A Clinicians Poem

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-21-2021

They say they can tell me anything.

And they mean it, they tell me everything.

Then I care, but then don’t care,

I’ve been living in a nightmare.

It’s a gift and a curse I say,

they trust me, how did it get this way?

From hearing secrets on the playground…

to helping people find escape routes?

They say it’s so rewarding,

that it will always be my calling…

but they don’t see what’s in their eyes,

as they tell me that they want to die.

I see the scars left on their minds,

and their wrists from the other night.

And burnout is a real thing,

I’m often haunted by the things they say.

From the torture that the girl saw,

and the blood scattered on the walls.

The man who saw his wife get shot,

And that girl who survived assault. 

Or the soldier that wanted to die,

used his M16 to end his life,

just hours after I talked to him,

I’ll always wonder what it is I did?

This job isn’t for the weak,

Or the ones that don’t know how to speak,

It takes something that is so unique,

a different set of qualities.

I always say that it chose me,

that this is who I’m meant to be,

I can’t run from it if I tried,

they still find me to confide.

It’s a full-time type of life,

even my boyfriend’s, friend’s new wife…

and some stranger that I just met,

because emotions will never end.

For there to be a job for me,

I relied on people’s misery,

and that is what hurts the most,

I’m between a rock and a solid stone.

Motivation can’t be Bought

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-16-2021

“Helping isn’t necessarily about having all the right answers. It’s about having the right amount of empathy to validate a struggle that may be outside your comprehension.” -EaE

Life Coaches, fitness trainers, crash diets, public figures, iconic gurus and more. People dying to become the “best version of themselves” with no luck. Repeated attempts at attaining what seems to be unattainable. Frustration experienced by workers when they are unable to help people get past these “stuck points”. Simple solutions and “quick fixes” often getting thrown out in blanket advice form.

I am in no way bashing anyone’s profession, I respect them all and have seen people in the career fields above do some respectable work with people. I have seen plenty of individual transformation stories as well. However, it goes deeper than what meets the eye. Motivation cannot be bought, and that is often what people are trying to buy because it’s hard to summon up within themselves at times.

I always say it isn’t the education and information people are necessarily buying when they hire trainers/ coaches/ mentors. Now a days, we have access to all the info we need, even access to free online workout plans that cater to our body types and goals. We have access to plenty of online advice from professionals as well. What we cannot attain for free, is motivation. So I say, when people hire trainers, coaches and mentors, they are actually attempting to buy motivation.

“I need a workout partner” / “I can’t do it alone” / “I need someone to push me or make me do it” / “I don’t have time” / “I don’t know where or how to get started”. These are common sayings from clients when they want to make changes.

“All you have to do is eat less, do more” / “get past that and move forward” / “today is as good as any day to start” / “it’s easy why can’t they just …. x/y/z”. These are common sayings from motivated, fit, “together” type people talking about people in “stuck points”, that seem to be in a perpetual cycle of goal attempting, but then falling short.

STUCK POINTS

This is the piece of knowledge that everyone, besides mental health professionals, is missing. If you have ever wondered why your friend continues to binge eat despite saying they want to lose fifty pounds, or your relative continues to abuse drugs, in denial year after year. That coworker that always complains about their relationship and stays in it anyways, or the person that hates their job so much, but is afraid to leave it. These are psychological stuck points, they can last for years, decades or even the rest of our lives.

Throwing practical advice out, as our country often does through word of mouth, advertisements and more, will not get a person past a stuck point. The root cause of a psychological stuck point goes so deep, it takes a lot of work to penetrate it. If you’re wondering why someone, or yourself, doesn’t have the motivation to help themselves in what seems to be a very obvious way, you have to identify what is really stopping this.

We may not want what we actually say we want, we may be terrified of what we think we want. We may be ambivalent and pre contemplating this want because it’s societally pushed vs an actual want. We may be too mentally ill to accomplish that particular goal and pushing toward it is draining every ounce of energy we have, and now, we can’t identify why it is even worth it anymore.

Too often than not, the advice given to people in stuck points is likely something they have heard, over and over again. It won’t change where they stand, it will not get them moving any faster toward that goal. They could be in denial, or they could be depleted and done.

The unfortunate thing is that the more some people try, and then “fail”, the harder it becomes to “start over” again on the “right” track. The other unfortunate? It may not be that you’re a failure, it’s actually more likely that you took the wrong approach. You didn’t firstly, address the root cause of your stuck point.

Motivation as a habit

True motivation is a practiced habit, and it is easier to practice when it is something we naturally gravitate toward. It’s easier when we can eventually see/ or feel benefits overtime. Its easier practiced in a safe and supportive environment. Yes, this does mean dysfunctional households create severe setbacks to goal making, time to practice healthy habits, energy to work toward a goal etc.

Many fitness plans and life coaching plans center toward present day goals and moving forward. However, if say, an adult is suffering from an unprocessed mental stuck point that hit at the mere age of 10, they aren’t going to get very far. Time and money will get wasted. A person may then become disempowered vs empowered. This digs that individual even deeper into that stuck-point. Creating an ambivalence toward any real practice of “change” because “it just doesn’t seem possible for them”.

You can then see, how what’s supposed to be a helping profession can actually do a lot of harm, if we are not careful with addressing root causes. Throwing methodical and logical plans at someone that is suffering from severe anxiety, ptsd, self destructive tendencies, severe feelings of worthlessness and/ or an addiction may not work out well. This is where the term “meet the client where they are at” takes on a while new meaning.

To practice motivation in a healthy way, in which we can be empowered, requires us to test our capabilities little by little and practice an unconditional self acceptance toward our mistakes, setbacks and “failures”. To see the roadblocks as “human” vs “this means I’m worthless and should just quit”. It means for some, countering constant cognitive distortions that toxic people have pushed onto them in the past.

For some, motivation comes easier when it is just the activity they have to push past. For others, they must push past the the activity of change, as well as the mental barriers that want to prevent them from change. We must know exactly what we are fighting through and have a realistic idea of how long this practice can take. Small gradual slow break throughs overtime can happen. Being rushed, won’t help. Being told it’s “simple” when it may not be, won’t help.

Encouragement

Regardless of what we may have attempted and “fell short” on in the past, I encourage everyone to go toward something of interest. Especially if this activity/ goal in mind improves multiple areas of our lives. We often don’t require what we think we do, and require what we don’t realize we do. We don’t necessarily need daily workout partners, magical free time, magical energy, quick fixes, a lot of money, tons of praise from peers and an abundance of help.

