Detox

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-04-2023

“What I’m trying to teach myself now is to learn how to go with the waves of life. Life can’t always be forced. We can’t always be at our best. Some weeks we will thrive, we will be on fire, and we will accomplish everything we want to and more. While some weeks, we will be drowning. And all we can do is muster all our strength to come to the surface to breathe and survive. Can I be okay with that? Can you? Can we elarn when to fight? And, can we learn when to let go and surrender?” -EaE

When we rid our minds and bodies of a poison or a drug; it’s called Detoxing. But, drugs aren’t the only poison people detox from. Sometimes we must detox from a toxic life. Toxic people, self destructive habits, wreck-less behaviors, terrible jobs, and awful lifestyles. How many different ways can we chase highs? Some people live their lives chasing these poisons. They don’t know peace, and even worse, they don’t trust it. Because to detox also means to grieve. It means to give up an identity of chasing. It means to stay away from the things that get you high, which brings up new feelings. Lonliness, boredom, confusion, and anxiety. What is next? There is nothing next, you are supposed to be learning to live your life differently. More calm, more peace. Yet, it feels so… off. As you detox, you will have to come face to face with the loss of a life you were chasing. You thought maybe you could have it all. You thought that toxic relationship could work out if you fought hard enough. You thought that you would remain friends with that person forever. You thought you would attain that career goal, no matter how much it was killing you. You thought that those self destructive habits were worth it, because at least they calmed you ‘in the moment’. However, the glass has shattered, and you know now that you cannot go on living this way forever.

My life detox started after my last break up. Late January of 2021. It was definitely not a smooth process, and it still isn’t. As positive as the general public makes it sound, there is nothing easy about detoxing your life, your mind and your body. My process and many other peoples include: less to NO drugs, a healthier job, a more balanced lifestyle, removal of toxic BF’s and friends. More thinking before I acted. More reflection on how I acted. More acceptance of who I was as is, not ‘who I am going to be once I attain X,y,z’. More acceptance that I will not be ‘everything I had once set my mind to’. More acceptance of who I lost and why I lost them, as well as the part I played… hence more accountability too. More boredom, more lonliness, more crying and thinking through why I was actually crying. It’s funny, because I have been the ‘less productive’ I have ever been in the past few years, and yet, it’s also my most substantial personality evolution. Somehow, less really can become more. I am no longer on autopilot. I am no longer waiting for ‘what’s next?’. When I want to get back into my old habits and act compulsively, I force myself not to do it and sit in whatever emotion I have. This takes so much discipline. As we detox, we crave.

What do you need to get rid of?

Society does a whole lot of ‘what’s next?’ ‘What’s more?’ “What’s the goals?’ ‘What’s the new project?’ Do we ever ask each other ‘What do you need to get rid of?’ And how will you do it? I would say in America, not so much. This concept does not agree with our produce and consume society. To detox means to be more minimalist in your lifestyle and in your mind.

Ask yourself now: “What do I need to get rid of?” Is it a _____________________________________?

Toxic work environment?

Toxic friendship or relationship?

Self destructive habit?

Busy lifestyle that you hate?

Pattern of stressful thoughts?

It takes a lot of inner reflection and courage to detox. Most people are on autopilot, meaning they aren’t thinking about the life they live and whether or not they even have the capacity to change it. What comes up is a lot of “I don’t have a choice”. In turn this creates a dynamic of victimhood. We become victims in a world that forces us into things we do not want, and we must exhaustingly keep up with the pressure.

If I’m being honest, everything was so hard to detox. But the hardest? It was/ and still is my pattern of stressful thoughts. I can learn to live without people. I can leave a job easy. I can modify my habits sometimes. But my thoughts? My brain haunts me. It’s my biggest enemy. It’s the one thing I cannot escape from no matter how far I run and hide. And i have done this with everything else in my life. I have run and hidden from ex Bf’s, ex friends, ex jobs, areas I’ve lived in that I grew to hate. I’ve managed to quit ‘most drugs’ and keep them out of site. But, I can’t run from my mind. And sometimes, I think it hates me, the world, and everyone/ everything in it. So, don’t be surprised if in your journey you default back to an old version of yourself that you try to get rid of. It’s probable that you will.

Progress is never linear; especially in the mental health world

A common question that comes up when people are enduring their mental health journey; “When is it going to get better?” “Why am I still feeling this way?” This comes with the assumption that we ‘get treated and then get cured’. I do not believe we do. And in terms of detox, this can get all the more confusing. “I quit this destructive thing, why arent I happy yet?” “I’m doing all the right things… so why do I still feel like crap some days?” The simple answer is that you are still a human, even if your habits are better. And, progress is not linear anyways. Progress is not what we are taught. Sometimes progress is deceiving. Progress can be weight gain vs weight loss. Progress can be one less drink or drug a week vs full on sobriety. Progress can look like crying in your room vs having fun with that person you think you want; that will end up abusing you later. Progress can be ‘no friends’ vs a bunch of bad ones that make your life harder. Yes, it’s very confusing sometimes. So, as you detox, give yourself some grace.

Optimistic take

I believe, that if I detox enough, that perhaps I can get back to a template of who I ‘truly was meant to be’. Before all of the trauma and grief damage took it’s toll on my brain. We can’t go back, but we can heal, as they say. But healing cannot take place in abuse/ trauma or even a place of chronic stress. Healing requires peace, peace requires detox from harm. Lowering harm may require an extensive change in habit. And to change habit means to view ourselves in a different light. It requires identity shifts. I’m proud so far that I have not given up, and you should be too. There are healthier ways of living that can still get us ‘high’, we just have to search harder to find them. We have to get out of ‘instant gratification land’ and be more present to notice.

You CAN’T do everything you set your Mind to

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11-21-2023

Once upon a time, I wanted it all. I was taught I could have it all. We believe that we will grow up and somehow ‘be highly functional’ in every aspect of life. We are taught we can have a great career, descent money, intelligence, social skills, great friends, great family, a happy marriage, happy kid’s etc etc. We also believe we can keep all of this up while somehow finding time for every single hobby we love. And hey, if you want to have a full time career, and a great marriage, and take care of kid’s, why not add a side hustle while you are at it? After all, you are ‘unstoppable’, and… you can do ‘Anything you set your mind to!’ Right? This is the optimism that society likes to feed it’s young. It’s also the hope that we want the aging person to retain, so that they do not find themselves in a deep rut/ stuck point. People tend to fear both; taking risks, and stagnancy. One puts us at risk of ‘failure’ and embarrassment. The other one put’s us at risk of ‘laziness’ and getting complacent. What’s the issue with these overly ambititious and toxic positivity thought patterns? For starters, they are not rooted in reality.

There are many factor’s that get ignored as we build anticipation regarding our future goals. Let’s start there. We ignore things like:

a. Wants b. Needs c. Limitations d. Time & Timing e. Support system or lack there of f. Economics g. Social skills h. Acute Crisis i. Mood swings j. Growth/ changes

This means, we have intentions, we set a plan, we try to see it through. Sometimes it fails. Now what? Perpetual shame thoughts? Stuck points? Change courses? But then again, sometimes, it goes exactly as planned. Sometimes we get everything we ‘want’. But then, we could want more. We chase dopamine. So, Now what? Or, we can get everything we want, and eventually decide over time that we actually hate it. Now what??! Why do I hate this? I was supposed to love it? Why do I have the ‘perfect’ life but feel so empty? What else do I need? Chase dopamine. Chase goals. Chase the ‘vision’ of a perfect life. Sometimes, it never ends. Humans can get stuck in perpetual cycles of unrealistic expectations, an abundance of goals, over working, burnout, shame, and increased depression/ anxiety. Then, they are a ‘failure’. Why? Because they did not live up to ‘doing everything they set their mind to’. And, even if they did, they aren’t doing everything at the level they ‘feel they should be’.

