The only other thing is Nothing

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 01-21-2025

“When you don’t want it anymore, but you don’t know anything else. It’s a loop of hell that consumes you. When you free yourself, you strip away the torture, but you strip away your identity along with it.” -EaE

Thirteen months ago I had my more recent break up. I remember, as usual, I would go to work with dread. I wanted to get through those difficult work days so badly. After all, I was grieving while talking to mentally ill patients. When the work day ended I remember feeling a sense of relief, only to feel dread right after. I was sad to go to work. I was sad to be at work. I was sad while heading home because home reminded me of the traumatic aftermath of that break up. Home was haunted. The break up I had in Brooklyn (My ex ex) at least offered me a glimpse & sliver of hope, as I was moving from NYC back to CA. But this time, I had no hope. I either felt completely sad and hopeless, or I felt nothing at all. There was no connection. There was no more love. There was no more purpose. What was scary is that I did not feel the slightest bit compelled to try to regain anything back. I was done. I went on autopilot. Going through the motions of the days in a situation that felt like it would last forever. My father was my rock during this time.

I made sure to get myself back into therapy ASAP. And through the months I reached out to my friends and family when I wasn’t hiding in my shell. I traveled, I talked to people. I worked out more regularly, once again. I went on a dating app, but that did not last long. I didn’t feel the urge to meet anyone. I started to write darker poetry. I read some self help books. I made sure that this time when I felt lonely, I actually sat in the lonliness without giving into the compulsion to immediately hunt for a dopamine source. My therapist helped me work tirelessly on my new non negotiables and boundaries because, clearly they were not working for me. As my dating history showed a reoccuring pattern of me giving into what my exes wanted only to be stuck in situations I was not happy in. This is also known as fawning and self abandonment.

When someone has a history of serial dating/ relationships, and they finally commit to being single for a good while, they learn new things about themselves. I would say very quickly I learned why I compulsively dove into relationships head first. That initial feeling of lonliness is excruciatingly painful. Even when you know it’s for the best (the break up), your body and mind will still go through severe withdrawals. This part of the experience is so miserable that many people will take their exes back, or they will jump into rebound relationships with new people rather quickly. Because anything feels better than ‘nothing’. Sometimes ‘misery feels better than peace. Sometimes, suffering feels familiar while ‘peace’ will build tension/ suspense. Relationships for me were no longer bearable, therefore I chose what I considered the ‘lesser of two evils’; singlehood.

I changed other aspects of my life as well. When I wanted to do more drugs, I chose to do less drugs. When I wanted to look at a man until he got the hint and flirted, I instead chose to avert my eyes and act like he didn’t exist. When I wanted to give in and help someone, I chose to walk away and let them figure it out for themselves. When I felt compelled to overwork, I chose to sit in more silence. The hardest thing of all? When I wanted to run away from my life, I forced myself to sit in the normalcy of it. Work, pay bills, come home, workout a bit. Write, and maybe cook…. and do other important chores that I had been putting off. The best thing I’ve done in the past thirteen months? I nearly eliminated all of my to do lists and my financial debt. This could only be accomplished because I had no one else to think about except for myself.

Minimize and Shrink

Deep down, I know that it is not my fault what happened. I provided for and took care of my ex to the best of my ability, and yet he still chose to drug binge and sabotage our relationship. However, I have a natural guilt that I have carried since toddlerhood. It stems from a sense of never being wanted, and feeling like I was a burden to those around me. Hence, I still blame myself to some degree. I was in the relationship too… after all. I didn’t feel deserving of the house I had bought. I did not want it either, as it felt haunted by the ghost of boyfriends past. I sold it. I chose to move to a much much smaller place, I do not ‘deserve anything lavish’. I also did not want the responsibility of too much space, or too many things. I decluttered and got rid of soooo many items. Good riddance. I also broke up with a former friend who was also suffering from a substance abuse issue and kept pushing/ coercing me into enabling their habit. I just kept shedding and shedding and getting rid of things until my entire environment and my entire life looked completely foreign and unfamiiliar.

‘Why do I deserve good things when so many people are suffering?” This is still a question that haunts me. Why is ‘having nothing’ so terrifying, that I settle for misery loves company instead? Why did I fear that peace and solitude would lead to misery? And why did I seek out things that actually led to misery? The only other thing beyond chaos appeared to be, nothing at all. And so many times in the past thirteen months, I have sat in nothing. No stimulation. No boyfriend. No dates. No prospects. No attention. No drama. No problem to solve. No fire to put out. Nothing but my own chaotic thoughts. But, beyond the sense of having nothing and being lonely, there is room for growth. Think of it in the sense that a fire scorched down your entire land and left you with nothing. Something new will grow, but it will take time. And if we’re being smart about it, we will not let it grow back exactly the same. A new foundation may require new crops. Change. It’s not ‘nothing’, it is something completely different. But, it feels like nothing when you are freshly grieving.

What stops many of us in our tracks? Fear. We suffer a lot because we fear that on the other side of suffering is an even deeper type of suffering. But, this keeps us frozen and unable to find better for ourselves.

Here are some other great quotes on this topic:

We tend to prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty” – Virginia Sati

Adversity is like a strong wind, it tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.” – Arthur Golden

A picture I took when I ventured out to the Salton Sea (also where me and my ex got fake married)

You’re probably slacking on your New Years Resolution, aren’t you?

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 01-15-2025

“Growth/ maturity is getting older and realizing that everything you feared, and everything you judged, will happen to you. And the best qualities that you can have during your humility journey are grace and gratitude.” -EaE

There is no such thing as an endless supply of motivation. So, if you are wondering why you are not motivated to meal prep, workout more, read more, journal more, walk more, self care more, hustle more, there is no need to wonder; it’s called being a regular human. Humans have limitations. Where motivation ends, discipline takes over. If you don’t have the discipline for it, it could be because: a- The goal was extremely unrealistic and unnattainable, b- You actually do not care for the goal, you just set it because it is something you ‘oughta do’/ c- your life changed unexpectedly and subsequently, so did your priorities/ d- You forgot/ or e-you’re struggling with what are known as ‘mental stuckpoints’ that impede on your ability to accomplish the goal.

A: The goal was extremely unrealistic and unnattainable. An example of this could be someone that is going from ‘not working out at all, to trying to workout 5-7 days a week’. From no momentum to too much momentum; soreness and burnout. This can perpetuate overdoing/ underdoing cycles. This by default, will make it very hard to become consistent. The underdoing part of the cycle can also promote shame and lead to quitting. Good goals are boring goals. They won’t necessarily get your brain dopamine spiked up, but they will be practical enough to stay consistent. If you don’t workout, I would recommend starting with 1-2X a week and maybe work your way up from there. If you want to cut out sugar or carbs, I wouldn’t recommend cutting them out completely. Maybe start with one sugar/ carb snack that causes the urge to binge more. One small step at a time. Change is hard, and too often people try to make drastic changes in short periods of time. ‘Crash diets’ and ‘crash workout plans’ crash for a reason.

B: You actually do not care for the goal, you just set it because it is something you ‘oughta do’. Do you actually want this goal? Why? What is the purpose and why does it matter to you? Go back to your why. Refocus. Explore your intentions. If you really do not care for the goal, why did you set it in the first place? Societal pressure? Peer or family pressure? Is it because ‘New years told you to do so’? (Cultural/ traditional pressure) If you establish that you do not care for the goal, would you be willing to set a different goal? One that actually pulls at your curiosity and gives you an inkling of passion?