What’s more valuable, is realistic expectations, boundaries, the knowledge of and practice of self care, self acceptance and the acceptance of shitty days where we will be below average to average. We need the ability to counter shame and give ourselves positive affirmations. I also find that to continue long term, as an athlete, (and this is just my personal advice) it requires a constant reminder of why we are choosing to do what we do.

Treat yourself

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 6-2-2021

Life is simply too short for all those rules we made up for ourselves with no logical reason as to why.” -EaE

As I sit in La Jolla Cove on one of the beaches in San Diego, I feel my stress and worries melt away. I decided to go where my soul wanted to take me. It happens to be one of my favorite places in the world. After resigning from federal service in February of 2021, I dove headfirst into my free lance writing career. It should come as no surprise that sometimes the hours I work are more lengthy than ever have before. And trust me when I say, especially as a former military member, I am no stranger to long work hours and endless sacrifice.

I used to work with no end in sight, but now I like to work hard and play harder. After all, there is an endless amount of stress we must deal with in order to preserve our life on this earth. So, why not also treat ourselves after all is said and done? We deserve more than just working to survive, we deserve to experience joy. We deserve the “pursuit of happiness” that we were meant to freely explore.

People appear to be at their best when they allow themselves to go where their hearts, minds and souls want to take them. A lot will get in the way. Sometimes we might immerse ourselves into a lifestyle that creates difficult barriers to the very things we want the most.

Why do we do this? Why might we wrap ourselves up into a lifestyle that we might ultimately grow to hate? Where there is limited time for self-care, and limited time to even try to go back to what we truly want?

Pay attention to how almost every day of the week, since we were young, we were told what to want. We were told what we need to attain to make us happy. Whether we believed it or not is a different story. Whether it’s truly what we want it’s a different story. But these were role models of ours, supposedly, telling us what to do and what to want.

There is a good chance that they meant well, and there’s also a good chance that it was projection. However, as we grow older and wiser we find out for ourselves. Are these “full proof” and promised “paths to happiness” all that they were “sold” to be?

In the best case scenario, we would be lining our pockets, while also feeding our souls with an ample amount of time to treat ourselves. Wouldn’t that be nice? According to most of my elders, friends and former coworkers, I did everything absolutely correct. I followed a formula toward success, and did an incredible job with it.

I completed a military enlistment including a deployment, honorably separated, earned a Masters degree in social work and started a good paying job with the VA in the heart of Brooklyn. I also ended up having a fiancé and step-kids. It felt and looked “picture perfect”. I made all of this happen by the time I was 28 years old. This was how it was supposed to be done. How I was raised, how I was taught to perform, with grit instilled in me since childhood.

It’s important for everyone to know that in our chase for what we have coined as the “American Dream”, there is an incredible amount of sacrifice. Then unfortunately, those sacrifices may happen in vain. Why? Because we might not even want it. I created a lifestyle that I was told to want, I sacrificed what I would later realize was the MOST important of all: my mental health.

Though I had always suffered from PTSD and depression since I was young, the military exacerbated it while also pressuring me to numb it out so that I may put the mission first. Then, my job as a clinical therapist post military, exacerbated it even more. I could numb it out no longer.

The sacrifices that deteriorated my mental health included: free time, self care, emotional processing, healing, a social life, single hood so that I may explore what I actually want/ like, soul searching and deep self exploration. I belonged to guardians/ parents, then I “belonged” to the military and men. I prided myself in my work ethic and associated accomplishments, but unfortunately, I robbed myself of knowing who I really was. This I will now have to explore, but I will be making the best of it.

Treating ourselves isn’t necessarily just meant for the rich. You really don’t need that much money at all. This is typically the first barrier clients/ friends identify when I encourage them to treat themselves.

The reality is, treating yourself could be getting your favorite french fries and driving to your favorite spot within a twenty minute distance. It could mean carving out time to experience a little bit of solitude. Or spending time with your favorite person/ people. It could mean changing your routine at least one evening a month. It could mean, a break up, it could mean a job change. It could mean learning to be more frugal so that you don’t have to work yourself to death.

Here’s a big red flag. If you find yourself constantly making excuses for why you cannot “treat yourself”…. excuses such as: money/ limited time/ family/ work/ etc, my first question is, why did you do this to yourself? Why did you rope yourself into a lifestyle that robs you of time to experience joy? With people that do not want you to experience joy? (I do not judge this at all because I have been there myself. I had to ask these hard questions too).

If your situation is different than that, and you happen to have some time for joy, and supportive people that want you to experience it, why aren’t you taking it? Is it obligation? A self destructive nature? Guilt? Shame? Moral injury? Mental health issues? Consumerism and addiction?

I already know where your bills take you. They take you to your job. I know where your job takes you, it takes you out of bed and to work at an hour that you may not appreciate. I know where your significant other might take you, to some places you may not like that much. But, where does your heart and soul take you? When you are honestly listening to it? Are you afraid to listen to it and go there? If so, why? Do others and/or yourself judge or stop that part of you? Again, why?

Either way, I hope everyone that this may apply to can take this message and use it constructively. I do not have control over much outside of myself, but I love using my writing platform to help those around me. Mental health will always be important. Mental health doesn’t go away. If you are a living, breathing human with a mind, remember it needs to be nurtured. Remember your bucket list. Remember those things you promised yourself you would do for you that you may have lost site of.

Toxic Tolerance

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-15-2021

“We get what we are willing to tolerate.” -EaE

“Just walk away from the fight Elisa, it’s not worth it. No matter what people do, walk away.” I was seven years old when my grandmother passed on these words of wisdom. It’s important to note that this advice came from a place of trauma. She had grieved the murder of several brothers growing up, as well as community violence in the areas around her. She didn’t meddle, she stayed to herself. She kept the peace at all cost, because she knew how bad things could get.

Then fast forward to my teen years, where I had a lot of issues in school with “not fitting in”. I was timid, socially awkward and misunderstood. I had my own traumas. Then Cosmogirl saved me! I read the actress Julia Robert’s quoting the famous “Sometimes it is better to have peace than to be right.”

From then on, I would ascribe to a life of keeping silent, keeping the peace and never engaging in confrontation. It just wasn’t worth it, in my eyes. How many times must I have the same argument in circles? I was already burnt out.

This is what we clinicians refer to as a “survival program” being built into our developing brain. It serves a purpose, it protects us from toxic households and environments. However, it could be completely dangerous as we get older and the programming becomes obsolete or toxic in our newfound environments.

I prided myself in my tolerance. I felt it was my greatest attribute at the time. No one wanted to fight me, most people liked my “kindness”. Little did I know, the consequences of this ‘practice’ would destroy my mental health.

