Changes

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 8-04-2021

“As of now, I do not recognize myself, but that is okay. I hope I am always changing, and for the better.” -EaE

       “I’m not myself anymore”. I have heard this line quite often, both in clinical settings and when having deep discussions with friends and family. My take? Why is this such a bad thing? To be different? To have undergone changes after the different events that take place in our lives? Are we supposed to stay the same? Do we expect that we will stay the same over the course of our lives? Perhaps, it is that we are grieving our old identities and the traits we cherished the most, that dissipated over time. Regardless of the reason(s), we will change overtime, and if the acceptance of this fact is constantly resisted, we will suffer more.

     The most important thing to recognize when undergoing life changes and adjustments is how we will be required to adjust and adapt our lifestyles accordingly. This is where the most resistance tends to happen. As human beings, we tend to want to hang onto our habits, routines, and lifestyles. However, as we change environmentally, physiologically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally it may force us to also have to change our lifestyles. Why? Because the above changes create both new abilities, as well as new limitations. Self-insight is crucial as we undergo these changes.

      New Limitations: 

     There are many changes/ factors that could potentially contribute to new limitations in our lives. The issue is that societally speaking, we are often shamed for our limitations and expected to push past them ‘at all costs’. I cannot stress enough that no one will know how you are suffering quite like yourself, and you must listen to your body and mind if it no longer has the capacity to do something you were once able to do. This should not lead to shame, but rather, life adjustments. Life adjustments so that we may prolong our mental and physical health. That is actually the purpose of how limitations may serve us: long-term health. Limitations WILL happen organically overtime as we grow, enter new phases of life and/ or age.  But, limitations may also happen unexpectedly with life trauma’s, grievances, stressors and/ or tragedies. 

This can include but is not limited to losing loved ones, job loss, natural disasters, legal stressors, financial stressors, acute medical conditions, assault, mental illness onset, having children, caregiving for family members/ friends and so on. Unfortunately, even with these added stressors and barriers to self-care, our environmental circumstances and societal expectations will rarely change on a whim. Meaning the cost of things stays the same, the demand of work hours stays the same and we rarely have time to tend to ourselves in a time of crisis or chronic stress.

Perhaps the most important question of all is: “What are you willing to change and shift in your life so that you may prioritize yourself first?” Granted, this is not a question that is ever really asked to us, and it is not a question we ask ourselves. We are rarely in the practice of considering our health and mental health. We are rarely in the practice of giving ourselves permission to lessen our loads. We have this choice, yet we do not realize it. Therefore, we will hardly make the necessary changes to relieve ourselves of burden.

         New Abilities:

     On a positive note, as stated earlier, changes can also lead us to gain new abilities. As many people popularly discuss, adversity and stress can also polish us and help us gain strength and wisdom. This requires us to dig deep and search for the rainbows in even the harshest of storms. This does not negate the fact that all changes will come with adjustment stressors and growing pains. What it means, is that we humans are innovative and adaptable. We have the option of making lemonade out of sour lemons. We can grieve and cry while we build and adapt. We can somehow fall apart as we polish our pieces and put them back together, consecutively. This is how strong we are.  We endure, we persevere.

New abilities we gain can include critical thinking skills, wisdom, kinetic knowledge, social skills, empathy, expanded worldview, patience, unconditional acceptance, protective boundaries, more meaningful relationships etc. With this being said, changes can be an incredible thing. How much are we willing to soak in and learn from our experiences? Can we see our bad fortune, also, as a learning experience that can help us later in life? Can we afford ourselves the time to heal from our trauma while also using it to bring forth new and worthwhile character traits?

     The important question to ask ourselves here is: “How badly do we want to change and grow? For the better?” This may seem simple, but stuck points exist, and no one is immune to emotional pain or falling deep into a stuck point from time to time. What does a stuck point look like? It looks like losing hope, losing momentum, developing a 24/7 victim mentality, and losing all confidence that we have control over our livelihood. This is a horrible place to be, and a very hard hole to dig ourselves out of. To develop new abilities and positive changes we must learn to climb. This will look different for everyone, as our holes and our mountains vary in depths and size. Our resources and support systems as well as our ability to ask for help may also vary. Again, self-insight is crucial! 

        Conclusion:

Yes, you will change, yes, it is normal. No, it is not necessarily a bad thing. Yes, you will likely grieve while going through the changes. It is also necessary to reflect and adapt your lifestyle accordingly. Don’t hide or shy away from it, don’t fight it or resist. Take notes, be honest with yourself and others. Combat the shame others may throw your way. Remember despite the myths you are told; it is all a part of the process of growing/ aging in life. No, you do not owe anyone explanations, you owe yourself leniency and unconditional self-acceptance.

Invisible Heroes

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 7-22-2021

“It is a dark, painful and torturous path to take. And we do not do it for reward, we do it because it is right.” -EaE

Just as invisible and unseen as the mental health world is, so is that of the work that is done to alleviate or cure these mental illnesses. I’ve heard all the myths imaginable:

“All they (therapists) do is tell you what you want to hear.”

“They just let you talk and then take your money.”

“How is talking to anyone going to solve my problems? I can talk to friends instead.”

“All you guys do is listen; how does it help to rehash old things?”

“You want to send us inpatient or get us into trouble with the law.”

“People just use mental illness and therapy as a crutch and an excuse.” 

      We’re helping agents more than harming ones (ideally). We are change agents more than we listen and allow clients to stay the same. We empower vs allowing illnesses to become an ‘excuse’ or crutch. We recognize limitations yet find ways to help people think outside the box and go above and beyond those limitations. We save people more than condemn them. Even when it seems we have to make a decision that puts someone else out of their comfort zone, it is still for their safety and the safety of those around them/ us.

