No Faith

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 07-20-2023

“But then again, I have a soul. That extends beyond this vision and flesh. That reaches up; can feel the sky. The world, spirit, and Universe enmesh.” -EaE

I was six years old when I first went to Catholic school in Houston, TX. The jumper uniforms, the church, the strict teachers, the Wednesday mandatory service. The bible teachings, the morals and lessons. I was a child of neglect/ abandonment and abuse already, and I did not yet know how to read. The teachers and my grandmother harped on me until I got it right. Many lectures, a lot of getting screamed at and pinched until “I got it right”. I was petrified of getting paddled like some of the other kids so I continued to stay timid and shy. But, I did believe in God. My grandmother believed in God, and my teachers believed in God. Catholicism taught me this: “Pray and God will answer you”. So, I tried to do this. I prayed, prayed, and prayed again. I wanted my Mom and Dad back, that is all I ever asked for. My Mom came, only to give up after 1-2 weeks and abandon us (me and my older brother) again. And my Dad had promised us ‘it will only be a few months of living at Grandma’s’ while he served in the USMC. Well, a few months turned into 5 years. I was so angry that by the time I was 9 years old, I ripped the Jesus picture off of my wall and threw it. “There is no God or Heaven”, I already had that mindset. Then, it morphed into me putting two and two together: ‘They made up Santa Clause, they probably made this up too.’ It’s … like a Fairy Tale. I never told my Grandother that I became “Atheist”. She still insisted I pray at night time.

My Dad picked us up to take us to CA when I was 10, almost 11. Through my Preteen and teen years I was a bitter, pessimistic, depressed and emotional girl. I judged religion a lot. I hated it. The bibles, the talks about the bible, the churches, the praying. I just kept thinking “It’s not real, how can anyone think it is without seeing it? Without any proof?” I looked for signs, I came up empty. I couldn’t ‘feel’ or ‘see’ any spirits. Friends tried to convert me back to believing and they always fell short. Throughout the years sometimes I would hear my Dad and stepmom argue about religion. She was a christian, while My dad was atheist. Neither one of them could convince the other. I thought my Dad made a lot of ‘good points’, about saying ‘anyone could have written that thing’; The bible. Then again, I was already Bias.

I enlisted in the Air force at 18. In the military, it did not change much. I went to Church in Bootcamp just to have a few hours of peace and cry. I didn’t like it, I just needed it because, well, Bootcamp is horrific. But, at some point I was able to admit to myself, at the very least: I have no clue what happens after death, but I doubt it’s ‘nothing at all’, otherwise what the heck is all of this about? I then realized that I am agnostic. I am not claiming there is ‘nothing’, but I am not claiming there is something. I am not going to claim to know something I do not know. Because as of now, nothing has given me all the answers to all of my questions. Not religion, Not the military cult, not science, not friends or family, not even living life itself. Nothing. I know nothing. During my deployment to Afghanistan, a Catholic soldier was very offended when he inquired about my religious preferences. I simply used the term Agnostic. “So you choose to exist with ignorance in this world?” My reply: “We are all ignorant, some of us are just willing to admit it”.

Fast forward to many years later; My late twenties. I decided to try hallucinogens. There were already some studies that suggested they can help with Depression and PTSD and I was quite desperate. It is a hard thing to explain, because if you have not tried the substance, there is no way you can truly understand how it feels. It morphs the way you see things, the way you feel things, and the way you understand life. At first it was simply a relief, to not feel depressed 24/7. And to not ruminate on the same awful thoughts 24/7. Then by my early thirties I started to notice a shift. I became both fixated and petrified of death. I feared it, I questioned it, then I wanted it and even sometimes insisted on it. The happiest I ever felt, was on a hallucinogen. But also, the most suicidal I have ever felt, was on a hallucinogen.

My very last trip was the most terrifying one, before I decided to stop all together. My brain went from happy and silly, to dark and suicidal, to then dying… (falling asleep but it felt like death). Then I woke up and threw up. Then I spent an entire excruciating night on a ‘bad trip’. It’s what people call “An Ego death”. When your mind is no longer a part of reality. When you as a person have no sense of reality. I died and came back to life. I morphed into other humans during this trip. My memories were so distant that I started to question if they had ever happened. I was no longer me, and the world was no longer seperate. Everything bled together, and for at least 5 minutes, I had all answers. Everything made sense. I had no more fear and no more questions. I understood life in that moment. I understood true reality, that nothing was real. I am not an individual I am one with everything, and everything is one with me. There is no time. There is no people. There is no space. There is no ‘life’. We bleed together and move together, but nothing is truly real. Understand??? I don’t understand it either. It was just, in that moment, I understood.

I was sober by the morning and simply grateful to be back to ‘my normal self’. I wish I could say more. I just know that this took me further into the realm of spirituality. I do not believe religious people ‘are crazy’, or dumb at all. As a matter of fact, I have a feeling they have an innate ability to access something that I cannot (Unless I’m on drugs). Maybe they have more spiritual intelligence than I do. Maybe they have greater access to a realm that I do not have. Just like I have a very high emotional intelligence and some people lack it all together. That is a possiblity. We live in the confines of our own body and brain, and have the ignorance to think that everyone feels, see’s and experiences everything in the exact same way. Currently, I’m dating someone that is religious to some extent. He has gone to church more than I have, he believes a bit more than I do. He likes to pray sometimes, and he likes to hang up Mother Mary on the wall. I told him recently that I ‘wish i could just believe again’. He said “Then do it. Choose to”.

It may not be something I can feel or access, but it is now something I want. To have answers to what awaits us after death. I went on a blackhole research spiral recently, where I looked up documentaries interviewing people after they ‘died and came back to life’. I was quite fascinated to hear very similiar stories but from very diverse people around the world. Stories of being able to talk to ‘their loved ones’ that are ‘already on the other side’. Stories of feeling elevated, not ‘weighed down’ by a body, extremely happy and ‘light’. Stories of seeing and feeling light, water, nature in the most beautiful way possible. I had talked to the Chaplain at my job recently about my ‘Ego death trip’. He was weirded out and did not know what to say. It was evident he had never experienced a ‘drug induced psychotic break’. He ended up opening the bible to read things to me. But that’s not what I wanted. I don’t want a book. My substance abuse counselor recently told me to ‘go to church’ if I’m so concerned about ‘not having answers’. I don’t want a Church. A book and a church does not cut it for someone that is ‘void of faith’. I’ve tried all of that already, many times. I also respect that it does work for some people. I have clients with strong religious preferences that have expressed that it helps their mental health alot. I respect that. But, I want to explore without the confines of lectures, walls and text. I want to find things. At the very least, I’m open minded enough NOT to reject what I DO NOT know yet.