Over the years I have started to eliminate some of my past wants. I have also changed views on what I believe I actually need. This comes with growth and learning yourself. This comes with the courage to say no to the things that are not right for you. It’s even harder when your wants/ needs do not mirror the societal norm. A good example of this is the fact that I do not want kid’s, and I am still uncertain about whether or not I want marriage. This mentality, as a 34 year old woman, means I am already a social outcast. Through the years I have been fed messages of; ‘it’s time to get married’, ‘you’re never really ready for kid’s, just do it’. I am told it will ‘all be okay you can make it work’. But, it’s actually quite simple. I don’t want to ‘make it work’ or ‘force it to work’. I don’t want to push myself into a role where I know deep to my core; it’s not right for me.

Another hard thing I’ve had to learn about myself through the years after multiple failed/ tragic relationships; I am a female provider, I’m not a nurterer. I want to work and pay bills, it makes sense to me and it’s very easy for me. I don’t want to nurture and take care of people, or a household. That sounds like a nightmare, and quite frankly, I’ve tried. I’m awful at it. It gives me no sense of fulfillment. And, this is how people really work. We have our attributes and things that we gravitate toward, and we also have our deficits/ limitations. Instead of the message; ‘You can do anything you set your mind to’, imagine how different things would be if we started giving each other more practical messages growing up?

Messages such as:

  • What are your interests? And how can you use it to feel fulfilled? Also, how can you monetize it if you need to use it to make a living?
  • You feel no nurturing instinct and you find yourself feeling repulsed around kid’s or the idea of having them? Hold off. Maybe it’s just not for you, and that’s okay.
  • You aren’t sure about marriage? It’s not necessary. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.
  • You are a woman and you like to work and pay bills? Cool. You are a woman and you aspire to be a wife and have kid’s? Cool, let’s talk about what you want in a spouse, and also what you can bring to the table in a relationship.
  • You are a man and you want to be nurturing and stay at home and raise your kid’s? Awesome! That will be an incredible way to build a bond with your child. If you have a spouse that is comfortable with this plan, that’s all that matters.
  • You want a simple job? And maybe some pets? And to otherwise be left alone to your own hobbies/ life on your own free time?? Sounds good.
  • You need a break from making new goals/ objectives and you need to ‘maintain your life exactly as is for the next year or two?’ Cool! you deserve the mental rest.
  • You worked toward this goal for a while but recently decided that ‘It’s not for you’, and you want to stop? Okay, cool. People are allowed to change their minds.

You Will NOT be good at everything

Humans are not built/ meant to be great at everything they try to do. So technically, when society expects you to be a great provider, nurterer, friend, spouse, hobbyist, athlete, parent, organizer, and so on…. they set you up for failure. We are meant to pick roles and develop our abilities slowly over time. We are meant to experiment; drop what doesn’t suit us, and try to hold onto what we need/ love. You cannot do ‘everything’ you set your mind to in most cases. Why? Because you will not be good at some of what you try to accomplish, you may also lose the desire to get good at it. And… you will also simply run out of time. One thing I’ve noticed with many people as they age; they learn more about what they need/ want. In turn they can dispose of what doesn’t work for them. Life get’s easier as we learn that we cannot do every single thing we set our minds to. It also get’s easier when we no longer believe we have to.

Luxuries

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11-4-2023

How often do we think about our luxuries? Humans, dare I say, are more prone to obsessing over problems and what they lack, vs what they have. I suppose this innate drive helps in that we are constantly searching for ways to improve our situation. That can be helpful. But then again, some people have no compulsion to problem solve, they are simply conditioned to vent with no resolution in sight. I cannot remember what recently made me think about luxury, but I found myself wanting to process the luxuries I enjoy as well as the luxuries I notice that others enjoy that I am not privy to. And what is luxury? Even that definition is changing. These days I find myself saying “Everything is a luxury item”. Why? Because everything has been so damn expensive. Even our food and water and housing, which some would call a ‘right’ more than a luxury. Luxury is ‘the state of great comfort and extravagant living’ per the Oxford language definition. Luxury is truly a word that depends on perception though. The classic Boomer vs Millennial/ Gen Z debate continues. We whine that they had it ‘more affordable back in their day’, and they clap back at us with “Ya’ll buy too many luxury items these days that we never bought…. like Starbucks’. (I don’t buy Starbucks anymore btw)

I’ve heard tampons referred to as luxury items by men, that one was quite laughable. But then again, there are third world countries perhaps where a woman would kill to have a tampon. And in America, we might consider the lifestyle of only 6-hour workdays, free healthcare, free education and long lunch breaks as a major luxury we will never have. The grass is always greener, isn’t it? And don’t we often want something that we cannot have? Life gets mundane after a while, no matter how you choose to live it; and the temptation sets in. For more things… for better things… for a different lifestyle. I encourage everyone to think deeply about the luxuries they enjoy, not just the luxuries they want, that they have not yet been able to attain.

The Luxuries I do NOT have:

I do not have the luxury of Rich parents My Bio Mom was a bartender when she met my Dad who was serving in the USMC. As my Dad got older, he had multiple marriages and divorces, and a ton of money spent, tons of debt etc. I didn’t grow up with him when I was younger, but he was responsible and always paid his child support no matter what. Therefore, I did have financial stability, just not riches. NO college fund. I was pushed to go into the military due to how bad the economy was, so I enlisted and 12 days after boot camp, I was in the Air Force. When parents cannot pay for you to go to college, there are only a few options. You either have to be insanely smart to get scholarships, (I was above average, but not a genius) or take out loans and work your way through college (that did not sound fun), or join the military and sacrifice your life, and live to enjoy your earned benefits of college. That route sounded more exciting and sensible for me. People that have rich parents that can afford college, cars, and homes for them are lucky, assuming they are not being poorly treated or abused of course.

I did not have the luxury of a mother’s love My early childhood was made up of neglect and being left at random people’s home’s. My mother suffered from extreme drug addictions. I did have a grandmother’s love and later in life a Stepmother’s love. Just not a Bio Mom’s love. So that complicates things. By the time I was 5 going on 6, living with Grandma, my self-esteem was already destroyed. I already did not believe people when they told me “I was beautiful” or “I’m so smart”. I distinctly remember believing they were lying. And through life I always carried this belief of “I’m Unlovable” that has done damage to every adult relationship I have had. Having an unconditional mother’s love in babyhood and childhood can make or break someone’s self-esteem. And it is, in fact, a luxury. Some parents choose not to parent.

I do NOT have the luxury of a fast metabolism I’ve had to worry about my weight as young as the age of 13/14. I have always had slow metabolism, with a not so good diet as I grew up with Grandma’s Mexican cooking for some time. Cross country through High school allowed me to not get overweight. Then as a young adult, the military standards forced me to keep up with my fitness and not get overweight. But, even when I was working out every day and eating as healthy as possible, the medical teams would check my BMI and tell me I’m obese. When you’re only five feet, you must be under 124 pounds to be ‘healthy’. I’ve only ever been that weight once in my adult life! It was when they were starving me in Bootcamp. As silly as this sounds, it is a luxury to have a quicker metabolism in that you won’t experience ‘body shaming/ fat shaming’ which can lead to eating disorders in the long run. People are still superficial sometimes, and we form opinions on people the moment we meet them. Fatphobia and the overall stigma of having some thickness on the body still runs deep. I grew up having to work twice as hard as my leaner friends, for only half the results.

My Luxuries:

The Luxury of intelligence I did typically excel in school, to include college. I worked my ass off too, but I do not believe it was all hard work at this point. I noticed I did pick up a few subjects quite easily. Math especially, as I noticed most people found math hard, while I found that it felt easy. I also noticed my father had a math brain. He could read the lesson plan in ten minutes and then teach it to me. I also know without a doubt, I do not have the burden of ADHD. I can focus on things when I set my mind to it. School just always, made sense. You get assigned things, there’s a deadline, and you accomplish it by the deadline. Then, the military made sense. Structure always felt natural. I can’t fix anything, and my kinetic intelligence is trash, but anything involving paperwork/ admin/ social work/ the mind… that comes easy. The older I get, the luckier I feel to have my brain. It’s a halfway decent money maker and so far, I’ve been able to stay out of trouble and have a halfway decent life. If you are gifted with intelligence, you are luckier than you think; don’t ruin it and don’t take it for granted!

