Functionally Mental

Lesson’s from the Elders

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 11-20-2020

Parenting education teaches that there are three roles parents and elders must ensure to help in the development of a healthy child: 1- Nurturing (feeding/ loving/ sheltering) 2- Educating (send them to school or home school them) 3- Socializing (making sure they know how to get along and live amongst other human beings in this world). Though conventional education these days involves shipping the kids off to school so that the parents may work and afford the very shelter the family needs, there is something to be said for what the parents can teach the kids in the household. Also, if there is a lack of educating, nurturing and socializing in said household, the disadvantages the kid will have in adolescent and adult life may be extreme. Being real, I hated a lot of my childhood, I had a very depressive schema that haunted my daily life. However, I will always cherish the lesson’s I learned from my elders. Sometimes, even if they could not be there for me for the 18 years of my childhood (At least 15 or more people raised and/ or babysat me to ensure my survival…. Teamwork!) all it takes sometimes is a few sentences that can plant a seed in a young child’s mind and sprout a success story. We should listen to the knowledge that our elders give us. I know… it often comes across as a boring endless series of lectures, but they mean well and they lived an entire life before we were born. So, listen, and listen well. I wanted to share some of my most valuable lessons from my elder’s in this blog and how it helped me in my 31 year life journey so far.

Father- My father was always this ‘scary’ looking marine that didn’t say much, a classic patriarch that we did not want to piss off. Yelling was rare, so if it came, we knew it was serious. In the endless series of lectures I had received from my father, especially when living with him from ages 10-18, there were a few lines that he kept repeating: 1- Knowledge is power – the only thing he was very stringent on was our education and grades. He not only wanted us to have the grades that would ensure passing, but often encouraged us to go beyond what was taught in school and carry a natural curiosity regarding the world around us. 2- What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger- This was obviously something repeated a lot to him in the Marine corps and he transferred it down to us to help give us a ‘suck it up attitude’ because as he often repeated, life is not fair but we can at least become polished with strength as we go through adversity. 3- This is a once in a lifetime opportunity- He repeated this often when we went on road trips to explore natural wonders such as: caverns, meteor craters, forests etc. My father grew up as a child of six with Mexican immigrant parents, many hand me downs and many struggles. He wanted to ensure we understood not only how lucky we were to experience fun, but also how important it is to embrace/ cherish rare moments when you have them.

Stepmother- A survivor of horrendous traumas and many medical issue’s/ prone to injury spells my stepmother always had the right remedy or concoction/ answer for any issue a person could possibly be facing. Like my father she was simple, humble and knew how to work with very little, especially growing up in a farm and knowing how to be scarce and portion out food for the family and handle harsh weather conditions. She made sure we (me and brother) did our chores both indoors and outdoors, did our schoolwork, did our sports, moderated our diets. She forced us to a live a well-balanced life in a world where we were often tempted to feed our compulsions: TV, junk food, excess sleep, bullshitting with friends that were going no where in life etc. When I argued about not wanting to do something she said: “What else are you going to do? Sit around, eat and watch TV all day, every day?!” (my go to lazy compulsive habit from childhood to present) A very great question which posed a very great point. Even to this day when I find myself in a depressive Netflix and binge cycle, I remind myself of that very conversation. Human’s need momentum in life. If I had done exactly what I wanted to do from ages 11 and on, I have a feeling I would be on ‘my 600-pound life’ right about now. Depression is a bitch, and sometimes kids need their parents to push them out of that cycle.

Grandmother- My grandmother lived a hard life, and I am aware that I do not even know a fraction of it, she was nine when she moved from Mexico to America with a mother that never learned English. She was the second oldest of nine children and took it upon herself to step up and help raise her younger siblings. We (me and brother) lived with her when I was ages 5-10, after my mother abandoned us and my father was working more than he was home. (AD military/ single father/ no child support) My childhood left me confused: too many faces, abuse, too many drug comas, too much neglect and too much lost hope about the good in life already. Gram always said that ‘kindness was the way’. ‘Walk away from fights, they are not worth it’. It restored my sense of good in the world and taught me to do well in school. It gave me a sense of purpose in a senseless world where both my parents were absent. As I reflect, I know my gram has agoraphobia and anxiety. She chooses to live simply and safely because she has seen the evil that the world can bring, and she wanted nothing more than calmness and wellness in the family. She saved me at a very crucial stage of my childhood development, and she did not have to, she was already a parent a lifetime ago. Kindness reflects back to us, and I owe her for what she taught me about remaining humble, patient and good.

Older Brother- After the last three reflections, it’s evident I went through a lot with my older brother. We went from both our parents, to one parent, then grandma, then the other parent, inherited a wonderful younger half-brother and inherited a stepparent. My brother was the ONLY person I could vent to about almost every issue I had as a kid/teen. He was the only person in my life that lived what I lived. We do not get that many times in this life. It is very rare and for that we should learn to cherish our siblings. The issue is often we compete with our siblings, he did with me and I with him. Looking back, I realize it was so foolish, I had talents that he didn’t, and he had talents that I didn’t. Such as the fact that he could take any electronic device a part and fix it no matter what the issue was. (He couldn’t go without his electronics!!) My brother was the first person to tell me that I was ‘too negative’ and ‘ungrateful’ for a life that ‘wasn’t all that hard for us anymore’. (After we were settled living with Dad) It’s a harsh thing to say, but it is very real. Unfortunately, trauma and depression sets us into a cycle of rumination to a point we are robbed of the present. After that conversation I at least tried to ‘look on the bright side a little more’ and think about what my parents (Dad/ stepmom) were doing for us. We of all kids already knew that a parent does NOT actually HAVE TO do anything for you.

Mother- My mother was a chronic sufferer of mental illness and drug addiction. I learned that she was put into foster care for a descent chunk of her childhood due to her parents being alcoholics. When she sobered up, she would try. When the symptoms hit her hard, she would feed into the addictions again. She was wishy washy with us from my infancy to me being 5 years of age. She dropped us off with many friends & family members to venture out and get her fix (some of which told me I had lice and diaper rash a lot as a child). My mother tried a couple more times after the initial abandonment. Every time, she got scared, self-sabotaged, ran away back to the drugs. When she was on her death bed (I was 20 and in the Air Force on emergency leave) I talked to her excitedly about my life (she needed to know that I had a good life despite her absence). She and my Aunt were excited I had a long-term boyfriend, but once I started talking about my college and career aspirations they got quiet and stared at me weird. I stopped talking and my Aunt said “But… you have a man now” while my mother nodded in agreement. Right then and there, I understood how different my life would have been if I had gotten what I wanted and stayed with a drug addicted mother that had zero aspirations. It made all the sense in the world, why she couldn’t keep us.

Conclusion

Whether an elder seems to be a positive, neutral, negative or even absent person in our lives, it’s guarantee that they will teach us something. It is our job to search for those lessons that are often buried, between the lines or in the midst of what feels like a chaotic situation that will never end. We will grow up into adults, but we will carry the values and lessons of our elders into every experience. Do not miss those rare chances to learn something of substance, and do not take elder wisdom for granted. My biology, trauma and symptoms want me to be a person of suffering, but my knowledge instilled by elders motivates and pushes me to search for a better life, always.

