Mentally ill & forced to "function"
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-22-2023
Sharing more of my Favorite Poems and discussing what inspired them!
By now most of my poetic work has been published in my 2nd book “In My Head, Mental health poems and quotes”, the link to the book will be shared at the bottom of this blog post.
For more poems and quotes, Order my second book! Link below: (Also follow my write page instagram: @Elisaquotes
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-10-2023
“I hate that I grieve before I lose something or someone. It’s not enough that I still feel my past grievances, my brain also grieves the future. Like it knows all too well that I’m going to hurt again.” -EaE
I had once broken down and cried to a Chaplain during a military training exercize. Why? Well, I wasn’t particularly religious… but there was no one else to talk to. I remember him talking to me about all the different types of grief. And, that we do not just grieve death, we grieve so many things in life too. We grieve old friends and exes, we grieve a life we thought we would have forever, that instead got torn to shreds. We grieve moving away from everything we have known, we grieve when we lose our sense of purpose and identity. I’m also learning over time, that we can grieve things before they are gone. Like a mixture of anxiety and grief. It’s the knowledge of knowing you ‘WILL INEVITABLY’ lose the good thing that is right in front of you. Or, they will lose you. This isn’t ‘just’ my trauma speaking, it’s fact. Either one person dumps another, or one person dies before the other one. Remembering this cold reality can truly rob someone of the present joy. I don’t want my brain to be wired this way, but I believe due to the fact that I’ve already had grief, trauma and talked to so many people with traumatic grief; there’s no other way I can think. It’s almost like, ‘the death of hope and imagination’ as we age.
But this blog will not be about the grief of losing someone. It will be more so about the other types of grief, the grief we experience in our lifetime even when no one is gone yet. It’s a part of life. There is no one that is not susceptible to the pain of loss through a lifetime. We are actually, all, technically grieving together over time.
We grieve post success (Post success depression) Have you ever worked hard toward a goal for years and years? Did you imagine your life after you succeeded? Did you picture success with all the ‘happiness in the world’? Did you complete your goal only to find that you were ecstatic for just a little while? But then, unhappy shortly after? Did you then wonder why you weren’t as happy as you thought you would be after your accomplishment? That was likely your young brain believing that there was some sort of concrete way to attain permanent happiness. Eventually we learn that happiness is fleeting, and every route we take has suffering; even post accomplishment. But yes, ‘Post success depression’ is very real. I felt depressed after I finished HS, after I finished my military deployment & military contract. After I finished my college degree’s etc. A part of what we are grieving is the excitement of ‘the chase’. Chasing goals can be more fun than ‘maintenance’ goals. Why? More dopamine! In the chase there is imagination, hopes and dreams. Within success is reality. Reality isn’t always as fun as hopes and dreams. (You still deserve to celebrate your success regardless. You worked your ass off!)
We grieve the days or weeks as they pass by Some patients have talked to me about evening ‘blues’. Meaning they are sad that the day is almost over. I’ve also experienced the oh so common ‘Sunday Blues’, as I am a Monday through Friday worker. We grieve as our days or weeks or years end. I believe maybe New years resolution goals & celebration of the new year could also be a ‘grieving ritual’ turned positive. Time passes, it just keeps ticking and ticking and ticking. Sometimes I have even found myself pausing in time, feeling terrified as I know i’m not actually ‘pausing’ anything. We have no control over this. It feels faster as I get older. (How about you??)
We grieve going our seperate ways Break ups generally SUCK. Even when they are for the best. No matter how good the break up is there will be some grief along with it. Breaking up with intimate partners, close friends, coworkers, family members and/ or aquintances. We grieve. Sometimes the ‘going seperate ways’ is simply in proximity. And then we can continue a relationship via telecommunication. You will still miss having that person closer to you for in person interactions. But then, some breaks are permanent. Sometimes it has to be no contact because the relationship became toxic. It’s normal to ‘miss parts of someone’ even when they were terrible for you. After all, something kept you in that relationship/ friendship for a while. With this type of grief, both regret and rage could also be quite prevalent depending on how toxic the relationship became. Just remember, if the change ‘feels right’, it was probably right for you.
We grieve trade schools/ college’s/ jobs & area codes A former psychologist I worked for told us all: “If I could get paid to be a professional student, I would”. I didn’t truly understand this until my college experience was done; I found myself in a miserable ‘first career post college.’ Oh, how I missed those class rooms, and only ‘the pressure of doing assignments’ and nothing else. All I had to do was learn. I didn’t have to ‘save lives’. I missed certain aspects of the military too… but not many! Mostly the camraderie. The ability to get on my phone and ask for help, and know that a handful of friends would drop what they are doing to come help; that’s how we were trained to be. And, that’s something we don’t get in the civilian sector…. especially in modern times. I grieve my favorite restaurants in places I used to live. I grieve certain lifestyles depending on the area code. The city is awful but it was quite cool to have an unlimited amount of activities. Of course, you will miss people that you met in almost every environment. People that you wish you could just kidnap and take with you to your gaining location!
We can even Grieve things that never happened…. (because we wish they would have) I found this to be quite prevalent when I was younger; grieving things I wished could happen, but never did. I grieved a Bio Mom I never had. Mother’s Day hit’s and all it does is remind me of this. The statements/ quotes of: “There is no love like a Mother’s love” only reminds me of the question of: “Is there something wrong with me to have never received my Bio Mom’s love?” I grieve a full childhood with my Bio Dad that I never had; he was present for roughly half of my childhood. The military took him away. Social norms & the nuclear family could lead to this type of grief. Society feeds us a template of what life is ‘supposed to look like’, and if we don’t have it, we may grieve. You may grieve a childhood you wished for, that never happened. This can carry on into adulthood too. Ruminating about the losses. Raging about the fact that the voids left are now your burden to carry. Now you must heal after a heartbreaking childhood of things that happened to you or didn’t happen to you. But, NOT because of you.
We grieve our younger identities/ personalities/ attributes With aging, comes limitations. Slowly but surely, you might become more tired. It get’s just a tad bit harder to stand up and sit down. It may take longer to recover from illness, and more ‘random’ illnesses may pop up out of no where. Your workouts get shorter because you tire faster, your body becomes less ‘fit’. You need longer recovery periods between strain. You also notice your motivation levels lower. You notice maybe even less tolerance to pain. You begin to believe, that maybe, you are losing ‘your grit’. The reality? You are aging. You are also (hopefully) growing wiser. There is so much transformation that happens with aging, I cannot possibly cover it all. I’m also not that old just yet; 34 years young. I know that I have grieved my teen body, and I grieved my ‘twenties’ body. I also grieved certain aspects of my younger personality. There were pros and cons. I was more tolerant back then, but also too much of a pushover. I was more quiet back then, but I was not ‘being true to myself’. I had a loooot more mental and physical energy back then for any & everything that came my way. But, I did not know how to prioritize, and how to say NO when I needed to. If you miss ‘a younger version of you’, understand that there are likely pros & cons to that younger version. Perhaps, that version of you doesn’t exist anymore for a reason. Humans must adapt to their environments, situations and age.
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW
“Even when I feel right, I could be wrong.”
Remember all the times in your life where you fought the truth? The cold hard truth that was hitting you right in the face? The truth that people told you right to your face too… but you didn’t want to hear them or believe them? Did you even find yourself truth rejecting or straight up lying and pretending everything ‘was fine’ even when it wasn’t? Just so people would leave you the heck alone to your own self destruction & demise? I was trained to suffer in silence. My mother was negligent and my father was a Marine, enough said. I learned that when you are in pain, you deal with it alone. I believe this is why I suffered in silence for so many years. I still to this day, have the habit of pushing everyone away when I’m depressed, and going into my shell. Denial and deflection were my best friends, because when life got hard, I just didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to work instead and go about my life as if ‘everything was fine’. I wanted to dive head first into busy projects and forget my problems existed. That’s why, when people pointed out my issue’s, I had a bad habit of shutting them down. When people were blunt and honest, and giving me this ‘hard pills to swallow’, I wasn’t swallowing them. I was rejecting those pills. I threw out my much needed prescription! In this blog, I want to discuss the ‘hard pills’ that people gave me over the years that I once rejected. Lesson’s that I needed to hear at the time but I wasn’t ready to hear them. Sometimes, people are spot on about you, but you aren’t ready to hear it.