My Messy Entrepreniural Journey

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 06-29-2023

I never want to be the person that harrasses or clickbaits people online. I don’t want to be the person to give an annoying sales pitch. I don’t want to be that cliche person that posts moons and stars in someone’s DM’s and promises them an enriching journey of life coaching if they just ‘buy my book’. I am an entrepreneur, and I do have things that I have created and/ or invested in that I sell. But I am not a sales person. This isn’t a story of me ‘working my way toward financial freedom’, i’m not even close. I cannot guarantee it will even happen. This is an honest story of my experiences so far as an entrepreneur, while still working a ‘9-5’ because… how else will I pay my bills? I find that most successful entrepeneurs only want to show off their destination, but they rarely share the messy journey. I find this not only disingenuious, but quite frustrating. It leads people to build unhealthy expectations regarding what it really takes to build or create something new, and to see it through year after year after year. It is so easy to give up. I have given up on some things, while other things I continue to pursue with a vengeance. I have had some hard lesson’s through the years, and those are the lesson’s I wish to share so that other’s don’t have to be in shock, maybe I can give people some golden nuggets of truth.

My experiences with Fighter and Gym management

This was purely on accident and unintentional, but it happened for a brief period of time. The pandemic of 2020 hit while I was living in Brooklyn and training at both a BJJ school, and with a Muay Thai team. Every gym closed down. Fighters were left desperate without a way to train or fight, and some of them were pro; their careers and income were on the line. While other people trained for their mental health, and desperately needed that outlet. I was living with my ex at the time in a building he worked as the superintendant for. So, we started by converting a small basement room into a gym. I used my first stimulus check to buy a nice wrestling mat along with some other workout equipment. Before we knew it, we were inviting our friends to train in a place that was judgement free. They started paying us voluntarily. We had a mini gym. My muay thai coach needed a place to train, we used the money from the “hotbox’ gym (we enjoyed smoking weed while training) to help rent some MMA trng space along with the coach. We then made what I considered to be the best ‘MMA team in Brooklyn’ (it only lasted a few months). But damn was this a fun/ interesting time. I realized from my ex and other fighters, that a lot of them needed help with contracts and paperwork in general. For example, I worked out the contract for the fighters and for the shared space. I did the paperwork leading up to my ex’s MMA fight. He then referred a friend to me. I helped his pro fighter friend get a fight in Florida. I even convinced the promoter to agree to pay for his flight! I was then ‘dumped’ as he ‘did not need a manager all of a sudden’, (after I already helped). OOPS! I Forgot to do a contract for that! Some people take your help and dump you right after, so they don’t have to pay you commission from their fight. Good to know! Also things got messy with the rented gym space. They tried to increase the price on us very suddenly while reducing our mat time hours, so we pulled out. I was relieved only because I also sensed a lot of hate. Some people that you train with… the moment you have ‘authority’ over them, they start to hate you and become very passive aggressive. I decided after all of this, nevermind, I do not want to be a fight manager.

HotBox&Roll
What I called the “Glamour gym” that we rented & trained out of. (It belonged to some rich guy in the northern part of Brooklyn)

My experiences as a published author with a publishing company

My dream was finally coming true! A dream I had since I was six years old. To publish a book. I had already written about 8 chapters when I decided to show it to a friend/ training partner of mine who worked in publishing. She immediately gravitated toward it; a book for military/ veterans that are suffering from PTSD. But not the typical book, a book from a therapist/ veteran that’s coming from an angle of personal experience, and sharing trauma stories, interventions, resources and compassion. I thoroughly scrubbed the publishing agreement. I am paranoid after all. When something feels too good to be true, it usually is. I did publish my first book and I have sold close to 300 copies at this point, so not a lot. Authors do not get a lot of commission on their own work. Sadly, what I have had to learn the hard way, is that the publisher, artist, editor and distributors all get paid before the author. (Despite the fact that there wouldn’t be a book without us) I published my first book in July of 2021, I still haven’t received a dime. I am not supposed to receive money until I reach 250 dollars worth of profit, I knew that already. But, what I came to learn the hard way is that if I do not sell enough, there’s potential that I will owe them money! Distribution fee’s are annual; At least with my publishing company they are, and they get directly taken out of my royalty earnings. (I was so close to 250 dollars of earnings but then they hit me with the 60 dollar distribution fee) So my decision then becomes to either keep the book in distribution and risk owing money if my sells remain stagnant, or pull my book out of distribution to get what little money I did make; but then never have my book distributed on the shelves and in the online stores again. Again, I’m not a sales woman and I am petrified of doing in person workshops or door to door sales, so it’s likely that by November, my first book could be out of distribution. 😦 (They won’t say it, but I believe this is how they ‘weed out’ the low selling authors.)

Unseen: Uncovering the Invisible Wounds of Military Trauma Link to order: https://www.amazon.com/Unseen-Uncovering-Invisible-Wounds-Military/dp/1631953532

My experiences with self publishing and blogging

Given what I had to learn the hard way, it’s a good thing that I ‘self published’ my second book with a simple online platform called Ingram Spark. My first go around with Ingram was not pleasant. It was not as user friendly as they portrayed, and I accidently went with a free ISBN not understanding what that ‘actually meant’, I did not read the fine print. I accidently published an online ebook that was unedited and ‘did not belong to me’. Scratch that! Pretend it DID NOT happen. I then made a ‘second edition’ of my mental health quotes and poems book with added content and PURCHASED the ISBN’s this time, for full ownership. I was then able to edit and see a rough draft before I approved it for publishing. I actually ‘earn less’ on this book than I do my first book. As It’s a shorter and cheaper book and the company takes a lot of royalties. However, they pay me quarterly NO MATTER how much I make. No silly 250 dollar rule! So I have already received some payments for my second book, published in November of 2022. It’s often usually just 20 dollars or less in a 3 month period! Not much at all, but it did not cost much to create this book either. And, instead of hiring a professional editor, I edited this one myself. Just some simple spellcheck as this book did not require near the edits that my first book did. This is why they say, self publish. It all makes sense to me now, I was just clueless when I was a new author and did not believe I had the skills to do it myself. I also self publish on this very blog. I would say the most disheartening thing about being a published and very active writer, is that it reminds you of how little people care about reading these days. I simply cannot compete with video content and online porn. I work hard toward my writing craft and get next to nothing in return. The only thing that makes it worth it? I love to write. That’s it.

In My Head 2nd Edition Mental Health Quotes and Poems https://a.co/d/g1ax6Nq

My experiences as a Social Media ‘influencer’ and Podcast panelist

Since I cannot handle in person sells, I really took to social media and podcasting as my main strategy for advertising my books. I do have an author website that a friend was kind enough to build for me. I have another good friend who continues to help build it for me when changes need to be made. On my website are links to my books, blog and glamping site (which you will read more about below). This very blog also links to my website and is linked to my Amazon author account! I have writer pages on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. I also have closed facebook groups to help people, and very occassionally, self promote. These groups include ShortygirlMMA, for short women that train in martial arts. Still I roll, a group for people that train BJJ and suffer from mental health conditions. And a Veteran transition support group page on FB & Instagram; exclusively for Veterans only. You may be wondering what any of this has to do with selling my books. But what I have learned over time is that in order to encourage people to buy things, it’s best that they know who they are buying it from. Therefore, you must build a ‘social media personality’ and presence. Whether you feel like it or not, it’s the way of the world now. With podcasts, I generally get invited to podcasts where the niche is either for: veterans, authors and/ or mental health in general. I still get extreme stage fright, even when it’s just through a screen. I always remind myself that the information I am sharing with people can be of some use. I am generally doing my best to help people, so then it’s worth pushing myself through the fear of judgement. What’s the hiccups in this realm? Well, many people will waste your time. Many will interview you and not schedule you for a podcast after all. Many will podcast you, but then never publish it. You have to be ready for dissapointment always.