C: Your life changed unexpectedly and subsequently, so did your priorities. This just makes sense. It happens. I’m sure some of the fire victims in L.A. had resolutions, but now, their lives are drastically altered and they have been forced into survival mode. And there are many people around the country and the world that are going through natural disasters, job loss, financial crisis, domestic violence, losing people & dealing with grief etc. When life throws a crisis at you, plans must change. Now your basic needs for survival are the priority and a self development goal is a luxury reserved for those that are still in stable/ good standing. I’m sorry for your troubles and I hope you have a positive/ strong support system to help you through these times.

D- You forgot. It happens, maybe you are often forgetful. Or maybe you are very busy right now. Maybe you are on autopilot because of a very busy lifestyle, so you really just forgot. What’s the barrier(s) to the goal? Why are you forgetting? What is distracting you? Netflix? Social media? Family? Friends? Is working taking up most of your life? If it’s not an external thing, is it a mental or emotional distraction?

E- You’re struggling with what are known as ‘mental stuckpoints’ that impede on your ability to accomplish the goal. Yes, our brain can actually stop our body from taking action. Our brain can prevent our body from moving. I often tell my patients that “The mind can force the body, but the body cannot force the mind.” Meaning, we can push ourselves with mental fortitude. An athlete can use their mind to push themselves past exhaustion. A college student can deprive themselves of sleep to cram for a test even if they’re tired. A person can accomplish a work task that they have never done before. Maybe it’s scary and makes them anxious, but they can harness courage and intelligence to learn and get it done. However, if our mind does not want to, it cannot make our body do anything. If your mind does not want to get up, your body won’t move. If your mind does not want to learn a new instrument, your body cannot make it. To go more in depth on how mental illness can perpetuate stuckpoints, I’ll expand a bit.

E1: Anxiety forces people into an unpredictable future, it can stop a person in their tracks. It can start with anxious thinking. “What if I try to accomplish this goal but I fail?” “What if it’s dangerous and I get hurt?” “What if people judge me while I try?” These are thoughts that could perpetuate fear to a point that a person decides ‘it is not worth the risk’ all together. It can lead to procrastination, or giving up entirely. Then there are the physiological s/x of anxiety which include labored breathing, muscle tension, chest palpitations, headaches, shakiness. The mental impacts the physical, the physical turns right back around and impacts the mental more. The only way to build the confidence to counteract the anxiety is to set mini goals and accomplish them; proving to yourself that you do have the capacity to set a goal and see it through while staying safe. I had a client that was so agoraphobic that going outside felt impossible. She started by going to check the mail. Then by going down the block. Then one day going around the block etc.

E2: Depression robs people of the ability to engage in positive thinking or even feel a sense of hope and purpose. If the mentality becomes ‘what’s the point?’, or “I don’t even care”, then it would be very hard to feel motivated to accomplish any task. If basic daily tasks become exhausting, then self improvement will feel impossible. I usually call my walks ‘zombie walks’. Where I would force myself to put my shoes on and force myself out the door to walk. Since my depression impaired my psychomotors, I looked like a zombie trying to wobble my way toward a food source. Depression/ low motivation requires the ‘elimination of as many barriers as possible’. Putting on shoes and tying them feels too hard? I have slip on sneaker shoes (Barefoot is one of my favorites to recommend). Putting on a sports bra is hard and exhausting? I have ultra stretchy sports bralettes. (Aerie) You cannot fathom doing an intense workout while exhausted? Try mild to moderate. Warm up into it and see what you can do.

E3: PTSD robs people of the present moment. The body and mind are so heavily triggered and focused on survival that ‘nothing else can matter’ besides surviving. Safety first. Are you in a safe environment that affords you the luxury to accomplish your goals? Can you maintain focus or are you triggered which results in your brain/ body getting hijacked with adrenaline, cortisol and racing intrusive thoughts? Are you surrounded by safe people that encourage you to go after your goals and rarely interfere? Are you able to prioritize your health/ self care? Are you able to acknowledge your limitations and work around them? And though it is hard to maintain fitness and/ or hobbies when you have PTSD, I would also say that because you have PTSD, it means you need to do it more. Your mind needs a break and a distraction from ‘being in your head 24/7’ with traumatic memories.

E4: ADHD disrupts focus as well as the ability to complete tasks. Now that I have been working with ADHD more in primary care, I’ve learned something very important. If someone has ADHD, it ought to be addressed and/ or medicated first. If the ADHD does not get managed, it’s next to impossible for the patient to work on any interventions and/ or any other mental health concerns they may have. Many people with ADHD go through bouts of hyperfocusing on one thing and forgetting about/ neglecting everything else. Or, the inability to focus at all, which causes them to run around only accomplishing 1/4 – 1/2 of each goal. But, they are then unable to complete anything all the way through. The same thing might come up for a New years goal! Like all other mental health conditions, if this has become debilitating, seek professional help in the New Year!

Let’s make this a great 2025!

My Sound Bath

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-23-2024

Starting yoga a few months ago was not something I was doing out of excitement. It was something I was doing because I felt a need that I figured only the art of yoga might fulfill. The art of letting go, surrender, clearing my mind in a way that nothing else could. I needed to drown out & silence the outside world. But, more importantly, I needed to get my mind to shut the hell up. The stretching felt good, the peace and calm felt great. But something surprised me even more. The sound bath. One of my favorite instructors likes to do this sound bath at the end of most of her classes with the large white bowls and instruments. I was shocked the first time I experienced this. I felt the loud noises move through my body, and involuntary spasms started to occur. I also noticed heavy emotional reactions as well as intrusive trauma memories; like a fast slide show of my trauma memories were flashing through my mind at a rapid pace.

There was a part of me that wanted to reject this process, but, I chose to lean into it. I started eagerly going back to yoga for more relaxation followed by my intrusive memory sound baths. They became more vivid. I remember in my first Yin & sound practice my body went into a deep state of relaxation. When the sound bath occurred I remember the large bowl creating a ‘siren’ like noise that sent me back to my Afghanistan deployment back in 2012. It sounded a lot like the siren that went off when we were being bombed/ attacked by enemy combatants on our FOB. My mind started to flash with visions/ memories.

Memories included being under a concrete cinderblock staring up at the moon through the crevice as people squeezed in from left to right; crushing me as the bombs kept hitting the base. Then flashes of other images during the deployment. Me being startled awake by a VBIED threatening the barrier of our base. An F16 jet and Apache helicopters shooting down at our enemy combatants to rescue us. Seeing a dead man on a litter and a soldier comforting an Afghan local because the dead man was his friend; solemn. Seeing our patient’s hopeless eyes before he left the clinic, and eventually shot himself later in the night with his M16. Seeing his coffin with a flag draped on top of it being carried into the C17. The whistling sounds from mortors, gun shot sounds. The Afghan national army soldiers and the way they looked at me (and all women in the military). The jarry feeling of walking or driving by people with guns that will not stop staring. And you are told that they are the ‘ally’, but you never know, they could ‘be the enemy so always watch your back.’

