You Need to Act ‘Right’

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-20-2023

It’s no secret that people compulsively run away from discomfort, or push away discomfort. They want to run away from emotions, push away other people’s emotions. They may want other’s to act or behave in a way that does not ‘trigger’ their emotions. With this comes the very prevalent and bad societal habit of ‘policing’ people. We do this by teaching and pushing our moral and behavioral agenda. “You should do this”, “You shouldn’t do that”. With the online world, this has reached expanding heights/ audiences. Now we can even police people behind the comfort of a screen, or attempt to, rather. I just watched a funny online Reel for example, and laughed out loud. I realized while I was laughing that it seemed like a video that had the potential to be slightly offensive. So I decided to check the comments. Sure enough, there were swarms of people judging the video and preaching about how ‘it’s wrong’ to talk that way. Meanwhile, other people ran to this person’s defense and reminded people to lighten up and learn to laugh. So, for today’s blog, I have decided to write out ‘how we are supposed to act’. Or, how we ‘would act’ if society got to have a say in every decision we made. These will be my educated guesses, of course.

You Need to Act ‘right’ when:

You are being verbally abused or harrassed at work You must either shut the harrasser down yourself in a brave fashion and move on with your life, or report them through the ‘proper channels’. Regardless of the fear of stigma or fear that you ‘will not be believed’. Forget about the fact that there is a history of cases where the victim was not believed, forget how popular your perpetrator is, ‘no one will be bias’. (sarcasm) You might get retraumatized when retelling your story to investigators over and over and over again as they ask questions that clearly lead to a ‘victim blaming’ agenda for the case. You also might feel ostracized by the rest of the work section as most of them will not be mature enough to just stay out of it and focus on their own work; but deal with it. Don’t act like a victim even if you were a victim. Keep doing your job and the investigation will just ‘sort itself out’. Also, don’t be shocked if people can’t understand why you might have PTSD and that it will surely impact your daily work, work through the trauma. Or, you can just quit your job that you worked so hard for. Money is a non issue right?

You are dealing with the aftermath of a toxic break up with an Abuser Yeah, you were abused, but, that’s over now. Get over it. Also, you should have seen it coming. You should see why ‘you were the problem too’. Take the time to be single, but don’t be single forever. Through all your pain just remember one day you will find ‘The one’! Just remember that all of your friends and family called it, they knew that person was bad for you, they didnt say much to your face… but whatever. They knew. Just know that they knew, and you didn’t. You’re actually stupid. If you were abused remember a part of it is your fault, develop that belief through all your pain and rage. Dont’ talk smack to the abuser or about the abuser ever, ‘rise above’. Remember to let everyone talk crap to you about how foolish you were, but also remember no one will ‘call out your abuser’ about the PoS that they were. Everyone confronts the victim, no one confronts the abuser. That’s life, deal with it. Oh, but if in ten years the abuser ends up killing someone, then you are at fault for ‘not outing them more’.

You are Online Mostly post positive and happy things to cheer people up, but remember if you do that too much you are triggering many people’s insecurities and you will be ‘arrogant’ for it. So don’t post too much about your success. Also, don’t post a lot of negativity because that comes with another label. Don’t post too much about politics at all! Otherwise you are spreading an agenda. But, make sure you post a picture of you with the “I voted” sticker come election year or else you are a hypocrite for not voting. What else? If you post too much, everyone will assume you are unemployed so be careful about that. And Selfies? They love them, as long as there isn’t too much make up or a heavy filter. Body pics where you have a hot body? Heck no, especially if you’re a women, then you are screaming for the wrong attention. Always like your friends baby and kid pictures, always like the ‘just married’ announcements/ pics even if it’s a known toxic and abusive relationship that your friend has been DMing you about for years. Post your significant other but not too little or too much! Too little means you’re trying ‘to look single’. Too much means you are obsessive and cringe. If you’re a writer? You’re F&%$ed, sorry to say it, but how do you even expect to compete with TikTok videos of all those people with tremendous ‘talent’? That’s comical, give up while you are ahead.

You are parenting ONLY breastfeed unless you have some serious problem preventing it… then… I guess you can use formula. Public school means you are poor and didn’t work hard, private school means they will be a snob, and homeschooling means they wont’ have social skills. Your house better be clean, always. Just like those Momfluencers on the Gram… let’s forget about the fact that they might have hired help with a rich spouse, you’re just making excuses if you bring that up. Mom, your body better be back to your pre pregnancy weight within months or else everyone is going to wonder what you are doing with your life. You know… besides raising kid’s and all. If you’re posting your kid that’s okay, not too much though or you’re giving their identity away to predators. If you’re a stay at home parent, be grateful, it’s a luxary. If you are a working parent, you are probably selfish because your kid isn’t getting enough attention. If you are a single parent, it’s your fault and you deserved it. The other parent isn’t here to blame so we will just blame you. If you are a stepparent you better post memes about ‘how you love those kid’s as if they were your own’, otherwise, you’re the most selfish of them all. And most importantly, NEVER complain about being a parent. EVER. You chose that life.

You are suffering from a Mental illness Yes, you are allowed to say that you have a mental health condition now. It’s more acceptable and people will call you brave if you put out the label. But, don’t give the details. No one wants details, they only want the word of the condition so they can know. Details are too overwhelming so you best keep a lid on that condition. If you’re depressed, get your damn sunlight and eat healthy. If you are anxious, just relax, and eat healthy. If you are traumatized, forget about it, and then eat healthy. If you have insomnia, just sleep, sleep is important, and then make sure you wake up and start eating. If you have ADHD, just focus better, and eat healthy. If you have an addiction, be sober, and eat healthy. If you have an eating disorder, well you really NEED to learn to eat HEALTHY! Bottom line, you are going to make people very uncomfortable if you don’t heal just by eating healthy and resting. So, pretend that holistic health will give you permanent healing, and if you need meds, don’t even mention it. Just don’t. Don’t tell people the biopsychosocial factors that contribute to your condition because that complex info will just give them a headache.

You are in formal education Do your classwork and homework, don’t interrupt the teacher of course. Make sure you raise your hand 1-2 times per class to contribute. Any less makes it appear that you did not do the required readings, anymore than that, then you are a ‘know it all’. Whatever political affilation your college has, that is now your poltiical affiliation too. If you appear to be on the fence of undecided, or on the opposite end of the political line, the classroom will swarm you like Bee’s until you run out crying. Only argue with the teacher when your Mom or Dad is a Doctor or Lawyer, that seems to work sometimes. But make sure you mention it, that’s important. It’s perfectly acceptable to pretend you know everything about a subject if you took one semester of it in college. Go with that… you’re “educated’ now. If you have a B, that is unacceptable. (despite even if you skipped half the classes that semester) You must be perfect, so be sure to swarm the teacher with last minute make up assignment requests in the last week before Finals. It always seems to work.

You are serving in the Military First and foremost, you signed up for this. So never complain. (Despite the fact that the rest of the population literally complains about college, parenting, civilian jobs and so on) You now have two set’s of laws to live by, the Uniformed code of military justice and the country laws. Keep track of all of them. Perform at 100%, 24/7. Get called into work in the middle of the night? Don’t complain. Work overtime with no overtime pay? Don’t complain. Get verbally abused by a ‘higher up’ in front of everyone you work with? Don’t complain. Deploy to a war zone? Don’t complain. Listen to everyone else whine about how hard their life is when you are in a war zone? Don’t complain, you fought to give them those rights. Get treated like crap when you return home by jealous coworkers and insecure civilians? Don’t complain. Don’t brag about it either. Hide your awards. Barely post yourself in uniform. There will be many movies that glamorize war, but, it’s for entertainment so don’t complain. Make sure you ‘move on’ after your military trauma. Get a new job and get on with life. Find a new sense of purpose, and learn to be happy with it.. even if it doesn’t give you 25% the adrenaline the military did. And despite the fact that Stats show Veterans have the highest rates of unemployment, chronic pain conditions, TBI, PTSD, substance abuse issues, homelessness and suicide… you’re still going to be treated as an outcast if you ‘fall apart’. So don’t!

34 Years

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-13-2023

After turning 34 years old I decided, well, let’s blog about this! it’s an interesting age, I’m definitely not old. But, I don’t feel young either. I suppose I am freshly baked and just came out the oven? I found myself telling my boyfriend recently that I feel like ‘this is the age where people aren’t telling you you are young and have plenty of time anymore’. It’s more, ‘well this is probably who you are and who you will be from now on’ age. But, I know logically, I am over reacting when I say that. I still have a lot to learn, and hopefully, more life ahead of me. Today I want to write out two lists. I want to write about the things that I have learned in my 34 years of life, as well as the things that still ‘puzzle me’, after 34 years of life. I also want to invite people to comment if they can relate or if they have an answer for me! I would love to hear from everyone, especially if you are older. Just for reference in case you do not know me, so far my life experience comes from: Childhood traumas, broken home’s, a military career, a deployment to a combat zone, a mental health career as a therapist and behavioral health consultant, various toxic relationships, one healthy relationship (so far!), over 9 years of martial arts training, publishing two books, home ownership and an on site glamping business.