The luxury of Strict parents I absolutely hated this luxury as a kid/ teen, but then I grew up to see the value in it. Strict parents are parents that put in effort, and care. Even if they have a crazy way of showing it. I realize that if I had been able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, maybe I would not have made the best decisions for me. My strict parents (Dad and Stepmom from ages 11-18) helped me understand that life is ‘not about just doing what you want and being happy’. I feel like I learned a lot of hard lesson’s young. I was not shocked as an adult; I was already conditioned to ‘not get what I want’. I was taught that you will work your ass off sometimes and get very little reward. I was taught that I did not deserve things just because I wanted them. It almost felt as if I was already conditioned for the military. I never did get in formal trouble during my military career because I already knew what being in a strict environment felt like and I was able to follow orders with ease. In fact, getting out and having absolute freedom was what was hard to get conditioned to.

The luxury of Job security…. so far I hope this continues for as long as possible. I’m 34 and have not been fired yet. I signed a six-year contract with the Air force and served it fully before honorably separating. I went to college using my GI Bill which covered the bills and I finished college right on time. I had my first civilian career working for the Brooklyn VA for 3.5 years, and then I decided to resign and kept my reputation intact. I then worked a 6-month research contract job; I finished my projects fully and the contract ended. And now, I’ve been a behavioral health consultant for a military base primary care clinic for almost two years. I’ve always had a job, because Social work is one of the fastest growing professions in the U.S. due to it being in extremely high demand. I feel like Americans are quite vulnerable these days, so to have this type of job security I have had in my adult life does feel like a luxury. (Knock on wood)

The luxury of good physical health I have been fortunate with my physical health! (my mental health is a mess but that’s a whole other story) as far as physical, I have no diseases that I’m aware of. I have never broken a bone. I only have one chronic muscle injury that’s still quite mild. I don’t have any physiological functional impairments that mess with my ability to work (just mental). Chronic depression does make it to where I’m at only 50-70 percent energy most days… but overall I do feel I have the luxury of descent physical health. I know many people that don’t have that luxury! And it’s quite sad 😔

Poetic

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-22-2023

Sharing more of my Favorite Poems and discussing what inspired them!

By now most of my poetic work has been published in my 2nd book “In My Head, Mental health poems and quotes”, the link to the book will be shared at the bottom of this blog post.

This Poem was definitely about PTSD symptoms. About how our intrusive memories will keep coming back to us, disrupting our sleep and disrupting our daily lives. There’s also a heavy aspect of ‘victim blaming’ that comes along with suffering from such a chronic condition, which I also portray in the second part of the poem. And, if PTSD sufferers happen to get retraumatized, many people would assume we are doing it to ourselves on purpose. PTSD is a lifelong condition that does not go away. We can learn to manage it better, but the side effects will absolutely change our brain and our personality. It’s often known as a condition that prevents ‘normalcy’ in the public eye, which furthermore causes the sufferer to isolate.

I started writing this in my head while I was literally on a roller coaster in Las Vegas at the NY, NY hotel. I was in a stage of my life where I felt like I was evolving. As I road the roller coaster I reminded myself that there was nothing to be afraid of, I already committed to this. And, I knew what already was ahead of me; a scary tall drop. What is the sense in closing my eyes out of fear if I already know what is going to happen anyways? I decided that this was how I wanted to approach my life; with less fear. Also the poem implies had I not gone on the roller coaster, I would regret it. Just like in life, if we avoid something out of fear, we often regret it later.
I wrote this poem about War and school shootings mostly. When catastrophe happens I tend to block it out in the moment. Why? Because I have a pure hatred toward most humans in the immediate aftermath; the blame game. We don’t find solutions, we fight. We don’t work on prevention, we sweep it under the rug and pretend it won’t happen again. We don’t fix things, we just pretend we will with empty words. And then, the cycle repeats itself, over and over and over again. I’m essentially pointing out that all we do is run in circles.
This was my best poem regarding how it feels to be subjected to a romantic relationship with a Narcissist. Where at times it feels like you are in the greatest high you have ever experienced, but how shortly after you could be brought down so low that you are living in terror and utter confusion. Confusion especially due to being gaslighted into believing ‘everything is your fault’; a narcissist is allergic to accountability. Narcissists work in very crafty ways to keep their victims hanging on with hope, while simultaneously destroying their self esteem. The end result is that the victim will be used, abused and thrown away. Inevitably, we will have rage because we tried our best and suffered through so MUCH, only to ‘come up short.’
Through aging and more mental illness, things just tend to get harder. Ongoing trauma and daily symptoms cause most humans wear and tear. It get’s to a point where we understand the warnings of our elders before us; youth is special and we do not know how to treasure it until it’s already gone. We end up missing our innocence because it was a life where we were free of pain. As we age we try to cling to hope, and other’s try to help us restore hope, but sometimes we are a ‘lost cause’ because we have just suffered too many mental injuries. The innocent mind is gone for good.
This poem represents the most unhealthy levels of Codependency that people can experience. Taking in a person that’s so toxic and becoming more and more sick because you insist on staying in something toxic. There are people that are so ill that they abuse others, and there are also people that are so ill that they cannot help but ‘welcome abuse’ into their lives unconsciously or subconsciously. It’s the reality of how we could need someone so much that it makes us sick, and getting rid of them will somehow feel like ‘a loss’, even if it’s really good for us. A traumatized toxic brain grew up with love and pain being ‘one in the same’ thing.
This one I believe is self explanatory. It’s describing the culture of ‘toxic positivity’ that surrounds people that are hurting, mentally ill. The message is that we know how to ‘pretend to be positive’, but it does not mean it’s how we will ever feel inside. Sometimes raw honesty is better, even if ‘negative’, because at least it’s truthful. And a message of, if you don’t want to be around me during my times of pain, instead of the fake positive messages, you could just leave and go live off in rainbow land by yourself. Don’t try to put a Band aid on a Stab wound.
I wrote this poem all the way back in High School and it’s one of the few that I did not feel a need to edit. It’s the message of ‘no matter how much humans may lose’, many of them keep hanging on until the end. Why? My High school brain decided that maybe it was simply ‘desire’. My desire keep’s me going, even on the boring or miserably hard days. I recognize that I write a lot of depressing stuff, so I wanted to end this blog with a poem that leaves off on a ‘positive note’ anyways.

For more poems and quotes, Order my second book! Link below: (Also follow my write page instagram: @Elisaquotes

Always Grieving

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-10-2023

“I hate that I grieve before I lose something or someone. It’s not enough that I still feel my past grievances, my brain also grieves the future. Like it knows all too well that I’m going to hurt again.” -EaE

I had once broken down and cried to a Chaplain during a military training exercize. Why? Well, I wasn’t particularly religious… but there was no one else to talk to. I remember him talking to me about all the different types of grief. And, that we do not just grieve death, we grieve so many things in life too. We grieve old friends and exes, we grieve a life we thought we would have forever, that instead got torn to shreds. We grieve moving away from everything we have known, we grieve when we lose our sense of purpose and identity. I’m also learning over time, that we can grieve things before they are gone. Like a mixture of anxiety and grief. It’s the knowledge of knowing you ‘WILL INEVITABLY’ lose the good thing that is right in front of you. Or, they will lose you. This isn’t ‘just’ my trauma speaking, it’s fact. Either one person dumps another, or one person dies before the other one. Remembering this cold reality can truly rob someone of the present joy. I don’t want my brain to be wired this way, but I believe due to the fact that I’ve already had grief, trauma and talked to so many people with traumatic grief; there’s no other way I can think. It’s almost like, ‘the death of hope and imagination’ as we age.

But this blog will not be about the grief of losing someone. It will be more so about the other types of grief, the grief we experience in our lifetime even when no one is gone yet. It’s a part of life. There is no one that is not susceptible to the pain of loss through a lifetime. We are actually, all, technically grieving together over time.

