Self-Destructiveness

(Part 1- Qualitatively Measuring your Self-Destructive patterns)

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-2-2022

“In the quest to heal ourselves, we often and unintentionally, hurt ourselves instead.” –EaE

      There are many measures, screeners, and scales we use in the world of mental health, but I recently started to express a concern that the measure of self-destructiveness is lacking. In the age of our society preaching self-care, holistic health and balance, I found myself compulsively reminding people, that first it’s important to gauge how self-destructive someone is. Why? When you tell abused/ traumatized people to “self-care”, they may not even understand what that means. Did anyone teach them? Did they live in a world where they were allowed to care about themselves? Did they develop healthy habits in childhood? Or, were they left to fend for themselves as children, and in turn, had to pick up on some habits. These habits may have been acts that would ‘sooth’ them in the short run, but harm them in the long run.

     The most important take away is that we start to understand that self-care, is not an innate and natural thing for people. We are born helpless, and in need of help to survive. We are completely left at the mercy of our caregivers. And caregivers, as we know, range in what they are capable of, and what they are willing to do for us. This has a lot to do with what we will then learn to do for ourselves (or not do) as we grow older. Part 1 of this blog is about asking questions and helping people measure and gain an understanding of just how ‘self-destructive’ they are in daily life. Then, in part 2, I will go over interventions and ways to reduce self-destructiveness, for those that are in need. For this measure, I will not be using numbers or getting anyone caught up in being ‘evaluated’ and assigned a percentage. I will simply put the self-destructive categories and questions out there for you to answer yes or no to, and go in as much or as little detail as you would like at this time. This is for people to learn about themselves, and its judgement free. As you get to decide if you ever want to share these answers with anyone.

Are you Self Destructive? (Answer and reflect on the Q’s below)

  • Do you suffer from Self-inflicted Verbal abuse? Do you verbally abuse yourself? This can be a result of having verbally abusive caregivers, either that you were the victim of verbal abuse or perhaps witnessed caregivers verbally abusing each other. This could also be a result being a victim to a lot of bullying in school. Verbally abusing yourself looks like: Name calling, belittling, self-shaming, self-guilt tripping, perfectionistic language etc. Do you find that you are doing this on a regular basis? Even daily? This internal dialogue can start to feel ‘normal’ when it becomes a habit. But, it’s not normal or inherent. Humans do not naturally verbally abuse themselves. Often times, our inner critic dialogue comes from our external critics.
  • Do you suffer from Self Neglect? Do you ignore important humanly needs such as your physical/ medical needs, emotional needs and/ or spiritual needs? Do you forget or neglect to feed yourself or hydrate? Do you move your body enough? Do you allow yourself to have what you crave in moderation? Do you forget to set doctors’ appointments and/ or go to them? Do you suppress your emotional/spiritual needs and focus in on practical/ logical day to day matters such as work and bills? Do you neglect your home environment and fail to make it a comfortable place for you to live in?
  • Do you Self Sabotage?  Do you often ruin or neglect important opportunities for yourself? Either subconsciously or on purpose? Have you consistently been late or not shown up to important life events such as: job interviews, college finals, anniversaries or other important engagements that could boost/ help your life? Do you want change and yet fear it at the same time? Do you fear change to a point that you may hinder or delay your progress? Have you missed out on some pretty ‘huge’ opportunities due to this fear of change or fear of the unknown? Have you missed out on potentially great relationships because of it?
  • Do you engage in heavy Drug abuse patterns? We all self-medicate, but do you engage in heavy use of harmful substances? Do you find yourself using these substances for any/ every reason you can think of? Such as: celebration, sadness, guilt, anger, boredom, stress and more. Are you experiencing negative consequences due to this drug abuse pattern? Negative consequences such as: financial strain, medical side effects, emotional side effects, strained relationships, difficulty at work and so on?
  • Do you engage in compulsive behaviors that result in chronic negative consequences? These compulsive behaviors could include regular unprotected sex with strangers, heavy gambling or shopping. Other behaviors could include chasing adrenaline filled activities such as driving extremely fast, shoplifting, dangerous stunts etc. Do you find it hard to quit? Do you find it hard to sit with yourself in either the boredom or other heavy emotions of what you are experiencing in the moment?
  • Do you accept and even sometimes chase abusive relationships? Any/ everyone could potentially fall victim to an abusive partner, this is not a blame game. Predators do exist in the world. But this question is tailored more toward people that have a repetitive abusive partner history, with a tendency to go back to the abuse. Or chasing the ‘highs’ that follow the lows of the abuse. Do you find the ‘high’ after the abuse a hard thing to get away from? Does it feel like a magnet? Do you find yourself intrigued by the extreme ups and downs that some of your prior abusive partners offered? Do you feel like you must suffer through it to be ‘worthy’ or to finally ‘win’ the affection you worked/ suffered so hard for?
  • Do you engage in restrictive, binge and/ or purge cycles with food? Do you find that you have a difficult relationship with food? Do you find that it leads to the urge to either restrict your caloric intake or purge what you have eaten? Or do you find yourself binging and then hating yourself for it? Are you doing all of the above or maybe parts of it? Are you obsessing over how you look and how others perceive your looks? Does obsessions with losing/ gaining weight haunt your daily thinking? Have you fell ill due to these unhealthy habits with food or experienced negative physical, social or emotional consequences?
  • Do you engage in Non suicidal self-directed violence? Do you harm yourself on purpose? Not for the intent of dying, but for the purpose of ‘soothing’, ‘coping’, ‘feeling something’, attention and/ or unknown reasons? Do you burn yourself? Cut yourself? Obsessively skin pick? Pull your hair out? Do you binge on drugs? Does it relieve you temporarily but you find that the issues you experience always come back? Do you want to stop, but find it hard due to this coping style now being so ingrained?
  • Have you had any suicide attempts? The question is already there. Have you had attempts? Have you sought out help for this? Have you processed this? Do you find yourself not wanting to die anymore but having lingering thoughts about it? Ideations or even plans?

Conclusion:

This is a heavy blog, please take the time to decompress. If anything stands out and you have a therapist already, I encourage self-reflection, and also to discuss with your therapist in the next session. If you never had a therapist and want to start therapy, that is always a YES answer from me. The purpose of this blog is for psychoeducation, but cannot replace therapy. In part 2, I will break down/ discuss possible self-interventions to combat self-destructive patterns. Stay tuned, and stay safe.