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/lj-haywood-podcaster_mentalhealth-veterans-military-activity-7057128558413934594-tJKB?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_ios

My experiences as a Glamping Host

And finally, my most recent endeavor has been as a glamping host. This is the most recent as I have only been a home owner for a little over a year. I’ve been told investing in property is one of the best things we can do. I couldn’t agree more. Why glamping? Well it was the cheaper option, and after all, I am not made of money. My current boyfriend and me had the original idea of converting a shed into a tiny home, but with rising costs, we knew it would be insanely expensive to get the lumber and everything else. I bought a teepee bell tent instead. My boyfriend has a background in construction, janitorial, repair work, carpentry, and AirBnB cleaning! Perfect skills to build our vision! Meanwhile, I am the investor, but without the building skills. Teamwork is everything. He built an incredible platform with pallets & plywood so that the tent does not get soaked; luckily a flood warned us of this in advance; so we did not just set the tent in the dirt. He built an outhouse near the platform and brought in an outdoor shower, while I purchased an RV compost toilet/ sink combo. Furnishing it was practically free as we had many things from him moving in with me. I bought whatever else was needed; carpets, tent lighting, outdoor solar lights, bedding, new towels. The first dissapointment was our little wood stove with a chimney, the desert wind kept destroying it. We gave up on it and settled with a space heater and back up propane heaters. We soon learned that our guests cause a lot of wear and tear, and the amount of money we were getting was not close to what we should earn considering both the prep time and time to fix damages; tent tears/ messes. Sadly by glamper # 8, the tent was torn beyond repair. We tried, and then the wind reopened the tear. We also felt that the anxiety of ‘whether or not the tent will hold up through extreme desert weather is just not worth it. So, I am investing more after all. With a hardened structure for glamping! My stepmom actually came up with an amazing idea that’s a bit more pricy vs a tent, but not as pricy as getting a tiny house or cabin. We put up a gazebo! And we will be taking the time to use our creative minds to convert it into a shack or cabin. My glamping business has generated the most money out of anything I have created so far. I have hope one day, that it will be profitable!

Glamping Hub (account deactivated while we are renovating)
The Gazebo that we are turning into a Glamp Shack slowly but surely… stay tuned!

Hypocritical Therapist

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 06-22-2023

“You should know better, you are a therapist….”

“I want my therapist to not have flaws because I want to trust that they can guide me right.”

“You’re not mentally ill though!”

“How are you going to help someone when you have the same problem?”

Oh… if I had a dime for every time I heard something from the above list. I am a therapist which means that essentially, people expect different from me vs what they would expect from any other human being. This is despite the fact, that I am also, a human being.

I don’t think this should have to be clarified, but it does. Therapists can be mentally ill. Therapists can fall into drug addictions. Therapists can find themselves in toxic relationships. Therapists can give the same clinical advice over and over again, and not take that advice themselves. So yeah, therapists can be hypocritical.

I’m a therapist with depression and sometimes my low motivation gets the best of me: I know how the depressive cycle works on a clinical level and on a personal level. Therefore I know that I must exhaustingly fight through low energy and low motivation to the best of my ability if I want any hopes of being a “normal functioning human”. But, sometimes I feel like I can’t. Sometimes my brain feels severely foggy and my body feels like it can’t move. This deters me from going outside, from being around people, from attempts to find joy. On a positive note, I don’t force feed toxic positivity messages to my clients with depression. I know better!

I’m a therapist with a drug addiction history: My father found it ironic that I was applying to work in a substance abuse clinic at one point, when I in fact, use drugs and have been enrolled in substance abuse treatment. As a matter of fact, I’m on a medication that helps curb my appetite toward addictive tendencies. I am not yet a “success story” as I am not fully sober. But I do engage in very effective harm reduction strategies. I had to. Because at one point I found myself in some pretty serious drug induced psychotic episodes. I’ve learned the hard way. I can also help others find effective and helpful strategies Vs the cliche “just quit or be sober”.

I’m a therapist that dated a narcissist: The aftermath of dating a narcissistic is humiliating. Even more frustrating when people throw out this line: “you’re a therapist though, why couldn’t you see the signs??” Two reasons; there’s plenty of therapists that come from abusive backgrounds, I’m one of them. Sometimes we are attracted to the mental health field because we are seeking answers to our problems and also how we can help family and friends. Then, therapists see the world through a very horrific lens. It can jade us into believing: “our life really isn’t that bad in comparison”… even when it is.

I’m a therapist that has had long term toxic friend ships: It felt quite hypocritical to discuss the risk of toxic friendships with my clients and help them explore red flags, while I myself, was ignoring so many of them. And allowing myself to get bull dozed and hurt. It’s called denial. Denial is our friend when we can’t handle the truth yet. But in the long run, denial is our worst enemy. Sometimes it’s hard to confront reality. That maybe, I’m letting myself get taken advantage of, and I should really take charge and do something about it. Even if it means… gasp! Disappointing someone in order to preserve my sanity. Kind people are at high risk of getting used. It’s nice to believe everyone is a true friend, but in some cases, they have ulterior motives.

I’m a therapist that used to sit on my ass and binge eat all evening My after work ritual (for many years) was to binge watch TV while I binged junk food. And then I would cry and have no idea why. I would feel self hatred. And then I would get up and work again, then workout like a maniac right after work to punish myself. Then I was hungry, yet again, for my binge ritual. I felt little to no control over this. I did not have even the slightest handle on this until I was 27 years old and started to seek out therapy for my eating disorder. Everything before that was me hiding this part of myself to stay in the military. I help primary care patients when they have weight management concerns tied to eating disorders or food addictions and I find helping this clientele in particular very rewarding.

I’m a therapist that has given terrible advice: All therapists will admit that there is no such thing as a perfect one. Sometimes we won’t be someone’s cup of tea. Or sometimes with the intent to help, we could accidentally cause more harm. This includes pushing people too hard to share things they aren’t ready to. It could include pushing people to take action before they are ready. It could include choosing a harsh intervention or an inappropriate one. I try not to look back and cringe too much at the younger version of myself. We don’t know what we don’t know. But I need to remember in order to do better now.

I am a therapist that doesn’t want to therapist anymore: I’ve worked in the mental health field for about 15 years. Only 4.5 of those years have been specific to being a true “clinical therapist”. I’m already burnt out. Because I have PTSD, depression, hypersomnia, an eating disorder and addiction problems, I was worn down faster. Also I only recently stopped with toxic relationships and finally started prioritizing my self care only 2.5 years ago. Currently I’m a consultant, not a therapist. This feels like a better fit, much less emotionally damaging. I don’t have anything to prove. I’m not ashamed to admit I can’t give therapy for 20-30 plus years. Once upon a time it was my “dream”. Dreams change. People learn and grow.

