What was I Thinking??

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 2-9-2022

“My time, my freedom, and my peace of mind. No one will take these away from me again.” -EaE

There is not a human alive that has NOT had those moments where they reflected back and wondered: “What in the world was I thinking?”  Sometimes, we do things that feel so out of character, so against our very own instincts. Sometimes during these acts, we question ourselves, but continue to commit to questionable projects and relationships. It can even become a vicious cycle for years. Years and years of acting more than thinking things through, making compulsive decisions off of emotions and throwing logic out the window. Trying tirelessly to fight for things and fight our own instincts, only to fall short. But, it turned into a disaster. It wasn’t working out, it rarely felt right, and maybe it went against our values or our morals. It was a situation we never imagined we would be in, it felt desperate and chaotic. Many will sum it up to ‘character development’ and urge you to move on and move forward. Yet, you’re stuck now. With regret, and shame, and an endless amount of questions for yourself. The worst part? It’s hard to find the answers.

     As hard as it is to admit, even in the situations we regret the most, there was a part of it that we wanted. We were willing to put up with the bad things to get whatever it was that tempted us in the first place. We found reward in even the most horrendous situations that stressed us to the max. The slivers of reward was exactly what we were after. Then in turn, we stopped thinking much about the consequences, and put all focus on the reward. Many people in related situations will lose all sense of how they are hurting themselves in the long run. This could be eating junk food every day, taking in a harmful substance, being in an abusive relationship, compulsive behaviors in places like: your job, the gym, the casino, strip clubs etc. Humans are often willing to suffer for highs, lows, a sense of purpose/ meaning, approval/affection and so on. But sometimes, it does get dangerous.

      I found myself in the worst relationship of my life from late 2017 – early 2021. I became the primary financial provider, I step parented and helped provide for his child, I endured verbal abuse, I ignored red flags, I forgave him even when I caught him in lies. All to be cheated on and left for someone we were both ‘friends’ with. Shortly after the break up, I needed to promote my first book, so I downloaded and used the Clubhouse app and engaged in many audio chats. Sometimes, it became my therapy. My most meaningful clubhouse was speaking with a woman who survived a horrible divorce in which she was left for someone else. During the chat the listeners allowed me to open up in a way I never had. I admitted that the hardest thing about moving on was the rage I felt. I accepted it was the end. I accepted he was no good for me and that I was (am) better off, hell I even celebrated it! But, I could not let go of the rage. The rage of pouring my heart, soul and effort into another human being who ended up abusing and betraying me. Forgiveness will never be an option.

       The most important thing they could stress to me was how I needed to care about myself more than him. And to translate this onto every reader in regard to all situations we regret (whether it involves another person or not), this is what we need. We need to care about ourselves enough to heal. We need to care about ourselves enough to engage in proper self-care vs the self-destructiveness that we may be accustomed to. We need to care about ourselves enough to process everything and also allow ourselves new experiences, more joy. No one, (especially not the worst ex of my life) is going to alleviate the regret. No one will be able to answer all of the questions. And of course, there is no time machine to go back and do it all over. We are often times, left with our mistakes and regrets, and it’s very hard to process when we are in the midst of so many emotions.

        The questions and comments to yourself may get overwhelming:  What was I thinking? Why did I do that? I knew better. Can I trust anyone else? Can I trust myself? It wasn’t worth it. What are people thinking about me? I’m embarrassed. I deserved better. Or… maybe I deserved exactly what I got?  What was really going on behind closed doors? What did people hide from me? What did I hide from myself? Will I do this again? Do I even know what I’m doing anymore? I thought I had it all figured out…

         The questions and comments from outside observers may get frustrating:    What were you thinking? You knew what you were doing…. Why did you ignore the red flags? You should have known better. It’s your fault. Just learn from this. You will do better next time. Just stop doing it. Why can’t you just change? It was meant to be. It could have been worse. Why would you even think that would work out well? Just do it differently next time. You dodged a bullet, you’re lucky in the end.

      Hiding:  Regret gets swept under the rug quite a bit. When huge life mistakes are made, people tend to go into hiding. While everyone around them point’s fingers and judges. I can’t really blame anyone for this tactic. The unfortunate thing about all of this is that mistakes and regrets are a very normal part of being human, yet we get wrapped up in perfectionism and forget this very thing. We cave to the pressures and expectations thrust upon us, and then when we fall short, we have an existential crisis so to speak. Hopefully, in the future we can normalize these “What was I thinking” experiences. Hopefully, we can talk about them more. Hopefully it will lead us to seek out better mentorship.

     Attention Seeking:    Another option at our disposal, is attention seeking. This could look like blasting our dirty laundry on social media, or telling all of our friends about the personal details of what happened and why. This could validate our feelings on one hand, but the risk is that we are more likely to get judged and blamed. The deeper issue? Regardless of how people respond, it does not heal you per say. Much more work needs to be done, and this includes the necessary and vital inner work we must have with ourselves. Attention seeking that gets consistently validated may bring with it the risk of someone remaining in cognitive dissonance about their situation.

     Learning:  Both hiding and attention seeking can be tempting, but neither of those options spare us from the objective of learning from our past. The hardest thing about learning from our past regrets, is developing the ability to distinguish between what was NOT our fault, and what we must hold ourselves accountable for. And, let’s just be honest… when we are hurting, it’s hard to take accountability for anything at all. He (my ex) was abusive, he was wrong. He manipulated me and took advantage of my kind nature. And, this isn’t about letting other people off the hook, this is about owning what is in our control. So, what can I be accountable for? Especially when I’m NOT the abuser? I allowed him into my life despite my better instincts. I traded my safety and wellbeing for perceived ‘fun’ and adventure without proper vetting. I fell for the lies even when there was concrete proof they were in fact lies. I did not create the boundaries I deserved. I forgot to take care of myself, I betrayed myself. I engaged in way too many self-destructive behaviors both during the toxic relationship and afterwards in the healing process. It was messy. I can’t count on others to NOT betray me, but I should always be able to count on myself to not betray me. There is a lesson in even the most painful experiences, and if we do not slow down, we may not find it.

