Possessed with Cravings

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-09-2023

Emptiness, Ravenous, Dead unless, I get the fix. Compulsiveness, explosiveness, shame commenced, I lost again. Punishment, was Glutenous. Deserving of, this Sickness. Starve again, Binge again, it never ends, Purge this sin. -EaE

How can I explain it? Imagine you are sitting in your car and you make every effort to get into the drivers seat. But someone else takes over. They drive for you, and no matter how much you want to drive, you can’t. You are just along for the ride, a ride that you do not want to take. A ride that you have forbidden yourself from, yet, there’s another person inside of you that wants the opposite for you. Was I two people? Do I sound crazy yet? I recently started to describe food addiction and eating disordered cravings to be nothing short of being ‘possessed’. Every client I have discussed this with has agreed to some extent. As they too, have felt that helpless feeling of losing control of themselves. It’s like your body goes into an autopilot toward something you swore you did NOT want, while your mind screams at you as the body acts in ways that are out of your control. And then, you accept defeat. The ‘demon’ in you won, yet again. You deserve punishment, and why? Because everyone told you that you did, and because society punishes you anyways, so you might as well reinforce it with more punishment.

People that do not have food addictions or eating disorder’s don’t understand these types of cravings. Why? Because their bodies ONLY crave the nutritional requirements that it takes to keep them fueled. That’s what a ‘normal’ hunger cue does for people. It will ensure that they get fed/ fueled for the day ahead of them. Why doesn’t everyone have a normal hunger cue? Why does everyone have different levels of cravings? How come some people have ‘full cues’ and other people do not? Most of the answers to these questions came to me after I became a behavioral health consultant for Primary care. In this role, I have to give people ‘evidenced based interventions’, in other words, they should leave my office with paper. Either psychoeducation, instructions toward relaxation or cognitive work, or smart goals/ schedules geared toward more behavioral activation. I wanted to help my eating disordered clients, I already knew the risk of just telling them to ‘eat less, and exercise more’. It’s the same thing I heard my entire life, which led to my eating disorder in the first place.

I found an amazing free packet of screenings/ interventions known as EDIT (Eating disorder intuitive therapy) online; created by Dr. Dorie McCubbrey. From what I could tell, it was the perfect way to work with eating disorders on a time constraint; as I only get 30 min per patient, so take home worksheets are essential. One of my favorite worksheets is known as ‘The 3 Reason’s why we Eat’. 1- Hunger, 2- Appetite, and 3- Comfort. A non food addict or eating disordered individual only eats for hunger. That is the actual reason to eat. That’s our body’s way of getting it’s needs met. If you are hungry, you should eat. What’s Appetite? Appetite is something that get’s set off when we develop strong triggers that lead us to have the urge to eat more. Food addicts have very heavy appetites that can get set off from things like: smells, visions; either in person or commercials/ ads or banners and fast food signs, hearing people talk about food, and/ or memories of how delicious food tastes. Going down a grocery aisle with chips was a big example for me. Or smelling french fries while I passed a Mcdonalds sign on my way home from work. Even celebrations can trigger appetite! Why? Some cultures are taught that when you are happily celebrating, you eat. It can become ingrained into your daily habits. Therefore a simple party can even trigger the appetite.

And comfort? Yes, some people eat to comfort themselves. Food creates biochemical changes in our brain which can help relieve depression, anxiety, lonliness, stress etc. When I go over this section of the guide, I ask people to identify their emotional triggers. Most people, if they think hard enough about it, can think of at least 1-2 emotions that immediately cause them the urge to eat, as they know matter of factly that the food will relieve said emotion. Most people with Eating disorders have higher appetite triggers and higher emotional triggers that cause an urge to binge for comfort. That being said, they are no longer eating ‘just for hunger’, they are eating due to a high appetite, and due to mood swings that need instant relief. It becomes an eating disorder when the shame drives them toward a cycle of restricting food, binging food, and/ or purging their food. Why do they do this? Because society told them that they ‘should be thinner’. Society told them that their behaviors deserve shame, and heavy corrective actions. And then we get a double edged sword situation…. “Eating disorder so that I am ‘not fat’, or no eating disorder and then I remain fat? Both are very ‘unhealthy’, what the hell do I do???”

What are the corrective actions that are taken with an ill mind? It’s important to always note, that a healthy mind will take healthy activities and thrive. An ill mind, will take the same ‘healthy activities’, and make them unhealthy. The restrict, binge and purge cycle tends to go as follows: Shame, restrict food, starve and then get the urge to binge, binge and then get the urge to purge it out, more shame and then cycle repeats. What does our mind tell us through this? Here are some examples: “I shouldn’t have eaten that, now I need to punish myself by running on the treadmill for hours.” “If I do not workout everyday, I will get fat”. “I can’t have a single carb, if I do I will get fat and regret it”. “I did everything I could possibly do and I still gained a pound, I need to do even more”. Inevitably, due to all of this exhausting effort, many will get a case of the ‘Fuck it’s’ at some point. Examples: “Fuck it, I’ll never lose weight now matter how hard I try so I’m done trying”, “I’m sick and tired of depriving myself I’m going to eat what I want”. Eventually the behaviors lead back to self hatred, shame, the urge to restrict, and then the urge to binge again.

The only reason I am able to break this down so well now, is because I am in remission and have roughly an 80-90% handle on my food addiction & eating disorder. But make no mistake, when it was at it’s worse (in my early to mid twenties), it was AWFUL. Back to those cravings, those cravings could drive me to do very unusual things. I ate things that were not meant for human consumption sometimes. I would go through two or more drive throughs back to back. I recall eating so much I couldn’t move; horrendous stomach aches. I ate an entire jar of peanut butter one time, the next day I felt sludge pumping through my vains. My binges were quite extreme, I loved to do them with a TV binge and then I would feel this euphoria followed by an extreme low with crying spells. And my restriction efforts? Weighing myself ten or more times a day. Changing outfits over and over until I found one that didn’t make me look ‘fat’. Eating under 1K calories a day or less. Taking many progress pictures and feeling the high of the compliments that I recieved on social media. My purges? Spitting out my food if I did not want the calories in me after all. Using laxatives, especially if I had a BJJ competition coming up. Exercising in extreme amounts; frequency and time. Up to 6-7 workouts a week; usually 90 min to 2 hours long. Dehydrating myself for the sake of competition weight and waking up nauseas. (it’s easier to justify eating disordered behavior when you’re an athlete by the way; its for the sake of the sport!) My Body dysmorphia also led me to misrepresent myself. I sucked in my tummy since the age of 11. That helped me during military waist measurements; I could always get full points. (It’s easier to justify these behaviors when you are in a military oganization; as they push people to do unhealthy things for the sake of fitness)

My very first therapist decided he wanted to focus on my eating disorder. Why? Because I came to him while I was busy in Grad school, complaining that I was getting fat, and I wanted to work on losing the weight. I was too busy and tired to keep up the effort; I felt like a failure. Something very important that this therapist taught me that I try to teach my weight management clients in primary care; It’s not the behaviors that we must address right away, first and foremost, we must untangle our minds. Once again, an Eating disordered mind is too ‘tangled up’ to comprehend ‘just eat right and workout’. You know what they hear instead? “You’re fat, punish yourself with workouts, deprive yourself by starving. Be miserable, because you will never be able to have what you want.” And one of two things will likely happen with that blanketed cliche advice; we will either punish ourselves with the same unhealthy cycle of restrict, binge and purge, or we will naturally rebel against the advice and go back to the ‘fucks its’ of compulsive eating and trying not to care anymore. Either way, nothing ever changes, if our mind never changes.

Below is my list of ‘healthy thoughts related to food/ body image that I have worked on this past year. I give it to almost every weight management client that has a food addiction and/ or eating disorder. It’s what I wish I was told, it’s what I hope everyone can read. I wouldn’t wish this disorder on anyone.

The cognitive reframing- (Healthy thoughts related to Food & Body)

  • I’m hungry, therefore I should eat.
  • If I’m hungry later, I can eat more of this. But I’m full now, therefore I’ll put it away and do something else.
  • It’s normal for our body to scrunch up or have rolls when we sit or bend.
  • It’s normal for weight to fluctuate, and it’s okay to have a variation of clothes sizes for when this happens.
  • A change in diet and workout routine can alter my appearance, but it cannot change my genetics. (Take the time to distinguish the difference)
  • Forbidden foods will only exacerbate my urge to restrict and then (or) binge/ purge. I will eat what I want, and I will strive to practice moderation.
  • I love _____________________ about my body.
  • My body requires certain nutrients that I want to strive to give it.
  • I deserve clothes that I feel comfortable and attractive in.
  • Numbers NEVER tell the whole story. More importantly, how do I feel?
  • People may throw unsolicited advice at me regularly, but they do not know what my goals are. I’ll take what’s helpful and discard the rest.
  • My negative thought(s) regarding my body could stem from mental abuse from people that were projecting their own bodily insecurities onto me.
  • My negative thought(s) regarding my body could also be from societal pressures from businesses that stand to gain money when/ if I’m feeling insecure.