You shouldn’t be following some guy to NYC, go back home to CA and live with your family after you get out of the military. By the time I was getting out of the military, I had been dating the same guy for six years. So, this wasn’t just some guy, this was THE guy… or so I thought. The reality is I just didn’t know how to break it off and neither did he. We got too comfortable and even bored. But, the idea of going to NYC to be with him wasn’t just about him. It was appealing because it sounded exciting. I am from very small towns and I wanted the adrenaline/ adventures. But looking back, people were not wrong to warn me. I had no true ties to NYC, I had never lived there growing up. My only connection was a guy I dated with no prospects for marriage. I landed in NYC and immediately realized I had no love for him anymore. But, I was there and set to go to NYU, so no turning back! I spent 7 long years (We broke up only 3 years into me living there) in a city that I now hate before I moved back to CA. In that seven years there was a tremendous amount of relationship and social drama; I burnt bridges just as quick as I made connections sometimes. Think twice before moving to a place where you have no family or roots. Be smart and be careful.
Q- Have you ever stopped to think about why everyone in your life is toxic? Why do you hang around so many people with so many problems? What is it about them that makes you want to stick around? I was asked this by a social worker colleague when I was deployed to Afghanistan. She noticed a pattern of me venting about toxic people in my life that I could not ‘rid myself of’ at the time. She was trying to bring it to my attention that ‘I had something to do with the toxic people in my life’. As in, I had no boundaries and maybe, perhaps, I liked helping & ‘fixing’ people. This invites toxic people to stay. I am ashamed at how long it took me to learn this lesson. It’s like I was in a never ending revolving door of over extending myself to people that wouldn’t even meet me ‘A quarter of the way’. And at the time, I couldn’t even see how unfair it truly was. I didn’t even question because I didn’t know any better, I grew up seeing many lopsided/ toxic relationships. The social worker at the time could hear the resentment in my voice all those years ago, she planted a seed in my mind that I am forever grateful for.
Don’t live with a guy and your in laws. It rarely works out. This is regarding that guy I moved to NYC for, the first apartment was in his God family’s basement. It seemed like an amazing idea at the time because they did not expect us to pay rent. However, I learned that ‘you cannot put a price on freedom’. I couldn’t adjust to living with a family after I had spent 6 years in the military living primarily by self in a dorm and/ or apartments. (Yes I had a BF the whole time but he moved away when I had four years left on my contract therefore we were primarily a distance relationship) I could not go back to people telling me how to ‘live my life’ and bickering about every single thing. Micro management etc. They were verbally abusive as well and for me this is extremely triggering because I grew up hearing a lot of arguing. I was in NYC a whole 2 months before I found my own place to rent with a room mate. I’m proud that I made this choice, it was scary the idea of dissapointing his family, but I chose myself & my own peace of mind.
This VA internship program is very hard. Most people fall a part. We’re concerned that because of your background you might ‘over identify’ with the Veterans too much.” (What I was told when I was being interviewed by the VA for an internship position that I really wanted during Grad school) They rejected me and I could not intern for the VA as a social work intern for Grad school. I was angry and even ranted on FB about it to which my Dad warned me not to do. But, how in the world could the VA turn down a Veteran that’s deployed to a combat zone? Well, eventually I graduated and worked for the VA. I’ll put it this way, these ladies were right and wrong. They were wrong to deprive the VA of an experienced Veteran social work intern that could really understand/ help them with real life experience, compassion and empathy. But, after 3.5 years of working for the VA I was so burnt out. I did develop PTSD when I worked for the VA. I did over identify with my clientelle. It did hit too close to home. Now, I work primarily with Military spouse’s and kid’s for the DoD. This is a much better fit.
Don’t get with someone that has multiple kid’s from multiple women. Are you sure you want to be with him? Don’t rush it! This should really have been a given! Yet, I was stupid and I very quickly went from one relationship into another. This guy knew I was unhappy and vulnerable, he could smell it from a mile away. Here’s a lesson, if you had a very long/ boring/ stale relationship, & after it’s all said and done you find someone that’s exiting and adventurous, don’t think that means ‘you must spend your life with them’. Excitement and adventure does NOT = Marriage material. I went as far as to get engaged in my second serious relationship. This guy ended up being verbally abusive, and sometimes even physically abusive. Yet, I did not give up. I was too tough. He eventually ended things and dated a girl we coached from our gym within weeks. Which tells me he likely cheated and left me for her. That’s what I get for everything I put up with. My friends and family warned me about him. I warn people about bad people too. But honestly this is the hardest type of thing to warn someone about. Lust and/ or love creates biochemical changes in our brain that make us…. ‘stupid’ sometimes. Many smart people get in awful relationships. All I can say is, TAKE YOUR TIME. Don’t rush a move in, don’t rush marriage, don’t rush kid’s. If they are your ‘forever person’, they will stay regardless. So why rush?
Drop that Friend, she’s toxic. She’s an ‘anchor’ As hard as it was to deal with romantic break ups, breaking up with a long term friend is even harder some say. In my case it was. My longest relationship with someone outside of family was an 18 year friendship. A friendship that started out so close and connected but turned into a lopsided situation where I was constantly ‘putting out fires’ for her so to speak. Every guy I ever dated warned me that I should probably end things with her. Most of my other close friends did too. Even some aquaintances that barely knew us felt the same way. Everything was pointing in that direction and yet it was so hard. The more time I invest in someone the harder it generally is. Which is why I had to learn to make boundaries early on. I gave her an endless amount of warnings and boundary requests before I went no contact. She just wasn’t hearing it. She was too set in the mindset/ lifestyle of “she get’s in trouble, and I fix it”. Money, resources, time, emotional labor, her drug supply and many other favors. Just one week into my new Full time job in SoCal by January of 2022, I realized I could not do both: A Full time job and full time ‘saving someone that refuses to save themselves’.
Conclusion
As you can probably tell, most of my hardest life lessons’ came from toxic relationships/ friendships. It’s amazing how I have always kept my career in tact while simultaneously having a mess of a love life. So another lesson in general is the lesson of putting all of your focus in one area of life and neglecting another important area. I was so hyper focused on my career/ professional development that I was not paying attention to the hot mess that was my relationships/ friendships. Balance is so important, and yet, so undderated. The more content/ at peace people are the ones with balance. They don’t devote too much time to any one thing: career, love, hobby, chores, friends. They know how to disperse and prioritize in a way that keeps their mind healthy. That’s what I’ve been actively working toward, especially in the past couple of years. My life has been so peaceful that sometimes it’s quite boring. But, I’m sitting in that boredom and appreciating it so much. I check myself before I try to chase adrenaline. Is this good for me? Do I want this? Always ask yourself that before making big life decisions.
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-05-2023
I will start by saying that I didn’t quite understand that racism was still an issue until I was about the age of…. 14. Why? I was in an all African american (well 99%) school from Kindergarden to 5th grade in South Houston, and honestly, the kid’s treated me very well. My biggest bully, was in fact, the only other light skinned hispanic girl at my school. (Looking back it makes sense now) Fast forward to High school, (I had been living in SoCal Mojave desert since the 6th grade) I was mandated to be grouped up with two white kid’s; a boy & girl. As I sat there in a private group with them, our desks lumped together, I was then subjected to hearing one of the most racist conversations of my short little life (at the time). They both happened to be ‘white supremist’ kid’s and they went on and on about judgements they had regarding African american hair, and said some things about how “They are so different from us”. I went into a sort of mental shock/ freeze mode. I was appauled. I was scared of the boy but later on I had a conversation with the girl about this because I already knew of her. I expressed to her that what she said, was in fact, racist. She proceeded to tell me “Yeah, I know I am… but I can’t help it… it’s how my parents raised me”. I never talked to her again.
Of course, this keeps happening. We grow up and we live and learn. And we go though various schools, various job’s, various aquaintanceships and we hear the micro aggressions again and again. We have our moments where we stand up for the minority, and we have some moment’s where we may freeze due to shock. It’s shameful at times. I hate that it’s something that even has to be addressed. It’s even MORE awkward, when I hear my patient’s talk with racial undertones, micro aggressions, or even full blown stereotypes. And it’s just pitiful, when I hear mental health profressionals talk this way. Of all people, I do hold higher standards for other social workers. I cannot help it, I mean we have a code of ethics for crying out loud. So in today’s blog I am going to share some of the more prejudice, biased, racist and/ or stereotyping comments I have heard through the years: in sessions and in the mental health work section. (I’ll include sexism & homophobia as well)
“Ever since I moved here, I notice there’s black people everywhere…. (She moved from a Mid western state to South Queens, NY) So… many…. black people everywhere….” (She proceeded to cry and then have a panic attack)
“Since you are leaving and I need a new provider, can you make sure it’s another white lady? I don’t want a black lady like me to be giving me therapy….” Me: ‘Um… okay may I ask why..?’ Her: “I don’t want someone with anger problems like me to be bossing me around.”