Concluding Questions:

  • Why was it harmful?
  • What about it reeled me in?
  • What/ who should I avoid?
  • What did I learn?
  • Can I change the outcome next time?
  • Can I put my health first?
  • Am I healing? What does this look like?
  • What was I thinking?? (Process it)

Mental health Mixed Messages

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 2-03-2022

Have you ever scrolled through a social media platform and read a quote about mental health that not only caused confusion and mixed messages, but also an endless series of arguments between people in the comment threads? Mental health is NOW a hot topic. Ironically, for the longest period of time, it wasn’t a topic at all due to lack of information and stigma. Now that it is hot topic, there are many different views on what it means to be ‘mentally ill’, how to ‘heal’, how to ‘grieve’, how to work toward sobriety, how to address your body as well as your relationship with food etc. There are not only therapists all over the country with many different specialties, but it seems social media has created a phenomenon of ‘mental health influencers’ and ‘life coach’ gurus who claim to be able to help people ‘turn their lives around’. There are also sporadic individuals that have figured out the perfect formula for their life and mental health, and therefore may try to shove that formula down other people’s throats with insistence and urgency, because… “It works!” For this blog, I am going to share some of these ‘mixed messages’, how they get perceived, and also my clinical/personal impressions on how to take these messages in a more practical way.

Body Positivity

The Common expressions:       “Be yourself”         “Love yourself”       “Your body, your choice”   “Size isn’t everything”

The Common arguments:      “Stop promoting obesity”    “Being fat is nothing to be proud of”    

The Clinical perspective:  Admittedly, I have a food addiction and an eating disorder, so I am able to offer a deeper perspective here. The body positivity movement was NOT created to promote or encourage obesity, but rather to reduce the shame of those that suffer from eating disorders. It is known clinically that when we reduce shame, sufferers are less likely to engage in restricting and binge cycles and get back to what we call ‘regular eating’. This is safer! Eating disorders are in large part, a societally induced mental illness. It’s a phenomenon created by a world of seeing ads, pictures, and social profiles with exaggerated and unrealistic bodies faces. And then, in turn, following strict regiments to look like the illusions we see, and pressuring our peers and family to do the same. So in turn, we are reversing this mistake we made for decades, and pushing out NEW visuals and models that are more realistic and healthy for our youth.

Managing Depression

The Common expressions:     “Exercise”       “Diet”       “Get sunlight”     “There are people that have it worse than you”

The Common arguments:      “I’m drained no matter what I do”        “What’s the point?”       “Nothing works”           “Nothing will help”

The Clinical perspective:     I will always say, without a doubt, depression is a serious killer. Most people could not imagine, but it is deceivingly one of the hardest things someone can suffer through on a daily basis. And most depression sufferers could only dream that the solution was as simple as diet, exercise, sunlight and gratitude. Don’t get me wrong, the above list will certainly give temporarily relief/ endorphins, but it will not permanently take away that chemical imbalance that causes major/ chronic depression. Hence, why do depression sufferers argue with people spewing health advice at them all day? Because they have literally tried it all, to the point of exhausting their already exhausted brains and bodies, and…. the depression is still there. Therapy would be more practical advice, as well as stressing the importance of a healthy and understanding support system.  After all, it is a long and tedious journey that is heavily misunderstood.

Don’t Do Drugs

The Common expressions:      “Quit now!”       “Stay sober”      “Think of your family/ kids”       “This will lead to worse drugs”

The Common arguments:     “Freedom of choice”     “I’m going to die anyways”     “I cannot function unless I take this” 

The Clinical perspective: Could this get any more confusing? First of all, there are drugs that are legal, drugs that are illegal, and drugs that are prescribed and in a major gray area of legal/ or illegal depending on if a doctor deemed it “okay for you”.  It’s no wonder there is so much conflicting information regarding self-medicating, substance abuse, and addiction. My advice? Stop assuming there is a one size fit’s all when it comes to substances, sobriety and/ or harm reduction techniques. Drug’s, or better yet, “medicating” is all about the ‘cost-benefit analyses’. Meaning, is what I’m getting from this substance worth it? Do the benefits outweigh the cost? (AKA symptoms) Guess what? This is a question that can only honestly be answered by the individual themselves. The main reason there are so many fear tactics shoved down our throats when it comes to substances is due to lack of education and a fear of the unknown.

Marital Concerns

The Common expressions:     “Marriage should be forever, no matter what”        “They will be happier once they tie the knot”       “You need to marry and settle down”

The Common arguments:    “It’s not worth fighting for if it’s abusive”     “It’s outdated”   

“I don’t need to sign a paper to prove my commitment”

The Clinical perspective:    The tradition of marriage isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, but the outlook on it has shifted dramatically. This has caused a clash between what we normally call ‘old fashioned’ values and ‘modern values’. In this modern age, there has been role and identity confusion with all sexes/ genders regarding what ‘their place is’ in marriage. Also, the question of ‘is this even a tradition I want to partake in?’ Much like my perspective with substances, there is no “one size fits all” with marriage and marital problems. Two or more people may come together and create a “Verbal” contract of what they want/ expect in their relationship(s). This contract may or may not fit the ‘social norm.’ This contract may be rewritten, or torn up completely, or it may become legal and written in ‘stone’. Then, it may also get torn up and shredded still. How do we know when it’s beneficial? Or the right fit? We don’t, not in the long run. What’s best is that everyone strive for happiness and learn to pick something that works for their unique and personal wants/ needs. Relationship’s, break ups, marriages and divorces are often times trial and error over the course of time.

Stoicism vs Emotions

The Common expressions:   “Logic over emotion always!”       “Emotions aren’t helpful”       “You have to practice control over your mind”   

The Common arguments:      “Not processing emotions is harmful”         “You’re being dismissive”          “That’s insensitive and not helpful”

The Clinical perspective:      The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Humans have brains that are capable of logical thinking as well as experiencing emotions. There is a time and place for both. Emotions tell us crucial things, that if we ignore, will fall wayside and cause us to suffer more. Then, logic is helpful for being calculated, and if we never use this part of our brains, we may find ourselves stagnant.  If someone happens to be a “Stoic” that is under the impression it means: ‘never show emotion’ and ‘never feel emotion’, they were terribly misled. There will be a higher risk of burnout and heavy mental health symptoms down the road due to emotional suppression. If someone allows their emotions to cause behaviors that overtake their lives and lead to serious consequences, they need help with emotional regulation. They should also reflect on whether or not their external environment is a causal factor as well. We do not want to ruminate and dwell forever, but we also do not want to avoid and live in denial. The balance lies somewhere in the middle of this spectrum.

Fighting & Fawning for Love

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 1-28-2022

“The highs, the greatest of highs.

The lows, the darkest of lows,

Feeling rainbows and butterflies,

the pain of fear, and lost control…

You love me? I know, I think so…

I’m not worthy? I guess not…

they love us, it’s all for show…

they hurt us, but won’t get caught.