My eyes flutter, my body convulses a bit. It is not voluntary, it’s an energy that is piercing through me. And for some reason, my mind has to process these traumas again per the music from the bowl. Per the sound vibrations. Then, when it’s over, a few tears are pouring out. And the yoga instructor tells us it’s time to incorporate gentle movement back into our bodies. I do feel a release and a sense of relief. I am never quite sure why this is so effective but it is. I ask my instructor after my 4th class if this is normal. She starts to discuss the ‘Chakras’ and how our energy becomes compromised throughout our lives. With stressors and traumas. The sound vibrations serve as a sort of ‘release’.

I eventually notice that my mind was getting through the combat trauma processing. Why? Because eventually, my intrusive childhood trauma memories started to play out. Flashes of incidents that happened during the timeframe that my Bio Mom had custody of me and my brother. Flashes of different places we lived, different boyfriends she had. The unkind ones. Getting physically abused as a toddler. Getting abandoned. Seeing so many adults around me with scowls on their faces. Hunting for food with my brother and learning how to feed ourselves. Or worse, having no choice but to trust strangers to help us. Growing up feeling like a burden to everyone around me, as I was a very ‘unwanted child’ during the prevalent ‘first five years’. (Mental health professionals theorize that attachment disorders develop during the first five years of a childs life)

Then eventually, flashes of domestic violence from my ex fiance. How he shoved me to the ground when I was trying to leave our apartment right in front of his 3 year old toddler. All of the screaming and name calling he did. Tearing me down with his words and intentially destroying my almost non existent self esteem. Then, the horrific way in which my more recent relationship ended; my ex drug binging, taking off for long periods of time. Literally recreating my childhood right before my very eyes. Having to break up with someone that I still loved because I decided that respect is more important than love. Selling the first house I bought as it felt haunted with memories of us. Selling that house may as well have been me selling all of my dreams. I always wanted my own home and it was the most beautiful time of my life, until it wasn’t.

Lately, I have been having less intrusive trauma memories during my sound baths. Now it’s turning into pleasant fantasies and day dreams. I believe this may be a good sign. Also I have been experiencing more eye fluttering. “Energy release: Some believe that eye flutters during a sound bath represent the release of stored emotional energy, particularly related to the “third eye” chakra area on the forehead” (https://www.google.com/search?q=eye+flutters+during+sound+baths&sca_esv=1). So naturally, I wanted to know more about my ‘Third eye chakra”. The “Third Eye activation occurs when meditation techniques stimulate the Third Eye Chakra by sending energy and awareness to it. When you focus awareness and energy via meditation, the brain, nervous system, and all of your mental functions become relaxed, purified, enlivened, and strengthened” (https://www.bigshakti.com/third-eye-ajna-chakra-power-to-enlighten#What-is-third-eye). This is very good news as I have a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil stored up due to having PTSD and being a mental health professional where I still listen to trauma/ grief stories on a weekly basis.

To say that I recommend yoga and sounds baths would be an understatement! But, I do believe that people have to be ready and open to it. In my twenties, you would have never caught me in a yoga class. Because it didn’t seem ‘high intensity’ to me, I saw it as a waste of time. But now, I am doing yoga 1-2X a week, to balance out my brazilian jiu jitsu 1-2X a week. And it is quite interesting how these two sports oppose and balance each other out. In BJJ, focus is imperative. We need lazer focus to make sure we protect ourselves from people trying to hurt us. You have to get the techniques down perfectly. You have to become obsessed. In yoga, we let everything go. No more perfection, no more obsession, it’s the ultimate surrender.

Below is the attachment to the website for my Yoga studio for anyone that is local!

https://www.earthyogaandspa.com/

Be Merry

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-18-2024

When we enter the Holiday Season, I like to encourage my patients to “make the Holidays whatever they need it to be”. Do you need to grieve? Grieve. Do you need to keep it low key because you are overwhelmed? Okay. Are you in a celebratory mood and you would love nothing more than to decorate? Okay. The holidays should be whatever you need to make them based off of your mental health, financial situation, and psychosocial circumstances. There’s a much higher need to filter out societal, family and romantic pressure’s. Whether you cannot afford presents or decor, or you do not have an intimate partner to enjoy the time with, or you do not have the time or income to visit everyone. Somewhere along the lines, most of us will ‘fall short’. I hope we can enjoy it regardless. Even in micro doses.

To travel or Not to travel? There’s pros and cons to this. If you have the energy and finances to travel, and you want to visit friends or family that are not local, that is understandable. Go for it! If you cannot travel, that is okay too. I personally dislike traveling over the Holidays. I dislike the traffic, I dislike how everything is more expensive because companies know that they can get away with it. Planning something to do at home or somewhere local can be fun. We don’t really have to ‘hunt down the Holidays’, they are brought to us. There is no mandate on where you go or how you choose to spend your time. You can bring the Holiday to your home as well.

Presents and/ or quality time: Think love languages, how we show love is what is most important. Sometimes it’s through gifts, or quality time, or acts of service. We can get creative with our gifts, it does not have to be expensive. It does not have to be a new item persay. It can be family game time, arts or crafts that you made from scratch. It can be through some home made cooking. It can involve walking or driving around and looking at christmas lights. Gifts are often seen as items. But on the contrary, gifts can be visual, a gift can be the fact that we are spending time with people we love. A gift can be feeding our time with activities that calm our souls.

Single during the Holidays: The Holidays tend to cater a bit more to people that are married with kid’s. There are many wonderful family rituals. Embrace your spouse’s & kid’s! If you are single and/ or going through a divorce; the story will be different for you. Grieving relationships during the holiday is brutal. This happened to me last year when I dealt with a break up just 11 days before Xmas of 2023. I couldn’t even be around a christmas celebration last year. What helped was my support system. I isolated but I contacted & facetimed many of my friends and family members; they can truly be helpful when you are going through grief. Of course, make sure you are connecting with the right people. People that are actually supportive vs hyper critical.

Food and Drink: Have you ever tried to go on a ‘diet’ during the Holidays? It’s next to impossible. Between October 31st to New Years day is a rough time for people that are hoping to manage their weight. Or, for people that are trying to cut back on alcohol. On one hand, give yourself some grace because there are far too many appetite and emotional triggers during the Holidays. On the other hand, still care about your health despite the extra temptation. You can have the proper nutrients still, even if you spent the morning binging on leftover Holiday goodies. You can still workout, on the days before and after the Holiday. Or even on the Holiday! I love working out on Holidays because I have the time off! Hence, more energy/ time to actually get a workout in.

Boundaries; they don’t vanish just because it’s a Holiday: One of the fastest ways to destroy Holiday cheer is to pressure and guilt trip friends or family members into spending time with you and/ or getting you gifts. Everyone is scrambling for a plan so that they don’t have to feel lonely. Sometimes ugly personality traits or defense mechanisms come out to play. Let’s remember that respect is very important. Respect that not everyone is in the same place; mentally, financially and in proximity. Respect that everyone has the right to self determination and freedom of will, yes even people related to us by blood. If I get upset around the Holidays for something small such as someone being too busy for me, or unable to get me a present, I know that I need to look inward and check my ego.