Elisa Escalante/ LCSW

Medication taught me that my Mind had a chemical imbalance of some sort

I’m not a neurologist or a psychiatrist, I am a social worker. So I cannot break this down in an intellectual way. I will do my best though. I was prescribed naltrexone from the VA to help with my food/ weed cravings. I have been taking it for over a year now. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel a ravenous craving toward food or drugs. And, for the first time in my life, I feel ‘full cues’ when I’m eating. At first, all I could really tell my friends was that “I actually feel kind of normal now”, what I presume normal feels like anyways. A normalcy of ‘food not being on my mind 24/7’, a normalcy of ‘not feeling a possessed urge to gravitate toward food always’. The normalcy of “Oh I’m getting full, I’ll put this food away”. I had already had some great progress with my cognitive work in individual and group therapy for my eating disoder, but the medication supplemented my progress. It gave me that extra boost I knew I needed, and I am not ashamed of it. It’s not my fault my brain is this way. I am instead, proud that I had the courage to ask for help. I’m also no longer excessively workout out, I am making every effort to manage and/ or lose weight with healthier eating and ZERO shame. What helps is that I also really love to cook! (The talk of medication offends some people, and I want to give a disclaimer that I am NOT telling people to use naltrexone, I am simply discussing a medication that works well for ME)

In conclusion: There will always be shamers unfortunately

As much as I wish the world could become a kinder place, that is not fully in my control. Realistically, we aren’t getting kinder. For example, now there are more plus sized models and clothing brands recognizing that people vary in size and shape. And for everyone of those ads, you will see some keyboard warrior commenting on how everyone wants to ‘glorify obesity’ these days. Little do they know, these same people on the ads that they spew hate at, have made tremendous efforts to lose weight. Efforts that they could not even fathom. They have also been shamed in ways that they could not even fathom. Shame does not help people, helping people helps people. We help by educating, we help by encouraging, we help by assisting, we help by recognizing efforts no matter how big or small. These types of people that shame, they think they are helping but actually doing the opposite, they are causing more harm. They are fatphobic and yet, ironically using language that will promote more of the cycle they supposedly want to stop. Don’t BE THEM. Be a part of the solution, please.

Sob Stories

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-05-2023

“I have felt pain without religion, distraction, drugs or love.” -EaE

There was a time (that I briefly experienced as a young girl in the 1990’s and a teen in the 2000’s) where sob stories were taboo. Talking about sad things and sad feelings was forbiddin and frowned upon. Poverty and sob stories were teased and shamed while riches and prosperity were glamorized and congratulated. The norm was to ‘not have a sob story’, and if you did have one, you HIDE it and pretend it never happened. If you tried to bring it up, you were met with statements of: “It’s in the past, don’t think about it anymore”, or “It shouldn’t effect you anymore because it’s in the past”. In the later 2000’s to present day, I noticed a shift. I noticed it professionally while I worked in the mental health clinic as an Air Force mental health receptionist. We went from having two reluctant intakes a week, to about 2 new intakes a day. People slowly but surely started to flood our offices, voluntarily, to talk about their problems. In a military organization of all places… where the stigma is even stronger compared to that of our civilian population.

What happened? As more people started to open up about mental health concerns, more people started to realize that sometimes, it’s normal to have problems. Sob stories are the norm? Mental health symptom flair ups are normal? Someone is suffering from what I am suffering from? You mean, I can actually talk about my depression and anxiety and anger without being put in a straight jacket and locked into a padded room?! Some people were still very nervous about getting help of course, but there was also plenty of people that loved the idea of it and recommended it to their friends and family members. We noticed more people walking their friends to the mental health clinic, and waiting for them in the waiting room.

Fast foward to 2020, the Covid pandemic created a different sort of epidemic: An influx of human beings rushing to online therapy and mental health clinics. At this point it was no longer ‘just becoming a norm’, it was a full fledged overwhelm on the mental health & social services systems. I had only been a licensed social worker for just shy of a few years when the pandemic hit; I was absolutely not trained for what came next. Statements of “Everyone should have a therapist”, “Don’t be afraid to seek help”, and “Mental health is just as important as physical health” became the norm. Social workers and therapists overall started to prove their worth as the need was so strong. We even started finally getting realistic pay for the amount of work we do.

What was the strangest thing for me during the pandemic? If I’m being honest, it was actually the first time in my entire life that I was ‘more ill’ than at least half if not more than half of my patients. Meaning my PTSD, hypersomnia, and depression began to flair up to the point of severe levels, while many of my clients at the time were able to quarantine and receive unemployment and tame their mental health concerns. But, because of the nature of a mandated quarantine along with the 24/7 access of screens, they still demanded regular therapy. The talks were no longer about how to cope with mental illness, but more so, how angry they were about the day to day; the smaller things. Their grubhub order or Instacart order was delivered incorrectly. The President said X, Y, Z. Being cooped up in a small dusty Brooklyn apartment really sucked, but… they could not ever go outside because people don’t comply with masks and social distancing.

My boundaries were so poor, and I could not deny it any longer because the consequences of those poor boundaries began to rear their ugly head during the pandemic. Sometimes, for some people, Therapy can become addicting. And if they also get a sense of ‘entitlement’ with their therapy, it becomes a cyclical effect of burning out their therapist, codependency on their therapist, and then in turn issues with self advocating, taking accountability and/ or self soothing when they are alone. Remember I say ‘SOME’, not all mental health clients, just… “SOME’. I had some clients that were amazing with boundaries; clients that would remind me that our hour was up and never keep me a minute past their hour. But then, I also had clients that made numerous attempts to call me between sessions to squeeze in additional phone sessions throughout the week. I even had a client yell at me if I didn’t answer their many call attempts between their sessions. (It didn’t seem to occur to some people that my caseload was overflowing due to the pandemic and I barely had 5 minutes for lunch some days… let alone a whole extra session or phone call). All that mattered was, there was another sob story, and then the next day, another. And then, another.

Working for my particular Vet center was a nightmare, they gave me a work cell and told me to call my own clients when I got sick so that they did not come in. This is absolutely a receptionists job. There’s a reason for that. When I called patients to tell them I could not come in to work because I was sick, at least a couple of them wanted to talk to me regardless. Even on my days off, I couldn’t get a day off. My health was deteriorating. I recall reading about America’s ‘Mass resignation” from the years of 2020 to… well present day most likely. I am a part of this mass resignation and so are plenty of other therapists, nurses, teachers and so on. Meanwhile other jobs have grown rampantly; life coaches, mental health ‘influencers’ etc. I first noticed TikTok in 2019 or 2020; people also loved sharing their sob stories online now. Some people have specific niche’s on Instagram and TikTok to talk about mental health. Survivors sharing their stories, therapists sharing evidenced based coping tools, and even Randoms’ that had ‘one psych class’ many many years ago sharing their ‘knowledge’. I saw some amazing stories and some amazing advice, I also saw some pretty awful advice that made me cringe over the years.

Going to people for an emotional outlet is NOT inherently a bad thing. It used to be so feared that we had to insist to many that it was beneficial. But, now we live in opposite times where it is insisted upon. I learned about the term “Ableism”, meaning when you are easily able to do something that someone else cannot, and then in turn you may feel superior to them or egotistical about your own skills. I do agree with the term, but not always how it is thrown around. After all, how can you know that something comes ‘easier to someone else’ than it does to you per say? What if, they are trying harder than you through their own mental health conditions? Mental health conditions that they choose not to share? After all, they are still invisible wounds until they are talked about. Some people use ‘ableism’ to suggest that ‘they are unable to do anything’ because they are ‘more ill than most people’ and ‘suffer more than most people’. For some people, this may be true, but for many, it is not. In general, most humans have a great capacity for some things, and a very limited capacity for others. Most people have general talents, and things they struggle with. And, most people suffer from some type of physical and/ or mental illness of some sort at some point in their lives.

Don’t Enable

Enabling someone that has an endless amount of sob stories could look like giving them free therapy or free emotional outlets 24/7 while that person has no intention of making any positive changes to their life. It could look like helping someone the moment they put themselves in a victim role; over and over again. It could look like giving someone money often because they are always ‘in a bind’. I’m not talking about onesies and twosie incidents by the way. It’s normal for people to struggle and to need help sometimes. I am talking about behavioral themes. I am talking about when something becomes a pattern. We can enable people in general; our peers and family members or even ‘helpless’ coworkers that should really be learning to do their job and pulling their weight. And, as I discussed earlier therapists can enable their clients too. Despite what some people may think, mental health therapy is NOT meant to victimize people and lead them to believe that they are ill to the point of ‘helplessness’. We can do just as much harm convincing someone they are helpless as we can when we judge someone for having hardships. I don’t want to see either extreme on the spectrum.