“I mean I don’t see why people are so angry about the George Floyd situation. What do you expect when someone is a criminal and walking around with saggy pants or playing loud aggressive music? Naturally that’s going to disturb people… right?“
“I’ll never get with a black woman ever again.”
“I’ll never get with a Puerto Rican women ever again.”
“I’ll never trust a Black man ever again.”
“Me and my Veteran and cop buddies are going to make a Gun line and not let anyone through our area unless they belong there! We aren’t going to have them destroying our town!” (An elderly white Vet referring to BLM protestors/ he also happened to live in a primarily caucasian neighborhood in South Brooklyn) Me: “And how exactly are you going to Vet people??” Him: Silence. (That was the end of that convo and luckily he did not go through with that horrendous idea.)
“When I approached the reception desk I was already mad because I noticed that she was this little Islander or Indian woman, I don’t trust them.”
“I’m not okay with the military getting rid of ‘don’t ask don’t tell’. What am I supposed to tell my kid’s if a gay couple shows up to one of our family functions? It’s not in the bible!”
“All women are prostitutes. They either sell themselves for sex, or marry someone and have sex with them for other things like food or resources. So, they are prostitutes.”
“They are taking all of our jobs…” (referring to Mexican immigrants)
“They’re Dominican, and I’m Haitian. They are never going to like me. I record them almost everyday at work just in case they want to harrass me… I’ll have proof.”
“I F$#@ing hate Egyptian Men, they are all assholes. I’m never going to get with one of them.”
“Elisa, work with the Jewish population, that’s where the money is really at, plus they don’t have ‘real’ problems. It will be a ‘cush’ job.”
“What if the gay’s want to grab my junk when I’m in bootcamp?! We can’t have them in the military.”
“It’s ghetto around here. And I am the only light skinned person in my neighborhood. They all want to sell me drugs!” (A former crack addicted client)
“Seriously you went to China Town during the pandemic?? They gave us Corona virus, don’t go around them!”
“You can send your kid referrals my way. It’s important that they have a church/ spiritual influence in their counseling appointments. Because now a days, the LGBTQ agenda is trying to spread pedophilic teachings to our children.”
“The only reason it’s still an issue {racism} is because people keep talking about it.” (Or…. do maybe…. people keep talking about it because it’s still an actual problem…? Just food for thought.)
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-20-2023
It’s no secret that people compulsively run away from discomfort, or push away discomfort. They want to run away from emotions, push away other people’s emotions. They may want other’s to act or behave in a way that does not ‘trigger’ their emotions. With this comes the very prevalent and bad societal habit of ‘policing’ people. We do this by teaching and pushing our moral and behavioral agenda. “You should do this”, “You shouldn’t do that”. With the online world, this has reached expanding heights/ audiences. Now we can even police people behind the comfort of a screen, or attempt to, rather. I just watched a funny online Reel for example, and laughed out loud. I realized while I was laughing that it seemed like a video that had the potential to be slightly offensive. So I decided to check the comments. Sure enough, there were swarms of people judging the video and preaching about how ‘it’s wrong’ to talk that way. Meanwhile, other people ran to this person’s defense and reminded people to lighten up and learn to laugh. So, for today’s blog, I have decided to write out ‘how we are supposed to act’. Or, how we ‘would act’ if society got to have a say in every decision we made. These will be my educated guesses, of course.
You Need to Act ‘right’ when:
You are being verbally abused or harrassed at work You must either shut the harrasser down yourself in a brave fashion and move on with your life, or report them through the ‘proper channels’. Regardless of the fear of stigma or fear that you ‘will not be believed’. Forget about the fact that there is a history of cases where the victim was not believed, forget how popular your perpetrator is, ‘no one will be bias’. (sarcasm) You might get retraumatized when retelling your story to investigators over and over and over again as they ask questions that clearly lead to a ‘victim blaming’ agenda for the case. You also might feel ostracized by the rest of the work section as most of them will not be mature enough to just stay out of it and focus on their own work; but deal with it. Don’t act like a victim even if you were a victim. Keep doing your job and the investigation will just ‘sort itself out’. Also, don’t be shocked if people can’t understand why you might have PTSD and that it will surely impact your daily work, work through the trauma. Or, you can just quit your job that you worked so hard for. Money is a non issue right?
You are dealing with the aftermath of a toxic break up with an Abuser Yeah, you were abused, but, that’s over now. Get over it. Also, you should have seen it coming. You should see why ‘you were the problem too’. Take the time to be single, but don’t be single forever. Through all your pain just remember one day you will find ‘The one’! Just remember that all of your friends and family called it, they knew that person was bad for you, they didnt say much to your face… but whatever. They knew. Just know that they knew, and you didn’t. You’re actually stupid. If you were abused remember a part of it is your fault, develop that belief through all your pain and rage. Dont’ talk smack to the abuser or about the abuser ever, ‘rise above’. Remember to let everyone talk crap to you about how foolish you were, but also remember no one will ‘call out your abuser’ about the PoS that they were. Everyone confronts the victim, no one confronts the abuser. That’s life, deal with it. Oh, but if in ten years the abuser ends up killing someone, then you are at fault for ‘not outing them more’.
You are Online Mostly post positive and happy things to cheer people up, but remember if you do that too much you are triggering many people’s insecurities and you will be ‘arrogant’ for it. So don’t post too much about your success. Also, don’t post a lot of negativity because that comes with another label. Don’t post too much about politics at all! Otherwise you are spreading an agenda. But, make sure you post a picture of you with the “I voted” sticker come election year or else you are a hypocrite for not voting. What else? If you post too much, everyone will assume you are unemployed so be careful about that. And Selfies? They love them, as long as there isn’t too much make up or a heavy filter. Body pics where you have a hot body? Heck no, especially if you’re a women, then you are screaming for the wrong attention. Always like your friends baby and kid pictures, always like the ‘just married’ announcements/ pics even if it’s a known toxic and abusive relationship that your friend has been DMing you about for years. Post your significant other but not too little or too much! Too little means you’re trying ‘to look single’. Too much means you are obsessive and cringe. If you’re a writer? You’re F&%$ed, sorry to say it, but how do you even expect to compete with TikTok videos of all those people with tremendous ‘talent’? That’s comical, give up while you are ahead.
You are parenting ONLY breastfeed unless you have some serious problem preventing it… then… I guess you can use formula. Public school means you are poor and didn’t work hard, private school means they will be a snob, and homeschooling means they wont’ have social skills. Your house better be clean, always. Just like those Momfluencers on the Gram… let’s forget about the fact that they might have hired help with a rich spouse, you’re just making excuses if you bring that up. Mom, your body better be back to your pre pregnancy weight within months or else everyone is going to wonder what you are doing with your life. You know… besides raising kid’s and all. If you’re posting your kid that’s okay, not too much though or you’re giving their identity away to predators. If you’re a stay at home parent, be grateful, it’s a luxary. If you are a working parent, you are probably selfish because your kid isn’t getting enough attention. If you are a single parent, it’s your fault and you deserved it. The other parent isn’t here to blame so we will just blame you. If you are a stepparent you better post memes about ‘how you love those kid’s as if they were your own’, otherwise, you’re the most selfish of them all. And most importantly, NEVER complain about being a parent. EVER. You chose that life.
You are suffering from a Mental illness Yes, you are allowed to say that you have a mental health condition now. It’s more acceptable and people will call you brave if you put out the label. But, don’t give the details. No one wants details, they only want the word of the condition so they can know. Details are too overwhelming so you best keep a lid on that condition. If you’re depressed, get your damn sunlight and eat healthy. If you are anxious, just relax, and eat healthy. If you are traumatized, forget about it, and then eat healthy. If you have insomnia, just sleep, sleep is important, and then make sure you wake up and start eating. If you have ADHD, just focus better, and eat healthy. If you have an addiction, be sober, and eat healthy. If you have an eating disorder, well you really NEED to learn to eat HEALTHY! Bottom line, you are going to make people very uncomfortable if you don’t heal just by eating healthy and resting. So, pretend that holistic health will give you permanent healing, and if you need meds, don’t even mention it. Just don’t. Don’t tell people the biopsychosocial factors that contribute to your condition because that complex info will just give them a headache.