You’re screaming, but I’m too blame?

Throwing things, but my fault?

It all feels… too insane…

I yell back, and then I’m wrong?

Losing track of how it began,

no sense in all past choices,

I should have kissed and ran,

but got trapped in, promising voices.

Chewed me up, and spit me out,

This rage… too indescribable.

Why did I not trust the doubts?

This end… was so damn probable.”

     I believe that one of the more common perceptions society clings to, is that everyone is properly and unconditionally loved and nurtured. Perhaps, not a true perception, rather simply wishful thinking on everyone’s part. A mother’s love…. A father’s love. It’s ‘supposed’ to be natural, reinforced and ongoing. What we should remember, is that not everyone is loved in this way. And, how we are loved and cared for has everything to do with how we choose and maintain our relationships in adulthood. For example, there is a huge difference between the behavioral developments of a child that gets loved unconditionally, vs a child that has to fight or fawn for love, and vs a child that gets no love at all.

       Healthy love, is in fact, a requirement for healthy development. Someone that is loved unconditionally without a million strings attached will be able to develop a very important thing for the human psyche: Self Worth. A parent or guardians’ healthy love will teach a child that they are worthy of healthy love. It will be an example that the child carries with them forever, even into adulthood. This particular adult will be able to spot terrible treatment immediately, and why? Because they were treated properly.  But, as stated above, what if the child has to work too hard for that love? What if the love only comes with dozens of conditions attached (In other words: CONDITIONAL). What if the child gets no love at all?

Fighting for Love

       The child- When children have parent(s) or guardian(s) that are dismissive unless the situation is dire, the child may be required to fight hard to get their doses of love and affection. This could look like tantrums, begging and pleading on a regular basis. This may look like urging parents to stop using drugs, because you know it will result in a version of themselves that hurts you. This looks like having to work insanely hard in school or hobbies, because they are not typically proud unless you are high achieving. This looks like early burnout, as all the hard work in the world may still not be enough.

       The adult-  A child required to fight hard for their love turns into an adult that is likely to over compensate. These are the people we often see as “high achievers” that are always on the go. An adult that has accomplished a lot, but never seems satisfied with themselves. An adult that is susceptible to getting in relationships in which they feel that they are put on the back burner, where they are low priority. Yet, they work hard in their attempts to ‘earn’ their partner’s affection over time. They are confident that they can fight hard for life and love, the issue is that… they shouldn’t have to. But unfortunately, easy love does not make sense to them. It is not built into their brain template.

Fawning for Love-

         The child-   When parents are abusive and unpredictable, a child may be required to be silent, and to keep the peace at all cost. The child may likely develop a ‘fawning’ response in which they must be excessively kind and catering to the parent(s) with the goal of not getting abused again. This will look like a child that’s ‘shy’ and ‘timid’, a child that excessively apologizes even when they did nothing. A child that has a freeze response whenever the parent(s) are upset with them. The child may become labeled a ‘pushover’ around the house and in school when confronted with bullies.

         The adult- A fawning child may grow to be an adult that continues the pattern of people pleasing. When in environments where the adult feels they are ‘walking on eggshells’, they may resort back to their fawning programmed responses in order to keep the peace. These are adults that do not possess the capacity of setting boundaries, or standing up for themselves. These are adults that may be more susceptible to falling victim to suffering abusive relationships with narcissists and sociopaths, as they are easy to manipulate. And what’s very unfortunate, is that these toxic relationships will feel very normal to the victim that has always had to fawn in order to ‘deserve’ peace and love.

No Love at all

         The child- Severe neglect, in which there is little to no love at all, will cause a child to suffer from heavy emotional instability. These children do not get soothed when crying, they do not get a sense of worth, as no one is making them feel worthy of anything. They will be forced to find their own way to feel better, with little to no tools. They will grow up confused and often wondering what their role is, if there even is a role at all that they play in the world. They may be on either end of the spectrum depending on how they were neglected, and where their psychological defenses take them: Disinhibited attachment (attaching to any adult without discrimination), or Inhibited attachment (inability to form bonds with caregivers or others).  

          The adult- The child may grow into an adult with an unhealthy attachment style: Anxious attachment, dismissive attachment, or a mix of both. These are the adults that often confuse, scare and/ or frustrate their intimate partners. They may cling, or they may ghost. They may have ‘roller coaster’ style relationships. Love is often scary and confusing for them, and they may be indecisive about how to give and receive love due to the fact that they rarely had love at all growing up. They may have compulsions to attach often and quickly, or they may isolate and fear relationships all together. The main difference is really this: When neglected, did you decide that love will simply not exist for you? Or did you choose to crave love and do anything to get it?

Conclusion:

      My true goal is to help destigmatize those that suffer from childhood love traumas, and normalize that various forms of attachment disorders and maladaptive behaviors may form as a result of this. In mental health, the goal is not fault, and the goal is never to reinforce that anyone is doomed. The goal is to educate and empower. The goal is less judgement, and more helpful resources. The goal is awareness. As when my clients became aware of what was really going on with them, and why, they were then able to work on it and find better ways to navigate their life. Most importantly: Safety. Many who fall victim to unhealthy, toxic relationships may not understand what pulls them toward these types of relationships with such strong ‘gravitational’ force. Unfortunately, some people have to literally fight their natural instincts in order to NOT fall victim to abuse again.

It’s okay to admit you were Brain Washed

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 1-7-2022

“I don’t feel like watching brain washed people get angry at other brain washed people, and then constantly argue about who is more brain washed”

How many times in your life have you reflected back on your younger mental state, opinions, and behaviors? After reflecting, how often have you asked yourself: “What in the world was I thinking?!” Or “What had gotten into me at that time?” Even after asking questions like this, did you also find it hard to come up with any logical answers? All you could possibly sum it up to was that you were “young and dumb” or “clueless”? Here’s a very taboo but very real part of life: all humans are susceptible to being ‘brain washed’. All humans have been brain washed, and … all humans will get brain washed again. This comes in many forms. Often times, we like to believe only those that fall into a “Cult” are brain washed. Even this is debatable, the very definition of a cult is debatable. The very definition of what defines brain washing is debatable. If you ever find yourself in a concrete pattern of thinking that causes you to become cognitively dissonant and polarized, you might just be brain washed. It could be by yourself while following along with literature or online groups. It could be with a group of people that follow the same rigid pattern of thinking, it could be in a relationship with one other person who has you changing everything about how you think and view the world. One large indicator of this for those that cannot tell: If you find yourself losing your sense of self and identity, if you find yourself losing your balance and equilibrium, it could all be warning signs. Let’s take a closer look at how this happens and within what realms of life.