What I have learned so far (In 34 years of living)

  • (Besides SOME parent to child relationships) There is NO such thing as unconditional love. Everyone has conditions with relationships, and, everyone SHOULD have conditions for a healthy relationship.
  • Just because someone acts kind and interested in you, does not mean they truly like you. They might have ulterior motives.
  • You cannot ‘earn’ someone’s love or respect. They either want to give it to you, or they don’t. If they refuse, despite all your effort, then let them go.
  • We are unconciously conditioning people on how to treat us with every single interaction. Hence, if I pretend I have my shit together 24/7 and help people 24/7, they are conditioned to see me as the ‘stress free/ go to person’ anytime they need help.
  • Some people are dead set on lying, manipulating, cheating and screwing people over in this life, and no amount of ‘good’ that you do will ever change that.
  • Social work/ Therapy is actually not a very rewarding profession in the grand scheme of things. A lot of people get what they need to get from you, then leave. There’s usually no statues, memorials or newpapers shouting our names from the roof tops, because it’s confidential, and no one wants to admit they needed help.
  • Even my drive to help other’s and push to be the best version of myself was ego driven. The gratification of praise and reward soothes the ego. But, it’s not valuable if it’s not meaningful.
  • Sometimes you will work your absolute best, and bend over backwards for something, and get ZERO reward for it. Sometimes you will work or train like a professional, but never become a professional.
  • Most people will never truly appreciate diversity, because there is too much comfort in the familiar for them. I’m not just talking about diversity in nationalities and cultures, but also; diverse opinions.
  • Our medical technological advancements are so insanely good, that we are living much longer even despite extremely, ever growing, unhealthy habits. It’s both pitiful and miraculous.
  • Success takes more than just ‘wanting it bad enough’. It takes work ethic, wisdom, sacrifice, being calculated, consistency, resources, support systems, and more. But, there is still no such thing as a guarantee recipe to success, ever.
  • Humans must undo a tremendous amount of social pressure before they can even begin to explore ‘how to build a peaceful life for themselves’. (Notice I didn’t say happy… I said peaceful)
  • The one thing no one can avoid is: Suffering

In 34 years of life, this is still what Puzzles me:

Q- Why does everyone still subscribe to the notion of: Get married, have kids and live ‘happily ever after’ when there has been (quite literally) a tremendous amount of proof that that lifestyle is not a guarantee of 24/7 happiness?

Q- How come some adult people do not comprehend how innapropriate it is to ask people for favors and money over and over and over and over and over again?

Q- Why do people expect things of their partners that they aren’t capable of doing for themselves? For example “You need to make money” (mean while they don’t make any money). Or “You should work, pay bills and clean the house when you get home” (meanwhile they just work and pay some bills and never clean) or “You should eat clean and workout and have a great body” (meanwhile they have an average body) etc etc etc etc

Q- Why do we still base a man’s value off of performance, status or money alone? And why do we still base a woman’s value off of looks, cooking/ cleaning skills, and agreeability alone?

Q- Why do people still barely value mental health education? Our brain is an essential organ for daily living for crying out loud.

Q- How do people use screens for 10+ hours a day and still live in a denial that leads them to believe it has ‘no impact on their deteriorating mental health…’?

Q- Why are there a bunch of basement’s in the upper east coast of the U.S. when it’s prone to floods, and way less basement’s in the central South part of the U.S. where it would be helpful for Tornado’s?

Q- Why did people feel entitled to ‘five star quality’ service during a pandemic that led to mandating an extremely high amount of layoffs; leading to a slim margin of overworked burnt out employees left to do everything by themselves? (With very little bonuses, over time and/ or hazard compensation I might add)

Q- Why do we still believe we can talk people into or out of things? Especially major life decisions such as whether or not to get married. Whether or not to have kid’s. Whether or not to go for a certain career path. How to think. What type of lifestyle works for them and so on.

Q- Why am I so terrified of death all of a sudden? (Well not so much now, but, essentially between the ages of 29-33)

Q- I totally see now that we have a major energy depletion when we hit our thirties, but, do we get some magical energy in our forties? I’m wondering because I feel like ass, but I know a lot of people in their forties that say they feel ‘amazing and rejuvinated’…..???? (Is this largely dependant on my daily habits in the next 6 years or so?)

Again, feel free to comment and give me your life wisdom’s please!

When the Patients Gave me Therapy

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-30-2023

“There are many different types of strength in this world; mental fortitude is a tremendous one. The reality is, you cannot measure someone’s mental fortitude, because you will never be in their mind to feel how much they are suffering through.” -EaE

I’ve had this amazing ability to numb out what my patients have told me, even if it’s exactly like something I had once experienced. But, it can go both ways. I will either numb it out, or feel it too heavily. Either way it can be a problem. But, not every therapy experience offers more trauma. Some therapy sessions I have given over the years have healed me in some way. It heals to help people. It heals to feel hope again. It feels good to also know that I am helping, a change agent, in a very positive way. They also have their own incredible tips and advice’s that they share with me. Things that they do to cope and help themselves feel better, affirmations that help get them through life, and struggles that end up turning into triumphs. Working with people, and seeing people, underneath those hardened shells is a beautiful thing. We are all covered in some type of protective layering after all. There is therapy in the therapeautic process.

The patient that had toxic relationships like mine “I will never trust anyone again. I will never be able to have someone look me in the eyes and tell me that they love me and for me to believe them”. This is what he stated after a break up led him to homelessness and then in an inpatient hospital due to suicidal thoughts and plans. After which he wound up living at his ex Wive’s w/ his teen kids; ‘an embarrassment and failure’ in his eyes. Though it hurt to hear someone talk so badly about themselves there was a deep part of me that understood it. I understood what it felt like to never want to trust again. When you give your all to a person that betrays you and throws you away like you meant nothing to them. To want to give up with living because you cannot see any hope for anything else. I was careful with him as to not chase him away. He needed patience because no one else was going to give him that. I completely normalized the concept of ‘being single forever’, because the reality is, that is an option. And you have the right to that if that’s what you need. (After two years post hospitalization, he actually did date again, and he took his sweet time!) It was good for me to see all of this. Because I came from one bad relationship into another one rather quickly; and the demise of the second relationship landed me in a very similiar spot as him. He will never know how much I thought about his strength through my own post relationship mental shocks/ hardships.

The patient that Sabotaged themselves into Homelessness Honestly, he felt impossible at times. He showed up, he left. Weeks away without communication and then prolonged 2-3 hour sessions when he was back just to catch me up. When he was around our clinic, he dug through the trash for food, I always did him the solid of pretending not to notice. The reason he was homeless? Very complex issues dealing with people in general. He couldn’t handle his room mates, so he gave up and packed up and left. He couldn’t handle his GF half the time? So he would run off and sleep in his car half the time, and couch surf with friends half the time. It took him months to admit he was homeless, I actually had to tell him he was; denial. It took months for me to forcibly take him down the hall to apply for food stamps; he did so reluctantly. It took almost 2 years for him to admit he had a history of sexual trauma during his military service. Through the process of helping him, I could see the barriers through every step. I saw the sabotage and in follow up sessions I could explain it to him: “Why are you picking a fight with the receptionist? They have nothing to do with anything besides checking you in?” “Don’t argue with your VA examiner, they simply need to get the info, write it and submit it.” “Providers are less likely to hear you when you are raising your tone”. Trauma and anxiety kept him in an endless loop of sabotaging resources prior to my treatment with him. By the time I was close to resigning from the VA, we got him to 100% Permanent and total disability. (This typically pays Veterans over 3,500 a month in NYC) The pride I had in helping the most ‘sabotagy person ever’ get what he needs was insurmountable. He cried with gratitude over our phone call when he learned he would finally be 100% VA compensated.

The only patient that made me Cry in session (non intentional of course) During covid timeframe, one of my elderly patients passed away; it was likely Pneumonia and covid together at the age of 88. He was not only an individual client but he was a part of one of the PTSD groups I facilitated. I had to tell each individual group member seperately on the phone (teletherapy) about this significant loss. One of the Vets told me that ‘this is why we (Veterans) don’t get close to people, we lose them too much, too young and too often’. Luckily I was on the phone because that line struck a cord. I had already lost too much, too young, and too often. And it made all the sense in the world, how isolated us Veterans truly are. I never dealt with grief in ‘an appropriate manner’. I always shut down, and still do. I’m like a faucet that closes tight, and occassionally I’ll release the valve a little but just to let a few tears out. But pretty soon I shut it tight again. Why? I’ve always worked way too hard and been way too busy to ‘fall a part’ so to speak. But during that phone session, I let all of that go and I grieved my patient with my other patient.

The patient that was neglected in the same way I was Anytime a child patient vents often about their parents, I like to pose the question of: “What is the purpose of parents? What are they supposed to do for you?” This 8 y/o client of mine answered with “They technically don’t have to do anything for us….”. That’s when I knew that I understood her on a deeper level than most, and she understood my childhood on a deeper level than most. Disheartening neglect that leaves you feeling unworthy of anything good. I’m not talking about simply: “My parents weren’t around much”. In this specific case, we both grew up with biological Mom’s that drugged themselves to a point of being too incapacitated to care for us. Sometimes all day, or multiple days. She had the added factor of her Mom telling her “I never wanted you in the first place”. I had the added factor of my Mom dropping me off with strangers so she could go off and party. She dealt with her deep voids by acting out in anger to get attention. I dealt with my deep void by going numb and pretending I never needed anyone, or anything, ever. I helped her learn to appreciate her Stepmom who was always present, in the way that I appreciated mine, though I rarely showed it. Because neglected kid’s will find a present and active parent to be an intrusive and ‘annoying one’. But, they are really just trying to do their job! And unlike our biological Mom’s, our Stepmoms did the most important thing for us: they stayed.

The patient that refused to work despite being able bodied This patient was a 2X Iraqi War Vet who was raised by 1st generation ‘Islanders’. He was taught that essentially you live to work and work and work some more. And that he did, he worked his ass off in High school, he worked his ass off when he would go to college in spurts, he worked many odd jobs before, during, and after his military reserve career. He obviously worked his ass off in Iraq and sustained PTSD & TBI injuries. By the time he came to my office he had not worked a job in almost 8 years. It became clear through our sessions he was ‘concientiously objecting the American work force’. It was almost like his own mini ‘silent strike’ against Capitalism. He also struggled to finish his BA because of undiagnosed brain injuries; I eventually referred him to neuropsychology for testing which confirmed this. My first compulsion was like anyone else’s would be; to empower him to get back to work. But when I recognized he was at a severe ‘stuck point’ in his life, I took the opposite approach. I accepted him as he was. We talked and talked and discovered and untangled and laughed and yelled and educated each other for about two years until he finally decided to try a ‘Part time Temporary job’, and he did it! He reminded me that a person’s value is not just about what they are doing in that moment; performance, productivity, money etc. I saw so much value in him even while he was unemployed on purpose and living with his Mom with only 50% VA disability. Living within his means and trying to simply… live. With meaningful connections, friendships, and even an intimate relationship.