You are in formal education Do your classwork and homework, don’t interrupt the teacher of course. Make sure you raise your hand 1-2 times per class to contribute. Any less makes it appear that you did not do the required readings, anymore than that, then you are a ‘know it all’. Whatever political affilation your college has, that is now your poltiical affiliation too. If you appear to be on the fence of undecided, or on the opposite end of the political line, the classroom will swarm you like Bee’s until you run out crying. Only argue with the teacher when your Mom or Dad is a Doctor or Lawyer, that seems to work sometimes. But make sure you mention it, that’s important. It’s perfectly acceptable to pretend you know everything about a subject if you took one semester of it in college. Go with that… you’re “educated’ now. If you have a B, that is unacceptable. (despite even if you skipped half the classes that semester) You must be perfect, so be sure to swarm the teacher with last minute make up assignment requests in the last week before Finals. It always seems to work.
You are serving in the Military First and foremost, you signed up for this. So never complain. (Despite the fact that the rest of the population literally complains about college, parenting, civilian jobs and so on) You now have two set’s of laws to live by, the Uniformed code of military justice and the country laws. Keep track of all of them. Perform at 100%, 24/7. Get called into work in the middle of the night? Don’t complain. Work overtime with no overtime pay? Don’t complain. Get verbally abused by a ‘higher up’ in front of everyone you work with? Don’t complain. Deploy to a war zone? Don’t complain. Listen to everyone else whine about how hard their life is when you are in a war zone? Don’t complain, you fought to give them those rights. Get treated like crap when you return home by jealous coworkers and insecure civilians? Don’t complain. Don’t brag about it either. Hide your awards. Barely post yourself in uniform. There will be many movies that glamorize war, but, it’s for entertainment so don’t complain. Make sure you ‘move on’ after your military trauma. Get a new job and get on with life. Find a new sense of purpose, and learn to be happy with it.. even if it doesn’t give you 25% the adrenaline the military did. And despite the fact that Stats show Veterans have the highest rates of unemployment, chronic pain conditions, TBI, PTSD, substance abuse issues, homelessness and suicide… you’re still going to be treated as an outcast if you ‘fall apart’. So don’t!
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-13-2023
After turning 34 years old I decided, well, let’s blog about this! it’s an interesting age, I’m definitely not old. But, I don’t feel young either. I suppose I am freshly baked and just came out the oven? I found myself telling my boyfriend recently that I feel like ‘this is the age where people aren’t telling you you are young and have plenty of time anymore’. It’s more, ‘well this is probably who you are and who you will be from now on’ age. But, I know logically, I am over reacting when I say that. I still have a lot to learn, and hopefully, more life ahead of me. Today I want to write out two lists. I want to write about the things that I have learned in my 34 years of life, as well as the things that still ‘puzzle me’, after 34 years of life. I also want to invite people to comment if they can relate or if they have an answer for me! I would love to hear from everyone, especially if you are older. Just for reference in case you do not know me, so far my life experience comes from: Childhood traumas, broken home’s, a military career, a deployment to a combat zone, a mental health career as a therapist and behavioral health consultant, various toxic relationships, one healthy relationship (so far!), over 9 years of martial arts training, publishing two books, home ownership and an on site glamping business.
What I have learned so far (In 34 years of living)
In 34 years of life, this is still what Puzzles me:
Q- Why does everyone still subscribe to the notion of: Get married, have kids and live ‘happily ever after’ when there has been (quite literally) a tremendous amount of proof that that lifestyle is not a guarantee of 24/7 happiness?
Q- How come some adult people do not comprehend how innapropriate it is to ask people for favors and money over and over and over and over and over again?
Q- Why do people expect things of their partners that they aren’t capable of doing for themselves? For example “You need to make money” (mean while they don’t make any money). Or “You should work, pay bills and clean the house when you get home” (meanwhile they just work and pay some bills and never clean) or “You should eat clean and workout and have a great body” (meanwhile they have an average body) etc etc etc etc
Q- Why do we still base a man’s value off of performance, status or money alone? And why do we still base a woman’s value off of looks, cooking/ cleaning skills, and agreeability alone?
Q- Why do people still barely value mental health education? Our brain is an essential organ for daily living for crying out loud.
Q- How do people use screens for 10+ hours a day and still live in a denial that leads them to believe it has ‘no impact on their deteriorating mental health…’?
Q- Why are there a bunch of basement’s in the upper east coast of the U.S. when it’s prone to floods, and way less basement’s in the central South part of the U.S. where it would be helpful for Tornado’s?
Q- Why did people feel entitled to ‘five star quality’ service during a pandemic that led to mandating an extremely high amount of layoffs; leading to a slim margin of overworked burnt out employees left to do everything by themselves? (With very little bonuses, over time and/ or hazard compensation I might add)
Q- Why do we still believe we can talk people into or out of things? Especially major life decisions such as whether or not to get married. Whether or not to have kid’s. Whether or not to go for a certain career path. How to think. What type of lifestyle works for them and so on.
Q- Why am I so terrified of death all of a sudden? (Well not so much now, but, essentially between the ages of 29-33)
Q- I totally see now that we have a major energy depletion when we hit our thirties, but, do we get some magical energy in our forties? I’m wondering because I feel like ass, but I know a lot of people in their forties that say they feel ‘amazing and rejuvinated’…..???? (Is this largely dependant on my daily habits in the next 6 years or so?)
Again, feel free to comment and give me your life wisdom’s please!
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-30-2023
“There are many different types of strength in this world; mental fortitude is a tremendous one. The reality is, you cannot measure someone’s mental fortitude, because you will never be in their mind to feel how much they are suffering through.” -EaE
I’ve had this amazing ability to numb out what my patients have told me, even if it’s exactly like something I had once experienced. But, it can go both ways. I will either numb it out, or feel it too heavily. Either way it can be a problem. But, not every therapy experience offers more trauma. Some therapy sessions I have given over the years have healed me in some way. It heals to help people. It heals to feel hope again. It feels good to also know that I am helping, a change agent, in a very positive way. They also have their own incredible tips and advice’s that they share with me. Things that they do to cope and help themselves feel better, affirmations that help get them through life, and struggles that end up turning into triumphs. Working with people, and seeing people, underneath those hardened shells is a beautiful thing. We are all covered in some type of protective layering after all. There is therapy in the therapeautic process.
The patient that had toxic relationships like mine “I will never trust anyone again. I will never be able to have someone look me in the eyes and tell me that they love me and for me to believe them”. This is what he stated after a break up led him to homelessness and then in an inpatient hospital due to suicidal thoughts and plans. After which he wound up living at his ex Wive’s w/ his teen kids; ‘an embarrassment and failure’ in his eyes. Though it hurt to hear someone talk so badly about themselves there was a deep part of me that understood it. I understood what it felt like to never want to trust again. When you give your all to a person that betrays you and throws you away like you meant nothing to them. To want to give up with living because you cannot see any hope for anything else. I was careful with him as to not chase him away. He needed patience because no one else was going to give him that. I completely normalized the concept of ‘being single forever’, because the reality is, that is an option. And you have the right to that if that’s what you need. (After two years post hospitalization, he actually did date again, and he took his sweet time!) It was good for me to see all of this. Because I came from one bad relationship into another one rather quickly; and the demise of the second relationship landed me in a very similiar spot as him. He will never know how much I thought about his strength through my own post relationship mental shocks/ hardships.
The patient that Sabotaged themselves into Homelessness Honestly, he felt impossible at times. He showed up, he left. Weeks away without communication and then prolonged 2-3 hour sessions when he was back just to catch me up. When he was around our clinic, he dug through the trash for food, I always did him the solid of pretending not to notice. The reason he was homeless? Very complex issues dealing with people in general. He couldn’t handle his room mates, so he gave up and packed up and left. He couldn’t handle his GF half the time? So he would run off and sleep in his car half the time, and couch surf with friends half the time. It took him months to admit he was homeless, I actually had to tell him he was; denial. It took months for me to forcibly take him down the hall to apply for food stamps; he did so reluctantly. It took almost 2 years for him to admit he had a history of sexual trauma during his military service. Through the process of helping him, I could see the barriers through every step. I saw the sabotage and in follow up sessions I could explain it to him: “Why are you picking a fight with the receptionist? They have nothing to do with anything besides checking you in?” “Don’t argue with your VA examiner, they simply need to get the info, write it and submit it.” “Providers are less likely to hear you when you are raising your tone”. Trauma and anxiety kept him in an endless loop of sabotaging resources prior to my treatment with him. By the time I was close to resigning from the VA, we got him to 100% Permanent and total disability. (This typically pays Veterans over 3,500 a month in NYC) The pride I had in helping the most ‘sabotagy person ever’ get what he needs was insurmountable. He cried with gratitude over our phone call when he learned he would finally be 100% VA compensated.