Tolerance as a virtue:

No matter what, every attribute serves a purpose and has its rightful place. Tolerance can prevent horrific things from happening. It could potentially stop fights and stop war. It could help us build communities by seeing past our differences and doing what needs to be done.

Tolerance is that extra special thing you need when you cannot respect that asshole boss and/ or coworkers of yours, but you need that paycheck! Tolerance is what keeps people in those long term relationships, even when they hate each other sometimes. Tolerance is what every person in the military needs, so that they do not lose their minds and go AWOL!

When Tolerance gets toxic:

The sad reality is that there are people that are taught to manipulate, push boundaries and as Charlie Murphy in The Chapelle Show had once said, habitually step lines! Habitual line steppers!

Often this type of behavior comes from childhood abuse and/ or neglect diminishing a persons empathy while also pushing said person to “get theirs” at all cost, even if it means hurting others. After all, a person can only get hurt so much before they stop caring about what they do to others.

It just so happens, tolerant people are a magnet for those types. Too much tolerance leads us to high vulnerability. The more we tolerate, the likelier it is that some may push our boundaries and go a little too far.

Toxic Tolerance, Warning signs:

⁃ Consistent frustration in friendships/ family connections and / or intimate relationships due to the feeling of “being taken advantage of”, but carrying on with the theme and failing to create boundaries.

⁃ Burnout due to excessive amounts of over extending for others, with little to no reward for ourselves.

⁃ Potentially becoming a victim of emotional/ physical/ sexual and/ or financial abuse.

⁃ Being that employee that is the most over worked and also under appreciated. Not getting what you’re worth in compensation.

⁃ Chronic feelings of depression, anxiety and/ or anger due to feeling taken advantage of as well as a sense of helplessness when it comes to breaking the cycle.

What can help?

First and foremost, practice saying no, even if it feels like it’s killing you inside. Even when the compulsion to tolerate a habitual line stepper comes up. Even if guilt comes to the surface. When the guilt comes, don’t cave to it. Rather, explore it. Analyze it. Ask yourself the hard questions. The questions you fear the answers to… but deep down you know you need them.

Toxic tolerance, again, is a survival program we built inside ourselves. Most likely, for a multitude of reasons. Undoing a habit is just as hard, if not harder than what it took to build it up in the first place. This takes work, this is the type of “magic” that happens in the therapy room, and it’s also why so many people run from therapy in the first place.

Also remember, as you change your survival program and boundary levels, the people around you will change. Less tolerance may equate to less “feeling liked”, less “friends”, more uncomfortable situations in which you must practice your assertiveness skills. It’s okay, it means it’s working. It means you are in the practice of creating your new survival programs, healthier ones. If your tolerance meant sacrificing your mental peace, you were doing it wrong.

From Soul Mates to Room Mates

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 5-2-2021


“No one is worth chasing. Not for love, not for attention, not for fun, not even for truth or closure. The only truth that matters is if I feel you are drifting away, then that means you are not interested anymore. And if you are not interested in me, I won’t be interested in you.” -EaE

       Here I am challenging myself beyond measure, as my father gave me my most difficult blog topic yet, he even chose this title. Being that I am only a few months post a devastating break up, I was not quite sure how to start. However, he gave me this challenge, and I find myself with the need to rise up and discuss relationships, love, the concept of a ‘soul mate’ and the pain of love dying and/ or losing a love. Of all my experience to include clinical experience I still find love to be the trickiest topic of them all. There is no intervention or treatment method that can cure a broken relationship that I am aware of. I even told my first supervisor back when I was working at the Brooklyn Vet center to ‘never give me a couple to work with, I cannot do couples’. When he asked me “how come”, I simply said: “I’ll just tell them to get a divorce”. Call it the lame cliché Disney movies, or both my parents going through multiple marriages, most of my military friends going through divorces, my clients constantly venting about their intimate partnerships and/ or my own issue’s sustaining a relationship, but I had become what we call ‘jaded’. I also have what some clinicians like to refer to jokingly as a ‘broken picker’, meaning I tend to go after people that are ‘bad for me’. 

     I believe there is a reason many say that chemistry and lust is what forms a bond between two people, but it is commitment and compatibility which will determine whether or not they are in it for the long haul. And in many cases, it is becoming increasingly common that these ‘lifelong commitments’ are not so lifelong after all. Do I believe this makes any of us failures? If we cannot sustain a relationship or stay in a marriage until death do we part? Many of my clients procrastinated on divorces that they secretly desired due to the fact that they felt it would mean they would be viewed as a ‘failure’. This means that society’s perception of them far outweighed their happiness. Wow!  I can greatly understand and appreciate that lust/ love can lead us to do some hasty and sometimes irrational things.  However, the lengths most of us have gone through, the pain many of us have endured to fit this ‘norm’ of meet and ‘live happily ever after’ because society, family, friends, books, movies told us so is fascinating. 

My father has been helping me a great deal after my most recent break up (an engagement at that) and I really do appreciate hearing other people’s stories of heart break. It does give me hope. One thing he said that stood out is that he found himself “waking up next to a beautiful woman every day but feeling so alone”. This brought me back to my first serious relationship of nine years. (Onset at the beginning of my Air force career) Remembering how we committed at such a young age without having a grasp on what any of it meant, slowly growing a part but having zero clue how to have that conversation or how to put it to a close. This one really did feel like a from ‘soul mate to roommate’ situation. After reflecting on my own experiences, my clients, as well as my family and friends I have come to realize just how hard it is to end something even when we are miserable. Why? For many people, promises mean something, even when we don’t want to upkeep them anymore.

     Memories and Fantasies

     The reason I am not going to speak on ‘true love’ or ‘how to make a relationship or marriage work’ is because I have never made it to the alter. Instead, I will speak on what I know. In most cases when people stay in a miserable relationship, it has more to do with the memories they built with their partner as well as the future they are fantasizing about and hoping for. It has little to do with their current lack of happiness and/ or logical thinking. Many people I have spoken with in clinical settings as well as social settings have admitted a great deal of relationship stress but ‘hanging on’ due to how much ‘they have been through together’ or the ‘promises they made that they cannot go back on’. Promises are made all the time, especially in relationships, especially in the beginning when we want to do anything to make that other person happy because they make us so happy. However, people change their minds all the time. What we want changes, who we are changes, we learn new things about ourselves everyday and we get further and further from that person that made those initial promises. 