Band-Aids on Stab Wounds

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 10-27-2020

“There is a beauty even in pain. Beauty in hard paths and difficult choices. Beauty in a messy life. Character and lessons are built from hard choices and many mistakes.” -EaE

I wonder how often humanity will continue this toxic pattern. Where we are so driven toward a destructive lifestyle with the wish to gain, that we allow ourselves these deep-seated wounds that go untreated for many years to life. Honestly, if we were stabbed and bleeding out, and a medic chose to put a band aid on us and send us packing, we would flip. Yet, we address traumatic grievances and emotional wounds by avoidance, overworking, eating junk and many other types of compulsive behaviors and deflective techniques. Our mind get’s stabbed and we think a drug potion can tame the wound. Our world get’s shaken up and we believe we can just ‘put it in the past’ and pretend nothing happened. A mental wound is a major disruption toward present goals for sure, but when it goes untreated, it becomes a life disruption. Rest assured that even though these mental wounds are a lot more invisible than the physical wounds, they are just as real and sometimes even MORE debilitating. Enough with the band-aids!

What do these mental band aids look like?

Substance abuse (self-medicating with drugs illicit or otherwise)
Using untrained people to give advice frequently (parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances, strangers on the internet)
Avoidance of the traumatic topic (with the idea that it will all go away)
Compulsively saying yes to work projects and people projects (distraction from issue’s)
Allowing our ‘vacuums’ to suck us in and make us lose consciousness of time and reality (TV, phone, games, internet in general etc.)
Major random changes/ morphing that feels exciting/ new in the moment (new hair style, redesigning your entire home, new wardrobe, piercing & tattoo obsessions etc)
Buying ‘happiness’ of any sort, out of temptation & comparison vs need

I do not choose to write this blog with the goal of telling people they SHOULD NOT do these things, ever. I write this to allow us to open our minds and pay attention to our emotional behavior themes. Is that monthly shopping spree going to heal your wound or put you into a position where you are not only emotionally damaged, but now also financially damaged? Is self-medicating with alcohol going to numb out all anxiety for the rest of your life? Or will you eventually be an anxious person with a damaged liver too? Will the phone addiction cure your cocaine addiction? Or will you just end up with two addictions; phone and cocaine? Overall, does avoidance, compulsions and drugs heal any mental wounds… at all? Unfortunately, everything I listed and more, are band aids. It’s understandable why many people resort to these things on a daily to weekly basis, but overall, it’s important to know we are not healing our wounds with the band aids. We will still bleed out, even with the band aids.

When did Feeling become this BAD thing?

Emotional wounds hurt, and many feelings associated with emotional damage are… what we would call, uncomfortable. Unfortunately, humans have taken what’s uncomfortable and equated it with something unacceptable. Uncomfortable does not mean unacceptable or forbidden. It just means, it’s uncomfortable. Losing a loved one hurts, facing life and death situations is scary. Break ups hurt. Dealing with chronic pain sucks and impacts our mental pain. Having depressive, anger bouts as well as anxiety attacks are very bothersome. Every circumstance, hurt, and emotion we encounter is something we must interpret and deal with. Avoidance is the true enemy, and band aids only exist because we were terrified of feeling these very human things in the first place.

Healing

Just like a physical stab wound, if we have a mental stab wound, we must heal. The healing process can never go ignored in either department. If we continue ignoring a stab wound, we may just bleed out. If we continue to ignore the mental stab wound, we will bleed it in the form of anger, anxiety, crying spells, erratic behaviors, compulsive behaviors and more. Healing means admitting there is an issue, taking time outs, practicing self-care, emotional expression, leaning on our support systems and working with our limitations. Healing means acknowledging that we are humans and having perfectly human reactions to adverse situations. Going about our lives pretending to be immune to pain will bite us in the ass, I can promise that.

Rip off the Band aid!

Think long and hard about a deep-seated emotional wound you may have been masking with one or more of the band aids listed above. The question is, can you rip this band aid off and expose this wound for everything that it is? Or is there something in you that is still afraid to address it? What is it about addressing this issue that makes you uncomfortable? The stigma of ‘weakness’, the fear of being invalidated? The worry that the symptoms ‘will only get worse’ if you think harder about it? The vulnerability of being emotional and/ or sharing with another person? The idea of no longer living with blissful denial? Know that everything listed above and more does make it hard to address a wound, I could never argue that. However, we can not neglect the fact that we are human, these emotions have their place in our lives, and we deserve to heal after our trauma and grievances. Healing happens only when the wound gets proper attention, affection and restoration.

Debunk that Stigma

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 10-18-2020

Stigma 1- People with anger issues are horrible people and sociopathic/ narcissists

A person suffering from anger issues often has ‘a lot of heart’ so to speak. They are quite often good-hearted people that have been hurt/ wounded so deeply due to their lack of boundaries and kindness that they gave to an evil/ greedy world. Anger is a defense mechanism/ survival program emotion that gets developed and polished after a vast accumulation of pain/ hurt. A wall of angry boundaries often protects a survivor from ever getting ‘hurt’ again. Even in many cases with criminals, it is not that they are ‘absent of morals’, rather their moral code is different due to their life circumstances. Most humans do ‘bad’ things and feel guilty after. It is those that have no remorse of extreme crimes such as torture or premeditated murder (without feeling threatened by the victim) that are likely sociopathic.

Stigma 2- Addicts are selfish

An addiction is self-medicating gone ‘haywire’. Meaning the person using the drug often intended to use the drug to cope with emotions and symptoms that they otherwise had no handle on. Addicts often do not intend on hurting the family members and friends, it is often about finding a way to live with scary and unbearable symptoms. This stigma could otherwise be rephrased: Addicts are not inherently selfish, rather, their desperation can sometimes lead to what some would perceive as ‘selfish acts’. When a drug happens to be the only thing worth living for, it becomes the center of a person’s attention. When you are asking a person suffering from addiction to give up their drug, you are asking them to give up the one thing that takes them away from chronic suffering. The issue of addiction does not go away fast, unfortunately.

Stigma 3- That’s ‘not sexual trauma’ type behavior, he/ she must be faking it

Most people have no clue what ‘post sexual trauma’ behaviors even look like. The fact of the matter is, those ‘odd’ behaviors you see that make you feel someone was not assaulted, may be the symptoms of someone that has been assaulted. Many survivors of sexual trauma are on one of two ends: isolation & lack of intimacy, OR lack of boundaries & promiscuity. Post assault, some survivors may want to avoid ever being hurt again and therefore will isolate and refuse sex to defend themselves from trauma again. Then on the other hand, some survivors may become more promiscuous with the wish to practice having control. This is known as the phenomenon of ‘reenactment’, goal being to replay the trauma in a safer environment, with hopefully, safer people.

