Dad Day

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 06-16-2024

“Everyone says that women try to date men like their father, and I wish for me that was the case. But I think I was too busy trying to be like him” -EaE

My father was in, and out, and in, and out and in my life over and over again; he’s a Marine, need I say more? There were also complications in which my Bio Mom divorced him and hid me and my brother from him for years while she drug binged. He wound up being a single father when I was very young. He went through many trials and errors while pushing through his career and remaining stoic no matter what life threw at him. Through my upbringing he liked to give us teaching moments and words of wisdom. I did not fully move back in with him until I was ten, going on 11 y/o. Everything he did made sense to me. He went to a job, wore a military uniform, paid bills, kept up with building a stable household for the family, and rarely complained. Meanwhile my Bio Mom was the polar opposite of stable; chronic drug use, usually unemployed, barely functional. It just made sense to me; if I wanted to achieve an descent stable life, I needed to do what my Dad was doing. He had the recipe to a lifestyle that made sense to me.

Military I enlisted in the military because my Dad served 20 years in the USMC. I was exposed to it from a young age. He often preached about how quickly you gain stability when you serve. ‘Stable job, a roof over your head, education and training, food, medical & dental care and so on’. I was nervous but I recall as early as the 8th grade wanting to enlist in the Air force. Naturally he advised me to join the Air Force instead of the Marine Corps. (This is where the military and veteran readers laugh) He talked my ear off about what to expect through boot camp, technical training and the first permanent duty station. He helped me with driving practice, getting my first vehicle & first official bank account upon my bootcamp graduation. Then he left me to fend for myself for a good while.

Work Ethic I already have what many of my friends considered to be a freakishly high work ethic. I’ve been labeled a nerd, goody good, robot and over achiever. This came from my father and the military. But honestly, not everyone in the military is a hard worker, you will come across some ‘lazies’. There was something about seeing my Dad go to and from a job religiously all through my teen hood that taught me to function this way. In addition, the rule he was most serious about was ‘getting good grades in school’. So, I really had no choice but to mimic his consistency and discipline. I was also told I had to be active in sports while I maintained my A’s & B’s. All of this translated to me being a pretty good military member. (I never received any formal punishments & earned a few awards)

Relationships I recall my Father planning a surprise for my Stepmom for their Anniversary. He showed me the decorations and the gifts and told me “Make sure one day when you’re older you find a man that does this for you”. And to this day, I wonder why I did not listen to that advice. I found myself instead, going after unstable. I once upon a time had a stable relationship, but it was so mind numbingly boring we grew a part. Then after that, I proceeded to have unstable/ messy/ toxic relationships. I went after…. my Mom. Not people like my Dad. But despite my father trying to give me good advice, he also instilled fear. He would throw out one liners; “Don’t get married or have kid’s, you will always be broke”. “Make sure you don’t depend on anyone ever… because they could leave you, and you won’t be able to support yourself”. I’m actually happy about the fear, because I did not marry any of my exes; which would have been…. tragic.

Dad to the Rescue And because I made terrible choices in relationships, it led to two incidents in which my Dad helped me tremendously. First, going through a traumatic break up with the narcissist I was engaged to, resigning from the VA in Brooklyn and asking my Dad to come get me out of NYC and bring me back to CA. He flew down and helped me drive my little Nissan back to CA from NYC with my two cats. The winter storm followed us all the way to TX! My car alternator froze for a day and a half. The more recent incident was just six months ago. I asked my Dad to help me after evicting my recent ex due to him drug binging with another girl and trying to extort me for money so he could get more drugs. My Dad only lives several blocks away from my house luckily, and he has helped me clean up my yard that was trashed by my ex. (Meth hoarding is very real & very much an epidemic in the Mojave Desert. I found this out from the cleaners I hired to help.)

Coping I’ve modeled quite a few coping strategies after my Dad; TV, Music, karaoke, gambling, yummy food, solitude, & obsessions with work projects. Some are healthy coping, while others are a bit destructive. But, we hang out regularly and build many memories together. We are both very ‘mission orientated’ people as we are both Veterans. We tend to make work and important adult errands the priority, but then we know when to wind down and relax. We are both heavily introverted, and don’t like to be around people too often. But we will occasionally go out to socialize; we choose activities that don’t require a lot of conversation. We also know how to sit in silence with each other without a dire need to fill the silence with constant noise. But when we do talk, there is both substance and humor in our conversations. I love our dynamic! I love my Dad! And I am proud to have taken after him in so many ways.

HAPPY FATHERS DAYYYYYY to all the Great Dad’s out there!

Turtle Power (Staying fit through Mental health struggles)

Interviewer: Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ BJJ practitioner/ Author/ AF Veteran

Interviewee: Dalton Seafler/ Personal Trainer/ Nutritionist/ Life Coach/ BJJ Practitioner

6-12-2024

Elisa: One of the first things that stood out and led me to want to tune into your Instagram stories is those morning affirmations you do. Very positive and motivating. When I wake up, my mind automatically goes to pessimistic thoughts. Did you have this struggle as well? How did you learn to reframe your thoughts and keep up with that morning ritual of affirmations?

Dalton: Yes and No. When I go through hard times, I have some mornings with negative thoughts. But I’ve learned and conditioned myself to take a full thirty to sixty minutes upon waking up just for me. I want to meditate, thought reframe, practice gratitude’s and affirmations for one hour before doing anything else. I’ll Journal, Pet the cats, and overall I’ll be thankful. I like to get a visual of where I am in the present moment. We need to practice being Grateful from the moment we wake up. I’ll take the time to visualize my ideal self, and reflect on the root causes of why I’m not quite there yet.

Elisa: You talked about working out through depression recently, in which you admitted to some days feeling ‘paralyzed’. I can relate to depression paralysis, and making attempts to fight through depression to still workout. Can you elaborate on how you start your workout despite paralysis? Any warm up tips especially?

Dalton: A breathing technique helps quite a bit; to help calm the heart and thoughts. I start this on the walk to the gym as well. My personal favorite is Box breathing; inhale, hold, exhale. Get mentally ready for the workout that needs to be done. Not every day will be the same. We start small, and we go further next time. We need to feel sustained through the routine and through the week. We need to be self aware and catch ourselves in difficult moments and hold ourselves accountable to the routine. Be present, ‘right now is what matter’s.’