Then there are the fantasies which are often onset and warped by society. Marriage, kids, white picket fence, this love and these feelings WILL last forever, this is the ‘happily ever after’ that we are taught we deserve. Even if our present situation is miserable, maybe we can work through it and still get a fraction of that fantasy we had been hoping for and building onto in our minds since…. Jr High/ High school timeframe. Memories and fantasies will keep a person in a relationship long past its expiration date. The heartbreaking thing about this is, that means you are not in it due to personal desires, but rather hanging on to ‘what was’, as well as a fictional ‘what will be’ that you have created in your own mind. All sense of happiness will be lost, and the mind will continue with this built-in relationship survival program, and for what? Because promises were made, because a breakup is painful, because society may frown upon it, because of money, because of routine, because of a fear of being alone, because we want to believe that we have a “soul mate” too.

I’m not going to go as far as saying soul mates do not exist, however, I don’t think it’s helping us to cling to the concept of it. Truthfully, most people gave me some pretty ridiculous and frustrating advice after my break ups. I’m sure many can relate. An endless series of “don’t worry you will find the one”, “he wasn’t good enough for you” , “your soul mate is out there” etc. Everyone has that person they know that has married roughly 5 or 6 “The ones” in their lifetime. This perpetual cycle is very damaging and often causes us to rush into lifelong commitments with people we are barely compatible with. There is nothing wrong with being single but society still fears it and pushes for everyone to search for “the one”, “the soul mate”. What about self improvement? What about lessons learned? What about self care?

     Reflection

My opening quote may seem a bit harsh or bitter, but it is very well intentioned. I recently became aware of attachment theories and the fact that I am attachment preoccupied due to abandonment issues from my past. This means that I attach easily and anxiously and will often do ‘whatever it takes’ to make something work, even to obsessive and unfair levels. I have put myself through heartache I never deserved. I did learn the hard way that no one, is in fact, worth chasing. Not that anyone is worthless. It is simply that if someone wants to get away from us, we should let them. It is not good for anyone to be in a relationship they do not want. It is also not good for any of us to be blindly in a ‘fake relationship’ that we think our partner wants as equally as us. I vowed to myself that I will never chase anyone again. Not only is this liberating and empowering, but it breaks the vicious cycle of my anxious attachment which led me to more harm than love/ happiness. I do not have to worry about being room mates with a person I no longer find happiness or joy with.

Fighting your Madness

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-25-2021

“All those things that once felt routine, or even easy, we now have to fight ourselves in order to do them. And that is where the frustration and helplessness start to come in. Like, why in the world is this stuff so hard for me now?” -EaE

What are you fighting through to get through the day? Pessimism? Depression? Rage? Anxiety? Intrusive thoughts? Mood swings? Insecurities? Shame? Suicidal thoughts? What does it cost you do this? Time? Work performance? A social life? Intimate relationships? Your peace of mind? Some can relate, some cannot. These wounds, cognitions and struggles are invisible, and therefore rarely talked about. For some, it is hard to fathom how the mind can literally cripple us from living in reality; cripple us from even moving sometimes. It can bring us to long-term ‘stuck points’ that feel nonsensical to many. Whether we like it or not, our mind runs us, but we do not always run our minds. We may lose control. Especially when life is on auto pilot and we are running through the motions of that cemented daily routine we may or may not even like. It is the damage of what happened to us combined with the lack of motivation due to what we must go through to sustain ourselves that could break even the ‘strongest’ of humans. The most important thing first? Validation, period. Everyone needs to know that they are not wrong just because they fell into a vicious cycle of mental madness.

        If you find that it is getting harder to regulate your emotions/ symptoms, your body and mind are trying to tell you that whatever you are in, whatever lifestyle you are sustaining, whoever you are around perhaps, is not good for you. Then the common response is: “I do not have a choice. Life requires me to have this horrible job. Life requires me to raise my kids. Life requires me to do my chores. Society requires me to keep ‘leveling up’ or I will fall behind.” Humans tend to stubbornly keep up at what is slowly eroding their mental health, even when they know it. Why? Common reasons: Habit, routine, fear of failure, heightened sense of obligation/ responsibility, vanity, learned coping and more. Here is the big issue with all of this: We rob ourselves of our holistic health when our ‘survival programs’ and social pressures interfere with our ability to take care of ourselves. The reality is, if you care about anything more than you care about your mental and physical being, you were taught wrong.

     Fight the Madness: 

Depression tells us: Do not move, do not get up. Give into the lethargy, lay around. You are tired, feel sorry for yourself. Withdraw, go inward. Fuck the present moment. Ruminate, over and over again. Reflect on that past that hurt you, hate life for it. Hate the people around you for it. Get into a vacuum of fun/ highs to escape this feeling. Overcompensate, hurt yourself. Give up, give in. Stop trying. It is rarely worth it. Why am I even here? 

Fighting depression looks like: Painfully forcing yourself up, struggling through the first 20-30 min of that workout. Forcing yourself through low self esteem to do things that will surely embarrass you. Fighting those addictive coping mechanisms that will usually give you instant relief. Consistently feeling disconnected from those around you. Forcing smiles, engaging in talk you do not want. Forcing solitude activities in a social world.  Packing the schedule (but hopefully not to a point of burnout). 

Anxiety Tells us: You will fail, do not try. This will most likely happen, assume the worst, do not risk it. Forget the future, you might not get through this day. What is going to happen to me? What is going to happen to those I love most? Are we safe enough? Are we protected? When is the next panic? When is the next bad thing happening? Will I be prepared? Is everyone else okay too? Why is no one talking to me? Am I driving everyone crazy? Why am I like this?

Fighting Anxiety looks like: Putting yourself into situations you fear. Taking risks despite your mind telling you otherwise. Risking public ‘embarrassment’ anytime you go out. Constantly questioning if you are doing the right thing on a daily basis. Dealing with too much adrenaline followed by adrenaline dumps. Putting your equilibrium at risk, fighting severe physiological symptoms. Avoiding the temptation to drown out symptoms with a downer.  

Anger tells us: It is that person/ systems fault. Everything happens to me. I hate people. Here we go again! More stupidity. Why is everything like this?! I’d rather be alone than deal with all the bulls*&t. You cannot trust anyone or anything. You need to lash out now to protect yourself from the threat. You need to scare the threat, make people fear you. You are not going to deal with x/y/z ever again. You will do what needs to be done to stop it from happening. 

Fighting anger looks like: Giving people/ places/ things chances despite the urge to not want to. Forcing yourself to take pauses/ breathers so that you do not react inappropriately. Fighting urges to lash out & protect yourself post triggers. Requiring the exploration of substitute activities to channel the pent-up frustration. Resisting the urge to use substances or compulsive behaviors to numb out the rage.  Forcing yourself through meditative activities to unwind. 