Stigma 4- If you are functional in life, you are not mentally ill

Holding a full-time job does not mean you are ‘mentally stable’. Raising a family does not mean you are necessarily mentally healthy. Being rich does not mean you are happy and absent of stressors. Having the appearance of a ‘normal’ or ‘functional’ being does not mean that you are not mentally disordered. Believing that you are not ill, does not mean that you are not ill. Just because your friend looks happy with all their shit together, does not mean that they are happy with all their shit together. This is the purpose of my blog in general, “Functionally Mental”, meaning many people can summon up the energy to appear functional all the while struggling with mental erosion and emotional issue’s. No one is immune.

Stigma 5- There is always a ‘perpetrator’ & a ‘victim’ in domestic violence households

Firstly, there are absolutely cases in a domestic violence situation where there is a clear perpetrator and a clear victim. However, what is less talked about is that there are also quite a few situations in which the couple or household has people that play both roles. It has been observed in many therapeutic sessions and CPS cases that sometimes one partner can be a perpetrator, and then the next day be the victim, and vice versa. The couple, (or poly group) can be abusive toward each other and overall toxic. A person in an abusive relationship can be a ‘victim’ one day, and the next day go on to abuse. Sometimes in these cases all parties lose track of who was abusive first and are in a constant cycle of abusing and being abused. When it comes to DV situations, there are a lot of gray areas.

Stigma 6- ‘Gateway Drugs’ always lead to harder drug use in the future

This stigma is a major shame, because this is exactly why medicinal cannabis and psychedelics have been banned when they could have spared a lot of mental pain. If only we had used them for the right reasons and under licensed professionals from the very beginning. One drug does not necessarily lead to another, and even if someone is constantly drug switching, it is their mind that has the addiction. There are many people in this country on ‘the wrong drug’ to address their issue. Alcohol, caffeine and junk food VS cannabis, psychedelics, and exercise. When someone does not get a healthier drug to address their mental issue’s, they are more likely to go to a dangerous drug to do it. Enough with the stigma of gateway drugs, and MORE on the psychoeducation of how some natural drugs can provide holistic healing.

Stigma 7- If you are of a ‘normal’ weight, you do not have an eating disorder

Although there are many eating disordered individuals who happen to appear either malnourished or severely obese, appearances are deceiving. There are many people who have what we could call ‘normal’ bodies of a ‘normal’ weight but are suffering from eating disordered patterns behind closed doors. Regardless of what eating disorder a person has (anorexic, bulimic, binge eating) there are a few familiarities with all sufferers: obsession, perfectionism, shame, compulsiveness, and self-esteem issues. An eating disorder often starts with societal shames & demands, leads to the ‘need’ to alter our appearance for others, and inevitable frustrations as we will never meet those superficial body standards. Someone can get themselves to what looks like a ‘good body’ or ‘good weight’, but the disordered thinking patterns may be there for many years to come. ED has more to do with what is happening in the sufferer’s mind vs what the public see’s in their outward appearance.

Stigma 8- People with anxiety are just being dramatic

Though we call them mental disorders, we must be aware that the name is very deceitful. What starts in our minds can quickly manifest into physiological symptoms. Also, there are many times it does not start in the mind, rather it starts with our external environment. Example: a loud noise- triggering our hippocampus (part of the mind that stores memories), hippocampus reverts back to the last time the mind heard a loud noise- loud noise sounds like the car accident from 2 years ago- the amygdala (part of our brain that releases adrenaline for fight or flight) gets triggered- adrenaline releases through our body- commence the physiological symptoms: rapid heart rate, dilated pupils, sweats, breathing difficulty etc. These symptoms trigger our minds to concern “What is this?” “Oh no, it’s happening again!” “How long will it last?” “Is anyone watching?” Anxiety is a vicious cycle and requires a lot of care. Rest assured, anxiety sufferers, DO NOT want anxiety.

Climbing the Mountain

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 9-29-2020

“I climbed a thousand mountains, and then that hill stopped me in my tracks” -EaE

I talk to clients and friends about the circumstances that people are dealt, as well as the decisions we must make in our everyday lives. Unfortunately, some people are born in holes, and must fight their way to climb out. Others are born on flat grounds and will stroll and deal with the potholes and barriers that inevitably pop up. Then, there are some who are born on top of mountains. (The highly privileged) The top of the mountain is where many people want to be, but unlike the ones born on the mountains, the average poor to middle class individual must climb their way to the top. The disenfranchised have the most tasks: climb out of the hole, get through the stroll, get to the mountain and climb more. This is the fight that many may not be willing or able to make. One point is, we are often only as strong as our perceived ‘weakest link’, ‘weak’ in this case meaning underprivileged (so not actually weak but born into unfortunate circumstances). If we can throw ropes in the holes and assist them in climbing out, we have a moral responsibility to do so. Why? It’s never a child’s fault if they were born poor, neglected and/ or abused which can then rob them of the opportunity to climb out of said hole.

However, the individual’s freedom of will is always there, climbing out of the hole will always be their individual choice alone. Someone can throw a rope or ladder to someone in a hole and they may neglect to climb it. Some people may be strolling and the moment they see a mountain, they turn and walk in the other direction. The average individual strolls, stumbles, trips, gets back up and attempts their way back into life at a steady pace. There are many that will try climbing the mountain, work themselves to exhaustion and decide to climb back down to join the comfort zone of the stroll, once again. Then, even the stroll can be tedious, boring and full of frustrating barriers. If people are anywhere from poor to middle class, they have deep holes and difficult mountains to climb if they want any chance at bringing themselves out of their current situation. This is a kind reminder that we cannot get anywhere without working for it, tediously, almost every day of our lives. I am also compelled to admit that sometimes people will continuously climb only to be overwhelmed by tumbling dirt and rocks which may push them back down to the bottom. (The unfortunate life circumstances that can/ will happen)

I believe one of the best things I was taught by my beloved strict parents and through my military enlistment was to accept the miserable path toward success. Not maybe it will be miserable… it WILL be miserable. There is no avoiding it! They made it clear that avoiding misery was NOT an option, fatigue and misery will happen and I must adapt accordingly. Also, the reality that sometimes, hard work, will go completely unrewarded. These concepts helped me realize that we do not need instant gratification every day to keep up hard work. We need to work at our goals every day, and one day, delayed gratification may come. Sacrifices will include free time, relaxation, pleasures, friends, family time and more. So, the question is, are we ready to make this strenuous climb and sacrifice these things? Or would we prefer to stay in the hole or take the steady stroll? There is no wrong choice here, as there is a risk and hardship either way.

Many times, I have worked with people to help them toward their goals, and the same lines often come up. “But I don’t want to do this.” “I don’t feel like doing this.” “I’m tired”. They are often confused as they see their role model humans in the spotlight appearing ‘happy’ with ‘all their shit together’. The reality is, no one has magical excess energy, or the ability to slow down time to accomplish these things. Pursuing success is not a permanently happy life. The journey is not always happy, the end result is not always happy. Pursuing success is a means to get ourselves into a more ‘comfortable’ position, but nothing about the journey is comfortable or comforting. It’s terribly hard, and many will give up and accept what they have as is. In most cases, we have been taught wrong regarding what chasing success really means, and what it will feel like. Chances are, if you know of someone that has worked hard for their success (not the ones that were born on mountains, but the ones that climbed the mountains) they are exhausted. I’m exhausted, while many will look at my messy hair, dark undereye circles with the mentality of “What’s wrong? Your life is good!” All the while negating the work it took me to get to this point. In addition, the work it will take me to stay here or keep climbing.