Mental Poetry

Elisa A Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-23-2022

I wrote this in regard to people that were close to me, that thought it was a better idea to lie to me and allow me to live in “blissful ignorance” vs tell me the actual truth. Be honest with your friends and partners, even if it hurts.
I wrote this way back in High School. Even back then, I felt like freedom was just an illusion .
I wrote this regarding the types of people I refer to as “leeches” and “vampires”. People that latch on and take advantage of kindness, without regard to how badly they are hurting us.
This is about drug induced psychosis & ego death
This is about having a toxic friend that holds you back, and the hardship of coming to the realization that you have to cut ties and move on.
This is about the danger of envy and toxic competitiveness. How some people get to a point they want to win so bad, they would do any horrific thing for it.
This is about drug and abusive relationship withdrawal. How even though the sobriety of it is better for us, we feel extremely unsteady with our newfound peace.
Many different forms of suicidal ideation, plans and attempts
War trauma, drug addiction, confusion, flashbacks, danger, anxiety, numbness and more

Chronic and Incurable

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-15-2022

“Life works out better when you can see the purpose in your boring day off just as much as you can see the purpose in your purposeful work days.”

      On one end of the spectrum I, as a behavioral health specialist, may get questions like “So what do I do?” “What’s the answer?” Then, on the other end of the spectrum I may get comments or retorts such as “That doesn’t help!” “That’s not going to solve my problems!” Both sets of comments, whether you’re on one end of the spectrum or the other, do end up pointing to the same issue: Expectation reality mismatch. Somewhere along the lines, perhaps you were led to believe that the mental health world has magical ‘cure alls’, or that life in itself, was not meant to have chronic illnesses. That surely, there is a divine intervention that will fix this chronic issue once and for all…. but then… everything falls short. Or rather, most interventions will offer temporary relief, but will not make the physical or mental ailment go away all together.

     When I entered the world of mental health at the inexperienced age of eighteen, I wanted to believe in this obsession we have of ‘finding a cure’. I wanted to save people, I wanted to believe there were concrete answers to the majority of these issues. But what I came to find was the theme of chronic illnesses such as chronic pain conditions, depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, ADHD, Bipolar disorder, “personality disorders” (Complex PTSD), addiction(s) and more…. Were in fact, very chronic. I saw therapists at workshops and webinars constantly preaching the ‘next big cure’ for specific mental conditions. Only to see colleagues use these ‘promising interventions’, and to their frustration, many of their patients felt better temporarily, but typically had a new flood of symptoms causing them distress anywhere from month’s to years later.

        Curing should NOT be the goal

       Curing should not be the goal, nor should it be promised by any clinician or person. Why? Because most mental illnesses are in fact, CHRONIC. This means that there is a chance the symptoms may go through waves throughout the course of our lifetime. We may have some really great days, weeks, months or years. Followed by some horrendous days, weeks, months and years. Most clients describe these waves, and that their environment, social situations, life circumstances and holistic health often play factors in how they feel too. As a clinician, I’ve had many cases in which people came to get therapy in spurts, often times based on symptom exacerbation. For example, they may get help for months and then disappear for months, then come back for more help. Why? Simply put, when symptoms get better, they see no reason to get help. They may even go on about life hopeful that the symptoms never resurface, only to find out they often do, inevitably, when faced with life triggers, traumas, grievances and other stressful circumstances.

       The Real Goal: Symptom maintenance

        Because most mental conditions are chronic, the goal is symptom maintenance. First, for some clients I just get through the difficult task of explaining the heart wrenching truth: There is no cure all. I don’t have the divine intervention, I have many interventions that can help temporarily alleviate symptoms, but nothing that cures and makes everything go away. And since mental health is not just about biological susceptibility, but in large part, environmental and social factors play a role; how can we ever expect a cure?? Does life stress ever actually go away? No, if anything, hopefully we learn to tailor our lifestyle according to our needs/ desires. The goal of symptom maintenance requires that we get therapy in spurts over time, take what works, and discard the rest. Rinse, wash, repeat. Gain the knowledge, practice interventions, find the tools that work, practice self-care daily if possible, and treat therapy as a marathon vs a sprint. If you try to sprint through therapy, what you are going to find is that you might learn one half assed intervention, and find that it barely scratches the surface of your issues.

       Holistic Health

       Holistic health has to do with the concept that every part of our health and well-being plays a part in how we feel and function day to day: physical, mental, moral, emotional, social, professional, spiritual, financial and more. Most humans will tackle 1-2 of these components heavily in ‘pursuit of happiness’ only to find that there’s a lot missing, there are many voids, and many symptoms that sometimes go unexplained. A balanced individual strives to contribute little by little to all of their life realms, without working to burnout in any category. These individuals, tend to feel better day to day, vs someone that is imbalanced and abstaining from a focus on holistic health. What does focusing on holistic health and balance look like?

         Holistic Checklist:

  • Hydrate, rest, nourish, nurture body
  • Therapy and/ or medication compliance (talk/ nature/ pet/ writing etc)
  • Self Help books/ audios/ documentaries
  • Solitude Activities
  • Social activities
  • Physical activities
  • Intimacy/ Love
  • Spiritual Outlets
  • Budgeting time and money
  • Professional development (school/ work formal and/ or non-formal)
  • Behaviorally activated hobbies (gardening/ crafts/ woodwork etc)
  • Exploring new things/ new adventures
  • Building a comfortable/ sustainable routine

Conclusion:

Here’s what they don’t tell us: Being healthy takes a lot of work, especially as we age. Maybe you have a healthy baseline and the above list simply needs to be maintained. However, many people walk around with an imbalanced baseline. Maybe your baseline is depressed, or anxious, or angry. Therefore, the holistic list needs to be modified and some areas may need more focus than others for a while. Sometimes the priorities must change on our holistic list. I mentioned recently to a patient that was struggling with a traumatic loss that it is absolutely okay and acceptable to switch her priorities for the time being, the situation warrants it. This is never a one size fits all. This is a never ending practice, learning to balance our life and self care routine. But absolutely, never under estimate the importance of it. Also, never let someone make you feel like your holistic care MUST be sacrificed. This is your life, after all.