Conclusion- Stop Running: 

Everyone tries to run from their mental illness at first. That is the wrong answer, it turns out. You NEED to get to know your mental illness. You must face it, confront it, learn about it. You need to learn what it does to you, how it contributes to your thoughts, the symptoms it gives you, the things it robs you of everyday. You must know what it is in order to know how to fight it. When an individual gets to know themselves, and the trauma’s that haunt/ follow them as well as the crafty ways they must fight that every day, they will be able to find a life while functionally ill. We must gain acceptance of the fact that we have limitations to work around vs having guilt/ shame and self-pity that cause us to stay in a vicious cycle of denial and destructive behaviors. If we can learn to fight the madness in a constructive and emotionally mature way, not only will we heal a bit, but we will also self-empower. Mental illness does not have to end your life, rather it requires you to find a new one, a healthier one.

Identity

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-18-2021

“If you are so offended by me being me, don’t ask me why I’m being me. Ask yourself, why does it bother you so much?” -EaE

There is a good chance that most of us have multiple identities but are not seeing their power. Perhaps one identity overtakes another. Perhaps one identity is more socially acceptable, so that is the one we choose to nurture, while all other identities take a back seat or get neglected. Perhaps we have an identity already in place, but slowly we are growing into another and do not even realize it, then eventually feel lost/ confused. When I think of the commonly used term ‘identity crisis’, I believe it may have to do with the chronic compulsion to suppress one or more of our identities until it harms us mentally, emotionally, and/ or socially. Unfortunately, some people have had to suffer through an issue like this since they were…. maybe 3 or 4. Some may be a bit luckier and able to fit the social norm while embracing and growing into identities that they are proud of and can be open about. It all depends. What are we born into first? Who do we become? Is it acceptable? What cards have we been dealt within our environment and by our family/ peers? Then, what plays have we made? Or did we fold?

     A common line I have heard in session: “I’m not myself anymore”. I even have a chapter in my book “Unseen” labeled this. This chapter is under the category of pitfalls, which it can be, but it is also very much an issue of identity. When we ‘do not feel like ourselves anymore’ what does that really mean? What are we really saying?  In most cases, when a person tells me this line, it means they have changed. Okay, what made you change? Why did you change? What happened? Was it for the better or the worst? Is there even such a thing? In many cases people recognize that even some of the most intense and traumatic situations can both harm/ help us throughout our lives. With great pain comes great…. Wisdom…. actually. With new experiences, especially adverse ones, comes a new you. Yes, our identity can/ will change especially when we live what I call a very ‘roller coastery lifestyle’ full of unpredictability. 

      Identity Rejection

Identity rejection happens when a change takes place within us (often due to external factors) that we may not be comfortable with, and we continue to try and act like our ‘past selves’ even when our new identity wants us to be who we now are. This is especially common when we are burdened under the pressures of strict workplaces, family demands, judgmental peers and so on. Not only are we sometimes uncomfortable with the changes taking place in our minds/ personalities, but quite often we may find… so is everyone else that we know. I found that I could not be ‘myself’ when I came back home from my deployment. First off, it felt like the world was watching me (even though it was just my coworkers and family/ peers) and secondly, I felt that any change of personality I may have exhibited would be seen as a ‘weakness’ or an ‘illness’. I then feared I would fall into the stigma of a ‘broken/ traumatized veteran’ that needed help. Due to these fears, I rejected the ‘veteran that deployed to a combat zone’ identity as well as the pain that came with it. I rejected my traumas and my emotional pain even though it was still there. We cannot ‘will away’ what happened to us, and we cannot will away the memories and emotions that come with it. It is cemented in ink, it is an imprint in our brain and behaviors for life. We will change, it should be normalized and expected. It should be embraced, even.

      Other’s may feel forced to reject an identity that does not fit the ‘social norm’, that gets judged often or scares people. One of my quotes: “If you can be as genuinely yourself as possible, while doing your best not to hurt people in the process, then you are winning in my book”. It is a cliché thing to say, but still true, being you is brave. To be able to take on all parts of ourselves and all identities we have built over the course of our lifetimes is a very brave and hard thing to do. Identity rejection is a huge hurdle to have to overcome, it comes at different levels for everyone and we all have a journey to fight past this compulsion/ social pressure. 

     Embracing our identities

     The first rule of embracing our identities is to care less what people think. Truly, this is not something to take lightly or easily. It is in direct conflict with who we are as human beings. As social beings. It is in our survival program/ code to be accepted by our social environments, we need acceptance to grow and to get ahead from childhood and on. However, to do that often means risking parts of ourselves that are uniquely us. The parts that may be ridiculed or not accepted by the social environment around us. Can we embrace our identity, have it accepted by those around us and NOT get kicked out of our herd?  This is where terms/ concepts like “find your crowd”, or “find your types of people” come in handy. When we can find individuals and/ or a crowd that could take us in, offer support while also letting us be ourselves, does it get any better? 

At the age of 31, I find myself with multiple identities as does everyone else at this age and older. Examples: Female/ veteran/ writer/ martial artist/ therapist/ entrepreneur/ a sufferer of mental illnesses/ a cat owner etc. They can be tricky to juggle balance, some can overpower others, some may get neglected for a while, but they are all a part of me. Some are socially acceptable, and some leave people wanting to silence me or reject me. They exist within my mind and play into my daily actions/ behaviors. Which one comes out and exposes itself the most? It depends on: mood, the crowd around me, my sense of purpose on any given day etc. I believe the more important thing was learning not to reject any one of my identities. Also, being able to see the purpose they played during my life, how they both harmed and helped me. In one way or another, they developed for a reason. We are drawn to things for a reason, we are what we become, for a reason. We should not have to apologize for who we are or what we become, especially if we are not hurting people in the process.

    Bonus: Let’s use social media wisely to help nurture our identities: 

–          Find the groups you fit into!  For example, I find myself heavily involved in mental health social groups, MMA social groups, veteran groups etc. I also find myself more likely to leave those chats feeling validated/ comforted due to the amazing peer to peer support by those that have commonalities with me.

–          Learn to FILTER!  If there are groups or social media platforms you are a part of that constantly drench you in depression and/ or anxiety, hit that leave or block button. Learn to recognize when something is toxic to your being and practice the boundaries needed to cancel it out. 

–          But also, do not be afraid of growth/ learning and taking on new identities. Therefore, join something new that is interesting, but pushes and challenges your ideas/ views and helps you see things from a different lens or perspective. As we learn about other’s, we will learn more about ourselves, and vice versa. 