Family- I will start with the topic of family because this is typically where it all starts. Our family environment is often times our primary and main influence throughout childhood. What our family ascribes to is what we will be subjected to, whether we like it or not. This can include your family’s religion, political preferences, job choices, hobbies etc. Whether or not we agree or disagree, we are exposed to our parents/ guardians choices and ways of thinking. It is also not uncommon for parents to saturate their children with the same way of thinking/ way of life. Many people describe a sense of feeling influenced and sometimes brain washed by their families, and taking many years after leaving their households to undo certain teachings and find their own way of life, and their own ways of thinking. I personally went from my blood family ties to my military family right after High School. So from ages zero- 24, I was taking orders. The pro was that I was disciplined and structured, the con was that I had zero sense of who I was because I was often times a part of ‘families’ and ‘communities’ that enforced community wellness over individual wants/ needs.

Friends- There’s a reason many of our elders will caution us against ‘peer pressure’. It’s very real. Often times, the pressure comes from a peer projecting their issues onto us. Not to mention when we engage in the same harmful behaviors as a peer, it feels more normalized and therefore, ‘okay’ to do. If you are not participating in the group activity, there is a good chance you will be ostracized from the group. And even if not cut out completely, will be heavily misunderstood. The temptation is real. But the answer is not to follow along even though you are uncomfortable, the answer is the find your crowd. This will lower your risk of being pressured and brain washed into doing things you may regret later. It is because of this that many express by the time they hit their thirties or forties, their friend crowd is extremely small. The top reason I did not party when I was in the military or in college: I was not a drinker. I got tired of the pressure to drink, and I got tired of the strange stares I got when I said ‘No’ to drinking. Bad friends may brain wash us into thinking we must be like them. Good friends will always recognize that you are an individual with free will.

Career- We are what we do. We are most definitely going to be influenced by the job we do. Especially if it’s forty plus hours a week. The military did brain wash me to some extent, the career field in mental health did as well. I found myself often debating between letting it take me over but also having a personality outside of these careers and finding more to life. Jobs can not only brain wash us, but consume us and take over our entire lives. It may widen the gap between you and the people around you. It can end sever friendships and relationships as you find yourself going in ‘too deep’. A career is often associated with an “I have no choice” mentality. ‘This work must get done, this money must get made, and these bills must get paid.’ And because of this mentality, we may forget about the most important thing of all: our physical and mental health as well as the relationships we have with the people we love the most. Careers may brain wash us into believing that work is the only thing on this Earth that matters.

Politics- I’m not a fan of political debating… anymore. I fell deep into this hole once upon a time, as many others have. I’ve seen it destroy relational ties. I’ve seen people get so deep into the vacuum that their entire days, weeks or months were dedicated to the vicious cycle of internet debating while simultaneously forgetting all their individual life goals. Politics is important, and it is a part of life. But many can agree if it has taken you over to a point where you no longer have a sense of self, a sense of purpose or goals or no more relationships with anyone, you may have gotten sucked in too deep. I was a trauma therapist in Brooklyn during 2020. The majority of therapy sessions that year was me teaching my clients harm reduction tactics when it came to this very thing. There were people quarantined all day with their electronic devices, arguing over politics. What was worse is how severe their depression, anxiety, anger and health were getting because of this vacuum and vicious cycle. As much as people want to argue that it is important to stay informed and on top of our political climate (I’ll never disagree with this of course), it is more important to put your health first. Sometimes this will mean walking away from the fight for a while and getting back to yourself. When Politics is sucking you in and zapping your health, you have gone too deep.

Significant Other- You know those jokes we make about how we become our significant other? We start to behave like them, talk like them and even think like them sometimes? This is very real. The intimate partner/ spouse is often times the person we spend the most time with, and with that being said, who we choose can either make or break our lives. It is one of the most serious decisions we will make, and unfortunately, sometimes taken very lightly. An abusive partner can brain wash you into believing you are less than nothing. A manipulative or immature partner can brain wash you into exhausting yourself while they free load. Meanwhile, a healthy and loving partner can make you feel loved and help remind you of your worth. If you find that you are in a relationship where you have changed a lot, and not necessarily for the better, it is best to evaluate if it’s serving you well. A person may have a lot to gain by brain washing a vulnerable intimate partner. As they can get a lot out of someone who is very giving, and likely to give the benefit of the doubt even when someone presents red flags.  

Social Media-  By now, we should all know that social media is a huge money generator. The algorithms work in a way to keep us on the screens and in these platforms, with the compulsion to buy into things. It’s a very effective and profitable business, and one of the most powerful brain washing devices I have seen in mental health practice. On the surface, you are communicating with friends/ family and laughing at memes. But, on a deeper level, you are showing traces of what draws you in, what you are likely to hover over, what you are likely to buy and what is likely to get an emotional reaction out of you. You will be fed more of this, and will then be susceptible to the brain washing vacuum of social media that can take over the majority of your day. If you go in too deep, it can also take a lot of your money. Time and money we cannot get back, and it’s even worse when there is something that’s main purpose is to do exactly that: take your time and money. Obviously it is not going away, therefore education is imperative and harm reduction tactics are a must. Time limits, practicing self-control, setting a budget for yourself, also scheduling real world activities that take you away from the phone/ social media for a while etc.

Religion- When religion does good for an individual or a group, it looks like this: -Community service, volunteerism, love, caring, social activism, prayer, positive spirituality, family values and more. When religion turns dangerous, and may be brain washing people, it could look like this: Exploitation of money, judging those that do not share the same belief, encouraging violence and war, taking away an individual’s identity and more. Spirituality is just as important as our mental health and physical health, but like anything else, we may get wrapped into a harmful practice and be in danger of doing harm to ourselves and others. Pay attention, does your religion align with your spiritual values, is it supplementing your life and the ones around you or doing harm?                                                                                                

Sport/ Hobby- Yes, even sports or hobbies can brain wash us! Coaches, teachers and/ or instructors are so important. More importantly, are they teaching and instilling good values and practical advice, or are they doing more harm by breaking us down and destroying our self-esteem? Some coaches and instructors may encourage you to work through injury or horrible mental states, while some know to encourage rest when rest is warranted. Some may go as far as to expect that you give your entire focus and attention to the activity at hand, while some will recognize that a sport or hobby is rarely ever your entire life, and other things may take priority. It’s often very easy to forget this simple fact: A hobby or sport is typically supposed to be FUN! If it stops being fun due to ridiculous demands from coaches/ teachers, then perhaps you were brain washed into taking it too seriously to a point that you were robbed of money, time or happiness. Always make it a point to turn inward and ask yourself the hard questions. You owe no person or activity your loyalty if it’s making you unhappy.