Elisa: I recall you posting about how you do not have ‘one set workout plan’, but that you like to tailor the workout plan to your clients specific goals. I like this, because as a therapist, I feel it’s the same. ‘Cookie cutter approaches’ are less helpful. What does your interviewing process with new clients entail?

Dalton: I discuss ‘what they do throughout their daily lives… including daily lifestyle. Their current diet and workout ritual if there is one. I inquire about their mental health struggles too. I also need to know what their specific goals are and the target date that they want to hit those goals by. Another important thing is whether or not they have injuries; I will modify the workouts accordingly.

Elisa: What’s your approach on clients that have a history of struggling with food addiction and/ or eating disorders? It will in fact, be more complex and I was curious about how you handle those complexities during their fitness journey? Especially the nutrition component.

Dalton: I try to stay on top. I’m going to message you to ask how you are doing with your macros, workouts, body, feelings and the overall progress. Sometimes I’ll do daily text messages to help coach them through personal accountability. I’ll also answer whatever questions they may have about the nutrition component. And if they fall off the health plan, I encourage them to ‘do better tomorrow’. I’ll keep reminding them. But, I don’t yell! I tend to be pretty nice about it. I recognize that discipline takes time, it’s challenging!

Elisa: What would you advise people that want to stay consistent through workouts while grieving through a break up? I ask especially knowing we are both going through break up grief while pushing through our daily fitness goals!

Dalton: Use that pain to get in there. You can’t let up. One of the big things I’ve been learning is you manifest what you want/ need. Moving on is hard, some people aren’t meant for you. We have to switch the mind set from ‘us’ to ‘me’. Be thankful even for the relationship experiences because that’s what life is about. Memories and experiences. I’ll either become a better version of myself for that person, or I’ll become a better version of myself for me and/ or whoever comes next.

Elisa: What would you like people to know about your mental and physical recovery Post hand injury? Especially pertaining to how you got back into fitness after dealing with new limitations? (Dalton lost 3 fingers from a hydraulic press in 2014 while working)

Dalton: It goes back to me getting sick and tired of being the ‘underdog’ and being pushed around in life; there were admittedly people I wanted to get back at. I found my outlets; fighting and fitness. I had to grieve other goals such as going into the military, I dealt with various ‘failed’ relationships, I had to get sober. I was already in the mindset of doing better for myself before the hand accident, and after the hand accident, I refused to let go of that mindset. But I would say it was roughly two years after the Hand accident in which I pushed even harder and things started to truly click for me as far as discipline and consistency.

Elisa: I always say that when people are ‘hiring personal trainers/ coaches to enhance their fitness, what they are really paying for is the motivation’. Because a lot of nutrition and workout advice is online and free. Would you say this is true? And is motivation one of the harder aspects when it comes to helping clients optimize their health?

Dalton: Yes I agree, I do believe motivation/ discipline is one of the harder things to build up. This is why I hold people accountable quite frequently. After practicing and building up discipline and confidence, eventually the clients start to hold themselves accountable. After several weeks of frequent workouts, the body starts to feel weird ‘without the gym’. And the dominant voice in our mind becomes ‘we have to do this’. When we push through the harder days, we are the proudest because we pushed through and did the ‘damn thing’. That is what builds confidence, it’s daily proving to ourselves that we can remain disciplined even when motivation runs out.

Elisa: And….your Advice on Practicing Self love???!!!

Dalton: Start by learning to be okay with yourself. Stay cautious of seeking too much validation from others. How do we learn to love ourselves? By becoming our ideal self! That’s how!!!! We have to live up to our own standards. I believe the key to more happiness is to practice all the steps to become your ideal self, and do not Deviate from it!!!!!

MeMORiAL Injury

Elisa A Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-26-2024

“How many people can say that they know the look in the eyes of someone who is already dead? Ready to end it all, ready to hopefully go to Heaven. And then he did. I will NEVER not blame myself.” -EaE

On a random day while working at the combat stress clinic in Afghanistan, 2012, one of the social workers told me that they would be flying out on a training mission and I would need to reschedule all of their clients for the next couple of days. “Great!!!!” I thought. “I just loved giving mental health patients the bad news ….” (sarcasm) as the receptionist. I tried to get a hold of as many of them as I could for rescheduling, not all of them answered. One particular patient showed up for his appointment, and I had to tell him the bad news.

He looked very disappointed about missing counseling that day. More distraught than usual. I asked him if he needed to talk to the other social worker in the clinic. He hesitated but then declined. He had a look in his eyes that caused me to think twice. “Are you sure?” I asked. “yes…” he said. Then I rescheduled him and he went about his day.

The next morning I woke up to a note slid under my door. I felt a drop in my stomach the moment I saw it. I opened it up to a sentence from my social work colleague: “come in the clinic, we need to talk”. The moment I walked through the door of the combat stress clinic the social worker pulled me aside to talk. ‘What exactly was the conversation you had with ______ (keeping name confidential) yesterday?” As I started to try to talk, she informed me that he was found after completing suicide, with a gunshot wound to his head. He was found that same night in his room. The same day he was rescheduled.

I tried very hard to keep my composure, as I usually did. Very rarely did people see me cry, especially in the military. The social worker was very calm and nice about it. She assured me it was not my fault and that they just needed to gather as much information as they could about the incident to include an Audit of the patient’s social workers notes. The psychiatrist of our team was an angry man who often insulted me. But even he also assured me later in the day it was no one’s fault. They were kind, but it did not matter. I was already blaming myself.

The very next day, they did a Memorial for the soldier and Did a flag draped coffin, they carried him to the C17 aircraft, and it flew away. I do remember gun shots, saluting, Taps. Thankfully, I did not attend this with anyone I knew. Tears were streaming down my face through the whole thing. You may be thinking “So what? That’s normal!” But, in the military Stoicism is important. Especially in war, you cannot afford to ‘fall apart”. So, like many other things in my life, I buried it. I compartmentalized, I had plenty more days ahead of me in Afghanistan, many more patients, many more missions. More attacks on the base; mortars, gunfire, KIA’s, WIA’s and many more patients that needed us (combat stress team).