The patient that had Social anxiety like mine This was a moment in time where I realized that I was giving such ‘incredible advice’ that the patient realized I had the same issue as him: Social anxiety. His Question during my rant: “Wait how do you understand this so well? Do you have the same problem as me??” I just went ahead and admitted it, YES. I have severe social anxiety. Put me in an area where bombs are going off before you put me in a room to speak publicly in front of eyeballs glaring at me. And I can actually vouch for this because bombs from enemy combatants on my FOB did not cause my “fight or flight” system nearly the stress that public speaking did. The root cause comes from external and internal factors blending together to cause a deep seated fear of judgement. But why? Well because we already judge ourselves. It’s the fear that our self judgements will be validated as true, yet again. Because in our childhood we dealt with traumas from others that led us to believe we are unworthy, incapable, wrong. We fear being seen and judged because we already believe to our core that our existence and our mannerisms are wrong. We come off as uncertain, because we are always uncertain. We fear other peoples judgments but overall, we fear our judgment the most. It’s a never ending self degrading cycle. The healing process must start with self acceptance.

The patient that recognized my personal crisis When I had to call it quits with my life in NYC, I had to do a closing session with every client. I made up a story that my Dad was ill and that I needed to go home and be with him. My Dad is still okay though, thankfully! The truth was too embarrassing. I got dumped by my fiancé at the time, he decided to leave me for a much younger girl we had coached at our gym. I was so mentally shocked that I didn’t have it in me to keep working for the VA, I was already burnt out. As I made plans to pack my shit and go move in with my Dad I was also studying for my advanced independent therapist licensing exam. This was a MISERABLE month; especially because I had to keep living with him (ex). Day after day I broke the news (lies) to my clients, one girl knew better though. (She had an extensive trauma history primarily due to the men in her past life) She asked me: “what about your fiancé, is he going to CA with you?” And I said “I don’t know we haven’t decided..”. She concluded by telling me “you get away from that guy, you don’t need any man. You got this”. Essentially, she told me that she knew it was a heartbreak I was dealing with, and she encouraged me to push forward. 💪🏼✅ (I dodged a rocket)

Possessed with Cravings

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-09-2023

Emptiness, Ravenous, Dead unless, I get the fix. Compulsiveness, explosiveness, shame commenced, I lost again. Punishment, was Glutenous. Deserving of, this Sickness. Starve again, Binge again, it never ends, Purge this sin. -EaE

How can I explain it? Imagine you are sitting in your car and you make every effort to get into the drivers seat. But someone else takes over. They drive for you, and no matter how much you want to drive, you can’t. You are just along for the ride, a ride that you do not want to take. A ride that you have forbidden yourself from, yet, there’s another person inside of you that wants the opposite for you. Was I two people? Do I sound crazy yet? I recently started to describe food addiction and eating disordered cravings to be nothing short of being ‘possessed’. Every client I have discussed this with has agreed to some extent. As they too, have felt that helpless feeling of losing control of themselves. It’s like your body goes into an autopilot toward something you swore you did NOT want, while your mind screams at you as the body acts in ways that are out of your control. And then, you accept defeat. The ‘demon’ in you won, yet again. You deserve punishment, and why? Because everyone told you that you did, and because society punishes you anyways, so you might as well reinforce it with more punishment.

People that do not have food addictions or eating disorder’s don’t understand these types of cravings. Why? Because their bodies ONLY crave the nutritional requirements that it takes to keep them fueled. That’s what a ‘normal’ hunger cue does for people. It will ensure that they get fed/ fueled for the day ahead of them. Why doesn’t everyone have a normal hunger cue? Why does everyone have different levels of cravings? How come some people have ‘full cues’ and other people do not? Most of the answers to these questions came to me after I became a behavioral health consultant for Primary care. In this role, I have to give people ‘evidenced based interventions’, in other words, they should leave my office with paper. Either psychoeducation, instructions toward relaxation or cognitive work, or smart goals/ schedules geared toward more behavioral activation. I wanted to help my eating disordered clients, I already knew the risk of just telling them to ‘eat less, and exercise more’. It’s the same thing I heard my entire life, which led to my eating disorder in the first place.

I found an amazing free packet of screenings/ interventions known as EDIT (Eating disorder intuitive therapy) online; created by Dr. Dorie McCubbrey. From what I could tell, it was the perfect way to work with eating disorders on a time constraint; as I only get 30 min per patient, so take home worksheets are essential. One of my favorite worksheets is known as ‘The 3 Reason’s why we Eat’. 1- Hunger, 2- Appetite, and 3- Comfort. A non food addict or eating disordered individual only eats for hunger. That is the actual reason to eat. That’s our body’s way of getting it’s needs met. If you are hungry, you should eat. What’s Appetite? Appetite is something that get’s set off when we develop strong triggers that lead us to have the urge to eat more. Food addicts have very heavy appetites that can get set off from things like: smells, visions; either in person or commercials/ ads or banners and fast food signs, hearing people talk about food, and/ or memories of how delicious food tastes. Going down a grocery aisle with chips was a big example for me. Or smelling french fries while I passed a Mcdonalds sign on my way home from work. Even celebrations can trigger appetite! Why? Some cultures are taught that when you are happily celebrating, you eat. It can become ingrained into your daily habits. Therefore a simple party can even trigger the appetite.

And comfort? Yes, some people eat to comfort themselves. Food creates biochemical changes in our brain which can help relieve depression, anxiety, lonliness, stress etc. When I go over this section of the guide, I ask people to identify their emotional triggers. Most people, if they think hard enough about it, can think of at least 1-2 emotions that immediately cause them the urge to eat, as they know matter of factly that the food will relieve said emotion. Most people with Eating disorders have higher appetite triggers and higher emotional triggers that cause an urge to binge for comfort. That being said, they are no longer eating ‘just for hunger’, they are eating due to a high appetite, and due to mood swings that need instant relief. It becomes an eating disorder when the shame drives them toward a cycle of restricting food, binging food, and/ or purging their food. Why do they do this? Because society told them that they ‘should be thinner’. Society told them that their behaviors deserve shame, and heavy corrective actions. And then we get a double edged sword situation…. “Eating disorder so that I am ‘not fat’, or no eating disorder and then I remain fat? Both are very ‘unhealthy’, what the hell do I do???”

What are the corrective actions that are taken with an ill mind? It’s important to always note, that a healthy mind will take healthy activities and thrive. An ill mind, will take the same ‘healthy activities’, and make them unhealthy. The restrict, binge and purge cycle tends to go as follows: Shame, restrict food, starve and then get the urge to binge, binge and then get the urge to purge it out, more shame and then cycle repeats. What does our mind tell us through this? Here are some examples: “I shouldn’t have eaten that, now I need to punish myself by running on the treadmill for hours.” “If I do not workout everyday, I will get fat”. “I can’t have a single carb, if I do I will get fat and regret it”. “I did everything I could possibly do and I still gained a pound, I need to do even more”. Inevitably, due to all of this exhausting effort, many will get a case of the ‘Fuck it’s’ at some point. Examples: “Fuck it, I’ll never lose weight now matter how hard I try so I’m done trying”, “I’m sick and tired of depriving myself I’m going to eat what I want”. Eventually the behaviors lead back to self hatred, shame, the urge to restrict, and then the urge to binge again.

The only reason I am able to break this down so well now, is because I am in remission and have roughly an 80-90% handle on my food addiction & eating disorder. But make no mistake, when it was at it’s worse (in my early to mid twenties), it was AWFUL. Back to those cravings, those cravings could drive me to do very unusual things. I ate things that were not meant for human consumption sometimes. I would go through two or more drive throughs back to back. I recall eating so much I couldn’t move; horrendous stomach aches. I ate an entire jar of peanut butter one time, the next day I felt sludge pumping through my vains. My binges were quite extreme, I loved to do them with a TV binge and then I would feel this euphoria followed by an extreme low with crying spells. And my restriction efforts? Weighing myself ten or more times a day. Changing outfits over and over until I found one that didn’t make me look ‘fat’. Eating under 1K calories a day or less. Taking many progress pictures and feeling the high of the compliments that I recieved on social media. My purges? Spitting out my food if I did not want the calories in me after all. Using laxatives, especially if I had a BJJ competition coming up. Exercising in extreme amounts; frequency and time. Up to 6-7 workouts a week; usually 90 min to 2 hours long. Dehydrating myself for the sake of competition weight and waking up nauseas. (it’s easier to justify eating disordered behavior when you’re an athlete by the way; its for the sake of the sport!) My Body dysmorphia also led me to misrepresent myself. I sucked in my tummy since the age of 11. That helped me during military waist measurements; I could always get full points. (It’s easier to justify these behaviors when you are in a military oganization; as they push people to do unhealthy things for the sake of fitness)

My very first therapist decided he wanted to focus on my eating disorder. Why? Because I came to him while I was busy in Grad school, complaining that I was getting fat, and I wanted to work on losing the weight. I was too busy and tired to keep up the effort; I felt like a failure. Something very important that this therapist taught me that I try to teach my weight management clients in primary care; It’s not the behaviors that we must address right away, first and foremost, we must untangle our minds. Once again, an Eating disordered mind is too ‘tangled up’ to comprehend ‘just eat right and workout’. You know what they hear instead? “You’re fat, punish yourself with workouts, deprive yourself by starving. Be miserable, because you will never be able to have what you want.” And one of two things will likely happen with that blanketed cliche advice; we will either punish ourselves with the same unhealthy cycle of restrict, binge and purge, or we will naturally rebel against the advice and go back to the ‘fucks its’ of compulsive eating and trying not to care anymore. Either way, nothing ever changes, if our mind never changes.

Below is my list of ‘healthy thoughts related to food/ body image that I have worked on this past year. I give it to almost every weight management client that has a food addiction and/ or eating disorder. It’s what I wish I was told, it’s what I hope everyone can read. I wouldn’t wish this disorder on anyone.