     I could never talk much about what I did to save people, for obvious reasons, HIPAA. That is why therapists truly are the invisible heroes. All other heroes can often talk about their heroics. Maybe it will be in the news, maybe they are not bound by confidentiality. Maybe they rescued people that are willing to brag about them later. Therapists? Never. Our stories and heroics will often go untold. We do not do this job for reward, and if anyone seeks it out for reward, they may be gravely disappointed. It is never about recognition when working in mental health. It’s about helping heal others with the recognition that that sacrifice will better society, and in turn, ourselves.

     Therapists do, in fact, save people from killing themselves, save people from killing other people, save children who are suffering from child abuse in their households, save people who are in vicious cycles of incarceration. We save people going through domestic violence, save people from false accusations, save people going through chronic homelessness. There are some people who credit us with saving their lives, then there are people walking around that have no idea, that a therapist saved them from a homicidal or angry/ violent client. There is a military platoon sergeant that did not get shot/ killed by one of our homicidal soldiers. There is a college professor that does not know I saved him from a false sexual assault allegation. There are people in Brooklyn that do not know I saved them from the fantasy/ plan of creating a gunline of angry/ prejudice people meant to target BLM protestors. There is a veteran that did NOT end up threatening his college more and then killing himself due to failed grades. 

     Obviously, some of these were very serious matters, yet the world will rarely know about them or what exactly was prevented… since it was, in fact, prevented. Every therapist has stories much like these, they come home exhausted and worn down. The people around them wondering ‘how could it really be that bad?’ The movies may often portray it like we have very gentle, easy going and sometimes even comical sessions. The general public cannot imagine just how bad a person’s mind can get when everything has worn them down to the point of helplessness, rage and/ or desperation. We hear the secrets that most people deflect away from their everyday lives, we take on that burden unbeknownst to many. 

     Because of this, self-care is even more crucial. Maya Angelou had written one of my most favorite quotes that I believe captures the essence/ hardship of a therapist’s burden: “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.” A mass abundance of trauma/ grief and/ or emotional stories accompanied by the mandate that we stay silent about them means we are living in agony quite often, all alone. It’s isolating to say the least. If you know a therapist, there are some do’s and don’ts that can be quite helpful.

       Don’t: 

–          Solicit free therapy from them on their off time

–          Downplay their emotional burden

–          Compare your job to there’s 

–          Intrude on their boundaries

–          Disrespect or mock their self-care routine

Do: 

–          Acknowledge the stress/ emotional drain

–          Be a listener for them if you are down for it (we rarely get to talk)

–          Give space when requested

–          Respect the way in which our social setting is preferred

–          Talk about things that have nothing to do with work sometimes

     I worked as a mental health technician for a total of ten years, and a mental health therapist for a total of 3.5 years (not including my internship experiences). With that being said, there are three major things I believe was missing for me: 1- Boundaries 2- A good support system 3- A self-care routine. It could have made all the difference, but I did not know what I did not know. My professional development was always on point, but I sacrificed self-insight in the process and many other things fell apart as a domino effect. 

     A lack of boundaries meant going above and beyond my capabilities at work and at home. It meant always being the ‘yes girl’ even when I had no free time or energy, when I had nothing left to give. This led to incredibly fast burnout. A lack of a good support system meant coming home to people that did not care how stressed or burnt out I was and continued to put more demands on me. Or hanging out with people that took advantage of my skills and empathy despite my fatigue. Then, a personal lack of self-care was the ‘Cherry on top’ I needed to create a perfect recipe for disaster. Lacking self-care first means, lacking self-awareness and what is needed in order to make sure we sustain ourselves over a long period of time. I did not have this due to a dysfunctional upbringing followed by a toxic military career. I know better now. Had these three things not been lacking, I may have been able to sustain a clinical career for a longer period of time. All is not lost; we learn from even our greatest hardships. 

If you know an invisible hero, be good to them, they are going through more than they care to admit, and more than you may know. If you are an invisible hero, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, I understand and have felt the sacrifice and your work is important even when no one is watching.

Judge less, Listen more

Elisa A Escalante/ LCSW/ 7-4-2021

“You can’t say that you truly value diversity, if you do not value the diversity of the human mind. And yes, this also means the differences in our world views.” -EaE

Every now and then, a therapist is tasked with the nerve-racking assignment of giving therapy to… another therapist. Yes, this is very intimidating, they know the craft too! It’s challenging enough to build rapport with clients, but to constantly wonder if they are analyzing and critiquing your therapy style is a whole other challenge.

Fortunately, I was able to build rapport, and found my therapist client not only discussing his own life, but also the frustrations with his caseload in his private practice. This was 2020, political tensions very high.

“How in the world do you bite your tongue when your client has completely different political beliefs? Beliefs that you may find damaging, bigoted or destructive?” A question he posed to me. A very good question!

My answer: “I look at it in terms of how I can learn from a persons viewpoints. When I hear their beliefs and how they came to that conclusion about said beliefs, I then know more about who they are. Something led to those beliefs, there’s a story there that is going to unfold. There is upbringing, influences, traumas, grievances and life lessons that led them to the very viewpoint they have. No matter how off it may seem, it will all make sense after you hear their story.”

The therapist client praised my outlook and also let it sink in. It is, after all, very hard to bite our tongues in session at times! We are the listeners, the helping agents. More often than not, we don’t get to have a voice. We judge less, and listen more by trade. We also wish more of humanity would adopt these values.

Why do we judge?

⁃ Blame shifting

⁃ Eases insecurity

⁃ Allows for a target to project anger toward

⁃ We believe we know more than we do

⁃ We only heard the bad part of the story

⁃ Discomfort in diversity

⁃ Fear of confronting our personal cognitive dissonance

⁃ We find other people’s misfortunes comical

⁃ We get a false sense of superiority

Why don’t we listen?

⁃ It takes more mental energy vs simply talking about what we already know

⁃ Time crunches

⁃ Peoples emotions may trigger us

⁃ We may inherently put ourselves first

⁃ We may already dislike the speaker and therefore dismiss their views

⁃ We compulsively want to argue against what was said that we happen to disagree with

⁃ Stress/ burnout/ compassion fatigue

Again, there is a story behind every individuals worldview. No one is born with a world view, it gets shaped over time with societal, environmental, family and peer influences. We are a victim of circumstances at times, and also, a victim to our world view so to speak. Unless something else comes along to shaken and stir up our life, it could be cemented in for quite some time.