I felt like a failure from a military standpoint and a mental health worker standpoint. This is what is known as a ‘Moral Injury’, when something traumatic happens to us that also leads us to question our own morals. “Was it right to let him walk out of the office when my gut told me to worry?” “Was it right to even be in war? What are we fighting for? Is it worth it? Everyone around me is hurting and suffering and for what?” “Is it right to try to help people be ‘okay’ enough to stay at war and keep fighting? Knowing that long term, they will suffer the longer they stay here?”

I grieved the loss of this soldier and I grieved for every patient we had that lost someone. Mental health workers and medical workers that deploy, often experience both direct trauma as well as an extreme amount of secondary trauma through the stories or injuries of our clients. We get exhausted and burnt out from the job, but we don’t stop caring. You would have to be a robot or a sociopath not to care. Naturally, I did not get therapy for this incident or many other hard traumatic grievances. I did not get into a therapy room until 5 years later, and I avoided talking about trauma through my first three therapeutic experiences. Now, 12 years after my deployment, I am on my fourth therapist and finally ready to start talking about it.

Trauma and grief are the ultimate silencers. Because it’s hard to talk about what my current therapist calls ‘The unexplainable’. Look at what the Memorial day ‘Holiday’ actually brings? People that want to be happy, host Memorial day Sale’s at stores, or do some shopping and host BBQ’s. But underneath the façade is a bunch of people with fear. Fear to acknowledge the traumatic grief that war has cost us, as well as all of the other emotions that will come out.

“To grieve feels like a betrayal to the ones that celebrate, but to celebrate feels like a betrayal to the ones we have lost.” EaE

The ‘Wickedly’ Cool Stepmom

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 05-11-2024

‘Do you have kid’s?”

The inevitable question that I get from most of my Post partum clients. Of course, I say ‘no’. But occasionally, I will self-disclose that I did ‘StepMom’ for a few years, which I notice brings the mom patients a bit more comfort; and follow on rapport. After all, that part of my life was quite the learning experience, and humbling in a way that I usually can’t quite describe. I also noticed that it brought me even closer to my own Stepmom, who happened to be one of my primary caregivers from the ages of 11-18 y/o. We got along, then we did not, then we did, then we didn’t, then we did again. And I see my stepmom as one of my biggest supporters and fans to this day. Since I eventually had my own sliver of experience helping with my ex-fiancé’s children, along with the clinical experience of working with people that have family stressor’s, I began to learn that it really all starts with ‘dynamics’.

Just as there is no such thing as ‘Happily ever after”, or “Happy 24/7”, naturally when a family blends; there will be friction. There is often a large clash in family dynamics. There are so many relationships that are starting, forming, molding and/ or being re-created every single day from the moment a new family ‘blends’. For example, take my family during my preadolescence. My Dad and stepmother got married. They had a new relationship to work on. Then I had to build a relationship with my new Mom figure, my brother had to build a relationship with her. My brother and I had to build a new style of relationship with my father who was now married again. My stepmom had to build a new relationship with all of us individually and together too. My younger half-brother was an ‘every other weekend’ child which shifted the dynamics, every other weekend. One of my stepbrothers moved in with us temporarily and… you get the point. This extends beyond the shifts of relationship dynamics and adjusting to a new norm. It’s also the fact that everyone has different personalities, temperaments, values, moral codes, opinions etc.

Whether we like it or not, our ‘Nuclear Family’ in America is forever changed. And people are becoming more mentally aware of this along with the shift in how we celebrate our mother’s. We have Mother’s Day coming up in a country where some people grieve vs celebrate Moms. Some households have stepmoms instead. Some household’s, Grandma is raising the grandchildren, and the Mom is nowhere to be found. Who are we celebrating? And, is the story a celebratory one or a heart wrenching one?

I recall the second year into my engagement (My now Ex Ex), my stress at an all-time high, I was hurt yet again that my fiancé did not even acknowledge the fact that I had been killing myself mentally and financially to help him with his children. I asked him two years in a row: “Hey maybe a flower? Candy? Something? Maybe on Stepmom’s Day? I’m not the ‘Mom’ and would never claim to be, but I’m a damn good bonus parent…” He heard me twice, did nothing. But I opened my mailbox and noticed a card in it. One of my best friends mailed me a ‘Mother’s Day card’. The only one I ever got. I cried. And fast forward one year later, he left me for a much younger woman. He severed our relationship as well as my relationship with his kid’s, in the blink of an eye. And now I am nothing to them. I then recalled how fearful my Stepmom was that when her and my DAd were in the midst of divorce, that it meant ‘She would lose me too’. But, we didn’t let that happen. Because a relationship tie is as simple as the choices we make. And I’m happy we stay in each other’s lives.

Wisdom from my Stepmom:

“What else are you going to do if you aren’t doing school and sports?? Sit on your butt and watch TV all day??” To this day, this is one of my favorite quotes from her. Because I specifically recall feeling overwhelmed between balancing school and cross country, and I wanted to quit. But that question forced me to pause and think. I realized, ‘Well yeah, she’s right, I would be sitting around watching TV if I had my way….’. Sometimes, when I’m exhausted and tired from work, I still ask myself, ‘Well, what else would you be doing? Sitting around, watching TV and going broke??”

“You care too much about people, and it’s going to hurt you a lot one day” I didn’t want to hear this one at the time, because empathy was my saving grace. ‘Fawning’ (people pleasing) helped me survive in such a cruel world, so it was a hard defense mechanism to let go of. But as the decades went on, I felt this lesson in some of the most painful ways possible. Kindness, with a lack of boundaries, is severely dangerous to the mental psyche. And I didn’t actually learn boundaries, as both of my parents were quite strict. They had PTSD, and the inability to believe I could be ‘safe’ if I was out of there sight for too long.

If you’re under our roof, you’re still a kid. The moment you’re on your own is when we will treat you like an adult I took her up on this promise, and did the rare Millennial “18 and out the door” approach by enlisting in the Air Force and shipped off to bootcamp 12 days after my HS graduation. And true to her word she has respected my right to self determine my life. Our relationship has grown beautifully since HS.