A Reasonable New years resolution: The SMART goal is destribed as simplistic, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. It’s boring, yes. It isn’t as exciting as those crash workout plans or crash diets. But, it’s better because of the longetivity that is associated with sustainable goals that we can actually fit into our schedule. For the people that never meet their New years resolutions, the issue is one of two things. 1- They do not actually want to do that goal. 2- The goal will not realistically fit into their lifestyle. If someone wishes and expects themselves to perform miracles, but then they remind themselves once again that they simply human, they set themselves up for shame sabotage. You can absolutely set a goal/ resolution that you can meet! Make sure that it aligns with your wants, needs, values, and schedule.

Veterans helping Veterans

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ November 2024

This years Veterans day blog is very simple. I asked Veterans to offer advice to military members that are close to getting out of the military and/ or brand new veterans that recently got out of the military. We need to stay proactive in building our veteran community and it starts with becoming the mentors we never had.

“Do not bottle stuff in. Definitely do not drink alcohol. Don’t give your entire heart to someone. Talk about things.” Brock Melvin/ USMC Vet

“Transitioning from active military to civilian life can be extremely challenging, no matter if you served four years or twenty. Connecting with veterans that have made that transition successfully is extremely important. Going through a mentorship program can be very helpful in deciding on and achieving your next chapter. Lastly, be your own champion, look into resources, connect. Ask for help and support when you need it. Veterans will always support one another.” -Khana Sudranski/ USAF Vet

“To all the new veterans stepping into civilian life: first, take a moment to acknowledge the incredible journey you’ve been on. The skills, discipline, and resilience you developed during your service are powerful assets that will serve you well in this next chapter. Transitioning can feel overwhelming, but remember that it’s okay to seek support from fellow veterans, mentors, or organizations dedicated to helping you adjust. Take the time to explore your passions, pursue new skills, and build a support network. The civilian world may seem different, but you’ve already proven your ability to adapt. Stay patient, keep an open mind, and trust that this is just the beginning of a new adventure, one where your unique experiences will continue to shape your success.” -Naveen Kumar/ Navy Vet

“Best advice is have some kind of plan or strategy on the way out. Don’t just assume you’ll find a job or live off the GI bill. Start planning your exit way before you leave. Also consider the reserves because that is potential employment if you need it.” -Lorenzo Soto/ USAF Vet

“Take all of your medical records for screening prior to getting out to see if you qualify for healthcare and other types of benefits.” Ed Escalante/ USMC Vet

“Use your terminal leave to take some time off, but have a set time for that break to end. Use that time to recharge and reflect on both your military career and your future endeavors. Live it up a little and enjoy life. Then be ready for a different kind of grind back in the civilian world. It’s hard but don’t be discouraged, you have a lot of skills and qualities your civilian counterparts don’t. Show up, show out and continue to improve your life!” – Ray Lea/ USAF Vet

“If I could do it all over, I would have not gotten married while I was in service until I was more senior enlisted and simply more mature in life. Not being able to fully dedicate myself to the job in mind, spirit, and body became a challenge in the early years effecting not only my marriage but also my ability to perform at my full potential. Choose wisely who you give yourself to physically, emotionally, and legally. You are worth the wait!” -Dr. Johnny M. Medina, DSW/ USMC

“Make sure you connect with other veterans who have also gotten out so that you can find camaraderie amongst each other. And you can also help each other navigate and learn about veteran benefits.” – Bre Gaudit/ Army Vet

“First, decide your immediate goals; jump into employment, or start using educational benefits? Be sure to network regardless. It can feel awkward, but having connections is your best bet in getting hired after the military and/ or college. Remember that your benefits cover many trade and technical schools as well now; which can be quite lucrative and are worthy of serious consideration.” – Elizabeth Forest/ USAF Vet

“Make sure you always go to medical treatment when you need it, and ignore the toxic work culture.” -Ben Larkin/ Navy Vet

“We need to stand on positivity and constructive habits. This includes working out, training, martial arts, community, service, and mentoring of our current active duty members. Also a strong sense of faith in a higher power. Steering clear of drugs and alcohol is paramount. Often these are used as a crutch. Fighting our demons isn’t easy, but fighting an addiction makes it even harder. Lastly, do not be afraid to reach out to those of us that have been through this, it’s not a weakness, it’s an alliance!” – Mark Geletko / USMC Vet

“First of all, welcome home. There are going to be hurdles throughout your transition. A Vet center will help you navigate through some of those hurdles. Vet centers are clinics that serve veterans that suffer from combat related PTSD and/ or Military sexual trauma (MST). They offer readjustment counseling services and connections to resources and community partners in your local area. They (Vet centers) welcome veterans with warm arms and empathy.”- Victor Dendariarena/ Army Vet

“Don’t Kill Yourself.” – Joshua Dean/ USAF Vet

“To the new veterans, some words of advice.
When you first get out, it’s not gonna be easy to transition. This is the real world, and they don’t know anything about the military. You’re going to have to be patient with people because civilians aren’t trained like us. Don’t come out here demanding respect because the civilians don’t understand it. Don’t go back to your old ways, know your worth . Use your military skills to move forward in life. And if it gets too hard or you need someone to talk to, don’t be afraid to ask. Go to your local VA and start your paperwork. You earned it.” -Orlando Ramos/ USMC Vet

“Don’t get distracted, take advantage of every opportunity the military has to offer. Keep your records straight, document everything. Don’t tie yourself down right away, the BAH ain’t that good. Don’t let the long days and deployments discourage you, you are making life long friendships, talk about the things that need to be talked about and try to make a difference while you are in.
We are one team, so we are one fight. For the ones getting out, get those medical records straight and file for disability right away when you get out. Don’t let a single day pass where you don’t work toward your benefits, resources or compensation!” -Rachel Braden/ Navy Vet

“Do not do it alone. Reach out and find other veterans who have been out and successfully navigated transition. Don’t be too proud to ask for help.” Michael Parker/ USMC Vet

“Have a plan! It sounds obvious, but if you are planning on leaving the military then there must be a reason. Whatever that reason is, do as much as you can to prepare. This way when you get out you have a sense of direction and one less thing to figure out.” -Alex Alvarado/ USAF Vet

“Listen Up, You are forever a Soldier, Sailor, Airman, or Marine. Those are not your identity but are a part of you and have made you something a little different than before you Joined. That is a Good Thing!! When you start the new journey out of Uniform do not discard the tools and skills that you gained, to be successful you truly have all you need within!! Keep your closest Military Allies and Mentors in your circle. Find new circles as well. You are capable of continued growth; you got this. Once again, don’t drop your pack inventory; keep the tools! Semper Fi.” – anonymous USMC Vet

“Adaptability is the greatest skill you developed. You just don’t know it yet. But you will soon. Because nothing will go quite according to plan. And your life will soon go from structured to free. From being surrounded by other people that are “under orders”, to being free around free people. Getting out of the military requires shedding and grieving while simultaneously transforming. Another complication is that many of us veterans isolate. But do not hesitate to ask us questions. We will share when/ if we are asked the hard questions.” -Elisa Escalante/ USAF Vet

What I tell my patients

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-23-2024

There is no way to ever fully explain the magic that goes on in the therapy or consultation room. But, most therapists have their go to phrases, sayings, or feedback that has helped patients make more ground breaking revelations or soothed them during hard times. Not everything I say comes from me. I’ve also learned many concepts from my patients, supervisors, work peers and my own therapists. I’m always working to improve my personal therapy style so that I can be the best for my clientelle. For today’s blog I will be sharing some of the questions and feedback that has helped my patients during heavy sessions.