Conclusion

So, for those that ‘are not themselves anymore’, or struggling with a part of themselves that they do not want to admit to or are ashamed of I have always offered my support. Sometimes clinically, sometimes as a peer or even an advocate. I became a social worker by trade for a reason. I believe that societies teachings/ pressures are heavily impactful on every individuals mental health/ identity. We cannot and should not neglect this piece. Also, pay attention to that. Is what you are and who you have become such a bad thing? Or did someone try and make you feel it was a bad thing? Were they valid or was it coming from a place of ignorance? A lack of education? Was it coming from fear? Are you embracing all your identities and living as you want to be? Or are you holding back? Why or why not? This is the hard work that must be done in the name of living as yourself freely and unapologetically.

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Saved my Life Too

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-8-2021

“The way I see it, I am going to hate myself whether I sit on my ass helplessly for the rest of my life, or I fight and fail, fight and fail…. fight and fail again. If I’m going to hate myself, I better be the best fucking loser I’ve ever known. -EaE

I’ll start by saying I was that walking cliché’ of a veteran that felt a disconnect the moment I left active-duty service in the summer of 2014. I walked along Rockaway Beach in NYC completely lost, without a sense of purpose or identity. Pun intended on a walking cliché’, as I literally went on 2-3 hour walks to ‘find myself’ and get away from all people. It did not work. The first/ only thing I had to look forward to that summer was my first official Brazilian Jiu jitsu class. I had it in my mind that I was going to ‘get good’ fast, win medals, gain confidence and fill that void that could never be filled. Now, this is the part of the blog where all martial artists reading this start laughing at me, as they very well know that I was humbled to death; my dreams shattered into a million pieces. Martial arts does not lie, the mats do not lie. I am the first to admit, if you want to truly be humbled in a way that wakes you up to reality and makes you question your own existence, join a martial arts gym and put in the work. There is nothing like it, and it was the perfect sport for me to join after I left the military.

     What Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) Fosters: 

Camaraderie:  First and foremost, I started making friends again. I had a new group of comrades after leaving the military, and extra bonus if/ when I met veterans in the BJJ gym. There is a joke in the martial arts community that we are all pretty ‘weird’ people, especially given the fact that we choke each other, risk breaking limbs, hug all the time and punch each other in the face.  (if you are also into striking sports which I am 😊) I suffered heavily from social anxiety due to childhood traumas and isolation due to military traumas. To my surprise, meeting people in martial arts was easier than I had anticipated. No ‘small talk’, no BS, just get right to it and start attacking/ fighting, which ironically is a lot easier to me vs trying to ‘get to know someone’ with… small talk. Due to the fact that I worked in mental health for so long, I was used to one sided convos with me being the listener, I actually did not know how to talk about myself. I did know, however, how to fly at the blue/ purple belts and throw caution to the wind as they destroyed me. Many people downplay their white belt days, but I call it the “Fun belt”. It is the belt of experimentation and I absolutely loved getting beat up by my new martial arts friends. 

Discipline/Patience:   Despite how fun/ exciting our lives look on Instagram and Facebook, it is NOT all fun and games. It is not even 50% fun and games. Training in BJJ takes a ton of time, patience, money, sacrifice, ego checks and more. There will be self-hatred and anger, envy, jealousy, petty thoughts, frustration and “I fucking quit” moments. (Or is it just me?) I did bring my military discipline into the sport, which helped a lot, good lord I needed it! I suffered from poor self-esteem, so again, I needed all the discipline I could get to fight my way into progression. It is common knowledge in BJJ that the average person quits sometime after earning their blue belt. (Ranks: white/ blue/ purple/ brown/ black/ red (insanely rare)) I am still not shocked by this information, as I have coined blue belt the “I hate myself belt”. Every BJJ practitioner that is blue and above has laughed when I said this, nodded in agreement, and NEVER argued. My blue belt journey, full of quite a few competitions, polished me and taught me to recognize how little I knew, and how much more time I needed to put in. It was love/ hate and it turned into a true obsession. 

Knowledge:  We learn an incredible amount about ourselves when we are put to the test in any martial arts. We also learn a lot of technique, concepts, mechanics, kinetic knowledge, artistic expressions, hygiene practices, social skills, sportsmanship, lineages and more. BJJ is a very knowledge based martial arts, there is an infinite number of ways to make a person tap out, and an infinite number of ways to get to those submissions we use. Many chains, many attacks, many sequences, many ways your opponent may defend, many ways you may counter their defense etc. So, the next time you watch a grappling match, no they are not just hugging each other and hoping for the best result. Every single interaction you see likely has technique, thought, and muscle memory behind it. If the match seems boring, it is because they (the martial artists) both know what they are doing!!!! 

Humble Pie: There is absolutely no way anyone is going to make their way to the top in BJJ without their fair share of humble pies. If someone makes their way to the top always winning, I would question their school and their selection of training partners. One common line is that ‘you never want to be the best in your gym’ or ‘if you’re always winning, you are at the wrong school’. There is a strong chance, especially as a small dude or a female in general, that you will be smashed and destroyed for a good year or two before obvious progress is made. Why might people want to subject themselves to this? The easy answers: To learn true self-defense, to test what we are made of, as well as the maturity in knowing that if it is hard, it is worth it. The not as obvious answer(s)? Some of us are self-destructive and/ or self-polishing in nature. Also, some of us are adrenaline/ goal junkies that will stop at nothing to be better than what we were yesterday. Grappling is extremely challenging/ humbling. We “go live” (spar) at the end of almost every single training session, the risk to getting our ass beat is extremely high for many years. I quit at least four times, but then kept coming back, I had to really love the sport to stay in it.

Respect: We may not always like that training partner(s) that keep’s tapping us out, injuring us and/ or acting all cocky every time they enter the room, but we damn sure better respect them! In addition, the more time/ effort/ blood/ sweat/ tears we put into the sport, the more we learn to respect ourselves. The biggest thing I was forced to learn to respect was the fact that there is no rushing in BJJ, the process is long/ tedious, and we must train an insurmountable amount of hours if we want to be even kind of good. I also learned to respect the fact that if someone beat me up, they most likely deserved to, they most likely put in more blood, sweat and tears than I did. If someone beat me up, I had the utmost respect for their hard work toward that, also if I beat someone up, I respected them for taking that beating from me. I have been on the receiving end and I know what it takes to deal with win/ loss. 

