Reflection

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12/31/2021

“Take a sliver, catch what you can. Hold it, cherish it. Steal it, then own it. Lose it, then mourn it. Regret it, disown it. Repeat it, deny it. Swear this is different. Fake it, make it, control it, then lose it. Grieve it, admit it. Learn from it, end it. Be reborn. Live, once again.”

He proposed one year (2020), then asked for a ‘separation’ just one year later (Jan of 2021). And, there I was, mid-January of 2021, 31 years old, and under the delusion that I was finally about to ‘walk down the aisle’ and take the plunge with someone I thought I knew. I’m often seen as a ‘stable’ person, but also known to be quite ‘compulsive’ when ‘shit hits the fan’ so to speak. I give a lot of credit to my military background, it taught me how to pick up and move fast when there’s an emergency. Within 48 hours after the break up, I chose to resign from my job as a Therapist (3.5 years into my therapist career and I was already experiencing severe trauma triggers due to childhood trauma and combat trauma), and begged my father to rescue me from NYC and take me back to my hometown in CA. I also cancelled all of my plans and put my focus into my LCSW (Licensed Clinical social worker) exam, which I had only 2 more weeks to get ready for. (My Narcopath ex was brilliant with timing… but I did pass!)

     Mid-January of 2021 to Mid-February 2021 was one of the most grueling and helpless months of my life. Every client I spoke with and said goodbye to felt like ripping off a torturous Band-Aid. Still forced to live with the ex; someone who was financially, verbally, and even sometimes physically abusive throughout our 3 years together. I had to dig deep to survive the situation, especially my own mental health symptoms. I barely told anyone about my choice to permanently move. I had lived in NYC for the past 7 years and made many friends, but I did not have the stomach to say goodbye to people. I mostly hid and only my closest of friends saw me before I left.

     Mid-February 2021, I am back in California, I have no job to go to for the first time in 13 years. I knew the hardest part was still ahead; the year of healing. It sounds pleasant, but it’s the hardest challenge of all. How often do we actually allow ourselves to heal, grow, and learn after all? Do we not most often just find another thing to distract us from the project? Another relationship? Casual dating? Drugs? Rushing into the next career? Changing our hair and partying? And yes, I am a cliché and engaged in some of the above, but I also did something different this time. I forced myself to be alone, a lot. An unnerving amount that most people cannot tolerate. I also forced myself to not care about the future for a little while, it felt impossible. But, I also gave myself what I deserved: Self-care and self-learning.

I had two very long term failed relationships back to back (A 9 year one, then the three year one referenced above). And, when something in your life continues to be a huge source of stress, discomfort, trauma, and grief, it is then time to put a focus on the problem as well as the root causes. And eventually, the solutions. I also had a lot of painful news as well as old reminders to haunt me throughout 2021. Thank you Facebook, thank you for popping up monthly pictures of me and my ex to remind me that we were together no more. (Sarcasm) Thank you for reminding me that all the Holidays of 2020, I had someone I thought I could trust, and now the reminder that I am alone and all the humiliating reasons why. Thank you for showing me I was good ‘friends’ and a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu coach to his ‘mistress’ and now it turns out, they were both backstabbers. Thank you to the algorithms of Instagram and Facebook for force feeding me engagement ring advertisements, although, I won’t be needing one now. And the dilemma/ guilt/ shame that comes with seeing your friends getting engaged and married and wanting to be happy for them, but suffering due to your loss instead. (Yes, these feelings are normal and it is okay to process them too, but… don’t get upset with your friends for finding happiness)

     The Positive:

A part time telework job for the DoD fell into my lap. A former coworker referred me to be a research assistant, and this afforded me the opportunity to pay my bills all year long, help my Dad out a bit, and still have fun/ plenty of free time to keep healing. Not to mention, I published my first book in July of 2021, so there was at least some professional silver linings. Like anything else, the year was a roller coaster of ups and downs. But one thing I knew for sure was that I was home again. My military career, college career and first civilian career had taken me away from my hometown for so long, but when I moved back, it felt 100% natural.

            What I’m Proud of?

     This is simple, I took a very hard situation and handled it the best I could. Just like I always told my former clients, don’t be hard on yourself when your situation is already hard. That’s the time for other things to come out: Being calculated, practicing self-care, practicing boundaries, asking for help (this time I did let friends and family help me emotionally). When my situation became unbearable, I chose to change it all. I switched my geographic location, changed my relationship status and changed my career all around the same time. The surprising thing? People told me I ‘inspired’ them. Who knew?! I did not expect such a compliment, I felt like a huge mess the majority of the year, and yet others saw differently. I’m proud that I was able to inspire.

          Conclusion:

     Now, apparently we are supposed to go into 2022 without expectation, the pandemic has plagued many with anxiety. People do not celebrate the way they used to, and/ or, we may not be able to depending on our circumstances. In hopes to help people heal or experience gratitude I’ll end the New Year with a series of questions that could be helpful to reflect on:

  • What did you accomplish? (This could be professionally, or with family, or in a relationship, or with your own self growth etc etc)
  • What did you learn? (Whether it was a nice lesson or a painful one)
  • What did you find yourself wanting?
  • What did you find yourself wanting to discard of? Or, what did you discard of?
  • What do you regret?
  • What is your focus area(s) for 2022?

Counter Holiday Blues

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-21-2021

The holidays are flooded with messages. Many are positive, and plenty are what we refer to as toxic positivity messages. Toxic positivity is what we refer to as compulsive positive messages that may invalidate a person’s pain, depression or various other mental health symptoms. Some may be wondering why there are many who report experiencing Holiday depression, but it’s not too mysterious at all. People are social beings, and when we are experiencing the complete opposite mood of most of the people around us, our depression might amplify due to frustration, guilt and shame. The Holiday’s create social demands, they create a positivity bubble, they create an illusion that many ‘fail’ to live up to. They remind us of where we are at on the ‘class spectrum’. What can we afford to do? How do we feel about it? Were we a ‘let down’ this year or were we a ‘success’? Profit building is at an all-time high around this time of year and there are messages everywhere telling us what ‘we need’ to buy for ourselves or our loved ones. Personally, I prefer the more practical messages that the Holidays were originally supposed to provide. Not the modern messages that leave us feeling like we aren’t good enough because we aren’t rich enough.

