are inevitably going to BURNOUT.

     This is where I am compelled to say that life, is a double edged sworded BITCH. Too much endorphin chasing equals burnout, too little endorphin chasing equals major depression. Then when we find balance, we are often… bored! When we chase highs for too long, a balanced life is extremely boring. Thus, when we decide to knockout our self-destructive tendencies, we are then faced with the task of countering said boredom. Boredom is also depressing sometimes. Okay, so maybe this is a triple sword!  Even better. ☹ But seriously, a balanced human is a healthier human. As a clinician, I will always stress the journey toward balance over the journey toward self-destruction all for short lived, superficial highs. I have been on the chase toward many endorphin highs, and now discipline myself more toward balance. This takes daily reminders. When the chase is on, we must slow down because at the other end of burnout will surely follow exhaustion paired with depression. The depression burnout ruts can last anywhere from months to years. Again, balance is more important than chasing highs.

     Most people suffering from depression can already assure that they have followed the endless series of advice that is stressed/ thrown at them by doctors, friends, family, articles and more. “Listen Becky, that walk on the beach followed by a green juice and sunlight is not going to counter the chemicals that are literally frying my brain and creating a lethargic paralysis throughout my body and a blackness in my mind and soul…”  Some people do, in fact, have to work so hard to counter their depression that it might as well be a full-time job. Yes this, along with many other mental illnesses is the reason mental health treatment is always warranted and needed. Too bad we will never get paid to take care of our very own mental wellbeing, or at least have free mental health care across the board to undo the damages of society and/ or our minds. Instead we may have to pay overpriced rates to help us mend these mental wounds instead.

     In many cases we are led to believe we must end all mental health conversations and topics on a positive note, but depression is not positive. It is a real scary illness that can induce loneliness and isolation. This piece is about mitigating a gap and shedding light on a very misunderstood problem that is crippling the nation more and more. Why should we be compelled to understand this? Because this is sometimes us, our friends, our family members, our neighbors, our coworkers, our beloved stars and more. When we minimize the symptoms of a very real problem due to the fact that it is often an ‘invisible wound’, we contribute to the destructive cycle of isolation and in turn, mental deterioration.

Entrapment

Elisa A. Escalante, LMSW, 9-15-2020

“Not all choices are made with logic. Some are made during fear, some stem from pain. Some are made due to the lies we’ve been told. Some choices are forced upon us. Before you judge a person’s choices, recognize that you really don’t know why they made them.” -EaE

    Unfortunately, humans can find themselves trapped in many ways due to many different reasons. They start the path toward something they believe they want, and it turns into a lifestyle that is consuming and miserable. Trapped physically, mentally, emotionally in something that they no longer want. The classic line of “you knew what you were getting yourself into” is often wrong. How often do we ever really know what we are getting ourselves into…? Especially if… we haven’t done it before…? Humans are often lost creatures searching for ‘perfect’ solutions to never ending problems. Entrapment is associated with heightened obligation to a life that we do not want but feel ‘stuck’ in for a variety of different reasons. Often the terms “I have no choice”, “I have to”, “I must” come up time and time again. Then, although there are options to making changes, the options often seem less than ideal at any given time.  “A divorce might make me happier… but then I would have to deal with X,Y,Z.” “Quitting this job might be good for me, but then I would have to worry about X,Y,Z.” In other words, we do tend to get comfortable in our misery of entrapment due to the fear of what’s to come if we try to escape.

     Examples of circumstances that lead to feelings of Entrapment:   

  • Children in abusive households
  • Abusive marriage
  • Living within community violence
  • Prison
  • Military contract
  • Financial provider of a household
  • Parent of the household
  • Hospitalizations (medical or mental health)
  • Homelessness/ homeless shelter
  • Jobs that cover the bills, but barely
  • Owing debt
  • Legal obligations
  • Physical & Mental disabilities

          Often, the above list are different situations in which people may report feelings of entrapment. It often feels hard to see a way out when you’re literally or mentally stuck, and the obligations are so high. Did we over promise? Did we get ourselves into something we were not ready for? Maybe we didn’t want it, but now it is what it is and it’s too late to back out. Can we even back out or are we bound by parents, sentencing or contract? Must we just ‘do our time’ until the nightmare is over? Will it be over? Is it my fault? What did I do? Life is terrifying when we feel stuck and unhappy with the day to day. What makes matters worse is, people are rarely sympathetic. “Kids stressing you out?? Guess you shouldn’t have had kids”.  “Military sucks? Well you knew what you signed up for!” “Jail sucks, well maybe you shouldn’t have committed the ‘crime’.” “The hospital sucks? Well maybe you should take care of yourself better”. “Stressed about debt? We all are, everyone is dealing with it, spend less money.”

     The blame always gets shifted back to the individual. You did this, you, you, YOU. Regardless of fault or lack of fault (because it isn’t always an individual’s fault; especially children that are in abusive households), we are entitled to our emotions, and emotions never lie. Maybe we had a foresight of something beautiful, maybe we were overpromised things. Maybe we were misguided, maybe we were… simply desperate. Maybe it literally was out of our control at the time. One theme I have found certain in almost all situations of entrapment, is the heightened sense of obligation, shame and misery that comes with it.  It’s not to say that you cannot be happily trapped in something. If someone is happily ‘trapped’ in a situation they love, then technically that’s not entrapment, that’s a healthy/ happy lifestyle and routine they have set up for themselves. Entrapment is about those ‘stuck points’ where the days are hard to get through, and the way out of it seems to be getting slimmer and slimmer.

     What can help when we are ‘STUCK’ and entrapped?