Here’s what happens with mountain climbers… we climb halfway up a mountain and feel conflicted. We worked so hard to get halfway up, so we don’t want to climb down now, though we are exhausted and may feel tempted. We are also so tired we may not want to climb up anymore. We are stuck in limbo in this spot where less people are at. Many have chosen the stroll and we could not pull them or force them up the mountain with us, then there are those that were born at the top of the mountain looking down at us and laughing. In their minds they ‘earned’ it, and we climbers are less talented or less hard working than them. Climbing a mountain is a lonely and tedious journey that we may question everyday of our lives. Meanwhile, some may envy us if we are in the middle of the mountain and they are on flat grounds. They may not have seen our journey up and assume we got there effortlessly. Then there are those fighting their way out of the hole, they deserved better in life, they deserve help. We should help them IF we can afford to help them, as they have a much longer way to go than the average person and they are building up grit as tediously climb out the hole.

Another concept I learned from one of my favorite clinical supervisors is that every choice in life has risks. Staying in a hole has risks, keeping a stroll has risks, climbing a mountain has risks. For example, staying in a hole leads to depression, isolation, self-pity and overall misery. Staying with the stroll often means getting sedentary, complacent and envying those on the mountain that ‘you could have been’ had you been born ‘more privileged’. (The reality is being under privileged is always a factor, but it doesn’t negate the fact that we must climb) Then climbing the mountain means chronic exhaustion, frustrations, embarrassments (more spotlights are on you) etc. There is no way to live through life risk free, therefore I choose and also encourage many others to shoot for that mountain top. If someone does choose to stroll and they are happy with it, let’s be happy for them. However, if we choose to stroll through life because we fear the work of the mountain, there is a crucial thing to evaluate. Ask this question: Is my comfort zone worth sacrificing my dreams and goals for? Yes or no? We are at risk regardless, fight for something that is worth it to YOU. This metaphorical mountain could mean anything. A degree, vocational training, a ‘dream’ job, homeownership, raising children, building a business, an honorable military career, an alternative lifestyle that many may not understand but it feels right to YOU.

If you want to climb your mountain, climb it. Also remember to have the unconditional acceptances that it will be hard and others can practice their freedom of will to continue their stroll. The mentality of “I’m not going to climb until someone helps me or joins me” will keep you… stuck in the stroll. That’s the unfortunate truth. You can take very few people with you, the only ones you can take are the ones willing to climb by your side and help, otherwise you will be dragged back down where you started. Climbing the mountain requires tenacity, grit, increased independence, self-acceptance, boundaries as well as the many sacrifices listed above. Again, if you choose to climb, climb toward something that is worth it to you.

Feigning for Endorphins

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 9-24-2020

“I achieve something, and the satisfaction is fleeting. Then, on to the next. Because it is not about achieving what I set out for. It’s about fighting this demon inside that wants to kill me.” -EaE

People have either experienced major depression or know of someone that has it. A quite common illness according to statistics, but also commonly misunderstood and minimized. When people talk about the fact that major depression can sometimes be crippling, I can assure everyone that it is no lie. Depression can often range anywhere from general sadness throughout the day, most days of the week to crying outbursts at what feels like ‘random moments’ for what seems to be no reason at all. All the way to the severity of feeling mental & physiological symptoms such as: headaches, fatigue, hypersomnia, muscular retardation, reduced concentration, decreased motivation, pessimism, numbness, and/ or apathy. Endorphins is one of the most popular ‘drugs’ that may be sought after when experiencing serious depression, however, it is often hard to fight for and only offers a fleeting amount of euphoria. Due to the severity and chronic nature of depression, some may give up on their quest for these beloved endorphins. Then, on the other end of the spectrum, some may go through extreme lengths just to keep these endorphins coming all day, everyday for as long as they possibly can… to the point of extreme burnout.

I find that there is an extremely common correlation between chronic mental illness and addictive personalities. In the case of major depression and/ or dysthymia, some may find themselves in a vicious cycle of chasing after endorphins, only to feel disappointment in the fact that they continue to feel extremely depressed shortly after the endorphins are gone. That moment that we had hoped for, that goal or series of life events that was supposed to be the ‘end all be all’ and make life magical is here, and yet… still more depression. This is not only a destructive and dangerous cycle at times, but also a very deceitful one. It is very glamorized, especially in modern day society. America loves people that work 3 jobs, raise families, and can keep up with their fitness to the point of having rock hard abs. Unfortunately, our perceived ‘success stories’ often include people that live with mental illness, chase those addictive burnout lifestyles all the while smiling for the camera. What is it about this visual and perception that is so appealing? It can give us all hope, that we can ‘be it all’ one day and live those ‘happily ever after’s’ that the movies and our peers on social media love to portray.

What does the chase look like? It can often be traced in what appears to be compulsive behaviors, substance abuse and busy schedules. If the busy schedule is set up, not only does the depression sufferer have successes to look forward to, but also an enormous amount of activities that enforce their avoidance of what is going on in their minds. “If I work overtime, I will be too busy to cry”, “If I have a hobby that I do every evening after my job, I won’t go home to cry myself to sleep at night as I will be too exhausted”, “If I take this drug, it can keep me ‘happy’ and functional so I can push toward x,y,z”, “If I work toward this achievement, people will like me, which feels good”, “If I continue to post things, I will continue to get likes”, “If I burn this many calories, I will feel better, look better, and feel better yet again.” Keep in mind that many depression sufferers have already struggled through serious debilitating ruts that were so terrifying and painful, that they are doing these things at all costs to avoid yet, another rut.

If someone works themselves up to a major endorphin high, they are likely to ignore anyone/ everyone telling them to ‘slow down’. Why in the world would we want depressing sobriety over the highs of ‘success’ and affirmations? Why would we want to slow down when we are on a roll, we are living this dream and if we fall off the wagon of the endorphin rainbow we will surely be met with the excruciating feelings of severe depression… the enemy. The right answer? Because this cycle means that we are inevitably going to BURNOUT.

This is where I am compelled to say that life, is a double edged sworded BITCH. Too much endorphin chasing equals burnout, too little endorphin chasing equals major depression. Then when we find balance, we are often… bored! When we chase highs for too long, a balanced life is extremely boring. Thus, when we decide to knockout our self-destructive tendencies, we are then faced with the task of countering said boredom. Boredom is also depressing sometimes. Okay, so maybe this is a triple sword! Even better. ☹ But seriously, a balanced human is a healthier human. As a clinician, I will always stress the journey toward balance over the journey toward self-destruction all for short lived, superficial highs. I have been on the chase toward many endorphin highs, and now discipline myself more toward balance. This takes daily reminders. When the chase is on, we must slow down because at the other end of burnout will surely follow exhaustion paired with depression. The depression burnout ruts can last anywhere from months to years. Again, balance is more important than chasing highs.