With this information, it’s important to note, we aren’t going to change someone’s life long world view with a five minute internet argument. Sorry to break it to people. Then when in a state of anger, hurling insults as their bias conflicts with your bias, the end result will likely be, no ones mind has changed but now there is a mutual disrespect.

Why is this tactic so common when it has proven not to work time and time again? It seems the less we feel heard and validated, the crankier we get. Pay attention, we need to listen to each other.

I can’t even begin to express how many times I said one thing that bothered me and was accused of being an endless series of things that I am not. Pre recorded assumptions and insults hurled my way because I had a vent that sounded too …. familiar? Triggering? It’s obvious when someone isn’t finished arguing with the last person they argued with. The key sign? It doesn’t even sound like they are staying on task with what you’re debating about.

I’ve spent a good deal of time (shamefully) reading social media arguments. Though a lot of this was for entertainment purposes, I started to find a surplus of wisdom through it. I now know the argument, counter argument, counter to the counter argument etc for almost every hot topic in America. I also was able to learn what brought people to the conclusions they landed on. Being completely honest, it did get boring after a while. I would truly like to see new and improved talking points/ perceptions.

Many get angry when others viewpoints don’t match there’s. I often get happy. It reminds me of the freedom and liberty we have to be different. The freedom we have to get in our silly little online arguments all day long. We have the freedom to believe as we want. The freedom to engage in the argument or block someone. The freedom to watch the news all day or decide to stop watching it all together.

But again, for wisdom and clarity, I do advise that we practice the art of judging less and listening more. It expands the world view, it fosters respect and it weeds out unnecessary banter. With that I will say, Happy Firework Day, be mindful that you are triggering the veterans. If you actually care about that, please keep the fireworks in a respectable and predictable location!!! (I can only wish!)

A Clinicians Poem

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-21-2021

They say they can tell me anything.

And they mean it, they tell me everything.

Then I care, but then don’t care,

I’ve been living in a nightmare.

It’s a gift and a curse I say,

they trust me, how did it get this way?

From hearing secrets on the playground…

to helping people find escape routes?

They say it’s so rewarding,

that it will always be my calling…

but they don’t see what’s in their eyes,

as they tell me that they want to die.

I see the scars left on their minds,

and their wrists from the other night.

And burnout is a real thing,

I’m often haunted by the things they say.

From the torture that the girl saw,

and the blood scattered on the walls.

The man who saw his wife get shot,

And that girl who survived assault. 

Or the soldier that wanted to die,

used his M16 to end his life,

just hours after I talked to him,

I’ll always wonder what it is I did?

This job isn’t for the weak,

Or the ones that don’t know how to speak,

It takes something that is so unique,

a different set of qualities.

I always say that it chose me,

that this is who I’m meant to be,

I can’t run from it if I tried,

they still find me to confide.

It’s a full-time type of life,

even my boyfriend’s, friend’s new wife…

and some stranger that I just met,

because emotions will never end.

For there to be a job for me,

I relied on people’s misery,

and that is what hurts the most,

I’m between a rock and a solid stone.

Motivation can’t be Bought

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-16-2021

“Helping isn’t necessarily about having all the right answers. It’s about having the right amount of empathy to validate a struggle that may be outside your comprehension.” -EaE

Life Coaches, fitness trainers, crash diets, public figures, iconic gurus and more. People dying to become the “best version of themselves” with no luck. Repeated attempts at attaining what seems to be unattainable. Frustration experienced by workers when they are unable to help people get past these “stuck points”. Simple solutions and “quick fixes” often getting thrown out in blanket advice form.

I am in no way bashing anyone’s profession, I respect them all and have seen people in the career fields above do some respectable work with people. I have seen plenty of individual transformation stories as well. However, it goes deeper than what meets the eye. Motivation cannot be bought, and that is often what people are trying to buy because it’s hard to summon up within themselves at times.

I always say it isn’t the education and information people are necessarily buying when they hire trainers/ coaches/ mentors. Now a days, we have access to all the info we need, even access to free online workout plans that cater to our body types and goals. We have access to plenty of online advice from professionals as well. What we cannot attain for free, is motivation. So I say, when people hire trainers, coaches and mentors, they are actually attempting to buy motivation.

“I need a workout partner” / “I can’t do it alone” / “I need someone to push me or make me do it” / “I don’t have time” / “I don’t know where or how to get started”. These are common sayings from clients when they want to make changes.

“All you have to do is eat less, do more” / “get past that and move forward” / “today is as good as any day to start” / “it’s easy why can’t they just …. x/y/z”. These are common sayings from motivated, fit, “together” type people talking about people in “stuck points”, that seem to be in a perpetual cycle of goal attempting, but then falling short.

STUCK POINTS

This is the piece of knowledge that everyone, besides mental health professionals, is missing. If you have ever wondered why your friend continues to binge eat despite saying they want to lose fifty pounds, or your relative continues to abuse drugs, in denial year after year. That coworker that always complains about their relationship and stays in it anyways, or the person that hates their job so much, but is afraid to leave it. These are psychological stuck points, they can last for years, decades or even the rest of our lives.

Throwing practical advice out, as our country often does through word of mouth, advertisements and more, will not get a person past a stuck point. The root cause of a psychological stuck point goes so deep, it takes a lot of work to penetrate it. If you’re wondering why someone, or yourself, doesn’t have the motivation to help themselves in what seems to be a very obvious way, you have to identify what is really stopping this.

We may not want what we actually say we want, we may be terrified of what we think we want. We may be ambivalent and pre contemplating this want because it’s societally pushed vs an actual want. We may be too mentally ill to accomplish that particular goal and pushing toward it is draining every ounce of energy we have, and now, we can’t identify why it is even worth it anymore.