The cognitive reframing- (Healthy thoughts related to Food & Body)

  • I’m hungry, therefore I should eat.
  • If I’m hungry later, I can eat more of this. But I’m full now, therefore I’ll put it away and do something else.
  • It’s normal for our body to scrunch up or have rolls when we sit or bend.
  • It’s normal for weight to fluctuate, and it’s okay to have a variation of clothes sizes for when this happens.
  • A change in diet and workout routine can alter my appearance, but it cannot change my genetics. (Take the time to distinguish the difference)
  • Forbidden foods will only exacerbate my urge to restrict and then (or) binge/ purge. I will eat what I want, and I will strive to practice moderation.
  • I love _____________________ about my body.
  • My body requires certain nutrients that I want to strive to give it.
  • I deserve clothes that I feel comfortable and attractive in.
  • Numbers NEVER tell the whole story. More importantly, how do I feel?
  • People may throw unsolicited advice at me regularly, but they do not know what my goals are. I’ll take what’s helpful and discard the rest.
  • My negative thought(s) regarding my body could stem from mental abuse from people that were projecting their own bodily insecurities onto me.
  • My negative thought(s) regarding my body could also be from societal pressures from businesses that stand to gain money when/ if I’m feeling insecure.

Elisa Escalante/ LCSW

Medication taught me that my Mind had a chemical imbalance of some sort

I’m not a neurologist or a psychiatrist, I am a social worker. So I cannot break this down in an intellectual way. I will do my best though. I was prescribed naltrexone from the VA to help with my food/ weed cravings. I have been taking it for over a year now. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel a ravenous craving toward food or drugs. And, for the first time in my life, I feel ‘full cues’ when I’m eating. At first, all I could really tell my friends was that “I actually feel kind of normal now”, what I presume normal feels like anyways. A normalcy of ‘food not being on my mind 24/7’, a normalcy of ‘not feeling a possessed urge to gravitate toward food always’. The normalcy of “Oh I’m getting full, I’ll put this food away”. I had already had some great progress with my cognitive work in individual and group therapy for my eating disoder, but the medication supplemented my progress. It gave me that extra boost I knew I needed, and I am not ashamed of it. It’s not my fault my brain is this way. I am instead, proud that I had the courage to ask for help. I’m also no longer excessively workout out, I am making every effort to manage and/ or lose weight with healthier eating and ZERO shame. What helps is that I also really love to cook! (The talk of medication offends some people, and I want to give a disclaimer that I am NOT telling people to use naltrexone, I am simply discussing a medication that works well for ME)

In conclusion: There will always be shamers unfortunately

As much as I wish the world could become a kinder place, that is not fully in my control. Realistically, we aren’t getting kinder. For example, now there are more plus sized models and clothing brands recognizing that people vary in size and shape. And for everyone of those ads, you will see some keyboard warrior commenting on how everyone wants to ‘glorify obesity’ these days. Little do they know, these same people on the ads that they spew hate at, have made tremendous efforts to lose weight. Efforts that they could not even fathom. They have also been shamed in ways that they could not even fathom. Shame does not help people, helping people helps people. We help by educating, we help by encouraging, we help by assisting, we help by recognizing efforts no matter how big or small. These types of people that shame, they think they are helping but actually doing the opposite, they are causing more harm. They are fatphobic and yet, ironically using language that will promote more of the cycle they supposedly want to stop. Don’t BE THEM. Be a part of the solution, please.

Sob Stories

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 08-05-2023

“I have felt pain without religion, distraction, drugs or love.” -EaE

There was a time (that I briefly experienced as a young girl in the 1990’s and a teen in the 2000’s) where sob stories were taboo. Talking about sad things and sad feelings was forbiddin and frowned upon. Poverty and sob stories were teased and shamed while riches and prosperity were glamorized and congratulated. The norm was to ‘not have a sob story’, and if you did have one, you HIDE it and pretend it never happened. If you tried to bring it up, you were met with statements of: “It’s in the past, don’t think about it anymore”, or “It shouldn’t effect you anymore because it’s in the past”. In the later 2000’s to present day, I noticed a shift. I noticed it professionally while I worked in the mental health clinic as an Air Force mental health receptionist. We went from having two reluctant intakes a week, to about 2 new intakes a day. People slowly but surely started to flood our offices, voluntarily, to talk about their problems. In a military organization of all places… where the stigma is even stronger compared to that of our civilian population.

What happened? As more people started to open up about mental health concerns, more people started to realize that sometimes, it’s normal to have problems. Sob stories are the norm? Mental health symptom flair ups are normal? Someone is suffering from what I am suffering from? You mean, I can actually talk about my depression and anxiety and anger without being put in a straight jacket and locked into a padded room?! Some people were still very nervous about getting help of course, but there was also plenty of people that loved the idea of it and recommended it to their friends and family members. We noticed more people walking their friends to the mental health clinic, and waiting for them in the waiting room.

Fast foward to 2020, the Covid pandemic created a different sort of epidemic: An influx of human beings rushing to online therapy and mental health clinics. At this point it was no longer ‘just becoming a norm’, it was a full fledged overwhelm on the mental health & social services systems. I had only been a licensed social worker for just shy of a few years when the pandemic hit; I was absolutely not trained for what came next. Statements of “Everyone should have a therapist”, “Don’t be afraid to seek help”, and “Mental health is just as important as physical health” became the norm. Social workers and therapists overall started to prove their worth as the need was so strong. We even started finally getting realistic pay for the amount of work we do.

What was the strangest thing for me during the pandemic? If I’m being honest, it was actually the first time in my entire life that I was ‘more ill’ than at least half if not more than half of my patients. Meaning my PTSD, hypersomnia, and depression began to flair up to the point of severe levels, while many of my clients at the time were able to quarantine and receive unemployment and tame their mental health concerns. But, because of the nature of a mandated quarantine along with the 24/7 access of screens, they still demanded regular therapy. The talks were no longer about how to cope with mental illness, but more so, how angry they were about the day to day; the smaller things. Their grubhub order or Instacart order was delivered incorrectly. The President said X, Y, Z. Being cooped up in a small dusty Brooklyn apartment really sucked, but… they could not ever go outside because people don’t comply with masks and social distancing.

My boundaries were so poor, and I could not deny it any longer because the consequences of those poor boundaries began to rear their ugly head during the pandemic. Sometimes, for some people, Therapy can become addicting. And if they also get a sense of ‘entitlement’ with their therapy, it becomes a cyclical effect of burning out their therapist, codependency on their therapist, and then in turn issues with self advocating, taking accountability and/ or self soothing when they are alone. Remember I say ‘SOME’, not all mental health clients, just… “SOME’. I had some clients that were amazing with boundaries; clients that would remind me that our hour was up and never keep me a minute past their hour. But then, I also had clients that made numerous attempts to call me between sessions to squeeze in additional phone sessions throughout the week. I even had a client yell at me if I didn’t answer their many call attempts between their sessions. (It didn’t seem to occur to some people that my caseload was overflowing due to the pandemic and I barely had 5 minutes for lunch some days… let alone a whole extra session or phone call). All that mattered was, there was another sob story, and then the next day, another. And then, another.

Working for my particular Vet center was a nightmare, they gave me a work cell and told me to call my own clients when I got sick so that they did not come in. This is absolutely a receptionists job. There’s a reason for that. When I called patients to tell them I could not come in to work because I was sick, at least a couple of them wanted to talk to me regardless. Even on my days off, I couldn’t get a day off. My health was deteriorating. I recall reading about America’s ‘Mass resignation” from the years of 2020 to… well present day most likely. I am a part of this mass resignation and so are plenty of other therapists, nurses, teachers and so on. Meanwhile other jobs have grown rampantly; life coaches, mental health ‘influencers’ etc. I first noticed TikTok in 2019 or 2020; people also loved sharing their sob stories online now. Some people have specific niche’s on Instagram and TikTok to talk about mental health. Survivors sharing their stories, therapists sharing evidenced based coping tools, and even Randoms’ that had ‘one psych class’ many many years ago sharing their ‘knowledge’. I saw some amazing stories and some amazing advice, I also saw some pretty awful advice that made me cringe over the years.

Going to people for an emotional outlet is NOT inherently a bad thing. It used to be so feared that we had to insist to many that it was beneficial. But, now we live in opposite times where it is insisted upon. I learned about the term “Ableism”, meaning when you are easily able to do something that someone else cannot, and then in turn you may feel superior to them or egotistical about your own skills. I do agree with the term, but not always how it is thrown around. After all, how can you know that something comes ‘easier to someone else’ than it does to you per say? What if, they are trying harder than you through their own mental health conditions? Mental health conditions that they choose not to share? After all, they are still invisible wounds until they are talked about. Some people use ‘ableism’ to suggest that ‘they are unable to do anything’ because they are ‘more ill than most people’ and ‘suffer more than most people’. For some people, this may be true, but for many, it is not. In general, most humans have a great capacity for some things, and a very limited capacity for others. Most people have general talents, and things they struggle with. And, most people suffer from some type of physical and/ or mental illness of some sort at some point in their lives.

Don’t Enable

Enabling someone that has an endless amount of sob stories could look like giving them free therapy or free emotional outlets 24/7 while that person has no intention of making any positive changes to their life. It could look like helping someone the moment they put themselves in a victim role; over and over again. It could look like giving someone money often because they are always ‘in a bind’. I’m not talking about onesies and twosie incidents by the way. It’s normal for people to struggle and to need help sometimes. I am talking about behavioral themes. I am talking about when something becomes a pattern. We can enable people in general; our peers and family members or even ‘helpless’ coworkers that should really be learning to do their job and pulling their weight. And, as I discussed earlier therapists can enable their clients too. Despite what some people may think, mental health therapy is NOT meant to victimize people and lead them to believe that they are ill to the point of ‘helplessness’. We can do just as much harm convincing someone they are helpless as we can when we judge someone for having hardships. I don’t want to see either extreme on the spectrum.

Empower

What I love about new school therapy is that it is meant to empower people. Let’s explore your mental health conditions and/ or your social problems and empower you to find a way to tailor your life accordingly. How can you heal? How can you overcome? How can you persevere? What changes should be made? How can we motivate you to make those changes? What are your stuck points? How can we help you get through them? What’s the best way to self care? Are you taking your rest days and are you also making sure your good days are productive and helpful? The spirit of therapy is not to give people an endless supply of ‘vent sessions’, it is to help empower them to take positive actions in their life and overcome their struggles. I am all for ‘more sob stories being shared’, I am not for the idea that we portray someone as ‘helpless’ just because they have a sob story. I have found that being in a role as a behavioral health consultant for primary care helps me help others. Why? I have to give people ‘evidenced based interventions’ during most appointments, I have to encourage them to create goals and work toward self management. This role is better for me, and it makes me a better clinician for the patients.