Most people suffering from depression can already assure that they have followed the endless series of advice that is stressed/ thrown at them by doctors, friends, family, articles and more. “Listen Becky, that walk on the beach followed by a green juice and sunlight is not going to counter the chemicals that are literally frying my brain and creating a lethargic paralysis throughout my body and a blackness in my mind and soul…” Some people do, in fact, have to work so hard to counter their depression that it might as well be a full-time job. Yes this, along with many other mental illnesses is the reason mental health treatment is always warranted and needed. Too bad we will never get paid to take care of our very own mental wellbeing, or at least have free mental health care across the board to undo the damages of society and/ or our minds. Instead we may have to pay overpriced rates to help us mend these mental wounds instead.

In many cases we are led to believe we must end all mental health conversations and topics on a positive note, but depression is not positive. It is a real scary illness that can induce loneliness and isolation. This piece is about mitigating a gap and shedding light on a very misunderstood problem that is crippling the nation more and more. Why should we be compelled to understand this? Because this is sometimes us, our friends, our family members, our neighbors, our coworkers, our beloved stars and more. When we minimize the symptoms of a very real problem due to the fact that it is often an ‘invisible wound’, we contribute to the destructive cycle of isolation and in turn, mental deterioration.

Entrapment

Elisa A. Escalante, LMSW, 9-15-2020

“Not all choices are made with logic. Some are made during fear, some stem from pain. Some are made due to the lies we’ve been told. Some choices are forced upon us. Before you judge a person’s choices, recognize that you really don’t know why they made them.” -EaE

Unfortunately, humans can find themselves trapped in many ways due to many different reasons. They start the path toward something they believe they want, and it turns into a lifestyle that is consuming and miserable. Trapped physically, mentally, emotionally in something that they no longer want. The classic line of “you knew what you were getting yourself into” is often wrong. How often do we ever really know what we are getting ourselves into…? Especially if… we haven’t done it before…? Humans are often lost creatures searching for ‘perfect’ solutions to never ending problems. Entrapment is associated with heightened obligation to a life that we do not want but feel ‘stuck’ in for a variety of different reasons. Often the terms “I have no choice”, “I have to”, “I must” come up time and time again. Then, although there are options to making changes, the options often seem less than ideal at any given time. “A divorce might make me happier… but then I would have to deal with X,Y,Z.” “Quitting this job might be good for me, but then I would have to worry about X,Y,Z.” In other words, we do tend to get comfortable in our misery of entrapment due to the fear of what’s to come if we try to escape.

Examples of circumstances that lead to feelings of Entrapment:

Children in abusive households
Abusive marriage
Living within community violence
Prison
Military contract
Financial provider of a household
Parent of the household
Hospitalizations (medical or mental health)
Homelessness/ homeless shelter
Jobs that cover the bills, but barely
Owing debt
Legal obligations
Physical & Mental disabilities

Often, the above list are different situations in which people may report feelings of entrapment. It often feels hard to see a way out when you’re literally or mentally stuck, and the obligations are so high. Did we over promise? Did we get ourselves into something we were not ready for? Maybe we didn’t want it, but now it is what it is and it’s too late to back out. Can we even back out or are we bound by parents, sentencing or contract? Must we just ‘do our time’ until the nightmare is over? Will it be over? Is it my fault? What did I do? Life is terrifying when we feel stuck and unhappy with the day to day. What makes matters worse is, people are rarely sympathetic. “Kids stressing you out?? Guess you shouldn’t have had kids”. “Military sucks? Well you knew what you signed up for!” “Jail sucks, well maybe you shouldn’t have committed the ‘crime’.” “The hospital sucks? Well maybe you should take care of yourself better”. “Stressed about debt? We all are, everyone is dealing with it, spend less money.”

The blame always gets shifted back to the individual. You did this, you, you, YOU. Regardless of fault or lack of fault (because it isn’t always an individual’s fault; especially children that are in abusive households), we are entitled to our emotions, and emotions never lie. Maybe we had a foresight of something beautiful, maybe we were overpromised things. Maybe we were misguided, maybe we were… simply desperate. Maybe it literally was out of our control at the time. One theme I have found certain in almost all situations of entrapment, is the heightened sense of obligation, shame and misery that comes with it. It’s not to say that you cannot be happily trapped in something. If someone is happily ‘trapped’ in a situation they love, then technically that’s not entrapment, that’s a healthy/ happy lifestyle and routine they have set up for themselves. Entrapment is about those ‘stuck points’ where the days are hard to get through, and the way out of it seems to be getting slimmer and slimmer.

What can help when we are ‘STUCK’ and entrapped?

If it’s a dangerous situation and you’re consistently feeling threatened mentally and physically, GTFO. Seek safety, seek help, seek resources. It may be uncomfortable, but in order to accomplish this escape plan, you must get comfortable with asking for help and leaning on a support system, temporarily of course. If someone only wishes to diminish, minimize or deny your feelings or deny you access to help, find someone different, they are not the one that can help you. You deserve to be heard and validated.
Evaluate what you are actually ‘obligated’ to. In most cases we are NOT obligated to do as much as we think we are. The lines “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done” “I must”, “I have to” need to be reevaluated and reframed. Self-care must come first. Replace obligatory lines with lines such as “Somethings got to give”, “It’s okay not to feel okay”, “sometimes we all need breaks”.
Do what you love when you can do it. Regardless of the situation we find ourselves in, there are often at least small slivers of time that get to be ‘for us’. Do not waste that time on self-pity alone. You’re allowed to cry about how shitty your life is while you’re doing something of joy too. At least that activity can help alleviate some of the build up of stress and frustration. (Yes, I have done martial arts many times with tears streaming down my face either before, during or after the training session. Never a single regret.)
Visualize and plan the future lifestyle that you are devoted to making better than your present. This is crucial and involves a lot of ‘guided imagery’, hope, objectives, goals and planning. If you are trapped in something that makes you miserable, it’s imperative to actively look at how to change the situation in the future. This process involves a lot of self-motivation, as no one will do it for you. Toxic people and uncomfortable symptoms often sabotage this journey, boundaries will be crucial. As well as the unconditional acceptance that your life will not change overnight.
Stop Racing & Chasing. This means, stop being in a hurry to be first, or to accomplish what everyone else is. Live for you and be honest with yourself. Maybe you don’t want that job, maybe society pressured you into it. Maybe you don’t want kids yet, but everyone is telling you it’s the next step. Maybe you don’t want to reenlist in the military, but you do not know another life and are anxious about the next step. Entrapped people are susceptible to this theme as they live their life believing that the ‘next thing’ or ‘next person’ will make all their problems go away. However, working toward a goal or different lifestyle is only ever worth it, when it’s something that YOU want.

Empowerment

In many cases, there is an embarrassment associated with entrapment. As stated before, society shames those who find themselves in positions that are difficult to deal with. Unlike the rest of the world, I like to take the approach of empowerment vs the approach of shaming. I will empower you with the reminder that you can do great things for yourself, even when odds are stacked against you. In general, most people are capable of more than they realize, the key is always hunting down those crucial timeframes where we are free with time, and free of symptoms. (Yes, sometimes these moments are slim, but they count) The only thing we may have when we are in situations of entrapment is the daily tasks that we can do that will make a difference in our futures. (Delayed gratification) Do not let those moments pass you by. If this article is relatable to you, it means you deserve to be happier than this.