You can do It She has told me this so many times in many different ways through many many years. I consider my Stepmom to this day to be one of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders. Through all of my accomplishments. It’s rare to have people in adult life that are happy for you, just for the sake of being happy for you. Simply because they love you and they care. ♥️

The Lesson’s I learned as a StepMom:

I’m negligent like my parents before me As a stepmom, I was great with the financial help. I would buy those kids anything. No questions ask. They need it, bio parents are broke, I’m getting it for them. I would also make sure they stayed physically safe! But, where I was lacking, was in the area of emotional attunement. When I was a young child, I suffered from extreme emotional neglect. I realized that this has made it hard for me to connect emotionally with children and adults. I tend to zone out and go into my head when I am suffering in the present moment. Dissociation makes it hard to be emotionally present and connect to others.

I as a Stepmom, will Never be good enough I can’t help but remember my stepmom and my aunt one time venting about how hard being a stepmom is. I was just a kid so I didn’t know what they were talking about. All I could think of at the time was…”well being a step kid isn’t easy either!” 😂 But when I became a stepmom myself, I understood exactly what they were talking about. Stepparents will often be expected to “love the kids like their own”, but not be allowed to act like the Bio parent. Suffer the abuse from the child while not assuming responsibility for disciplining them too harsh. As you are not the bio parent so you have no right. You’re expected to do the hard things, with a smile on your face, never complain, and rarely get rewarded or praised for the sacrifice for kids that… aren’t your kids. Step parenting is one of the ultimate sacrifices, yet we treat them quite badly from a societal standpoint.

I can Grieve even when I’m relieved When my ex fiancé very suddenly called off the relationship, he obviously didn’t think through the damage it can do to his children. To bring someone into their life so suddenly just to push them away years later. I was relieved overall, because it wasn’t the right relationship for me. But, I’ll admit though I deleted all proof I can of him from my life, I kept some of the kids photos. I couldn’t help it. I do grieve them. I hope they are happy.

Conclusion:

This is not to take away from the Bio parents! But, I have written blogs in the past about my Bio Mom, this blog was necessary too. I needed to give some credit to my bonus parent, and I also needed to finally process my journey as a former stepmom. Stepparents can help save families, sometimes. I hope that people either celebrate or grieve in the way they need to. Every holiday that comes around I am reminded by clients and in my own life that there is just as much grief as there is celebration. Never forget who matters and who loves you unconditionally. 

Veterans Lifestyle Magazine

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ May 4th, 2024

All Veterans are Grieving

I am honored to have had my first magazine publication be in Veteran Lifestyle Magazine. This online magazine is dedicated to honoring veterans with diverse stories. Their mission statement also includes fostering community, celebrating triumphs, and empowering the voices of veterans and their family members.

It’s Memorial Day month and I felt it appropriate to talk about Grief. I will also be writing a new blog as we get closer to Memorial Day regarding a patient during my Afghanistan tour that took his own life. Memorial Day will always be near and dear to my heart, as I have suffered from extensive moral injury that onset during my military career. I have also heard/ seen the impact that loss can have on my military peers and clients through the years.

Click the link above for my recent magazine submission: All Veterans Are Grieving.

Raised with Values

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 04-14-2024

“There was something more important than us, that needed to be the driving force of every action we took. Honor, courage, commitment, integrity, service before self, excellence and more. We have beautiful core values, but do not let them be the death of your journey after service. Do not let the death of those core values be the death of you. We have to lose everything, even the most ‘cherished’ parts of us.” -EaE

Due to multiple failed, melodramatic break ups in my adult life, I found myself reflecting more on…. everything. This includes the values I was raised with, and whether or not the men I dated shared those values with me. It’s also equally important to reflect on whether or not my friends shared my values. Why is this important? I believe that when we are raised with core values, we are raised with more ‘rules’ and ‘laws’ that we live and breath; incorporating more into our daily lives. It leads to focus and discipline and the intention of ‘not doing harm’ on others. Values exercise our moral compass. When we exercise something, it grows stronger. If we do not exercise the values, the muscle stays weak.

The first 3 values I want to go over are the values I was raised with due to having a Marine military father. He was one of my primary influences over the years, whether he was near or far. He stayed consistent enough in my life to have an enormous influence.

Honor: Honor, from my perspective, meant behaving in a moral way, and being as honest as possible. It means that whatever is happening, we behave in a way that will not embarrass ourselves or those around us. I also think of courage, when I think of honor. Bravery. I wanted to honor my Dad’s legacy in a way, as he had an enormous influence on me enlisting in the military.

Courage: Speaking of courage, courage meant doing the things that I was most afraid of. I was already an anxious and traumatized child with major depression, but I wanted to push through and do things I was afraid of. Courage means fighting even when things are scary. It fosters discipline. It takes courage to continue your discipline, and it takes discipline to live a life of courage.

Commitment: It takes courage to foster both discipline and commitment. I believe that commitment means you are willing to get up and do what you are ‘supposed to do’ no matter how much it hurts. No matter how exhausted you are, a life of commitment keeps you going. I know it may sound a bit ‘crazy’, ‘stoic’ and/ or cliché. But I admit, I want people in my life that have the same level of commitment I do. I love growth!

The second set of 3 values I want to go over, is what was instilled in me from day one Air Force Bootcamp. I served in the Air Force from 2008-2014; Active duty. Then 2014-2018 I did four years as an Air Force reservist. Ages 18 – 24 years old I was Active duty; my brain still in development.

Integrity First This value is so important to me, I lectured my ex boyfriends about it. (during the relationships and shortly after the break up too) Integrity means to do the ‘right thing when no one is watching’. It means to be honest even when it’s terrifying. Especially when it’s terrifying. Living honestly is better than living a double life. Truthfully I wouldn’t have the energy to live a lie, I’m not sure how other’s do it so well.

Service Before Self This value absolutely bled into my already ‘people pleasing’ ‘fawner’ complex. As a survivor of childhood trauma, I felt the need to put other’s above my needs anyways. In the military, it was no different; “mission comes first”. This value is beautiful, however, I lacked boundaries and the ability to ‘self care’. So watch out with this one! It’s a tricky balance.

Excellence in all we do If you are not trying to do your best, then what are you trying to do? Give up? And when I say this I do not mean ‘never rest’ and ‘burnout’. Even our rest days require excellence. Are you doing self care with excellence? Are you working with excellence? Are you loving with excellence? Are you learning as much as you can? Are you finding ways to be the best version of yourself? I hope so!