  • If it’s a dangerous situation and you’re consistently feeling threatened mentally and physically, GTFO. Seek safety, seek help, seek resources. It may be uncomfortable, but in order to accomplish this escape plan, you must get comfortable with asking for help and leaning on a support system, temporarily of course. If someone only wishes to diminish, minimize or deny your feelings or deny you access to help, find someone different, they are not the one that can help you. You deserve to be heard and validated.
  • Evaluate what you are actually ‘obligated’ to. In most cases we are NOT obligated to do as much as we think we are. The lines “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done” “I must”, “I have to” need to be reevaluated and reframed. Self-care must come first. Replace obligatory lines with lines such as “Somethings got to give”, “It’s okay not to feel okay”, “sometimes we all need breaks”.
  • Do what you love when you can do it. Regardless of the situation we find ourselves in, there are often at least small slivers of time that get to be ‘for us’. Do not waste that time on self-pity alone. You’re allowed to cry about how shitty your life is while you’re doing something of joy too. At least that activity can help alleviate some of the build up of stress and frustration. (Yes, I have done martial arts many times with tears streaming down my face either before, during or after the training session. Never a single regret.)
  • Visualize and plan the future lifestyle that you are devoted to making better than your present. This is crucial and involves a lot of ‘guided imagery’, hope, objectives, goals and planning. If you are trapped in something that makes you miserable, it’s imperative to actively look at how to change the situation in the future. This process involves a lot of self-motivation, as no one will do it for you. Toxic people and uncomfortable symptoms often sabotage this journey, boundaries will be crucial. As well as the unconditional acceptance that your life will not change overnight.
  • Stop Racing & Chasing. This means, stop being in a hurry to be first, or to accomplish what everyone else is. Live for you and be honest with yourself. Maybe you don’t want that job, maybe society pressured you into it. Maybe you don’t want kids yet, but everyone is telling you it’s the next step. Maybe you don’t want to reenlist in the military, but you do not know another life and are anxious about the next step. Entrapped people are susceptible to this theme as they live their life believing that the ‘next thing’ or ‘next person’ will make all their problems go away. However, working toward a goal or different lifestyle is only ever worth it, when it’s something that YOU want.

Empowerment

       In many cases, there is an embarrassment associated with entrapment. As stated before, society shames those who find themselves in positions that are difficult to deal with. Unlike the rest of the world, I like to take the approach of empowerment vs the approach of shaming. I will empower you with the reminder that you can do great things for yourself, even when odds are stacked against you. In general, most people are capable of more than they realize, the key is always hunting down those crucial timeframes where we are free with time, and free of symptoms. (Yes, sometimes these moments are slim, but they count) The only thing we may have when we are in situations of entrapment is the daily tasks that we can do that will make a difference in our futures. (Delayed gratification) Do not let those moments pass you by. If this article is relatable to you, it means you deserve to be happier than this.

Hopes & Dreams

Elisa. A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 09-03-2020

“One more emotion or stressor could be one too many. The greatest awareness you can have, is knowing when you cannot take anymore… and when you must hope, dream and fight for something different.”

     There are layers to this madness that is the mental health profession. I cannot even give a glimpse of how deep it goes, how deep we can go. People are like onions, with hundreds and hundreds of layers. Most of us only peal back a few layers, what’s left is a tangled mess that we are terrified to unravel. It takes tremendous courage to work in the mental health profession. It also takes tremendous courage to go to therapy and allow these mental layers to be peeled away as you bare your vulnerability to an absolute stranger. People want answers, primarily they want to ask me things like “What’s going on, why is the suicide rate so high?” “What makes people so.. ‘crazy’?” “What do you usually see in the therapy room?” How can we answer these things? Any and everything is possible. Also, no two people are exactly alike. This isn’t math, this isn’t engineering, this isn’t business, this isn’t economics. This is people. But, not their body, or teeth, or fitness or sales … but the human mind. The most complex thing to study, and no matter how much we study it, we will never have it all the way figured out.

     I think one of the more disappointing things I sometimes see in my own profession is a ‘them and us’ attitude, as if we are not the clients, and they are not us. However, when we really think about it, we are them, and they are us. Meaning we are susceptible to emotional pain and trauma just the same as they are. We as therapists, are also susceptible to addictions, depression, anxiety, grief, anger outbursts and so on. We are NOT above any of the issues that we see from our clients in that therapy room. We can also question our own mortality, and our own desires to live and die. It’s not nearly as uncommon as people want to believe it is.

     There is an unfortunate amount of people that want to die. There is also an unfortunate amount of people that claim they want to live but are slowly killing themselves in a dissociative state. They don’t even realize they are doing it. If we have ever worked ourselves to burnout and then went home only to feed on junk and poisons in front of a screen day in and day out for years, we are already halfway there. I believe that we need hopes and dreams in the same way we need sunlight and oxygen. We need something that brings joy, something to look forward to. My parents often told me I ‘had my head in the clouds’ way too often. Little did they know, I was concocting my future life plans. I was scheming a way out much like those ‘small town girls’ in the chick flicks that are prepping for an exciting future over in a place where ‘the grass is greener’. We will not always be bursting with happiness, motivation and concentration of course… but constant misery isn’t healthy either. When there is an accumulation of turmoil and misery, we need hope and desire to pull us through. We need reason’s to want to live, especially when living is horrifically painful.

     How many people in this world have looked a person dead in the eyes when they talk about their suicidal thoughts, plans and attempts? Who else has seen and heard about their scars as they recount how and why they inflicted self harm? Why does the world need mental health therapists? Ultimately, we need people that are willing to ‘go there’ with us. The ones that are willing to sit with us in the depths of our pain and unspoken secrets. There are many things that are hard to say out loud, especially when it’s a matter of summoning up the will to keep living a life we don’t want to live anymore. I will humbly admit that I have helped people summon up the desire to continue with their lives, even when I was at breaking points in my own life. Hopes and dreams even when self-care, coping tools and everything else has fallen apart. Humans are phenomenal in that way. They suffer so much, yet they hope and dream so hard. They find things to live for, sometimes, even when absent of reinforced positivity.  