Too often than not, the advice given to people in stuck points is likely something they have heard, over and over again. It won’t change where they stand, it will not get them moving any faster toward that goal. They could be in denial, or they could be depleted and done.

The unfortunate thing is that the more some people try, and then “fail”, the harder it becomes to “start over” again on the “right” track. The other unfortunate? It may not be that you’re a failure, it’s actually more likely that you took the wrong approach. You didn’t firstly, address the root cause of your stuck point.

Motivation as a habit

True motivation is a practiced habit, and it is easier to practice when it is something we naturally gravitate toward. It’s easier when we can eventually see/ or feel benefits overtime. Its easier practiced in a safe and supportive environment. Yes, this does mean dysfunctional households create severe setbacks to goal making, time to practice healthy habits, energy to work toward a goal etc.

Many fitness plans and life coaching plans center toward present day goals and moving forward. However, if say, an adult is suffering from an unprocessed mental stuck point that hit at the mere age of 10, they aren’t going to get very far. Time and money will get wasted. A person may then become disempowered vs empowered. This digs that individual even deeper into that stuck-point. Creating an ambivalence toward any real practice of “change” because “it just doesn’t seem possible for them”.

You can then see, how what’s supposed to be a helping profession can actually do a lot of harm, if we are not careful with addressing root causes. Throwing methodical and logical plans at someone that is suffering from severe anxiety, ptsd, self destructive tendencies, severe feelings of worthlessness and/ or an addiction may not work out well. This is where the term “meet the client where they are at” takes on a while new meaning.

To practice motivation in a healthy way, in which we can be empowered, requires us to test our capabilities little by little and practice an unconditional self acceptance toward our mistakes, setbacks and “failures”. To see the roadblocks as “human” vs “this means I’m worthless and should just quit”. It means for some, countering constant cognitive distortions that toxic people have pushed onto them in the past.

For some, motivation comes easier when it is just the activity they have to push past. For others, they must push past the the activity of change, as well as the mental barriers that want to prevent them from change. We must know exactly what we are fighting through and have a realistic idea of how long this practice can take. Small gradual slow break throughs overtime can happen. Being rushed, won’t help. Being told it’s “simple” when it may not be, won’t help.

Encouragement

Regardless of what we may have attempted and “fell short” on in the past, I encourage everyone to go toward something of interest. Especially if this activity/ goal in mind improves multiple areas of our lives. We often don’t require what we think we do, and require what we don’t realize we do. We don’t necessarily need daily workout partners, magical free time, magical energy, quick fixes, a lot of money, tons of praise from peers and an abundance of help.

What’s more valuable, is realistic expectations, boundaries, the knowledge of and practice of self care, self acceptance and the acceptance of shitty days where we will be below average to average. We need the ability to counter shame and give ourselves positive affirmations. I also find that to continue long term, as an athlete, (and this is just my personal advice) it requires a constant reminder of why we are choosing to do what we do.

Treat yourself

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-2-2021

Life is simply too short for all those rules we made up for ourselves with no logical reason as to why.” -EaE

As I sit in La Jolla Cove on one of the beaches in San Diego, I feel my stress and worries melt away. I decided to go where my soul wanted to take me. It happens to be one of my favorite places in the world. After resigning from federal service in February of 2021, I dove headfirst into my free lance writing career. It should come as no surprise that sometimes the hours I work are more lengthy than ever have before. And trust me when I say, especially as a former military member, I am no stranger to long work hours and endless sacrifice.

I used to work with no end in sight, but now I like to work hard and play harder. After all, there is an endless amount of stress we must deal with in order to preserve our life on this earth. So, why not also treat ourselves after all is said and done? We deserve more than just working to survive, we deserve to experience joy. We deserve the “pursuit of happiness” that we were meant to freely explore.

People appear to be at their best when they allow themselves to go where their hearts, minds and souls want to take them. A lot will get in the way. Sometimes we might immerse ourselves into a lifestyle that creates difficult barriers to the very things we want the most.

Why do we do this? Why might we wrap ourselves up into a lifestyle that we might ultimately grow to hate? Where there is limited time for self-care, and limited time to even try to go back to what we truly want?

Pay attention to how almost every day of the week, since we were young, we were told what to want. We were told what we need to attain to make us happy. Whether we believed it or not is a different story. Whether it’s truly what we want it’s a different story. But these were role models of ours, supposedly, telling us what to do and what to want.

There is a good chance that they meant well, and there’s also a good chance that it was projection. However, as we grow older and wiser we find out for ourselves. Are these “full proof” and promised “paths to happiness” all that they were “sold” to be?

In the best case scenario, we would be lining our pockets, while also feeding our souls with an ample amount of time to treat ourselves. Wouldn’t that be nice? According to most of my elders, friends and former coworkers, I did everything absolutely correct. I followed a formula toward success, and did an incredible job with it.

I completed a military enlistment including a deployment, honorably separated, earned a Masters degree in social work and started a good paying job with the VA in the heart of Brooklyn. I also ended up having a fiancé and step-kids. It felt and looked “picture perfect”. I made all of this happen by the time I was 28 years old. This was how it was supposed to be done. How I was raised, how I was taught to perform, with grit instilled in me since childhood.

It’s important for everyone to know that in our chase for what we have coined as the “American Dream”, there is an incredible amount of sacrifice. Then unfortunately, those sacrifices may happen in vain. Why? Because we might not even want it. I created a lifestyle that I was told to want, I sacrificed what I would later realize was the MOST important of all: my mental health.

Though I had always suffered from PTSD and depression since I was young, the military exacerbated it while also pressuring me to numb it out so that I may put the mission first. Then, my job as a clinical therapist post military, exacerbated it even more. I could numb it out no longer.

The sacrifices that deteriorated my mental health included: free time, self care, emotional processing, healing, a social life, single hood so that I may explore what I actually want/ like, soul searching and deep self exploration. I belonged to guardians/ parents, then I “belonged” to the military and men. I prided myself in my work ethic and associated accomplishments, but unfortunately, I robbed myself of knowing who I really was. This I will now have to explore, but I will be making the best of it.