The only patient that made me Cry in session (non intentional of course) During covid timeframe, one of my elderly patients passed away; it was likely Pneumonia and covid together at the age of 88. He was not only an individual client but he was a part of one of the PTSD groups I facilitated. I had to tell each individual group member seperately on the phone (teletherapy) about this significant loss. One of the Vets told me that ‘this is why we (Veterans) don’t get close to people, we lose them too much, too young and too often’. Luckily I was on the phone because that line struck a cord. I had already lost too much, too young, and too often. And it made all the sense in the world, how isolated us Veterans truly are. I never dealt with grief in ‘an appropriate manner’. I always shut down, and still do. I’m like a faucet that closes tight, and occassionally I’ll release the valve a little but just to let a few tears out. But pretty soon I shut it tight again. Why? I’ve always worked way too hard and been way too busy to ‘fall a part’ so to speak. But during that phone session, I let all of that go and I grieved my patient with my other patient.
The patient that was neglected in the same way I was Anytime a child patient vents often about their parents, I like to pose the question of: “What is the purpose of parents? What are they supposed to do for you?” This 8 y/o client of mine answered with “They technically don’t have to do anything for us….”. That’s when I knew that I understood her on a deeper level than most, and she understood my childhood on a deeper level than most. Disheartening neglect that leaves you feeling unworthy of anything good. I’m not talking about simply: “My parents weren’t around much”. In this specific case, we both grew up with biological Mom’s that drugged themselves to a point of being too incapacitated to care for us. Sometimes all day, or multiple days. She had the added factor of her Mom telling her “I never wanted you in the first place”. I had the added factor of my Mom dropping me off with strangers so she could go off and party. She dealt with her deep voids by acting out in anger to get attention. I dealt with my deep void by going numb and pretending I never needed anyone, or anything, ever. I helped her learn to appreciate her Stepmom who was always present, in the way that I appreciated mine, though I rarely showed it. Because neglected kid’s will find a present and active parent to be an intrusive and ‘annoying one’. But, they are really just trying to do their job! And unlike our biological Mom’s, our Stepmoms did the most important thing for us: they stayed.
The patient that refused to work despite being able bodied This patient was a 2X Iraqi War Vet who was raised by 1st generation ‘Islanders’. He was taught that essentially you live to work and work and work some more. And that he did, he worked his ass off in High school, he worked his ass off when he would go to college in spurts, he worked many odd jobs before, during, and after his military reserve career. He obviously worked his ass off in Iraq and sustained PTSD & TBI injuries. By the time he came to my office he had not worked a job in almost 8 years. It became clear through our sessions he was ‘concientiously objecting the American work force’. It was almost like his own mini ‘silent strike’ against Capitalism. He also struggled to finish his BA because of undiagnosed brain injuries; I eventually referred him to neuropsychology for testing which confirmed this. My first compulsion was like anyone else’s would be; to empower him to get back to work. But when I recognized he was at a severe ‘stuck point’ in his life, I took the opposite approach. I accepted him as he was. We talked and talked and discovered and untangled and laughed and yelled and educated each other for about two years until he finally decided to try a ‘Part time Temporary job’, and he did it! He reminded me that a person’s value is not just about what they are doing in that moment; performance, productivity, money etc. I saw so much value in him even while he was unemployed on purpose and living with his Mom with only 50% VA disability. Living within his means and trying to simply… live. With meaningful connections, friendships, and even an intimate relationship.
The patient that had Social anxiety like mine This was a moment in time where I realized that I was giving such ‘incredible advice’ that the patient realized I had the same issue as him: Social anxiety. His Question during my rant: “Wait how do you understand this so well? Do you have the same problem as me??” I just went ahead and admitted it, YES. I have severe social anxiety. Put me in an area where bombs are going off before you put me in a room to speak publicly in front of eyeballs glaring at me. And I can actually vouch for this because bombs from enemy combatants on my FOB did not cause my “fight or flight” system nearly the stress that public speaking did. The root cause comes from external and internal factors blending together to cause a deep seated fear of judgement. But why? Well because we already judge ourselves. It’s the fear that our self judgements will be validated as true, yet again. Because in our childhood we dealt with traumas from others that led us to believe we are unworthy, incapable, wrong. We fear being seen and judged because we already believe to our core that our existence and our mannerisms are wrong. We come off as uncertain, because we are always uncertain. We fear other peoples judgments but overall, we fear our judgment the most. It’s a never ending self degrading cycle. The healing process must start with self acceptance.
The patient that recognized my personal crisis When I had to call it quits with my life in NYC, I had to do a closing session with every client. I made up a story that my Dad was ill and that I needed to go home and be with him. My Dad is still okay though, thankfully! The truth was too embarrassing. I got dumped by my fiancé at the time, he decided to leave me for a much younger girl we had coached at our gym. I was so mentally shocked that I didn’t have it in me to keep working for the VA, I was already burnt out. As I made plans to pack my shit and go move in with my Dad I was also studying for my advanced independent therapist licensing exam. This was a MISERABLE month; especially because I had to keep living with him (ex). Day after day I broke the news (lies) to my clients, one girl knew better though. (She had an extensive trauma history primarily due to the men in her past life) She asked me: “what about your fiancé, is he going to CA with you?” And I said “I don’t know we haven’t decided..”. She concluded by telling me “you get away from that guy, you don’t need any man. You got this”. Essentially, she told me that she knew it was a heartbreak I was dealing with, and she encouraged me to push forward. 💪🏼✅ (I dodged a rocket)
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-09-2023
Emptiness, Ravenous, Dead unless, I get the fix. Compulsiveness, explosiveness, shame commenced, I lost again. Punishment, was Glutenous. Deserving of, this Sickness. Starve again, Binge again, it never ends, Purge this sin. -EaE
How can I explain it? Imagine you are sitting in your car and you make every effort to get into the drivers seat. But someone else takes over. They drive for you, and no matter how much you want to drive, you can’t. You are just along for the ride, a ride that you do not want to take. A ride that you have forbidden yourself from, yet, there’s another person inside of you that wants the opposite for you. Was I two people? Do I sound crazy yet? I recently started to describe food addiction and eating disordered cravings to be nothing short of being ‘possessed’. Every client I have discussed this with has agreed to some extent. As they too, have felt that helpless feeling of losing control of themselves. It’s like your body goes into an autopilot toward something you swore you did NOT want, while your mind screams at you as the body acts in ways that are out of your control. And then, you accept defeat. The ‘demon’ in you won, yet again. You deserve punishment, and why? Because everyone told you that you did, and because society punishes you anyways, so you might as well reinforce it with more punishment.
People that do not have food addictions or eating disorder’s don’t understand these types of cravings. Why? Because their bodies ONLY crave the nutritional requirements that it takes to keep them fueled. That’s what a ‘normal’ hunger cue does for people. It will ensure that they get fed/ fueled for the day ahead of them. Why doesn’t everyone have a normal hunger cue? Why does everyone have different levels of cravings? How come some people have ‘full cues’ and other people do not? Most of the answers to these questions came to me after I became a behavioral health consultant for Primary care. In this role, I have to give people ‘evidenced based interventions’, in other words, they should leave my office with paper. Either psychoeducation, instructions toward relaxation or cognitive work, or smart goals/ schedules geared toward more behavioral activation. I wanted to help my eating disordered clients, I already knew the risk of just telling them to ‘eat less, and exercise more’. It’s the same thing I heard my entire life, which led to my eating disorder in the first place.
I found an amazing free packet of screenings/ interventions known as EDIT (Eating disorder intuitive therapy) online; created by Dr. Dorie McCubbrey. From what I could tell, it was the perfect way to work with eating disorders on a time constraint; as I only get 30 min per patient, so take home worksheets are essential. One of my favorite worksheets is known as ‘The 3 Reason’s why we Eat’. 1- Hunger, 2- Appetite, and 3- Comfort. A non food addict or eating disordered individual only eats for hunger. That is the actual reason to eat. That’s our body’s way of getting it’s needs met. If you are hungry, you should eat. What’s Appetite? Appetite is something that get’s set off when we develop strong triggers that lead us to have the urge to eat more. Food addicts have very heavy appetites that can get set off from things like: smells, visions; either in person or commercials/ ads or banners and fast food signs, hearing people talk about food, and/ or memories of how delicious food tastes. Going down a grocery aisle with chips was a big example for me. Or smelling french fries while I passed a Mcdonalds sign on my way home from work. Even celebrations can trigger appetite! Why? Some cultures are taught that when you are happily celebrating, you eat. It can become ingrained into your daily habits. Therefore a simple party can even trigger the appetite.