Confidence: How funny that a sport that humbles us, will also give us incredible confidence… eventually. As stated above, white belt is the fun belt, blue belt is the I hate myself belt, and purple belt (which I earned in the summer of 2020) is what I call the “Belt of Serenity”. Why? I do not believe that I was a mature BJJ practitioner until around the time I earned my purple belt. (Six brutal years into the sport later) I noticed a dramatic difference in my overall thought process around that time. I was enriched with so much gratitude. Gratitude to be on the mat, happy about every training session, regardless of how it went. Confidence in myself as well as the nature of the beast that is the sport. Confident that I could conquer my training sessions, my goals, as well as my negative cognitions. As of current, I feel that I am in a place of serenity in the sport of BJJ, and it is not because I am always winning. (I am still getting beat up from time to time!) It is mainly because I am confident enough at this point that I will get through all my current/ future obstacles that the sport and life may bring my way.

Endorphins:  As an individual that suffers from Depression and Post traumatic stress disorder, these endorphins are like no other. When I say BJJ saved my life, this is what I truly mean. This sport has fed my soul as well as my emotional health and given me something I never knew I always needed. I have done quite a few physical activities/ sports in my life: Cross country, track & field, aerobics, dancing, cross fit, powerlifting, yoga etc. There is NO high like the high of martial arts, from my perspective. There is no energy like the energy in a gym full of people fighting their fights, drilling the drills, sweating it out, screaming, grunting, throwing each other, the war cries, the wins and the ‘failures’. Many other martial arts practitioners and I leave our training sessions high off of endorphins, lesson’s, dreams, stories to tell, food cravings to fulfill and more. There is a rather large community of BJJ practitioners that report partially using the sport to medicate their mental health conditions. I am an enormous advocate for BJJ serving to aid both physical and mental health. 

Tenacity/ Grit: When it came to confrontation, I had the heaviest freeze response imaginable. One of the common feedbacks I received was that I needed to learn to ‘be aggressive’. It gave me flashbacks to the military as my supervisors constantly got on my case to be louder and more aggressive. It was something I did not know how to bring forth and channel. Martial arts brought that right out of me. The reality is no one likes to get bested. The only time I found myself ever wanting to go at someone was after they hit me, submitted me, bullied me, mushed my face and so on. Tenacity and grit have nothing to do with how good we are, but everything to do with our capacity to NOT give up. I do not like to give up. Any martial artist you meet that has been doing it for years to decades does NOT like giving up. I can be punched in the face ten times, but I am going to land that one on you! (It all started with my older brother beating me up) I do not care if you submitted me 30 times already, I am going to get you, or at the very least, you are not going to get me this time, not again. Within large goals in BJJ, there are also mini goals. Sometimes the mini goal is to get beat up just a tad less that day. 😊

Enough said…. start training!

The Myth of the Gateway Drug

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-2-2021

“You don’t tame an addict by forcing them into sobriety. You tame them when you can help them find the proper medicine to treat their underlying wounds.” -EaE

          As people read this blog and get to know me through social media, they would never guess who I was as a child and young adult. Currently I am a heavy advocate for medicinal cannabis and psychedelic use for conditions such as depression, anxiety and PTSD. Five years ago, or more, this was not the case. As a child, I heavily ascribed to the unpopular and unsuccessful D.A.R.E program. Why? My mother had been suffering from alcoholism and a methamphetamine addiction throughout my childhood; it weighed heavily on myself as well as my older brother. These addictions she carried led to heavy neglect, abuse and abandonment that created mental wounds that would follow us for life. I was told (as young as six) by the adults around me “Your mother cannot be with you because of drugs”. My child brain then equated all drugs with “BAD”, selfish, and irresponsible. I did not have many friends in high school or the military because of this. I was firm on my stance, many could not relate to me, I could not relate to many. A high schooler that will not experiment is ‘lame’, and a person in the military that will not drink is an alien. 

Here’s the reality, an addict is an addict. Addiction exists in our mind, and our mind suffers from the addiction. It is not about the drug of choice, and despite popular belief I do not believe in ‘gateway’ drugs. A gateway drug is often described as a drug that leads to an even more ‘dangerous’ or ‘potent’ drug; therefore, we should remain sober from all drugs… right? Wrong. An addict is an addict, and the addict mind will find a way to get high, even if it is happening subconsciously. My mother was an addict, and both biologically and through the process of negligent nurturing, I became an addict too. My addict brain tricked me into thinking I was not an addict, as many can relate to. If I was not drinking or ‘drugging’ I was ‘fine’. My first addiction was sugar/ carbs onset at the age of ten, my second addiction was exercise which onset by the age of 15, my third addiction was codependent relationships onset at the age of 19, and my fourth addiction became cannabis. Cannabis happened when I finally accepted that I have deep mental health struggles and I needed something different… but, naturally, through the course of most of this, I was in denial.

I have worked with many clients that have struggled with substance abuse issues. Yes, some people do have a ‘drug of choice’, but what is also quite common is drug switching. It happens quite frequently. A person struggling with an addiction to alcohol may quit drinking and turn right to smoking, then months later quit smoking and go too heavy on their pain medication and/ or anxiolytics, then months later go sober and start to shop retail constantly to make up for the void. The cycle is endless, because they are not taming the addiction, rather they are drug switching because sobriety, to an addict, feels empty and miserable. This cycle leads many outsiders looking at the less harmful and sometimes beneficial drugs as the ‘gateway’ drugs that will ‘surely’ lead to harsher drugs with more extreme side effects such as: heroine, meth, crack etc. Rest assured I have met an incredible amount of people both socially and in a professional setting that have never extended their usage beyond cannabis and psychedelics, (both in evidenced based trials for treating depression & PTSD). What was alarming, is the amount of people I met that were suffering from an addiction toward a harsher drug that admitted to starting the drug due to ‘nothing else being available to them’ and a ‘lack of education on what could help ease their mental health symptoms.’ A failure and a disservice to all that are suffering from mental illness. I often think about how maybe cannabis and psychedelics with proper mental health care may have been able to save my mother from dying young (back in 2010 at the age of 45). I often think about how it could have saved some of my other relatives from spiraling due to developing various prescribed pill addictions.

     When we demonize a medicine or what could be a healthy coping mechanism due to a lack of understanding it or a lack of willingness to give it a chance, we lose out on access to the good that could come of it. For the third time, an addict is an addict, and sobriety does not cure the addiction (we could only wish it were that easy). Many mental health professionals have now switched to harm reduction strategies vs sobriety expectations due to the fact that relapse is seen as…. almost always… inevitable. I want to see my clients, friends, family and myself with many healthy positive and balanced coping outlets Vs. 1-2 coping outlets that are being used in excess because they have nothing else.  Then in turn, they harm their bodies and minds with it. I have admittedly gone too far like many people, but I have also had many stages of balance in my life. How do we create and sustain this balance of medicines and coping? By being honest with ourselves first. By having a healthy support network, by finding the right treatment to soothe our mental wounds and recognizing that too much of anything will throw us out of balance. 