       Focus Areas to counter Holiday Blues:

Family/Friend Time:  As we know due to the popular love language quiz that has been circulating, gift giving isn’t the only love language out there. Quality time is a big one. As a matter of fact, the majority of my family, friends and clients scored higher on quality time vs gifts. This means, your ‘gift’ to others can be your time. No pressure to necessarily buy fancy overpriced items. We’re so busy, we rarely have quality time to spend on others. Some would even say that throwing a gift at someone with a quick hi and goodbye is easier than giving them your time. The intention of spending time with loved ones is an incredible gift and vastly underrated.

Building Traditions: Traditions are beautiful and enjoyable. I do not mean the tradition of gift giving, but everything else outside of that. Watching your favorite Holiday season movies, sharing your favorite meals, discussing what you may be grateful for or creating new goals. Having a favorite ‘magical’ area to visit where you and your loved ones can keep going back to. If you find yourself in the Holiday blues, consider creating your own new tradition.

Make alone time enjoyable too:  Maybe you have a family, maybe a relationship or maybe you are single. Either way, activities in solitude can be meditative and peaceful. It’s hard to filter out the messages that make us feel we need people around 24/7, but the truth is, everyone also needs time to themselves. The Holiday’s make it harder for us to access that peace, we are pressured to feel otherwise. Create your Holiday alone time rituals as well! When people feel lonely, especially due to break ups, I always encourage them to do the things they always wanted to do but never could when they were ‘tied down.’

Explore: Another free but incredibly fun thing to do, explore and travel. Travel does not have to mean you cut deep into your pocket book. It could be a short road trip. It could simply be nature hiking on the outskirts of your town. It could be walking down the street and both window shopping and people watching. It’s about paying attention to your surroundings, appreciating the environment around you and seeing things while reframing how you see things. Plus, who doesn’t like looking at Christmas lights on houses?

Cook or Bake your favorite treats:  Cook and bake your favorite Holiday meals and/ or treats and then enjoy your hard work with taste tests for you and your friends/ family. Eating is always wholesome and a great way to cherish Holiday’s, with or without added gifts. Consider, this year, contributing more to cooking or baking vs sitting around bored while letting your elders do all the work. Then you have the dread of doing all the dishes because you did not want to cook/ bake. This can be a fun activity to experiment with and it also does not hurt to find a new recipe to add to the mix!

Declutter: Lonely? Bored? Very broke? Isolating? Declutter your life. This will be a project but it will create a change that can elevate your mood by keeping your body busy as well as helping your mind find more peace in a cleaner environment. Even when times are extremely hard, our environment can make or break the mood even further. Everyone deserves to be in a comfortable place where they rest their mind and body. Decluttering can also help us explore minimalism and appreciate the value of the items we do keep.

Donate/ Help: We may not be rich, but almost everyone has something to give. Or maybe not an item to give, but a skill that can help other’s. The Holiday’s may also serve as a reminder that we may be richer than we think, and if we do have something to offer, we can help other’s during struggles and trying times. Maybe we can donate items, maybe we can donate money, or maybe we can donate our time to others in need. That’s also in the Holiday spirit and does not require us to splurge insane amounts on things that do not matter.

      I hope everyone uses these times to create more value in their lives and in the lives of others. We can challenge ourselves not by testing how much we can buy or show off, but by fostering new traditions and enriching lives. Overall, the Holiday’s become what we want to make them, or don’t want to make them. And the beauty is we get a say and choice in that experience. We can build it however we see fit and by whatever means we have right now. I hope this helps, and have a good and safe Holiday season and Happy New Year.

The Success that no one Talks About

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-6-2021

“It’s not about perfection, or resources, or even where your knowledge is at right now. More importantly, are your intentions any good?”

     Like many things, we look at success through a narrow lens. The majority may equate success with money, status and/ or power. Then outside of this limited list, may feel they fall short if they cannot attain this measure. However, there are many people who obtain the above list and go on to have miserable lives. Success, from a holistic standpoint, is also about balance. We may achieve many things but put ourselves out of balance in the pursuit of it. If you are miserable and out of balance, regardless of what you attained, can you truly say you’re a success? To be chronically miserable often means we are failing ourselves in some way. Also, we can succeed in some aspects of life, and fail completely in other areas of life. This is quite normal, perhaps inevitable. I say this to say, we have all succeeded in some areas, and failed in others, and we don’t even know it. Most success happens out of site and out of mind, many are succeeding every day and can’t even see it. Then, many are failing themselves in one way or another, and don’t even see it. Success can be invisible too. I want to give credit, especially, to those that succeed in silence doing the things that we never talk about or even see as success.

Workers:   If you are working any type of job, you are succeeding in some way. Whether it’s part time, full time, building your own business, a trade, or an office job, high paying or low paying. If you are a worker, you are contributing to something bigger than just yourself. You are honing your skills, generating income, stimulating the economy, maybe even taking care of dependents. Honestly, I hate the shame society puts on workers, I hate that there are many who are ashamed of what they do for a living. I hate that there are many jobs that are underappreciated and underpaid. We truly take the average working American for granted, and because of this, in turn, we (workers) do not take pride in what we do for a living. If you have worked in some capacity for most of your adult life, you have succeeded in that way. Regardless of what you have to show for it currently. My tip? Go after the job you “love”. Maybe it involves a pay cut or societal shaming, but if it’s worth it for you, it’s worth it.

Present Parents:    The amount of shame and self-hatred I hear coming from actively involved parents is quite sad. I’m not a parent myself, I’m a child from many broken homes. I’m someone that was engaged to a man with kids and did help stepparent for several years. I’m also a social worker that has given family therapy and individual counseling to kids and teens. This is what I do know: Parents do not have to be in a child’s life. They can abandon them. Parents do not have to be good to their children; they can abuse them. It happens all the time, unfortunately. So if you are a single parent, or one of two or more parents that are actively involved in your child’s life (whether biological, step, grand, adopted or otherwise) and you are not abusing them, you are already a success. Being present for the 18 plus and so on years it takes is already more than what some do. Being present without abusing the kids is more than what some can do. You’re raising the future, and the less harm you induce while engaging in this important accolade, the better. The work that present, non-abusive parents put into their children’s lives is vastly underrated.