You can Sob while you ‘put the work in’

There is nothing that says that when you are having a hard time, ‘you must be helpless through it.’ What does your intuition actually tell you? Or, what does your therapist tell you assuming you cannot trust your intuition? For example, I can get so depressed that my body goes into a zombie state and my mind goes into a fog. I know I must get outside and move; though my body and mind tell me otherwise. It’s so hard that sometimes I’m walking .000001 miles an hour and barely able to pay attention to my surroundings, but I know I’m doing the right thing. I’ve cried through workouts, and work. Sometimes I step away for a bit, and eventually I do get back to my goals. Some people have panic attacks at work and need to use their break and do their deep breathing exercises. Some people have anger outbursts and instead of taking it out on their family they have their alone time in a room where they can punch things. Then, they get back to their family after they used their anger diversion/ outlet. Many people grieve while they go about daily life. They take some time to be by themselves, and they take some time to be with others, and they take some time to distract themselves into oblivion. There are many ways we can balance sobbing, panicking, anger, grief, stress with both nothingness and productivity. Find the ritual that works for you. You deserve to live at your most optimal state of being.

Pathological

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 07-25-2023

“Peace and content are not ways in which we settle. They are the goals after a life of horror and trauma. I don’t want to be high, I want to be steady.” -EaE

Now a days, I talk to my clients about ‘Tornado people”. The types of people that suck you in, beat you up, and then spit you out while you are all dazed, bleeding and confused. Narcissists, histrionic’s, pathological liars and/ or Antisocial (sociopaths) types. But, it’s not really about a disorder per say, it’s about intentions. If someone intends to lie to get their needs met, and they completely disregard someone else’s needs, they are the most dangerous people. When they lack empathy and the ability to care, they have the upper hand as far as being able to control another person’s emotions. It’s easy to ‘win’ when you have no remorse and no sense of accountability. And even if they do not win, it’s easy to walk away unscathed when you literally don’t care about anyone besides yourself. My first two long term relationships were much like this. A nine year relationship with a pathological liar and a 3 year relationship with a narcissist that was also a pathological liar. Sometimes I look back and wonder which one is scarier. The 9 year guy was never ‘mean’ on a surface level. He didn’t yell, he didn’t drug, he didn’t ‘party’ per say, he did not ‘control me’. He was this really ‘kind person’ on the outside that also happened to be a seriel cheater and liar. Then, the 3 year guy was a very overt narcissist. He was a very obvious asshole, and some of my friends even warned me.

I can at least say this for a fact: living under the same roof with pathological liars for 12 years in total destroyed my brain. After it was all said and done I had rage episodes. I could not tell right from wrong. I questioned my own sanity. I questioned myself and if I was, in fact, the bad one? I questioned what I did to deserve it. I believed I DID deserve it. I often questioned how in the world they can live with themselves in the aftermath, so much more carefree than I was. I am aware that these terms are getting used often. But let me give you the distinction. How do you know the difference between someone that is harmful and toxic vs someone that is more or less innocent? It’s all in the intentions. Was I perfect? Absolutely NOT. I am a human and I made mistakes. But, my intentions were good. I never in my life set on a path to purposely hurt a soul. In my path, I accidently hurt people. But, a toxic abusive person is on a path to intentionally harm and bull doze others while pretending to be ‘perfectly innocent’ and taking zero accountability. That’s the true difference.

They Lie, lie and lie again. And when you catch them, they lie some more

Everyone’s first go to is to shove the ‘red flags’ in your face and make you feel like a clown. I would have to guess that this could be a defense mechanism on everyones part. It’s easy to believe ‘you cannot be the victim because you see red flags better’. But, a true pathological liar will Never sport their red flags. They paint them GREEN with sparkly glitter on top. They have no issue’s lying to get their way. And a naive person that RARELY lies, like myself, would believe the lie. Why? Because, ‘Why would they LIE???” If you are someone that values honesty and truth telling and you live by that practice, then you cannot fathom why someone would be a liar. You just can’t relate to it. You will never get it. Most of the people I have had in depth conversations with, clients and friends, that admitted to me about their lying habits told me it was typically one of 2 reasons. “They had nothing growing up, and they needed to lie to pretend they were something.” Or, “they got in trouble regardless of their behavior (from their parents), so they figured they might as well lie to get the better option” (less punishment). Hence, pathological lying typically starts out as a psychological defense mechanism. How does this look in a real life situation? I’ll use my 3 year recent ex as an example first. When I first got with him, he had a ’35 dollar an hour job, with a 10K savings bond.’ Then, 3 weeks after we committed to moving in together, that same job ‘cut his hours’ out of no where. Then weeks later, they stopped giving him hours all together and he was broke, and no access to the ‘savings bond’. When he was broke, his “Baby Mom must have robbed him”. Not just lie after lie, but sob stories as well.

When they truly cannot lie anymore because they are truly caught, ‘it’s your fault‘.

(3 yr ex) It was my fault for ‘catching him’. It was my fault for having ‘high standards that made him feel like he had to lie to get with me’. It was my fault for pressuring him or making him insecure to a point he ‘had to lie’ to save face. It was my fault for making him work a job he hates because I needed help with bills and he needed to pay his damn child support anyways. He did not shove me to the ground, he just touched me “and I fell over” and it was because I ‘made him angry’. With my ex ex of 9 years, it was the fact that ‘he didn’t want me to feel bad’. “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you”. (Never mind the fact that the truth along with the lie is more painful than ‘just the truth itself’.) “I lie because you will just over react, like you did before”. Meaning, the time I over reacted the last time I caught him in a lie where it appeared he was probably cheating early on in the relationship. But, ‘he wasn’t cheating, he was just being nice to this girl and took her out on a date because he also ‘felt bad for her’. No matter what the rhyme or reason is, they are ‘never lying and cheating’ because of their own charactoer flaws. They will always project it back onto you. You you you. Accountability is not a part of a pathological liars toolbox. Why? Because accountability requires truth telling. They have no capacity for it…or they refuse to learn to try. Like the concept of an old dog trying new tricks. They would rather stick with the old.

It’s not just you. It’s a Pattern that stemmed before you, and will continue after you

With the nine year ex, I saw the pattern continue unintentionally for the longest time. Women would DM me. Random women, asking about his character because they had their suspicions. The first time it happened was just several weeks after our break up actually. His new girlfriend (We opened our relationship in the last 1.5 yrs of the relationship, so I wasn’t surprised there was someone else, I was just surprised she didn’t know about me) asked me if ‘it was true me and him were broken up for two years? Why? Because they had been dating for months, and that is what he told her. She was heartbroken to know that her ‘new boyfriend’ who she assumed she was exclusively monogomous with, had only just been dumped by me two weeks ago. She even showed me screen shots of his lies: “No he wasn’t living with me, he was living with a ‘male room mate’ and they simply had a falling out over ‘how messy he was’. I read her messages a bit in disbelief. I was surprised, but I also wasn’t. I was ashamed to know I dated someone like that for nine years. Someone who could take me to his Mom’s Xmas eve party, and then the very next day on Xmas take his other GF (who had zero knowledge about me) to his Squadron Xmas party. Outside of that incident, I was hit up by his two more recent exes. Same same same. The most aggravating thing about it is that he simply never grows up. It’s still cheating after cheating, lying after lying, and excuses of “I felt bad” when he is caught. Even when people open relationships or practice ‘polyamory’, there are still rules/ ethics that require honesty. Here’s a lesson: If you are opening your relationship to save it because ‘he or she always cheats & lies’ and this change can make it ‘not cheating and not lying anymore’, the relationship has already failed.

And my 3 year narcisstic ex? Well, three babies from three baby mom’s? He had crafted some pretty creative stories that made him out to ‘always be the victim’ in every situation. My naive ears wanted to believe him, even though it doesn’t truly add up. At the end of the day, regardless of what truly happened between him and three Baby Mothers… you willingly left behind three women with your three children. And, if you can abandon the mother of your children along with your children, then what made me the most idiotic person on the planet was the delusional belief that I thought I could be any different. This relationship was monogomous on my end, all the way. I assumed he was too, as he always insisted he was. But, if he could lie about Baby mom stories, lie about his intentions toward his children, lie about his income and jobs, and even lie about ‘serving in the military’, (he never did), after the relationship ended when I found out he was a cheater, I wasn’t too shocked. I was more so shocked about who it was. A girl we trained/ coached martial arts for six months. Honestly after finding out that I was quite convinced that he literally hated me by the end of the relationship and wanted to destroy my life and spirit. It became clear he had ulterior motives because as I look back, he bounces from women to women to women. When one situation doesn’t work out, he monkey bars onto the next with the same sob stories and tactics. I can’t help but wonder, what type of ‘evil woman’ am I in his new book of lies to his new GF?”

When it’s all said and done, there is no more capacity to Trust

Needless to say, when I got back into the casual dating world, I had zero capacity to trust. So, I chose not to trust anyone. I chose casual situationships instead. And in doing so, it was like I was playing out my own game of trauma reenactment. I spotted the lies and the ‘player tendancies’ in many men that I talked to. Lies about where they were at when and if they ghosted for days to weeks at a time. Lies about their intentions when they showed evidence of opposing intentions. And you better believe that if a man told me he was serving in the military, or had served in the military, I was asking for proof; either a DD 214 or a military ID please and thank you. I refused to forgive anything. I was hurt, and when they lied to me I was not very forgiving. It’s always going to be a trigger. It almost always feels like a ‘mind game’ that people are playing. I had to also have a lot of space for myself, to heal. I knew I was jaded. I knew that love cannot be nurtered if I continued to sit in pain. The one silver lining I can say about living with pathological liars? They gave me a hell of a ‘Bullshit detector”. I have always had a kind heart, but what I didn’t have was boundaries. A kind heart needs boundaries, otherwise, it shatters into a million pieces. I know now that trust can only get built with time, patience, and most importantly, an honest relationship. And you will not know it’s honest unless you see visible proof over time. And if you do spot too many lies, you need to have the self worth/ love/ capability to be able to end it. Otherwise you will always be susceptible to the same crap treatment.