“If it doesn’t make sense, it’s because it doesn’t make sense. And it does not make sense when people are trying to manipulate you, gaslight you into questioning your reality. Read between the lines. Forget what they are saying for a minute. What are their actions telling you?”

‘Some people have it worse…’ -“This is just a deflection statement that people use when they want to avoid your emotions & their emotions too. Primarily because they don’t have proper feedback or they are emotionally immature”.

“Irrational is not an accurate word when you fear a person or the world that harmed you and/ or almost killed you. It’s actually very rational to have more fear of the world after trauma(s).”

“Do you still believe your abuser? What do you believe about what they told you? Why do you still believe it? And, why do you believe they abused you in the first place? Let’s guess what led to them deciding to become an abuser. Let’s remember that what they said to you was never rooted in any reality; it was ill intent.”

“You’re at a fork in the road and both options are shitty. This is a double edged sword situation because no matter which path you choose, it will be hard.” (this comes up a lot during break up/ divorce situations especially when kid’s are involved)

“You can cry while you work. You can cry while you do homework. You can cry while you do chores. You can cry while you workout. There’s no law that says you have to fake happy all the time.”

“Anyone can force something to ‘work’, it does not mean it’s healthy.” (pertaining to toxic relationships)

“Mental health conditions are chronic in nature. We don’t use language like ‘fix’ and ‘cure’. It’s not like medical where there is a direct injury/ disease/ virus and a concrete way to treat it. Mental health is ‘What is the issue? And what are all of the contributing factors? And how can we MANAGE it?” The trajectory of a mental health journey is never upward and linear.”

“Why should you” or “Why Must you” or “Why do you have to?” (Anytime someone uses a must/ should/ have to statement; a very common cognitive approach)

‘What is the purpose of time off? And, do you feel like you deserve it?” (I’m actually quite shocked about how few people even know how to comprehend or answer this. But then again, this is America…” Answer: “The purpose of time off is: rest, relaxation, restoration, and burnout prevention. And yes, all humans deserve this and require it.”

“Feelings are always facts. They are emotions, they are how you feel. They are what they are. Thoughts are what can be fabricated, and often times, habitual.”

“The common theme between a parent and a child is that the child is often a barrier to the parents self care time, and the parent is often a barrier to the child’s fun. This is why the dynamic is often complex and full of ups and downs.”

“The hardest thing about depression is that to treat it, it requires you to do literally everything you DO NOT want to do because you are depressed.”

“Statistically, it is impossible for you to always be wrong. If someone makes you feel like you are always wrong, they are manipulating you. Statistically, it is also impossible for you to always be right. And for anyone else you know, they are never always right or always wrong.”

“What does an adult and a teen have in common? They both want what they want, when they want it. The only difference is that the adult can do what they want, while the teen is still at the mercy of their parents rules.”

“Men are often taught to suppress their emotions, while women are often taught to hate themselves.”

“Crazy is a very broad term, and the majority of mental illnesses are not actually psychotic in nature.”

“You already have your parents, your teachers, your guidance counselors and your coaches telling you what to do all day. I will never tell you what you have to do, and I will never punish you.” (to the kid and teen patients)

“Babies don’t offer a lot of positive reinforcement. You can literally do everything right, feed and change the baby. Keep the baby alive. And the baby might still flip out and throw a tantrum despite all of your best efforts. But, you are DOING the job right.” (To the post partum Mom’s with parenting shame/ guilt)

“I don’t believe in the terms ‘going backwards’ or ‘starting over’. You can’t go back in time. You are on a new path with more tools and more wisdom. This isn’t a set back, it’s a ‘flair up’ of mental health symptoms. But, you also know how to manage them better.”

“The mistake most people make is that they try to deny or avoid their mental illness. I’m telling you to get to know your mental illness. Learn the ins and outs, make that mental illness your friend. Say ‘hi’ to it when it comes back. Learn exactly what it feels like, how to manage it, how to talk to yourself during an episode. Getting to know yourself is the best thing you will ever do.”

The Rainbow after the Storm

10-13-2024

Interviewer: Elisa Escalante/ LCSW

Interviewee: Katie Sheynkman

Intro: Katie is one of my closest long term friends. We met in early 2015 at an MMA gym in Brooklyn. We bonded over grappling and punching each other in the face. We also bonded over relationship drama and break ups. We are there for each other during the hard times. Through the years, I have seen my amazing friend do grappling competitions, give birth to two babies, work her way up through management positions in retail, and stay strong through anxiety and traumatic grievances. Currently she is a manager at a CVS in NYC, and she is kill-in it as a single working Mom. She was open to being interviewed for my blog primarily because she wants to help give wisdom to other women that may have suffered the loss of a child due to a stillbirth. While also simultaneously parenting a child/ children through debilitating grief. The dedication it takes to be a parent while grieving the hardest loss imaginable… I cannot put that into words.

Elisa Q: So Katie, let’s start with your hobbies! Katie A: Before becoming a parent: Mixed martial arts, comic books, traveling with friends, foodie. / Post partum hobbies: Party planning, decorating, cooking, still traveling, but now with my son and family!

Katie on Stillbirth Trauma: I lost Grayson on September 24, 2019. The day I was going through labor, my doctor didn’t believe I was actually in labor. I started to bleed at home and ended up rushing myself to the hospital. By then it was too late. They told me he didn’t have a heartbeat, but I thought “he would be fine” if we just had an emergency C section. I suffered from Preeclampsia which resulted in the loss of Grayson. At the time, I had no idea what Preeclampsia even was. I was never in my life informed about the risks of that condition. This was my first pregnancy and I just did not know. After the doctor informed me “there was no heartbeat”, I was in shock. I shutdown and had no words. Like, I couldn’t even believe that it was my life.

Katie on Post stillborn recovery/ grief: I became a mom, but I did not get to play the part. So it always felt like there was this emptiness; this hole that needed to be filled. Time might heal, but it still leaves a scar. Coping was not easy. I think hope, more than anything else got me through that time. And some of my family members and friends were a great support.

Katie on Second Pregnancy/ Rainbow Baby: After two years, we felt we were ready to try for another baby. Once I found out I was pregnant, I felt both excitement and fear.

Elisa Q: And what type of coping tools did you use during that time to manage your anxiety and physical health?

Katie A: a lot of walks, to include dog walking. I got a lot of fresh air. I meditated, I listen to Hypnobirthing audios. I also reached out to my friends and family whenever I felt anxious and needed affirmations. I hired a Doula to help me during pregnancy and labor & delivery.

Elisa’s recollection: Nathan (Katie’s 2nd baby) was born on June 11, 2022!!! During this time I was very nervous for her. I was in Iceland, and I specifically remember having a difficult time going to sleep because I knew she was in labor, and I was really hopeful that everything was going well. The moment I woke up and checked my phone I saw a picture of her and baby Nathan. I was so thrilled, because Katie is one of my friends that I could just tell; she is meant to be mom.

Elisa Q: So how was the beginning of your parenting journey with Nathan?