Empower

What I love about new school therapy is that it is meant to empower people. Let’s explore your mental health conditions and/ or your social problems and empower you to find a way to tailor your life accordingly. How can you heal? How can you overcome? How can you persevere? What changes should be made? How can we motivate you to make those changes? What are your stuck points? How can we help you get through them? What’s the best way to self care? Are you taking your rest days and are you also making sure your good days are productive and helpful? The spirit of therapy is not to give people an endless supply of ‘vent sessions’, it is to help empower them to take positive actions in their life and overcome their struggles. I am all for ‘more sob stories being shared’, I am not for the idea that we portray someone as ‘helpless’ just because they have a sob story. I have found that being in a role as a behavioral health consultant for primary care helps me help others. Why? I have to give people ‘evidenced based interventions’ during most appointments, I have to encourage them to create goals and work toward self management. This role is better for me, and it makes me a better clinician for the patients.

You can Sob while you ‘put the work in’

There is nothing that says that when you are having a hard time, ‘you must be helpless through it.’ What does your intuition actually tell you? Or, what does your therapist tell you assuming you cannot trust your intuition? For example, I can get so depressed that my body goes into a zombie state and my mind goes into a fog. I know I must get outside and move; though my body and mind tell me otherwise. It’s so hard that sometimes I’m walking .000001 miles an hour and barely able to pay attention to my surroundings, but I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ve cried through workouts, and work. Sometimes I step away for a bit, and eventually I do get back to my goals. Some people have panic attacks at work and need to use their break and do their deep breathing exercises. Some people have anger outbursts and instead of taking it out on their family they have their alone time in a room where they can punch things. Then, they get back to their family after they used their anger diversion/ outlet. Many people grieve while they go about daily life. They take some time to be by themselves, and they take some time to be with others, and they take some time to distract themselves into oblivion. There are many ways we can balance sobbing, panicking, anger, grief, stress with both nothingness and productivity. Find the ritual that works for you. You deserve to live at your most optimal state of being.

Pathological

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 07-25-2023

“Peace and content are not ways in which we settle. They are the goals after a life of horror and trauma. I don’t want to be high, I want to be steady.” -EaE

Now a days, I talk to my clients about ‘Tornado people”. The types of people that suck you in, beat you up, and then spit you out while you are all dazed, bleeding and confused. Narcissists, histrionic’s, pathological liars and/ or Antisocial (sociopaths) types. But, it’s not really about a disorder per say, it’s about intentions. If someone intends to lie to get their needs met, and they completely disregard someone else’s needs, they are the most dangerous people. When they lack empathy and the ability to care, they have the upper hand as far as being able to control another person’s emotions. It’s easy to ‘win’ when you have no remorse and no sense of accountability. And even if they do not win, it’s easy to walk away unscathed when you literally don’t care about anyone besides yourself. My first two long term relationships were much like this. A nine year relationship with a pathological liar and a 3 year relationship with a narcissist that was also a pathological liar. Sometimes I look back and wonder which one is scarier. The 9 year guy was never ‘mean’ on a surface level. He didn’t yell, he didn’t drug, he didn’t ‘party’ per say, he did not ‘control me’. He was this really ‘kind person’ on the outside that also happened to be a seriel cheater and liar. Then, the 3 year guy was a very overt narcissist. He was a very obvious asshole, and some of my friends even warned me.

I can at least say this for a fact: living under the same roof with pathological liars for 12 years in total destroyed my brain. After it was all said and done I had rage episodes. I could not tell right from wrong. I questioned my own sanity. I questioned myself and if I was, in fact, the bad one? I questioned what I did to deserve it. I believed I DID deserve it. I often questioned how in the world they can live with themselves in the aftermath, so much more carefree than I was. I am aware that these terms are getting used often. But let me give you the distinction. How do you know the difference between someone that is harmful and toxic vs someone that is more or less innocent? It’s all in the intentions. Was I perfect? Absolutely NOT. I am a human and I made mistakes. But, my intentions were good. I never in my life set on a path to purposely hurt a soul. In my path, I accidently hurt people. But, a toxic abusive person is on a path to intentionally harm and bull doze others while pretending to be ‘perfectly innocent’ and taking zero accountability. That’s the true difference.

They Lie, lie and lie again. And when you catch them, they lie some more

Everyone’s first go to is to shove the ‘red flags’ in your face and make you feel like a clown. I would have to guess that this could be a defense mechanism on everyones part. It’s easy to believe ‘you cannot be the victim because you see red flags better’. But, a true pathological liar will Never sport their red flags. They paint them GREEN with sparkly glitter on top. They have no issue’s lying to get their way. And a naive person that RARELY lies, like myself, would believe the lie. Why? Because, ‘Why would they LIE???” If you are someone that values honesty and truth telling and you live by that practice, then you cannot fathom why someone would be a liar. You just can’t relate to it. You will never get it. Most of the people I have had in depth conversations with, clients and friends, that admitted to me about their lying habits told me it was typically one of 2 reasons. “They had nothing growing up, and they needed to lie to pretend they were something.” Or, “they got in trouble regardless of their behavior (from their parents), so they figured they might as well lie to get the better option” (less punishment). Hence, pathological lying typically starts out as a psychological defense mechanism. How does this look in a real life situation? I’ll use my 3 year recent ex as an example first. When I first got with him, he had a ’35 dollar an hour job, with a 10K savings bond.’ Then, 3 weeks after we committed to moving in together, that same job ‘cut his hours’ out of no where. Then weeks later, they stopped giving him hours all together and he was broke, and no access to the ‘savings bond’. When he was broke, his “Baby Mom must have robbed him”. Not just lie after lie, but sob stories as well.

When they truly cannot lie anymore because they are truly caught, ‘it’s your fault‘.

(3 yr ex) It was my fault for ‘catching him’. It was my fault for having ‘high standards that made him feel like he had to lie to get with me’. It was my fault for pressuring him or making him insecure to a point he ‘had to lie’ to save face. It was my fault for making him work a job he hates because I needed help with bills and he needed to pay his damn child support anyways. He did not shove me to the ground, he just touched me “and I fell over” and it was because I ‘made him angry’. With my ex ex of 9 years, it was the fact that ‘he didn’t want me to feel bad’. “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you”. (Never mind the fact that the truth along with the lie is more painful than ‘just the truth itself’.) “I lie because you will just over react, like you did before”. Meaning, the time I over reacted the last time I caught him in a lie where it appeared he was probably cheating early on in the relationship. But, ‘he wasn’t cheating, he was just being nice to this girl and took her out on a date because he also ‘felt bad for her’. No matter what the rhyme or reason is, they are ‘never lying and cheating’ because of their own charactoer flaws. They will always project it back onto you. You you you. Accountability is not a part of a pathological liars toolbox. Why? Because accountability requires truth telling. They have no capacity for it…or they refuse to learn to try. Like the concept of an old dog trying new tricks. They would rather stick with the old.

It’s not just you. It’s a Pattern that stemmed before you, and will continue after you

With the nine year ex, I saw the pattern continue unintentionally for the longest time. Women would DM me. Random women, asking about his character because they had their suspicions. The first time it happened was just several weeks after our break up actually. His new girlfriend (We opened our relationship in the last 1.5 yrs of the relationship, so I wasn’t surprised there was someone else, I was just surprised she didn’t know about me) asked me if ‘it was true me and him were broken up for two years? Why? Because they had been dating for months, and that is what he told her. She was heartbroken to know that her ‘new boyfriend’ who she assumed she was exclusively monogomous with, had only just been dumped by me two weeks ago. She even showed me screen shots of his lies: “No he wasn’t living with me, he was living with a ‘male room mate’ and they simply had a falling out over ‘how messy he was’. I read her messages a bit in disbelief. I was surprised, but I also wasn’t. I was ashamed to know I dated someone like that for nine years. Someone who could take me to his Mom’s Xmas eve party, and then the very next day on Xmas take his other GF (who had zero knowledge about me) to his Squadron Xmas party. Outside of that incident, I was hit up by his two more recent exes. Same same same. The most aggravating thing about it is that he simply never grows up. It’s still cheating after cheating, lying after lying, and excuses of “I felt bad” when he is caught. Even when people open relationships or practice ‘polyamory’, there are still rules/ ethics that require honesty. Here’s a lesson: If you are opening your relationship to save it because ‘he or she always cheats & lies’ and this change can make it ‘not cheating and not lying anymore’, the relationship has already failed.