With all of that being said, I can’t help but notice as I get older, that I’ve met some people that were not raised with even one value. Imagine that?! But it happens. Everyone has a different upbringing. Upon meeting people with less values, I found myself hoping I could instill values on to them. This was my first mistake. People have free will. For some people living by more values, principles, work and/ or self reflection could be intimidating. People may freeze or run away. Or perhaps self sabotage their progress and go back to ‘square one’. And as a ‘people pleaser’, I felt like a failure. Why can’t I help them?!

Conclusion:

I want to continue living by my core values to the best of my ability. Therefore, I need to look for other people that live by these values; friendships and relationships. I believe that simply being around people that cause me to drift from my values, may have a direct impact on my ‘fight or flight’ system. I go into a survival mode, and I cannot function at my best. Practice your values and strive to surround yourself with people who do the same. ❤

Post Vacation Blues

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6 April 2024

“So grateful for my imagination on a world full of disappointment.” -EaE

I’m crying as the airplane flies away from NYC. This is actually unusual for me, but maybe life and emotions are just catching up. Maybe the grief just piles on, and now I’m too tired to try to numb it out. I had a traumatic break up when I had lived in NYC that sparked my quick decision to move away and never go back. But then, my more recent break up 3 years later sent me into a different type of spiral. And I found myself booking the flight to have a get away and see all my old NYC friends. I had a very wonderful trip! It meant so much me to see that I still have quality bonds with many people.

I talked to my therapist recently about how many times I’ve moved in my life. My mother was very flighty as she snuck off to do drugs any chance she could get. My brother and I counted at least ten different places we lived before I was even 6 years old. I recently kept counting how many places I’ve moved. I landed on approximately 26 different addresses I’ve lived in, and I’m only 34. (Security clearances are a nightmare for me to fill out with my government jobs btw) So I had this amazing defense mechanism of numbing myself out when I moved away from everything that I had known. I had to be a pro at this. Loss was such a normal part of life and I wouldn’t allow myself to feel the pain it caused.

But right now the post vacation blues set in. I reflect. As the airplane flew away, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the last thing I saw before the clouds was Rockaway Beach; the first place I ever lived in NYC. I didn’t visit it during my trip this time, but seeing it made the nostalgia even more real. Taking me back to being 24 years old and finally out of the Air Force, young and excited to be in NYC. Excited, yet so lost. The longest walks I had ever taken in my life. Just walking and walking and walking and doing everything possible to not be around people because I felt so disconnected from everything I had known.

Most humans go through bouts where they feel “empty” sometimes, and they can’t always place their finger on what it is that’s causing the void. Feeling like you need something, but you cant figure out what it is. So maybe you wander around aimlessly, or abuse substances excessively, or escape into “another world” completely. My close friend and I were recently talking about our “vices” and how everyone has them. Shoot even my vacations are vices. I told my therapist one of my vacation goals is to forget I have a job!

But now that I’m headed back home, I feel reality sinking in. Home is not a happy place for me right now. Home is a place that is Haunted by the ‘Ghost of Boyfriends past’. Home has not felt like home since my recent break up four months ago. I find myself wanting to run away again, just as my Bio Mom once taught me. When things fall apart, you run; then start again somewhere new. I would run, fix, let things fester, then explode …. then combust. Then run again. Only this time, I can’t run. I own my damn house. The vacation was only a temporary escape from a life I hate right now.

I try my best, but when home isn’t home anymore, you do need to build it up and/ or find a new one. I’m always in the cycle of looking forward to the next vacation no matter how close or far. Especially as I am often tied down with heavy responsibilities at my job. Work hard and play harder right?!

Not only was my vacation week in NYC full of in person conversations, but it sparked many online private convos. Not everyone in NYC that I know could make it to the gym to train with me or make it out to see me. So, they online chatted with me instead; next best thing. One friend mentioned that they never take vacations. (How horrid) Through trying to encourage them to take a vacation, I learned that they simply have too many jobs and responsibilities that they have tied themselves into. A cycle of workaholism meets self punishment/ shame; they don’t deserve a happy vacation. They often say: “I accept that life is mostly misery”.

The ability to even believe you deserve a vacation is… maybe a luxury? My ability to then go back home to a stable job… is a luxury? But at the same time, I do make it happen. I do believe I deserve to enjoy myself as I have worked very hard to be able to do so. My Dad often questions my need for these vacation getaways. He’s a man that works and pays bills and does the same few hobbies in town where he lives. He’s as grounded as an old tree with roots that you cannot pull out. I believe somehow I get that free spirit he doesn’t understand from my Bio Mom. And, my stepmom, who ended up being my most consistent parent also loved vacations and exploring. She made sure we did it, while my Dad grumbled the whole way.

But, it’s like I’m a “free spirit” that has chosen to lock myself in a very tight and suffocating cage. And I only allow myself out from time to time. I keep contained because I’ve seen the consequences of wandering around too aimlessly. And I have the discipline to reinforce my own ‘entrapment’ in a lifestyle I don’t necessarily love.

So yes, I will sometimes cry during my post vacation blues. Reality will always come back. Responsibilities will always take precedence. There’s work to be done, bills that need paid, maintenance is required, and fun is deserved sparingly.

Turtles Impact Podcast

Elisa Escalante/ LCSW/ 03-24-2024

I still like networking the ‘old fashioned way’ on the internet. (It’s funny to think of the internet as old fashioned but it’s getting there!) Meaning, I like to meet people with similar interests/ passions and network. I love to help build reciprocal relationships where we can help each other grow. So naturally I gravitate toward Veterans, writers, therapists, entrepreneurs and/ or athletes/ martial artists. I am regularly on podcasts to help promote myself and others. But quite honestly, I especially love podcasts because I love real conversations. I miss conversations! We are in an age of texts, DM’s, ghosting and otherwise ignoring the art of conversation. People want to communicate with ten second Tiktok clips. (By the way I am finally on TikTok but that’s another blog post away from discussion)

Anyways, I have been moping around these past 4 months since my most recent break up. And in my quest to find motivational people to help inspire me to get myself back in shape I stumbled upon Dalton Seafler, a bartender by night, and a personal trainer and podcaster by mornings and/ or evenings. He’s quite hilarious with his morning affirmations and it helps cheer me up when I’m at my desk with my morning coffee barely able to open my eyes. Like myself, he is not clickbaity and does not sell you a fake ‘triumphant’ story. He’s quite genuine and I enjoyed this podcast a lot!