We grieve post success (Post success depression) Have you ever worked hard toward a goal for years and years? Did you imagine your life after you succeeded? Did you picture success with all the ‘happiness in the world’? Did you complete your goal only to find that you were ecstatic for just a little while? But then, unhappy shortly after? Did you then wonder why you weren’t as happy as you thought you would be after your accomplishment? That was likely your young brain believing that there was some sort of concrete way to attain permanent happiness. Eventually we learn that happiness is fleeting, and every route we take has suffering; even post accomplishment. But yes, ‘Post success depression’ is very real. I felt depressed after I finished HS, after I finished my military deployment & military contract. After I finished my college degree’s etc. A part of what we are grieving is the excitement of ‘the chase’. Chasing goals can be more fun than ‘maintenance’ goals. Why? More dopamine! In the chase there is imagination, hopes and dreams. Within success is reality. Reality isn’t always as fun as hopes and dreams. (You still deserve to celebrate your success regardless. You worked your ass off!)

We grieve the days or weeks as they pass by Some patients have talked to me about evening ‘blues’. Meaning they are sad that the day is almost over. I’ve also experienced the oh so common ‘Sunday Blues’, as I am a Monday through Friday worker. We grieve as our days or weeks or years end. I believe maybe New years resolution goals & celebration of the new year could also be a ‘grieving ritual’ turned positive. Time passes, it just keeps ticking and ticking and ticking. Sometimes I have even found myself pausing in time, feeling terrified as I know i’m not actually ‘pausing’ anything. We have no control over this. It feels faster as I get older. (How about you??)

We grieve going our seperate ways Break ups generally SUCK. Even when they are for the best. No matter how good the break up is there will be some grief along with it. Breaking up with intimate partners, close friends, coworkers, family members and/ or aquintances. We grieve. Sometimes the ‘going seperate ways’ is simply in proximity. And then we can continue a relationship via telecommunication. You will still miss having that person closer to you for in person interactions. But then, some breaks are permanent. Sometimes it has to be no contact because the relationship became toxic. It’s normal to ‘miss parts of someone’ even when they were terrible for you. After all, something kept you in that relationship/ friendship for a while. With this type of grief, both regret and rage could also be quite prevalent depending on how toxic the relationship became. Just remember, if the change ‘feels right’, it was probably right for you.

We grieve trade schools/ college’s/ jobs & area codes A former psychologist I worked for told us all: “If I could get paid to be a professional student, I would”. I didn’t truly understand this until my college experience was done; I found myself in a miserable ‘first career post college.’ Oh, how I missed those class rooms, and only ‘the pressure of doing assignments’ and nothing else. All I had to do was learn. I didn’t have to ‘save lives’. I missed certain aspects of the military too… but not many! Mostly the camraderie. The ability to get on my phone and ask for help, and know that a handful of friends would drop what they are doing to come help; that’s how we were trained to be. And, that’s something we don’t get in the civilian sector…. especially in modern times. I grieve my favorite restaurants in places I used to live. I grieve certain lifestyles depending on the area code. The city is awful but it was quite cool to have an unlimited amount of activities. Of course, you will miss people that you met in almost every environment. People that you wish you could just kidnap and take with you to your gaining location!

We can even Grieve things that never happened…. (because we wish they would have) I found this to be quite prevalent when I was younger; grieving things I wished could happen, but never did. I grieved a Bio Mom I never had. Mother’s Day hit’s and all it does is remind me of this. The statements/ quotes of: “There is no love like a Mother’s love” only reminds me of the question of: “Is there something wrong with me to have never received my Bio Mom’s love?” I grieve a full childhood with my Bio Dad that I never had; he was present for roughly half of my childhood. The military took him away. Social norms & the nuclear family could lead to this type of grief. Society feeds us a template of what life is ‘supposed to look like’, and if we don’t have it, we may grieve. You may grieve a childhood you wished for, that never happened. This can carry on into adulthood too. Ruminating about the losses. Raging about the fact that the voids left are now your burden to carry. Now you must heal after a heartbreaking childhood of things that happened to you or didn’t happen to you. But, NOT because of you.

We grieve our younger identities/ personalities/ attributes With aging, comes limitations. Slowly but surely, you might become more tired. It get’s just a tad bit harder to stand up and sit down. It may take longer to recover from illness, and more ‘random’ illnesses may pop up out of no where. Your workouts get shorter because you tire faster, your body becomes less ‘fit’. You need longer recovery periods between strain. You also notice your motivation levels lower. You notice maybe even less tolerance to pain. You begin to believe, that maybe, you are losing ‘your grit’. The reality? You are aging. You are also (hopefully) growing wiser. There is so much transformation that happens with aging, I cannot possibly cover it all. I’m also not that old just yet; 34 years young. I know that I have grieved my teen body, and I grieved my ‘twenties’ body. I also grieved certain aspects of my younger personality. There were pros and cons. I was more tolerant back then, but also too much of a pushover. I was more quiet back then, but I was not ‘being true to myself’. I had a loooot more mental and physical energy back then for any & everything that came my way. But, I did not know how to prioritize, and how to say NO when I needed to. If you miss ‘a younger version of you’, understand that there are likely pros & cons to that younger version. Perhaps, that version of you doesn’t exist anymore for a reason. Humans must adapt to their environments, situations and age.

Hard Pills to Swallow

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW

“Even when I feel right, I could be wrong.”

Remember all the times in your life where you fought the truth? The cold hard truth that was hitting you right in the face? The truth that people told you right to your face too… but you didn’t want to hear them or believe them? Did you even find yourself truth rejecting or straight up lying and pretending everything ‘was fine’ even when it wasn’t? Just so people would leave you the heck alone to your own self destruction & demise? I was trained to suffer in silence. My mother was negligent and my father was a Marine, enough said. I learned that when you are in pain, you deal with it alone. I believe this is why I suffered in silence for so many years. I still to this day, have the habit of pushing everyone away when I’m depressed, and going into my shell. Denial and deflection were my best friends, because when life got hard, I just didn’t want to deal with it. I wanted to work instead and go about my life as if ‘everything was fine’. I wanted to dive head first into busy projects and forget my problems existed. That’s why, when people pointed out my issue’s, I had a bad habit of shutting them down. When people were blunt and honest, and giving me this ‘hard pills to swallow’, I wasn’t swallowing them. I was rejecting those pills. I threw out my much needed prescription! In this blog, I want to discuss the ‘hard pills’ that people gave me over the years that I once rejected. Lesson’s that I needed to hear at the time but I wasn’t ready to hear them. Sometimes, people are spot on about you, but you aren’t ready to hear it.

You shouldn’t be following some guy to NYC, go back home to CA and live with your family after you get out of the military. By the time I was getting out of the military, I had been dating the same guy for six years. So, this wasn’t just some guy, this was THE guy… or so I thought. The reality is I just didn’t know how to break it off and neither did he. We got too comfortable and even bored. But, the idea of going to NYC to be with him wasn’t just about him. It was appealing because it sounded exciting. I am from very small towns and I wanted the adrenaline/ adventures. But looking back, people were not wrong to warn me. I had no true ties to NYC, I had never lived there growing up. My only connection was a guy I dated with no prospects for marriage. I landed in NYC and immediately realized I had no love for him anymore. But, I was there and set to go to NYU, so no turning back! I spent 7 long years (We broke up only 3 years into me living there) in a city that I now hate before I moved back to CA. In that seven years there was a tremendous amount of relationship and social drama; I burnt bridges just as quick as I made connections sometimes. Think twice before moving to a place where you have no family or roots. Be smart and be careful.

Q- Have you ever stopped to think about why everyone in your life is toxic? Why do you hang around so many people with so many problems? What is it about them that makes you want to stick around? I was asked this by a social worker colleague when I was deployed to Afghanistan. She noticed a pattern of me venting about toxic people in my life that I could not ‘rid myself of’ at the time. She was trying to bring it to my attention that ‘I had something to do with the toxic people in my life’. As in, I had no boundaries and maybe, perhaps, I liked helping & ‘fixing’ people. This invites toxic people to stay. I am ashamed at how long it took me to learn this lesson. It’s like I was in a never ending revolving door of over extending myself to people that wouldn’t even meet me ‘A quarter of the way’. And at the time, I couldn’t even see how unfair it truly was. I didn’t even question because I didn’t know any better, I grew up seeing many lopsided/ toxic relationships. The social worker at the time could hear the resentment in my voice all those years ago, she planted a seed in my mind that I am forever grateful for.