Mental health and Medical clients:  Yes, another invisible success, as when we are clients we are subjected to the feeling of a power differential. Yes, clients often feel ‘less than human’ or ‘beneath’ their providers and/ or caregivers. However, I added this to the list because being a mental health and/ or medical client means that you are actively involved in making sure that you are getting the care your body and mind needs. That is a success, as many neglect themselves for the sake of avoiding… stigma/ taboo’s/ shaming. Some neglect their health because they prioritize less important things over it, such as… work! Let’s not forget what Maslow said! Our physical health and safety takes precedence over self-actualization. If you fail your health, you will eventually fail everything else anyways. Keep taking care of yourself. The more functional each individual is, the better they are for everyone else around them too. J

Present Friends/ Family members: There are many times that our roles as family members and friends will be solicited. This is important, what type of friend or family member you will be? Will you help? Enable? Will you abuse? Will you neglect? Will you offer emotional support? Will you do what you can where you can, but also have appropriate boundaries? Dynamics are huge. Friends and family members help each other out a lot, and more importantly, in these roles we often do it free of cost, and below the radar. Our true heroes throughout our life are often our friends and family members. They are often times, the ones that will love you unconditionally, and catch you after you have fallen due to trusting people outside your circle. It is true that some friends and family members are toxic, but there are also many that enhance and multiply our lives. If you are in a role as a trusted and reliable friend and/ or family member, you have succeeded in that you have enhanced other’s livelihood.

Volunteers/ Donators: With such a chronic “every man/ woman for himself/ herself” type of attitude and an attitude of “never work for free”, it’s a miracle that volunteers and people that graciously donate without the need for credit still exist. But, they do! Some are taught to do good in this world, and not necessarily for a tax write off. For some, it’s just ‘the thing to do’.  When we have the means to help others, and then we do help others, that is growth. It does come back around eventually. Growth is recognizing that we are not the only person on the planet, and life goes beyond just doing for ourselves individually. This can vary anywhere from donating a few dollars, donating essential items, all the way to donating an organ. If you have donated and/ or volunteered, you have succeeded in selflessness and most likely, you didn’t get credit for it. But I’ll go ahead and give the credit right now.

Mentors/ Role Models:    There are actually potential role models and mentors all over, the trick is knowing how to look for them. Also, many people do not even realize what they have to offer in terms of mentorship. This is something every person has the capacity for. If you have a skill of some sort, you could be a role model or mentor. The key is in how you execute this knowledge and if you have the intention to help others grow. Pride and envy get in the way of this. The ability to teach other’s regardless of what is in it for you, is essential. Teachers, coaches, coworkers, bosses, family members, friends, even acquaintances. Teaching someone a skill is one of the most valuable things we can do. It takes up our time, but it means that a particular person gets to walk away with a knowledge that they will carry over the course of their lifetime, and also, whoever else they decide to teach can carry it on. This is a multigenerational success. This is how we truly grow in knowledge and foundation. Mentors and role models have the invisible success of passing on crucial knowledge/ skills.

The Things I took for Granted

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11-24-2021

I turned 32 recently (September 12th). Feeling older, yet luckier. A little more fatigued, but somehow there’s more energy. Gratitude is not something I started to practice until I hit my early thirties, and I’m not shocked. It takes some wisdom. It takes a little bit of aging because with that we can finally see the growth. We can stand back and find reason in the madness. I always tell clients and friends that “Getting to know ourselves will be the best thing we ever do.” Why? To learn to weed out the junk that often contaminated us in our youth. I have gratitude in being able to age, and much much more. Much of my writings talk about mental illness and suffering, but this is going to be about gratitude. As well as, the things I used to take for granted.

⁃ Family/ friend time: I believe that maybe I took my family and friend time for granted because I was taught that if I wasn’t working hard toward my professional development, then I was wrong. The unfortunate thing is that when you are working hard towards success you must sacrifice most of your free time. This meant minimal friend and family time, and to be honest, I think a lot of people in my life have been incredibly understanding. It doesn’t change the fact that I now recognize this sacrifice I made and how it made me turn into a a complete stranger to those that loved me. Military life, college, martial arts training and career all took precedence. After resigning from being a therapist in February of this year, I made it a point to squeeze in a lot of family/ friend time for the remainder 2021. It’s been incredible getting to know people all over again.

⁃ Peace & quiet: I lived in NYC for the past 7 years before I moved back to the SoCal Mojave desert also in February. What an experience! But ultimately, I never want to live in a city again and I truly love my desert hometown. I love the quiet, I love the open space, I love the boredom. I took this small town for granted from ages 10-18, but now, I don’t want to leave it. The moment I moved back I felt right at home.

⁃ Working out: I workout all the time, and yes I do love it. But all athletes get to that point where we go on auto pilot for a while. It becomes mundane, tedious and boring. Also, we forget how lucky we are to be able bodied enough to workout the way we want to. No matter how unmotivated I may feel, I am now thankful anytime I show up and step on the mats for martial arts. I am thankful anytime I step outside for a desert walk or jog. When I’m finished with a workout, I am thankful for the endorphins I achieved.

⁃ Single-hood: I was in two back to back long term relationships where I lived with my partners the majority of the time. Obviously, nothing worked out, and I found myself petrified of being single for a brief period of time. Now, I find myself loving the time to get to live for me and only me. It was that thing I truly needed that I could not know or see for the majority of my early adulthood. Anytime I do anything without the need to check in with someone else or ask for permission, I feel gratitude. Anytime I’m awkwardly in the middle of seeing a couple bicker… gratitude.

⁃ Sobriety: The majority of us self medicate from time to time. For some, it may turn into heavy self medicating and/ or addiction. This happens as we chase highs. We chase highs when we fear the lows. When we fear our sober brain, as we know all too well how debilitating our symptoms can be. I’m talking about symptoms such as depression, anxiety, trauma triggers, sleep issues, anger and more. And, the drugs we may take to alleviate said symptoms. But, hopefully, we can engage in harm reduction and learn to also appreciate sobriety. The goal of medicating is to ease symptoms, not to permanently chase a high. I’m learning the difference, and I appreciate sobriety just as much as I do my medicine(s).