Hopes & Dreams

Elisa. A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 09-03-2020

“One more emotion or stressor could be one too many. The greatest awareness you can have, is knowing when you cannot take anymore… and when you must hope, dream and fight for something different.”

There are layers to this madness that is the mental health profession. I cannot even give a glimpse of how deep it goes, how deep we can go. People are like onions, with hundreds and hundreds of layers. Most of us only peal back a few layers, what’s left is a tangled mess that we are terrified to unravel. It takes tremendous courage to work in the mental health profession. It also takes tremendous courage to go to therapy and allow these mental layers to be peeled away as you bare your vulnerability to an absolute stranger. People want answers, primarily they want to ask me things like “What’s going on, why is the suicide rate so high?” “What makes people so.. ‘crazy’?” “What do you usually see in the therapy room?” How can we answer these things? Any and everything is possible. Also, no two people are exactly alike. This isn’t math, this isn’t engineering, this isn’t business, this isn’t economics. This is people. But, not their body, or teeth, or fitness or sales … but the human mind. The most complex thing to study, and no matter how much we study it, we will never have it all the way figured out.

I think one of the more disappointing things I sometimes see in my own profession is a ‘them and us’ attitude, as if we are not the clients, and they are not us. However, when we really think about it, we are them, and they are us. Meaning we are susceptible to emotional pain and trauma just the same as they are. We as therapists, are also susceptible to addictions, depression, anxiety, grief, anger outbursts and so on. We are NOT above any of the issues that we see from our clients in that therapy room. We can also question our own mortality, and our own desires to live and die. It’s not nearly as uncommon as people want to believe it is.

There is an unfortunate amount of people that want to die. There is also an unfortunate amount of people that claim they want to live but are slowly killing themselves in a dissociative state. They don’t even realize they are doing it. If we have ever worked ourselves to burnout and then went home only to feed on junk and poisons in front of a screen day in and day out for years, we are already halfway there. I believe that we need hopes and dreams in the same way we need sunlight and oxygen. We need something that brings joy, something to look forward to. My parents often told me I ‘had my head in the clouds’ way too often. Little did they know, I was concocting my future life plans. I was scheming a way out much like those ‘small town girls’ in the chick flicks that are prepping for an exciting future over in a place where ‘the grass is greener’. We will not always be bursting with happiness, motivation and concentration of course… but constant misery isn’t healthy either. When there is an accumulation of turmoil and misery, we need hope and desire to pull us through. We need reason’s to want to live, especially when living is horrifically painful.

How many people in this world have looked a person dead in the eyes when they talk about their suicidal thoughts, plans and attempts? Who else has seen and heard about their scars as they recount how and why they inflicted self harm? Why does the world need mental health therapists? Ultimately, we need people that are willing to ‘go there’ with us. The ones that are willing to sit with us in the depths of our pain and unspoken secrets. There are many things that are hard to say out loud, especially when it’s a matter of summoning up the will to keep living a life we don’t want to live anymore. I will humbly admit that I have helped people summon up the desire to continue with their lives, even when I was at breaking points in my own life. Hopes and dreams even when self-care, coping tools and everything else has fallen apart. Humans are phenomenal in that way. They suffer so much, yet they hope and dream so hard. They find things to live for, sometimes, even when absent of reinforced positivity.

HOPE gives us the ability to:

Have faith in the goodness of others and ourselves
Remember that nothing is permanent, to include debilitating emotions
Receive doses of positivity and euphoria

Dreams give us:

The beginning of a goal, which we can plan out clear objectives for later
An orientation toward the future while ‘trapped’ in the present
Guided imagery toward an alter life with envisioned possibilities

This is what the emotional mind needs to continue the desire of life and the pursuit of contentment. Meanwhile the physical body needs safety, food, water, sleep, sunlight, oxygen etc. Decreasing suicidal thought is often about restoring hope and willingness to fight through the monotony and misery. The second step would be to establish a sense of self, self-care and the confidence to pursue what we want vs what others want for us. Self love and self-actualization (higher up on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) require a solid foundation. A descent balanced life is not as easy as we make it out to be. So, if you happen to be struggling, know that you shouldn’t be ashamed. If anything, society should be ashamed, and take a portion of the responsibility. If someone you know is struggling, be easy on them. Life does evil things to us.

Things we shouldn’t say:

“You have so much to live for” (not everyone shares this sentiment or see’s something in their life that is perceivably worth living for… yet.)
“Think about your children” (Children are an obligation, they come with many added stressors and are separate from self. A child CAN be considered a protective factor, but it is still very possible for a parent to be suicidal)
“It will all be okay” (we can’t promise that, especially if we are not willing to go the distance of caregiving for another human being until they are more settled in life and in their minds.)
“That’s a coward’s way out” (No, it’s a way out for those that feel they have exhausted all measures that they know of, still feel like shit, and have people giving them ridiculous feedback such as this quote.)
“Don’t be weak” (There are different types of strength in the world, mental fortitude is a tremendous one. The reality is you can’t measure another person’s mental fortitude because you will never be in their mind to feel how much they are suffering through.)

My blanket advice to all people? Take care of you first, because quite honestly, no one else is going to know how to do it as well as you. No one is going to understand what you need as well as you. If anything, we need this constant daily reminder that we are worthy of self-care and pursuit of happiness. We are also worthy of help when we need it, and hopefully we find that help. Hopefully we also find those hopes and dreams that are worth waking up for. If someone finds something that they love and they pursue it with a vengeance, support it. We don’t really know just how much it’s saving them; to follow that dream. It has nothing to do with whether we will attain what we set out to attain. It’s about channeling the dream into motivation, momentum and ultimately, living a life.

T.I.G.S

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 08-25-2020

What is it that erodes our mental health over a lifetime? What can we avoid? And what must we face? There are quite a few mental disorders and no doubt our brain chemistry and biology play a role in our psyche. However, it is also that nurture factor: the things that happen to us. The theme of the environment surrounding us, that we are trapped in. This could include: Community violence, war, domestic violence, toxic work environments, poverty, chronic homelessness etc. Unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances as well as traumatic grievances that can build up over a lifetime. It is NOT always our fault and we must come to terms with the fact that life slowly erodes our mental/ emotional wellbeing. First, let us identify the four major contributors to mental erosion. I present to you an acronym I have created/ coined as TIGS! Be mindful of TIGS and the role it plays in our mental/ emotional health.

Trauma- Facing or witnessing life or death situations, as well as chronic exposure to repeated situations of helplessness/ hopelessness and/ or loss of control over time.

Injury- (physical and/ or moral)- damage to the body or damage to the moral compass either through a physical blow/ accident/ medical complications or a situation in which someone is forced into doing something that goes against their values/ belief system.

Grief- Loss to include loves ones, job, money, time, identity, sense of purpose, belongings.

Stress- Accumulation of adverse situations and release of cortisol hormone leading to physical and mental tensions.