Treating ourselves isn’t necessarily just meant for the rich. You really don’t need that much money at all. This is typically the first barrier clients/ friends identify when I encourage them to treat themselves.

The reality is, treating yourself could be getting your favorite french fries and driving to your favorite spot within a twenty minute distance. It could mean carving out time to experience a little bit of solitude. Or spending time with your favorite person/ people. It could mean changing your routine at least one evening a month. It could mean, a break up, it could mean a job change. It could mean learning to be more frugal so that you don’t have to work yourself to death.

Here’s a big red flag. If you find yourself constantly making excuses for why you cannot “treat yourself”…. excuses such as: money/ limited time/ family/ work/ etc, my first question is, why did you do this to yourself? Why did you rope yourself into a lifestyle that robs you of time to experience joy? With people that do not want you to experience joy? (I do not judge this at all because I have been there myself. I had to ask these hard questions too).

If your situation is different than that, and you happen to have some time for joy, and supportive people that want you to experience it, why aren’t you taking it? Is it obligation? A self destructive nature? Guilt? Shame? Moral injury? Mental health issues? Consumerism and addiction?

I already know where your bills take you. They take you to your job. I know where your job takes you, it takes you out of bed and to work at an hour that you may not appreciate. I know where your significant other might take you, to some places you may not like that much. But, where does your heart and soul take you? When you are honestly listening to it? Are you afraid to listen to it and go there? If so, why? Do others and/or yourself judge or stop that part of you? Again, why?

Either way, I hope everyone that this may apply to can take this message and use it constructively. I do not have control over much outside of myself, but I love using my writing platform to help those around me. Mental health will always be important. Mental health doesn’t go away. If you are a living, breathing human with a mind, remember it needs to be nurtured. Remember your bucket list. Remember those things you promised yourself you would do for you that you may have lost site of.

Toxic Tolerance

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-15-2021

“We get what we are willing to tolerate.” -EaE

“Just walk away from the fight Elisa, it’s not worth it. No matter what people do, walk away.” I was seven years old when my grandmother passed on these words of wisdom. It’s important to note that this advice came from a place of trauma. She had grieved the murder of several brothers growing up, as well as community violence in the areas around her. She didn’t meddle, she stayed to herself. She kept the peace at all cost, because she knew how bad things could get.

Then fast forward to my teen years, where I had a lot of issues in school with “not fitting in”. I was timid, socially awkward and misunderstood. I had my own traumas. Then Cosmogirl saved me! I read the actress Julia Robert’s quoting the famous “Sometimes it is better to have peace than to be right.”

From then on, I would ascribe to a life of keeping silent, keeping the peace and never engaging in confrontation. It just wasn’t worth it, in my eyes. How many times must I have the same argument in circles? I was already burnt out.

This is what we clinicians refer to as a “survival program” being built into our developing brain. It serves a purpose, it protects us from toxic households and environments. However, it could be completely dangerous as we get older and the programming becomes obsolete or toxic in our newfound environments.

I prided myself in my tolerance. I felt it was my greatest attribute at the time. No one wanted to fight me, most people liked my “kindness”. Little did I know, the consequences of this ‘practice’ would destroy my mental health.

Tolerance as a virtue:

No matter what, every attribute serves a purpose and has its rightful place. Tolerance can prevent horrific things from happening. It could potentially stop fights and stop war. It could help us build communities by seeing past our differences and doing what needs to be done.

Tolerance is that extra special thing you need when you cannot respect that asshole boss and/ or coworkers of yours, but you need that paycheck! Tolerance is what keeps people in those long term relationships, even when they hate each other sometimes. Tolerance is what every person in the military needs, so that they do not lose their minds and go AWOL!

When Tolerance gets toxic:

The sad reality is that there are people that are taught to manipulate, push boundaries and as Charlie Murphy in The Chapelle Show had once said, habitually step lines! Habitual line steppers!

Often this type of behavior comes from childhood abuse and/ or neglect diminishing a persons empathy while also pushing said person to “get theirs” at all cost, even if it means hurting others. After all, a person can only get hurt so much before they stop caring about what they do to others.

It just so happens, tolerant people are a magnet for those types. Too much tolerance leads us to high vulnerability. The more we tolerate, the likelier it is that some may push our boundaries and go a little too far.

Toxic Tolerance, Warning signs:

⁃ Consistent frustration in friendships/ family connections and / or intimate relationships due to the feeling of “being taken advantage of”, but carrying on with the theme and failing to create boundaries.

⁃ Burnout due to excessive amounts of over extending for others, with little to no reward for ourselves.

⁃ Potentially becoming a victim of emotional/ physical/ sexual and/ or financial abuse.

⁃ Being that employee that is the most over worked and also under appreciated. Not getting what you’re worth in compensation.

⁃ Chronic feelings of depression, anxiety and/ or anger due to feeling taken advantage of as well as a sense of helplessness when it comes to breaking the cycle.

What can help?

First and foremost, practice saying no, even if it feels like it’s killing you inside. Even when the compulsion to tolerate a habitual line stepper comes up. Even if guilt comes to the surface. When the guilt comes, don’t cave to it. Rather, explore it. Analyze it. Ask yourself the hard questions. The questions you fear the answers to… but deep down you know you need them.

Toxic tolerance, again, is a survival program we built inside ourselves. Most likely, for a multitude of reasons. Undoing a habit is just as hard, if not harder than what it took to build it up in the first place. This takes work, this is the type of “magic” that happens in the therapy room, and it’s also why so many people run from therapy in the first place.

Also remember, as you change your survival program and boundary levels, the people around you will change. Less tolerance may equate to less “feeling liked”, less “friends”, more uncomfortable situations in which you must practice your assertiveness skills. It’s okay, it means it’s working. It means you are in the practice of creating your new survival programs, healthier ones. If your tolerance meant sacrificing your mental peace, you were doing it wrong.