– Myself: I didn’t make time for self care, I did not have boundaries. I was self destructive, always a work in progress. I worked hard but never celebrated the hard work. I don’t care how much of a success you are, if you are incapable of celebrating and rewarding yourself, it will be a miserable existence. Now a days, some would even say I spoil myself, but after I work hard, I know what I deserve. Don’t want to take yourself for granted? Get to know you, find your sense of purpose, what gives you meaning, what brings you joy. And remember, always go back to that. Give yourself permission to put your needs first, regularly. My mind is more at peace with these practices.

Conclusion:

This was awesome to reflect on, and just in time for the Thanksgiving Holiday of 2021. I’ll be keeping it simple and low key, and hopefully others follow suit. Why add unnecessary stress to your life? Remember it’s about being thankful and having gratitude, not showing off or feeling the pressure to impress others. Take care!

Society Says:

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11/13/2021

“Of course, you are an expert in your own eyes, you have gotten this far and survived. But try to keep in mind, that the person right across from you, that you feel is so blind… survived a different set of circumstances, they’ve lived a separate life.” -EaE

 Society says… “You resigned? Why? Are you going to go back and work for them? What about retirement? Did you find a job yet? How about now? How about now? Are you looking for work? Did you hear back? When’s the start date? How’s the pay?”     I say, one pandemic led to another mass pandemic: burnout. Questioning our jobs and what needs to take priority in our lives is crucial. Prioritizing mental health over a job is never a bad thing, especially when you find the option and resources to do just that. It’s okay to switch fields when you realize you are in the wrong field. It’s okay to take a pay cut if it’s worth saving your sanity. It’s also okay to take a break completely to recharge. Being demonized and harassed for a break says more about the individuals chastising you, than it does about you.

      Society says… “You do martial arts..? But why? It’s dangerous. You’re a scholar, don’t mess up your brain! Men may not like women that can beat them up, or that rolls around with other men all evening.”      I say, do whatever you want, whatever you love as long as you are doing your best not to harm others in the process. I know I know… martial arts but, we can tap out and spare our lives. This is more of an issue of perception, as well as people’s deep seated fears in what they do not understand. And, in most cases, we do not understand a hobby/ sport/ lifestyle that we haven’t participated in. Some may also shame it because they do not understand what it can cost us to give up our special coping outlets. Also, gender norms and roles are still running rampant, even in 2021.

     Society says… “You just went through a break up, be single and alone. For a good while, but not forever! Love yourself. Heal alone. Don’t be bitter and talk about the break up too much, it was your fault anyways. When you find the ‘right’ person, it won’t be like that anyways.”    I say, the majority of people are talking out their ass when it comes to love, relationships, break ups and the ‘how to’ on how to heal. Why? The majority of this is about experimentation, mistakes, lessons, emotions, hardships but then also, individuality. People have a bad habit of using their personal story and blanketing it over the majority. People also have a bad habit of creating too many ‘rules’ toward something that is often widely unpredictable and difficult to tame. (Such as, another human being and how they love)

     Society says… “Be sociable, why don’t you like going to parties? Or dinner parties? But why? Why won’t you drink tonight? Are you allergic? Are you religious? Do you smoke instead? Why not come out to this event, come on it will be fun. You will like it this time.      I say, I know what I like, and I know what I do not like. I know what is worth pushing through, and what is highly triggering and not worth the effort. I say, that there are many ways to socialize in healthy manners, and we do not have to follow the majority when getting ‘our fix’ of social interaction. Remember the simple concept of ‘just because you like it, doesn’t mean it’s for everyone.’ Also the concept of ‘don’t apologize for being yourself’.

     Society says… “You were in the military…? Woah….. (Much awkward silence) My second cousin twice removed served, do you know them? Ummmm… How was it? Did you kill anyone? Did you see anyone die?  Why did you get out? OMG you get ‘free college’? So lucky…. Disability pay? Wow, so lucky…”        I say, if you truly do not understand something or know what to say about a topic, you can opt for silence. Never underestimate silence, because some words lead to ‘foot in mouth’ syndrome. I say, luck is a lot rarer than we believe. The majority of times, I find my ‘luck’ has to do with years and years of silent sacrifice that most individuals never bear witness to.  Also nothing is free when it comes to the military. It was either a part of our contract, or a part of getting compensated for mental and physical injuries sustained doing things that no one else wanted to sign up for.

     Society says… “You published a book?! OMG, can you help me out. I want to write, how did you do it? Can you edit this for me? You don’t write like how you talk. Can I have your book? (With no intention to pay) Can you help me get noticed as a writer?”      I say, what’s the good in having someone do all your work for you? More importantly, what can you actually learn from that? Accomplishments are NOT magic. They do not go ‘Poof’ and then appear. They are worked toward. They are science, they are a process. They required trial and error, followed up with new found knowledge. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Don’t rush your own process, and don’t disrespect someone else’s.

     Society says… “Have you tried this diet? Have you counted your calories? Don’t get bigger. Workout more, eat less. Just practice self-control. Put effort into your appearance. Are you okay? You look tired. You look mad. You look sick. What’s wrong? Why aren’t you talking?       I say, unless you know someone’s physical fitness goals and are solicited for your opinion, its best not to dictate another person’s body/ lifestyle. A lot of our outward appearances could be a reflection of an ‘invisible wound’. Eating disorders, food addictions, depression, anxiety, PTSD. Or phase of life circumstances that have forced us to switch priorities: natural disasters, chronic illness, children, relational stressor’s etc. You can ask someone if they are okay and how they are feeling, without insulting their appearance.

      Society says… “You post too much. You don’t post enough. You’re showing off. Why didn’t you like my post?? Use filters. Don’t use filters. No one needs to know that much about your life. Where did you go? What are you doing lately?       I say, we have confused a norm for a mandate. We have taken a cool and innovative option and turned it into an expectation. Social media is a person’s right to use or never use. Someone’s profile is their individual profile to do with whatever they please. I’m sincerely hoping social media does not create a sort of ‘control, entitlement and manipulation’ epidemic.