And my 3 year narcisstic ex? Well, three babies from three baby mom’s? He had crafted some pretty creative stories that made him out to ‘always be the victim’ in every situation. My naive ears wanted to believe him, even though it doesn’t truly add up. At the end of the day, regardless of what truly happened between him and three Baby Mothers… you willingly left behind three women with your three children. And, if you can abandon the mother of your children along with your children, then what made me the most idiotic person on the planet was the delusional belief that I thought I could be any different. This relationship was monogomous on my end, all the way. I assumed he was too, as he always insisted he was. But, if he could lie about Baby mom stories, lie about his intentions toward his children, lie about his income and jobs, and even lie about ‘serving in the military’, (he never did), after the relationship ended when I found out he was a cheater, I wasn’t too shocked. I was more so shocked about who it was. A girl we trained/ coached martial arts for six months. Honestly after finding out that I was quite convinced that he literally hated me by the end of the relationship and wanted to destroy my life and spirit. It became clear he had ulterior motives because as I look back, he bounces from women to women to women. When one situation doesn’t work out, he monkey bars onto the next with the same sob stories and tactics. I can’t help but wonder, what type of ‘evil woman’ am I in his new book of lies to his new GF?”

When it’s all said and done, there is no more capacity to Trust

Needless to say, when I got back into the casual dating world, I had zero capacity to trust. So, I chose not to trust anyone. I chose casual situationships instead. And in doing so, it was like I was playing out my own game of trauma reenactment. I spotted the lies and the ‘player tendancies’ in many men that I talked to. Lies about where they were at when and if they ghosted for days to weeks at a time. Lies about their intentions when they showed evidence of opposing intentions. And you better believe that if a man told me he was serving in the military, or had served in the military, I was asking for proof; either a DD 214 or a military ID please and thank you. I refused to forgive anything. I was hurt, and when they lied to me I was not very forgiving. It’s always going to be a trigger. It almost always feels like a ‘mind game’ that people are playing. I had to also have a lot of space for myself, to heal. I knew I was jaded. I knew that love cannot be nurtered if I continued to sit in pain. The one silver lining I can say about living with pathological liars? They gave me a hell of a ‘Bullshit detector”. I have always had a kind heart, but what I didn’t have was boundaries. A kind heart needs boundaries, otherwise, it shatters into a million pieces. I know now that trust can only get built with time, patience, and most importantly, an honest relationship. And you will not know it’s honest unless you see visible proof over time. And if you do spot too many lies, you need to have the self worth/ love/ capability to be able to end it. Otherwise you will always be susceptible to the same crap treatment.

I still Choose Honesty

The crazy thing though? Despite all of my trauma, I still told the TRUTH. I never became a liar to punish others simply because I was lied to. It’s evil, it goes against my moral code. And I do not understand how anyone can live a double life. It’s exhausting. Even my ex ex admitted to me recently that it is quite exhausting balancing multiple girls that do not know about each other. In fact, my female friends often tell me ‘that I am too honest for my own good’. My honesty has gotten me in trouble with many men. My honesty forced (during my online dating ventures) me to tell people that “I am not ready to be monogomous or exclusive” while most people would instead say that ‘they are single’ and leave it at that. My brutal honesty has gotten me in situations where men (that I actually really liked) have lashed out with revenge tactics due to jealousy and hurt. Because again, I’m not going to feed you a fantasy, I’m going to give you the reality. Take it or leave it. A lie get’s you what you want in a moment, a Truth will chase away what you do not need.

No Faith

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 07-20-2023

“But then again, I have a soul. That extends beyond this vision and flesh. That reaches up; can feel the sky. The world, spirit, and Universe enmesh.” -EaE

I was six years old when I first went to Catholic school in Houston, TX. The jumper uniforms, the church, the strict teachers, the Wednesday mandatory service. The bible teachings, the morals and lessons. I was a child of neglect/ abandonment and abuse already, and I did not yet know how to read. The teachers and my grandmother harped on me until I got it right. Many lectures, a lot of getting screamed at and pinched until “I got it right”. I was petrified of getting paddled like some of the other kids so I continued to stay timid and shy. But, I did believe in God. My grandmother believed in God, and my teachers believed in God. Catholicism taught me this: “Pray and God will answer you”. So, I tried to do this. I prayed, prayed, and prayed again. I wanted my Mom and Dad back, that is all I ever asked for. My Mom came, only to give up after 1-2 weeks and abandon us (me and my older brother) again. And my Dad had promised us ‘it will only be a few months of living at Grandma’s’ while he served in the USMC. Well, a few months turned into 5 years. I was so angry that by the time I was 9 years old, I ripped the Jesus picture off of my wall and threw it. “There is no God or Heaven”, I already had that mindset. Then, it morphed into me putting two and two together: ‘They made up Santa Clause, they probably made this up too.’ It’s … like a Fairy Tale. I never told my Grandother that I became “Atheist”. She still insisted I pray at night time.

My Dad picked us up to take us to CA when I was 10, almost 11. Through my Preteen and teen years I was a bitter, pessimistic, depressed and emotional girl. I judged religion a lot. I hated it. The bibles, the talks about the bible, the churches, the praying. I just kept thinking “It’s not real, how can anyone think it is without seeing it? Without any proof?” I looked for signs, I came up empty. I couldn’t ‘feel’ or ‘see’ any spirits. Friends tried to convert me back to believing and they always fell short. Throughout the years sometimes I would hear my Dad and stepmom argue about religion. She was a christian, while My dad was atheist. Neither one of them could convince the other. I thought my Dad made a lot of ‘good points’, about saying ‘anyone could have written that thing’; The bible. Then again, I was already Bias.

I enlisted in the Air force at 18. In the military, it did not change much. I went to Church in Bootcamp just to have a few hours of peace and cry. I didn’t like it, I just needed it because, well, Bootcamp is horrific. But, at some point I was able to admit to myself, at the very least: I have no clue what happens after death, but I doubt it’s ‘nothing at all’, otherwise what the heck is all of this about? I then realized that I am agnostic. I am not claiming there is ‘nothing’, but I am not claiming there is something. I am not going to claim to know something I do not know. Because as of now, nothing has given me all the answers to all of my questions. Not religion, Not the military cult, not science, not friends or family, not even living life itself. Nothing. I know nothing. During my deployment to Afghanistan, a Catholic soldier was very offended when he inquired about my religious preferences. I simply used the term Agnostic. “So you choose to exist with ignorance in this world?” My reply: “We are all ignorant, some of us are just willing to admit it”.

Fast forward to many years later; My late twenties. I decided to try hallucinogens. There were already some studies that suggested they can help with Depression and PTSD and I was quite desperate. It is a hard thing to explain, because if you have not tried the substance, there is no way you can truly understand how it feels. It morphs the way you see things, the way you feel things, and the way you understand life. At first it was simply a relief, to not feel depressed 24/7. And to not ruminate on the same awful thoughts 24/7. Then by my early thirties I started to notice a shift. I became both fixated and petrified of death. I feared it, I questioned it, then I wanted it and even sometimes insisted on it. The happiest I ever felt, was on a hallucinogen. But also, the most suicidal I have ever felt, was on a hallucinogen.

My very last trip was the most terrifying one, before I decided to stop all together. My brain went from happy and silly, to dark and suicidal, to then dying… (falling asleep but it felt like death). Then I woke up and threw up. Then I spent an entire excruciating night on a ‘bad trip’. It’s what people call “An Ego death”. When your mind is no longer a part of reality. When you as a person have no sense of reality. I died and came back to life. I morphed into other humans during this trip. My memories were so distant that I started to question if they had ever happened. I was no longer me, and the world was no longer seperate. Everything bled together, and for at least 5 minutes, I had all answers. Everything made sense. I had no more fear and no more questions. I understood life in that moment. I understood true reality, that nothing was real. I am not an individual I am one with everything, and everything is one with me. There is no time. There is no people. There is no space. There is no ‘life’. We bleed together and move together, but nothing is truly real. Understand??? I don’t understand it either. It was just, in that moment, I understood.

I was sober by the morning and simply grateful to be back to ‘my normal self’. I wish I could say more. I just know that this took me further into the realm of spirituality. I do not believe religious people ‘are crazy’, or dumb at all. As a matter of fact, I have a feeling they have an innate ability to access something that I cannot (Unless I’m on drugs). Maybe they have more spiritual intelligence than I do. Maybe they have greater access to a realm that I do not have. Just like I have a very high emotional intelligence and some people lack it all together. That is a possiblity. We live in the confines of our own body and brain, and have the ignorance to think that everyone feels, see’s and experiences everything in the exact same way. Currently, I’m dating someone that is religious to some extent. He has gone to church more than I have, he believes a bit more than I do. He likes to pray sometimes, and he likes to hang up Mother Mary on the wall. I told him recently that I ‘wish i could just believe again’. He said “Then do it. Choose to”.