Mental Health Internet “Experts” Part 2

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-10-2022

After I published mental health experts, I immediately knew that I would need to do a part two. I had a great reviews, and also my blog could be centered around this alone. Because the Internet is throwing out horrible mental health advice at a pace that cannot be controlled. I have no problem debunking some of this horrible mental health advice, especially when it induces shame in those that are suffering on a regular basis. Because mental health is an invisible wound, people that suffer from it are extra vulnerable to being invalidated, critiqued and steered in the wrong direction. So let’s do better, let’s keep striving to get it right.

Though this writer may have had good intentions, she’s neglecting three very important things. 1- depression rumination, 2- trauma triggers. 3- The art of referencing our past to learn, and hopefully, not repeat mistakes. “The past is gone” is a fact many like to bring up. It’s truth, but memory is cemented (in most cases) forever. Memory serves vital functions. Memory could also hinder our mental health. Knowing our “past is gone” won’t erase our memory. Period.
Unpopular fact: SOME of our problems are caused by a lack of self discipline. And some of our problems are caused by being born in horrendous households we had absolutely no say in. Some of our problems are caused by faulty genetics that we did not ask for. Some of our problems are caused by evil predators that are set on ruining our lives. Some of our problems are caused by our government and society. Individual accountability is important, but it’s just a portion of the pie.
To me, this seems like a cop out for someone that’s afraid to actually be a listener when someone is in distress. And how can we possibly know someone will grow into “the person they were meant to be?” As a therapist, I would never feel comfortable selling someone this lie. This goes under the umbrella of toxic positivity.
Sorry Honest Abe (if he in fact wrote this one) but this wasn’t too truthful or honest at all. If happiness was a decision, I would imagine that close to 100 percent of people in this world would be happy. Happy feels pretty good, while sadness, anxiety, stress and anger suck! I would be out of the job if people could simply choose happiness and then the dopamine just rushes into their brain on command. IF ONLY. I believe people fear unhappy people, because they know how fragile their happy state is, and they fear that the other persons depression will contaminate them.
Becoming a victim of any type of trauma: rape, natural disaster, domestic violence, work centered violence, child abuse etc was not a decision anyone intentionally made. Its pretty emotionally immature to call it “playing victim” in reference to anyone that was traumatized and faced with the fragile process of healing. And yes, we do have to heal. That healing process looks like a roller coaster of emotions, and these emotions get judged, everyday. Especially by those who know nothing about real hardship.
Life isn’t life without stress. Stress is guarantee, stress can’t be avoided. “No reason to be stressed?!” I can’t think of a single human developmental milestone that we go through without stress! 🧐 And as we accomplish our feats and/ or deal with our traumas and grievances, it’s incredibly helpful to have role models and mentors that talk to us about this stress and difficult growing pains. Validate! Don’t deny reality!
Insomnia/ Narcolepsy/ Hypersomnia/ Panic disorders/ Depression/ PTSD/ PCOS/ Hypothyroidism/ congestive Heart Failure/ Type 1 Diabetes/ Increased costs of living/ Employee wages barely rising/ multigenerational poverty/ Family Caregiving responsibilities. This is a list of a bunch of medical, mental and environmental conditions this writer ignored in this post. Conditions that make “simple” things, not so simple. Mental & medical conditions as well as poor economic climate aren’t excuses, they’re reasons. They cause limitations. We have to work hard to create a whole new lifestyle so that the sufferer can learn to function properly once again.

Mental Health internet “Experts”

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-25-2022

This topic needs to get covered, and I finally got my collection together to make this happen. Now with social media, there are mental health influencers and gurus everywhere. There’s more talk on mental health than ever before. And I’m proud of the younger generation for being more open to discuss it. However, the downfall is how quickly even the terrible mental health messages can circulate. I see mental health quotes going viral all the time, sometimes with inappropriate messages. There’s messages geared toward victim blaming, inducing shame, and showcasing ableism. There’s advice that works for a small percentage of people, but definitely not the majority. And the last thing any mental health professional wants to see is hundreds of years of progress getting washed over by a new phenomenon that is hard to tame/ manage. So I will share my collection of harmful mental health posts/ memes in this blog and give my professional rebuttals.

Clinical depression (Major depression) is a chemical imbalance (low serotonin & dopamine levels) typically combined with the vicious cycle of rumination, low motivation and physiological symptoms to include fatigue, limited energy, drain, numbness. People simply do not manifest these symptoms with their mind. Typically, the symptoms may worsen, they may rarely let up, and the result is the cycle which may include negative thinking patterns due to how horrible the person feels. Although it’s easy for those that don’t understand the condition to use the lines “it’s all in your head” or “you are just making yourself sad”, it’s a cop out for not wanting to gain a true understanding of the ailment.
This one was comical to me. As much as I would love to believe this is true, it can be very misleading. Imagine telling a people pleasing, savior complex having, fawning victim of abuse to just settle for what’s in front of them. A good heart and pure intentions is beautiful, but without boundaries it can lead to chaotic situations. And if someone remains stagnant in their chaos, with the delusion that it will “just workout in the end”, they may be getting set up for a world of misery. Things don’t just “work out in our favor”, life requires work, insight, growth and knowledge.
Not all relationships look alike, and not everyone feels the need to conform to societal pressures. Not everyone celebrates love in the same way. Marriage does not always equate to happiness and fulfillment (just look at our countries divorce rate). And NOT getting married does not mean someone is doomed to a destiny of heartbreak.
This seems like a given… but it has to be said again and again. Memory cannot be willed away on command. Our fight or flight response (in the amygdala) is tied to memory (through our hippocampus) in a primal part of our brain geared toward survival. Let go of what? Crucial Memory? Defense mechanisms? Physiological responses? Adrenaline? Letting go cannot happen without safety & healing, regardless.
There are many cases and scenarios in which this would be the worst thing to do. Such as: neglecting your bills, neglecting your responsibilities. Taking attention away from work when it’s stressful, or your children when they’re acting up. Depriving your spouse of attention when they’re upsetting you, further piling on the resentment. This is blanketed, and rarely translates to how real life plays out.
There are many variations of this quote that have circulated. The main issue with this mentality is that it leads people to believe that feelings and emotions do not serve a fundamental purpose. Feelings give us crucial data that we must interpret. Feelings exist just as logic exists, and we NEED both emotions and logic ….and more. “Stronger” than feelings? Feelings deliver messages, they don’t inherently weaken us. This stigma runs deep.
This is stating and advising the obvious. It’s just negating the reality of what an eating addiction and/ or an eating disorder is. The issue is that there are many that do suffer through the cycle of disordered eating, and can’t seem to gain a grip on managing it. And in cases like that, the sufferers need a well thought out treatment plan and intervention, not a blanketed statement that may induce shame due to simplifying a rather complex problem. The above advice is what a healthy mind would do, not an ill one.
I simply must believe a ten year old wrote this. It’s the only way to keep some of my faith in humanity in tact. Only a healthy kid, maybe ten or younger would think or assume our minds are always in our control no matter what trauma or hardship we endure…. Right?