Battle of the Sexes

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-14-2023

“Women are more than sex objects and house maids, just as men are more than an ATM or a gift dispenser.” -EaE

In the past decade or so we have seen an influx on research statistics regarding the ‘death of the nuclear family’ so to speak. Some common findings that are coming out include the fact that there are less people getting married, there are more single parent households, there are less people have children in general, there are more money making women now than there has ever been in the history of the U.S. There are more people staying single, cheating or playing the field. Polyamory (ethically/ openly having or loving multiple partners) is on the rise as well. People are in an uproar about these societal shifts, and with any good uproar, what happens? The blame game. Men are blaming women, women are blaming men. I go on the clubhouse app (audio chat rooms) just like I do facebook to hear or read the arguments. It’s cyclical in nature, and nothing ever get’s resolved. “All women are Only fans Ho’s now”, “Men aint shit”, “Women only want assholes”, “Men don’t know how to provide anymore”… etc etc.

I’m going to list off some of the most nonsensical, or ridiculous statements I have heard on both sides (no double standards we are going to keep this fair) and try my best to rebuttle. With change comes friction, but hopefully, eventually…. acceptance. The country is changing. We (some of us men and women) are bringing ‘old fashioned values’ into a new fashioned world and everything is clashing. Once the clash sets in, we experience mental shock and anger. Then blame. Blame blame blame. I believe that there are good men out there that have been hurt by evil women. And I believe that there are good women out there that have been hurt by evil men. And then those hurt souls are walking around with trauma and attachment issues, leaving them more vulnerable, but also more susceptible to getting damaged or damaging. Then the evil men and women go around and continue to hurt more people. Mostly because they can, they don’t care, and no one has dared to hold them accountable. And now, we all live in this deluted world where the people we are supposed to be attracted to and ‘love’ are now seen as our greatest enemy.

(Though this blog is going to talk about heterosexual Cis relationships, I want to acknowledge that within the LGBTQ community; many of the same things will apply. They struggle with their relationships as well, and have the added layer of societal discrimination as they are the minority.)

Women can sell their ‘buttholes’ online and pay the rent Yes, there is a rise of women selling nude photos and/ or porn on the internet, but there are also many women that will never do this as their chosen profession. More than anything, this is a statement of jealousy within a context of “women don’t have to ‘work hard’ and they can get tons of money.” I have never sold my own porn, but I can imagine from what I have seen, porn is WORK. ‘Sex work is work’ as they say. It is a job that people have the right to choose. And, if you do not want to date someone who sells porn, it’s simple… don’t. Also, OnlyFans and other porn platforms are not just for women to seek employment, men can sell their ‘buttholes’ too. The reason it is ‘not as profitable’ for men, is because the largest consumers of porn are MEN, and they often want to see naked women. Frankly, if you talk crap about female porn stars, while simultaneously masterbating to them, you are a hyprocrite.

Men don’t work anymore Plenty of men still work. This is an insult to all of the hard working men out there. It may not be a conventionally ‘masculine’ job, or maybe they decided to…. ‘gasp’! Take … some….. time …. off. Because, we are learning as a society that working ourselves to death can be counter productive. Some women view men as ‘robotic energizer bunnies’ that don’t require rest… and honestly, that is dehumanizing. There are even some men now in the roles as stay at home boyfriends or husbands, or stay at home Dad’s. And though it’s not paid work, domestic work is work too; whether it is a man or woman doing it. And some couple’s can make it work, while simultaneously being happy. But obviously, yes men are still working. They are our supervisors, colleagues, subordinates and more. If you are angry because they don’t do a chore often or they don’t do a chore to your liking, just say that. Imperfection is not the same as laziness, or ‘not working’. Anytime you enjoy a modern luxary today, chances are high that a man helped make it happen.

But can she cook and clean though?? Please stop assigning a woman’s value to her cooking and cleaning abilities, as well as her looks. Women have been in the work force for plenty of decades at this point, why are we still fixated on cooking and cleaning being ‘solely a womans job’? Through all of my military career, college education, therapist and writing career, I cannot tell you how infuritating it is to have all of those accomplishments ‘glossed over’ while someone fixates on the fact that I simply ‘suck at cleaning’. While being mocked and laughted at. (I am a great cook though but that’s beside the point) If you are with a domestic partner (man or woman) then yes; their cooking/ cleaning abilities are important. If you are with a working woman, cooking/ cleaning should not be a high expectation; it should be a role that both parties fulfill/ switch off on. If both a man/ woman are working and paying bills; house chores should be split as 50/50 as possible.

He should Pay! And following up on the fact that women have been working for plenty of decades, we have been making money too! And since we have been making money too, it makes sense that we can also be financial providers. Or even, pay on some dates, or go dutch; whatever. Especially with the cost of living being astronomically high, why is it fair that the man pay for everything? Just like how women aren’t necessarily cooks/ maids anymore, men are not necessarily going to be able to be a sole provider and afford the house, car, kid’s, amenities etc. Help your partner. Don’t hide behind the guise of an old fashioned/ out dated norm. And if you as a woman make money, and you guilt trip him into paying for everything while you hoard your money or go on shopping sprees, I would honestly say that borderlines financial abuse. Let’s (as women) put ourselves in their shoes; with your job, could you afford to pay for all of those dates and every single thing that you have right now? Most middle class American’s require duel incomes in their home’s, so the chances are the answer is: No.

Women get paid less because they work less hard The debate of the gender pay gap is still going strong, though it seems the gap is close to non existent… finally. Truthfully, I do not know about this on a personal level, as I have always worked for the Federal government and get paid the same wage as my male counterparts of the same rank and/ or degree/ licensing. A netflix documentary called ‘explained’ suggests that the gap is due to women often taking on more of the parenting responsibliities, which leaves them unable to work over time. This makes women less competitive for promotions. So the next time you want to pretend women aren’t working hard, consider that they are taking on the bulk of a responsiblity that most men avoid; parenthood. Someone has to do it, and the pressure still lies (as a majority) on the woman. No one can do both at the same time; parent and work. Humans cannot multi task, we can only task switch. This also expalins why less woman are parents now, some choose to focus on their career as they know they cannot juggle both and be ‘highly’ successful at both for 18+ years.

I deserve a man that works, makes six figures, cleans, stays loyal, is tall, is funny, is a ‘bad boy’ but turned good for me, amazing in bed, huge D%$k… etc etc Overall, I believe there’s a trend of many people (these days) having insanely high expectations. Unfortunately for women, they tend to have some pretty extensive checklists that set them up for failure. Sometimes I blame Disney, sometimes I blame Romcoms, sometimes I blame our female peers and ‘mentors’ that preach their ‘words of wisdom’ to us growing up. If you believe you can somehow get everything in the above list, you are delusional. Approaching new people with an extensive checklist is killing modern relationships. One box is not checked off… sorry you’re out! Not to mention, most of the traits or accomplishments above have nothing to do with relationship compatibility: compromising, collaborating, teamwork, accountability, good intentions, empathy, gratitude, shared values, relationship or family oriented. If anything, make that your new list.

Women need to let men “Lead” again Women don’t need to let men lead them. Women do not need to submit to men. Women do not need to necessarily live with or marry men. Women are free to do what they want. If they want a relationship, cool. If they want to stay single, also cool. If they want kid’s, cool. If they do not want kid’s, cool. America is supposed to be the land of the free, why not try to keep it that way by respecting every individuals ‘right to self determination’? Or does that only apply where we ‘think it should apply..?’ Freedom is freedom. Women shouldn’t be able to control men, men shouldn’t be able to control women. No human should be able to control another. No human should be pressured to submit to another for that other person’s ‘gain’. I want to believe and hope that there is no such thing as a ‘second class citizen’ anymore. That is what we have been trying to eradicate with many social movements.