I’ve actually never shared this much about my military and trauma story out loud before. Typically, I’m too scared to share anything about my life at all. As most of my fans know, I write more than I speak about serious topics. But this time I was a bit more vulnerable about my journey. We cover topics such as PTSD, performance anxiety, martial arts & other sports, depression, resiliency, college and other types of ways to get educated, and ways in which we inspire the people around us.

Enjoy the podcast and be sure to subscribe to Dalton’s Youtube channel!

You can also follow him on Instagram: @turtlesfitness_nutrition

No Holiday Picture for Me

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 03-2-2024

“Every Pain you have will have an answer. It just won’t come soon enough. And why should it? Why have the arrogance to believe you get to know why? Why have the ego to believe that you deserved better? Or the premonitions to believe that you know what’s next? GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. LIVE.” - EaE

   I finally wanted to do one of those ‘lame Holiday pictures’ leading up to the Christmas of 2023. Not necessarily matching pajamas. But a cute idea with costumes, and my Boyfriend, and my Cat. It would have been the first time. Except we broke up 11 days before Christmas instead. I am not yet ready to write about why. Maybe I will be one day, or maybe never. But, I do believe it’s necessary to break the ice and talk about my feelings. The feelings of being in my Mid thirties, and yet again, having another long term relationship ‘fail’. The feeling of getting 3 promise and/ or engagement rings, but never putting them to use, because I never do get married. Seeing almost all of my peers getting married and/ or having kid’s, especially seeing the pictures during the Holidays. Feeling so out of place because I truly know that it is not ‘in the cards for me’ to have the same life. I don’t necessarily feel sad about not having a family, I believe more than anything, I feel robbed that I do not have the emotional capacity for it. But also, it’s okay because I am coming to terms with it. I am becoming more okay with who I am and the life I want to live.

  We live in a society that is sort of obsessed with what is known as the ‘Relationship escalator’. These ‘norms’ that we ought to go by because, well it’s the ‘thing to do’. Modern times have created some shifts, but ultimately the ‘norm’ is supposed to look something like this: Meet, date casually, Then become exclusive, then either marry or live together first, and then it’s time to talk about kid’s! (Assuming you can afford rent or a mortgage to house the kid’s) For as long as I can remember, the idea of this relationship escalator scared the hell out of me. I always found myself stuck in these long term relationships, and often times, okay with nothing changing. But also, dissatisfied because too often, it feels like a lie. Who am I kidding? I am not cut out for this. My Mom was not cut out for it, My Dad was not cut out for it. Most of my family members are not. But then again, some people are. I just wish over and over that I was not fed the fairy tale of the ‘happily ever after’. I wish that I grew up in a world where people told me that it’s okay to not want what everyone tells you to want. It’s okay to want something different. It’s okay that I was a young girl that grew up dreaming about a career and providing for myself, and did not spend time dreaming about a forever husband.

I am now 3 months single again. And, I get the same lines fed to me that I did last time I was single. “Don’t worry….. you will find the one”. “They just weren’t the ‘one’ for you.” “Just take care of you and focus on you… it will be okay”. They push positivity onto us, but they do not know where our minds are at. What if, when someone says they are done, they really mean it? What if we only have so much heartbreak we can take and then we must retire early from conventional relationships? I have had clients that made the decision to never do conventional relationships again. They chose to grow old living alone, or date in ‘unconventional’ ways outside of the escalator that did not lead to marriage. And guess what? They are still alive and quite a few were happy and content with their choices. It was not the end of the world for them. Their life did not end just because they chose not to spend every day with one person forever.

I know that it will work for some people. Some people do get the ‘happily ever after’ with their ‘one’… and then there are people like myself, that don’t even want to try again. I see the pictures of my peers. Marriage, kids, engagements, relationships pictures. Announcements… exclusivity. And I smile for them through my tears. I am happy for them, but I am also grieving for myself. Because I know it’s not possible. Yes could I try to force it? Sure. But it would be unbearable. I know myself too well. And I know what’s next for me. But I have to take my time.

Between long term relationship 1 and 2, I was mostly attachment anxious the whole way. Then between relationships 2 and 3, I became attachment disorganized. Now that relationship 3 is over, I appear to have gone from attachment disorganized, to attachment avoidant. I have never in my life felt so repulsed by the idea of dating or intimacy. Yes, 3 months isn’t long, but it usually never took me this long to at least enjoy the idea of a date. I’m still not there. I have been working with a new therapist, my favorite so far. And he has already helped me establish and communicate my new hard boundaries for myself. He is also helping to empower me to learn more about myself and what I truly want going forward.

I believe after my first long term break up, I felt cheated out of my time. Almost like my time was ‘wasted’. Then after my second break up, I felt rageful. This time, I keep feeling an insane amount of guilt. This is the hardest one to shake. Guilt is an emotion that I have walked around with throughout my entire life. A guilt of just existing. A guilt due to feeling unworthy and out of place. Like I did not belong anywhere because I wasn’t wanted anywhere. A guilt that led me to fawn/ people please to often keep the peace. This time, I stood up for myself and broke off something bad before it got even more unhealthy. And because this is so out of character for me, I continue to sit in discomfort. It’s sad that I was conditioned to put others above myself, to a point that it feels so wrong to actually choose myself first this time. But I needed to do it, because with wisdom comes the ability to see the ‘writing on the wall’. The more I live the most I can almost sort of, see my future before it unfolds. I can also feel the danger within my body, not just my mind.

I know that I have grown from this, and it has humbled me in a way I never have been humbled before. Unlike with breakup number two, this this time, there hasn’t really been any immature words or memes posted on my end. I don’t want to shame or blame or deflect my role in things. I truly hope we both heal. Most broken relationships are two broken people that were trying to fit together and become whole. But, that is codependency. Healing cannot take place when we rely too hard on others to fix things that we are too afraid to fix for ourselves.