Katie A: the first 3 months were hell. Every time he was awake, he was crying always. Then, as soon as he hit three month old, it was like he was a whole different baby; more chill, more well-behaved. Plus, we started to recognize his cries.

Elisa Q: something I ask all post partum Moms; what were your top three most debilitating symptoms when you were freshly postpartum?

Katie A: Anxiety , sleep deprivation and loneliness.

Elisa Q: any comments on parenting a child while still grieving your first born?

Katie A: one of the harder things, is when I see Nathan playing with kids that are Grayson age, I immediately wonder what it would’ve been like if he had his older brother with him. It’s still hard to think about that.

Elisa: I know that you still do a lot to honor and remember your first born Grayson. Including going to the gravesite at least several times a year. I notice you also take Nathan sometimes and teach him how to help honor the memory of his brother.

Katie: yes, he is very young right now, so there is not much that he understands just yet. But I do believe it is important that he knows he is our second born, and he does have an older brother that is in heaven.

(Katie and the father of her two children broke up shortly before Nathan was born.)

Elisa Q: Any tips on healthy coparenting post break up?

Katie A: I think that communication and respect are the top two most important things. Because this other person that you are communicating with, is the other parent to your child. If you can’t respect them, who can you respect? Regardless of what happened, we don’t have to hate each other. And it’s better for our son when we work as a team.

Elisa: circling back to the topic of grief. Many people say that there are helpful things, and also very unhelpful things that people say or do during that fragile time. Do you have any specific examples on this?

Katie: Unhelpful- I had one family member that told me just one year after I lost Grayson that “It’s time to get over it.” And also they asked a question of: “you’re still thinking about that?” As if grief has a timeline. There was also some people that had no idea what to say, so they opted not to say anything at all. Which I find worse, I would’ve rather people reached out to offer condolences. Also, there are some people that try to compare my stillbirth to a miscarriage. And it’s just not the same thing. I’m not trying to dismiss what they went through, but it’s not the same. And I stand firm on that. / Helpful- The people that reached out and offered condolences definitely! There were also many people that sent items meant for honoring or memorabilia. Like ornaments or frames.

(Elisa: by the end of this interview I had a memory of someone from the gym sending me a condolence message for Katie via instagram. At the time it was only one day after Grayson passed, and I was afraid to send it to Katie. I asked Katie if she would like me to read it to her now, and she obliged. It was a beautiful heartfelt message that I will leave out of the interview. But Katie loved it and wanted to share her reaction)

Katie: That was so kind of her to say. It was definitely crazy to see just how many people were affected by my experience. People that barely knew me or were just acquaintances mentioned they cried. That they were thinking about me. It taught me just how many people have deep empathy when others are going through hard times.

Elisa Q: Lastly, what are your family values? And what types of morals and values do you want to raise Nathan with on your parenting journey?

Katie A: My values & morals for myself and Nathan include:

Adventure – always going on vacations
Empathy – understanding mental health and how others may feel
Kindness
Independence
Intelligence
Family

Vet Rise

10-6-2024

Interviewer: Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ Air Force (OEF) Veteran/ Martial artist/ Author

Interviewee: Juan Perez/ USMC (OEF) Veteran/ Chicago PD/ Entrepreneur; The Veteran online coaching program; The Vet Rise academy/ The Vet Rise Podcast

Intro: Juan Perez stood out to me initially on Instagram and TikTok. I couldn’t help but notice that his videos were both motivational and enticing. I wanted to hear what he had to say when it comes to being a veteran that is in the fragile process of transitioning into the civilian workforce. His veterans coaching business and veterans podcast are filled with great content. When I reached out and he agreed to let me interview him, I was definitely excited. I listened to one of his podcasts before I created my blog questions, which I will list in the links below in the conclusion section.

Elisa: How would you summarize The Vet Rise Academy if you had to give a quick elevator pitch?

Juan: The Vet Rise Academy focuses on helping veterans through their life after the military, with a focus on fitness and nutrition. The military forced us to do things a certain way and gave us structure and accountability in our daily lives. Then, after we pull away from the military, not only do we miss it, but often times we need to get it back.

Elisa: In your podcast, you mention in teenhood getting involved in gang related/ drug related activities and then getting arrested. What’s your sense of what led you to that place in your life? Was there any elements of childhood traumas?

Juan: I was looking for a community, and it just so happened to be in a gang. I was looking for a sense of belonging. I found out much later in life after getting a diagnosis of ADHD, that that likely played a huge factor in that decision. ADHD symptoms led me to being “prone to chaos”, so outwardly I was attracted to finding things that gave me structure, order, and a schedule. It’s also what led me to be interested in the military. Neurodivergence requires that the external environment keeps us on track; and that’s what the military did.

Elisa: You mentioned a mentor your senior year of HS that helped you make significant changes. I believe mentors are so crucial to growth & professional development and I always tell my teen clients to ‘choose their mentors wisely’. Especially because the world is full of people that give poor advice. How do you spot a good mentor? And, what do you believe makes you a great mentor?

Juan: A mentor is someone that is in your life, chooses to be your mentor, and is physically present. I think my mentor initially strived to help me because he could see himself in me. He had a very similar upbringing, similar traumas, and also went into the military to change his life. Also, a mentor should be someone that is in a place in their life, that we want to get to one day. My mentor asked me questions no one else did at that time. He asked me what I was going to do after HS; I had no idea. As far as me being a good mentor? I do believe I am a good mentor but I always let people know, I don’t have all the answers. I am still working toward self improvement. I’m always trying to learn. And I hope that my story can be someone else’s survival guide.

Elisa: You were an Infantry Marine for 7 years, you also deployed to Afghanistan in 2010 (Just two years before me). How did a combat deployment change your world view?

Juan: After I came home from combat, I had a newfound gratitude for even the smallest things in life. I saw the world through a completely different lens. I appreciated my parents and my upbringing a lot more. There were things that I could not comprehend when I was younger, that I was finally able to understand. Society is not as awful as we make it out to be, and I was also grateful to be able to come home with newfound accountability. I learned that I have a lot more control and say over my life than I originally thought.

Elisa: And now you are currently serving in Law enforcement. I have had veteran clients that transitioned into law enforcement and I always find it interesting to hear about the similarities and differences between the military and police training to include the environment and social norms. Do you have a personal preference between the two? Any pros and cons to share?

Juan: I originally wanted to work in law-enforcement when I was younger, especially because my mentor was also my criminal justice teacher. But I didn’t want it to be the only thing I was good at, I enlisted in the USMC first. The main Con is that I remained in a cycle of being an alpha male, overworking, excessive drinking, being an “asshole”, neglecting my marriage, staying angry. Both the military and law enforcement are organizations that sometimes normalize this. I was not yet addressing my mental health or going to therapy. The help is there, but we have to be open to it. The pro of going from military to law enforcement is still having that familiar structure. It keeps us on track with purpose and routine.