When faced with TIGS, there are several things that can help mitigate some of the risk of mental erosion. It gets tricky, because it is extremely hard to remember what is important when we are in a time of crisis. First and foremost, we must establish safety before healing can even begin. Also, to heal, we must first admit that there is something to heal from. So, what are the barriers that can often make our TIGS more chronic and exacerbated? What are the helping agents that can get us through with the least amount of mental damage possible?

The Barriers to healing during or post TIGS

Denial/ deflection
Avoidance of issue’s through excessive work or substance abuse
Lying about how we feel to ourselves and others
Avoiding healthcare and mental health care at all costs
Isolation & agoraphobic tendencies (staying indoors and hiding when in pain)
Repeatedly going back to what harms us (often due to guilt, low self-esteem and/ or obligation)
Lack of a support system
Never asking for help

What helps when dealing with TIGS?

Established support network (community/ family/ friends/ social clubs.. etc)
A variety of healthy coping tools
Prioritizing self-care (Sometimes this means saying no to others)
Medical check ups and mental health hygiene
Saying yes to helpful resources when in a time of need (gifts/ social welfare etc.)
Keeping our momentum (slowing down is always okay, but stopping/ isolating is what is harmful)
Grounding ourselves in the moment and allowing our emotional processing through
Practicing patience with ourselves as well as positive affirmations

Many people have reported that when dealing with TIGS, they often come face to face with societal pressure’s, judgements, criticism, and a lack of support. I always stress when we choose our support systems, we must choose them wisely. When picking our healthcare and mental health care teams, we must find a fit that we are comfortable with. When going to friends or family members for an emotional outlet, we must remember which ones are actually helpful to talk to. When engaging in any type of self-medicating, we must remember the importance of harm reduction and balance. We must also remember to keep some momentum, but also not push ourselves. These balances are excruciatingly difficult to keep up, and sometimes the TIGS just keep on coming. We are faced with enormously difficult tasks. Keeping up with the constant demands of life (work/ family/ bills etc), dealing with TIGS and being required to appear ‘normal’ and happy the entire time.

What was your last TIGS situation? How did it go? How did you handle it? Did you reach out for support? What was helpful and what did not work for you? What were the barriers and how can you counter them next time? It is true that TIGS are a part of life, but it is also true that humans are emotional beings and require time to process, address their issue’s, tend to the wounds, and heal. Some people address all their TIGS with phrases such as: “I’m okay”, “I can do it on my own”, I’ve been through worse” etc. Be mindful that these phrases fit many of the barriers of healing in the top list: denial, deflection, avoidance, and never asking for help. Functionally Mental blog is here to remind you again, it is okay to not always be okay.

Chasing Highs & Lows

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 08-21-2020

“The one thing that saved me and gave me hope for many years, is also what’s slowly destroying my body and mind. And now, I am forever torn.” -EaE

What’s your poison? Have you figured it out yet? Do you still believe drugs are only injected into the body and only dangerous if society says so? People tend to want to feel comfortable while in a state of mental and physical equilibrium, unfortunately we stray away from that as life hits us with a tremendous number of tiny blows, repeatedly. How much can the mind and body take before it craves something other than what its getting? There are a few reasons I believe we must destigmatize self-medicating and drug addictions.

Everyone (literally everyone!) self-medicates with something
Addiction is a high indicator of emotional distress/ mental illness
Lack of talking about it = lack of education = lack of insight = you will be rendered useless in how to solve the problem
Sometimes self-medicating is better for us than sobriety (Yes, I said it)

Here’s the issue, before mental health education was mainstreamed, we had a very odd way of dealing with substance abusers. They were to be highly shamed, highly pathologized and pressured from everyone around them to simply cure their issue’s as quick as possible. They were made to believe that sober meant happiness and normalcy. However, for them, quitting cold turkey meant… misery. They were pressured into sobriety and social norms while being rendered useless, as they could not find any other ways to cope. They were always told to quit, but never told what to do with themselves after. Then life moves on, the family members in denial get to live happily knowing their family reputation can be saved, they won’t have an ‘awful addict’ in the family. Then, when inevitable relapse happens, they may cut off the family member completely. It’s unacceptable to poison yourself with these things and if you continue to do so, do stay away! It could be contagious…

Don’t get me wrong, I for one know on a personal level, it is extremely hard to live with a chronic substance abuser/ addict. It was hard and confusing, and then heart breaking all the more when she chose to give up on us. All that was said to me from my family about my mother was “She cannot take care of you because she does drugs”. That was the explanation I got since I was 6 years old. Nothing further about her mental or physical state, well being, trauma history, nothing. It would take many painful years before I discovered her story. For the longest of times, we have lived in a world where people could not, or would not piece together this simple pattern:

A Trauma/ grief/ mental illness = B chronic, distressing symptoms = C temptation to self-medicate said symptoms = D self-medicating gone haywire = E possible addiction

The list of activities we can use to self-medicate are endless:

TV & movies/ Games/ stimulants/ cannabis/ hallucinogens/ caffeine/ food/ anxiolytics/ alcohol/ sedatives/ shopping/ gambling/ opioids/ sex/ exercise/ driving/ cuddling/ listening/ writing/ inhalants/ social media/ tobacco/ stealing/ burning/ cutting & other forms of self-harm/ reading/ socials/ problem solving/ working/ fighting etc

Read the list carefully and remember, you are not above self-medicating, no one is. The questions are 1- What symptoms are you trying to medicate? 2- What’s your ‘drug(s)’ of choice? 3- How does it help you and how does it harm you? 4- Are you capable of self-medicating in moderation or has it gotten difficult to regulate/ control?

Are you using alcohol to counter anxiety and insomnia? Are you using a stimulant to decrease depressive symptoms? Are you excessively eating because it’s easy access and life is miserably boring? Is the cannabis helping your otherwise explosive anger? There are many different reasons we self-medicate, we must address the imbalance that may cause us to spiral, very noticeably, out of control. Phase D (Self medicating gone haywire) is typically the phase in which our family members/ friends start to notice our ‘shameful’ habits. They then induce more shame on something we are already feeling shameful about. This will lead to more distressing symptoms, and then, more self-medicating to make up for it. Hence, when we try to pressure our friends/ family members to quit the ‘drug’, we often unintentionally push them further into it.

Despite popular belief, we don’t necessarily have to quit self-medicating. As many can see from the list above, it is impossible. It’s human to self-medicate and we are surrounded by a stressful society with many things to medicate with! Quitting may be counterproductive to our mental health (depending on our drug of choice). I have known clients to say that if they did not continue smoking or drinking, they would likely kill themselves. I very well, then, cannot tell them to quit just because ‘it’s bad for you’. Obviously, society is worse for them than the drug, if they cannot tolerate it in sobriety enough to want to continue dealing with it.

So, what helps reduce compulsive self-medicating & addictive behaviors?