And comfort? Yes, some people eat to comfort themselves. Food creates biochemical changes in our brain which can help relieve depression, anxiety, lonliness, stress etc. When I go over this section of the guide, I ask people to identify their emotional triggers. Most people, if they think hard enough about it, can think of at least 1-2 emotions that immediately cause them the urge to eat, as they know matter of factly that the food will relieve said emotion. Most people with Eating disorders have higher appetite triggers and higher emotional triggers that cause an urge to binge for comfort. That being said, they are no longer eating ‘just for hunger’, they are eating due to a high appetite, and due to mood swings that need instant relief. It becomes an eating disorder when the shame drives them toward a cycle of restricting food, binging food, and/ or purging their food. Why do they do this? Because society told them that they ‘should be thinner’. Society told them that their behaviors deserve shame, and heavy corrective actions. And then we get a double edged sword situation…. “Eating disorder so that I am ‘not fat’, or no eating disorder and then I remain fat? Both are very ‘unhealthy’, what the hell do I do???”
What are the corrective actions that are taken with an ill mind? It’s important to always note, that a healthy mind will take healthy activities and thrive. An ill mind, will take the same ‘healthy activities’, and make them unhealthy. The restrict, binge and purge cycle tends to go as follows: Shame, restrict food, starve and then get the urge to binge, binge and then get the urge to purge it out, more shame and then cycle repeats. What does our mind tell us through this? Here are some examples: “I shouldn’t have eaten that, now I need to punish myself by running on the treadmill for hours.” “If I do not workout everyday, I will get fat”. “I can’t have a single carb, if I do I will get fat and regret it”. “I did everything I could possibly do and I still gained a pound, I need to do even more”. Inevitably, due to all of this exhausting effort, many will get a case of the ‘Fuck it’s’ at some point. Examples: “Fuck it, I’ll never lose weight now matter how hard I try so I’m done trying”, “I’m sick and tired of depriving myself I’m going to eat what I want”. Eventually the behaviors lead back to self hatred, shame, the urge to restrict, and then the urge to binge again.
The only reason I am able to break this down so well now, is because I am in remission and have roughly an 80-90% handle on my food addiction & eating disorder. But make no mistake, when it was at it’s worse (in my early to mid twenties), it was AWFUL. Back to those cravings, those cravings could drive me to do very unusual things. I ate things that were not meant for human consumption sometimes. I would go through two or more drive throughs back to back. I recall eating so much I couldn’t move; horrendous stomach aches. I ate an entire jar of peanut butter one time, the next day I felt sludge pumping through my vains. My binges were quite extreme, I loved to do them with a TV binge and then I would feel this euphoria followed by an extreme low with crying spells. And my restriction efforts? Weighing myself ten or more times a day. Changing outfits over and over until I found one that didn’t make me look ‘fat’. Eating under 1K calories a day or less. Taking many progress pictures and feeling the high of the compliments that I recieved on social media. My purges? Spitting out my food if I did not want the calories in me after all. Using laxatives, especially if I had a BJJ competition coming up. Exercising in extreme amounts; frequency and time. Up to 6-7 workouts a week; usually 90 min to 2 hours long. Dehydrating myself for the sake of competition weight and waking up nauseas. (it’s easier to justify eating disordered behavior when you’re an athlete by the way; its for the sake of the sport!) My Body dysmorphia also led me to misrepresent myself. I sucked in my tummy since the age of 11. That helped me during military waist measurements; I could always get full points. (It’s easier to justify these behaviors when you are in a military oganization; as they push people to do unhealthy things for the sake of fitness)
My very first therapist decided he wanted to focus on my eating disorder. Why? Because I came to him while I was busy in Grad school, complaining that I was getting fat, and I wanted to work on losing the weight. I was too busy and tired to keep up the effort; I felt like a failure. Something very important that this therapist taught me that I try to teach my weight management clients in primary care; It’s not the behaviors that we must address right away, first and foremost, we must untangle our minds. Once again, an Eating disordered mind is too ‘tangled up’ to comprehend ‘just eat right and workout’. You know what they hear instead? “You’re fat, punish yourself with workouts, deprive yourself by starving. Be miserable, because you will never be able to have what you want.” And one of two things will likely happen with that blanketed cliche advice; we will either punish ourselves with the same unhealthy cycle of restrict, binge and purge, or we will naturally rebel against the advice and go back to the ‘fucks its’ of compulsive eating and trying not to care anymore. Either way, nothing ever changes, if our mind never changes.
Below is my list of ‘healthy thoughts related to food/ body image that I have worked on this past year. I give it to almost every weight management client that has a food addiction and/ or eating disorder. It’s what I wish I was told, it’s what I hope everyone can read. I wouldn’t wish this disorder on anyone.
The cognitive reframing- (Healthy thoughts related to Food & Body)
Elisa Escalante/ LCSW
Medication taught me that my Mind had a chemical imbalance of some sort
I’m not a neurologist or a psychiatrist, I am a social worker. So I cannot break this down in an intellectual way. I will do my best though. I was prescribed naltrexone from the VA to help with my food/ weed cravings. I have been taking it for over a year now. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel a ravenous craving toward food or drugs. And, for the first time in my life, I feel ‘full cues’ when I’m eating. At first, all I could really tell my friends was that “I actually feel kind of normal now”, what I presume normal feels like anyways. A normalcy of ‘food not being on my mind 24/7’, a normalcy of ‘not feeling a possessed urge to gravitate toward food always’. The normalcy of “Oh I’m getting full, I’ll put this food away”. I had already had some great progress with my cognitive work in individual and group therapy for my eating disoder, but the medication supplemented my progress. It gave me that extra boost I knew I needed, and I am not ashamed of it. It’s not my fault my brain is this way. I am instead, proud that I had the courage to ask for help. I’m also no longer excessively workout out, I am making every effort to manage and/ or lose weight with healthier eating and ZERO shame. What helps is that I also really love to cook! (The talk of medication offends some people, and I want to give a disclaimer that I am NOT telling people to use naltrexone, I am simply discussing a medication that works well for ME)
In conclusion: There will always be shamers unfortunately
As much as I wish the world could become a kinder place, that is not fully in my control. Realistically, we aren’t getting kinder. For example, now there are more plus sized models and clothing brands recognizing that people vary in size and shape. And for everyone of those ads, you will see some keyboard warrior commenting on how everyone wants to ‘glorify obesity’ these days. Little do they know, these same people on the ads that they spew hate at, have made tremendous efforts to lose weight. Efforts that they could not even fathom. They have also been shamed in ways that they could not even fathom. Shame does not help people, helping people helps people. We help by educating, we help by encouraging, we help by assisting, we help by recognizing efforts no matter how big or small. These types of people that shame, they think they are helping but actually doing the opposite, they are causing more harm. They are fatphobic and yet, ironically using language that will promote more of the cycle they supposedly want to stop. Don’t BE THEM. Be a part of the solution, please.
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-05-2023
“I have felt pain without religion, distraction, drugs or love.” -EaE
There was a time (that I briefly experienced as a young girl in the 1990’s and a teen in the 2000’s) where sob stories were taboo. Talking about sad things and sad feelings was forbiddin and frowned upon. Poverty and sob stories were teased and shamed while riches and prosperity were glamorized and congratulated. The norm was to ‘not have a sob story’, and if you did have one, you HIDE it and pretend it never happened. If you tried to bring it up, you were met with statements of: “It’s in the past, don’t think about it anymore”, or “It shouldn’t effect you anymore because it’s in the past”. In the later 2000’s to present day, I noticed a shift. I noticed it professionally while I worked in the mental health clinic as an Air Force mental health receptionist. We went from having two reluctant intakes a week, to about 2 new intakes a day. People slowly but surely started to flood our offices, voluntarily, to talk about their problems. In a military organization of all places… where the stigma is even stronger compared to that of our civilian population.
What happened? As more people started to open up about mental health concerns, more people started to realize that sometimes, it’s normal to have problems. Sob stories are the norm? Mental health symptom flair ups are normal? Someone is suffering from what I am suffering from? You mean, I can actually talk about my depression and anxiety and anger without being put in a straight jacket and locked into a padded room?! Some people were still very nervous about getting help of course, but there was also plenty of people that loved the idea of it and recommended it to their friends and family members. We noticed more people walking their friends to the mental health clinic, and waiting for them in the waiting room.