Bottom line? Don’t cave, we all deal with the pain and aches of people’s harsh opinions that may not be helpful. I mastered the art of filtering as much as possible and I encouraged many of my client’s to. Our mental health depends on those boundaries. When there are millions of voices coming at us on a daily basis, that can be overwhelming. It can induce guilt, shame and feelings of unworthiness. Let’s reframe, reset, clear it up. Live for you. Those that care will give constructive and helpful feedback. Everything else can be filtered away.

Book and Blog Summaries

By: Kersti Jarve/ Blogger/ Trauma coach/Motivational Podcaster/ Owner of Fighter Vision OU/ Psychological First Aid Cert

Kersti has been an incredibly supportive person since I met her on clubhouse, and with her knowledge and credentials I am not surprised. She has read various blogs on FunctionallyMental as well as ordered and read my book and posted about it. Below are the links to her summaries on both my blog and book. Thank you for being an educator and an advocate for mental health!

https://esmareageerija.blogspot.com/2021/10/raamat-unseen-undercovering-invisible.html?m=1

https://esmareageerija.blogspot.com/2021/10/blogi-functionally-mental.html?m=1

Why Stay?

Elisa Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-16-2021

“Telling an abused, abandoned, neglected and traumatized child to “self love” is like telling a fish to breathe oxygen.” -EaE

Naturally, as life and traumas unfold, I will have more experience and therefore, more to talk about. The subjects and topics add up with age and, hopefully, added wisdom. I found myself earlier in the year, getting away from an abusive relationship (engagement). I didn’t even know it at the time, but as the talks added up and the truths came out, it became more evident and clear. I was in serious denial as the relationship was toxic and headed to perhaps, a dangerous future.

As a life crisis situation happens, people have questions, opinions, blanketed statements and unsolicited advice. I was able to see clearly how much the support system can either harm or help us when we are trying to recover from an abusive relationship. For all the clients I had in the past that hurt from abuse and were attempting to heal from it, I finally felt their pain. For this blog I’m going to share my insight into common questions/ statements people have toward those who are struggling in or post toxic and abusive relationships.

“If it’s that bad, just break up.”

Ever notice the irony of how someone can give you this advice while also dealing with their own dysfunctional relationship? However, they’re blind to their own issues but able to objectively see that your relationship is toxic and you should leave? And it should be so simple. Interpersonal skills is our ability to get to know others, while intra-personal skills is our ability to know ourselves. Often times the reason gaining interpersonal skills is easier may be because we can look at others through a neutral lens, but we will often remain oblivious to our own issues. That, or we are in a brain fog due to our fight/ flight/ freeze response while in danger with toxic partner(s) and cannot confront the issue. Our emotional brain may then cloud our logical thinking processes, making something that seems simple and obvious, one of the hardest decisions to make.

“Why couldn’t you see the red flags?”

This question came up a lot for me, and I found it was a question and/ or judgment imposed by people that had healthier upbringings or an example of what a somewhat functional household looks like. For example, a child with abusive or absent parents vs a child with nurturing parents with a healthy relationship are going to have very different views on what a “red flag” looks like. If abuse is our norm, how can we know any different? If we witness our caregivers abusing each other 90 percent of the time, then in the future find ourselves only getting abused 40 percent of the time; this may feel or seem healthy. Our views on red flags are not universal and not everyone has role models when it comes to what “healthy dynamics” should look like in a relationship or in a home.

“It’s your fault for staying.”

Though staying may be a choice, there are many reasons people stay that should be taken into consideration before passing judgement. Staying could be from a heightened sense of obligation learned in childhood, a savior complex, fawning defense mechanisms or low self esteem. People may stay due to financial, verbal and/ or physical abuse that has left them stuck or terrified. There could be cultural or religious values that tug at our feelings of guilt. In addition, typically the longer the relationship the harder it may be due to more memories, more promises that were made and not wanting to “start over” or have the sense that we “wasted all our time” and it was “all for nothing”. Also, regardless of a break up being the right choice for someone, it’s never easy to do and could take months to years of contemplation.

“You’ll find the one don’t worry.” Or “when you find the ‘one’ you will know”.

Maybe it’s just me, but I absolutely hated these lines. One, having an imaginary hypothetical “one” doesn’t help us with the pain and grief we are feeling during a hard break up. Secondly, after an abusive relationship, we may not even like the idea of dating again. Relationships don’t feel like rainbows and butterfly’s after the ugly storm of enduring abuse. Another point is we may not even trust our judgement anymore when it comes to picking “the one”, as we picked the wrong “one(s)” already. We may not trust others anymore. Don’t force feed a post break up grieving person a relationship fantasy. Especially after abuse, people are extra vulnerable and more likely to fall into another trap/ cycle of abuse. They need time to heal, not to hunt down “The one”.

“You dodged a bullet, so just move on and get over it.”

Just because the break up was for the best, does not mean a person gets to magically skip the grieving process. How long it takes to move on has many factors: 1- was the break up amicable or did someone abuse/ lie/ cheat and/ or steal? These things take longer to heal from as it isn’t just about processing loss and the sadness that comes with it. It’s also about dealing with anger/ rage after betrayal and abuse. 2- Does said person have abandonment trauma from childhood that gets triggered during break ups? Unfortunately abandonment trauma makes a break up much harder and a lot more likely to get prolonged way past the expiration date. 3- Did the relationship have healthy boundaries or did the individuals become codependent and enmeshed to a point they were unable to function independently? “Moving on” inevitably involves grief, it’s a roller coaster of emotions and cannot be rushed.

“You deserve better”

Im countering this line not because anyone deserves to be abused. No one does. I counter the statement of “you deserve better”, because in most cases, we get our consequences due to our choices, emotional reactions, and behaviors. When it comes to cyclical and thematic choices and behaviors that are left unaddressed, we get exactly what we deserve. And, we get what we believe we deserve. This is an important way to view it, because if we are left feeling like we are doomed to victim hood, we are likely to fall into it again. As helpless as we may feel, we often have more control than we think. But we must also hold ourselves accountable too. This is where our power can be discovered. The reason it’s so hard to see it this way is because we’re often already feeling defeated. If we are chronically getting physically or verbally beaten, it gets harder to fight back. We do deserve better. But we only get the better when we treat ourselves as we deserve. When we do for ourselves as we deserve. Deserving better comes with action, it won’t fall into our laps without the work.