My big answer: MORE COPING OUTLETS & LESS SHAME. I recommend we all have five or more outlets. Example: cannabis, martial arts, reading, writing, Netflix, social media, walks. This is a pretty damn good list! Another example: Yoga, baking, meditating, psychedelics, singing, shopping & social events. Well balanced, and many options to choose from. When we have only ONE coping outlet, we are more likely to abuse that coping outlet. Once upon a time, I had only one coping outlet: food. So, every time I felt depressed, lonely, bored, anxious, stressed, fearful etc, I went right to… food! Then, I gained weight. Then I received societal shame. Then, I developed an eating disorder. Then, subsequent symptoms followed such as increased depression, hypersomnia, fatigue, issues with concentration. Then, I ate more food to counter increased symptoms. At that point it was a vicious counterproductive cycle. I tried all diets possible until I realized dieting won’t ‘cure’ an eating disorder or food addiction. Literally, the only thing that helped was increasing my coping outlets while decreasing shames. The more coping activities I did outside of food, the more I was able to experience a positive world outside my ‘drug’ of choice. Then, the less I was tempted to eat all my feelings away. The more I countered shameful thoughts with positive affirmations, and the more I placed boundaries on those that shamed me, the less likely I would experience distress and temptation to continue excessive self-medicating.

It’s funny, really, how I strived to be nothing like my alcoholic/ meth addicted mother, but then turned to food instead. We may try so hard to not become an addict, but then become an addict. No one’s goal is to be heavily addicted to something while flushing the rest of their life away. It starts small and subtle. A pain; then a pleasure to counter the pain. Chasing equilibrium, chasing the things that will get us back there again so that we may tolerate the wounds of internal and external triggers. Racing and chasing our way to ‘normalcy’ or ‘happiness’ with highs and lows. Be aware, be vigilant and most importantly, be honest and kind with yourself.

Growing Pains

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 8-17-2020

“Laughing is easier than crying, anger is easier than grief, silence is easier than talking about it, forgetting is easier than remembering. But, we do not get the luxury of choosing how and when to feel things. And although we can disguise and hide our pain, we cannot will it to go away.” -EaE

‘Adapt and overcome’, it’s supposed to feel like a breeze. Change is inevitable and we all must go with the changes; use our natural adaptability skills as people often do. Just when we settle and think things are what they will be ‘forever’ a new path comes ‘out of nowhere’, forcing us to go through growing pains, yet again. Why?! Even though humans are tremendously adaptable, we cannot help but fight the changes every step of the way. That is, until we eventually give up in defeat and settle for this new reality/ norm. Why do we fight it? Perhaps because we have fought blood, sweat and tears to get to where we are at, and it hurts to see it all taken away or swept up in a whirlwind that we had next to no control over. Ouch. What feelings and emotions are really being triggered when a new chaos emerges? Powerlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness… terrifying feelings.

We want to believe we have control; we want to believe that if we do things right and plan our lives in a calculated manner, that everything will go okay. As much as it is true that our life choices are crucial in how we turn out, it is also true that there will be things that we have zero control over, that may ‘destroy’ all progress that we had made. Can we accept that? Can we adapt? Can we work with new limitations while we deal with these excruciating growing pains? Whether someone is gaining or losing something, yes, I will always call it growing pains. As a matter of fact, I hate when people use the phrase “starting over”. I do not believe humans ‘start over’. I believe that their life is consistently changing, and they are consistently learning and growing with it. Even if a life event leaves us for broke, are we not richer in experience? If a life event caused us to have a nervous breakdown, are we not wiser from surviving through that mental battle? Even if someone is 30 years sober and has a relapse on their drug, did it really undo 30 years of sobriety? Even if life is shit, can we not hope for and perhaps create a bigger and better future by taking from those lessons?

I have worked with many clients during some of the hardest situations in their lives. Military deployments, family separations, divorces, abusive relationships, addictions, bankruptcy’s, legal issues, suicidal contemplations, homicidal fantasies and so on. One thing I believe in is our ability to live on despite every card and every play working against us. However, just because humans can adapt, does not mean it’s easy or that it feels ‘fair’. Currently we are going through a tremendous amount of growing pains. These growing pains involve loss, grief, helplessness, powerlessness, racial divides, changes in financial status & housing stability… it feels more like a loss than growth. However, no matter how rough the crisis, I have a responsibility to remind those that stay living, about the ways in which they can engage in self-care.

In crisis, adaptations, change and chaos, a good therapist goes ‘back to the basics’. My basics come from a military mental health background. When in a war zone, we cannot go outside without being in danger, resources are limited, support systems are thousands of miles away, danger is lurking around every corner. Sound a bit familiar? Nothing is definite or definitive. Nothing is figured out all the way. I cannot lie and say it will “all be okay” when I do not know if myself or my client will die tomorrow. So, back to the basics of self-care. Are you eating? Are you drinking water? Are you resting? Are you engaged in a social activity of some sorts (even if it can only be tele communication for now)? Are you attempting to do something, anything, that brings joy to your life? Ever?

Ironically when humans are faced with the hardest growing pains of their lives, that is when they often shut down and do everything except self-care. Self-destructive tendencies often kick in. Why? When we are emotionally distraught, we do not steer toward healthy activities necessarily, rather we tend to engage in comforting and coddling activities. Things that have powerful temporary ‘healing’ powers, but no true healing powers. This could include isolating, staying sedentary, substance abuse, codependency, compulsive behaviors, neglecting plans/ chores for the future and so on. I must remind people to care for themselves, especially in the hardest of times. External life circumstances can/ will break us if we let our guard down and forget the most important thing of all: our own personal self-preservation. Below is a list of tips that can help alleviate some of the current growing pains, traumas and grievances we are currently facing:

Engage in regular eating and hydration, first and foremost. Listen to your bodies cues when it is telling you it’s hungry or thirsty, do not let less important things get in the way of this (it’s at the top of the list for a reason).
Allow yourself an adequate amount of sleep/ time off. This should also be prioritized above the rest of the list.
Filter toxic/ negative energy with boundaries. (ex: filtering social media, scheduled time in solitude, abstaining from abusive people etc)
Monitor screen time to include: TV, gaming, social media, news etc. Obviously, screens are here to stay, but we are not meant to be on them all day every day. Though screen purging may instigate FOMO moments, by abusing the screen, we miss out in our organic lives.
Have MULTIPLE healthy coping outlets (ex: musical instrument/ journaling/ coloring/ gardening/ singing/ arts & crafts/ socializing etc)
Exercise! I put this separately from ‘healthy coping outlets’ only because it’s not optional. We MUST exercise. Humans need to keep momentum. What is optional, is what you choose to do for exercise, and the list to choose from is HUGE. Find something you love!
Always remember/ be humbled by what is out of your control. This includes other people’s decisions, other people’s viewpoints/ beliefs, mother nature & so on. Picking our battles & missions wisely is imperative because we only have so much physical/ mental energy to get us through the day.
Be aware of your self-destructive habits (we all have them! No shame!) and the triggers that onset these habits. Ex: Watching the news regarding ____ makes me feel ____ and then I tend to engage in ______.
Learn lessons. Accountability can be one of the hardest things to face in a crisis, but when the calm of the storm hits and we can find something of value to take with us, it can foster some much-needed life improvements.
Get help if you need help. There are just some things we cannot face all alone. No one is equipped for everything. Whether the help be a networking connection, a resource, professional counseling, crisis intervention or so forth, it is worth doing for the sake of your mental health.