HOPE gives us the ability to:

  • Have faith in the goodness of others and ourselves
  • Remember that nothing is permanent, to include debilitating emotions
  • Receive doses of positivity and euphoria

Dreams give us:

  • The beginning of a goal, which we can plan out clear objectives for later
  • An orientation toward the future while ‘trapped’ in the present
  • Guided imagery toward an alter life with envisioned possibilities

     This is what the emotional mind needs to continue the desire of life and the pursuit of contentment. Meanwhile the physical body needs safety, food, water, sleep, sunlight, oxygen etc. Decreasing suicidal thought is often about restoring hope and willingness to fight through the monotony and misery. The second step would be to establish a sense of self, self-care and the confidence to pursue what we want vs what others want for us. Self love and self-actualization (higher up on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) require a solid foundation. A descent balanced life is not as easy as we make it out to be. So, if you happen to be struggling, know that you shouldn’t be ashamed. If anything, society should be ashamed, and take a portion of the responsibility. If someone you know is struggling, be easy on them. Life does evil things to us.

Things we shouldn’t say:

  • “You have so much to live for” (not everyone shares this sentiment or see’s something in their life that is perceivably worth living for… yet.)
  • “Think about your children” (Children are an obligation, they come with many added stressors and are separate from self. A child CAN be considered a protective factor, but it is still very possible for a parent to be suicidal)
  • “It will all be okay” (we can’t promise that, especially if we are not willing to go the distance of caregiving for another human being until they are more settled in life and in their minds.)
  • “That’s a coward’s way out” (No, it’s a way out for those that feel they have exhausted all measures that they know of, still feel like shit, and have people giving them ridiculous feedback such as this quote.)
  • “Don’t be weak” (There are different types of strength in the world, mental fortitude is a tremendous one. The reality is you can’t measure another person’s mental fortitude because you will never be in their mind to feel how much they are suffering through.)

     My blanket advice to all people? Take care of you first, because quite honestly, no one else is going to know how to do it as well as you. No one is going to understand what you need as well as you. If anything, we need this constant daily reminder that we are worthy of self-care and pursuit of happiness. We are also worthy of help when we need it, and hopefully we find that help. Hopefully we also find those hopes and dreams that are worth waking up for. If someone finds something that they love and they pursue it with a vengeance, support it. We don’t really know just how much it’s saving them; to follow that dream. It has nothing to do with whether we will attain what we set out to attain. It’s about channeling the dream into motivation, momentum and ultimately, living a life.

T.I.G.S

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 08-25-2020

     What is it that erodes our mental health over a lifetime? What can we avoid? And what must we face? There are quite a few mental disorders and no doubt our brain chemistry and biology play a role in our psyche. However, it is also that nurture factor: the things that happen to us. The theme of the environment surrounding us, that we are trapped in. This could include: Community violence, war, domestic violence, toxic work environments, poverty, chronic homelessness etc. Unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances as well as traumatic grievances that can build up over a lifetime. It is NOT always our fault and we must come to terms with the fact that life slowly erodes our mental/ emotional wellbeing. First, let us identify the four major contributors to mental erosion. I present to you an acronym I have created/ coined as TIGS! Be mindful of TIGS and the role it plays in our mental/ emotional health.

Trauma- Facing or witnessing life or death situations, as well as chronic exposure to repeated situations of helplessness/ hopelessness and/ or loss of control over time. 

Injury- (physical and/ or moral)- damage to the body or damage to the moral compass either through a physical blow/ accident/ medical complications or a situation in which someone is forced into doing something that goes against their values/ belief system.

Grief- Loss to include loves ones, job, money, time, identity, sense of purpose, belongings.

Stress- Accumulation of adverse situations and release of cortisol hormone leading to physical and mental tensions.

     When faced with TIGS, there are several things that can help mitigate some of the risk of mental erosion. It gets tricky, because it is extremely hard to remember what is important when we are in a time of crisis. First and foremost, we must establish safety before healing can even begin. Also, to heal, we must first admit that there is something to heal from. So, what are the barriers that can often make our TIGS more chronic and exacerbated? What are the helping agents that can get us through with the least amount of mental damage possible?

     The Barriers to healing during or post TIGS

  • Denial/ deflection
  • Avoidance of issue’s through excessive work or substance abuse
  • Lying about how we feel to ourselves and others
  • Avoiding healthcare and mental health care at all costs
  • Isolation & agoraphobic tendencies (staying indoors and hiding when in pain)
  • Repeatedly going back to what harms us (often due to guilt, low self-esteem and/ or obligation)
  • Lack of a support system
  • Never asking for help

What helps when dealing with TIGS?

  • Established support network (community/ family/ friends/ social clubs.. etc)
  • A variety of healthy coping tools
  • Prioritizing self-care (Sometimes this means saying no to others)
  • Medical check ups and mental health hygiene
  • Saying yes to helpful resources when in a time of need (gifts/ social welfare etc.)
  • Keeping our momentum (slowing down is always okay, but stopping/ isolating is what is harmful)
  • Grounding ourselves in the moment and allowing our emotional processing through
  • Practicing patience with ourselves as well as positive affirmations

     Many people have reported that when dealing with TIGS, they often come face to face with societal pressure’s, judgements, criticism, and a lack of support. I always stress when we choose our support systems, we must choose them wisely. When picking our healthcare and mental health care teams, we must find a fit that we are comfortable with. When going to friends or family members for an emotional outlet, we must remember which ones are actually helpful to talk to. When engaging in any type of self-medicating, we must remember the importance of harm reduction and balance.  We must also remember to keep some momentum, but also not push ourselves. These balances are excruciatingly difficult to keep up, and sometimes the TIGS just keep on coming. We are faced with enormously difficult tasks. Keeping up with the constant demands of life (work/ family/ bills etc), dealing with TIGS and being required to appear ‘normal’ and happy the entire time.

     What was your last TIGS situation? How did it go? How did you handle it? Did you reach out for support? What was helpful and what did not work for you? What were the barriers and how can you counter them next time? It is true that TIGS are a part of life, but it is also true that humans are emotional beings and require time to process, address their issue’s, tend to the wounds, and heal. Some people address all their TIGS with phrases such as: “I’m okay”, “I can do it on my own”, I’ve been through worse” etc. Be mindful that these phrases fit many of the barriers of healing in the top list: denial, deflection, avoidance, and never asking for help. Functionally Mental blog is here to remind you again, it is okay to not always be okay.