Reflection

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12/31/2021

“Take a sliver, catch what you can. Hold it, cherish it. Steal it, then own it. Lose it, then mourn it. Regret it, disown it. Repeat it, deny it. Swear this is different. Fake it, make it, control it, then lose it. Grieve it, admit it. Learn from it, end it. Be reborn. Live, once again.”

He proposed one year (2020), then asked for a ‘separation’ just one year later (Jan of 2021). And, there I was, mid-January of 2021, 31 years old, and under the delusion that I was finally about to ‘walk down the aisle’ and take the plunge with someone I thought I knew. I’m often seen as a ‘stable’ person, but also known to be quite ‘compulsive’ when ‘shit hits the fan’ so to speak. I give a lot of credit to my military background, it taught me how to pick up and move fast when there’s an emergency. Within 48 hours after the break up, I chose to resign from my job as a Therapist (3.5 years into my therapist career and I was already experiencing severe trauma triggers due to childhood trauma and combat trauma), and begged my father to rescue me from NYC and take me back to my hometown in CA. I also cancelled all of my plans and put my focus into my LCSW (Licensed Clinical social worker) exam, which I had only 2 more weeks to get ready for. (My Narcopath ex was brilliant with timing… but I did pass!)

     Mid-January of 2021 to Mid-February 2021 was one of the most grueling and helpless months of my life. Every client I spoke with and said goodbye to felt like ripping off a torturous Band-Aid. Still forced to live with the ex; someone who was financially, verbally, and even sometimes physically abusive throughout our 3 years together. I had to dig deep to survive the situation, especially my own mental health symptoms. I barely told anyone about my choice to permanently move. I had lived in NYC for the past 7 years and made many friends, but I did not have the stomach to say goodbye to people. I mostly hid and only my closest of friends saw me before I left.

     Mid-February 2021, I am back in California, I have no job to go to for the first time in 13 years. I knew the hardest part was still ahead; the year of healing. It sounds pleasant, but it’s the hardest challenge of all. How often do we actually allow ourselves to heal, grow, and learn after all? Do we not most often just find another thing to distract us from the project? Another relationship? Casual dating? Drugs? Rushing into the next career? Changing our hair and partying? And yes, I am a cliché and engaged in some of the above, but I also did something different this time. I forced myself to be alone, a lot. An unnerving amount that most people cannot tolerate. I also forced myself to not care about the future for a little while, it felt impossible. But, I also gave myself what I deserved: Self-care and self-learning.

I had two very long term failed relationships back to back (A 9 year one, then the three year one referenced above). And, when something in your life continues to be a huge source of stress, discomfort, trauma, and grief, it is then time to put a focus on the problem as well as the root causes. And eventually, the solutions. I also had a lot of painful news as well as old reminders to haunt me throughout 2021. Thank you Facebook, thank you for popping up monthly pictures of me and my ex to remind me that we were together no more. (Sarcasm) Thank you for reminding me that all the Holidays of 2020, I had someone I thought I could trust, and now the reminder that I am alone and all the humiliating reasons why. Thank you for showing me I was good ‘friends’ and a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu coach to his ‘mistress’ and now it turns out, they were both backstabbers. Thank you to the algorithms of Instagram and Facebook for force feeding me engagement ring advertisements, although, I won’t be needing one now. And the dilemma/ guilt/ shame that comes with seeing your friends getting engaged and married and wanting to be happy for them, but suffering due to your loss instead. (Yes, these feelings are normal and it is okay to process them too, but… don’t get upset with your friends for finding happiness)

     The Positive:

A part time telework job for the DoD fell into my lap. A former coworker referred me to be a research assistant, and this afforded me the opportunity to pay my bills all year long, help my Dad out a bit, and still have fun/ plenty of free time to keep healing. Not to mention, I published my first book in July of 2021, so there was at least some professional silver linings. Like anything else, the year was a roller coaster of ups and downs. But one thing I knew for sure was that I was home again. My military career, college career and first civilian career had taken me away from my hometown for so long, but when I moved back, it felt 100% natural.

            What I’m Proud of?

     This is simple, I took a very hard situation and handled it the best I could. Just like I always told my former clients, don’t be hard on yourself when your situation is already hard. That’s the time for other things to come out: Being calculated, practicing self-care, practicing boundaries, asking for help (this time I did let friends and family help me emotionally). When my situation became unbearable, I chose to change it all. I switched my geographic location, changed my relationship status and changed my career all around the same time. The surprising thing? People told me I ‘inspired’ them. Who knew?! I did not expect such a compliment, I felt like a huge mess the majority of the year, and yet others saw differently. I’m proud that I was able to inspire.

          Conclusion:

     Now, apparently we are supposed to go into 2022 without expectation, the pandemic has plagued many with anxiety. People do not celebrate the way they used to, and/ or, we may not be able to depending on our circumstances. In hopes to help people heal or experience gratitude I’ll end the New Year with a series of questions that could be helpful to reflect on:

  • What did you accomplish? (This could be professionally, or with family, or in a relationship, or with your own self growth etc etc)
  • What did you learn? (Whether it was a nice lesson or a painful one)
  • What did you find yourself wanting?
  • What did you find yourself wanting to discard of? Or, what did you discard of?
  • What do you regret?
  • What is your focus area(s) for 2022?

Counter Holiday Blues

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-21-2021

The holidays are flooded with messages. Many are positive, and plenty are what we refer to as toxic positivity messages. Toxic positivity is what we refer to as compulsive positive messages that may invalidate a person’s pain, depression or various other mental health symptoms. Some may be wondering why there are many who report experiencing Holiday depression, but it’s not too mysterious at all. People are social beings, and when we are experiencing the complete opposite mood of most of the people around us, our depression might amplify due to frustration, guilt and shame. The Holiday’s create social demands, they create a positivity bubble, they create an illusion that many ‘fail’ to live up to. They remind us of where we are at on the ‘class spectrum’. What can we afford to do? How do we feel about it? Were we a ‘let down’ this year or were we a ‘success’? Profit building is at an all-time high around this time of year and there are messages everywhere telling us what ‘we need’ to buy for ourselves or our loved ones. Personally, I prefer the more practical messages that the Holidays were originally supposed to provide. Not the modern messages that leave us feeling like we aren’t good enough because we aren’t rich enough.