I still Choose Honesty

The crazy thing though? Despite all of my trauma, I still told the TRUTH. I never became a liar to punish others simply because I was lied to. It’s evil, it goes against my moral code. And I do not understand how anyone can live a double life. It’s exhausting. Even my ex ex admitted to me recently that it is quite exhausting balancing multiple girls that do not know about each other. In fact, my female friends often tell me ‘that I am too honest for my own good’. My honesty has gotten me in trouble with many men. My honesty forced (during my online dating ventures) me to tell people that “I am not ready to be monogomous or exclusive” while most people would instead say that ‘they are single’ and leave it at that. My brutal honesty has gotten me in situations where men (that I actually really liked) have lashed out with revenge tactics due to jealousy and hurt. Because again, I’m not going to feed you a fantasy, I’m going to give you the reality. Take it or leave it. A lie get’s you what you want in a moment, a Truth will chase away what you do not need.

No Faith

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 07-20-2023

“But then again, I have a soul. That extends beyond this vision and flesh. That reaches up; can feel the sky. The world, spirit, and Universe enmesh.” -EaE

I was six years old when I first went to Catholic school in Houston, TX. The jumper uniforms, the church, the strict teachers, the Wednesday mandatory service. The bible teachings, the morals and lessons. I was a child of neglect/ abandonment and abuse already, and I did not yet know how to read. The teachers and my grandmother harped on me until I got it right. Many lectures, a lot of getting screamed at and pinched until “I got it right”. I was petrified of getting paddled like some of the other kids so I continued to stay timid and shy. But, I did believe in God. My grandmother believed in God, and my teachers believed in God. Catholicism taught me this: “Pray and God will answer you”. So, I tried to do this. I prayed, prayed, and prayed again. I wanted my Mom and Dad back, that is all I ever asked for. My Mom came, only to give up after 1-2 weeks and abandon us (me and my older brother) again. And my Dad had promised us ‘it will only be a few months of living at Grandma’s’ while he served in the USMC. Well, a few months turned into 5 years. I was so angry that by the time I was 9 years old, I ripped the Jesus picture off of my wall and threw it. “There is no God or Heaven”, I already had that mindset. Then, it morphed into me putting two and two together: ‘They made up Santa Clause, they probably made this up too.’ It’s … like a Fairy Tale. I never told my Grandother that I became “Atheist”. She still insisted I pray at night time.

My Dad picked us up to take us to CA when I was 10, almost 11. Through my Preteen and teen years I was a bitter, pessimistic, depressed and emotional girl. I judged religion a lot. I hated it. The bibles, the talks about the bible, the churches, the praying. I just kept thinking “It’s not real, how can anyone think it is without seeing it? Without any proof?” I looked for signs, I came up empty. I couldn’t ‘feel’ or ‘see’ any spirits. Friends tried to convert me back to believing and they always fell short. Throughout the years sometimes I would hear my Dad and stepmom argue about religion. She was a christian, while My dad was atheist. Neither one of them could convince the other. I thought my Dad made a lot of ‘good points’, about saying ‘anyone could have written that thing’; The bible. Then again, I was already Bias.

I enlisted in the Air force at 18. In the military, it did not change much. I went to Church in Bootcamp just to have a few hours of peace and cry. I didn’t like it, I just needed it because, well, Bootcamp is horrific. But, at some point I was able to admit to myself, at the very least: I have no clue what happens after death, but I doubt it’s ‘nothing at all’, otherwise what the heck is all of this about? I then realized that I am agnostic. I am not claiming there is ‘nothing’, but I am not claiming there is something. I am not going to claim to know something I do not know. Because as of now, nothing has given me all the answers to all of my questions. Not religion, Not the military cult, not science, not friends or family, not even living life itself. Nothing. I know nothing. During my deployment to Afghanistan, a Catholic soldier was very offended when he inquired about my religious preferences. I simply used the term Agnostic. “So you choose to exist with ignorance in this world?” My reply: “We are all ignorant, some of us are just willing to admit it”.

Fast forward to many years later; My late twenties. I decided to try hallucinogens. There were already some studies that suggested they can help with Depression and PTSD and I was quite desperate. It is a hard thing to explain, because if you have not tried the substance, there is no way you can truly understand how it feels. It morphs the way you see things, the way you feel things, and the way you understand life. At first it was simply a relief, to not feel depressed 24/7. And to not ruminate on the same awful thoughts 24/7. Then by my early thirties I started to notice a shift. I became both fixated and petrified of death. I feared it, I questioned it, then I wanted it and even sometimes insisted on it. The happiest I ever felt, was on a hallucinogen. But also, the most suicidal I have ever felt, was on a hallucinogen.

My very last trip was the most terrifying one, before I decided to stop all together. My brain went from happy and silly, to dark and suicidal, to then dying… (falling asleep but it felt like death). Then I woke up and threw up. Then I spent an entire excruciating night on a ‘bad trip’. It’s what people call “An Ego death”. When your mind is no longer a part of reality. When you as a person have no sense of reality. I died and came back to life. I morphed into other humans during this trip. My memories were so distant that I started to question if they had ever happened. I was no longer me, and the world was no longer seperate. Everything bled together, and for at least 5 minutes, I had all answers. Everything made sense. I had no more fear and no more questions. I understood life in that moment. I understood true reality, that nothing was real. I am not an individual I am one with everything, and everything is one with me. There is no time. There is no people. There is no space. There is no ‘life’. We bleed together and move together, but nothing is truly real. Understand??? I don’t understand it either. It was just, in that moment, I understood.

I was sober by the morning and simply grateful to be back to ‘my normal self’. I wish I could say more. I just know that this took me further into the realm of spirituality. I do not believe religious people ‘are crazy’, or dumb at all. As a matter of fact, I have a feeling they have an innate ability to access something that I cannot (Unless I’m on drugs). Maybe they have more spiritual intelligence than I do. Maybe they have greater access to a realm that I do not have. Just like I have a very high emotional intelligence and some people lack it all together. That is a possiblity. We live in the confines of our own body and brain, and have the ignorance to think that everyone feels, see’s and experiences everything in the exact same way. Currently, I’m dating someone that is religious to some extent. He has gone to church more than I have, he believes a bit more than I do. He likes to pray sometimes, and he likes to hang up Mother Mary on the wall. I told him recently that I ‘wish i could just believe again’. He said “Then do it. Choose to”.

It may not be something I can feel or access, but it is now something I want. To have answers to what awaits us after death. I went on a blackhole research spiral recently, where I looked up documentaries interviewing people after they ‘died and came back to life’. I was quite fascinated to hear very similiar stories but from very diverse people around the world. Stories of being able to talk to ‘their loved ones’ that are ‘already on the other side’. Stories of feeling elevated, not ‘weighed down’ by a body, extremely happy and ‘light’. Stories of seeing and feeling light, water, nature in the most beautiful way possible. I had talked to the Chaplain at my job recently about my ‘Ego death trip’. He was weirded out and did not know what to say. It was evident he had never experienced a ‘drug induced psychotic break’. He ended up opening the bible to read things to me. But that’s not what I wanted. I don’t want a book. My substance abuse counselor recently told me to ‘go to church’ if I’m so concerned about ‘not having answers’. I don’t want a Church. A book and a church does not cut it for someone that is ‘void of faith’. I’ve tried all of that already, many times. I also respect that it does work for some people. I have clients with strong religious preferences that have expressed that it helps their mental health alot. I respect that. But, I want to explore without the confines of lectures, walls and text. I want to find things. At the very least, I’m open minded enough NOT to reject what I DO NOT know yet.

My Messy Entrepreniural Journey

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 06-29-2023

I never want to be the person that harrasses or clickbaits people online. I don’t want to be the person to give an annoying sales pitch. I don’t want to be that cliche person that posts moons and stars in someone’s DM’s and promises them an enriching journey of life coaching if they just ‘buy my book’. I am an entrepreneur, and I do have things that I have created and/ or invested in that I sell. But I am not a sales person. This isn’t a story of me ‘working my way toward financial freedom’, i’m not even close. I cannot guarantee it will even happen. This is an honest story of my experiences so far as an entrepreneur, while still working a ‘9-5’ because… how else will I pay my bills? I find that most successful entrepeneurs only want to show off their destination, but they rarely share the messy journey. I find this not only disingenuious, but quite frustrating. It leads people to build unhealthy expectations regarding what it really takes to build or create something new, and to see it through year after year after year. It is so easy to give up. I have given up on some things, while other things I continue to pursue with a vengeance. I have had some hard lesson’s through the years, and those are the lesson’s I wish to share so that other’s don’t have to be in shock, maybe I can give people some golden nuggets of truth.

My experiences with Fighter and Gym management

This was purely on accident and unintentional, but it happened for a brief period of time. The pandemic of 2020 hit while I was living in Brooklyn and training at both a BJJ school, and with a Muay Thai team. Every gym closed down. Fighters were left desperate without a way to train or fight, and some of them were pro; their careers and income were on the line. While other people trained for their mental health, and desperately needed that outlet. I was living with my ex at the time in a building he worked as the superintendant for. So, we started by converting a small basement room into a gym. I used my first stimulus check to buy a nice wrestling mat along with some other workout equipment. Before we knew it, we were inviting our friends to train in a place that was judgement free. They started paying us voluntarily. We had a mini gym. My muay thai coach needed a place to train, we used the money from the “hotbox’ gym (we enjoyed smoking weed while training) to help rent some MMA trng space along with the coach. We then made what I considered to be the best ‘MMA team in Brooklyn’ (it only lasted a few months). But damn was this a fun/ interesting time. I realized from my ex and other fighters, that a lot of them needed help with contracts and paperwork in general. For example, I worked out the contract for the fighters and for the shared space. I did the paperwork leading up to my ex’s MMA fight. He then referred a friend to me. I helped his pro fighter friend get a fight in Florida. I even convinced the promoter to agree to pay for his flight! I was then ‘dumped’ as he ‘did not need a manager all of a sudden’, (after I already helped). OOPS! I Forgot to do a contract for that! Some people take your help and dump you right after, so they don’t have to pay you commission from their fight. Good to know! Also things got messy with the rented gym space. They tried to increase the price on us very suddenly while reducing our mat time hours, so we pulled out. I was relieved only because I also sensed a lot of hate. Some people that you train with… the moment you have ‘authority’ over them, they start to hate you and become very passive aggressive. I decided after all of this, nevermind, I do not want to be a fight manager.