With Great Power…

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-20-2022

“Some people will show a fictional version of themselves, with the motive of getting the best they can out of you.”- EaE

Sometimes you do not know the power you possess, mentally. Sometimes our mental traits, defense mechanisms and even disorders, can give us advantages over other mental dispositions. A person with descent morals will recognize their power and take it seriously. An oblivious person may not realize the power they hold as they continue to hurt others. And, an evil person, will use the power to their advantage without a care in the world. These power dynamics can play out in friendships, intimate relationships, family dynamics and work relationships. The off-set balance can give some people advantages that they do not deserve, while other people may get the short end of the stick if their mental traits and character put them at a disadvantage, even when they have good intentions and work hard. In this blog I will discuss what happens when certain mental traits/ personalities fuse together/ join forces but create an unhealthy dynamic that may leave one or more people hurt. This education could possibly help oppressors learn to tame their ability to hurt others and can help victims learn to see a cycle that they may want to get out of.

       Disinhibited attachment vs Attachment Anxious

Disinhibited attachment stems from those that were neglected in their upbringing to a point they learned to emotionally distance themselves and handle life on their own. They learn to not need people in any capacity and can be okay in extreme amounts of solitude. Meanwhile, attachment anxious people have similar upbringings with neglect and abandonment. However, instead of learning to be alone, they went the opposite route and tend to chase and cling in order to get the love they long for. If you happen to be a person with disinhibited attachment, with someone that is attachment anxious, you hold a lot of power. You can be okay alone, mean while the attachment anxious will long for you, and also chase you when you pull away. This can cause a very unhealthy dynamic which may result in serious heartbreak. Some attachment anxious people may even get suicidal if they continue to get into relational dynamics that make them feel ‘unworthy’ and used. Be very careful with this power, and if you are not serious about someone, maybe be honest and try not to lead anyone on. And to the attachment anxious, learning not to chase will be your biggest challenge, but it will also set you free when you master it.

       The Narcissist vs The Savior

Unfortunately, there may be no point in giving advice to a narcissist because the literature will always tell us, that they do not care who they hurt. That is the true power of the narcissist, being able to lie and manipulate and not feel any remorse. This keeps them one step above anyone with a moral conscious. So, this warning is for the savior. Be careful who you are trying to save. Be aware if you have a theme of wanting to rescue others to feel ‘worthy’. You may feel some semblance of worth temporarily, but it will not be worth it. At first, the dynamic of a narcissist and a savior may feel incredible. What does a savior love more than saving and showing someone how good they are? They will get the compliments about how great they are. The saving will get reinforced. But eventually they may burnout and have a lack of appreciation. The true warning sign of when this is unhealthy? When you are saving and saving and saving, and the other person is not reciprocating. Then, when you are fatigued and need a break, if they hate you for it, they didn’t love you. They loved what you had to offer. That is not a collaborative relationship, that is a one-way relationship that only served the narcissist, not the savior. A person that cares for you, will care for your health and wellbeing.

       The Anxious vs the Depressed

 Anxious people tend to live in “What if?” land, meanwhile depressed people live in “whyyy?” land. One obsesses and fusses over everything, while the other ruminates and shuts out the world. Anxious people use the energy to be on ‘go go go’ mode and have the compulsion to control outcomes in order to ease their anxiety. Meanwhile, depressed people are fatigued and numbed out to a point it’s hard to care about anything. These two mental dispositions and belief patterns typically cannot understand each other. They offend each other. The anxious to the depressed: “Why the hell don’t you care about this?”  The depressed to the anxious: “Why do you care so damn much?” In this case, neither are completely wrong or right, neither encompass all the power, despite what some may believe. They’re just on opposite ends of the spectrum, and it may complicate the dynamics of a relationship. As the depressed person, it may be tempting to make fun of the anxious as they ‘care way too much’. Then as the anxious person, it’s tempting to ridicule the depressed person, as they are ‘way too negative’. They both have different areas of power, and different areas of weakness. Empathy please!!!  

       The Blunt & outspoken vs the Silent & Timid

If you are blunt & outspoken and have some type of intimate, family, work relationship or friendship with a shy/ silent and timid type, it’s important to know you hold a lot of power. You get your words and feelings out there, while they feel the need to keep quiet. You may offend them without getting faced with confrontation. They may be burning inside with resentment while you go about life saying what you want. Despite popular belief, quiet people are not necessarily ‘snobby’. In many cases, they were taught to not voice their concerns or stand up for themselves for a variety of reasons. This could include abuse in childhood, cultural teachings, religious teachings and so on. Not all people that are blunt and outspoken are abusive, but for the ones that tend to be, this can create a very unhealthy relational dynamic. This could include chronic emotional abuse. If you were taught to speak your mind, that is a good thing, but if you were NOT taught to consider your delivery as well as the listener’s feelings, then you may be abusing this power. And, the silent person has the difficult challenge of trying to learn confrontation and boundaries, something they had been avoiding their whole lives. This ability does NOT happen overnight.