From Soul Mates to Room Mates

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-2-2021


“No one is worth chasing. Not for love, not for attention, not for fun, not even for truth or closure. The only truth that matters is if I feel you are drifting away, then that means you are not interested anymore. And if you are not interested in me, I won’t be interested in you.” -EaE

       Here I am challenging myself beyond measure, as my father gave me my most difficult blog topic yet, he even chose this title. Being that I am only a few months post a devastating break up, I was not quite sure how to start. However, he gave me this challenge, and I find myself with the need to rise up and discuss relationships, love, the concept of a ‘soul mate’ and the pain of love dying and/ or losing a love. Of all my experience to include clinical experience I still find love to be the trickiest topic of them all. There is no intervention or treatment method that can cure a broken relationship that I am aware of. I even told my first supervisor back when I was working at the Brooklyn Vet center to ‘never give me a couple to work with, I cannot do couples’. When he asked me “how come”, I simply said: “I’ll just tell them to get a divorce”. Call it the lame cliché Disney movies, or both my parents going through multiple marriages, most of my military friends going through divorces, my clients constantly venting about their intimate partnerships and/ or my own issue’s sustaining a relationship, but I had become what we call ‘jaded’. I also have what some clinicians like to refer to jokingly as a ‘broken picker’, meaning I tend to go after people that are ‘bad for me’. 

     I believe there is a reason many say that chemistry and lust is what forms a bond between two people, but it is commitment and compatibility which will determine whether or not they are in it for the long haul. And in many cases, it is becoming increasingly common that these ‘lifelong commitments’ are not so lifelong after all. Do I believe this makes any of us failures? If we cannot sustain a relationship or stay in a marriage until death do we part? Many of my clients procrastinated on divorces that they secretly desired due to the fact that they felt it would mean they would be viewed as a ‘failure’. This means that society’s perception of them far outweighed their happiness. Wow!  I can greatly understand and appreciate that lust/ love can lead us to do some hasty and sometimes irrational things.  However, the lengths most of us have gone through, the pain many of us have endured to fit this ‘norm’ of meet and ‘live happily ever after’ because society, family, friends, books, movies told us so is fascinating. 

My father has been helping me a great deal after my most recent break up (an engagement at that) and I really do appreciate hearing other people’s stories of heart break. It does give me hope. One thing he said that stood out is that he found himself “waking up next to a beautiful woman every day but feeling so alone”. This brought me back to my first serious relationship of nine years. (Onset at the beginning of my Air force career) Remembering how we committed at such a young age without having a grasp on what any of it meant, slowly growing a part but having zero clue how to have that conversation or how to put it to a close. This one really did feel like a from ‘soul mate to roommate’ situation. After reflecting on my own experiences, my clients, as well as my family and friends I have come to realize just how hard it is to end something even when we are miserable. Why? For many people, promises mean something, even when we don’t want to upkeep them anymore.

     Memories and Fantasies

     The reason I am not going to speak on ‘true love’ or ‘how to make a relationship or marriage work’ is because I have never made it to the alter. Instead, I will speak on what I know. In most cases when people stay in a miserable relationship, it has more to do with the memories they built with their partner as well as the future they are fantasizing about and hoping for. It has little to do with their current lack of happiness and/ or logical thinking. Many people I have spoken with in clinical settings as well as social settings have admitted a great deal of relationship stress but ‘hanging on’ due to how much ‘they have been through together’ or the ‘promises they made that they cannot go back on’. Promises are made all the time, especially in relationships, especially in the beginning when we want to do anything to make that other person happy because they make us so happy. However, people change their minds all the time. What we want changes, who we are changes, we learn new things about ourselves everyday and we get further and further from that person that made those initial promises. 

Then there are the fantasies which are often onset and warped by society. Marriage, kids, white picket fence, this love and these feelings WILL last forever, this is the ‘happily ever after’ that we are taught we deserve. Even if our present situation is miserable, maybe we can work through it and still get a fraction of that fantasy we had been hoping for and building onto in our minds since…. Jr High/ High school timeframe. Memories and fantasies will keep a person in a relationship long past its expiration date. The heartbreaking thing about this is, that means you are not in it due to personal desires, but rather hanging on to ‘what was’, as well as a fictional ‘what will be’ that you have created in your own mind. All sense of happiness will be lost, and the mind will continue with this built-in relationship survival program, and for what? Because promises were made, because a breakup is painful, because society may frown upon it, because of money, because of routine, because of a fear of being alone, because we want to believe that we have a “soul mate” too.

I’m not going to go as far as saying soul mates do not exist, however, I don’t think it’s helping us to cling to the concept of it. Truthfully, most people gave me some pretty ridiculous and frustrating advice after my break ups. I’m sure many can relate. An endless series of “don’t worry you will find the one”, “he wasn’t good enough for you” , “your soul mate is out there” etc. Everyone has that person they know that has married roughly 5 or 6 “The ones” in their lifetime. This perpetual cycle is very damaging and often causes us to rush into lifelong commitments with people we are barely compatible with. There is nothing wrong with being single but society still fears it and pushes for everyone to search for “the one”, “the soul mate”. What about self improvement? What about lessons learned? What about self care?

     Reflection

My opening quote may seem a bit harsh or bitter, but it is very well intentioned. I recently became aware of attachment theories and the fact that I am attachment preoccupied due to abandonment issues from my past. This means that I attach easily and anxiously and will often do ‘whatever it takes’ to make something work, even to obsessive and unfair levels. I have put myself through heartache I never deserved. I did learn the hard way that no one, is in fact, worth chasing. Not that anyone is worthless. It is simply that if someone wants to get away from us, we should let them. It is not good for anyone to be in a relationship they do not want. It is also not good for any of us to be blindly in a ‘fake relationship’ that we think our partner wants as equally as us. I vowed to myself that I will never chase anyone again. Not only is this liberating and empowering, but it breaks the vicious cycle of my anxious attachment which led me to more harm than love/ happiness. I do not have to worry about being room mates with a person I no longer find happiness or joy with.