I don’t ‘Need” a Man, period. And, while it is technically true that we (women) do not need to live with, marry or financially depend on men….. We still NEED men. Just in different ways. Unless you are living in the wilderness like Tarzan with zero technology and living off of the fruits of the land…. you need other people; men and women. Even if you are a woman with a career, good pay, and your own apartment or house, you do need men in the world. You might need your male (hypothetically) supervisor at work to direct you, or your male colleague to engage in effective teamwork. When you grocery shop, when you purchase any service provider, when you hire people to help you with things you cannot do independantly, chances are you are relying, sometimes, on men to help. Some men may have hurt you and traumatized you, and for that I’m sorry for you. I know the feeling. But, it does not mean ‘men ain’t shit’. There are still men that are not only kind, but doing incredible things for our society. We need each other. Maybe not always intimately or domestically, but we damn well better learn to get along.

Remember… “You signed up for this”

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-26-2023

“How many people can say that they know the look in a person’s eyes who is already dead? Mind made up. Ready to go to heaven. Ready to end it all, and then he did. I will never not blame myself.” -EaE

Everyone asks me why I wrote my first book that was published in July of 2021; Unseen: Uncovering the Invisible wounds of Military trauma. My textbook answer is that I did not like what I had seen so far with the military/ veteran trauma literature. I also hated most of the war movies that I watched after my Afghanistan deployment. And why do I hate the war movies? My textbook answer is that they do not portray PTSD accurately, and they do not portray military and veteran struggles accurately. This is all true, and I still stand by it. But let me give you a more real and raw answer. I hate war movies, because war is NOT entertaining after you have been to war. War, is seeing all of the most ugly and horrific things that humans can do to each other. And then, coming back home from war is hearing an endless tirade of nonempathic people telling you: “Well, you signed up for it.” Or “You know what you signed up for….”. News Flash! A 17-21 year old barely adult (I was 18 when I enlisted and 21 going on 22 when I deployed), does not know what they are signing up for. There is a reason the military recruitment strategy goes for that age range… and if you have not figured it out by now, then just think about it really hard for a few minutes.

Another Memorial Day is about to come and go. There will be people that suffer through the memories of those they have lost. Men and women that have died in battle, men and women that have died by suicide after being exposed to insurmountable trauma and mental illness. People that have served will remember them. People that have stood by their loved ones that have served will worry about them. And then, there will be people having vacations and BBQ’s while wishing people a “Happy memorial day” and sometimes mistaking it for Veterans Day… which isn’t until November. Meanwhile the Military & Veteran suicide rates continue to rise, yet again. The once ‘awful’ VA medical systems are even more awful after the pandemic, which makes getting healthcare and mental healthcare take even longer. All the good Providers are leaving, they are burnt out after attempting to be the backbone of a ‘broken system’.

Why do People enlist or Commision into the Military?

It’s best not to make assumptions. I will list a variety of reason’s people may choose to sign up for the potential horror that is the Military.

  • They are poverty stricken (studies indicate the one theme that rings true for enlistees is many are in lower socioeconomic brackets).
  • They are terrified of going broke due to the economy & inflation so they decide to serve for the stability that is offered with the Military & Veteran benefits.
  • They are coming from ‘Broken homes’; Abuse & domestic violence traumas that lead them to flee out of desperation.
  • They may want a deeper sense of meaning/ purpose and believe they can find it by serving their country and others.
  • Their Family members have served and they are already accustomed to the culture of living on base and/ or traveling a lot.
  • They are bored and adrenaline hunting, or perhaps curious about the Military lifestyle and wanting to test themselves.
  • They’re self destructive and potentially facing incarcaration if they continue down a path of ‘too much freedom’ that leads them to make poor life choices. (And there have been cases in U.S. history where people were given only two choices: jail or military)

No, we do not know what we signed up for though

You cannot know something until you live it. I think we can all agree on that. People do not know what marriage feels like until they are married. A person does not know what parenting is like until they become a parent. A person will not know what college is like until they go to college. So of course, a person does not know what military service feels like until they are in the military. No exceptions. “You knew what you were signing up for” is never true, because before you signed up for it, how could you know? You had an idea of it. You may have had some ‘third party knowledge’ based off what other people told you. But, you did not know. Do not feel guilty for enlisting and hating a career that you could not predict. And, what makes the military harder than almost anything else in this world? The fact that once you’re in, there is no turning back. You must live that sacrifice you made to the fullest, while other’s get to control the narrative of you life.

They can station you anywhere, they can put you with any coworkers they want, they can decide ‘no you are not being harrassed by your leadership’ even if you are. They can withhold orders to another duty station. They can deploy you in week’s notice to a foreign country of their choosing. They can make you work for extreme periods of time with no overpay. They can wake you up in the middle of the night and raid your barracks room without a warrant; just off of a ‘hunch’ that some commander has based on rumors. They can make you stand for hours in extreme heat until you pass out. They can make you get back to work right after you saw death before your very eyes. They can make you work through grief and trauma; as a matter of fact they usually insist that you do. They can withhold your vacation leave no matter how desperate you are for a break. You cannot complain about any of it. You cannot quit, quitting and running away (AWOL) could mean prison time. That’s the true entrapment right there. Over the years, I have heard many people counter these hardships with arguments about ‘how their job is so hard too’. But, the bottom line is, a civilian can quit. A military member cannot. We sign up hoping for the best, and never being able to fathom just how bad it can get.

“Happy Memorial Day…???”

I have written a blog a couple of years ago already that stated a fact: It is NEVER a Happy Memorial day. So what can you say instead? To Military members and Veterans? I would suggest: “I am sorry for your loss if you happened to have lost anyone, and if you need anything I am here”. Because that is what a Memorial truly is. It is remembering those that have fallen. It is respecting and honoring the fallen, as well as being there for those that grieve them. Remember those that have given the ultimate sacrifice.

Mommy Dearest

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-15-2023

We take for granted the things we have always had, that we never had to lose. In this case, it does not feel like a privilege, but a ‘right.’ But, it’s never a right. We are entitled to nothing.

I have a recollection of puzzle pieced memories as a toddler. My life was very much fragmented, as I spent years in what can be referred to as ‘kinship foster’. But, it wasn’t formal or by the books. It was a decision that my biological mother made after she divorced my Dad and was granted full custody. To drop my brother and I off at random people’s homes while she took off for days or weeks at a time. A toddler doesn’t know very much at all. I just knew that I missed my Dad (USMC and always working), I missed my Mom (Why did she always have to leave?), and I did not know these strangers very well. Sometimes it was distant family, sometimes it was random ‘friends’ of hers. Were they happy people? No. Most of the time they seemed angry/ agitated at our existence. I mean, who wants to look after kids that arent’ theres? Some of them had their own kid’s to feed and take care of.