The Loved Vs the Neglected

People that are loved unconditionally in healthy households cannot fathom what a person that was emotionally and/ or physically neglected has been through. The character differences will especially show up in a person’s ability to care and fend for themselves. Children that are loved learn to care for themselves in healthy ways. Children that were neglected and/ or abused learn self-destructive patterns that are rarely relatable to the majority. They may get ridiculed and harshly judged. But, if something is a person’s norm, how can they truly know any different? Children exposed to drugs may pick up on addictive habits, kids that were beat a lot may learn to hurt themselves with cutting and burning etc. Kids that are constantly ignored and starved may not understand how to do even basic things for themselves well into adulthood. A loved person will see these patterns as a sign of ‘weakness’, or something to make fun of. This is also known as “ableism”, when you can easily do something that comes hard to others and do not see the true reason why; that you had advantages that others did not.  When you have love, resources, and a stable upbringing, you have power where other’s do not. You can recognize this power and take the energy to uplift others, or you can use this power to ridicule and judge. The choice is yours.

The “Number Free” Athlete

(For those that engage in fitness while suffering through Eating disorders)

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-09-2022

      I want to step on the scale over and over, yet I begin to ignore it. I want to pinch my body fat again, while obsessively looking in the mirror, but I will not.  I want to change my outfit, over and over again, I settle on the first thing I pick. I want to self-hate when I sit down and feel the rolls scrunch up, I reframe and move on. I want to tell myself to get down to XXX pant size, I choose not to care anymore. I have two sets of sizes for my tops and bottoms, because my weight tends to fluctuate. I want to have a goal weight, I had to give that up. I want to count calories, instead I purposely lose track and get in tune with my body instead. When I am overweight, I want to avoid the mirror completely. I also force my mind to create an illusion of a thin girl staring back at me in the mirror; denial. When I am small, I look in the mirror and see myself as heavy, to reinforce the behaviors over and over; self-destructiveness.

As I workout, I want to count my reps, but instead I alternate sides while listening to my body and what it tells me it can handle. I want to tell myself I should do x, y, z because some magazine, source or person told me to. Instead, my body tells me what workout I should do. I want to use time as a measure, for circuits and for the workout in its entirety. Instead, I use songs on my iPod to give me cues to switch over to a different set of exercises. I want to workout until my lungs feel like they’re going to explode, but I remind myself that its not necessary for every workout. I do not have a plan per say, I go where my mind and body take me. I have the workout equipment and the skills necessary to not cheat myself out of what I need. I want to sign up for another martial arts competition, I hate competing, but… it will force me to lose weight. I’ve put this to a halt! (We should only do things out of love, no more self-punishment)

This is me, being a number free athlete. Why? Because for countless years, I suffered through every fad diet imaginable. I suffered through obsessing over numbers when it came to weight, clothes sizes, reps, distances etc. For years, I engaged in perfectionism and standards that felt impossible to live up to. I worked out like a pro athlete, but for no money. The injuries, fatigue and lack of a social life was in vain. For ten years, I belonged to the Air Force and had a PT test that I had to pass in order to remain deployable for the military. Because of this cycle, I developed an eating disorder. I lost all sense of self-worth, and/ or an identity beyond how I looked and performed.

     Because the eating disorder was the first thing I ever received mental health treatment for, I was able to develop the cognitive strategies to go into remission. Then, after years of practice, I used my clinical skills and fitness skills to develop my own strategies that would no longer exacerbate my eating disordered mind. The rules are: There are no rules. There are no numbers. Then, there are no more reason’s to exhaust ourselves, to hate ourselves, to expect more than what we are willing to give. THIS WAS NOT EASY, but it was necessary for self-preservation. So, for anyone that suffers through any type of ED, and is also trying to figure out how to balance it with fitness, this is for you.

Becoming a Number Free Athlete

The behavioral modifications- (Behavior changes that can help reduce the ED cycle)

The scale– Many ED experts will tell you no more than 1X a wk on the scale to reduce obsessive weighing and shame cycles. I personally am not using a scale, I find it simpler this way. I do not need it without a competition or PT test. 

The outfits– Accept your size as it is if/ when you are working out moderately to extreme, and also eating your average diet that fulfills your hunger. If your weight fluctuates, have smaller and larger clothes so that you do not have to keep shopping and discarding outfits year round! Choose clothes you feel great/ comfortable in, not clothes that force you to change sizes upon buying them.

The workouts- 1: Find the workout you LOVE and do it. If this requires experimentation, then explore and have a blast while at it. 2- Once you find your physical activity, gym and/ or class to attend, decide realistically, where it fits into your schedule!  Days and ‘timeframes’ could be helpful, but nothing needs to be forced. 3- During workouts, be as number free as possible. Do not obsess over time, do not obsess over sets & reps (alternate sides if necessary to avoid counting as much as possible), and do not obsess over the calories being burnt. Feel your body and be HONEST with yourself. Push yourself to discomfort, but not to injury! If you’re going to a class, relax and let them lead! But advocate for yourself if you feel you are being pushed beyond your limit. Coach selection is also crucial!

The Food-  Colories vs Calories is an incredible concept and encouraged by therapists. The more color on your plate, generally the more nutritional value you will get. Eat what your mind and body tells you it needs, and eat until your body tells you it’s satisfied. Then put the food away with the knowledge of knowing you can go back to it later if you are still hungry.  Do another activity!  (Especially if depressed, stressed or bored…  have many coping outlets to engage in. You deserve multiple coping strategies.)

The cognitive reframing- (Healthy thoughts related to Food & Body)

  • I’m hungry, therefore I should eat.
  • If I’m hungry later, I can eat more of this. But I’m full now, therefore I’ll put it away and do something else.
  • It’s normal for our body to scrunch up or have rolls when we sit or bend.
  • It’s normal for weight to fluctuate, and it’s okay to have a variation of clothes sizes for when this happens.
  • A change in diet and workout routine can alter my appearance, but it cannot change my genetics. (Take the time to distinguish the difference)
  • Forbidden foods will only exacerbate my urge to restrict and then binge/ purge. I will eat what I want, and will strive to practice moderation.
  • I love _____________________ about my body.
  • My body requires certain nutrients that I want to strive to give it.
  • I deserve clothes that I feel comfortable and attractive in.
  • Numbers NEVER tell the whole story. More importantly, how do I feel?
  • People may throw unsolicited advice at me regularly, but they do not know what my goals are. I’ll take what’s helpful, and discard the rest.

The mental filtering- (Filtering & combatting the triggers that exacerbate ED symptoms)

Books/ Mags– If you find yourself absorbed in paper content that induces shame due to advertisements using ONLY 1 type of model, toss it away. It’s not for you. There are plenty of campaigns that choose to include all body types/ sizes. And no, it is not to promote an agenda. Rather, it is acknowledging that body types and sizes range all over the spectrum, and everyone needs CLOTHES and accessories. The end.