Chasing Highs & Lows

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 08-21-2020

“The one thing that saved me and gave me hope for many years, is also what’s slowly destroying my body and mind. And now, I am forever torn.” -EaE

     What’s your poison? Have you figured it out yet? Do you still believe drugs are only injected into the body and only dangerous if society says so? People tend to want to feel comfortable while in a state of mental and physical equilibrium, unfortunately we stray away from that as life hits us with a tremendous number of tiny blows, repeatedly. How much can the mind and body take before it craves something other than what its getting? There are a few reasons I believe we must destigmatize self-medicating and drug addictions.

  1. Everyone (literally everyone!) self-medicates with something
  2. Addiction is a high indicator of emotional distress/ mental illness
  3. Lack of talking about it = lack of education = lack of insight = you will be rendered useless in how to solve the problem
  4. Sometimes self-medicating is better for us than sobriety (Yes, I said it)

Here’s the issue, before mental health education was mainstreamed, we had a very odd way of dealing with substance abusers. They were to be highly shamed, highly pathologized and pressured from everyone around them to simply cure their issue’s as quick as possible. They were made to believe that sober meant happiness and normalcy. However, for them, quitting cold turkey meant… misery. They were pressured into sobriety and social norms while being rendered useless, as they could not find any other ways to cope. They were always told to quit, but never told what to do with themselves after. Then life moves on, the family members in denial get to live happily knowing their family reputation can be saved, they won’t have an ‘awful addict’ in the family. Then, when inevitable relapse happens, they may cut off the family member completely. It’s unacceptable to poison yourself with these things and if you continue to do so, do stay away! It could be contagious…

     Don’t get me wrong, I for one know on a personal level, it is extremely hard to live with a chronic substance abuser/ addict. It was hard and confusing, and then heart breaking all the more when she chose to give up on us. All that was said to me from my family about my mother was “She cannot take care of you because she does drugs”. That was the explanation I got since I was 6 years old. Nothing further about her mental or physical state, well being, trauma history, nothing. It would take many painful years before I discovered her story. For the longest of times, we have lived in a world where people could not, or would not piece together this simple pattern: 

A Trauma/ grief/ mental illness = B chronic, distressing symptoms = C temptation to self-medicate said symptoms = D self-medicating gone haywire = E possible addiction

The list of activities we can use to self-medicate are endless:

TV & movies/ Games/ stimulants/ cannabis/ hallucinogens/ caffeine/ food/ anxiolytics/ alcohol/ sedatives/ shopping/ gambling/ opioids/ sex/ exercise/ driving/ cuddling/ listening/ writing/ inhalants/ social media/ tobacco/ stealing/ burning/ cutting & other forms of self-harm/ reading/ socials/ problem solving/ working/ fighting etc

     Read the list carefully and remember, you are not above self-medicating, no one is. The questions are 1- What symptoms are you trying to medicate? 2- What’s your ‘drug(s)’ of choice? 3- How does it help you and how does it harm you? 4- Are you capable of self-medicating in moderation or has it gotten difficult to regulate/ control?

     Are you using alcohol to counter anxiety and insomnia? Are you using a stimulant to decrease depressive symptoms? Are you excessively eating because it’s easy access and life is miserably boring? Is the cannabis helping your otherwise explosive anger? There are many different reasons we self-medicate, we must address the imbalance that may cause us to spiral, very noticeably, out of control. Phase D (Self medicating gone haywire) is typically the phase in which our family members/ friends start to notice our ‘shameful’ habits. They then induce more shame on something we are already feeling shameful about.  This will lead to more distressing symptoms, and then, more self-medicating to make up for it. Hence, when we try to pressure our friends/ family members to quit the ‘drug’, we often unintentionally push them further into it.

     Despite popular belief, we don’t necessarily have to quit self-medicating. As many can see from the list above, it is impossible. It’s human to self-medicate and we are surrounded by a stressful society with many things to medicate with!  Quitting may be counterproductive to our mental health (depending on our drug of choice). I have known clients to say that if they did not continue smoking or drinking, they would likely kill themselves. I very well, then, cannot tell them to quit just because ‘it’s bad for you’. Obviously, society is worse for them than the drug, if they cannot tolerate it in sobriety enough to want to continue dealing with it.

     So, what helps reduce compulsive self-medicating & addictive behaviors?

     My big answer: MORE COPING OUTLETS & LESS SHAME.  I recommend we all have five or more outlets.  Example:  cannabis, martial arts, reading, writing, Netflix, social media, walks.  This is a pretty damn good list!  Another example:  Yoga, baking, meditating, psychedelics, singing, shopping & social events. Well balanced, and many options to choose from. When we have only ONE coping outlet, we are more likely to abuse that coping outlet. Once upon a time, I had only one coping outlet: food. So, every time I felt depressed, lonely, bored, anxious, stressed, fearful etc, I went right to… food! Then, I gained weight. Then I received societal shame. Then, I developed an eating disorder. Then, subsequent symptoms followed such as increased depression, hypersomnia, fatigue, issues with concentration. Then, I ate more food to counter increased symptoms. At that point it was a vicious counterproductive cycle. I tried all diets possible until I realized dieting won’t ‘cure’ an eating disorder or food addiction. Literally, the only thing that helped was increasing my coping outlets while decreasing shames. The more coping activities I did outside of food, the more I was able to experience a positive world outside my ‘drug’ of choice. Then, the less I was tempted to eat all my feelings away. The more I countered shameful thoughts with positive affirmations, and the more I placed boundaries on those that shamed me, the less likely I would experience distress and temptation to continue excessive self-medicating.