It may not be something I can feel or access, but it is now something I want. To have answers to what awaits us after death. I went on a blackhole research spiral recently, where I looked up documentaries interviewing people after they ‘died and came back to life’. I was quite fascinated to hear very similiar stories but from very diverse people around the world. Stories of being able to talk to ‘their loved ones’ that are ‘already on the other side’. Stories of feeling elevated, not ‘weighed down’ by a body, extremely happy and ‘light’. Stories of seeing and feeling light, water, nature in the most beautiful way possible. I had talked to the Chaplain at my job recently about my ‘Ego death trip’. He was weirded out and did not know what to say. It was evident he had never experienced a ‘drug induced psychotic break’. He ended up opening the bible to read things to me. But that’s not what I wanted. I don’t want a book. My substance abuse counselor recently told me to ‘go to church’ if I’m so concerned about ‘not having answers’. I don’t want a Church. A book and a church does not cut it for someone that is ‘void of faith’. I’ve tried all of that already, many times. I also respect that it does work for some people. I have clients with strong religious preferences that have expressed that it helps their mental health alot. I respect that. But, I want to explore without the confines of lectures, walls and text. I want to find things. At the very least, I’m open minded enough NOT to reject what I DO NOT know yet.

My Messy Entrepreniural Journey

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 06-29-2023

I never want to be the person that harrasses or clickbaits people online. I don’t want to be the person to give an annoying sales pitch. I don’t want to be that cliche person that posts moons and stars in someone’s DM’s and promises them an enriching journey of life coaching if they just ‘buy my book’. I am an entrepreneur, and I do have things that I have created and/ or invested in that I sell. But I am not a sales person. This isn’t a story of me ‘working my way toward financial freedom’, i’m not even close. I cannot guarantee it will even happen. This is an honest story of my experiences so far as an entrepreneur, while still working a ‘9-5’ because… how else will I pay my bills? I find that most successful entrepeneurs only want to show off their destination, but they rarely share the messy journey. I find this not only disingenuious, but quite frustrating. It leads people to build unhealthy expectations regarding what it really takes to build or create something new, and to see it through year after year after year. It is so easy to give up. I have given up on some things, while other things I continue to pursue with a vengeance. I have had some hard lesson’s through the years, and those are the lesson’s I wish to share so that other’s don’t have to be in shock, maybe I can give people some golden nuggets of truth.

My experiences with Fighter and Gym management

This was purely on accident and unintentional, but it happened for a brief period of time. The pandemic of 2020 hit while I was living in Brooklyn and training at both a BJJ school, and with a Muay Thai team. Every gym closed down. Fighters were left desperate without a way to train or fight, and some of them were pro; their careers and income were on the line. While other people trained for their mental health, and desperately needed that outlet. I was living with my ex at the time in a building he worked as the superintendant for. So, we started by converting a small basement room into a gym. I used my first stimulus check to buy a nice wrestling mat along with some other workout equipment. Before we knew it, we were inviting our friends to train in a place that was judgement free. They started paying us voluntarily. We had a mini gym. My muay thai coach needed a place to train, we used the money from the “hotbox’ gym (we enjoyed smoking weed while training) to help rent some MMA trng space along with the coach. We then made what I considered to be the best ‘MMA team in Brooklyn’ (it only lasted a few months). But damn was this a fun/ interesting time. I realized from my ex and other fighters, that a lot of them needed help with contracts and paperwork in general. For example, I worked out the contract for the fighters and for the shared space. I did the paperwork leading up to my ex’s MMA fight. He then referred a friend to me. I helped his pro fighter friend get a fight in Florida. I even convinced the promoter to agree to pay for his flight! I was then ‘dumped’ as he ‘did not need a manager all of a sudden’, (after I already helped). OOPS! I Forgot to do a contract for that! Some people take your help and dump you right after, so they don’t have to pay you commission from their fight. Good to know! Also things got messy with the rented gym space. They tried to increase the price on us very suddenly while reducing our mat time hours, so we pulled out. I was relieved only because I also sensed a lot of hate. Some people that you train with… the moment you have ‘authority’ over them, they start to hate you and become very passive aggressive. I decided after all of this, nevermind, I do not want to be a fight manager.

HotBox&Roll
What I called the “Glamour gym” that we rented & trained out of. (It belonged to some rich guy in the northern part of Brooklyn)

My experiences as a published author with a publishing company

My dream was finally coming true! A dream I had since I was six years old. To publish a book. I had already written about 8 chapters when I decided to show it to a friend/ training partner of mine who worked in publishing. She immediately gravitated toward it; a book for military/ veterans that are suffering from PTSD. But not the typical book, a book from a therapist/ veteran that’s coming from an angle of personal experience, and sharing trauma stories, interventions, resources and compassion. I thoroughly scrubbed the publishing agreement. I am paranoid after all. When something feels too good to be true, it usually is. I did publish my first book and I have sold close to 300 copies at this point, so not a lot. Authors do not get a lot of commission on their own work. Sadly, what I have had to learn the hard way, is that the publisher, artist, editor and distributors all get paid before the author. (Despite the fact that there wouldn’t be a book without us) I published my first book in July of 2021, I still haven’t received a dime. I am not supposed to receive money until I reach 250 dollars worth of profit, I knew that already. But, what I came to learn the hard way is that if I do not sell enough, there’s potential that I will owe them money! Distribution fee’s are annual; At least with my publishing company they are, and they get directly taken out of my royalty earnings. (I was so close to 250 dollars of earnings but then they hit me with the 60 dollar distribution fee) So my decision then becomes to either keep the book in distribution and risk owing money if my sells remain stagnant, or pull my book out of distribution to get what little money I did make; but then never have my book distributed on the shelves and in the online stores again. Again, I’m not a sales woman and I am petrified of doing in person workshops or door to door sales, so it’s likely that by November, my first book could be out of distribution. 😦 (They won’t say it, but I believe this is how they ‘weed out’ the low selling authors.)

Unseen: Uncovering the Invisible Wounds of Military Trauma Link to order: https://www.amazon.com/Unseen-Uncovering-Invisible-Wounds-Military/dp/1631953532

My experiences with self publishing and blogging

Given what I had to learn the hard way, it’s a good thing that I ‘self published’ my second book with a simple online platform called Ingram Spark. My first go around with Ingram was not pleasant. It was not as user friendly as they portrayed, and I accidently went with a free ISBN not understanding what that ‘actually meant’, I did not read the fine print. I accidently published an online ebook that was unedited and ‘did not belong to me’. Scratch that! Pretend it DID NOT happen. I then made a ‘second edition’ of my mental health quotes and poems book with added content and PURCHASED the ISBN’s this time, for full ownership. I was then able to edit and see a rough draft before I approved it for publishing. I actually ‘earn less’ on this book than I do my first book. As It’s a shorter and cheaper book and the company takes a lot of royalties. However, they pay me quarterly NO MATTER how much I make. No silly 250 dollar rule! So I have already received some payments for my second book, published in November of 2022. It’s often usually just 20 dollars or less in a 3 month period! Not much at all, but it did not cost much to create this book either. And, instead of hiring a professional editor, I edited this one myself. Just some simple spellcheck as this book did not require near the edits that my first book did. This is why they say, self publish. It all makes sense to me now, I was just clueless when I was a new author and did not believe I had the skills to do it myself. I also self publish on this very blog. I would say the most disheartening thing about being a published and very active writer, is that it reminds you of how little people care about reading these days. I simply cannot compete with video content and online porn. I work hard toward my writing craft and get next to nothing in return. The only thing that makes it worth it? I love to write. That’s it.

In My Head 2nd Edition Mental Health Quotes and Poems https://a.co/d/g1ax6Nq

My experiences as a Social Media ‘influencer’ and Podcast panelist

Since I cannot handle in person sells, I really took to social media and podcasting as my main strategy for advertising my books. I do have an author website that a friend was kind enough to build for me. I have another good friend who continues to help build it for me when changes need to be made. On my website are links to my books, blog and glamping site (which you will read more about below). This very blog also links to my website and is linked to my Amazon author account! I have writer pages on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. I also have closed facebook groups to help people, and very occassionally, self promote. These groups include ShortygirlMMA, for short women that train in martial arts. Still I roll, a group for people that train BJJ and suffer from mental health conditions. And a Veteran transition support group page on FB & Instagram; exclusively for Veterans only. You may be wondering what any of this has to do with selling my books. But what I have learned over time is that in order to encourage people to buy things, it’s best that they know who they are buying it from. Therefore, you must build a ‘social media personality’ and presence. Whether you feel like it or not, it’s the way of the world now. With podcasts, I generally get invited to podcasts where the niche is either for: veterans, authors and/ or mental health in general. I still get extreme stage fright, even when it’s just through a screen. I always remind myself that the information I am sharing with people can be of some use. I am generally doing my best to help people, so then it’s worth pushing myself through the fear of judgement. What’s the hiccups in this realm? Well, many people will waste your time. Many will interview you and not schedule you for a podcast after all. Many will podcast you, but then never publish it. You have to be ready for dissapointment always.