       Focus Areas to counter Holiday Blues:

Family/Friend Time:  As we know due to the popular love language quiz that has been circulating, gift giving isn’t the only love language out there. Quality time is a big one. As a matter of fact, the majority of my family, friends and clients scored higher on quality time vs gifts. This means, your ‘gift’ to others can be your time. No pressure to necessarily buy fancy overpriced items. We’re so busy, we rarely have quality time to spend on others. Some would even say that throwing a gift at someone with a quick hi and goodbye is easier than giving them your time. The intention of spending time with loved ones is an incredible gift and vastly underrated.

Building Traditions: Traditions are beautiful and enjoyable. I do not mean the tradition of gift giving, but everything else outside of that. Watching your favorite Holiday season movies, sharing your favorite meals, discussing what you may be grateful for or creating new goals. Having a favorite ‘magical’ area to visit where you and your loved ones can keep going back to. If you find yourself in the Holiday blues, consider creating your own new tradition.

Make alone time enjoyable too:  Maybe you have a family, maybe a relationship or maybe you are single. Either way, activities in solitude can be meditative and peaceful. It’s hard to filter out the messages that make us feel we need people around 24/7, but the truth is, everyone also needs time to themselves. The Holiday’s make it harder for us to access that peace, we are pressured to feel otherwise. Create your Holiday alone time rituals as well! When people feel lonely, especially due to break ups, I always encourage them to do the things they always wanted to do but never could when they were ‘tied down.’

Explore: Another free but incredibly fun thing to do, explore and travel. Travel does not have to mean you cut deep into your pocket book. It could be a short road trip. It could simply be nature hiking on the outskirts of your town. It could be walking down the street and both window shopping and people watching. It’s about paying attention to your surroundings, appreciating the environment around you and seeing things while reframing how you see things. Plus, who doesn’t like looking at Christmas lights on houses?

Cook or Bake your favorite treats:  Cook and bake your favorite Holiday meals and/ or treats and then enjoy your hard work with taste tests for you and your friends/ family. Eating is always wholesome and a great way to cherish Holiday’s, with or without added gifts. Consider, this year, contributing more to cooking or baking vs sitting around bored while letting your elders do all the work. Then you have the dread of doing all the dishes because you did not want to cook/ bake. This can be a fun activity to experiment with and it also does not hurt to find a new recipe to add to the mix!

Declutter: Lonely? Bored? Very broke? Isolating? Declutter your life. This will be a project but it will create a change that can elevate your mood by keeping your body busy as well as helping your mind find more peace in a cleaner environment. Even when times are extremely hard, our environment can make or break the mood even further. Everyone deserves to be in a comfortable place where they rest their mind and body. Decluttering can also help us explore minimalism and appreciate the value of the items we do keep.

Donate/ Help: We may not be rich, but almost everyone has something to give. Or maybe not an item to give, but a skill that can help other’s. The Holiday’s may also serve as a reminder that we may be richer than we think, and if we do have something to offer, we can help other’s during struggles and trying times. Maybe we can donate items, maybe we can donate money, or maybe we can donate our time to others in need. That’s also in the Holiday spirit and does not require us to splurge insane amounts on things that do not matter.

      I hope everyone uses these times to create more value in their lives and in the lives of others. We can challenge ourselves not by testing how much we can buy or show off, but by fostering new traditions and enriching lives. Overall, the Holiday’s become what we want to make them, or don’t want to make them. And the beauty is we get a say and choice in that experience. We can build it however we see fit and by whatever means we have right now. I hope this helps, and have a good and safe Holiday season and Happy New Year.

The Success that no one Talks About

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-6-2021

“It’s not about perfection, or resources, or even where your knowledge is at right now. More importantly, are your intentions any good?”

     Like many things, we look at success through a narrow lens. The majority may equate success with money, status and/ or power. Then outside of this limited list, may feel they fall short if they cannot attain this measure. However, there are many people who obtain the above list and go on to have miserable lives. Success, from a holistic standpoint, is also about balance. We may achieve many things but put ourselves out of balance in the pursuit of it. If you are miserable and out of balance, regardless of what you attained, can you truly say you’re a success? To be chronically miserable often means we are failing ourselves in some way. Also, we can succeed in some aspects of life, and fail completely in other areas of life. This is quite normal, perhaps inevitable. I say this to say, we have all succeeded in some areas, and failed in others, and we don’t even know it. Most success happens out of site and out of mind, many are succeeding every day and can’t even see it. Then, many are failing themselves in one way or another, and don’t even see it. Success can be invisible too. I want to give credit, especially, to those that succeed in silence doing the things that we never talk about or even see as success.

Workers:   If you are working any type of job, you are succeeding in some way. Whether it’s part time, full time, building your own business, a trade, or an office job, high paying or low paying. If you are a worker, you are contributing to something bigger than just yourself. You are honing your skills, generating income, stimulating the economy, maybe even taking care of dependents. Honestly, I hate the shame society puts on workers, I hate that there are many who are ashamed of what they do for a living. I hate that there are many jobs that are underappreciated and underpaid. We truly take the average working American for granted, and because of this, in turn, we (workers) do not take pride in what we do for a living. If you have worked in some capacity for most of your adult life, you have succeeded in that way. Regardless of what you have to show for it currently. My tip? Go after the job you “love”. Maybe it involves a pay cut or societal shaming, but if it’s worth it for you, it’s worth it.

Present Parents:    The amount of shame and self-hatred I hear coming from actively involved parents is quite sad. I’m not a parent myself, I’m a child from many broken homes. I’m someone that was engaged to a man with kids and did help stepparent for several years. I’m also a social worker that has given family therapy and individual counseling to kids and teens. This is what I do know: Parents do not have to be in a child’s life. They can abandon them. Parents do not have to be good to their children; they can abuse them. It happens all the time, unfortunately. So if you are a single parent, or one of two or more parents that are actively involved in your child’s life (whether biological, step, grand, adopted or otherwise) and you are not abusing them, you are already a success. Being present for the 18 plus and so on years it takes is already more than what some do. Being present without abusing the kids is more than what some can do. You’re raising the future, and the less harm you induce while engaging in this important accolade, the better. The work that present, non-abusive parents put into their children’s lives is vastly underrated.