     It’s funny, really, how I strived to be nothing like my alcoholic/ meth addicted mother, but then turned to food instead. We may try so hard to not become an addict, but then become an addict. No one’s goal is to be heavily addicted to something while flushing the rest of their life away. It starts small and subtle. A pain; then a pleasure to counter the pain. Chasing equilibrium, chasing the things that will get us back there again so that we may tolerate the wounds of internal and external triggers. Racing and chasing our way to ‘normalcy’ or ‘happiness’ with highs and lows. Be aware, be vigilant and most importantly, be honest and kind with yourself.

Growing Pains

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 8-17-2020

“Laughing is easier than crying, anger is easier than grief, silence is easier than talking about it, forgetting is easier than remembering. But, we do not get the luxury of choosing how and when to feel things. And although we can disguise and hide our pain, we cannot will it to go away.” -EaE

     ‘Adapt and overcome’, it’s supposed to feel like a breeze. Change is inevitable and we all must go with the changes; use our natural adaptability skills as people often do. Just when we settle and think things are what they will be ‘forever’ a new path comes ‘out of nowhere’, forcing us to go through growing pains, yet again. Why?! Even though humans are tremendously adaptable, we cannot help but fight the changes every step of the way. That is, until we eventually give up in defeat and settle for this new reality/ norm. Why do we fight it? Perhaps because we have fought blood, sweat and tears to get to where we are at, and it hurts to see it all taken away or swept up in a whirlwind that we had next to no control over. Ouch. What feelings and emotions are really being triggered when a new chaos emerges?  Powerlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness… terrifying feelings.

     We want to believe we have control; we want to believe that if we do things right and plan our lives in a calculated manner, that everything will go okay. As much as it is true that our life choices are crucial in how we turn out, it is also true that there will be things that we have zero control over, that may ‘destroy’ all progress that we had made. Can we accept that? Can we adapt? Can we work with new limitations while we deal with these excruciating growing pains? Whether someone is gaining or losing something, yes, I will always call it growing pains. As a matter of fact, I hate when people use the phrase “starting over”. I do not believe humans ‘start over’. I believe that their life is consistently changing, and they are consistently learning and growing with it. Even if a life event leaves us for broke, are we not richer in experience? If a life event caused us to have a nervous breakdown, are we not wiser from surviving through that mental battle? Even if someone is 30 years sober and has a relapse on their drug, did it really undo 30 years of sobriety? Even if life is shit, can we not hope for and perhaps create a bigger and better future by taking from those lessons?

     I have worked with many clients during some of the hardest situations in their lives. Military deployments, family separations, divorces, abusive relationships, addictions, bankruptcy’s, legal issues, suicidal contemplations, homicidal fantasies and so on. One thing I believe in is our ability to live on despite every card and every play working against us. However, just because humans can adapt, does not mean it’s easy or that it feels ‘fair’. Currently we are going through a tremendous amount of growing pains. These growing pains involve loss, grief, helplessness, powerlessness, racial divides, changes in financial status & housing stability… it feels more like a loss than growth. However, no matter how rough the crisis, I have a responsibility to remind those that stay living, about the ways in which they can engage in self-care.

     In crisis, adaptations, change and chaos, a good therapist goes ‘back to the basics’. My basics come from a military mental health background. When in a war zone, we cannot go outside without being in danger, resources are limited, support systems are thousands of miles away, danger is lurking around every corner. Sound a bit familiar? Nothing is definite or definitive. Nothing is figured out all the way. I cannot lie and say it will “all be okay” when I do not know if myself or my client will die tomorrow. So, back to the basics of self-care. Are you eating? Are you drinking water? Are you resting? Are you engaged in a social activity of some sorts (even if it can only be tele communication for now)? Are you attempting to do something, anything, that brings joy to your life? Ever?

     Ironically when humans are faced with the hardest growing pains of their lives, that is when they often shut down and do everything except self-care. Self-destructive tendencies often kick in. Why? When we are emotionally distraught, we do not steer toward healthy activities necessarily, rather we tend to engage in comforting and coddling activities. Things that have powerful temporary ‘healing’ powers, but no true healing powers. This could include isolating, staying sedentary, substance abuse, codependency, compulsive behaviors, neglecting plans/ chores for the future and so on. I must remind people to care for themselves, especially in the hardest of times. External life circumstances can/ will break us if we let our guard down and forget the most important thing of all: our own personal self-preservation. Below is a list of tips that can help alleviate some of the current growing pains, traumas and grievances we are currently facing:

  1. Engage in regular eating and hydration, first and foremost. Listen to your bodies cues when it is telling you it’s hungry or thirsty, do not let less important things get in the way of this (it’s at the top of the list for a reason).
  2. Allow yourself an adequate amount of sleep/ time off. This should also be prioritized above the rest of the list.
  3. Filter toxic/ negative energy with boundaries. (ex: filtering social media, scheduled time in solitude, abstaining from abusive people etc)
  4. Monitor screen time to include: TV, gaming, social media, news etc. Obviously, screens are here to stay, but we are not meant to be on them all day every day. Though screen purging may instigate FOMO moments, by abusing the screen, we miss out in our organic lives.
  5. Have MULTIPLE healthy coping outlets (ex: musical instrument/ journaling/ coloring/ gardening/ singing/ arts & crafts/ socializing etc)
  6. Exercise! I put this separately from ‘healthy coping outlets’ only because it’s not optional. We MUST exercise. Humans need to keep momentum. What is optional, is what you choose to do for exercise, and the list to choose from is HUGE. Find something you love!
  7. Always remember/ be humbled by what is out of your control. This includes other people’s decisions, other people’s viewpoints/ beliefs, mother nature & so on. Picking our battles & missions wisely is imperative because we only have so much physical/ mental energy to get us through the day.
  8. Be aware of your self-destructive habits (we all have them! No shame!) and the triggers that onset these habits. Ex: Watching the news regarding ____ makes me feel ____ and then I tend to engage in ______.
  9. Learn lessons. Accountability can be one of the hardest things to face in a crisis, but when the calm of the storm hits and we can find something of value to take with us, it can foster some much-needed life improvements.
  10. Get help if you need help. There are just some things we cannot face all alone. No one is equipped for everything. Whether the help be a networking connection, a resource, professional counseling, crisis intervention or so forth, it is worth doing for the sake of your mental health.