Mental Responsibilities

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09-26-2021

We are responsible, first and foremost, for our own mental wellbeing. This isn’t to say that other people should never care, or that we must always suffer alone, this is more so about accountability. Accountability includes learning how our mental health impacts us, how to cope, and also how to recognize when our mental health symptoms/behaviors are impacting others. Our mental health symptoms often meddle in our daily lives and trickle into our relationships. Our symptoms can also get triggered by others. Then, there are times we may unintentionally harm other people when our symptoms are exacerbated.

     In this blog I want to talk about something that is very important, but rarely explored. How our mental health can impact others, and how to recognize it and mitigate this risk. Why? Because if we allow our mental health triggers/ symptoms to harm other people, we risk harming our relational ties and burning the bridges to our support systems. Not only do our mental health issues harm us internally, but they might also harm those around us, the ones we care about the most. This isn’t about blame, but about recognizing our human mistakes in relation to our mental projections.

       Many clients/ friends have vented about the issue of “no one cares”, or they have “driven many people away” due to their mental health condition. They often sum it up to an overall lack of empathy. Though this may be true at times, the other truth is harder to swallow. The reality that when our mental health condition goes untamed and unmanaged, it may do harm onto others. It may drive people away when we do not claim responsibility for recognizing, healing, monitoring, caring for and managing our symptoms in an appropriate manner.

     When desperation sinks in, people seek help from outside sources. And one of the most common mistakes many individuals with mental illness will make, is blurring the lines between help, and codependency. Meaning, we start relying on other individuals to be totally and completely responsible for our own mental wellbeing. Below, I will give various examples of what this can look like.

Examples of Assigning mental responsibility onto others:

  • When I’m sad/ bored I need you to be funny and keep me entertained.
  • When you do not text me back, you know I get anxious, I need you to text me within XX amount of time so I can calm down.
  • I need you around X amount of time so that I’m not lonely.
  • I really need a gym partner to workout with, otherwise I’m unmotivated and can’t go.
  • You made me angry and made me do that to you by being x, y, z.
  • You should do _________ for me so that I can feel like you care.
  • No one will help me!!! So why bother? It’s pointless. (Proceeds to never help themselves)
  • I would do _________, but my _________ won’t, so I won’t either.

     What do all of these examples have in common? The fact that if we do these things, we are pressuring other people to ease our symptoms for us. And why is this a problem? Because other people’s behaviors are out of our control. Another crucial issue with this is the guilt it may put onto others to try to ‘fix’ or ‘cure’ your mental distress. This can, in the long run, lead to resentment. Just as important as it is to choose our support system wisely, it is equally as important NOT to abuse our support system. The more reasonable/ practical way to ease the majority of our symptoms, is by learning to cope/ sooth ourselves. This can be done with the aid of a mental health therapist, life coach, self-help books, healthy coping activities and more. Our support system is for support, but no one in our support system can cure us completely. No one in our support system will be available to us always, because, they also have a life with their own life stressors. Also, some people may exacerbate our symptoms when we become codependent and/ or rely too heavily on them to ‘fix’ our issues. This will then have a counterproductive impact on our mental health/ healing goals.

     Taking accountability for our mental distress looks like:

  • This person did not message back or help, therefore they are not the person I go to when I need to confide.
  • I’m feeling ________ symptoms, _________ most likely triggered it. My best way to cope is by doing X. (Then proceed with engaging in chosen coping tool)
  • This person’s action made me feel upset because it triggered my memory of _______.
  • I am going to research my symptoms of ________ so that I can understand it better and better help myself in the future.
  • This person or circumstance upsets me OFTEN, therefore I will create boundaries with said person or circumstance so that I may protect myself/ heal properly.
  • It (mental illness/ symptom) is NOT my fault, and it is NOT fair, but there are things that I can do to manage or alleviate it, and I will try my best because I deserve to feel as good/ healthy as I possibly can.

       Conclusion:

      Accountability is always a delicate matter, but I have found when I help clients learn these tools, they are more equipped for handling their mental health condition. The clarity can work wonders and allow for a more beneficial healing process. And again, it is not about handling mental illness in isolation, it is about learning the healthiest way to navigate it while keeping our support systems intact. The goal is to do less harm to ourselves and others, so that we may never be alone. And also so, that when we happen to be alone, we can manage well.  As we put this into practice, we will become a more mature individual when it comes to managing our mental health and mitigating the harm it could do unto others. AKA: Mental Growth.

Perception is NOT Reality

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 9-15-2021

“They see only what we let them see. Everything else is up to them to dig up and find. Yes, it is a test that very few will pass.” -EaE

     “Perception is reality”, one of the many lines that made me cringe when I was active-duty military. Especially working in the mental health clinic, this was the higher ups way of lecturing us to behave ourselves at all times. Both in and out of uniform, 24/7. Why? Because if anyone see’s us acting a fool we would embarrass our work section, our squadron, our Med Group and overall, the entire wing. “Perception is reality” meant it does not matter who we are, all that matters is what people perceive. That perception will be the ‘truth’, regardless of the actual truth. Truth no longer mattered; our reputation was everything. Our reputation could make or break our career. This lesson carried me far in my professional life, but it also had some deep emotional/ mental consequences.  

     One of the more difficult things about living in a society where we are forced to prioritize ‘acting’ above being ourselves for the sake of reputation, is that we lose sight of who we actually are. The motivation and motive behind our actions are no longer genuinely us, rather they are about reputable preservation. When this becomes the norm, humans will even forget why they do what they do, day in and day out. Norms are rarely questioned; routine is rarely questioned. The infamous “That’s just the way it is” is the answer we get. This is supposed to justify everything and leave us in our ruts and routines. In our cycles, whether we want to stay there or not.

     Perception is not reality. The more we cling to the opposite, the more we become the society that does not ask questions. The less we feel the need to summon up the strength to look for more evidence. The more we lack critical thinking skills. The more we jump to conclusions and judge with little knowledge. The more we push people out because we think our initial perception is truth and fail to explore actual reality. Below are some common perceptions that we may fake as reality.