Mental health and Medical clients:  Yes, another invisible success, as when we are clients we are subjected to the feeling of a power differential. Yes, clients often feel ‘less than human’ or ‘beneath’ their providers and/ or caregivers. However, I added this to the list because being a mental health and/ or medical client means that you are actively involved in making sure that you are getting the care your body and mind needs. That is a success, as many neglect themselves for the sake of avoiding… stigma/ taboo’s/ shaming. Some neglect their health because they prioritize less important things over it, such as… work! Let’s not forget what Maslow said! Our physical health and safety takes precedence over self-actualization. If you fail your health, you will eventually fail everything else anyways. Keep taking care of yourself. The more functional each individual is, the better they are for everyone else around them too. J

Present Friends/ Family members: There are many times that our roles as family members and friends will be solicited. This is important, what type of friend or family member you will be? Will you help? Enable? Will you abuse? Will you neglect? Will you offer emotional support? Will you do what you can where you can, but also have appropriate boundaries? Dynamics are huge. Friends and family members help each other out a lot, and more importantly, in these roles we often do it free of cost, and below the radar. Our true heroes throughout our life are often our friends and family members. They are often times, the ones that will love you unconditionally, and catch you after you have fallen due to trusting people outside your circle. It is true that some friends and family members are toxic, but there are also many that enhance and multiply our lives. If you are in a role as a trusted and reliable friend and/ or family member, you have succeeded in that you have enhanced other’s livelihood.

Volunteers/ Donators: With such a chronic “every man/ woman for himself/ herself” type of attitude and an attitude of “never work for free”, it’s a miracle that volunteers and people that graciously donate without the need for credit still exist. But, they do! Some are taught to do good in this world, and not necessarily for a tax write off. For some, it’s just ‘the thing to do’.  When we have the means to help others, and then we do help others, that is growth. It does come back around eventually. Growth is recognizing that we are not the only person on the planet, and life goes beyond just doing for ourselves individually. This can vary anywhere from donating a few dollars, donating essential items, all the way to donating an organ. If you have donated and/ or volunteered, you have succeeded in selflessness and most likely, you didn’t get credit for it. But I’ll go ahead and give the credit right now.

Mentors/ Role Models:    There are actually potential role models and mentors all over, the trick is knowing how to look for them. Also, many people do not even realize what they have to offer in terms of mentorship. This is something every person has the capacity for. If you have a skill of some sort, you could be a role model or mentor. The key is in how you execute this knowledge and if you have the intention to help others grow. Pride and envy get in the way of this. The ability to teach other’s regardless of what is in it for you, is essential. Teachers, coaches, coworkers, bosses, family members, friends, even acquaintances. Teaching someone a skill is one of the most valuable things we can do. It takes up our time, but it means that a particular person gets to walk away with a knowledge that they will carry over the course of their lifetime, and also, whoever else they decide to teach can carry it on. This is a multigenerational success. This is how we truly grow in knowledge and foundation. Mentors and role models have the invisible success of passing on crucial knowledge/ skills.

The Things I took for Granted

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11-24-2021

I turned 32 recently (September 12th). Feeling older, yet luckier. A little more fatigued, but somehow there’s more energy. Gratitude is not something I started to practice until I hit my early thirties, and I’m not shocked. It takes some wisdom. It takes a little bit of aging because with that we can finally see the growth. We can stand back and find reason in the madness. I always tell clients and friends that “Getting to know ourselves will be the best thing we ever do.” Why? To learn to weed out the junk that often contaminated us in our youth. I have gratitude in being able to age, and much much more. Much of my writings talk about mental illness and suffering, but this is going to be about gratitude. As well as, the things I used to take for granted.

⁃ Family/ friend time: I believe that maybe I took my family and friend time for granted because I was taught that if I wasn’t working hard toward my professional development, then I was wrong. The unfortunate thing is that when you are working hard towards success you must sacrifice most of your free time. This meant minimal friend and family time, and to be honest, I think a lot of people in my life have been incredibly understanding. It doesn’t change the fact that I now recognize this sacrifice I made and how it made me turn into a a complete stranger to those that loved me. Military life, college, martial arts training and career all took precedence. After resigning from being a therapist in February of this year, I made it a point to squeeze in a lot of family/ friend time for the remainder 2021. It’s been incredible getting to know people all over again.

⁃ Peace & quiet: I lived in NYC for the past 7 years before I moved back to the SoCal Mojave desert also in February. What an experience! But ultimately, I never want to live in a city again and I truly love my desert hometown. I love the quiet, I love the open space, I love the boredom. I took this small town for granted from ages 10-18, but now, I don’t want to leave it. The moment I moved back I felt right at home.

⁃ Working out: I workout all the time, and yes I do love it. But all athletes get to that point where we go on auto pilot for a while. It becomes mundane, tedious and boring. Also, we forget how lucky we are to be able bodied enough to workout the way we want to. No matter how unmotivated I may feel, I am now thankful anytime I show up and step on the mats for martial arts. I am thankful anytime I step outside for a desert walk or jog. When I’m finished with a workout, I am thankful for the endorphins I achieved.

⁃ Single-hood: I was in two back to back long term relationships where I lived with my partners the majority of the time. Obviously, nothing worked out, and I found myself petrified of being single for a brief period of time. Now, I find myself loving the time to get to live for me and only me. It was that thing I truly needed that I could not know or see for the majority of my early adulthood. Anytime I do anything without the need to check in with someone else or ask for permission, I feel gratitude. Anytime I’m awkwardly in the middle of seeing a couple bicker… gratitude.

⁃ Sobriety: The majority of us self medicate from time to time. For some, it may turn into heavy self medicating and/ or addiction. This happens as we chase highs. We chase highs when we fear the lows. When we fear our sober brain, as we know all too well how debilitating our symptoms can be. I’m talking about symptoms such as depression, anxiety, trauma triggers, sleep issues, anger and more. And, the drugs we may take to alleviate said symptoms. But, hopefully, we can engage in harm reduction and learn to also appreciate sobriety. The goal of medicating is to ease symptoms, not to permanently chase a high. I’m learning the difference, and I appreciate sobriety just as much as I do my medicine(s).

– Myself: I didn’t make time for self care, I did not have boundaries. I was self destructive, always a work in progress. I worked hard but never celebrated the hard work. I don’t care how much of a success you are, if you are incapable of celebrating and rewarding yourself, it will be a miserable existence. Now a days, some would even say I spoil myself, but after I work hard, I know what I deserve. Don’t want to take yourself for granted? Get to know you, find your sense of purpose, what gives you meaning, what brings you joy. And remember, always go back to that. Give yourself permission to put your needs first, regularly. My mind is more at peace with these practices.