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/lj-haywood-podcaster_mentalhealth-veterans-military-activity-7057128558413934594-tJKB?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_ios

My experiences as a Glamping Host

And finally, my most recent endeavor has been as a glamping host. This is the most recent as I have only been a home owner for a little over a year. I’ve been told investing in property is one of the best things we can do. I couldn’t agree more. Why glamping? Well it was the cheaper option, and after all, I am not made of money. My current boyfriend and me had the original idea of converting a shed into a tiny home, but with rising costs, we knew it would be insanely expensive to get the lumber and everything else. I bought a teepee bell tent instead. My boyfriend has a background in construction, janitorial, repair work, carpentry, and AirBnB cleaning! Perfect skills to build our vision! Meanwhile, I am the investor, but without the building skills. Teamwork is everything. He built an incredible platform with pallets & plywood so that the tent does not get soaked; luckily a flood warned us of this in advance; so we did not just set the tent in the dirt. He built an outhouse near the platform and brought in an outdoor shower, while I purchased an RV compost toilet/ sink combo. Furnishing it was practically free as we had many things from him moving in with me. I bought whatever else was needed; carpets, tent lighting, outdoor solar lights, bedding, new towels. The first dissapointment was our little wood stove with a chimney, the desert wind kept destroying it. We gave up on it and settled with a space heater and back up propane heaters. We soon learned that our guests cause a lot of wear and tear, and the amount of money we were getting was not close to what we should earn considering both the prep time and time to fix damages; tent tears/ messes. Sadly by glamper # 8, the tent was torn beyond repair. We tried, and then the wind reopened the tear. We also felt that the anxiety of ‘whether or not the tent will hold up through extreme desert weather is just not worth it. So, I am investing more after all. With a hardened structure for glamping! My stepmom actually came up with an amazing idea that’s a bit more pricy vs a tent, but not as pricy as getting a tiny house or cabin. We put up a gazebo! And we will be taking the time to use our creative minds to convert it into a shack or cabin. My glamping business has generated the most money out of anything I have created so far. I have hope one day, that it will be profitable!

Glamping Hub (account deactivated while we are renovating)
The Gazebo that we are turning into a Glamp Shack slowly but surely… stay tuned!

Hypocritical Therapist

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 06-22-2023

“You should know better, you are a therapist….”

“I want my therapist to not have flaws because I want to trust that they can guide me right.”

“You’re not mentally ill though!”

“How are you going to help someone when you have the same problem?”

Oh… if I had a dime for every time I heard something from the above list. I am a therapist which means that essentially, people expect different from me vs what they would expect from any other human being. This is despite the fact, that I am also, a human being.

I don’t think this should have to be clarified, but it does. Therapists can be mentally ill. Therapists can fall into drug addictions. Therapists can find themselves in toxic relationships. Therapists can give the same clinical advice over and over again, and not take that advice themselves. So yeah, therapists can be hypocritical.

I’m a therapist with depression and sometimes my low motivation gets the best of me: I know how the depressive cycle works on a clinical level and on a personal level. Therefore I know that I must exhaustingly fight through low energy and low motivation to the best of my ability if I want any hopes of being a “normal functioning human”. But, sometimes I feel like I can’t. Sometimes my brain feels severely foggy and my body feels like it can’t move. This deters me from going outside, from being around people, from attempts to find joy. On a positive note, I don’t force feed toxic positivity messages to my clients with depression. I know better!

I’m a therapist with a drug addiction history: My father found it ironic that I was applying to work in a substance abuse clinic at one point, when I in fact, use drugs and have been enrolled in substance abuse treatment. As a matter of fact, I’m on a medication that helps curb my appetite toward addictive tendencies. I am not yet a “success story” as I am not fully sober. But I do engage in very effective harm reduction strategies. I had to. Because at one point I found myself in some pretty serious drug induced psychotic episodes. I’ve learned the hard way. I can also help others find effective and helpful strategies Vs the cliche “just quit or be sober”.

I’m a therapist that dated a narcissist: The aftermath of dating a narcissistic is humiliating. Even more frustrating when people throw out this line: “you’re a therapist though, why couldn’t you see the signs??” Two reasons; there’s plenty of therapists that come from abusive backgrounds, I’m one of them. Sometimes we are attracted to the mental health field because we are seeking answers to our problems and also how we can help family and friends. Then, therapists see the world through a very horrific lens. It can jade us into believing: “our life really isn’t that bad in comparison”… even when it is.

I’m a therapist that has had long term toxic friend ships: It felt quite hypocritical to discuss the risk of toxic friendships with my clients and help them explore red flags, while I myself, was ignoring so many of them. And allowing myself to get bull dozed and hurt. It’s called denial. Denial is our friend when we can’t handle the truth yet. But in the long run, denial is our worst enemy. Sometimes it’s hard to confront reality. That maybe, I’m letting myself get taken advantage of, and I should really take charge and do something about it. Even if it means… gasp! Disappointing someone in order to preserve my sanity. Kind people are at high risk of getting used. It’s nice to believe everyone is a true friend, but in some cases, they have ulterior motives.

I’m a therapist that used to sit on my ass and binge eat all evening My after work ritual (for many years) was to binge watch TV while I binged junk food. And then I would cry and have no idea why. I would feel self hatred. And then I would get up and work again, then workout like a maniac right after work to punish myself. Then I was hungry, yet again, for my binge ritual. I felt little to no control over this. I did not have even the slightest handle on this until I was 27 years old and started to seek out therapy for my eating disorder. Everything before that was me hiding this part of myself to stay in the military. I help primary care patients when they have weight management concerns tied to eating disorders or food addictions and I find helping this clientele in particular very rewarding.

I’m a therapist that has given terrible advice: All therapists will admit that there is no such thing as a perfect one. Sometimes we won’t be someone’s cup of tea. Or sometimes with the intent to help, we could accidentally cause more harm. This includes pushing people too hard to share things they aren’t ready to. It could include pushing people to take action before they are ready. It could include choosing a harsh intervention or an inappropriate one. I try not to look back and cringe too much at the younger version of myself. We don’t know what we don’t know. But I need to remember in order to do better now.

I am a therapist that doesn’t want to therapist anymore: I’ve worked in the mental health field for about 15 years. Only 4.5 of those years have been specific to being a true “clinical therapist”. I’m already burnt out. Because I have PTSD, depression, hypersomnia, an eating disorder and addiction problems, I was worn down faster. Also I only recently stopped with toxic relationships and finally started prioritizing my self care only 2.5 years ago. Currently I’m a consultant, not a therapist. This feels like a better fit, much less emotionally damaging. I don’t have anything to prove. I’m not ashamed to admit I can’t give therapy for 20-30 plus years. Once upon a time it was my “dream”. Dreams change. People learn and grow.

Battle of the Sexes

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-14-2023

“Women are more than sex objects and house maids, just as men are more than an ATM or a gift dispenser.” -EaE

In the past decade or so we have seen an influx on research statistics regarding the ‘death of the nuclear family’ so to speak. Some common findings that are coming out include the fact that there are less people getting married, there are more single parent households, there are less people have children in general, there are more money making women now than there has ever been in the history of the U.S. There are more people staying single, cheating or playing the field. Polyamory (ethically/ openly having or loving multiple partners) is on the rise as well. People are in an uproar about these societal shifts, and with any good uproar, what happens? The blame game. Men are blaming women, women are blaming men. I go on the clubhouse app (audio chat rooms) just like I do facebook to hear or read the arguments. It’s cyclical in nature, and nothing ever get’s resolved. “All women are Only fans Ho’s now”, “Men aint shit”, “Women only want assholes”, “Men don’t know how to provide anymore”… etc etc.

I’m going to list off some of the most nonsensical, or ridiculous statements I have heard on both sides (no double standards we are going to keep this fair) and try my best to rebuttle. With change comes friction, but hopefully, eventually…. acceptance. The country is changing. We (some of us men and women) are bringing ‘old fashioned values’ into a new fashioned world and everything is clashing. Once the clash sets in, we experience mental shock and anger. Then blame. Blame blame blame. I believe that there are good men out there that have been hurt by evil women. And I believe that there are good women out there that have been hurt by evil men. And then those hurt souls are walking around with trauma and attachment issues, leaving them more vulnerable, but also more susceptible to getting damaged or damaging. Then the evil men and women go around and continue to hurt more people. Mostly because they can, they don’t care, and no one has dared to hold them accountable. And now, we all live in this deluted world where the people we are supposed to be attracted to and ‘love’ are now seen as our greatest enemy.

(Though this blog is going to talk about heterosexual Cis relationships, I want to acknowledge that within the LGBTQ community; many of the same things will apply. They struggle with their relationships as well, and have the added layer of societal discrimination as they are the minority.)

Women can sell their ‘buttholes’ online and pay the rent Yes, there is a rise of women selling nude photos and/ or porn on the internet, but there are also many women that will never do this as their chosen profession. More than anything, this is a statement of jealousy within a context of “women don’t have to ‘work hard’ and they can get tons of money.” I have never sold my own porn, but I can imagine from what I have seen, porn is WORK. ‘Sex work is work’ as they say. It is a job that people have the right to choose. And, if you do not want to date someone who sells porn, it’s simple… don’t. Also, OnlyFans and other porn platforms are not just for women to seek employment, men can sell their ‘buttholes’ too. The reason it is ‘not as profitable’ for men, is because the largest consumers of porn are MEN, and they often want to see naked women. Frankly, if you talk crap about female porn stars, while simultaneously masterbating to them, you are a hyprocrite.