If you are suffering from a heavy addiction, it is time to get the help for it. We are in a new innovative world where some professionals specialize in exactly that: addiction. We are in a world that recognizes cost/ benefit analysis when it comes to drugs/ medicines and what can give us the best outcomes with the least amount of side effects. We are in a world that is finally decriminalizing one of the best natural medicines on the planet! We are in a world that is starting to recognize that when you strip an addict of their drug(s) of choice and leave them to be alone in a miserable state of sobriety and debilitating symptoms, they are likely to relapse and hit that drug heavier when they get a hold of it! Education is imperative! Not the unrealistic ‘stay away from drugs’ concept, but the education in how to find the right ‘drugs’ and balance them throughout the course of your life so that you can be a happier and more functional human being.

Unconditional Acceptances & Humanism

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-24-2021

“Sometimes it is NOT for you to figure out or decide, sometimes it’s just something for you to accept.” -EaE

     I was in Afghanistan when I decided I needed to give myself therapy, badly! I was so tired of being offended by literally everything everyone said to me, every day. Even worse, I kept it internalized and people had no idea I was struggling with rage from the work center bullying and emotional abuse that I had been subjected to. As a young mental health technician, I decided to utilize the only mental health article/concept I knew that was at my disposal: Albert Ellis REBT and what he called the ‘unconditional acceptances’.  He broke it down into three categories: Unconditional Self-acceptance, unconditional Other-Acceptance, and unconditional Life-Acceptance.  (REBT: A Smarter, More Effective Approach to Treatment (psycom.net)

     Unconditional self-acceptance– I have flaws- I have my bad points and my good points, but that does not make me any less worthy than another person. 

Unconditional other-acceptance– sometimes people won’t’ treat me fairly- there is no reason why they have to treat me fairly. Though some may not treat me fairly, they are no less worthy than any other person.

Unconditional Life-Acceptance– Life is not always going to go the way I want. There’s no reason why it must go the way I want. I might experience some unpleasant things in life, but life itself is never awful and it is usually always bearable. 

     I read these acceptances every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I read them first thing in the morning, at lunch, before bedtime, after each time I was offended or triggered. It calmed me and reminded me to dig deeper than just being offended all the time, because it is a lot more complicated than what I was giving it credit for. Yes, I had some asshole coworkers, who hasn’t’ dealt with that? But going deeper, I was subjected to emotional abuse as a child, I had a freeze response anytime I was faced with confrontation, I did not know how to assert myself and I was dealing with cultural clashes due to being from a small town and working with many blunt people from metropolitan areas. 

I reminded myself to pick my battles and reframe my thoughts when I was hurt. Maybe the coworker is having a bad day, maybe they are just joking, maybe their behavior is a reflection on them and has nothing to do with me, maybe I should talk back and show that I am not a victim as I often felt I was. An important note is that I learned that the more humans work on conditional acceptances, the greater their burdens are lifted in their daily lives. As we grow up, we must really learn what we cannot change, what we do not have control over, what is too much of a burden for us to bear. Acceptance can bring a peace and serenity like nothing else.

     Unconditional Other- Acceptance in a humanistic approach

I decided to take what I learned about unconditional acceptances a step further into my chosen value as a humanist. As a clinician, I strongly believe in self-determination, which I summarize as our right to be able to decide for ourselves, what is best for ourselves, regardless of what others say or think. Why is this so important to me? No one will ever be in our life and in our body like our individual self, so no one has the right to decide for us what we do with and for our body, spirit, mind, and soul. Therefore, to make life healthier for all, I encourage people to take on an unconditional other-acceptance toward all and let go of the urge to judge, criticize, discriminate, condemn, or outlaw the innocent actions of others that have nothing to do with them.

To fulfill this approach, it is necessary to accept people as they are, no matter how unfamiliar they may seem to you. If you find yourself unable to accept someone as they are even when they are not hurting you or anyone else, it is time to work on the concept of unconditional other acceptance. This includes people of different ethnicity, different sexual orientation, gender dysphoria, a different socioeconomic status, different religions, different political affiliation, different drugs of choice, different hobbies and so on. Anytime a colleague or friend heavily questioned a person that was extremely diverse from them I often used the phrase “You are thinking too hard about it, it’s not for you to understand”. The end. The fact of the matter is, people exist in this world that are quite different from you, and quite different from me, it does not make them wrong and us right. It just is what it is. To put any amount of effort into ‘forcing’ someone to be more like you would go against the value of unconditional other acceptance, it would hurt that person and it would drain your energy. It just does not make sense, period.

Unconditional Self-acceptance in a humanistic approach

An important reminder that yes, you are a human. Yes, you do have human needs, you are not absolved of the responsibility of learning to accept yourself and treat yourself as you would the people you care about and love the most. As a matter of fact, you must learn to put yourself as the top priority, if you were never taught that, you have a ways to go. Unfortunately, it is extremely hard, but fortunately, not impossible. A part of the issue I had with being so offended also had to do with my lack of unconditional self-acceptance. Since I could not accept myself, it was extra hard to accept when others pointed out my flaws. I was often overcompensating and trying to live in denial of the traumas I had dealt with and the many symptoms that came with it. 

A lot of the work involved in this realm has to do with accepting our bodies, minds and souls and consciously reminding ourselves not to self-neglect these important aspects. Self-acceptance means accepting: our biological traits, our family of origin, our natural attributes, our deficiencies which we must work harder at than the average person, our traumas and our healing process as we are not anymore invincible than anyone else. We must accept that we like what we like (so long as it’s not criminal) and we also have non negotiables where we must enforce boundaries and protect our inner peace. There is a lot of work and reflection to be done in this realm, and it is often the hardest work we must face.

     Conclusion

Unconditional acceptances are important for ourselves and others. It will lift a heavy burden if we can remain consistent with this concept and truly let go of what is out of our control and frankly, none of our business sometimes. I could have continued to stay that angry person that chose to be offended by everyone’s comments, language, tone of voice and so on. I chose a different way of viewing what was happening around me, the people around me, how I responded to any given situation/ confrontation. I chose to focus more on me, and to also remember that humans are fallible beings, the world is fallible, and that is why acceptance is so imperative to begin with.