Elisa: How did you keep your entreprenurial spirit alive through military and police work? I’ve talked to other artists/ entrepeneurs about the difficulty we have with accessing our artistic/ creative mind when we serve…

Juan: I’ve had an entrepreneurial spirit since I was young. Even in high school, I started some businesses under the table. Like one of my first ones was a DJ business where me and my friends played music for parties. While I was in the military, I cut hair for my friends on the side. My challenge was the fact that I’ve always been sort of a “One Lane” type of person. Meaning, when I commit to something, it usually pulls in all of my focus. For example, as a cop, I came in early and stayed late. I made many arrests, I became a part of a gang investigation unit, I went under cover a few times. I was also hesitant to do anything on the side that could compromise my career, such as posting too much on social media. But, I did customize weapons as a side hustle because it was already in relation to my field. In 2022. My special unit was disbanded. And then I ended up working on the trains. This reminded me that in every career, we are disposable. So that’s when I really started to focus more on my veteran coaching business. I’m officially retiring from the Chicago PD in two months, and then I will be fully invested as an entrepreneur.

Elisa: You also discuss your struggles with alcoholism in the past, and mention you have been deeply committed to harm reduction this past year. Congrats! I often call alcohol ‘the powerful temporary potion’ for PTSD, as it medicates hyper arousal/ hypervigilance and insomnia. How did you start managing this addiction? What were your alternative coping outlets?

Juan: I was drinking when I would come home from work every day, which was a perpetuating factor that led to my first divorce in 2018. But at that time, I was excited and relieved to be able to go out, party, meet women and have the time of my life. It was a path of self sabotage. The main thing is recognizing that as we significantly decrease a drug, our body still requires some type of stimulant. The main coping that I used was working out, and reading; self-help books and biographies. Some of my favorite books include Atomic habits by James Clear, Extreme Ownership by Jocko, and 12 rules for life by JP. My focus became about changing my daily habits for the better.

Elisa: Is heavy work projects ever a form of escapism for you? I’ve worked with many Vetarans and a good majority develop work addictions. This is sometimes tied to the compulsion to avoid intrusive memories in our mind; grief, trauma & moral injury. What happens when you take a break and try to relax?

Juan: Absolutely. When I was diving into my heavy workload, I was not addressing my anger, ego, trauma, depression, and anxiety. From there perpetuating issues included weight gain, relationship problems, drinking to self medicate, ignoring my self care needs. Now I take a very different approach. I don’t work to escape. Now I view work as the means to be able to create more freedom for myself. More quality time with my kids and doing the things I love.

Elisa: I recently got on Tiktok and decided to become ‘The Break up Therapist’. My niche involves helping people through the difficulties of messy relationships/ break ups and divorces. You talked about some of your relationship history, to include a divorce. And now you are coparenting/ sharing custody. Any words of wisdom with how to survive divorce and how you ensure that you do not repeat the cycle?

Juan: Unfortunately, I repeated the cycle. I ended up having a second marriage and divorce. I didn’t do the self work I needed to do between marriages, and toxic tends to attract toxic. There was trauma bonding. By my second marriage, I invested a lot more in my self-care and self work journey. I did make changes. Sometimes when you work towards self improvement, the people around you won’t look at you the same way. I’ve learned that we do not have to rush into relationships or marriage. We don’t have to follow a playbook that society created. My advice through divorce is to ‘lean into yourself’. You don’t have to wait for it to be over to improve yourself. Your life doesn’t go on pause. And the best advice I received from Jocko during this time was to take the high road. Don’t get into a pattern of hurting someone just because they’re hurting you.

Elisa: And it sounds like we are both in therapy again! I’m glad for both of us on that. What’s your favorite thing about therapy so far?

Juan: Therapy is HARD! Thats the first thing I like about it. It allows me to open up, but also have that mirror of truth reflected back at me. It helps me build resilience and clarity, leading to better decision-making. Decisions that are less emotionally driven; logic driven choices instead.

Elisa: ‘Every Second counts’ was one of your opening inspirational quotes. How are you making every second count these days? And also, how do you avoid burnout when you have a full time job, kid’s, a side business etc?

Juan: The calendar is the tool. I plan and track time effectively, blocking out every hour for various activities including sleep, meals, and work. Efficiency and effectiveness are both crucial. And if something doesn’t work out, I will evaluate and adjust the schedule to ensure better effectiveness. It’s a daily check in, including a mental check in. The mindset has to shift from procrastination to action. I always tell people to look at the calendar as “the map to your future”. I personally don’t like empty space on the calendar. Because if I want every second to count, I have to make the conscious decision to commit to every second I have.

Conclusion: Juan Perez informed me that yesterday was the 2 year Anniversary of his Veteran coaching business! Let’s help him celebrate by signing up or referring a Veteran friend. See below for links to Juan’s business and social media handles.

Link to Vet Rise Academy:

https://17sqhhzzb9o.typeform.com/to/WmZkovCL?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR0UIlbaJNo-1T83d6HFqrtHR4OVocDfpS00NhLaYXR6MsIwgkROarCDppQ_aem_20dYxIp30-LPXTfxfKnQ-A&typeform-source=m.facebook.com

Instagram and Tiktok: JPtheveterancoach

Facebook: Juan Perez

Link to Podcast that helped prep me for todays interview:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-vetrise-podcast/id1734070797?i=1000665135475

The Situationship

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-02-2024

My friend showed me her journal entry about her mental struggles adapting to a situationship. She had allowed me to post the journal entry anonymously, and I will write my responses below the pictures.

I love this journal entry from my Friend, because it’s talking about something that is so foreign for some people, yet so common for others. The new norm of dating has turned into what people are calling situationships, and sometimes; delusion-ships. I tend to call them: The “Gray area” relationships. Meaning, the “Non nucleur” or “Non labeled”, “non titled” romantic relationships. It’s not marriage, it’s not engaged, it’s not “boyfriend or girlfriend” labeled, but … it’s NOT nothing either. There’s a connection. Dates. Maybe some romance. Maybe some fun. But is it simply “F@&k buddies…?” Nope. Because the rules of “f@&k buddies” are typically “sex only”, nothing else.

Many are theorizing that the new norm of the Situationship is a result of extensive childhood and relationship traumas. Not to mention the technological advancements of dating apps and social media. This has resulted in us learning a lot more about infidelity, and manipulation tactics that we should stay away from if we want to be emotionally safe in a relationship. Many more people now fear permanency and over commitment. However, it is still a natural human instinct to need connection. But, more people are realizing that romantic connection doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship has to turn into living together, talks of marriage, or even labels.

From what I read in the journal entry, my friend is now learning how to appreciate what is called the “ebb and flow” of love. The way it moves in and out of our life like an ocean wave. She’s also understanding that she cannot necessarily capture the love and trap it. Because it is not hers to catch and trap. Her situationship person has to voluntarily decide to give it to her; if that is what they want to do. She also reflects on how trying to capture and trap love and confine it by rules has caused more harm in the past than good. Whether this Situationship is forever or just temporary, I can see that there is growth in her emotional processing and in her thought process.

Another key take away, is that she almost did have the “nuclear family”. She wrote about the time in her life where she was living under one roof with the father of her child, and their baby. The “Norm”. The “what people should aspire to”. With the rules, and boundaries, and non negotiables, and expectations. Yet, it wasn’t forever. And many other people that go above and beyond this and get married, still suffer through divorce. Many before us and many after us will.