When the Songs Got it Right

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 8-13-2020

         To follow up after my blog: When the movies got it right, I now want to take us into various song quotes that represent mental anguish and emotional expression. Though songs may be simplified as a form of ‘art’ so to speak, there is no denying their power. Song lyrics can often remind people of a part of themselves that they do not know how to express. When people have a hard time verbalizing how they feel, it is not uncommon for them to use songs as the template of their mental pain. We may use songs to express how we felt about our upbringing, societal stressors, in addition to proclaiming our feelings in a loving and/ or painful relationship. We also use songs to express the anguish of daily life as well as the deep scars from many traumatic experiences, from historical events to current events. Also, at the other end of the spectrum, it can be an attraction toward lyrics that motivate us when nothing else can/ will. A song can fill the gap, it can be that expression that we may long to get out into the open. I apologize in advance as I know I am most likely leaving some epic lyrics out of this blog!  I do not know every amazing song in the world, but this is me trying my best! Here are some of the song lyrics, that truly got it right:

“Can’t you see that you’re smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control, cause everything that you thought I would be, has fallen apart, right in front of you. Every step that I take is another mistake to you, and every second I waste is more than I can take.” -Numb, Linkin Park

 “Every time, when I look in the mirror, all these lines on my face getting clearer, the past is gone… it went by, like dusk to dawn. Isn’t that the way, everybody’s got their dues in life to pay” – Dream on, Aerosmith

“I’ll do whatever it takes, when I’m with you I get the shakes, my body aches when I aint with you, I have zero strength. There’s no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths. Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks gonna be that one, and then once we get em’ it’s never the same? You want them when they don’t want you, soon as they do, feelings change.” -Eminem, Spacebound

“I, feel something so right doing the wrong thing, I, feel something so wrong, doing the right thing. I could lie, could lie, could lie, everything that kills me, makes me feel alive” -Counting Stars, One republic

 “Broken heart again, another lesson learned, better know your friends, or else you will get burned. Gotta count on me, cause’ I can guarantee that I’ll be fine… no more pain. No more pain, no drama… no more drama in my life, no one’s gonna’ make me hurt again.” -Mary J Blige, No more Drama

“Don’t leave me I, Oh I will hate myself until I die.. My heart would break without you, might not awake without you. Been hurting low, from living high for so long. I’m sorry and I love you, sing with me, “bell bottom blue”, I’ll keep on searching for an answer, because I need you more than dope….” -Lady Gaga, Dope

“Another mother’s breaking heart is taking over. When the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken. It’s the same old theme, since nineteen-sixteen, in your head in your head, they’re still fighting. With their tanks, and their bombs, and their bombs, and their guns, in your head, in your head, they are dying.” -Zombie, The Cranberries

“Love can touch us one time, and last for, a lifetime, and never let go ‘til.. we’re gone.” -Celine Dion, My heart will go on

“It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you, everywhere I go, but I’m doing it. It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone. Still harder, gettin up, gettin dressed, living with, this regret, but I know, if I could do it over.. I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken.” -Rascall Flatts, What hurts the most

“Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I’m right. Swear I knew it all along and I am flawed.. but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.. so clear. -Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

“Sun is up, I’m a mess, gotta get out now, gotta run from this, here comes the shame. Here comes the shame… I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier. I’m gonna live, like tomorrow doesn’t exist, like it doesn’t exist. I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry.. and I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes, keep my glass full until morning light, cause I’m just holding on for tonight.” -Sia, Chandelier

“So many times, it happens too fast, you trade your passion for glory. Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of your past, you must fight just to keep them alive” -Eye of the Tiger, Survivor

“I used to wake up some days, and wish I’d stayed asleep. Because I went to bed on top of the world, today the worlds on top of me. Everybody’s got opinions, they share, they’ve been in my position, they don’t care, and it breaks my heart when I hear what they have to say about me.” -He still loves me, Beyonce & Walter Williams

“I used to crave the worlds attention, I think I cried too many times, I just need some more affection, anything to get me by. A hundred million stories and a hundred million songs I feel stupid when I sing, nobody’s listening to me, nobody’s listening. I talk to shooting stars, but they always get it wrong I feel stupid when I pray, why the fuck am I praying anyways? If nobody’s listening?! -Anyone, Demi Lovato

 “It’s just a cruel existence like there’s no point in hoping at all. Baby, baby, I feel crazy, up all night, all night and every day. Give me something, oh, but you say nothing. What is happening to me?! I don’t wanna live forever, cause I know I’ll be living in vain, and I don’t’ wanna fit, wherever, I just wanna keep calling your name, til you come back home.” -I don’t wanna live forever, Taylor swift and Zayn Malik

“I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic, and my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it. I know I’m hurting deep down, but can’t show it, I never had a place to call my own, I never had a home, aint nobody callin my phone. Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind? They say every life is precious but nobody care about mine.” -1-800-273-8255, Logic

“I see no changes; all I see is racist faces. Misplaced hate makes disgrace to races. We under, I wonder what it takes to make this, one better place, let’s erase the wasted. Take the evil out of people they’ll be acting right, cause both black and white, is smokin crack tonight. The only time we chill is when we kill each other, it takes skills to be real, time to heal each other.” -Changes, Tupac

“Heaven knows that I’ve been told, paid for the life that I chose, if I could I’d trade it all… trade it for a halo. And she said that she’ll pray for me, I said ‘it’s too late for me’, ‘cause I think it’s safe to say… this aint ordinary life.” -Ordinary Life, The Weeknd

“Piece by piece, he collected me up, off the ground, where you abandoned things. Piece by piece he filled the holes that you burned in me. Six years old and you know, he never walks away, he never asks for money, he takes care of me, ‘cause he loves me, piece by piece, he restored my faith that a man can be kind and a father could, stay.” -Piece by piece, Kelly Clarkson