Fighting your Madness

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-25-2021

“All those things that once felt routine, or even easy, we now have to fight ourselves in order to do them. And that is where the frustration and helplessness start to come in. Like, why in the world is this stuff so hard for me now?” -EaE

What are you fighting through to get through the day? Pessimism? Depression? Rage? Anxiety? Intrusive thoughts? Mood swings? Insecurities? Shame? Suicidal thoughts? What does it cost you do this? Time? Work performance? A social life? Intimate relationships? Your peace of mind? Some can relate, some cannot. These wounds, cognitions and struggles are invisible, and therefore rarely talked about. For some, it is hard to fathom how the mind can literally cripple us from living in reality; cripple us from even moving sometimes. It can bring us to long-term ‘stuck points’ that feel nonsensical to many. Whether we like it or not, our mind runs us, but we do not always run our minds. We may lose control. Especially when life is on auto pilot and we are running through the motions of that cemented daily routine we may or may not even like. It is the damage of what happened to us combined with the lack of motivation due to what we must go through to sustain ourselves that could break even the ‘strongest’ of humans. The most important thing first? Validation, period. Everyone needs to know that they are not wrong just because they fell into a vicious cycle of mental madness.

        If you find that it is getting harder to regulate your emotions/ symptoms, your body and mind are trying to tell you that whatever you are in, whatever lifestyle you are sustaining, whoever you are around perhaps, is not good for you. Then the common response is: “I do not have a choice. Life requires me to have this horrible job. Life requires me to raise my kids. Life requires me to do my chores. Society requires me to keep ‘leveling up’ or I will fall behind.” Humans tend to stubbornly keep up at what is slowly eroding their mental health, even when they know it. Why? Common reasons: Habit, routine, fear of failure, heightened sense of obligation/ responsibility, vanity, learned coping and more. Here is the big issue with all of this: We rob ourselves of our holistic health when our ‘survival programs’ and social pressures interfere with our ability to take care of ourselves. The reality is, if you care about anything more than you care about your mental and physical being, you were taught wrong.

     Fight the Madness: 

Depression tells us: Do not move, do not get up. Give into the lethargy, lay around. You are tired, feel sorry for yourself. Withdraw, go inward. Fuck the present moment. Ruminate, over and over again. Reflect on that past that hurt you, hate life for it. Hate the people around you for it. Get into a vacuum of fun/ highs to escape this feeling. Overcompensate, hurt yourself. Give up, give in. Stop trying. It is rarely worth it. Why am I even here? 

Fighting depression looks like: Painfully forcing yourself up, struggling through the first 20-30 min of that workout. Forcing yourself through low self esteem to do things that will surely embarrass you. Fighting those addictive coping mechanisms that will usually give you instant relief. Consistently feeling disconnected from those around you. Forcing smiles, engaging in talk you do not want. Forcing solitude activities in a social world.  Packing the schedule (but hopefully not to a point of burnout). 

Anxiety Tells us: You will fail, do not try. This will most likely happen, assume the worst, do not risk it. Forget the future, you might not get through this day. What is going to happen to me? What is going to happen to those I love most? Are we safe enough? Are we protected? When is the next panic? When is the next bad thing happening? Will I be prepared? Is everyone else okay too? Why is no one talking to me? Am I driving everyone crazy? Why am I like this?

Fighting Anxiety looks like: Putting yourself into situations you fear. Taking risks despite your mind telling you otherwise. Risking public ‘embarrassment’ anytime you go out. Constantly questioning if you are doing the right thing on a daily basis. Dealing with too much adrenaline followed by adrenaline dumps. Putting your equilibrium at risk, fighting severe physiological symptoms. Avoiding the temptation to drown out symptoms with a downer.  

Anger tells us: It is that person/ systems fault. Everything happens to me. I hate people. Here we go again! More stupidity. Why is everything like this?! I’d rather be alone than deal with all the bulls*&t. You cannot trust anyone or anything. You need to lash out now to protect yourself from the threat. You need to scare the threat, make people fear you. You are not going to deal with x/y/z ever again. You will do what needs to be done to stop it from happening. 

Fighting anger looks like: Giving people/ places/ things chances despite the urge to not want to. Forcing yourself to take pauses/ breathers so that you do not react inappropriately. Fighting urges to lash out & protect yourself post triggers. Requiring the exploration of substitute activities to channel the pent-up frustration. Resisting the urge to use substances or compulsive behaviors to numb out the rage.  Forcing yourself through meditative activities to unwind. 

Conclusion- Stop Running: 

Everyone tries to run from their mental illness at first. That is the wrong answer, it turns out. You NEED to get to know your mental illness. You must face it, confront it, learn about it. You need to learn what it does to you, how it contributes to your thoughts, the symptoms it gives you, the things it robs you of everyday. You must know what it is in order to know how to fight it. When an individual gets to know themselves, and the trauma’s that haunt/ follow them as well as the crafty ways they must fight that every day, they will be able to find a life while functionally ill. We must gain acceptance of the fact that we have limitations to work around vs having guilt/ shame and self-pity that cause us to stay in a vicious cycle of denial and destructive behaviors. If we can learn to fight the madness in a constructive and emotionally mature way, not only will we heal a bit, but we will also self-empower. Mental illness does not have to end your life, rather it requires you to find a new one, a healthier one.

