Surviving a Narcissist

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 1-30-2023

(2 Years ago in Brooklyn, NY)- I was standing on the roof of a 6 story building, the one where I shared an apartment with my ex fiance, literally my ex, the sting of our broken engagement was still fresh. I looked down as I contemplated jumping. It took me a good twenty minutes of thinking about it before I snapped back to reality. I had to therapist myself: “What would I tell a client in this situation? A man that could get you to a point of contemplating suicide, is NOT the right man for you. There it is. Now, walk away and keep walking. It’s time to get your life back together. It won’t be easy, it’s going to be painful for a while, but you need to leave this place and never return.”

Early 2018– I was recently out of one relationship (A 9 year relationship that fizzled out slowly) and right back into another. It took what seemed like just a few weeks. But this time it was ‘different’. He was different. I wanted something different, it felt new, exciting, adventurous. I was on Cloud 9. I threw caution to the wind for the first time in my life. Before I knew it, we were living together (he asked and I couldn’t say no), and everyday felt ‘magical’. Every now and then there was something that was a bit ‘off’… Such as being out in public at an MMA fight with friends. One of my ex ‘flings’ happened to be there. And one of my BFF’s kept bringing up his name. My boyfriend seemed angry. Before I knew it he was whispering in my ear: ‘If she mentions that guys name one more time I’m going to snap his f&$ing neck’. I froze; I was speechless. I then took my BFF to the ladies restoom to beg her to stop talking about that ex fling. She was confused, “why is he that jealous, he really shouldn’t be that jealous about something from your past.” She was right. But I let that one get swept under the carpet, like many other things.

Love Bombing (My crazy 2018)

The issue right away was the end of my long term 9-year relationship I had just had; I needed a new roommate to help with rent. My ‘fresh out of college social worker salary’ was not going to cut it in NYC. The new man in my life decided to be ‘kind’ and offer me his BFF who was living with him and his Third child’s mom. Yes, that’s right! He had three kids, and from three different women. According to him he was ‘living with Baby Mom 3, but they were ‘separated’ and only together for the baby.’ This was my first “Red flag” I chose to ignore. He tempted and enticed me a lot despite my fears of his baggage. He made himself out to have a steady job, a lot in savings, a high work ethic, a humble man that could admit his flaws, and he was an incredible athlete (we both shared a deep love for MMA), fun sense of humor etc. He was the opposite of the ex before him; far from boring. And he didn’t’ body shame me! At least, not immediately. The fact that he would help clean without being nagged/ begged was quite the bonus too. At least… he did at first. He gave me tons of compliments & reassurance and sweet talked the hell out of me. He literally proposed within weeks. I had to pump the breaks on that initial proposal. It seemed crazy, yet romantic. Crazy romantic! At the time (I was newly 28 years old) I had never heard the term “love bombing’ before.

Let the Lies/ Mind games begin (More of my crazy 2018)

So, there I was in a whole new living situation. New live-in boyfriend, a female roommate that he had gone to HS with. They were cool initially. They were cleaning, they were paying their rent on time, they were ‘chill’. I had to move; my landlord was not happy with the 3 people arrangement & threatened to increase the rent. Before I knew it, I found myself in my new boyfriends Aunt’s basement apartment in a very crappy inconvenient location. Things started to get strange. My boyfriend’s card would not work sometimes when we were out shopping. “Oops I guess my baby’s mom robbed me again…” or the good Ole “I forgot my wallet today” trick. Very quickly he went from a man with ‘steady work and savings’ to a man that was just ‘laid off’ and didn’t appear to have anything. And his third child’s mother started to verbally harass me online. I blocked quickly, but it did not seem like she had the attitude of a woman that was ‘separate but living together with an ex’. More like the anger of someone that was just left in a shocking manner….’ (I wish now I could tell her sorry and I had no idea… LIKE really! I had no idea). What made matters worse is our roommate also started to skip out on rent and invited a man to live with us without our permission. Yes, we had a squatter on our hands, and even the cops couldn’t remove him. My now ex’s aunt tried to pressure me to pay all the rent that wasn’t being paid by anyone else, (I paid my share and my exes share when he couldn’t, but I was not paying our room mates 1/3rd) and I refused. This was NOT my responsibility. I pressured my BF at the time to move, we NEEDED to move! He kept trying to refuse but later realized he had to cave. I was not dealing with the situation well.

A ‘Fresh’ New Start (Late 2018)

I was so excited to be moving from Queens to Brooklyn. I was much closer to work (I worked for the Brooklyn VA and the commute was killing me). The new apartment took ALL of our money. ALL of it. NO friends, no family favors, a real apartment hunt/ broker and the money was ridiculous. But per usual I always say, “You cannot put a price on freedom”. It felt magical. Spacious apartment, we worked out an arrangement for the kids every other weekend. He found new work. Then would get fired or quit and find more work. We did have quite a few tiffs about this. The stress of being unable to keep a job and perhaps seeing the disappointment on my face got to his ego. His anger reactions started to get worse. He would yell, curse, name call, deflect, project onto me. I would then get triggered/ angry and talk back. Not yell, talk back. I then started to catch him in white lies, and eventually, heavier lies. For over a year he had been telling me these over-the-top stories of serving in the military, and our friends as well. I couldn’t take it anymore, and with a serious confrontation he finally admitted it was all a lie. I cried hysterically; he made me out to be dramatic. He literally told me “I made him lie”. His reasoning? “You would not have dated me If I wasn’t a Veteran, I had no choice”. I also caught him messaging a girl and inviting her over to the damn apartment I was paying for (he was in between jobs so much that yes, I paid a good majority of the bills at this point). His chosen lie was that he was ‘inviting her over for a tattoo job’ because he needed work (A girl he had flirted with in the past… yeah right…)