Sometimes our mother did give it her best. But, her best fell short. My brother and I fed ourselves when she was passed out in drug comas. We were exposed to a lot of things early that kid’s should not be exposed to due to lack of supervision, especially when we were left with strangers. The only time our Mom stuck around was when we were living with a new boyfriend of hers. Of course, her ‘picker was broken’ as they say in the mental health world. They were rarely good men, none of them were our father. One of my Mom’s boyfriends liked to physically abuse me. I believe he was a drug addict too, I feared him. He would hit, pinch, pull my hair while he appeared to be in ‘a daze’. When My mom walked in on this one day, I did catch a glimpse of what looked like ‘Mom instinct’. She confronted him, he denied everything as I recalled what he did to me. My brother recalls that when she dipped out on him in the middle of the night she pulled a fat stack of cash from his wallet.

When my Dad finally found us (this was before cell phones so it wasn’t exactly an easy mission for him while he was serving in the USMC), our Mom relinquished custody. My grandmother stepped up and offered to help, as my Dad could not single parent a 5 y/o (me) and an 8 y/o (My bro) while serving Active duty. So, off we went to Grandma’s. What our father assured us would be ‘a few months’ turned into five years. Living with grandma and Uncle. I actually saw my Mom only a few more times after this. Once in TX, once in AZ, once in CA, and then once again in AZ, on her death bed. Everytime was awkward and heart breaking. It always appeared that she was trying to be someone she was not (A domesticated lady), and eventually she would sprint away to her safe haven, yet again. And in her absence people assured me it wasn’t her fault or my own, it was ‘the drugs’. Honestly, people just didn’t know what to say. Especially on my Dad’s side, as most of the women have strong motherly instincts. So they could not understand my Mom at all.

I went from heartbroken to numb. By the time I was 11 going on 12 it was full on anger and then numb. When you cannot have someone, but you also cannot bear to miss them any longer, you go numb. What else can you do? You can’t make someone stay that does not want to stay. I believe that my mother had post partum depression along with other mental illnesses from her childhood. And of course, there was no denying she was a drug addict. Alcohol, meth, heroine and perhaps even more. I know she was abandoned by her parents at least once or twice and had to stay with other relatives. I know both of her parents were alcoholics too. Then to put the cherry on top, being a military spouse is insanely hard. I believe she was living a lifestyle that wasn’t meant for her.

Then at the age of almost 12, I inherited a stepmother. She was the polar opposite, she was extremely attentive, extremely in our business. Always there, always present. Sometimes to a point she drove us crazy. We had ups and downs. But, no matter how much we did not get along sometimes, one thing I reminded myself of always was “Your Mom refuses to be with you, she (Stepmom) is here, and she is doing what your Mom never did for you”. A villege raised me and my brother, and my stepmom was the last one in the picture before we became adults, but I like to think she helped fine tune my personality. She held me to what felt like impossible standards, but at the end of the day, I proved her right. I could be everything she believed I could be.

I spent my life secretly knowing that eventually I would get a call about my Bio Mom on her death bed. And it happened when I was just 20 years old. I remember thinking I would have this whole speech prepared. A speech of confrontation and anger. But when I saw her dying, all the anger went away. Why the hell would I want to confront her in her final days? Instead my Brother and I shared our life stories with her, and our future aspirations. She did smile wiht pride. I think it helped her to know that we ended up being okay, despite the damage she may have caused.

I have many triggers because I have PTSD. But one trigger on this topic, is people that are not grateful to their mothers. Especially when their mother’s are actively present, and have always been there, for better or worse in sickness and in health. People like to think that it’s ‘not a choice’, and parents must parent. But then again, there are many foster kids and orphans in the world still. There are many kid’s that come from broken homes and rarely get to see one if not both of their parents. People take for granted what they always got to have. It feels like a ‘right’, but honestly, its just plain luck. What cards did you get dealt? Maybe you hit the ‘good parent lotto’. Or maybe, your parents never wanted you and tossed you away without a care in the world.

Mother’s Day is always a day that I try to numb out. I usually get engrossed in other projects. My mother died in August of 2010. And i’ve spent the last 13 years dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions. It angered me, how even my closest friends could not acknowledge that this loss hurt me. I’ve even had some people believe that ‘because we were not close, that it must not be that bad’. In retrospect, I had to grieve my Mom before she died, and I had to grieve for her again after she died. Because she was actively killing herself for many years. With the lifestyle she lived, the lifestyle I had because of her, and the loss, it led to a lot of unanswered questions. Why did she leave? Why did she rarely come back? Why wasn’t I enough? Could I have done more? Could they have done more? Could we have been a family? How different would my life have been? Could something have prevented this? Will I be the same as her? (One of the many reason’s I do not want kids, is because I do not want to find out)

I don’t want to mess up anyone’s Holiday, Mother’s should be celebrated. Especially the good/ present/ attentive ones! But I have to admit, when I see those meme’s/ posts with the words “There is no love like a Mother’s Love”….. OUCH! This is not everyone’s truth. I wish it could be, but it’s not. For those of you that had a Bio Mom’s love and attention for most of your life, give her the gratitude she deserves. And for those, like me, that were abandoned by their Mom, but were able to get their parenting elsewhere, show those bonus parents your Love. Happy Mother’s Day to my Stepmom and Gram; the ladies that raised me for the longest periods of time. And to my Half brother’s Mom! (For teaching me about the uncomfortable topics when no one else was around) Happy Mother’s Day to my Boyfriends Mom & Grandma too. 🙂 And I am grateful to my Bio Mom for giving birth to me, and for the small slivers of time we had together, you did have a way of making me smile.

The Veterans Club Podcast

Click link below to watch the full episode

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/lj-haywood-podcaster_mentalhealth-veterans-military-activity-7057128558413934594-tJKB?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_ios

I sat down with LJ Haywood and other veteran panelists to discuss the stigma associated with mental health in the military and veteran population. We also highlighted some excerpts from my book Unseen: Uncovering the Invisible wounds of military trauma. To order click on link below:

https://www.elisaescalante.com/books.html

Work Work work work work

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-29-2023

It recently occurred to me that I have not yet written a blog specifically on the topic of how our stressful work lives/ environments factor into our deteriorating mental health. This is an important topic! As we often spend 40+ hours at our job’s week after week, month after month, year after year. I’ve had some debates regarding the U.S. workforce in the past… is 40-50 hours too much? It often depends on the type of work, as well as the workers personal mental health history. It also depends on whether or not they have physical disabilities as well. Then, it also depends on what is going on in their personal lives’ outside of work. Since I’ve worked primarily with military, veteran and military spouse populations, this adds a unique layer as well; deployments, traveling every 2-3 years, long extended missions out of state etc. I also must mention, the covid pandemic added yet, another layer of work stress. All of a sudden people had to figure out how to survive after being laid off in a moment’s notice. Or, find out how exactly they are supposed to work from home while also assist their kid with homeschooling. As a social worker, there was no way I was prepared for all of this. Yet, we were expected to continue working as essential employees, during a time where mandated social policies were forcing everyone into crisis mode/ acute stress reactions.