Identity

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-18-2021

“If you are so offended by me being me, don’t ask me why I’m being me. Ask yourself, why does it bother you so much?” -EaE

There is a good chance that most of us have multiple identities but are not seeing their power. Perhaps one identity overtakes another. Perhaps one identity is more socially acceptable, so that is the one we choose to nurture, while all other identities take a back seat or get neglected. Perhaps we have an identity already in place, but slowly we are growing into another and do not even realize it, then eventually feel lost/ confused. When I think of the commonly used term ‘identity crisis’, I believe it may have to do with the chronic compulsion to suppress one or more of our identities until it harms us mentally, emotionally, and/ or socially. Unfortunately, some people have had to suffer through an issue like this since they were…. maybe 3 or 4. Some may be a bit luckier and able to fit the social norm while embracing and growing into identities that they are proud of and can be open about. It all depends. What are we born into first? Who do we become? Is it acceptable? What cards have we been dealt within our environment and by our family/ peers? Then, what plays have we made? Or did we fold?

     A common line I have heard in session: “I’m not myself anymore”. I even have a chapter in my book “Unseen” labeled this. This chapter is under the category of pitfalls, which it can be, but it is also very much an issue of identity. When we ‘do not feel like ourselves anymore’ what does that really mean? What are we really saying?  In most cases, when a person tells me this line, it means they have changed. Okay, what made you change? Why did you change? What happened? Was it for the better or the worst? Is there even such a thing? In many cases people recognize that even some of the most intense and traumatic situations can both harm/ help us throughout our lives. With great pain comes great…. Wisdom…. actually. With new experiences, especially adverse ones, comes a new you. Yes, our identity can/ will change especially when we live what I call a very ‘roller coastery lifestyle’ full of unpredictability. 

      Identity Rejection

Identity rejection happens when a change takes place within us (often due to external factors) that we may not be comfortable with, and we continue to try and act like our ‘past selves’ even when our new identity wants us to be who we now are. This is especially common when we are burdened under the pressures of strict workplaces, family demands, judgmental peers and so on. Not only are we sometimes uncomfortable with the changes taking place in our minds/ personalities, but quite often we may find… so is everyone else that we know. I found that I could not be ‘myself’ when I came back home from my deployment. First off, it felt like the world was watching me (even though it was just my coworkers and family/ peers) and secondly, I felt that any change of personality I may have exhibited would be seen as a ‘weakness’ or an ‘illness’. I then feared I would fall into the stigma of a ‘broken/ traumatized veteran’ that needed help. Due to these fears, I rejected the ‘veteran that deployed to a combat zone’ identity as well as the pain that came with it. I rejected my traumas and my emotional pain even though it was still there. We cannot ‘will away’ what happened to us, and we cannot will away the memories and emotions that come with it. It is cemented in ink, it is an imprint in our brain and behaviors for life. We will change, it should be normalized and expected. It should be embraced, even.

      Other’s may feel forced to reject an identity that does not fit the ‘social norm’, that gets judged often or scares people. One of my quotes: “If you can be as genuinely yourself as possible, while doing your best not to hurt people in the process, then you are winning in my book”. It is a cliché thing to say, but still true, being you is brave. To be able to take on all parts of ourselves and all identities we have built over the course of our lifetimes is a very brave and hard thing to do. Identity rejection is a huge hurdle to have to overcome, it comes at different levels for everyone and we all have a journey to fight past this compulsion/ social pressure. 

     Embracing our identities

     The first rule of embracing our identities is to care less what people think. Truly, this is not something to take lightly or easily. It is in direct conflict with who we are as human beings. As social beings. It is in our survival program/ code to be accepted by our social environments, we need acceptance to grow and to get ahead from childhood and on. However, to do that often means risking parts of ourselves that are uniquely us. The parts that may be ridiculed or not accepted by the social environment around us. Can we embrace our identity, have it accepted by those around us and NOT get kicked out of our herd?  This is where terms/ concepts like “find your crowd”, or “find your types of people” come in handy. When we can find individuals and/ or a crowd that could take us in, offer support while also letting us be ourselves, does it get any better? 

At the age of 31, I find myself with multiple identities as does everyone else at this age and older. Examples: Female/ veteran/ writer/ martial artist/ therapist/ entrepreneur/ a sufferer of mental illnesses/ a cat owner etc. They can be tricky to juggle balance, some can overpower others, some may get neglected for a while, but they are all a part of me. Some are socially acceptable, and some leave people wanting to silence me or reject me. They exist within my mind and play into my daily actions/ behaviors. Which one comes out and exposes itself the most? It depends on: mood, the crowd around me, my sense of purpose on any given day etc. I believe the more important thing was learning not to reject any one of my identities. Also, being able to see the purpose they played during my life, how they both harmed and helped me. In one way or another, they developed for a reason. We are drawn to things for a reason, we are what we become, for a reason. We should not have to apologize for who we are or what we become, especially if we are not hurting people in the process.

    Bonus: Let’s use social media wisely to help nurture our identities: 

–          Find the groups you fit into!  For example, I find myself heavily involved in mental health social groups, MMA social groups, veteran groups etc. I also find myself more likely to leave those chats feeling validated/ comforted due to the amazing peer to peer support by those that have commonalities with me.

–          Learn to FILTER!  If there are groups or social media platforms you are a part of that constantly drench you in depression and/ or anxiety, hit that leave or block button. Learn to recognize when something is toxic to your being and practice the boundaries needed to cancel it out. 

–          But also, do not be afraid of growth/ learning and taking on new identities. Therefore, join something new that is interesting, but pushes and challenges your ideas/ views and helps you see things from a different lens or perspective. As we learn about other’s, we will learn more about ourselves, and vice versa. 

Conclusion

So, for those that ‘are not themselves anymore’, or struggling with a part of themselves that they do not want to admit to or are ashamed of I have always offered my support. Sometimes clinically, sometimes as a peer or even an advocate. I became a social worker by trade for a reason. I believe that societies teachings/ pressures are heavily impactful on every individuals mental health/ identity. We cannot and should not neglect this piece. Also, pay attention to that. Is what you are and who you have become such a bad thing? Or did someone try and make you feel it was a bad thing? Were they valid or was it coming from a place of ignorance? A lack of education? Was it coming from fear? Are you embracing all your identities and living as you want to be? Or are you holding back? Why or why not? This is the hard work that must be done in the name of living as yourself freely and unapologetically.