 “And in the naked light I saw, ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening. People writing songs, that voices never share. And no one dared… disturb the sound, of silence.” -The sound of silence, Simon & Garfunkel

“She won’t touch me, I won’t touch her, we rarely even ever say a word, I really want to give her everything she deserves but the bad took away the good. She thinks that I’m full of it, arguments, always pissed, man I’m tired. Every kiss that I miss, girl you know I’m trying. You never believe when I say, and I never believe it when you say, I love you. And I shouldn’t complain about it, I should take it like a man and walk up out it, ‘cause we will never be the same. I’ve been standing in gas, and you have been the flame.” -Moving Mountains, Usher 

“Too late, my time has come, sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, oooooh… I don’t want to die, I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.” -Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen

“The time has come, to say fairs fair, to pay the rent, to pay our share. The time has come, a fact’s a fact, it belongs to them, let’s give it back. How can we dance when our earth is turning? how do we sleep while our beds are burning?” -Beds are burning, Midnight Oil

“All the youth in the world will not save you from growing older. And all the truth in the girl is too precious to be stolen from her. It’s just the way it is, maybe it’s never gonna change, but I got a mind to show my strength, and I got a right to speak my mind. And I’m gonna pay for this, they’re gonna burn me at the stake, but I got a fire in my veins. I wasn’t made to fall in line. -Fall in Line, Christina Aguilera

“So I took what’s mine, by eternal right, took your soul out into the night. It may be over but it won’t stop there, I am here for you if you’d only care. You touched my heart, you touched my soul, you changed my life and all my goals. And love is blind and that I knew when, my heart was blinded by you.” -Goodbye my Lover, James Blunt

“I’m never gonna let you close to me, even though you mean the most to me, ‘cause every time I open up, it hurts. So I’m never gonna get too close to you, even when I mean the most to you, in case you go and leave me in the dirt.” -Too Good at Goodbyes, Sam Smith

“Some days, things just take, way too much of my energy. I look up and the whole world’s spinning. You take my cares away, I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate. Feel my blood runnin’, swear the sky’s fallin’. How do I know if this shit’s fabricated?” -Breathin, Ariana Grande

“And now, I’m glad I didn’t know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives, are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss… the dance. -The Dance, Garth Brooks

“I can wait another day, until I call you. You’ve only got my heart on a string and everything a-flutter. But another lonely night, might take forever. We’ve only got each other to blame, it’s all the same to me love. Cause I know, what I feel, to be right… No more lonely nights, no more lonely nights. You’re my guiding light, day or night I’m always there.” -No more lonely nights, Paul McCartney

NOT your Mother Teresa

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 8-5-2020

“When helping someone, if you are working harder than they are, that’s a problem.” -EaE

     The kindest people of the world get put up on the most dangerous types of pedestals. The pedestal of people pointing at them as the ‘go to’ person anytime anyone needs anything, ever. Unfortunately, it’s not always as simple as ‘you come first’ statements to cure this issue. Someone who is constantly exploited for their kindness, emotional maturity and excess empathy may not even see the true pattern. It feels so natural, so right, to always step up and help others. It feels good to get that constant reassurance through ‘thank you’ s’ and ‘you’re the bests’ as well as ‘No one has helped me the way you have’. However, beneath every kind/ foolish heart is a lifetime of pain. A person that constantly helps others at the detriment of their own mental health, is NOT an okay person. I will start by laying out some key terms that correlate with the ‘Mother Teresa’s’ of the world, the ones that are constantly doing for others.

Fawning- A trauma response/ defense mechanism that consists of constant ‘people pleasing’ to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships and earn approval from others. If confrontation puts someone head to head with ‘fight or flight’ (common for abuse survivors that needed to appease a temperamental guardian) said person may likely fawn over others to keep the peace.

Savior complex- (AKA White knight syndrome) describes the need to ‘save’ people by fixing their problems. Some explain a sense of feeling good about themselves and/ or ‘worthy’ only if they help others. (Common for children that grew up with parent(s) struggling with Domestic violence and/ or drug addictions & needed consistent saving)

Survivor guilt- A moral injury/ grieving process that occurs when someone feels wrong or guilty about surviving a traumatic event that others did not survive. Guilt may cause individual to feel they deserve to suffer and may consistently attempt to make up for the past while disregarding their own well being. (Extremely common with war traumas)

Codependency- A behavioral condition in a relationship in which someone enables another person’s addiction(s), poor self-care choices, lack of accountability etc due to their own excessive reliance on that person’s approval. Requiring said approval for their own sense of purpose/ identity. (Common in addiction & abusive households)

Rigid Obligatory Roles- When family members or coworkers place one key person in a place of heightened obligation and said individual consistently steps up to the role until it becomes what feels like a ‘natural’ compulsion. (Examples: the ‘ATM’ of the family, the ‘go to’ for emotional support, the DD for every event etc. The obligatory person is often someone struggling with a savior complex or survivor’s guilt)

Trauma bonding- Strong emotional attachments between an abused person and his/ her abuser, formed as a result of a cycle of violence and enmeshed identities of ‘the controller’ and ‘the victim’. (Often the result of a child being loved & abused interchangeably during childhood from 1 or more abusive guardian. Love and tragedy become enmeshed)

     If anyone suffers from any of the above conditions, behavioral traits and/ or defense mechanisms, it is worth reflecting on. If we suffer from said conditions and find ourselves in a constant state of anxiousness, irritability, relational issue’s and work-related stressors, there may be a direct correlation. My very first hint of this being an issue for me came from no other: A social worker. A social worker that I happened to be deployed to Afghanistan with. After many long (and I’m sure annoying) slew of vents from me regarding my difficult friendships and relationships she blurted out: “Have you ever thought about why you have the types of relationships that you do? Why are you always attracting those types of people, who always seem to be in a state of crisis?”