Don’t live with a guy and your in laws. It rarely works out. This is regarding that guy I moved to NYC for, the first apartment was in his God family’s basement. It seemed like an amazing idea at the time because they did not expect us to pay rent. However, I learned that ‘you cannot put a price on freedom’. I couldn’t adjust to living with a family after I had spent 6 years in the military living primarily by self in a dorm and/ or apartments. (Yes I had a BF the whole time but he moved away when I had four years left on my contract therefore we were primarily a distance relationship) I could not go back to people telling me how to ‘live my life’ and bickering about every single thing. Micro management etc. They were verbally abusive as well and for me this is extremely triggering because I grew up hearing a lot of arguing. I was in NYC a whole 2 months before I found my own place to rent with a room mate. I’m proud that I made this choice, it was scary the idea of dissapointing his family, but I chose myself & my own peace of mind.

This VA internship program is very hard. Most people fall a part. We’re concerned that because of your background you might ‘over identify’ with the Veterans too much.” (What I was told when I was being interviewed by the VA for an internship position that I really wanted during Grad school) They rejected me and I could not intern for the VA as a social work intern for Grad school. I was angry and even ranted on FB about it to which my Dad warned me not to do. But, how in the world could the VA turn down a Veteran that’s deployed to a combat zone? Well, eventually I graduated and worked for the VA. I’ll put it this way, these ladies were right and wrong. They were wrong to deprive the VA of an experienced Veteran social work intern that could really understand/ help them with real life experience, compassion and empathy. But, after 3.5 years of working for the VA I was so burnt out. I did develop PTSD when I worked for the VA. I did over identify with my clientelle. It did hit too close to home. Now, I work primarily with Military spouse’s and kid’s for the DoD. This is a much better fit.

Don’t get with someone that has multiple kid’s from multiple women. Are you sure you want to be with him? Don’t rush it! This should really have been a given! Yet, I was stupid and I very quickly went from one relationship into another. This guy knew I was unhappy and vulnerable, he could smell it from a mile away. Here’s a lesson, if you had a very long/ boring/ stale relationship, & after it’s all said and done you find someone that’s exiting and adventurous, don’t think that means ‘you must spend your life with them’. Excitement and adventure does NOT = Marriage material. I went as far as to get engaged in my second serious relationship. This guy ended up being verbally abusive, and sometimes even physically abusive. Yet, I did not give up. I was too tough. He eventually ended things and dated a girl we coached from our gym within weeks. Which tells me he likely cheated and left me for her. That’s what I get for everything I put up with. My friends and family warned me about him. I warn people about bad people too. But honestly this is the hardest type of thing to warn someone about. Lust and/ or love creates biochemical changes in our brain that make us…. ‘stupid’ sometimes. Many smart people get in awful relationships. All I can say is, TAKE YOUR TIME. Don’t rush a move in, don’t rush marriage, don’t rush kid’s. If they are your ‘forever person’, they will stay regardless. So why rush?

Drop that Friend, she’s toxic. She’s an ‘anchor’ As hard as it was to deal with romantic break ups, breaking up with a long term friend is even harder some say. In my case it was. My longest relationship with someone outside of family was an 18 year friendship. A friendship that started out so close and connected but turned into a lopsided situation where I was constantly ‘putting out fires’ for her so to speak. Every guy I ever dated warned me that I should probably end things with her. Most of my other close friends did too. Even some aquaintances that barely knew us felt the same way. Everything was pointing in that direction and yet it was so hard. The more time I invest in someone the harder it generally is. Which is why I had to learn to make boundaries early on. I gave her an endless amount of warnings and boundary requests before I went no contact. She just wasn’t hearing it. She was too set in the mindset/ lifestyle of “she get’s in trouble, and I fix it”. Money, resources, time, emotional labor, her drug supply and many other favors. Just one week into my new Full time job in SoCal by January of 2022, I realized I could not do both: A Full time job and full time ‘saving someone that refuses to save themselves’.

Conclusion

As you can probably tell, most of my hardest life lessons’ came from toxic relationships/ friendships. It’s amazing how I have always kept my career in tact while simultaneously having a mess of a love life. So another lesson in general is the lesson of putting all of your focus in one area of life and neglecting another important area. I was so hyper focused on my career/ professional development that I was not paying attention to the hot mess that was my relationships/ friendships. Balance is so important, and yet, so undderated. The more content/ at peace people are the ones with balance. They don’t devote too much time to any one thing: career, love, hobby, chores, friends. They know how to disperse and prioritize in a way that keeps their mind healthy. That’s what I’ve been actively working toward, especially in the past couple of years. My life has been so peaceful that sometimes it’s quite boring. But, I’m sitting in that boredom and appreciating it so much. I check myself before I try to chase adrenaline. Is this good for me? Do I want this? Always ask yourself that before making big life decisions.

Racism’s ‘in Session’

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-05-2023

I will start by saying that I didn’t quite understand that racism was still an issue until I was about the age of…. 14. Why? I was in an all African american (well 99%) school from Kindergarden to 5th grade in South Houston, and honestly, the kid’s treated me very well. My biggest bully, was in fact, the only other light skinned hispanic girl at my school. (Looking back it makes sense now) Fast forward to High school, (I had been living in SoCal Mojave desert since the 6th grade) I was mandated to be grouped up with two white kid’s; a boy & girl. As I sat there in a private group with them, our desks lumped together, I was then subjected to hearing one of the most racist conversations of my short little life (at the time). They both happened to be ‘white supremist’ kid’s and they went on and on about judgements they had regarding African american hair, and said some things about how “They are so different from us”. I went into a sort of mental shock/ freeze mode. I was appauled. I was scared of the boy but later on I had a conversation with the girl about this because I already knew of her. I expressed to her that what she said, was in fact, racist. She proceeded to tell me “Yeah, I know I am… but I can’t help it… it’s how my parents raised me”. I never talked to her again.

Of course, this keeps happening. We grow up and we live and learn. And we go though various schools, various job’s, various aquaintanceships and we hear the micro aggressions again and again. We have our moments where we stand up for the minority, and we have some moment’s where we may freeze due to shock. It’s shameful at times. I hate that it’s something that even has to be addressed. It’s even MORE awkward, when I hear my patient’s talk with racial undertones, micro aggressions, or even full blown stereotypes. And it’s just pitiful, when I hear mental health profressionals talk this way. Of all people, I do hold higher standards for other social workers. I cannot help it, I mean we have a code of ethics for crying out loud. So in today’s blog I am going to share some of the more prejudice, biased, racist and/ or stereotyping comments I have heard through the years: in sessions and in the mental health work section. (I’ll include sexism & homophobia as well)

“Ever since I moved here, I notice there’s black people everywhere…. (She moved from a Mid western state to South Queens, NY) So… many…. black people everywhere….” (She proceeded to cry and then have a panic attack)

“Since you are leaving and I need a new provider, can you make sure it’s another white lady? I don’t want a black lady like me to be giving me therapy….” Me: ‘Um… okay may I ask why..?’ Her: “I don’t want someone with anger problems like me to be bossing me around.”

“I mean I don’t see why people are so angry about the George Floyd situation. What do you expect when someone is a criminal and walking around with saggy pants or playing loud aggressive music? Naturally that’s going to disturb people… right?“

“I’ll never get with a black woman ever again.”

“I’ll never get with a Puerto Rican women ever again.”

“I’ll never trust a Black man ever again.”

“Me and my Veteran and cop buddies are going to make a Gun line and not let anyone through our area unless they belong there! We aren’t going to have them destroying our town!” (An elderly white Vet referring to BLM protestors/ he also happened to live in a primarily caucasian neighborhood in South Brooklyn) Me: “And how exactly are you going to Vet people??” Him: Silence. (That was the end of that convo and luckily he did not go through with that horrendous idea.)