What we see through the experimentation of loving intimate relationships, is a bunch of humans trying to trap their love with rules and expectations. All the while maintaining the belief that it (the new relationship energy) will be permanent and forever. And though “forever” is technically a choice that two or more people have to make day after day, emotions and feelings aren’t a choice. Meaning, we cannot force someone to love us. We cannot force someone to stay in love with us. And a human cannot force themselves to love when they don’t feel loving. Hence, why we also see many miserably married couples that just refuse to divorce no matter how much it kills them inside; it’s to maintain the “permanence” and the illusion of a “happy forever marriage”. Or perhaps they value the concept of “forever marriage” more than they value their personal happiness.

Do I actually believe in happily ever after marriages? Sure, anything is possible. However, I do believe that it is extremely rare, and I don’t believe that everyone is actually meant for marriage. And in this case, the option of the situationship might be beneficial for those that do not fit into the nuclear category. After all, who are we to judge what “feels right” for someone else?

Half Awake

Elisa A Escalante / LCSW/ 08- 18-2024

I’m half awake. Only half at play. Only half yours. Only half this day …will be mine. Only half my mind. Only half my fears, just half this body …. is here. I’m for the sky’s. My true demise… is my soul is gone. But the flesh is fine. How am I still awake? Haven’t I learned to pray? Why fear what’s next… When I’m already gone? -EaE

It’s a brand new cranky wake up every morning. Another Ground hogs day. Repetition. I feel paralyzed upon waking up. I’m angry. I dread it. I’m somehow shocked at how I feel, even though it’s always the same. My mind runs through the same pessimistic thoughts despite the fact that I’ve worked through cognitive behavioral therapy since my early 20s. Im groggy, sometimes dizzy. I hit snooze 1 or 2… or 3 times. When I force myself up for work, I can’t control my muscular motors very well. I walk into the walls and doors. I brace myself with the walls so I don’t fall over completely. Everything I do feels forced and painful. I rush out the door late most days. It will be hours before I feel awake. And that’s always a maybe. Some days I won’t wake up fully.

Yes I have experienced this after 4 hours, 5 hours, 6 hours, 7 hours, 8, 9, 10 plus. Yes I have also experienced this regardless of healthy eating vs junk food. I experience it regardless of how little I workout or how much I workout. It does not matter, it makes no difference. It’s called hypersomnia, I was diagnosed in my early twenties. And it’s a condition that’s heavily linked to major depression. I get tired of the “good mornings” from coworkers. I do have the privilege of an office now though. I can try to hide from them. But then there’s the patients! Waking up for primary care patients by 0800. This sounds whiny and yet, Im just telling the truth. I really want to be able to wake up, but I don’t get to make that choice my body and brain chemicals do.

Then there’s the workout or martial arts after work. By then I’m typically only half awake. I either woke up for a bit and crashed, or never fully woke up. Sports are more dangerous when you are fatigued. Especially a combat sport. I have to be careful and put my ego aside and respect my limitations. My BJJ team is made up of strong athletic and explosive military men that wrestle me on the regular. If I’m not sharp or cautious, I could easily get injured.

This was only recently validated for me when I talked to my cousins again in Texas earlier this summer. Everyone in my family has a sleep disorder. Some of us are nocturnal, some night owls, some have Narcolepsy, hypersomnia and / or insomnia. My dad also has sleep apnea! I was so proud of myself and my cousins, how our generation is finally starting to talk about our mental health struggles guilt free. We talked about how hard it gets to ‘wake up’ for the 9-5 lifestyle: just trying to get through the day. And some of them have kids too! For a while, I used to describe hypersomnia as ‘being on half empty’, however, that makes it sound like the issue is being ‘low on fuel’. Fuel has nothing to do with it. Now, I’ve realized the more appropriate way to explain us is as people that are ‘only half awake’.

Anytime I talk to clients, friends or family that have hypersomnia, I have also noticed a theme. A theme of everyone wanting to ‘escape’ life through sleeping. Sleeping is the ultimate escapism when you may not want to be awake, living life day to day. It doesn’t necessarily mean suicidal, but it means there is an extreme exhaustion when it comes to living life. The art of ‘waking up and doing’ is exhausting. Something in our brain ‘does not want it’, and would prefer the sleep instead. It could also explain why our (hypersomniacs) sleep is ‘never restful’ and rarely restores our energy levels. The mental component could be the perpetual thought patterns of dreading the day and the exhausting work that the day might require.

Giving ourselves Grace

Just like with any medical or mental health condition, hypersomnia requires that we give ourselves grace first. Recognizing that we have a condition that is not our fault, and often times out of our control. Recognizing that there are limitations that it causes; leading to grief of ‘what we could be doing’ and accepting ‘what is’. Deciding if medication (whether prescription or holistic/ herbal) is the right step for us; weighing all the pros and cons. Picking our jobs or lifestyles with the condition in mind, as to not exacerbate it (I myself am not doing well with that as I work in primary care which always has an early morning start).

Dealing with Peer judgement/ Stigmas

Like any other physical or mental health condition; people don’t understand it unless they have to live with it. With that being said, you are going to get a ton of unhelpful comments and/ or advice from friends, family members or work peers. To be honest, I usually avoid talking about my mental health problems for this very reason. Educating people can be exhausting. So, I prefer not to mention anything at all. However, it’s hard to avoid this in a job. Your coworkers or boss will likely notice how tired you look, every day. They will eventually get concerned and teach you about their sleep hygiene routine’s, diets etc etc. You have to smile and nod. Or you can explain that you have a condition but that is 100% up to you. Also, they may hear it, but not believe it’s real.

It gets Superficial too… unfortunately

Before I learned how to properly do my make up, I used to get comments allllll theeee timmmmeee. It usually went something like this (on a rotation): “Are you okay?” “Are you sick?” “Are you tired?” The dark circles under my eye’s do not go away. I was tested for anemia and thyroid problems, and both tests came back wnl. I was also tested for sleep apnea; it came back normal. The fatigue and dark circles have been prevalent since I was 5 or six years old. I don’t wear makeup to be cute. I literally wear makeup so that people stop asking me those questions. (And sometimes looking cuter is a bonus)

Coping skills

  • Surrounding yourself with the friends and family members that are empathic helps! (My ex Fiance used to force me up early to go hiking with him in the freezing cold to ‘cure me’. It was horrific and led to us getting in some serious verbal altercations. Sleep affects mood, mood effects sleep. Don’t let anyone mess with your sleep.)
  • Sleeping in shame free. We may need to catch up on sleep. Or we may need days where we naturally get to wake up without an alarm. (Due to depression and hypersomnia; my body tends to want to naturally awaken, slowly get up, move slowly until the middle of the day. My energy peak does not happy until evenings or nighttime. Hence, why I strictly workout in afternoons vs mornings. Forcing a hypersomniac to wake up and workout is hazardous!)
  • Workout regardless. I know it sounds like a soapbox, but it’s just true. Human beings need movement. A large perpetuating factor of depression is being too sedentary due to our fatigue, and then we become more tired. Then the pounds add up, then workouts become increasingly harder, then the shame. Vicious cycle. But here’s the thing; pick whatever the heck you want! Walk/ hike, or play a sport, or lift, or pole dance, or do martial arts, or play golf, or Pilates/ yoga, have amazing action-packed sex, swim or go climb things. Whatever in the world you want to do to move your body, go for it. Pace yourself! Because you are only half awake.