Fast foward to 2020, the Covid pandemic created a different sort of epidemic: An influx of human beings rushing to online therapy and mental health clinics. At this point it was no longer ‘just becoming a norm’, it was a full fledged overwhelm on the mental health & social services systems. I had only been a licensed social worker for just shy of a few years when the pandemic hit; I was absolutely not trained for what came next. Statements of “Everyone should have a therapist”, “Don’t be afraid to seek help”, and “Mental health is just as important as physical health” became the norm. Social workers and therapists overall started to prove their worth as the need was so strong. We even started finally getting realistic pay for the amount of work we do.
What was the strangest thing for me during the pandemic? If I’m being honest, it was actually the first time in my entire life that I was ‘more ill’ than at least half if not more than half of my patients. Meaning my PTSD, hypersomnia, and depression began to flair up to the point of severe levels, while many of my clients at the time were able to quarantine and receive unemployment and tame their mental health concerns. But, because of the nature of a mandated quarantine along with the 24/7 access of screens, they still demanded regular therapy. The talks were no longer about how to cope with mental illness, but more so, how angry they were about the day to day; the smaller things. Their grubhub order or Instacart order was delivered incorrectly. The President said X, Y, Z. Being cooped up in a small dusty Brooklyn apartment really sucked, but… they could not ever go outside because people don’t comply with masks and social distancing.
My boundaries were so poor, and I could not deny it any longer because the consequences of those poor boundaries began to rear their ugly head during the pandemic. Sometimes, for some people, Therapy can become addicting. And if they also get a sense of ‘entitlement’ with their therapy, it becomes a cyclical effect of burning out their therapist, codependency on their therapist, and then in turn issues with self advocating, taking accountability and/ or self soothing when they are alone. Remember I say ‘SOME’, not all mental health clients, just… “SOME’. I had some clients that were amazing with boundaries; clients that would remind me that our hour was up and never keep me a minute past their hour. But then, I also had clients that made numerous attempts to call me between sessions to squeeze in additional phone sessions throughout the week. I even had a client yell at me if I didn’t answer their many call attempts between their sessions. (It didn’t seem to occur to some people that my caseload was overflowing due to the pandemic and I barely had 5 minutes for lunch some days… let alone a whole extra session or phone call). All that mattered was, there was another sob story, and then the next day, another. And then, another.
Working for my particular Vet center was a nightmare, they gave me a work cell and told me to call my own clients when I got sick so that they did not come in. This is absolutely a receptionists job. There’s a reason for that. When I called patients to tell them I could not come in to work because I was sick, at least a couple of them wanted to talk to me regardless. Even on my days off, I couldn’t get a day off. My health was deteriorating. I recall reading about America’s ‘Mass resignation” from the years of 2020 to… well present day most likely. I am a part of this mass resignation and so are plenty of other therapists, nurses, teachers and so on. Meanwhile other jobs have grown rampantly; life coaches, mental health ‘influencers’ etc. I first noticed TikTok in 2019 or 2020; people also loved sharing their sob stories online now. Some people have specific niche’s on Instagram and TikTok to talk about mental health. Survivors sharing their stories, therapists sharing evidenced based coping tools, and even Randoms’ that had ‘one psych class’ many many years ago sharing their ‘knowledge’. I saw some amazing stories and some amazing advice, I also saw some pretty awful advice that made me cringe over the years.
Going to people for an emotional outlet is NOT inherently a bad thing. It used to be so feared that we had to insist to many that it was beneficial. But, now we live in opposite times where it is insisted upon. I learned about the term “Ableism”, meaning when you are easily able to do something that someone else cannot, and then in turn you may feel superior to them or egotistical about your own skills. I do agree with the term, but not always how it is thrown around. After all, how can you know that something comes ‘easier to someone else’ than it does to you per say? What if, they are trying harder than you through their own mental health conditions? Mental health conditions that they choose not to share? After all, they are still invisible wounds until they are talked about. Some people use ‘ableism’ to suggest that ‘they are unable to do anything’ because they are ‘more ill than most people’ and ‘suffer more than most people’. For some people, this may be true, but for many, it is not. In general, most humans have a great capacity for some things, and a very limited capacity for others. Most people have general talents, and things they struggle with. And, most people suffer from some type of physical and/ or mental illness of some sort at some point in their lives.
Don’t Enable
Enabling someone that has an endless amount of sob stories could look like giving them free therapy or free emotional outlets 24/7 while that person has no intention of making any positive changes to their life. It could look like helping someone the moment they put themselves in a victim role; over and over again. It could look like giving someone money often because they are always ‘in a bind’. I’m not talking about onesies and twosie incidents by the way. It’s normal for people to struggle and to need help sometimes. I am talking about behavioral themes. I am talking about when something becomes a pattern. We can enable people in general; our peers and family members or even ‘helpless’ coworkers that should really be learning to do their job and pulling their weight. And, as I discussed earlier therapists can enable their clients too. Despite what some people may think, mental health therapy is NOT meant to victimize people and lead them to believe that they are ill to the point of ‘helplessness’. We can do just as much harm convincing someone they are helpless as we can when we judge someone for having hardships. I don’t want to see either extreme on the spectrum.
Empower
What I love about new school therapy is that it is meant to empower people. Let’s explore your mental health conditions and/ or your social problems and empower you to find a way to tailor your life accordingly. How can you heal? How can you overcome? How can you persevere? What changes should be made? How can we motivate you to make those changes? What are your stuck points? How can we help you get through them? What’s the best way to self care? Are you taking your rest days and are you also making sure your good days are productive and helpful? The spirit of therapy is not to give people an endless supply of ‘vent sessions’, it is to help empower them to take positive actions in their life and overcome their struggles. I am all for ‘more sob stories being shared’, I am not for the idea that we portray someone as ‘helpless’ just because they have a sob story. I have found that being in a role as a behavioral health consultant for primary care helps me help others. Why? I have to give people ‘evidenced based interventions’ during most appointments, I have to encourage them to create goals and work toward self management. This role is better for me, and it makes me a better clinician for the patients.
You can Sob while you ‘put the work in’
There is nothing that says that when you are having a hard time, ‘you must be helpless through it.’ What does your intuition actually tell you? Or, what does your therapist tell you assuming you cannot trust your intuition? For example, I can get so depressed that my body goes into a zombie state and my mind goes into a fog. I know I must get outside and move; though my body and mind tell me otherwise. It’s so hard that sometimes I’m walking .000001 miles an hour and barely able to pay attention to my surroundings, but I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ve cried through workouts, and work. Sometimes I step away for a bit, and eventually I do get back to my goals. Some people have panic attacks at work and need to use their break and do their deep breathing exercises. Some people have anger outbursts and instead of taking it out on their family they have their alone time in a room where they can punch things. Then, they get back to their family after they used their anger diversion/ outlet. Many people grieve while they go about daily life. They take some time to be by themselves, and they take some time to be with others, and they take some time to distract themselves into oblivion. There are many ways we can balance sobbing, panicking, anger, grief, stress with both nothingness and productivity. Find the ritual that works for you. You deserve to live at your most optimal state of being.
Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 07-25-2023
“Peace and content are not ways in which we settle. They are the goals after a life of horror and trauma. I don’t want to be high, I want to be steady.” -EaE
Now a days, I talk to my clients about ‘Tornado people”. The types of people that suck you in, beat you up, and then spit you out while you are all dazed, bleeding and confused. Narcissists, histrionic’s, pathological liars and/ or Antisocial (sociopaths) types. But, it’s not really about a disorder per say, it’s about intentions. If someone intends to lie to get their needs met, and they completely disregard someone else’s needs, they are the most dangerous people. When they lack empathy and the ability to care, they have the upper hand as far as being able to control another person’s emotions. It’s easy to ‘win’ when you have no remorse and no sense of accountability. And even if they do not win, it’s easy to walk away unscathed when you literally don’t care about anyone besides yourself. My first two long term relationships were much like this. A nine year relationship with a pathological liar and a 3 year relationship with a narcissist that was also a pathological liar. Sometimes I look back and wonder which one is scarier. The 9 year guy was never ‘mean’ on a surface level. He didn’t yell, he didn’t drug, he didn’t ‘party’ per say, he did not ‘control me’. He was this really ‘kind person’ on the outside that also happened to be a seriel cheater and liar. Then, the 3 year guy was a very overt narcissist. He was a very obvious asshole, and some of my friends even warned me.