     Smiling and busy means ‘happy and okay’

          Here’s the actual reality, people tend to applaud and praise burnout. We are highly attracted to the ‘busy bodies’ of the world and will constantly reinforce their actions through positive talk and encouragement. We may also cling to the belief that because someone is working excessive hours with a smile on their face, that they are surely ‘fine’ and physically/ mentally healthy. Why do we praise this vs express concern? 1- It’s easier to deal with because no issues expressed by our counterparts means less emotional/ mental work for us. 2- They may serve as our role models, something to aspire to. 3- They may be our caregivers or breadwinners; therefore, we want them to be ‘okay’ to continue taking care of us. Why is this a problem in the long run? This role or act, along with the pressure/ reinforcement by others, may cause said person to embody the persona, to the point of no longer knowing how to stop or ask for help. A refusal to ever take on the ‘helpee’ role, although realistically, we all do need help sometimes. Your boss, coworker, friend, family member and/ or acquaintance that is working fifty plus hours a week, constantly smiling and always appears to ‘have their shit together’ could actually be suicidal. Never forget that.

     Drug Users are ‘lazy junkies’:

     Are there drug addicted people that tear their entire lives a part and destroy everyone in their path? Absolutely. There always have been and there always will be. A serious drug addiction is no joke and not to be taken lightly. However, are there also enormous amounts of people that use drugs regularly and are able to function and hold down jobs, social lives, parenting and more? Absolutely. The drug is not the addict, and the addict is not the drug. Addiction is in the mind, while drugs are potential tools. As a society, we stigmatize and taboo the drug, and forget that it’s the mind that has everything to do with how this drug will be used, or potentially abused. Some minds will never abuse a drug to the point of destroying their life, while some minds crave the drug over any/ everything else, including loved ones. Some minds will literally crave death unless they feel that high or low again. Despite the perception that ‘we do drugs and ruin our lives’, in most cases, we actually do drugs to ‘save our lives’ when it’s the only thing we know of that helps. So, rather than taboo this subject, it would be more helpful to openly talk about it. It’s imperative that we educate ourselves more and combat the shame associated with falling into a drug use pattern. And just to clarify, talking and educating is NOT the same as encouraging.

     The Worker Persona is ‘Who we are’:

      This one is near and dear to my heart, and I believe it’s because I have worked in mental health/ social services for the past 14 years. I have had an endless series of perceptions thrown my way regarding my chosen career and ‘who I am expected to be’ due to this choice. Our job is NOT who we are, but because we spend so much time doing it, that’s an easy fact to forget. It can be a serious issue when we are pressured to create our work persona. But what’s even worse? When we are pressured to take that persona everywhere with us, even when we are off duty. As a therapist I was often expected, by my peers, to be a free confidant, superior with my own life/ self-care (Laughs), a fortune teller, always grounded and somehow… free of the ‘negative’ emotions. To keep it real, these expectations pushed me into a very bad place over the years. It was a heavy burden both in and out of work, and I did not have the tools or emotional capacity to address it properly. There are so many parts to the human identity, what we do to make money and pay bills is only one. We are more than that though. I know there are many out there like me whose work lives have taken over and seeped into other departments. I encourage everyone to confront this and make the necessary changes.

Social Media posts tell us ‘All’:

      I, for one, always knew that what we post online isn’t necessarily our whole truth or reality. Why? Because in my 14 years as a working woman, I have rarely posted my job. My social media was, in my mind, for my social life. Friends, family, gym, vacations, silly stuff etc. Through the years, sometimes my posts were met with envy. “Must be nice”, “Do you even work?” “How do you have time for all that?” Well for one, a social media post takes an average of 10-30 seconds of my time. Two. Yes! I have always worked. And those “must be nice’ vacations I took were paid for, by my money, that I EARNED, doing my job(s). I’m not the only one that gets attacked, celebrities take up the brunt of it of course. 😊 The point is, social media is a whole new world in which we can pick and choose what we want portrayed. The options are limitless! Our social media personality can also drastically differ from our actual real-life personality. For example, online I am often described as silly, outgoing, and social. When in real life, I am the ‘Debbie downer’ with major depression that can barely summon up the energy to conversate when I am dragged to social events. It’s not beneficial to assume social media is reality. And hopefully, we never lose sight of the benefits of organic socializing. AKA Real life.  

You don’t Have to

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 8-17-2021

“Being forced, controlled and coerced is a lifestyle that humans are very much capable of adapting to. They can sustain life in chaos, and upon absence of it… find themselves lost.” -EaE

     Living in a world of unlimited options and opportunities but yet, confined by… rules, ethics, moral dilemmas, obligations, imaginary shame that keeps us torn. I often find myself wondering about these rules and restrictions. Where did they come from? Says who? Many have accused me of being rebellious, stubborn, thick headed etc. Call it an issue with authority from childhood traumas and military restrictions, but I will always question rules. Specifically, I find myself automatically triggered and questioning when a person poses a: “You must”, “you should”, or a ‘you have to’ in my direction. Mind you, I am not an angry person, but I will often counter. “Must”, “Should, and “Have to” are all very strong statements. Can we back them up? Do we have sense and logic behind these statements and demands on our peers and family members? Do we even think about where it all comes from? For the sake of the blog, I will break this down into categories and discuss the things we are programmed to feel we must do, that we actually DO NOT have to do.

      You do NOT have to:

  • Work a 9-5 until you retire and die

The fascinating thing about working in our modern world in the U.S. is the vast amount of options we have. Yes, we can work what we call the “9-5” type job with a pension that we must commute to until we are almost dead. However, there is entrepreneurship, online work from home, van life and more. Also, this means the methods to training for our respective jobs vary. It could be college, vocational school, crafting, military, sitting at home on a computer all day building an online business, traveling the world and blogging/ vlogging. That being said, when we are preaching to the youth that the way of the future is definitely college and a 9-5, we are doing a disservice. There are many options, and perhaps their skills and desires are geared more toward something outside of the conventional “9-5”.