Friends/ Family– They often mean well, or sometimes they are assholes, it’s one or the other. Friends/ family may lure us in with ‘weight loss competitions’, comparing sizes, commenting on your weight gain or weight loss, chastising you about what you put in your mouth… etc. Be firm with your body/ goals being personal to you, and that you are not soliciting advice at this time. Let them continue with the fad frenzies if they would like, but it’s NOT FOR YOU anymore.

Social Media/ Internet– The athletes to look up to on social media: They are helpful and humble. They are dedicated to their regiments, they are happy and inspire. They show proof of what they are capable of, they align with your values and preferences. Most importantly, they do not shame others, but rather, they uplift & give constructive advice/ feedback. The athletes to NOT look up to:  They are starving, they are excessively at the gym & neglecting other important life realms: social/ family/ spiritual/ occupational/ mental. They have excess cosmetic surgery, and do not show proof of discipline. They body shame. They act perfect, or are under the delusion that they are ‘perfect’.

Intimate Partners– It may be tempting to get your S/O involved in your ED, but NEVER do it. This means, your partner has no right to count your calories, monitor your weight and workouts, or pressure you into an activity or regiment you hate. This is getting into abuse territory. Find people that love your body as is, and that prioritize your happiness and health. Life is too short to be with someone that does not like your body.

Grocery store & Food ads– If you know there’s a specific grocery aisle and/ or fast food logo/ sign that will make your mouth water and make a ravenous beast out of you… either avoid it, or listen to it. (For example I typically avoid chip and baking aisles) Avoiding can mean not having the temptation in the first place. However, if it couldn’t be avoided and your mind/ body now need a juicy burger or you may just kill someone, then…. Eat the damn burger! You wanted it, you had it, no shame. Just keep up your fitness regimen and remember colories!  Human’s lapse and relapse, it’s a normal part of the change process.

Final Out

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-3-2022

“They will never get their lives back. Their parents will never get their kids back. And there are many more who will never get their limbs back. Many more who will never get their sanity back. You say that you will never forget… but you already have. –EaE/ LCSW/ OEF Veteran

            My psychiatric interview in early 2018: (I was already off of Active Duty for almost four years but still in the Air force reserves, and just 8 months into my career at the Brooklyn Vet Center)

Civilian psychiatrist:  “I don’t know, I mean I hear that you are saying you’re experiencing all of these symptoms… but you’re a pretty new therapist. Many new therapists think that they are taking on the same symptoms that their clients are, it’s just a lack of experience perhaps….”

My thoughts as I listened to this feedback: “Ummm… I’ve already told her about Afghanistan. And that my trauma therapy sessions with my clients were giving me intrusive thoughts back to my war experience, increased anxiety, increased hypersomnia, severe depression and difficulty with intimacy and socializing… how can she not connect the dots? This is chronic PTSD mixed with the secondary traumas of being a psychotherapist… but I’m the newbie… yea, okay.

          After painfully going through psych eval after psych eval, I was beginning to get hopeless. I reflected back on my time when I had just been released from Active Duty in the summer of 2014. Technically, there were some warning signs even way back then. Long walks, 2-3 hours a day in which I wanted to keep away from everyone, but it was never enough time by myself. Disconnect, numbness, agitation and avoidance. I became more obsessed with the gym, particularly martial arts, and I did not want to engage in anything else, to include conversations with people. My eating was getting out of control yet again, what else was new? I did love my college experience, that happened to be my saving grace and I cherished every moment of it since it was the most freedom I had ever experienced in my life.

      Back to 2018: I went from one failed relationship right into another relationship that had “Red Flags” written all over it, but I wanted to hope that I had found something ‘special’. I then began to obsessively self-medicate with things that shall remain nameless for now. These things were introduced to me by my new significant other, and we rushed through a tornado of a relationship full of drugs, trauma bonding, abuse and more. Somehow, it distracted me from my current traumas, but added on in the long run due to the domestic violence. I was getting financially and mentally drained while he fed me fairy tales, exploited my kindness and manipulated my thinking patterns.

     One silver lining: I became service connected for VA disability at a 30% rating for depression, hypersomnia and PTSD. This wasn’t much, but it was a start, and it led me to my decision to fully get out of the Air Force reserves. “What about retirement??” Many people asked as they could not fathom why I would serve 10 years, and not ‘suck it up’ and ‘just’ do another 10 to get a DoD pension. But, if they had to ask, then they simply did not understand. This was chronic mental illness, and although I was still highly unaware of just how deep and severe it was getting, I knew enough to know that I needed to call at ‘quits’ with the military.

       Someone in the past few years had recently made a Facebook post asking people for the TOP 3 Hardest things they had ever done. I made my list very matter of fact and concretely:

#3 Afghanistan deployment

#2 Step parenting (Alongside irresponsible & abusive biological parents, I might add)

# 1 Hardest and without a Doubt:  Being a Trauma Therapist (To be more specific, being a trauma therapist that already has PTSD)

       My receptionist could see the pain in my eyes early on in my career at the Vet center, he predicted I wouldn’t last two years. I lasted 3.5. When I think back on this time, struggling with trying to balance this career, the Air Force reserves as well as my own mental illnesses and trigger responses from my deployment, it’s hard to describe. I was beyond burnout. I was a zombie. Everything in me was drained due to my emotionally laborious job. After the work days, I was no longer present or functional. My coaches started calling me lazy due to my lethargic state, or getting on me for not being able to ‘concentrate’. My now ex was angry at me for being ‘lazy’ and unable to do much after work besides drug my mind away from reality. My friends started expressing concerns about my memory and lack of ‘presence’ even when I was around them. Apparently I was retelling stories over and over again, and unable to focus on what was being said.

       Technically, I believe I could have held on a little longer than 3.5 years, but the break up (In Jan of 2021) was the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ and led me to the decision to fully resign, move back to CA with my father and change up my entire life. This was one of the hardest decisions to make, because it required me to suck it up and admit I needed help. I honestly felt like I had no choice, as the mental shock of the break up along with my chronic trauma symptoms led me to a series of terrifying thoughts and events that put me on the VA suicide watch list for six months, and eventually, a 70% disability rating (with the addition of binge eating disorder added to the mix).