Managing your mental health when you’re a full-time worker

Toxic work environment Red flags– What to look out for when you are job hunting… a very large red flag are jobs that have high turnover rates. Sad, anxious and angry employees leave fast. I once interned at a clinic that had 4 people resign within one month, one of those people literally resigned after 4 days of working. So when the time came for me to job hunt for my first career post college, that was a very certain NO. Many people have also mentioned jobs that do not list pay and often avoid the topic of pay throughout the interview process… also a red flag. I one time had four interviews before I was hired by a Non profit in NYC. Throughout the entire process, pay was not mentioned. Then when HR finally said I was ‘hired’, I asked for the pay. It was pitiful. When I asked for a little bit more, they lied and said they would let me know. They never messaged or called me back, but instead hired someone else as fast as lightning. This indicates that this company does not care about quality workers, rather, they want someone that will work hard for little pay. Work sections with sexual, verbal, physical harassment, racism, homophobia, sexism, agism and so on…. NO. Work sections with a ton of gossip and passive aggressiveness, also a NO. This indicates a lot of resentment over time; and bad morale is contagious.

Boundaries & Self Advocacy– Whenever social workers ask me what type of curriculum do I wish there was more of in social work school, I always say without a doubt, more classes about boundaries and self advocacy. People love to throw around the terms, but rarely do they ever explain how to put this into action in a real life scenario. When people are new at a job, they want to make a good impression, they want to stay out of trouble, they often want to earn their keep. New workers are extra vulnerable toward being groomed for a toxic work environment, or a toxic grind/ hustle culture that can lead to burnout. They are extra susceptible to being taken advantage of. And don’t even get me started on new military members! A large part of self advocacy is making it clear/ communicating what amount of work leads you to feeling burnout. And a large part of boundaries includes being able to say no, reminding people you are on your break, and understanding that not everything you are tasked with is at the same priority level. Boundaries can also include delegating work as needed; no one should be doing everything. It’s also important to NOT enable the lazy worker, or the victim worker that often acts ‘helpless’. Even if someone is a slow learner, we do them a disservice by doing their work for them, and we will suffer in the long run. My main form of boundaries/ self advocacy with my current job was to insist on no more then ten patient slots a day; they tried to push me for 12. No No No No No.

Job Switching as Needed– Gone are the days of picking 1 career and sticking with it for 25 to 35 years in order to retire. Not that there is anything wrong with that, if you find something you love, and you can tolerate it for that long, that’s amazing! It’s not the rule anymore, more like the exception. Will we (Millennial & GenZ generations) have retirement pensions that could help us afford the increased cost of living? Are we willing to suffer through a job long enough to even find out? I don’t believe in urging anyone to stay in a position that they hate. Especially if it’s deteriorating their mental health or destroying their personal life along with it. And, since technological advancements, working from home opportunities, and entrepreneurship have given us more options, we don’t have to settle. We can, maybe, find something we are passionate about. Or, we can find a job that happens to respect the limitations of our mental illnesses. We don’t have to suffer to make money, per say. Job switch when you are miserable, explore, learn yourself, learn what works for you. Life’s too short to suffer miserably in a career you hate for decades.

Making the Most of your time off– What do many people do when they get home from a hard day? If you are zoning out into a screen all evening, eating junk, while dreading the next day, your mental health will likely suffer more. This was me for many years. I still do it… sometimes. But mental health teachings remind me that that type of routine is not a balanced one. I stumbled across a YouTube channel on micro adventures a few years back. This man encourages people to ‘no longer live in the 9-5 world, but rather, live in the 5-9 world. As in, live for your time after work, don’t’ let work be the center of all your worries and build mini adventures during that time off. I couldn’t agree more. I love little road trips and adventures, while I also love to have some down time to do ‘nothing’. No longer should we feel guilty for having the human need to rest both our bodies and brains too. If you work hard, you need to play hard and rest hard. I took that concept of micro adventures and also started to use it in other areas of my life. Micro dose adventures, and drugs, and chores, and workouts, and intimacy, and cheap entertainment. If we do not have a plan of action after work, we may get lost in a vacuum (screen) and lose all sense of time and goals. Now a days, I tell myself to try to do at least 2 or 3 things an evening out of the following list: Workout, cook, chores, sex, write, sing, or TV. No specific time pressure’s, just remain conscious and productive… sometimes. Stay balanced and live with less regret.

Work is NOT your life, your purpose, or your entire identity– I’ve worked with some clients that spent their entire lives ‘living for their work’ and becoming addicted to work. Most commonly, this issue manifests due to a desperate need for emotional avoidance or escapism from a life they are not happy with outside of work. It can also manifest due to heavy societal pressures to produce and consume at rapid rates. They also have obligatory thought patterns that plague their brains: “I should”, “I must”, “I need to”, “I have to”, “I’m lazy If I do not do….” etc etc. Unfortunately, when they near retirement they appear to be having an ‘Existential Crisis’ so to speak. Who will they be now? After work is gone? No more distraction while they live with what surrounds them outside of their job and whatever exists in their head that they cannot get a grip on. This is the unfortunate reality of a person that allowed work to become their entire purpose and identity. They were unable to nurture other aspects of their lives such as: family, friends, relationships, fun hobbies. They were unable to nurture their body, mind and soul as it deserved to be nurtured. They are not a whole or balanced human. They lived on autopilot with fear controlling the majority of their actions. Work is important… it pays the bills, it helps you learn and grow. Sometimes it is even fun and joyful, but it is not your entire life.

Learning the Art of Love

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-28-2023

‘Unconditional love is for kids. Grownups need conditions. If you surrender all your love without conditions, it means you don’t have love for yourself.’ -EaE

‘He felt like my favorite coffee right next to a warm fireplace that never went out. If that makes any sense at all…. just pure comfort and ease.‘ -EaE

Why is love an art more than it is a science? Perhaps because it is just as much about actions as it is about feelings… perhaps maybe even more about action than anything else. I am NOT a Marital therapist. I never have been and I never will be. Anyone that knows me, knows that. I refuse to listen to married couples bicker all day about ‘who’s right’ and ‘who’s wrong’. I grew up in a world of witnessing unhealthy relationships. Only to become one of those people that would go through my own unhealthy relationships. I have seen and/ or directly experienced domestic violence, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, malnourishment, substance abuse, suicidal threats, abandonment and more. I feared love. In actuality, I feared the only love that I ever saw: unhealthy/ toxic love. I always feared marriage. ‘It’s a trap!” My father, oddly enough, taught me to be the type of woman he never wanted: independant. Someone that does not need to rely on another person, someone that does not allow their fate be determined by anyone else. Being taught that love is ‘unhealthy’, and being taught to ‘fear it’, led to me self sabotaging every situationship/ relationship, right from the start. Ruining it before it even get’s started. Pushing away love is what the abandoned/ neglected do. It’s the ultimate test of ‘who is actually going to stay?’ Especially when times get hard.

I learned too much ‘the Hard way’

Sometimes I wonder, could I have appreciated the healthy love that I have right now, had I not endured so much toxic love? I don’t know that I could have. I believe in social conditioning, I believe in the nurture factor. I am a social worker after all. I have seen many of my friends that have grown up in stable families go on to have long marriages with kids. And I have seen myself and my friends and clients with ‘not so stable upbringings’ go onto have tremendous difficulty with relationships. We are modeled ‘the art of love’. Some people love in the ‘crazy and twisted way’ they learn how to love. For some people, love is angry and desperate. For other’s, love is steady and calm. It took roughly 32 years for me to understand that I do NOT want Toxic love anymore. With relationships and friendships. I was finally done. And when that switch flipped, I truly mean that it flipped. Something in my brain changed forever in an instant. When I made the definitive decision that there are worse things in the world ‘than being abandoned and being alone’ … that’s when everything truly changed. It meant that I could have non negotiables. It meant that I could finally decide that enough is enough. It meant I could say “No you are not for me” or “I am clearly not for you’ and then…. BYE. It was quite empowering, and then it made room for me to take my time… and become selective about who I choose to let in my space.