Men don’t work anymore Plenty of men still work. This is an insult to all of the hard working men out there. It may not be a conventionally ‘masculine’ job, or maybe they decided to…. ‘gasp’! Take … some….. time …. off. Because, we are learning as a society that working ourselves to death can be counter productive. Some women view men as ‘robotic energizer bunnies’ that don’t require rest… and honestly, that is dehumanizing. There are even some men now in the roles as stay at home boyfriends or husbands, or stay at home Dad’s. And though it’s not paid work, domestic work is work too; whether it is a man or woman doing it. And some couple’s can make it work, while simultaneously being happy. But obviously, yes men are still working. They are our supervisors, colleagues, subordinates and more. If you are angry because they don’t do a chore often or they don’t do a chore to your liking, just say that. Imperfection is not the same as laziness, or ‘not working’. Anytime you enjoy a modern luxary today, chances are high that a man helped make it happen.

But can she cook and clean though?? Please stop assigning a woman’s value to her cooking and cleaning abilities, as well as her looks. Women have been in the work force for plenty of decades at this point, why are we still fixated on cooking and cleaning being ‘solely a womans job’? Through all of my military career, college education, therapist and writing career, I cannot tell you how infuritating it is to have all of those accomplishments ‘glossed over’ while someone fixates on the fact that I simply ‘suck at cleaning’. While being mocked and laughted at. (I am a great cook though but that’s beside the point) If you are with a domestic partner (man or woman) then yes; their cooking/ cleaning abilities are important. If you are with a working woman, cooking/ cleaning should not be a high expectation; it should be a role that both parties fulfill/ switch off on. If both a man/ woman are working and paying bills; house chores should be split as 50/50 as possible.

He should Pay! And following up on the fact that women have been working for plenty of decades, we have been making money too! And since we have been making money too, it makes sense that we can also be financial providers. Or even, pay on some dates, or go dutch; whatever. Especially with the cost of living being astronomically high, why is it fair that the man pay for everything? Just like how women aren’t necessarily cooks/ maids anymore, men are not necessarily going to be able to be a sole provider and afford the house, car, kid’s, amenities etc. Help your partner. Don’t hide behind the guise of an old fashioned/ out dated norm. And if you as a woman make money, and you guilt trip him into paying for everything while you hoard your money or go on shopping sprees, I would honestly say that borderlines financial abuse. Let’s (as women) put ourselves in their shoes; with your job, could you afford to pay for all of those dates and every single thing that you have right now? Most middle class American’s require duel incomes in their home’s, so the chances are the answer is: No.

Women get paid less because they work less hard The debate of the gender pay gap is still going strong, though it seems the gap is close to non existent… finally. Truthfully, I do not know about this on a personal level, as I have always worked for the Federal government and get paid the same wage as my male counterparts of the same rank and/ or degree/ licensing. A netflix documentary called ‘explained’ suggests that the gap is due to women often taking on more of the parenting responsibliities, which leaves them unable to work over time. This makes women less competitive for promotions. So the next time you want to pretend women aren’t working hard, consider that they are taking on the bulk of a responsiblity that most men avoid; parenthood. Someone has to do it, and the pressure still lies (as a majority) on the woman. No one can do both at the same time; parent and work. Humans cannot multi task, we can only task switch. This also expalins why less woman are parents now, some choose to focus on their career as they know they cannot juggle both and be ‘highly’ successful at both for 18+ years.

I deserve a man that works, makes six figures, cleans, stays loyal, is tall, is funny, is a ‘bad boy’ but turned good for me, amazing in bed, huge D%$k… etc etc Overall, I believe there’s a trend of many people (these days) having insanely high expectations. Unfortunately for women, they tend to have some pretty extensive checklists that set them up for failure. Sometimes I blame Disney, sometimes I blame Romcoms, sometimes I blame our female peers and ‘mentors’ that preach their ‘words of wisdom’ to us growing up. If you believe you can somehow get everything in the above list, you are delusional. Approaching new people with an extensive checklist is killing modern relationships. One box is not checked off… sorry you’re out! Not to mention, most of the traits or accomplishments above have nothing to do with relationship compatibility: compromising, collaborating, teamwork, accountability, good intentions, empathy, gratitude, shared values, relationship or family oriented. If anything, make that your new list.

Women need to let men “Lead” again Women don’t need to let men lead them. Women do not need to submit to men. Women do not need to necessarily live with or marry men. Women are free to do what they want. If they want a relationship, cool. If they want to stay single, also cool. If they want kid’s, cool. If they do not want kid’s, cool. America is supposed to be the land of the free, why not try to keep it that way by respecting every individuals ‘right to self determination’? Or does that only apply where we ‘think it should apply..?’ Freedom is freedom. Women shouldn’t be able to control men, men shouldn’t be able to control women. No human should be able to control another. No human should be pressured to submit to another for that other person’s ‘gain’. I want to believe and hope that there is no such thing as a ‘second class citizen’ anymore. That is what we have been trying to eradicate with many social movements.

I don’t ‘Need” a Man, period. And, while it is technically true that we (women) do not need to live with, marry or financially depend on men….. We still NEED men. Just in different ways. Unless you are living in the wilderness like Tarzan with zero technology and living off of the fruits of the land…. you need other people; men and women. Even if you are a woman with a career, good pay, and your own apartment or house, you do need men in the world. You might need your male (hypothetically) supervisor at work to direct you, or your male colleague to engage in effective teamwork. When you grocery shop, when you purchase any service provider, when you hire people to help you with things you cannot do independantly, chances are you are relying, sometimes, on men to help. Some men may have hurt you and traumatized you, and for that I’m sorry for you. I know the feeling. But, it does not mean ‘men ain’t shit’. There are still men that are not only kind, but doing incredible things for our society. We need each other. Maybe not always intimately or domestically, but we damn well better learn to get along.

Remember… “You signed up for this”

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-26-2023

“How many people can say that they know the look in a person’s eyes who is already dead? Mind made up. Ready to go to heaven. Ready to end it all, and then he did. I will never not blame myself.” -EaE

Everyone asks me why I wrote my first book that was published in July of 2021; Unseen: Uncovering the Invisible wounds of Military trauma. My textbook answer is that I did not like what I had seen so far with the military/ veteran trauma literature. I also hated most of the war movies that I watched after my Afghanistan deployment. And why do I hate the war movies? My textbook answer is that they do not portray PTSD accurately, and they do not portray military and veteran struggles accurately. This is all true, and I still stand by it. But let me give you a more real and raw answer. I hate war movies, because war is NOT entertaining after you have been to war. War, is seeing all of the most ugly and horrific things that humans can do to each other. And then, coming back home from war is hearing an endless tirade of nonempathic people telling you: “Well, you signed up for it.” Or “You know what you signed up for….”. News Flash! A 17-21 year old barely adult (I was 18 when I enlisted and 21 going on 22 when I deployed), does not know what they are signing up for. There is a reason the military recruitment strategy goes for that age range… and if you have not figured it out by now, then just think about it really hard for a few minutes.

Another Memorial Day is about to come and go. There will be people that suffer through the memories of those they have lost. Men and women that have died in battle, men and women that have died by suicide after being exposed to insurmountable trauma and mental illness. People that have served will remember them. People that have stood by their loved ones that have served will worry about them. And then, there will be people having vacations and BBQ’s while wishing people a “Happy memorial day” and sometimes mistaking it for Veterans Day… which isn’t until November. Meanwhile the Military & Veteran suicide rates continue to rise, yet again. The once ‘awful’ VA medical systems are even more awful after the pandemic, which makes getting healthcare and mental healthcare take even longer. All the good Providers are leaving, they are burnt out after attempting to be the backbone of a ‘broken system’.

Why do People enlist or Commision into the Military?

It’s best not to make assumptions. I will list a variety of reason’s people may choose to sign up for the potential horror that is the Military.

  • They are poverty stricken (studies indicate the one theme that rings true for enlistees is many are in lower socioeconomic brackets).
  • They are terrified of going broke due to the economy & inflation so they decide to serve for the stability that is offered with the Military & Veteran benefits.
  • They are coming from ‘Broken homes’; Abuse & domestic violence traumas that lead them to flee out of desperation.
  • They may want a deeper sense of meaning/ purpose and believe they can find it by serving their country and others.
  • Their Family members have served and they are already accustomed to the culture of living on base and/ or traveling a lot.
  • They are bored and adrenaline hunting, or perhaps curious about the Military lifestyle and wanting to test themselves.
  • They’re self destructive and potentially facing incarcaration if they continue down a path of ‘too much freedom’ that leads them to make poor life choices. (And there have been cases in U.S. history where people were given only two choices: jail or military)

No, we do not know what we signed up for though

You cannot know something until you live it. I think we can all agree on that. People do not know what marriage feels like until they are married. A person does not know what parenting is like until they become a parent. A person will not know what college is like until they go to college. So of course, a person does not know what military service feels like until they are in the military. No exceptions. “You knew what you were signing up for” is never true, because before you signed up for it, how could you know? You had an idea of it. You may have had some ‘third party knowledge’ based off what other people told you. But, you did not know. Do not feel guilty for enlisting and hating a career that you could not predict. And, what makes the military harder than almost anything else in this world? The fact that once you’re in, there is no turning back. You must live that sacrifice you made to the fullest, while other’s get to control the narrative of you life.