“When I approached the reception desk I was already mad because I noticed that she was this little Islander or Indian woman, I don’t trust them.”

“I’m not okay with the military getting rid of ‘don’t ask don’t tell’. What am I supposed to tell my kid’s if a gay couple shows up to one of our family functions? It’s not in the bible!”

“All women are prostitutes. They either sell themselves for sex, or marry someone and have sex with them for other things like food or resources. So, they are prostitutes.”

“They are taking all of our jobs…” (referring to Mexican immigrants)

“They’re Dominican, and I’m Haitian. They are never going to like me. I record them almost everyday at work just in case they want to harrass me… I’ll have proof.”

“I F$#@ing hate Egyptian Men, they are all assholes. I’m never going to get with one of them.”

“Elisa, work with the Jewish population, that’s where the money is really at, plus they don’t have ‘real’ problems. It will be a ‘cush’ job.”

“What if the gay’s want to grab my junk when I’m in bootcamp?! We can’t have them in the military.”

“It’s ghetto around here. And I am the only light skinned person in my neighborhood. They all want to sell me drugs!” (A former crack addicted client)

“Seriously you went to China Town during the pandemic?? They gave us Corona virus, don’t go around them!”

“You can send your kid referrals my way. It’s important that they have a church/ spiritual influence in their counseling appointments. Because now a days, the LGBTQ agenda is trying to spread pedophilic teachings to our children.”

“The only reason it’s still an issue {racism} is because people keep talking about it.” (Or…. do maybe…. people keep talking about it because it’s still an actual problem…? Just food for thought.)

You Need to Act ‘Right’

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-20-2023

It’s no secret that people compulsively run away from discomfort, or push away discomfort. They want to run away from emotions, push away other people’s emotions. They may want other’s to act or behave in a way that does not ‘trigger’ their emotions. With this comes the very prevalent and bad societal habit of ‘policing’ people. We do this by teaching and pushing our moral and behavioral agenda. “You should do this”, “You shouldn’t do that”. With the online world, this has reached expanding heights/ audiences. Now we can even police people behind the comfort of a screen, or attempt to, rather. I just watched a funny online Reel for example, and laughed out loud. I realized while I was laughing that it seemed like a video that had the potential to be slightly offensive. So I decided to check the comments. Sure enough, there were swarms of people judging the video and preaching about how ‘it’s wrong’ to talk that way. Meanwhile, other people ran to this person’s defense and reminded people to lighten up and learn to laugh. So, for today’s blog, I have decided to write out ‘how we are supposed to act’. Or, how we ‘would act’ if society got to have a say in every decision we made. These will be my educated guesses, of course.

You Need to Act ‘right’ when:

You are being verbally abused or harrassed at work You must either shut the harrasser down yourself in a brave fashion and move on with your life, or report them through the ‘proper channels’. Regardless of the fear of stigma or fear that you ‘will not be believed’. Forget about the fact that there is a history of cases where the victim was not believed, forget how popular your perpetrator is, ‘no one will be bias’. (sarcasm) You might get retraumatized when retelling your story to investigators over and over and over again as they ask questions that clearly lead to a ‘victim blaming’ agenda for the case. You also might feel ostracized by the rest of the work section as most of them will not be mature enough to just stay out of it and focus on their own work; but deal with it. Don’t act like a victim even if you were a victim. Keep doing your job and the investigation will just ‘sort itself out’. Also, don’t be shocked if people can’t understand why you might have PTSD and that it will surely impact your daily work, work through the trauma. Or, you can just quit your job that you worked so hard for. Money is a non issue right?

You are dealing with the aftermath of a toxic break up with an Abuser Yeah, you were abused, but, that’s over now. Get over it. Also, you should have seen it coming. You should see why ‘you were the problem too’. Take the time to be single, but don’t be single forever. Through all your pain just remember one day you will find ‘The one’! Just remember that all of your friends and family called it, they knew that person was bad for you, they didnt say much to your face… but whatever. They knew. Just know that they knew, and you didn’t. You’re actually stupid. If you were abused remember a part of it is your fault, develop that belief through all your pain and rage. Dont’ talk smack to the abuser or about the abuser ever, ‘rise above’. Remember to let everyone talk crap to you about how foolish you were, but also remember no one will ‘call out your abuser’ about the PoS that they were. Everyone confronts the victim, no one confronts the abuser. That’s life, deal with it. Oh, but if in ten years the abuser ends up killing someone, then you are at fault for ‘not outing them more’.

You are Online Mostly post positive and happy things to cheer people up, but remember if you do that too much you are triggering many people’s insecurities and you will be ‘arrogant’ for it. So don’t post too much about your success. Also, don’t post a lot of negativity because that comes with another label. Don’t post too much about politics at all! Otherwise you are spreading an agenda. But, make sure you post a picture of you with the “I voted” sticker come election year or else you are a hypocrite for not voting. What else? If you post too much, everyone will assume you are unemployed so be careful about that. And Selfies? They love them, as long as there isn’t too much make up or a heavy filter. Body pics where you have a hot body? Heck no, especially if you’re a women, then you are screaming for the wrong attention. Always like your friends baby and kid pictures, always like the ‘just married’ announcements/ pics even if it’s a known toxic and abusive relationship that your friend has been DMing you about for years. Post your significant other but not too little or too much! Too little means you’re trying ‘to look single’. Too much means you are obsessive and cringe. If you’re a writer? You’re F&%$ed, sorry to say it, but how do you even expect to compete with TikTok videos of all those people with tremendous ‘talent’? That’s comical, give up while you are ahead.

You are parenting ONLY breastfeed unless you have some serious problem preventing it… then… I guess you can use formula. Public school means you are poor and didn’t work hard, private school means they will be a snob, and homeschooling means they wont’ have social skills. Your house better be clean, always. Just like those Momfluencers on the Gram… let’s forget about the fact that they might have hired help with a rich spouse, you’re just making excuses if you bring that up. Mom, your body better be back to your pre pregnancy weight within months or else everyone is going to wonder what you are doing with your life. You know… besides raising kid’s and all. If you’re posting your kid that’s okay, not too much though or you’re giving their identity away to predators. If you’re a stay at home parent, be grateful, it’s a luxary. If you are a working parent, you are probably selfish because your kid isn’t getting enough attention. If you are a single parent, it’s your fault and you deserved it. The other parent isn’t here to blame so we will just blame you. If you are a stepparent you better post memes about ‘how you love those kid’s as if they were your own’, otherwise, you’re the most selfish of them all. And most importantly, NEVER complain about being a parent. EVER. You chose that life.

You are suffering from a Mental illness Yes, you are allowed to say that you have a mental health condition now. It’s more acceptable and people will call you brave if you put out the label. But, don’t give the details. No one wants details, they only want the word of the condition so they can know. Details are too overwhelming so you best keep a lid on that condition. If you’re depressed, get your damn sunlight and eat healthy. If you are anxious, just relax, and eat healthy. If you are traumatized, forget about it, and then eat healthy. If you have insomnia, just sleep, sleep is important, and then make sure you wake up and start eating. If you have ADHD, just focus better, and eat healthy. If you have an addiction, be sober, and eat healthy. If you have an eating disorder, well you really NEED to learn to eat HEALTHY! Bottom line, you are going to make people very uncomfortable if you don’t heal just by eating healthy and resting. So, pretend that holistic health will give you permanent healing, and if you need meds, don’t even mention it. Just don’t. Don’t tell people the biopsychosocial factors that contribute to your condition because that complex info will just give them a headache.