     I was stunned. I was not out of denial just yet. I was just shocked and appalled that she would assume it’s ‘my fault’. I desperately in my own mind searched for someone I knew that was ‘normal’, someone that did not cause any drama. Okay, yea there were none. Then again, I used to believe ‘normal’ existed back in those days. However, what this social work colleague was really trying to point out was that there was a role I chose to play in every friendship, relationship or acquaintanceship I got myself into. I was typically fawning, saving, and providing an endless amount of emotional support meanwhile living in denial about my own issues. It was a distraction/ avoidance technique that eventually turned into a heavy compulsion. I had no clue now to create boundaries for myself. This was an extremely crucial thing to learn.  We are accountable for the types of people we bring in and out of our lives. We are 99.9% accountable for the ass pain we want to deal with or NOT deal with. It is never as simple as “I’m a good person and the world is evil toward me.” With a statement like that, we fail to see our own personal role in savior/ victim relationships.

     Here’s some important questions/ reflections: Are people using us (savior mother Teresa types) on purpose? Are they viciously and selfishly using us? Or are we compulsively helping even when some people didn’t ask for our help? Perhaps it’s a bit of both. Perhaps they are using us selfishly. Then again, perhaps they are codependent and don’t even realize they are in a chronic state of victimhood, meanwhile we may not realize we are in a chronic state of fawning. Perhaps we are hunting and jumping at every opportunity we can find to save someone in order to feel ‘worthy’ or make up for an everlasting regret. The world is full of people that need saving, if we look hard enough, it’s never hard to find them. We (saviors) also need saving but tend to neglect those needs due to the preference of getting distracted by the need of others.

      What happens when Boundaries are made?

     Typically, if we are brave enough to start setting boundaries for the sake of our self-preservation, the ones that ‘need’ us most don’t respond well. There is a likelihood that they will question or counter the boundaries. There is a likelihood that they will ignore them completely. There might even be anger or guilt tactics involved to try and reel the savior back into the role. For those that are serious about eliminating their Mother Teresa Ambiance, DO NOT CAVE. Remember that a part of what makes us so approachable and inviting is exactly that: We are approachable and inviting. STOP. Learn to say no, if we don’t know how to, we must practice it. There are very little excuses needed, as boundaries are a natural human right. IF we do not teach others of our boundaries, they may never even realize that said boundaries exist. Here’s another crucial question: Can we find an identity outside of being a savior? Yes, we can. Look for it, explore it, fight for it. It’s is NOT easy, but worth it. If life feels meaningless and empty without saving other’s, we have a lot of work to do with learning to love ourselves.

     A person exhibiting codependent traits may personalize their friend and/ or family members boundaries. They may believe it’s about them. I can easily assure anyone I know that my boundaries are never about them, they are about me, and my own personal sanity. Do not put me on a pedestal, do not believe I am the answer to all your problems. Do not assume I want to go from a 9-5 where I help people all day to an evening of helping you, for free, with all your issue’s too. Do not believe that someone else is ever more responsible for your issue’s than you are. Do not believe that anyone owes you anything, ever. I (and many others) will always be a kind, because it was a value instilled in us from childhood. True kindness and empathy are extremely rare, and unfortunately the world can spoil it fast. Many of us do not want to be depleted of kindness, and in order to preserve this value, we must make boundaries. We must protect ourselves; we are not your Mother Teresa.

Heart of Ruby

Elisa A Escalante

“Maybe you didn’t need me, but I needed you,

As I sat on that rock, waiting to see you,

You called and said you’d come, and somehow I believed you,

And watched the cars go by, hoping I’d see you,

Because you gave me life, yes I came from you,

But you were not there, to see my life through,

You always left me, yet I never stopped loving you,

Because every time I saw you, I felt you were brand new,

And it made me angry, knowing I couldn’t change you,

Grabbing at your feet, begging and pleading with you,

To not go in that room, and put that stuff in you.

I thought that I meant more, since I belonged to you.

I always thought you’d change, and that you’d get a clue,

In that dazed mind of yours, that perhaps I needed you,

But you never came, as I waited for you,

That last time was the last, that I would ever trust you,

Because enough is enough, there is no changing you,

Not for your son or your daughter, not for your husband or you,

Maybe you don’t think of me, but I think of you,

As I spend my life, waiting to see you………

*************************************

And then the moment came, that I could see you,

Not the best circumstance, not the best you,

It’s a shame it took so long, for me to see you,

For you to almost die, for me to hear of you,

In a way you were the same, in a way you were still you,

And I became so distant, no longer did I know you,

You told me that you loved me, that I was a part of you,

You told your son to be careful, because he was just like you,

That he’d end up in that bed, if he turned into you.

You loved how much I had grown, and how I looked like you,

And I just sat and cried, as I looked at you.

Knowing ten years sped by, we’d been torn apart by you,

The substances had won, in our battle for you,

They took you over, won your heart too,

But know that no matter what, I’ll try to be there for you.

No longer can it be as your daughter, but as a friend for you.

Yes you never needed me, and now I no longer need you,

Because as you can see, I learned and lived without you…

*************************************

The call I feared had come, and they told me about you,

That you are no longer here, life has made peace with you,

And by my 21st birthday, I could not call you….

And thank you for giving me life, because I had lost you.

I don’t know if I did things right, or if I pleased you…

In your last moments of life, I hope you know I loved you.

I still cannot tell anyone, that I have lost you,

My heart has been so sacred, my soul has been shut too.

There are no words to describe, what I have felt for you,

What I have learned, and the emotions I have from you.

The memories will stay forever, I could never forget you,

The good and the bad, the ugly and the sad too.

I learned at a young age, a long life lesson from you,

That no matter what, I could change no one, not even you,

I understand now why you left, because you knew you,

And that you’d destroy us, if we all stayed with you,

And you felt you weren’t worthy…. No second chance for you…

That maybe you’d done the worst…. Betrayed all of us and you.

But you deserved a second chance, which is why I came to you,

And slept in that hospital room, and cried and cried for you.

And I had come to let you know, because I just had to…….

That through all that has happened…. Yes…. I forgive you.

RIP Mom: December 25 1965 – August 3 2010