If you don’t know yourself, you are not ready for commitment

Here is something so blantantly obvious and yet I did not know until I knew. If you don’t know who you are, how can you know what type of person is good for you? You can’t! If you are not in tune with your love language, your wants, your needs, your attractions, your personality traits etc etc, you cannot pick a partner that is compatible for you… again, because you do not know you. Most kids, teens, and young adults do not know themselves. And some even less than others if they grew up in controlling environments. I must add that going straight from HS to the military did not help; the military gives you your identity. They don’t nurture/ foster your sense of individuality.

I’ve recently created a couple of lists that my followers have found helpful while journeying toward finding love and/ or sustaining their loving relationships. So whether or not you are dating casually or in a commited relationship, here’s some things to consider:

Things you cannot know right away when dating someone new:

  • whether or not they are loyal
  • whether or not they are truly kind
  • whether or not they have good intentions
  • whether or not they are consistent
  • whether or not they are compatible with you
  • whether or not they are honest
  • whether or not they have true work ethic

These are qualities / characteristics that must be proven over time. Talk is cheap as they say. Daily, consistent actions will be the best proof of charactor. I made this because a friend of mine had recently met someone, and within two weeks said they liked them because ‘they were kind, loyal, generous and honest’. I cautioned this friend with a question of “How can you possibly know all of this yet?” You can’t. Because to know that someone is kind, you must see how they interact with you and others over time, especially when they are not in ‘a great mood’. For one to prove they are loyal, they must stay loyal over time especially when given the opportunity to be unloyal. For one to prove they are honest, they must consistently tell the truth and ‘not lie’ over time. In general, all that we really now when we meet someone new is:

  • whether or not we are attracted to them on a physical level
  • whether or not their personality traits excite us, or bore us
  • whether or not we like how they present themselves/ talk
  • whether or not we approve of the type of job/ money they make and/ or the resources that they have aquired.

Now, for the relationships. After working with many individuals and hearing many grievances about their significant others: Here is what is often lacking in relationships that can build resentment over time: TAG!

  • Teamwork- working as a team, because after all, you’re in a relationship. This is a daily practice that get’s neglected often. Between the jobs, chores, errands, kids etc etc, are you balancing it all out together? Do you have an agreeable plan that works for all parties involved? If this verbal contracted needs to be renegotiated, can it be done in a safe and nonjudgemental way?
  • Accountability- When someone makes a mistake, can they admit it? And then, can they correct it? The situation can either get met with defensiveness, (ego) or conflict resolution (emotional maturity). This does not just include our actions, it also includes our emotional reactions.
  • Gratitude- Do you praise your partner? Do they praise you back? Do you and they remember to give each other credit where credit is due? Or did one or all parties forget? Are you or they only focusing on what you or they bring to the table and forgetting everything else? Gratitude often comes in the form of words of affirmation or small acts of service over time.

Notice that no where on this list do I put communication. I don’t know about everyone else, but growing up I was pretty damn tired of hearing everyone preach communication. Communication! Communicate! All relationships need is communication. That’s not only inaccurate, but quite laughable for someone like me who was with people that were anywhere on the spectrum of being ‘selfish’ to being a full blow narcissist. Guess what? There’s some people that you can communicate with until you are blue in the face and passed out. And they will not LISTEN or do anything to make you happy. If you lack ‘TAG’, then you do NOT have a relationship, you have a zombieship. It’s lopsided, and it will either lead to a miserably ever after story, or it will end badly.

Love is only enough if BOTH or ALL people love each other

There will be no perfect relationship. That is true. But do not take the concept of ‘there is no such thing as a perfect relationship’ and confuse it with “I should just put up with anything for the sake of love’. Healthy love only exists when two or more parties are all in it for love. Meaning their motive is TO LOVE and continue LOVING through actions. Relationships exist for many reason’s, and there are many relationships that are ‘not about love at all’. Some are for financial gain, some are for status, some are for desperation, some are for identity and purpose. Some are for the sake of having a maid. (Been there done that) If we want to know that we will be loved by someone, the single most important question I believe we need to ask ourselves is “Does this person intend on loving me?” NOT “How much money do they make?” NOT “Will they look good in pictures standing next to me?” NOT “Oh my god my friends are all getting married and maybe it’s my time now?” Do you love them, and do they intend on loving you back? And this answer only comes with repeated loving actions over time. No matter what, love is also, and always will be a gamble too. GOOD LUCK to ALL (Except my Ex)

Mental Health Internet “Experts” Part 4

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-20-2023

It’s been a while, but I have collected another bundle of “bad internet advice” quotes to debunk. The social media world is a never ending cesspool of poorly written advice!

In many cases, when people vent about their emotions or mental health symptoms, they aren’t making excuses. They are sharing. Mental traumas, grievances, illnesses aren’t “excuses”, they are reasons. Mental and medical conditions can cause life long limitations we must pay attention to. If neglected, we are extra prone to burnout, or a mental breakdown.
I truly wish this was the case. But think about the many people that have suffered due to a society full of homophobia, and/ or communities plagued with racism… and/ or sexism. Some people feel the need to go into hiding to survive this type of hatred. Be you, will the world adjust fully? Not necessarily. You may have to suffer through ignorance and prejudice.
Certainly, perception and thoughts do play a part. But there are most definitely people that are capable of hurting us. Imagine I fed this quote to someone in a situation of domestic violence? “Just don’t feel harmed”… meanwhile their spouse is beating on them. Don’t feed people delusions and fake neutrality/ positivity.
This picture and caption is implying that because this celebrity (or others in general) lost weight, he is “problem less”. Looks don’t tell the whole story. And I have yet to work with a single patient that was cured simply because of a diet, a habit change or removing someone from their life. The healing process is a journey, not a band aid.
This is faulty in that there is no one size fits all cure. And there are many medical and mental ailments that would get exacerbated by fasting: diabetes/ bulimia/ anorexia/ heart disease/ abnormal blood pressure/ postpartum stressors(especially while breast feeding)
1- let’s not pretend we know something we cannot understand. If you have not completed suicide, you don’t know why other people have. 2- “life is too much or you don’t understand it?” That’s quite the oversimplification of such a complex issue. I have researched findings leading up to suicide completions, and worked with many clients that have struggled with suicidal thoughts. They are strong people dealing with a multitude of complex biopsychosocial factors.
It sounds like Shakespeare likes to use the defense mechanism of comparison to keep himself more “positive”. But I can state with confidence that there are people in this world that will have it better, and there will be people who have it worse. And it has very little to do with how someone may feel in the moment when they are personally dealing with tragedy. All emotions are valid. All humans are capable of hurting and feeling a wide array of emotions. Comparing doesn’t cure mental illness.