You are in formal education Do your classwork and homework, don’t interrupt the teacher of course. Make sure you raise your hand 1-2 times per class to contribute. Any less makes it appear that you did not do the required readings, anymore than that, then you are a ‘know it all’. Whatever political affilation your college has, that is now your poltiical affiliation too. If you appear to be on the fence of undecided, or on the opposite end of the political line, the classroom will swarm you like Bee’s until you run out crying. Only argue with the teacher when your Mom or Dad is a Doctor or Lawyer, that seems to work sometimes. But make sure you mention it, that’s important. It’s perfectly acceptable to pretend you know everything about a subject if you took one semester of it in college. Go with that… you’re “educated’ now. If you have a B, that is unacceptable. (despite even if you skipped half the classes that semester) You must be perfect, so be sure to swarm the teacher with last minute make up assignment requests in the last week before Finals. It always seems to work.

You are serving in the Military First and foremost, you signed up for this. So never complain. (Despite the fact that the rest of the population literally complains about college, parenting, civilian jobs and so on) You now have two set’s of laws to live by, the Uniformed code of military justice and the country laws. Keep track of all of them. Perform at 100%, 24/7. Get called into work in the middle of the night? Don’t complain. Work overtime with no overtime pay? Don’t complain. Get verbally abused by a ‘higher up’ in front of everyone you work with? Don’t complain. Deploy to a war zone? Don’t complain. Listen to everyone else whine about how hard their life is when you are in a war zone? Don’t complain, you fought to give them those rights. Get treated like crap when you return home by jealous coworkers and insecure civilians? Don’t complain. Don’t brag about it either. Hide your awards. Barely post yourself in uniform. There will be many movies that glamorize war, but, it’s for entertainment so don’t complain. Make sure you ‘move on’ after your military trauma. Get a new job and get on with life. Find a new sense of purpose, and learn to be happy with it.. even if it doesn’t give you 25% the adrenaline the military did. And despite the fact that Stats show Veterans have the highest rates of unemployment, chronic pain conditions, TBI, PTSD, substance abuse issues, homelessness and suicide… you’re still going to be treated as an outcast if you ‘fall apart’. So don’t!

34 Years

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-13-2023

After turning 34 years old I decided, well, let’s blog about this! it’s an interesting age, I’m definitely not old. But, I don’t feel young either. I suppose I am freshly baked and just came out the oven? I found myself telling my boyfriend recently that I feel like ‘this is the age where people aren’t telling you you are young and have plenty of time anymore’. It’s more, ‘well this is probably who you are and who you will be from now on’ age. But, I know logically, I am over reacting when I say that. I still have a lot to learn, and hopefully, more life ahead of me. Today I want to write out two lists. I want to write about the things that I have learned in my 34 years of life, as well as the things that still ‘puzzle me’, after 34 years of life. I also want to invite people to comment if they can relate or if they have an answer for me! I would love to hear from everyone, especially if you are older. Just for reference in case you do not know me, so far my life experience comes from: Childhood traumas, broken home’s, a military career, a deployment to a combat zone, a mental health career as a therapist and behavioral health consultant, various toxic relationships, one healthy relationship (so far!), over 9 years of martial arts training, publishing two books, home ownership and an on site glamping business.

What I have learned so far (In 34 years of living)

  • (Besides SOME parent to child relationships) There is NO such thing as unconditional love. Everyone has conditions with relationships, and, everyone SHOULD have conditions for a healthy relationship.
  • Just because someone acts kind and interested in you, does not mean they truly like you. They might have ulterior motives.
  • You cannot ‘earn’ someone’s love or respect. They either want to give it to you, or they don’t. If they refuse, despite all your effort, then let them go.
  • We are unconciously conditioning people on how to treat us with every single interaction. Hence, if I pretend I have my shit together 24/7 and help people 24/7, they are conditioned to see me as the ‘stress free/ go to person’ anytime they need help.
  • Some people are dead set on lying, manipulating, cheating and screwing people over in this life, and no amount of ‘good’ that you do will ever change that.
  • Social work/ Therapy is actually not a very rewarding profession in the grand scheme of things. A lot of people get what they need to get from you, then leave. There’s usually no statues, memorials or newpapers shouting our names from the roof tops, because it’s confidential, and no one wants to admit they needed help.
  • Even my drive to help other’s and push to be the best version of myself was ego driven. The gratification of praise and reward soothes the ego. But, it’s not valuable if it’s not meaningful.
  • Sometimes you will work your absolute best, and bend over backwards for something, and get ZERO reward for it. Sometimes you will work or train like a professional, but never become a professional.
  • Most people will never truly appreciate diversity, because there is too much comfort in the familiar for them. I’m not just talking about diversity in nationalities and cultures, but also; diverse opinions.
  • Our medical technological advancements are so insanely good, that we are living much longer even despite extremely, ever growing, unhealthy habits. It’s both pitiful and miraculous.
  • Success takes more than just ‘wanting it bad enough’. It takes work ethic, wisdom, sacrifice, being calculated, consistency, resources, support systems, and more. But, there is still no such thing as a guarantee recipe to success, ever.
  • Humans must undo a tremendous amount of social pressure before they can even begin to explore ‘how to build a peaceful life for themselves’. (Notice I didn’t say happy… I said peaceful)
  • The one thing no one can avoid is: Suffering

In 34 years of life, this is still what Puzzles me:

Q- Why does everyone still subscribe to the notion of: Get married, have kids and live ‘happily ever after’ when there has been (quite literally) a tremendous amount of proof that that lifestyle is not a guarantee of 24/7 happiness?

Q- How come some adult people do not comprehend how innapropriate it is to ask people for favors and money over and over and over and over and over again?

Q- Why do people expect things of their partners that they aren’t capable of doing for themselves? For example “You need to make money” (mean while they don’t make any money). Or “You should work, pay bills and clean the house when you get home” (meanwhile they just work and pay some bills and never clean) or “You should eat clean and workout and have a great body” (meanwhile they have an average body) etc etc etc etc

Q- Why do we still base a man’s value off of performance, status or money alone? And why do we still base a woman’s value off of looks, cooking/ cleaning skills, and agreeability alone?

Q- Why do people still barely value mental health education? Our brain is an essential organ for daily living for crying out loud.

Q- How do people use screens for 10+ hours a day and still live in a denial that leads them to believe it has ‘no impact on their deteriorating mental health…’?

Q- Why are there a bunch of basement’s in the upper east coast of the U.S. when it’s prone to floods, and way less basement’s in the central South part of the U.S. where it would be helpful for Tornado’s?

Q- Why did people feel entitled to ‘five star quality’ service during a pandemic that led to mandating an extremely high amount of layoffs; leading to a slim margin of overworked burnt out employees left to do everything by themselves? (With very little bonuses, over time and/ or hazard compensation I might add)

Q- Why do we still believe we can talk people into or out of things? Especially major life decisions such as whether or not to get married. Whether or not to have kid’s. Whether or not to go for a certain career path. How to think. What type of lifestyle works for them and so on.

Q- Why am I so terrified of death all of a sudden? (Well not so much now, but, essentially between the ages of 29-33)

Q- I totally see now that we have a major energy depletion when we hit our thirties, but, do we get some magical energy in our forties? I’m wondering because I feel like ass, but I know a lot of people in their forties that say they feel ‘amazing and rejuvinated’…..???? (Is this largely dependant on my daily habits in the next 6 years or so?)

Again, feel free to comment and give me your life wisdom’s please!

When the Patients Gave me Therapy

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-30-2023

“There are many different types of strength in this world; mental fortitude is a tremendous one. The reality is, you cannot measure someone’s mental fortitude, because you will never be in their mind to feel how much they are suffering through.” -EaE

I’ve had this amazing ability to numb out what my patients have told me, even if it’s exactly like something I had once experienced. But, it can go both ways. I will either numb it out, or feel it too heavily. Either way it can be a problem. But, not every therapy experience offers more trauma. Some therapy sessions I have given over the years have healed me in some way. It heals to help people. It heals to feel hope again. It feels good to also know that I am helping, a change agent, in a very positive way. They also have their own incredible tips and advice’s that they share with me. Things that they do to cope and help themselves feel better, affirmations that help get them through life, and struggles that end up turning into triumphs. Working with people, and seeing people, underneath those hardened shells is a beautiful thing. We are all covered in some type of protective layering after all. There is therapy in the therapeautic process.