  • Give friends or family money or constant help/ emotional support

We often tie obligations to our relationships with friends/ family and intimate partners. How can we not? These relationships require an intimate/ close knit type of enmeshment, but if we are not careful, it could become codependent and/ or even toxic. We all know that someone who constantly has a ‘fire’ to put out so to speak. The damsel in distress, the unlucky person that ‘can’t catch a break’, there is always an emergency. Then sometimes, it becomes ‘your emergency too’. Why? They’re your ‘family’, or your ‘friend’, you ‘must’, you ‘owe’ it to them. “They would do it for you’. It is absolutely okay to help our friends and family, but not at the detriment to our own physical, mental, spiritual health or financial stability. Helping someone is something we do when we have the resources and the motivation to give. Helping does not require us to deplete ourselves. If you are depleting yourself for someone, you are no longer giving them a helping hand. Rather, you are burdening yourself and resentment will likely build up and harm the relationship more.  

  • Get married

Marriage is a heavily romanticized notion and often preached as a ‘Must do’ in life. Preached as a significant milestone as well as a symbol of ‘growing up’ and taking your life seriously. Unfortunately, (especially due to serving in the military) I have seen many kids (I say kids referring to our brains under the age of 26 since that’s how long it takes to develop) get married and divorced. If I had caved to the societal pressure like I wanted to a couple times, I would have been married and divorced twice by now, at the age of 31. We DO NOT have to get married, and even more importantly, we do not have to get married young. The amount of changing our brains, point of views, wants, needs, traits undergo through the decades is quite fascinating. It also means, the promises we try to make and commit toward in our early to late twenties could fall apart by our thirties. We do not know what we are committing to and sacrificing, due to the fact that we do not know who we will be in the next five years or more. And sadly, divorces can be expensive and tedious. Happy hunting and choose wisely… if at all.

  • Have kids

The greatest sacrifice of all, yet it is preached as the next big automatic milestone, right after marriage. Heavily pressured even for selfish reasons such as your parent wants to be a grandparent now, your friends all have kids and want to see you suffer along side them. The sexist man you work with is judging you for not doing your reproductive duties as a woman. It is your duty as a grown up to raise and train the next generation, and if you do not you are ‘selfish’ and ‘self-centered’. The list goes on. To this day, it baffles me how incredibly hard, time consuming, mentally taxing and expensive parenting a child is. Yet, it is still so heavily pressured despite those sacrifices. Yes, there is also reward, love, and mind-blowing experiences, but it is NOT for everyone. I repeat, parenting is NOT for everyone. I absolutely respect parents, my hats off to them for their hard work and sacrifices. As a social worker, I also respect those that know they do not have what it takes to raise children, and the discipline to go against peer pressure and make the conscious choice to never have them.

  • Forgive anyone

There is a myth that we must forgive in order to set ourselves free. No, we do not. We never have to forgive. As a matter of fact, we are better off not forgiving some people and pushing/ keeping them far away… forever. Some good examples include our abusers/ assaulters, toxic/ manipulative family members/ friends/ intimate partners that kept using us. Those shitty coworkers that made an already unbearable job even more unbearable for years and years. The correct quote, from my experience is: “We do not have to forgive, but we have to accept.” Accept the pain that was inflicted, accept and acknowledge who is harmful. Create the boundaries and take proper precautions so that it is likely not to happen again. Sometimes protecting ourselves requires us to NEVER forgive some people. Sometimes it’s even our own flesh and blood. Or that person we knew since we were young that we thought would be in our lives forever. Or the person we thought we would marry forever. Despite popular belief, forgiveness is not what set’s us free. Acceptance set’s us free. Learning/ accepting that we do not need anyone besides the person in the mirror, as well as the ones who supplement our lives vs destroy our lives. That sets us free.

  • Stay up to date

Anyone that truly knows me at this point, knows that I have a heavy aversion to the news. I have filtered roughly ninety percent of it out of my life. This includes newspapers, TV, social media etc. Being a trauma therapist in Brooklyn during 2020 should give some good ideas as to why. Serving in the military and seeing firsthand what the government does as well as what they hide from people is another. Watching friends/ family bicker all day on social media in vicious cycles over things they rarely have control over all the while raising their blood pressure and damaging their emotional wellbeing, another. Due to this conscious decision to clear my head of media, I was often given the line of “You must stay informed” or “it’s a privilege to not have to know”. My first counter is, one, I actually have found that I can still live and breath despite being uninformed. Two, I absolutely agree it is a privilege as well as a right to not have to know, and I practice this privilege on the daily. It has worked wonders; my PTSD and depression symptoms have lowered significantly.

  • Stay accessible

Yes, the majority of us have smart phones and social media. However, that does not mean anyone has the right to intrude on our solitude and personal time at any given time. Due to our unlimited amount of options with technological communication, there has been a shift in social dynamics as well as expectations. The dynamic and ‘norm’ is that we are all connected online with various media outlets, the expectation is that we keep up with appearances and connections. That our profiles stay updated, that we respond within a ‘reasonable’ amount of time since we surely have our smart phones on us. And if we don’t? Then it may be assumed we do not like that particular person we are ‘ignoring’ or that we don’t care enough. The reality is, every individual has a different level and preference of time they spend on their phone and social media. Everyone has a right to choose how much accessibility people have to them at any given time. We do not have to be accessible 24/7. If your loved ones are pressuring you to stay connected 24/7, then it is likely that they fell victim to an expectation reality mismatch due to this new online media phenomenon.

  • Stay censored or pretend to be okay

Toxic positivity, stigmatized and taboo mental health topics, people heavily rooted in their personal cognitive dissonance all result in a pressure for us to stay quiet. Just ‘stay positive and never speak up’ even when things bother us. We have a freedom and right to emotional/ verbal expression. We have a right to love our country, community, jobs and social norms or we have a right to hate it and speak against it. That is the beauty, and often we lost sight of this. I would rather hear someone scream in disagreement at the top of their lungs, vs live in a culture where everyone is forced/ pressured into congruency and similar thinking. Our mind is our most precious asset, if someone has control over it, that takes away our most powerful freedom and form of expression. It’s okay not to be okay, and it is okay to disagree with the ‘normal’ pattern of thinking exhibited by your peers. Have at it!