They can station you anywhere, they can put you with any coworkers they want, they can decide ‘no you are not being harrassed by your leadership’ even if you are. They can withhold orders to another duty station. They can deploy you in week’s notice to a foreign country of their choosing. They can make you work for extreme periods of time with no overpay. They can wake you up in the middle of the night and raid your barracks room without a warrant; just off of a ‘hunch’ that some commander has based on rumors. They can make you stand for hours in extreme heat until you pass out. They can make you get back to work right after you saw death before your very eyes. They can make you work through grief and trauma; as a matter of fact they usually insist that you do. They can withhold your vacation leave no matter how desperate you are for a break. You cannot complain about any of it. You cannot quit, quitting and running away (AWOL) could mean prison time. That’s the true entrapment right there. Over the years, I have heard many people counter these hardships with arguments about ‘how their job is so hard too’. But, the bottom line is, a civilian can quit. A military member cannot. We sign up hoping for the best, and never being able to fathom just how bad it can get.

“Happy Memorial Day…???”

I have written a blog a couple of years ago already that stated a fact: It is NEVER a Happy Memorial day. So what can you say instead? To Military members and Veterans? I would suggest: “I am sorry for your loss if you happened to have lost anyone, and if you need anything I am here”. Because that is what a Memorial truly is. It is remembering those that have fallen. It is respecting and honoring the fallen, as well as being there for those that grieve them. Remember those that have given the ultimate sacrifice.

Mommy Dearest

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-15-2023

We take for granted the things we have always had, that we never had to lose. In this case, it does not feel like a privilege, but a ‘right.’ But, it’s never a right. We are entitled to nothing.

I have a recollection of puzzle pieced memories as a toddler. My life was very much fragmented, as I spent years in what can be referred to as ‘kinship foster’. But, it wasn’t formal or by the books. It was a decision that my biological mother made after she divorced my Dad and was granted full custody. To drop my brother and I off at random people’s homes while she took off for days or weeks at a time. A toddler doesn’t know very much at all. I just knew that I missed my Dad (USMC and always working), I missed my Mom (Why did she always have to leave?), and I did not know these strangers very well. Sometimes it was distant family, sometimes it was random ‘friends’ of hers. Were they happy people? No. Most of the time they seemed angry/ agitated at our existence. I mean, who wants to look after kids that arent’ theres? Some of them had their own kid’s to feed and take care of.

Sometimes our mother did give it her best. But, her best fell short. My brother and I fed ourselves when she was passed out in drug comas. We were exposed to a lot of things early that kid’s should not be exposed to due to lack of supervision, especially when we were left with strangers. The only time our Mom stuck around was when we were living with a new boyfriend of hers. Of course, her ‘picker was broken’ as they say in the mental health world. They were rarely good men, none of them were our father. One of my Mom’s boyfriends liked to physically abuse me. I believe he was a drug addict too, I feared him. He would hit, pinch, pull my hair while he appeared to be in ‘a daze’. When My mom walked in on this one day, I did catch a glimpse of what looked like ‘Mom instinct’. She confronted him, he denied everything as I recalled what he did to me. My brother recalls that when she dipped out on him in the middle of the night she pulled a fat stack of cash from his wallet.

When my Dad finally found us (this was before cell phones so it wasn’t exactly an easy mission for him while he was serving in the USMC), our Mom relinquished custody. My grandmother stepped up and offered to help, as my Dad could not single parent a 5 y/o (me) and an 8 y/o (My bro) while serving Active duty. So, off we went to Grandma’s. What our father assured us would be ‘a few months’ turned into five years. Living with grandma and Uncle. I actually saw my Mom only a few more times after this. Once in TX, once in AZ, once in CA, and then once again in AZ, on her death bed. Everytime was awkward and heart breaking. It always appeared that she was trying to be someone she was not (A domesticated lady), and eventually she would sprint away to her safe haven, yet again. And in her absence people assured me it wasn’t her fault or my own, it was ‘the drugs’. Honestly, people just didn’t know what to say. Especially on my Dad’s side, as most of the women have strong motherly instincts. So they could not understand my Mom at all.

I went from heartbroken to numb. By the time I was 11 going on 12 it was full on anger and then numb. When you cannot have someone, but you also cannot bear to miss them any longer, you go numb. What else can you do? You can’t make someone stay that does not want to stay. I believe that my mother had post partum depression along with other mental illnesses from her childhood. And of course, there was no denying she was a drug addict. Alcohol, meth, heroine and perhaps even more. I know she was abandoned by her parents at least once or twice and had to stay with other relatives. I know both of her parents were alcoholics too. Then to put the cherry on top, being a military spouse is insanely hard. I believe she was living a lifestyle that wasn’t meant for her.

Then at the age of almost 12, I inherited a stepmother. She was the polar opposite, she was extremely attentive, extremely in our business. Always there, always present. Sometimes to a point she drove us crazy. We had ups and downs. But, no matter how much we did not get along sometimes, one thing I reminded myself of always was “Your Mom refuses to be with you, she (Stepmom) is here, and she is doing what your Mom never did for you”. A villege raised me and my brother, and my stepmom was the last one in the picture before we became adults, but I like to think she helped fine tune my personality. She held me to what felt like impossible standards, but at the end of the day, I proved her right. I could be everything she believed I could be.

I spent my life secretly knowing that eventually I would get a call about my Bio Mom on her death bed. And it happened when I was just 20 years old. I remember thinking I would have this whole speech prepared. A speech of confrontation and anger. But when I saw her dying, all the anger went away. Why the hell would I want to confront her in her final days? Instead my Brother and I shared our life stories with her, and our future aspirations. She did smile wiht pride. I think it helped her to know that we ended up being okay, despite the damage she may have caused.

I have many triggers because I have PTSD. But one trigger on this topic, is people that are not grateful to their mothers. Especially when their mother’s are actively present, and have always been there, for better or worse in sickness and in health. People like to think that it’s ‘not a choice’, and parents must parent. But then again, there are many foster kids and orphans in the world still. There are many kid’s that come from broken homes and rarely get to see one if not both of their parents. People take for granted what they always got to have. It feels like a ‘right’, but honestly, its just plain luck. What cards did you get dealt? Maybe you hit the ‘good parent lotto’. Or maybe, your parents never wanted you and tossed you away without a care in the world.

Mother’s Day is always a day that I try to numb out. I usually get engrossed in other projects. My mother died in August of 2010. And i’ve spent the last 13 years dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions. It angered me, how even my closest friends could not acknowledge that this loss hurt me. I’ve even had some people believe that ‘because we were not close, that it must not be that bad’. In retrospect, I had to grieve my Mom before she died, and I had to grieve for her again after she died. Because she was actively killing herself for many years. With the lifestyle she lived, the lifestyle I had because of her, and the loss, it led to a lot of unanswered questions. Why did she leave? Why did she rarely come back? Why wasn’t I enough? Could I have done more? Could they have done more? Could we have been a family? How different would my life have been? Could something have prevented this? Will I be the same as her? (One of the many reason’s I do not want kids, is because I do not want to find out)

I don’t want to mess up anyone’s Holiday, Mother’s should be celebrated. Especially the good/ present/ attentive ones! But I have to admit, when I see those meme’s/ posts with the words “There is no love like a Mother’s Love”….. OUCH! This is not everyone’s truth. I wish it could be, but it’s not. For those of you that had a Bio Mom’s love and attention for most of your life, give her the gratitude she deserves. And for those, like me, that were abandoned by their Mom, but were able to get their parenting elsewhere, show those bonus parents your Love. Happy Mother’s Day to my Stepmom and Gram; the ladies that raised me for the longest periods of time. And to my Half brother’s Mom! (For teaching me about the uncomfortable topics when no one else was around) Happy Mother’s Day to my Boyfriends Mom & Grandma too. 🙂 And I am grateful to my Bio Mom for giving birth to me, and for the small slivers of time we had together, you did have a way of making me smile.

The Veterans Club Podcast

Click link below to watch the full episode

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/lj-haywood-podcaster_mentalhealth-veterans-military-activity-7057128558413934594-tJKB?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_ios

I sat down with LJ Haywood and other veteran panelists to discuss the stigma associated with mental health in the military and veteran population. We also highlighted some excerpts from my book Unseen: Uncovering the Invisible wounds of military trauma. To order click on link below:

https://www.elisaescalante.com/books.html