HotBox&Roll
What I called the “Glamour gym” that we rented & trained out of. (It belonged to some rich guy in the northern part of Brooklyn)

My experiences as a published author with a publishing company

My dream was finally coming true! A dream I had since I was six years old. To publish a book. I had already written about 8 chapters when I decided to show it to a friend/ training partner of mine who worked in publishing. She immediately gravitated toward it; a book for military/ veterans that are suffering from PTSD. But not the typical book, a book from a therapist/ veteran that’s coming from an angle of personal experience, and sharing trauma stories, interventions, resources and compassion. I thoroughly scrubbed the publishing agreement. I am paranoid after all. When something feels too good to be true, it usually is. I did publish my first book and I have sold close to 300 copies at this point, so not a lot. Authors do not get a lot of commission on their own work. Sadly, what I have had to learn the hard way, is that the publisher, artist, editor and distributors all get paid before the author. (Despite the fact that there wouldn’t be a book without us) I published my first book in July of 2021, I still haven’t received a dime. I am not supposed to receive money until I reach 250 dollars worth of profit, I knew that already. But, what I came to learn the hard way is that if I do not sell enough, there’s potential that I will owe them money! Distribution fee’s are annual; At least with my publishing company they are, and they get directly taken out of my royalty earnings. (I was so close to 250 dollars of earnings but then they hit me with the 60 dollar distribution fee) So my decision then becomes to either keep the book in distribution and risk owing money if my sells remain stagnant, or pull my book out of distribution to get what little money I did make; but then never have my book distributed on the shelves and in the online stores again. Again, I’m not a sales woman and I am petrified of doing in person workshops or door to door sales, so it’s likely that by November, my first book could be out of distribution. 😦 (They won’t say it, but I believe this is how they ‘weed out’ the low selling authors.)

Unseen: Uncovering the Invisible Wounds of Military Trauma Link to order: https://www.amazon.com/Unseen-Uncovering-Invisible-Wounds-Military/dp/1631953532

My experiences with self publishing and blogging

Given what I had to learn the hard way, it’s a good thing that I ‘self published’ my second book with a simple online platform called Ingram Spark. My first go around with Ingram was not pleasant. It was not as user friendly as they portrayed, and I accidently went with a free ISBN not understanding what that ‘actually meant’, I did not read the fine print. I accidently published an online ebook that was unedited and ‘did not belong to me’. Scratch that! Pretend it DID NOT happen. I then made a ‘second edition’ of my mental health quotes and poems book with added content and PURCHASED the ISBN’s this time, for full ownership. I was then able to edit and see a rough draft before I approved it for publishing. I actually ‘earn less’ on this book than I do my first book. As It’s a shorter and cheaper book and the company takes a lot of royalties. However, they pay me quarterly NO MATTER how much I make. No silly 250 dollar rule! So I have already received some payments for my second book, published in November of 2022. It’s often usually just 20 dollars or less in a 3 month period! Not much at all, but it did not cost much to create this book either. And, instead of hiring a professional editor, I edited this one myself. Just some simple spellcheck as this book did not require near the edits that my first book did. This is why they say, self publish. It all makes sense to me now, I was just clueless when I was a new author and did not believe I had the skills to do it myself. I also self publish on this very blog. I would say the most disheartening thing about being a published and very active writer, is that it reminds you of how little people care about reading these days. I simply cannot compete with video content and online porn. I work hard toward my writing craft and get next to nothing in return. The only thing that makes it worth it? I love to write. That’s it.

In My Head 2nd Edition Mental Health Quotes and Poems https://a.co/d/g1ax6Nq

My experiences as a Social Media ‘influencer’ and Podcast panelist

Since I cannot handle in person sells, I really took to social media and podcasting as my main strategy for advertising my books. I do have an author website that a friend was kind enough to build for me. I have another good friend who continues to help build it for me when changes need to be made. On my website are links to my books, blog and glamping site (which you will read more about below). This very blog also links to my website and is linked to my Amazon author account! I have writer pages on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter. I also have closed facebook groups to help people, and very occassionally, self promote. These groups include ShortygirlMMA, for short women that train in martial arts. Still I roll, a group for people that train BJJ and suffer from mental health conditions. And a Veteran transition support group page on FB & Instagram; exclusively for Veterans only. You may be wondering what any of this has to do with selling my books. But what I have learned over time is that in order to encourage people to buy things, it’s best that they know who they are buying it from. Therefore, you must build a ‘social media personality’ and presence. Whether you feel like it or not, it’s the way of the world now. With podcasts, I generally get invited to podcasts where the niche is either for: veterans, authors and/ or mental health in general. I still get extreme stage fright, even when it’s just through a screen. I always remind myself that the information I am sharing with people can be of some use. I am generally doing my best to help people, so then it’s worth pushing myself through the fear of judgement. What’s the hiccups in this realm? Well, many people will waste your time. Many will interview you and not schedule you for a podcast after all. Many will podcast you, but then never publish it. You have to be ready for dissapointment always.

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/lj-haywood-podcaster_mentalhealth-veterans-military-activity-7057128558413934594-tJKB?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_ios

My experiences as a Glamping Host

And finally, my most recent endeavor has been as a glamping host. This is the most recent as I have only been a home owner for a little over a year. I’ve been told investing in property is one of the best things we can do. I couldn’t agree more. Why glamping? Well it was the cheaper option, and after all, I am not made of money. My current boyfriend and me had the original idea of converting a shed into a tiny home, but with rising costs, we knew it would be insanely expensive to get the lumber and everything else. I bought a teepee bell tent instead. My boyfriend has a background in construction, janitorial, repair work, carpentry, and AirBnB cleaning! Perfect skills to build our vision! Meanwhile, I am the investor, but without the building skills. Teamwork is everything. He built an incredible platform with pallets & plywood so that the tent does not get soaked; luckily a flood warned us of this in advance; so we did not just set the tent in the dirt. He built an outhouse near the platform and brought in an outdoor shower, while I purchased an RV compost toilet/ sink combo. Furnishing it was practically free as we had many things from him moving in with me. I bought whatever else was needed; carpets, tent lighting, outdoor solar lights, bedding, new towels. The first dissapointment was our little wood stove with a chimney, the desert wind kept destroying it. We gave up on it and settled with a space heater and back up propane heaters. We soon learned that our guests cause a lot of wear and tear, and the amount of money we were getting was not close to what we should earn considering both the prep time and time to fix damages; tent tears/ messes. Sadly by glamper # 8, the tent was torn beyond repair. We tried, and then the wind reopened the tear. We also felt that the anxiety of ‘whether or not the tent will hold up through extreme desert weather is just not worth it. So, I am investing more after all. With a hardened structure for glamping! My stepmom actually came up with an amazing idea that’s a bit more pricy vs a tent, but not as pricy as getting a tiny house or cabin. We put up a gazebo! And we will be taking the time to use our creative minds to convert it into a shack or cabin. My glamping business has generated the most money out of anything I have created so far. I have hope one day, that it will be profitable!

Glamping Hub (account deactivated while we are renovating)
The Gazebo that we are turning into a Glamp Shack slowly but surely… stay tuned!

Hypocritical Therapist

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 06-22-2023

“You should know better, you are a therapist….”

“I want my therapist to not have flaws because I want to trust that they can guide me right.”

“You’re not mentally ill though!”

“How are you going to help someone when you have the same problem?”

Oh… if I had a dime for every time I heard something from the above list. I am a therapist which means that essentially, people expect different from me vs what they would expect from any other human being. This is despite the fact, that I am also, a human being.

I don’t think this should have to be clarified, but it does. Therapists can be mentally ill. Therapists can fall into drug addictions. Therapists can find themselves in toxic relationships. Therapists can give the same clinical advice over and over again, and not take that advice themselves. So yeah, therapists can be hypocritical.

I’m a therapist with depression and sometimes my low motivation gets the best of me: I know how the depressive cycle works on a clinical level and on a personal level. Therefore I know that I must exhaustingly fight through low energy and low motivation to the best of my ability if I want any hopes of being a “normal functioning human”. But, sometimes I feel like I can’t. Sometimes my brain feels severely foggy and my body feels like it can’t move. This deters me from going outside, from being around people, from attempts to find joy. On a positive note, I don’t force feed toxic positivity messages to my clients with depression. I know better!

I’m a therapist with a drug addiction history: My father found it ironic that I was applying to work in a substance abuse clinic at one point, when I in fact, use drugs and have been enrolled in substance abuse treatment. As a matter of fact, I’m on a medication that helps curb my appetite toward addictive tendencies. I am not yet a “success story” as I am not fully sober. But I do engage in very effective harm reduction strategies. I had to. Because at one point I found myself in some pretty serious drug induced psychotic episodes. I’ve learned the hard way. I can also help others find effective and helpful strategies Vs the cliche “just quit or be sober”.

I’m a therapist that dated a narcissist: The aftermath of dating a narcissistic is humiliating. Even more frustrating when people throw out this line: “you’re a therapist though, why couldn’t you see the signs??” Two reasons; there’s plenty of therapists that come from abusive backgrounds, I’m one of them. Sometimes we are attracted to the mental health field because we are seeking answers to our problems and also how we can help family and friends. Then, therapists see the world through a very horrific lens. It can jade us into believing: “our life really isn’t that bad in comparison”… even when it is.

I’m a therapist that has had long term toxic friend ships: It felt quite hypocritical to discuss the risk of toxic friendships with my clients and help them explore red flags, while I myself, was ignoring so many of them. And allowing myself to get bull dozed and hurt. It’s called denial. Denial is our friend when we can’t handle the truth yet. But in the long run, denial is our worst enemy. Sometimes it’s hard to confront reality. That maybe, I’m letting myself get taken advantage of, and I should really take charge and do something about it. Even if it means… gasp! Disappointing someone in order to preserve my sanity. Kind people are at high risk of getting used. It’s nice to believe everyone is a true friend, but in some cases, they have ulterior motives.