Conclusion:

This was awesome to reflect on, and just in time for the Thanksgiving Holiday of 2021. I’ll be keeping it simple and low key, and hopefully others follow suit. Why add unnecessary stress to your life? Remember it’s about being thankful and having gratitude, not showing off or feeling the pressure to impress others. Take care!

Society Says:

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11/13/2021

“Of course, you are an expert in your own eyes, you have gotten this far and survived. But try to keep in mind, that the person right across from you, that you feel is so blind… survived a different set of circumstances, they’ve lived a separate life.” -EaE

 Society says… “You resigned? Why? Are you going to go back and work for them? What about retirement? Did you find a job yet? How about now? How about now? Are you looking for work? Did you hear back? When’s the start date? How’s the pay?”     I say, one pandemic led to another mass pandemic: burnout. Questioning our jobs and what needs to take priority in our lives is crucial. Prioritizing mental health over a job is never a bad thing, especially when you find the option and resources to do just that. It’s okay to switch fields when you realize you are in the wrong field. It’s okay to take a pay cut if it’s worth saving your sanity. It’s also okay to take a break completely to recharge. Being demonized and harassed for a break says more about the individuals chastising you, than it does about you.

      Society says… “You do martial arts..? But why? It’s dangerous. You’re a scholar, don’t mess up your brain! Men may not like women that can beat them up, or that rolls around with other men all evening.”      I say, do whatever you want, whatever you love as long as you are doing your best not to harm others in the process. I know I know… martial arts but, we can tap out and spare our lives. This is more of an issue of perception, as well as people’s deep seated fears in what they do not understand. And, in most cases, we do not understand a hobby/ sport/ lifestyle that we haven’t participated in. Some may also shame it because they do not understand what it can cost us to give up our special coping outlets. Also, gender norms and roles are still running rampant, even in 2021.

     Society says… “You just went through a break up, be single and alone. For a good while, but not forever! Love yourself. Heal alone. Don’t be bitter and talk about the break up too much, it was your fault anyways. When you find the ‘right’ person, it won’t be like that anyways.”    I say, the majority of people are talking out their ass when it comes to love, relationships, break ups and the ‘how to’ on how to heal. Why? The majority of this is about experimentation, mistakes, lessons, emotions, hardships but then also, individuality. People have a bad habit of using their personal story and blanketing it over the majority. People also have a bad habit of creating too many ‘rules’ toward something that is often widely unpredictable and difficult to tame. (Such as, another human being and how they love)

     Society says… “Be sociable, why don’t you like going to parties? Or dinner parties? But why? Why won’t you drink tonight? Are you allergic? Are you religious? Do you smoke instead? Why not come out to this event, come on it will be fun. You will like it this time.      I say, I know what I like, and I know what I do not like. I know what is worth pushing through, and what is highly triggering and not worth the effort. I say, that there are many ways to socialize in healthy manners, and we do not have to follow the majority when getting ‘our fix’ of social interaction. Remember the simple concept of ‘just because you like it, doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.’ Also the concept of ‘don’t apologize for being yourself’.

     Society says… “You were in the military…? Woah….. (Much awkward silence) My second cousin twice removed served, do you know them? Ummmm… How was it? Did you kill anyone? Did you see anyone die?  Why did you get out? OMG you get ‘free college’? So lucky…. Disability pay? Wow, so lucky…”        I say, if you truly do not understand something or know what to say about a topic, you can opt for silence. Never underestimate silence, because some words lead to ‘foot in mouth’ syndrome. I say, luck is a lot rarer than we believe. The majority of times, I find my ‘luck’ has to do with years and years of silent sacrifice that most individuals never bear witness to.  Also nothing is free when it comes to the military. It was either a part of our contract, or a part of getting compensated for mental and physical injuries sustained doing things that no one else wanted to sign up for.

     Society says… “You published a book?! OMG, can you help me out. I want to write, how did you do it? Can you edit this for me? You don’t write like how you talk. Can I have your book? (With no intention to pay) Can you help me get noticed as a writer?”      I say, what’s the good in having someone do all your work for you? More importantly, what can you actually learn from that? Accomplishments are NOT magic. They do not go ‘Poof’ and then appear. They are worked toward. They are science, they are a process. They required trial and error, followed up with new found knowledge. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Don’t rush your own process, and don’t disrespect someone else’s.

     Society says… “Have you tried this diet? Have you counted your calories? Don’t get bigger. Workout more, eat less. Just practice self-control. Put effort into your appearance. Are you okay? You look tired. You look mad. You look sick. What’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking?       I say, unless you know someone’s physical fitness goals and are solicited for your opinion, its best not to dictate another person’s body/ lifestyle. A lot of our outward appearances could be a reflection of an ‘invisible wound’. Eating disorders, food addictions, depression, anxiety, PTSD. Or phase of life circumstances that have forced us to switch priorities: natural disasters, chronic illness, children, relational stressor’s etc. You can ask someone if they are okay and how they are feeling, without insulting their appearance.

      Society says… “You post too much. You don’t post enough. You’re showing off. Why didn’t you like my post?? Use filters. Don’t use filters. No one needs to know that much about your life. Where did you go? What are you doing lately?       I say, we have confused a norm for a mandate. We have taken a cool and innovative option and turned it into an expectation. Social media is a person’s right to use or never use. Someone’s profile is their individual profile to do with whatever they please. I’m sincerely hoping social media does not create a sort of ‘control, entitlement and manipulation’ epidemic.

Bottom line? Don’t cave, we all deal with the pain and aches of people’s harsh opinions that may not be helpful. I mastered the art of filtering as much as possible and I encouraged many of my client’s to. Our mental health depends on those boundaries. When there are millions of voices coming at us on a daily basis, that can be overwhelming. It can induce guilt, shame and feelings of unworthiness. Let’s reframe, reset, clear it up. Live for you. Those that care will give constructive and helpful feedback. Everything else can be filtered away.

Book and Blog Summaries

By: Kersti Jarve/ Blogger/ Trauma coach/Motivational Podcaster/ Owner of Fighter Vision OU/ Psychological First Aid Cert

Kersti has been an incredibly supportive person since I met her on clubhouse, and with her knowledge and credentials I am not surprised. She has read various blogs on FunctionallyMental as well as ordered and read my book and posted about it. Below are the links to her summaries on both my blog and book. Thank you for being an educator and an advocate for mental health!

https://esmareageerija.blogspot.com/2021/10/raamat-unseen-undercovering-invisible.html?m=1

https://esmareageerija.blogspot.com/2021/10/blogi-functionally-mental.html?m=1