I can at least say this for a fact: living under the same roof with pathological liars for 12 years in total destroyed my brain. After it was all said and done I had rage episodes. I could not tell right from wrong. I questioned my own sanity. I questioned myself and if I was, in fact, the bad one? I questioned what I did to deserve it. I believed I DID deserve it. I often questioned how in the world they can live with themselves in the aftermath, so much more carefree than I was. I am aware that these terms are getting used often. But let me give you the distinction. How do you know the difference between someone that is harmful and toxic vs someone that is more or less innocent? It’s all in the intentions. Was I perfect? Absolutely NOT. I am a human and I made mistakes. But, my intentions were good. I never in my life set on a path to purposely hurt a soul. In my path, I accidently hurt people. But, a toxic abusive person is on a path to intentionally harm and bull doze others while pretending to be ‘perfectly innocent’ and taking zero accountability. That’s the true difference.
They Lie, lie and lie again. And when you catch them, they lie some more
Everyone’s first go to is to shove the ‘red flags’ in your face and make you feel like a clown. I would have to guess that this could be a defense mechanism on everyones part. It’s easy to believe ‘you cannot be the victim because you see red flags better’. But, a true pathological liar will Never sport their red flags. They paint them GREEN with sparkly glitter on top. They have no issue’s lying to get their way. And a naive person that RARELY lies, like myself, would believe the lie. Why? Because, ‘Why would they LIE???” If you are someone that values honesty and truth telling and you live by that practice, then you cannot fathom why someone would be a liar. You just can’t relate to it. You will never get it. Most of the people I have had in depth conversations with, clients and friends, that admitted to me about their lying habits told me it was typically one of 2 reasons. “They had nothing growing up, and they needed to lie to pretend they were something.” Or, “they got in trouble regardless of their behavior (from their parents), so they figured they might as well lie to get the better option” (less punishment). Hence, pathological lying typically starts out as a psychological defense mechanism. How does this look in a real life situation? I’ll use my 3 year recent ex as an example first. When I first got with him, he had a ’35 dollar an hour job, with a 10K savings bond.’ Then, 3 weeks after we committed to moving in together, that same job ‘cut his hours’ out of no where. Then weeks later, they stopped giving him hours all together and he was broke, and no access to the ‘savings bond’. When he was broke, his “Baby Mom must have robbed him”. Not just lie after lie, but sob stories as well.
When they truly cannot lie anymore because they are truly caught, ‘it’s your fault‘.
(3 yr ex) It was my fault for ‘catching him’. It was my fault for having ‘high standards that made him feel like he had to lie to get with me’. It was my fault for pressuring him or making him insecure to a point he ‘had to lie’ to save face. It was my fault for making him work a job he hates because I needed help with bills and he needed to pay his damn child support anyways. He did not shove me to the ground, he just touched me “and I fell over” and it was because I ‘made him angry’. With my ex ex of 9 years, it was the fact that ‘he didn’t want me to feel bad’. “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you”. (Never mind the fact that the truth along with the lie is more painful than ‘just the truth itself’.) “I lie because you will just over react, like you did before”. Meaning, the time I over reacted the last time I caught him in a lie where it appeared he was probably cheating early on in the relationship. But, ‘he wasn’t cheating, he was just being nice to this girl and took her out on a date because he also ‘felt bad for her’. No matter what the rhyme or reason is, they are ‘never lying and cheating’ because of their own charactoer flaws. They will always project it back onto you. You you you. Accountability is not a part of a pathological liars toolbox. Why? Because accountability requires truth telling. They have no capacity for it…or they refuse to learn to try. Like the concept of an old dog trying new tricks. They would rather stick with the old.
It’s not just you. It’s a Pattern that stemmed before you, and will continue after you
With the nine year ex, I saw the pattern continue unintentionally for the longest time. Women would DM me. Random women, asking about his character because they had their suspicions. The first time it happened was just several weeks after our break up actually. His new girlfriend (We opened our relationship in the last 1.5 yrs of the relationship, so I wasn’t surprised there was someone else, I was just surprised she didn’t know about me) asked me if ‘it was true me and him were broken up for two years? Why? Because they had been dating for months, and that is what he told her. She was heartbroken to know that her ‘new boyfriend’ who she assumed she was exclusively monogomous with, had only just been dumped by me two weeks ago. She even showed me screen shots of his lies: “No he wasn’t living with me, he was living with a ‘male room mate’ and they simply had a falling out over ‘how messy he was’. I read her messages a bit in disbelief. I was surprised, but I also wasn’t. I was ashamed to know I dated someone like that for nine years. Someone who could take me to his Mom’s Xmas eve party, and then the very next day on Xmas take his other GF (who had zero knowledge about me) to his Squadron Xmas party. Outside of that incident, I was hit up by his two more recent exes. Same same same. The most aggravating thing about it is that he simply never grows up. It’s still cheating after cheating, lying after lying, and excuses of “I felt bad” when he is caught. Even when people open relationships or practice ‘polyamory’, there are still rules/ ethics that require honesty. Here’s a lesson: If you are opening your relationship to save it because ‘he or she always cheats & lies’ and this change can make it ‘not cheating and not lying anymore’, the relationship has already failed.
And my 3 year narcisstic ex? Well, three babies from three baby mom’s? He had crafted some pretty creative stories that made him out to ‘always be the victim’ in every situation. My naive ears wanted to believe him, even though it doesn’t truly add up. At the end of the day, regardless of what truly happened between him and three Baby Mothers… you willingly left behind three women with your three children. And, if you can abandon the mother of your children along with your children, then what made me the most idiotic person on the planet was the delusional belief that I thought I could be any different. This relationship was monogomous on my end, all the way. I assumed he was too, as he always insisted he was. But, if he could lie about Baby mom stories, lie about his intentions toward his children, lie about his income and jobs, and even lie about ‘serving in the military’, (he never did), after the relationship ended when I found out he was a cheater, I wasn’t too shocked. I was more so shocked about who it was. A girl we trained/ coached martial arts for six months. Honestly after finding out that I was quite convinced that he literally hated me by the end of the relationship and wanted to destroy my life and spirit. It became clear he had ulterior motives because as I look back, he bounces from women to women to women. When one situation doesn’t work out, he monkey bars onto the next with the same sob stories and tactics. I can’t help but wonder, what type of ‘evil woman’ am I in his new book of lies to his new GF?”
When it’s all said and done, there is no more capacity to Trust
Needless to say, when I got back into the casual dating world, I had zero capacity to trust. So, I chose not to trust anyone. I chose casual situationships instead. And in doing so, it was like I was playing out my own game of trauma reenactment. I spotted the lies and the ‘player tendancies’ in many men that I talked to. Lies about where they were at when and if they ghosted for days to weeks at a time. Lies about their intentions when they showed evidence of opposing intentions. And you better believe that if a man told me he was serving in the military, or had served in the military, I was asking for proof; either a DD 214 or a military ID please and thank you. I refused to forgive anything. I was hurt, and when they lied to me I was not very forgiving. It’s always going to be a trigger. It almost always feels like a ‘mind game’ that people are playing. I had to also have a lot of space for myself, to heal. I knew I was jaded. I knew that love cannot be nurtered if I continued to sit in pain. The one silver lining I can say about living with pathological liars? They gave me a hell of a ‘Bullshit detector”. I have always had a kind heart, but what I didn’t have was boundaries. A kind heart needs boundaries, otherwise, it shatters into a million pieces. I know now that trust can only get built with time, patience, and most importantly, an honest relationship. And you will not know it’s honest unless you see visible proof over time. And if you do spot too many lies, you need to have the self worth/ love/ capability to be able to end it. Otherwise you will always be susceptible to the same crap treatment.
I still Choose Honesty
The crazy thing though? Despite all of my trauma, I still told the TRUTH. I never became a liar to punish others simply because I was lied to. It’s evil, it goes against my moral code. And I do not understand how anyone can live a double life. It’s exhausting. Even my ex ex admitted to me recently that it is quite exhausting balancing multiple girls that do not know about each other. In fact, my female friends often tell me ‘that I am too honest for my own good’. My honesty has gotten me in trouble with many men. My honesty forced (during my online dating ventures) me to tell people that “I am not ready to be monogomous or exclusive” while most people would instead say that ‘they are single’ and leave it at that. My brutal honesty has gotten me in situations where men (that I actually really liked) have lashed out with revenge tactics due to jealousy and hurt. Because again, I’m not going to feed you a fantasy, I’m going to give you the reality. Take it or leave it. A lie get’s you what you want in a moment, a Truth will chase away what you do not need.
Functionally Mental