     Everything I have done since moving back to CA in Feb 2021 has been about healing, processing, finding a proper and healthy medication regiment, and creating the boundaries that I so desperately needed since I was a child. I know, that in order to not go back to that dangerous mental state, everything has to be changed for the better, and maintained. People tend to want to run away and avoid their mental health concerns. They want to push it to the back burner, I was no different. It feels like the ‘right’ thing to do, until it builds up and comes crumbling down on you in a way that gives you no more options. Get better and learn to live, or keep dying a slow and painful death. Death is guaranteed, but our struggles in life vastly depend on whether or not we are willing to prioritize our wellbeing. For some people, this actually means they must change everything. I had to change my residence, my relationship status, and my career, all within months.

      Conclusion:

       My final out as well as my transition into the civilian sector has been plagued with mental illness and transitional stressors. I will never lie about that, nor am I ashamed of admitting my mental illnesses. They are an imprint, they are not my fault. I monitor myself every day, I act with intent and purpose. I find reason for every thought and every emotion. I am mindful, I am even a bit spiritual at times. I am grateful that I had the ability to find out all that was harming me, remove it, and replace it all with something better. I am reformed, maybe one day, I’ll even be able to thrive. If I could go back in time, I would have spent more time after the military looking for mentors as well as more positive ways to take care of myself. I would have especially worked on my sense of self-worth.

     The military has a way of robbing some of us of our identities and our sense of self. This can take a lifetime to get back… assuming we ever had it to begin with. I see now very neutrally and clearly that I was indoctrinated into a world that prioritized mission above self, and that taught us to be sacrificial. They taught us that boundaries do not exist, and that our ability to be highly functioning while in horrible situations is something to be ‘proud of’. This, along with my childhood trauma, led me into an increased pattern of self-destructiveness. I am faced with the daily task of undoing these thought patterns and habits little by little, but every painful step of the way, it gets easier. And then, my mind feels lighter.

Homecoming

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 2-22-2022

I returned home from Afghanistan in January of 2013. Immediately after I got off the airplane and into the airport waiting area, I saw my long-term boyfriend of 5 years, there to greet me. My eyes brightened as we went toward each other for a hug. Unfortunately, my mood took a plunge as I noticed my Commander (A Lt Colonel) intercepted us to shake my hand first. ‘This woman is really going to ruin my magical return home moment??!’ I thought to myself as I reluctantly shook her hand. She welcomed me home like a true Officer/ Commander that does not give a shit… but has to be there, and would rather be sleeping in. After our handshake and fake conversation, I went to my boyfriend for the hug as she stared awkwardly at us. I did not kiss for very long, as it is ‘frowned upon’ to show PDA while in military uniform. (sigh….)

      About 2 weeks after home coming, I went to the local pet store near my base in Abilene, Texas. Through this town ran a railroad with a very active train service. As I was unlocking my car door to go home, the train conductor blared the horn full blast. I uncontrollably jumped into my car to hide. I immediately felt adrenaline and shakiness course through my body, and I cried for what felt like, no reason at all. Although I did find this situation odd (I had never struggled with anxiety), I put it behind me rather quickly. Fast forward through the months, I got the occasional nightmare. These nightmares often included fighter helicopters or jets flying above and bombing my immediate surroundings. I figured, “Hey this is normal, it’s acute. It is going to happen sometimes. I did just come home, after all…”

     When I returned to work at the mental health clinic stateside, I found my mind wandering more than usual. I also experienced more negative and pessimistic cognitions and attitudes toward my typical duty day. “Now Team, this is an important matter…. We need to make sure we are not using the color printer too much. Use the black ink and cut down on costs…” My Flight chief lectured us in one of the regular morning meetings. I stared at her blankly as I wondered in my mind: ‘Why the fuck is this important exactly? It’s…. ink.  Ink!!! Who gives a shit about ink?! There are people dying in the world…’ This was just one example of how I could not take the stateside military world seriously anymore.

      My fellow enlisted coworkers tried to lecture me the way they had before I deployed. “Your pockets are unbuttoned Escalante…” they said. (Military regulations require us to keep them buttoned at all times when not in use) “I know”, I retorted back. They stared at me shockingly: “So… you’re just not going to button them?” They asked.  Me: “Nope”. (In a combat zone, we did not care about such insignificant things.) I also made the executive decision to remove every single one of my coworkers off of my Facebook. They did not take lightly to this new form of boundaries/ isolation. They confronted me about this, including my supervisor. My reply: “It is not in my job description to be your Facebook friend.” I went back to work. I stopped hanging out with them, I stopped messaging them between shifts. I may have been a bitch in their eyes. I did not care. They mocked me while I was deployed. They acted like they were busier, and I was ‘lucky’. They pressured/ harassed me to travel all the way from my FOB to Bagram to do CPR in a warzone, so they could ‘meet numbers’ back home. (If I had gotten killed on that unnecessary 45-minute Helo ride…, would it have been worth it? Those numbers?) They also pressured me to reenlist, and when I chose not to, disowned me for my decision to pursue honorable separation. (Haters!!!!)

     Besides my anger, which I mostly kept under wraps, I had bigger issues. I did start to notice acute trauma symptoms, as well as heightened depression and an influx of new eating disordered patterns. However, I worked in the mental health field. I already knew what these mental diagnosis could potentially cost me: my entire career. So, I had to be an actor, and it was a lot trickier than it would be for the average military member. Why? I was surrounded by mental health professionals, every single day. When I say I deserve an Oscar for my performance, I truly mean it. In that last year and a half on my military contract, I had many social workers and psychologists complimenting me on my ‘ability to bounce back’ after a deployment to a combat zone. One social worker even mentioned that I was the only military member he had ever seen that “did not change one bit”.