The patient that had toxic relationships like mine “I will never trust anyone again. I will never be able to have someone look me in the eyes and tell me that they love me and for me to believe them”. This is what he stated after a break up led him to homelessness and then in an inpatient hospital due to suicidal thoughts and plans. After which he wound up living at his ex Wive’s w/ his teen kids; ‘an embarrassment and failure’ in his eyes. Though it hurt to hear someone talk so badly about themselves there was a deep part of me that understood it. I understood what it felt like to never want to trust again. When you give your all to a person that betrays you and throws you away like you meant nothing to them. To want to give up with living because you cannot see any hope for anything else. I was careful with him as to not chase him away. He needed patience because no one else was going to give him that. I completely normalized the concept of ‘being single forever’, because the reality is, that is an option. And you have the right to that if that’s what you need. (After two years post hospitalization, he actually did date again, and he took his sweet time!) It was good for me to see all of this. Because I came from one bad relationship into another one rather quickly; and the demise of the second relationship landed me in a very similiar spot as him. He will never know how much I thought about his strength through my own post relationship mental shocks/ hardships.

The patient that Sabotaged themselves into Homelessness Honestly, he felt impossible at times. He showed up, he left. Weeks away without communication and then prolonged 2-3 hour sessions when he was back just to catch me up. When he was around our clinic, he dug through the trash for food, I always did him the solid of pretending not to notice. The reason he was homeless? Very complex issues dealing with people in general. He couldn’t handle his room mates, so he gave up and packed up and left. He couldn’t handle his GF half the time? So he would run off and sleep in his car half the time, and couch surf with friends half the time. It took him months to admit he was homeless, I actually had to tell him he was; denial. It took months for me to forcibly take him down the hall to apply for food stamps; he did so reluctantly. It took almost 2 years for him to admit he had a history of sexual trauma during his military service. Through the process of helping him, I could see the barriers through every step. I saw the sabotage and in follow up sessions I could explain it to him: “Why are you picking a fight with the receptionist? They have nothing to do with anything besides checking you in?” “Don’t argue with your VA examiner, they simply need to get the info, write it and submit it.” “Providers are less likely to hear you when you are raising your tone”. Trauma and anxiety kept him in an endless loop of sabotaging resources prior to my treatment with him. By the time I was close to resigning from the VA, we got him to 100% Permanent and total disability. (This typically pays Veterans over 3,500 a month in NYC) The pride I had in helping the most ‘sabotagy person ever’ get what he needs was insurmountable. He cried with gratitude over our phone call when he learned he would finally be 100% VA compensated.

The only patient that made me Cry in session (non intentional of course) During covid timeframe, one of my elderly patients passed away; it was likely Pneumonia and covid together at the age of 88. He was not only an individual client but he was a part of one of the PTSD groups I facilitated. I had to tell each individual group member seperately on the phone (teletherapy) about this significant loss. One of the Vets told me that ‘this is why we (Veterans) don’t get close to people, we lose them too much, too young and too often’. Luckily I was on the phone because that line struck a cord. I had already lost too much, too young, and too often. And it made all the sense in the world, how isolated us Veterans truly are. I never dealt with grief in ‘an appropriate manner’. I always shut down, and still do. I’m like a faucet that closes tight, and occassionally I’ll release the valve a little but just to let a few tears out. But pretty soon I shut it tight again. Why? I’ve always worked way too hard and been way too busy to ‘fall a part’ so to speak. But during that phone session, I let all of that go and I grieved my patient with my other patient.

The patient that was neglected in the same way I was Anytime a child patient vents often about their parents, I like to pose the question of: “What is the purpose of parents? What are they supposed to do for you?” This 8 y/o client of mine answered with “They technically don’t have to do anything for us….”. That’s when I knew that I understood her on a deeper level than most, and she understood my childhood on a deeper level than most. Disheartening neglect that leaves you feeling unworthy of anything good. I’m not talking about simply: “My parents weren’t around much”. In this specific case, we both grew up with biological Mom’s that drugged themselves to a point of being too incapacitated to care for us. Sometimes all day, or multiple days. She had the added factor of her Mom telling her “I never wanted you in the first place”. I had the added factor of my Mom dropping me off with strangers so she could go off and party. She dealt with her deep voids by acting out in anger to get attention. I dealt with my deep void by going numb and pretending I never needed anyone, or anything, ever. I helped her learn to appreciate her Stepmom who was always present, in the way that I appreciated mine, though I rarely showed it. Because neglected kid’s will find a present and active parent to be an intrusive and ‘annoying one’. But, they are really just trying to do their job! And unlike our biological Mom’s, our Stepmoms did the most important thing for us: they stayed.

The patient that refused to work despite being able bodied This patient was a 2X Iraqi War Vet who was raised by 1st generation ‘Islanders’. He was taught that essentially you live to work and work and work some more. And that he did, he worked his ass off in High school, he worked his ass off when he would go to college in spurts, he worked many odd jobs before, during, and after his military reserve career. He obviously worked his ass off in Iraq and sustained PTSD & TBI injuries. By the time he came to my office he had not worked a job in almost 8 years. It became clear through our sessions he was ‘concientiously objecting the American work force’. It was almost like his own mini ‘silent strike’ against Capitalism. He also struggled to finish his BA because of undiagnosed brain injuries; I eventually referred him to neuropsychology for testing which confirmed this. My first compulsion was like anyone else’s would be; to empower him to get back to work. But when I recognized he was at a severe ‘stuck point’ in his life, I took the opposite approach. I accepted him as he was. We talked and talked and discovered and untangled and laughed and yelled and educated each other for about two years until he finally decided to try a ‘Part time Temporary job’, and he did it! He reminded me that a person’s value is not just about what they are doing in that moment; performance, productivity, money etc. I saw so much value in him even while he was unemployed on purpose and living with his Mom with only 50% VA disability. Living within his means and trying to simply… live. With meaningful connections, friendships, and even an intimate relationship.

The patient that had Social anxiety like mine This was a moment in time where I realized that I was giving such ‘incredible advice’ that the patient realized I had the same issue as him: Social anxiety. His Question during my rant: “Wait how do you understand this so well? Do you have the same problem as me??” I just went ahead and admitted it, YES. I have severe social anxiety. Put me in an area where bombs are going off before you put me in a room to speak publicly in front of eyeballs glaring at me. And I can actually vouch for this because bombs from enemy combatants on my FOB did not cause my “fight or flight” system nearly the stress that public speaking did. The root cause comes from external and internal factors blending together to cause a deep seated fear of judgement. But why? Well because we already judge ourselves. It’s the fear that our self judgements will be validated as true, yet again. Because in our childhood we dealt with traumas from others that led us to believe we are unworthy, incapable, wrong. We fear being seen and judged because we already believe to our core that our existence and our mannerisms are wrong. We come off as uncertain, because we are always uncertain. We fear other peoples judgments but overall, we fear our judgment the most. It’s a never ending self degrading cycle. The healing process must start with self acceptance.

The patient that recognized my personal crisis When I had to call it quits with my life in NYC, I had to do a closing session with every client. I made up a story that my Dad was ill and that I needed to go home and be with him. My Dad is still okay though, thankfully! The truth was too embarrassing. I got dumped by my fiancé at the time, he decided to leave me for a much younger girl we had coached at our gym. I was so mentally shocked that I didn’t have it in me to keep working for the VA, I was already burnt out. As I made plans to pack my shit and go move in with my Dad I was also studying for my advanced independent therapist licensing exam. This was a MISERABLE month; especially because I had to keep living with him (ex). Day after day I broke the news (lies) to my clients, one girl knew better though. (She had an extensive trauma history primarily due to the men in her past life) She asked me: “what about your fiancé, is he going to CA with you?” And I said “I don’t know we haven’t decided..”. She concluded by telling me “you get away from that guy, you don’t need any man. You got this”. Essentially, she told me that she knew it was a heartbreak I was dealing with, and she encouraged me to push forward. 💪🏼✅ (I dodged a rocket)