“It will be the source of every bad decision you make. The root cause of every empty void you must fill. It will always come back to this. You feel so unworthy of life, and so damn guilty with every breath. With every second of existing. It will not matter how much they wrong you. They will never hurt you like you hurt yourself.” -EaE

  

I Used to be a Sweet Southern Girl

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-11-2023

“You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met!” This is one of the more common lines I have heard through childhood, adolescence, and all the way up to my early to mid twenties. I was raised in AZ, TX, & SoCal primarily. So yes, I am a ‘Southern Belle’. (Not in the literal sense) To me, it means living by the concept of ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, you don’t say it’. It means, taking the high road when people are mean to you, and still not saying anything. Kill them with kindness. It means, when you have a problem with someone, you choose silence over arguing. Healthy right?? (sarcasm) These values were instilled in me by a Grandmother that I lived with in Houston, TX who had PTSD and agoraphobia. She had witnessed and heard of so much trauma in her life, that her way of survival became all about hiding, being kind no matter what, and not getting involved in anything messy. She succeeded… she is 94 years old now.

I eventually moved to SoCAl by the age of 11, and with strict parents I learned my own survival strategy: Don’t speak. Speaking could get me in trouble. Silence cannot be punished as much as talking. I didn’t trust the words that came out of my mouth anyways. Even with tact, people can get offended by anything. (The harder thing is really that, anything can be triggering… including silence.)

Now, at the age of 34, I am not sweet or approachable. I’m still kind, most of the time, but I’m very guarded. I am also no longer afraid to create solid boundaries, even if it hurts people’s feelings. But, this new version of me did not happen overnight. It was years and years and years of toxic relationships, countless betrayals, and even abuse. One question I can’t help but ask now is “What does this person want with me?” I got to a point where I could not believe a person could just want to be with me because they cared. And a person did not want to hang with me just because I was ‘cool’. There had to be some type of ulterior motive, and I was determined to find it. (This is known as relationship sabotage btw) But, before this can be fixed, let’s look at some of the root causes of this. The horrible things that can happen to us that can ‘warp’ our mindsets indefinitely.

Manipulation/ Lying There’s so many ways in which people can manipulate other’s. The part I played in falling for it? I just gave people the benefit of the doubt. My innocent sweet mind just believed what anyone told me. And why? Well ‘why would they lie?’ I didn’t understand when I was younger just how much people stand to gain from becoming liars. The main reason this didn’t occur to me was because I was never a liar. White lies occassionally? Sure. But lying to a point that it hurts those around me and ruins lives? Absolutely not. After a while of this, hopefully we learn. What does it do to the psyche? A person that has been manipulated and lied to over and over? Well, they are absolutely going to develop trust issues. They are going to think twice before giving people the benefit of the doubt. When something seems ‘shady’, they will call people out on it. This mental trauma could lead people to behave in a manner that makes them ‘look like the crazy one’. And sometimes, of course, I have made false accusations. I am only human. A human that was lied to about any and everything. Including what ‘profession’ my BF supposedly had, his history ‘in the military’ that was actually non existent. The amount of money he made as well as his ‘work skills’ that were minimal at best. I mean, when you call yourself a ‘Repair man’ but the shelves you build in our apartment keep falling after just a week of using them…. are you really? And everything from a person’s where abouts to their intentions. You name it, I was lied to about it. I was also made to believe I ‘was the crazy one’ one too many times when I was actually correct. I ‘was crazy’ for believing they were cheating on me with women that they were cheating on me with. So now? I am a lot more likely to trust my intuition vs another person’s words.

The Military Life We are bound by contract, trapped in it, really. We swore an oath to obey all orders and live by two sets of laws. The military is the most well paid, most highly organized, most powerful and most effective cult you can imagine. We live by our rules, laws, and ethics and we have too much to lose if we don’t. While serving, I was subjected to a very toxic work environment. And, I couldn’t leave it. Stuck for 5.5 years with “SOME” pretty manipulative and verbally abusive people. In my six year enlistment, I had to undergo four different investigations for crimes that other people did, that I just witnessed or heard about. (That’s all I’m allowed to say on that topic) Unlike in the civilian world, you cannot quit. And, you can also be ordered to work overtime and you will get NO over time pay. So before any civilian compares, always remember, those are the key differences. I’m pretty sure for the first year I served, I cried at least 3-6 times a week on average. But, only after work! Alone in my dorm. Or while venting to my BF. Because you Must not dare show an ounce of “human” emotion when you serve in the military. Of course, my experience isn’t everyone’s. Some people are fortunate and get stationed in great places with great people. But the risk is that, you aren’t necessarily going to get that lucky. And again, once you’re in your contract, you can’t quit. You serve until it ends.

Squatting I let my second serious BF refer a friend to me as a new ‘room mate’. I barely knew this girl. Shortly after she moved in, my BF was staying the night with us so much, he ended up moving in. Months later, the girl Room mate started bringing a man into our apartment so much, he moved in. After a while, the rent started coming late. After more time, the rent stopped coming, period. Then more strange things happened. She picked and chose when to help with utilities, she started eating our food and stopped buying her own. The boyfriend of hers, who she swore didn’t live there, started using our amenities and eating our food, and did not contribute one dollar. But again, she ‘swore he didn’t live with us’, despite him bringing more and more of his crap over and staying 5 nights out of the week. This is how squatting can start. Innocent and small, and before you know it, you are living with people that are taking full advantage of you. To make matters worse, their fights were so bad, sometimes it would wake us up. She chased him with a knife in the apt one time, and he came bolting into our room for protection. This situation caused a different ‘type of personality’ to come out of me. I cursed at her, I yelled at them, we locked her out and called the cops. I visited the police station to file a report. Nothing worked, we had to move to get away from it. And the landlord had to take her to housing court to remove her. Recently, I offended some new friends of mine, because they spent multiple nights at my house and I needed them to leave. Why? Obviously my squatting trauma. I need to know that no one is trying to move in on my territory. Just like that, I am a territorial now.