      I did have one thing to look forward to: NCO (Noncommissioned officer) of the year! I had made/ pinned on SSgt (E-5) while deployed. And, surely while I was away, my flight chief had put me up for NCO of the year. (Or so I assumed) I did deploy, after all, and I took her place on this deployment. (The formal orders to Afghanistan were actually for her, but she got out of it) I had the utmost confidence that she had put in an award package for me. Imagine my surprise at the award ceremony, when I saw her name get announced for NCO of the year, and saw her go up and take the award as if she had deserved it. (The look of surprise on my face had to have mimicked that scene in Horrible Bosses! Ha!) Then, imagine my shock, six months later, when I found out she had also put herself up for Mental health NCO of the year, and somehow ‘earned’ that too. This lady was a professional at writing bullshit award packages for herself, while everyone else did real work. I was boiling inside but had to keep my mouth shut… for … forever.  

      There was no formal recognition for me at all. My Afghanistan campaign medal was never formally given to me in any type of ceremony. It was thrown on top of a filing cabinet while a busy officer talked over her shoulder and told me to grab it and go. (While I was traveling through Bagram on my way back home) My Air Force commendation medal was never formally given to me, it was mailed to me after my final out. When I was done with the military, I was done. I had bent over backwards for both my chain of command, as well as my patients. And all I received was one ridiculous informal patient complaint at the end of my six-year career, on my way out the door. My chain of command ‘milked me to the bone’ up until my separation date. I barely had time to do my formal separation! I barely had time to pack my belongings in preparation to drive to Dallas and fly TF out of Texas. This was my personal homecoming story. For the next blog, I’ll discuss my FINAL OUT, and my personal transition story from the military to civilian life.

In War

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 2-17-2022

“Everyone dies here in some way. Some get killed by the enemy, others kill themselves, and others die in the sense that when they go back home, they will never be the same again. That person they used to be, has died.  Everyone here is reborn. Some through a grave and tomb, some with a Memorial in their honor, some are reborn into a new person. They may hate their new self or they may love it. But either way, that rebirth will stay with them until the day they die again.” -EaE

       Sunday was my one day to sleep in. But not on this particular Sunday, in December of 2012. I was woken up by a loud and shaky BOOM!  I was slightly startled, but I laid completely still. I already knew it was an attack. I always knew the difference btween training explosions and explosions from enemy combatants… call it instincts, I do not know why. Since I worked in the combat stress clinic as a mental health technician, I was considered a “Non-Combatant”, and was given specific instructions to stay I n a hardened facility when under attack. I happened to live in the same dorm hall as my social worker counterpart. The other female mental health tech did not want to be alone, so she ran to our hall to hang out with us. Curiosity got the best of them, they kept the door open to watch how this battle would play out. Curiosity also got the better of me, as I decided to join them.

     A second VBIED (vehicle Borne Improvised explosive device) hit the barrier of our FOB (forward operating base) and sent a strong gust of wind into the hall along with a loud bang. After which, I looked outside. The scene: Several Apache Helicopters floating above from about ½ a mile away shooting down at the enemy. There was too much obstructing the view, which was a blessing in disguise because, why see killing if you do not have to? Then a few minutes later an F-16 jet also hovering above, shooting more at the targets. (Once upon a time I watched these jets at Air shows with my family, they were my favorite) I distinctly remember thinking in that moment: (This is like what I’ve seen in movies, but, this is my life right now. Right in front of my very eyes.) I felt nothing at the time, I just saw it, and I had thoughts. No emotions yet.

      I then noticed my colleagues solemnly looking toward the left of our building. “He’s dead”, the social worker mumbled to the other technician. I leaned forward and peaked my head out of our hall, to see what they were seeing. The scene: An Afghan civilian dead, laying on a litter, with tarp covering the majority of his body. Another Afghan civilian standing right over him, sobbing. And right behind the sobbing Afghan civilian, a U.S. soldier with his hand on his back in comfort. I saw this, the mental image became ingrained, but no thoughts yet, and no emotions. The fire fight lasted for about 90 minutes until all enemy combatants were killed, and then, damage control.

       This was not our only attack while I was deployed. But typically they came in what I called “onesies” and “twosies” of mortar rounds that would randomly shoot toward the direction of our base, sometimes not breaching the barrier, but sometimes landing right in the middle. My social work colleague once joked: “Just when I forget I’m in a war zone, they send us these little explosive presents just to remind me of exactly where we are at!” I remember the first big attack that included 9 mortars. Where I went from working out in the gym to being crushed in between two large cinder blocks by many people as the explosions seemed to get closer and closer.

      What do we really learn in war? It all depends on who you ask? We all have different experiences. For me personally, I learned that I have more physiological anxiety symptoms when I engage in public speaking vs when bombs are crashing near me, even when they’re meant to kill me. With this danger, somehow I numbed out and became shockingly logical. I learned that when I’m near death, sometimes I get a case of the “fuck it’s and engage in some pretty careless behaviors. I learned that Helicopter rides in the midst of war are terrifying, and yet oddly exhilarating all at the same time. I learned that I did appreciate living in my country after all, because I witnessed a country with citizens suffering from extreme poverty and constant war violence on the regular. I learned that even when a bomb hits from a quarter mile away, I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, I can feel the shaking of my organs. I learned all about the feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, suicidality and homicidality that my clients suffered through. I learned and heard all about the gory details of suicide bombings, fire fights, convoy dangers, ambushes and more. We saved people, we also lost people. I learned what it felt like to lose a client to suicide just hours after I last spoke to him. And, to see his coffin/ flag get carried onto a C-17 while something inside of me broke. (A deep moral injury in the making)

       I learned that, unfortunately, as close as you would love to remain to those that you had deployed with, in most cases, they will disconnect from you. As you are a reminder of a trauma that they do not dare revisit. I learned that whatever personal shit your deployed coworkers are going through, they are very likely to project it onto the easiest target: Me at the time. I cannot truly say that I had support in war or going home. (Except for a very rare few gems in my life) I learned that most people forget about you. They may forget you are there, they may not care to send anything, they may find it an all-around taboo topic. They might even be more terrified of hearing about the stories than you are of seeing it in the flesh! I learned that many of my coworkers stateside were growing resentful and jealous of what they considered a possible ‘vacation’ from the ever demanding work back home. I learned that I really trusted no one completely, I learned that I had a lot of anger after all.

     I’ve never opened up about my warzone in the majority of my writings. But this is a 3 part series I am planning on doing with my blog, at last. The next two will be called: Homecoming (About what happened right after I came back home from Afghanistan, but had time left on my military contract), and then Final out (After I was released from Active Duty and transitioned to the civilian sector). Stay tuned.