I’m a therapist that used to sit on my ass and binge eat all evening My after work ritual (for many years) was to binge watch TV while I binged junk food. And then I would cry and have no idea why. I would feel self hatred. And then I would get up and work again, then workout like a maniac right after work to punish myself. Then I was hungry, yet again, for my binge ritual. I felt little to no control over this. I did not have even the slightest handle on this until I was 27 years old and started to seek out therapy for my eating disorder. Everything before that was me hiding this part of myself to stay in the military. I help primary care patients when they have weight management concerns tied to eating disorders or food addictions and I find helping this clientele in particular very rewarding.

I’m a therapist that has given terrible advice: All therapists will admit that there is no such thing as a perfect one. Sometimes we won’t be someone’s cup of tea. Or sometimes with the intent to help, we could accidentally cause more harm. This includes pushing people too hard to share things they aren’t ready to. It could include pushing people to take action before they are ready. It could include choosing a harsh intervention or an inappropriate one. I try not to look back and cringe too much at the younger version of myself. We don’t know what we don’t know. But I need to remember in order to do better now.

I am a therapist that doesn’t want to therapist anymore: I’ve worked in the mental health field for about 15 years. Only 4.5 of those years have been specific to being a true “clinical therapist”. I’m already burnt out. Because I have PTSD, depression, hypersomnia, an eating disorder and addiction problems, I was worn down faster. Also I only recently stopped with toxic relationships and finally started prioritizing my self care only 2.5 years ago. Currently I’m a consultant, not a therapist. This feels like a better fit, much less emotionally damaging. I don’t have anything to prove. I’m not ashamed to admit I can’t give therapy for 20-30 plus years. Once upon a time it was my “dream”. Dreams change. People learn and grow.

Battle of the Sexes

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-14-2023

“Women are more than sex objects and house maids, just as men are more than an ATM or a gift dispenser.” -EaE

In the past decade or so we have seen an influx on research statistics regarding the ‘death of the nuclear family’ so to speak. Some common findings that are coming out include the fact that there are less people getting married, there are more single parent households, there are less people have children in general, there are more money making women now than there has ever been in the history of the U.S. There are more people staying single, cheating or playing the field. Polyamory (ethically/ openly having or loving multiple partners) is on the rise as well. People are in an uproar about these societal shifts, and with any good uproar, what happens? The blame game. Men are blaming women, women are blaming men. I go on the clubhouse app (audio chat rooms) just like I do facebook to hear or read the arguments. It’s cyclical in nature, and nothing ever get’s resolved. “All women are Only fans Ho’s now”, “Men aint shit”, “Women only want assholes”, “Men don’t know how to provide anymore”… etc etc.

I’m going to list off some of the most nonsensical, or ridiculous statements I have heard on both sides (no double standards we are going to keep this fair) and try my best to rebuttle. With change comes friction, but hopefully, eventually…. acceptance. The country is changing. We (some of us men and women) are bringing ‘old fashioned values’ into a new fashioned world and everything is clashing. Once the clash sets in, we experience mental shock and anger. Then blame. Blame blame blame. I believe that there are good men out there that have been hurt by evil women. And I believe that there are good women out there that have been hurt by evil men. And then those hurt souls are walking around with trauma and attachment issues, leaving them more vulnerable, but also more susceptible to getting damaged or damaging. Then the evil men and women go around and continue to hurt more people. Mostly because they can, they don’t care, and no one has dared to hold them accountable. And now, we all live in this deluted world where the people we are supposed to be attracted to and ‘love’ are now seen as our greatest enemy.

(Though this blog is going to talk about heterosexual Cis relationships, I want to acknowledge that within the LGBTQ community; many of the same things will apply. They struggle with their relationships as well, and have the added layer of societal discrimination as they are the minority.)

Women can sell their ‘buttholes’ online and pay the rent Yes, there is a rise of women selling nude photos and/ or porn on the internet, but there are also many women that will never do this as their chosen profession. More than anything, this is a statement of jealousy within a context of “women don’t have to ‘work hard’ and they can get tons of money.” I have never sold my own porn, but I can imagine from what I have seen, porn is WORK. ‘Sex work is work’ as they say. It is a job that people have the right to choose. And, if you do not want to date someone who sells porn, it’s simple… don’t. Also, OnlyFans and other porn platforms are not just for women to seek employment, men can sell their ‘buttholes’ too. The reason it is ‘not as profitable’ for men, is because the largest consumers of porn are MEN, and they often want to see naked women. Frankly, if you talk crap about female porn stars, while simultaneously masterbating to them, you are a hyprocrite.

Men don’t work anymore Plenty of men still work. This is an insult to all of the hard working men out there. It may not be a conventionally ‘masculine’ job, or maybe they decided to…. ‘gasp’! Take … some….. time …. off. Because, we are learning as a society that working ourselves to death can be counter productive. Some women view men as ‘robotic energizer bunnies’ that don’t require rest… and honestly, that is dehumanizing. There are even some men now in the roles as stay at home boyfriends or husbands, or stay at home Dad’s. And though it’s not paid work, domestic work is work too; whether it is a man or woman doing it. And some couple’s can make it work, while simultaneously being happy. But obviously, yes men are still working. They are our supervisors, colleagues, subordinates and more. If you are angry because they don’t do a chore often or they don’t do a chore to your liking, just say that. Imperfection is not the same as laziness, or ‘not working’. Anytime you enjoy a modern luxary today, chances are high that a man helped make it happen.

But can she cook and clean though?? Please stop assigning a woman’s value to her cooking and cleaning abilities, as well as her looks. Women have been in the work force for plenty of decades at this point, why are we still fixated on cooking and cleaning being ‘solely a womans job’? Through all of my military career, college education, therapist and writing career, I cannot tell you how infuritating it is to have all of those accomplishments ‘glossed over’ while someone fixates on the fact that I simply ‘suck at cleaning’. While being mocked and laughted at. (I am a great cook though but that’s beside the point) If you are with a domestic partner (man or woman) then yes; their cooking/ cleaning abilities are important. If you are with a working woman, cooking/ cleaning should not be a high expectation; it should be a role that both parties fulfill/ switch off on. If both a man/ woman are working and paying bills; house chores should be split as 50/50 as possible.

He should Pay! And following up on the fact that women have been working for plenty of decades, we have been making money too! And since we have been making money too, it makes sense that we can also be financial providers. Or even, pay on some dates, or go dutch; whatever. Especially with the cost of living being astronomically high, why is it fair that the man pay for everything? Just like how women aren’t necessarily cooks/ maids anymore, men are not necessarily going to be able to be a sole provider and afford the house, car, kid’s, amenities etc. Help your partner. Don’t hide behind the guise of an old fashioned/ out dated norm. And if you as a woman make money, and you guilt trip him into paying for everything while you hoard your money or go on shopping sprees, I would honestly say that borderlines financial abuse. Let’s (as women) put ourselves in their shoes; with your job, could you afford to pay for all of those dates and every single thing that you have right now? Most middle class American’s require duel incomes in their home’s, so the chances are the answer is: No.

Women get paid less because they work less hard The debate of the gender pay gap is still going strong, though it seems the gap is close to non existent… finally. Truthfully, I do not know about this on a personal level, as I have always worked for the Federal government and get paid the same wage as my male counterparts of the same rank and/ or degree/ licensing. A netflix documentary called ‘explained’ suggests that the gap is due to women often taking on more of the parenting responsibliities, which leaves them unable to work over time. This makes women less competitive for promotions. So the next time you want to pretend women aren’t working hard, consider that they are taking on the bulk of a responsiblity that most men avoid; parenthood. Someone has to do it, and the pressure still lies (as a majority) on the woman. No one can do both at the same time; parent and work. Humans cannot multi task, we can only task switch. This also expalins why less woman are parents now, some choose to focus on their career as they know they cannot juggle both and be ‘highly’ successful at both for 18+ years.

I deserve a man that works, makes six figures, cleans, stays loyal, is tall, is funny, is a ‘bad boy’ but turned good for me, amazing in bed, huge D%$k… etc etc Overall, I believe there’s a trend of many people (these days) having insanely high expectations. Unfortunately for women, they tend to have some pretty extensive checklists that set them up for failure. Sometimes I blame Disney, sometimes I blame Romcoms, sometimes I blame our female peers and ‘mentors’ that preach their ‘words of wisdom’ to us growing up. If you believe you can somehow get everything in the above list, you are delusional. Approaching new people with an extensive checklist is killing modern relationships. One box is not checked off… sorry you’re out! Not to mention, most of the traits or accomplishments above have nothing to do with relationship compatibility: compromising, collaborating, teamwork, accountability, good intentions, empathy, gratitude, shared values, relationship or family oriented. If anything, make that your new list.

Women need to let men “Lead” again Women don’t need to let men lead them. Women do not need to submit to men. Women do not need to necessarily live with or marry men. Women are free to do what they want. If they want a relationship, cool. If they want to stay single, also cool. If they want kid’s, cool. If they do not want kid’s, cool. America is supposed to be the land of the free, why not try to keep it that way by respecting every individuals ‘right to self determination’? Or does that only apply where we ‘think it should apply..?’ Freedom is freedom. Women shouldn’t be able to control men, men shouldn’t be able to control women. No human should be able to control another. No human should be pressured to submit to another for that other person’s ‘gain’. I want to believe and hope that there is no such thing as a ‘second class citizen’ anymore. That is what we have been trying to eradicate with many social movements.

I don’t ‘Need” a Man, period. And, while it is technically true that we (women) do not need to live with, marry or financially depend on men….. We still NEED men. Just in different ways. Unless you are living in the wilderness like Tarzan with zero technology and living off of the fruits of the land…. you need other people; men and women. Even if you are a woman with a career, good pay, and your own apartment or house, you do need men in the world. You might need your male (hypothetically) supervisor at work to direct you, or your male colleague to engage in effective teamwork. When you grocery shop, when you purchase any service provider, when you hire people to help you with things you cannot do independantly, chances are you are relying, sometimes, on men to help. Some men may have hurt you and traumatized you, and for that I’m sorry for you. I know the feeling. But, it does not mean ‘men ain’t shit’. There are still men that are not only kind, but doing incredible things for our society. We need each other. Maybe not always intimately or domestically, but we damn well better learn to get along.