Verbal/ physical abuse The things that can come out of people’s mouths can be so damn hurtful, and when it even get’s to a point of physical attacks, even riskier. Like many people before me, I used to say that ‘I would never be with someone that abuses me”. And even if I got into a relationship with someone like that, I ‘would surely leave’ right away. This is the mindset of people that do not understand the full nature of how abuse works. I will go more into details about that below; “love bombing & bread crumbing.” For now, I’ll talk about how being verbal/ physically abused can cause a victim to engage in what we call ‘Reactive Abuse’. This is when you get beat down so bad, verbally and physically, you start abusing them back. He blamed me for everything, I blamed him back. He called me names, I called him names back. This is out of rage/ revenge, but also in some cases to protect oneself. I’ve had 3 serious relationships in my life, (The third one is going on in the present as we speak) as well as multiple flings and ‘situationships’. I ONLY ever physically attacked one man: my 2nd serious BF. And why? He attacked me first. He shoved me to the ground two times before I slapped him. He had shoved me down, thrown something at me, and engaged in countless verbal attacks toward me and then ghosted me and vanished and then dumped me before I threw an elbow at him shortly after our break up. I was not proud of who I became. But I do know, that it was in response to being with a Narcopath for 3 years. The damage he did, halfway into me moving to NYC, changed everything about me. Whatever sweet southern girl was left, he killed the rest of her.

Infidelity There is a very important conversation I had with my 1st serious BF that he swears he does not recall. The conversation of the ‘ground rules’ for when ‘we opened our relationship’. This took place at the 7.5 year mark of dating. I told him he ‘can do what he wants’ with another woman, but the ground rules are ‘no friends, no family, and I don’t want the details’. This was the ground rules for the ‘Don’t ask, Don’t tell” portion of the relationship. Which would eventually end 1.5 years later, we lasted 9 in total. I found out after the break up, he didn’t even live up to those rules, he fooled around with my BFF/ BJJ trng partner/ landlord. So this was a double betrayal by my BF, and BFF at the time. Ouch! I very quickly ‘tried’ to move on, AKA jumping into a new relationship with someone else way too fast. (As did my Ex) This is what led to me even dating the Narcopath, I was vulnerable. I believed that relationship to be ‘monogomous’. Turns out, only I was faithful. And he dumped me and immediately moved on to a different BJJ trng partner of mine, a student that we were training together during the pandemic. Another double betrayal. So now? When a girl even get’s near my current BF, I get this internal feeling of dread. A knot in my stomach, racing panic thoughts. It’s awful. I was never the jealous type, but countless infidelity will do that to you. My current Boyfriend does not deserve my ‘Trust issue’s’. After all, he is the sweetest man I have met. But he has had to deal with a lot of them. We have to work through it. I have to heal, grow, evolve past this. Because the fact of the matter is, they either will or they won’t. I don’t have control over that. But, what I can do is drive him away with jealousy, possessiveness, and/ or false accusations, and I do not want to do that.

New York City Living The City of New york has PTSD. So it’s only natural that it will cause someone to become more hyperaroused and hypervigilant. I’ve been cursed out by drug addicts on the street and harrassed in restaurants. I have been followed by men, cat called. I have been harrassed on the train. I have lived on a block with a gang that had ‘staring problems’ to say the least. I have walked past people projectile peeing and shitting in the streets. One time it was even pointed toward my direction. I have been solicited countless times for money. Solicited to join ‘secret clubs’ which could have been anything… maybe sex trafficking or cults… who knows?? I have been hit by a car when I had the right of way. I had squatters move in which I wrote about above. I have been chased down by a vehicle when I was in my vehicle due to some silly road rage. I was in a situation that I can only describe as racial and/ or classist profiling by a cop with my ex. In which I was made to sit in the back of a squad car while my car was searched for ‘crack’ with the drug dogs, because the police were convinced we had it. (Of course we DID NOT) I’ve had various neighbors verbally attack me for something as simple as ‘taking their parking spot’, or accidentelly spilling a little laundry detergent in the shared laundry room. Did I become a bit of an asshole as well? ABSOLUTELY. I started cursing at people to defend myself, threatening to fight them. I was regularly training in martial arts through my entire 7 years as an NYC resident, so I may have been just a ‘little too brave’.

Love Bombing to Bread Crumbing The reason I need to dedicate a whole section to this topic is because not enough people understand why someone ‘would stay’ in an abusive relationship. And one of the top reason’s, is because there is no such thing as an abusive relationship, that is abusive 24/7. There will be Love Bombing, and this part of the toxic relationship is crucial for it’s survival. One cannot exist without the other. For example, if my Ex narcopath BF had told me the truth about who he really was, and treated me like shit from the beginning, obviously I never would have dated him. But no, it starts with the Love Bomb. A love that get’s you ‘so high’ and deep into their fantasy of lies that you lose all sense of logic. The reason a manipulative love bomb is so appealing, is because the narcisisst is simply learning you, and learning what you want to hear. But, there is no truth to the love that they are promising, it’s a facade that get’s people roped in. The abuse does not start until they have made sure that they have gained ‘your trust’. Eventually the bread crumbing will start. Meaning that they give you less and less, until all you get is a little crumb. And you will go at it like a starving hyena, becuase you are hopeful that it means you can capture what ‘you two had in the beginning of the relationship’. The high. The fantasy that they fed you. For example, the Narc learned early on that I loved ‘words of affirmation’ and ‘acts of service’. So in the first year of us together, he fed me that regularly. then midway to later on, barely at all. As time passed, he helped me less with chores until he stopped doing chores. He fed me less and less compliments and more and more insults. The simple way I summarize this relationship? The first half, he was trying to take advantage of me. And the second half, he was punishing me for ‘not letting him take advantage of me enough’.

How Can I even love or trust again?

Honestly, I don’t even know if I can trust again. But, I am trying. I swore off relationbships at one point, and I truly believed myself for a period of nine months. But, I think what ultimately helps me move past my trauma and learn to build trust with another human, is the fact that I do not want those evil past friendships and relationships to ‘be it’. I do believe I deserve better, and I want to find better. Why should the awful people of our past dictate any type of happiness we could have in our future? That would not be fair. Moving back to the desert in SoCal, finding a nicer paced less awful job, dropping the toxic people out of my life, it has all been to help me access that ‘sweet southern girl’ again. She has to be in there somewhere. But now, a bit wiser, a bit more calculated. More selective with who I let in. Trust is not automatic, it must be earned. Kindness breeds more kindness, while abuse breeds more abuse. So to be kind, I must only allow kind people in.