It got Physical… (2019 Ups & downs and all around)

One of the projects we were working on as a couple that I did cherish at the time; BJJ documentaries. We traveled from gym to gym with a camera buddy and other friends and would film our experiences at so many MMA/ BJJ gyms around NYC and Long Island. But eventually, our video editor friend got burned out, and then my boyfriend did too. We had so much footage to get through and I was the only one working on it. One particular weekend we argued about this. I was working full time, doing half the chores, doing all of the editing, helping buy his children things because him and Baby mom 3 were often broke. The argument escalated quite badly, I decided to walk away and leave the apartment to cool off. (I promise I did not throw the first swing). As I attempted to walk out, he stormed at me and grabbed me by my hoodie collar and dragged me back into the apartment and shoved me down on the floor. I looked to my left and vividly remember his toddler (2.5 yrs. old at the time) staring at us with wide eyes. I cried hysterically and ran to the kitchen after I got up. He came in two minutes later as calm as a clam and tried to ‘comfort me’. I slapped him in the face as hard as I could. (As destructive as this sounds, I wanted to test him at this point. Would he hit back? How bad of a situation am I really in?) He did not hit back.

He recalled the situation very differently than me. He used lines like “I did not push you, I touched you and you fell over”. And when I told him how upset I was that his son saw; that it’s not good for a baby to witness domestic violence his comeback was always: “he wasn’t there, he did not see anything”. I started to feel insane. (Yes, this is what gaslighting actually looks like. Take notes!)

Drugs can get you through almost anything (2019-2020)

Believe it or not, 2 years into the 3-year relationship he proposed, and I said yes. I have to rewind enough to mention, he also introduced me to weed and psychedelics. When I first smoked weed, I felt like it was something I had been missing my entire life. I’ve suffered from major depression since I was 11 years old, and my work stress was causing some severe episodes, the drugs uplifted my mood. I recall a time where he had an extreme verbal outburst toward me, because I was venting about hardships with work. He screamed at me while I sobbed; “you have it easy, your life is good, you don’t work hard, you are always complaining!!!!’ So, what did I do? I went back to a tactic from my childhood, silence. The drugs helped me get through domestic violence. That is both a ‘good and bad’ thing I suppose. No matter how awful he was acting, I could always sneak off into the bathroom with a pipe or bong. Or I could consume an edible hallucinogen and have the ‘time of my life’. He would verbally explode, I would consume, as would he. Then we would calm down and ‘make up’ until the next outburst. He had a talent for sweet talking me after an outburst. He could cry on command if he needed to, and I am highly empathetic. He knew how to gain my trust again. It felt like a constant environment of control; him controlling me through verbal tactics. Belittling, name calling, criticizing, demanding, lying, deflecting, projecting and so on. Why though? Perhaps some jealousy? I recall a friend of ours asking me about my experience deployed to Afghanistan. My ex got very frustrated with that question, I could see it written on his face, and as soon as I started to talk about my combat experience, he interrupted and changed the subject to him. When I confronted him later about this, he denied it. He always denied. If I talked back, he screamed louder. He always won; I was on eggshells.

He loved calling me lazy. Even when I was working full time, going to classes part time (I used my GI bill to further my education and help us get more money!), training martial arts, helping with his kids every other weekend; my fatigue meant I was ‘lazy’. He loved to force me up at 3 am and drag me to the woods in the freezing cold and claim that it would cure my depression. He would then proceed to yell at me for not hiking fast enough. At some point, he pushed me down for a second time… he also threw something at me very hard because I accidently washed a cast iron skillet with water again. Oops. That being said, I started to live in a state of constant hypervigilance. He started to resent me for coming home to a comedy show and the bong while remaining silent; as I was not allowed to vent anymore. He did not acknowledge that perhaps he had a major part in this cycle.

Begging/ Pleading for BreadCrumbs (2020)

When he was offered a Steady job as a part time building superintendent, we were both so excited. I viewed this as a way for us to salvage what was breaking. After all, if he had steady pay, perhaps that would be the confidence he needed to tame his ego, and I would be better off for it. At this point I was paying most bills; I paid his child support a few times too. I had to literally beg him to pay his child support, I had to pay it first for him to even consider doing it. I had to beg him to go to his own custody/ child support hearing. And the various times he was laid off, I had to beg him to do housework as he started to hold out on helping around the home. He used my car often for his side hustles and racked up 500 dollars’ worth of parking/ speeding tickets. It was like living with a teenager that had to be reminded of their responsibilities daily. When we moved, naturally I had to do a lot. Transfer over all the utilities. He told me I did not have to pay rent for six months, as he was finally acknowledging he was indebted to me; diapers, formula, baby clothes, rent, utilities that I had paid at least 3/4’s of for two years straight. Done deal!

I can honestly say, I have never seen a ‘grown man’ gripe about working so much. The hypocricy of ‘me not being allowed to vent about work’, but him yelling about his new job everyday was quite frustrating. Anytime work angered him, he blamed me. He blamed me for ‘making him get a job that made him so unhappy’. He made it clear he was jealous of the fact that I could ‘sit down all day’ and make more money than him as a physical laborer. The job made his ego worse. I begged him to hang onto the job just until I got my LCSW, and then I promised he can do ‘whatever he wants and build his own business and work for himself’. And I meant it. The dream at the time was Colorado.

The inevitable Ending (January 2021)

Our schedules were insanely busy. We helped train and manage MMA fighters during the pandemic as a side hustle. We both got increasingly burnt out. I started to have suspicions he was flirting with one of our female students; he called me crazy of course. I caught him in many more lies. He did not have a savings bond, as he once insisted. Every now and then I would still catch him telling our friends about his ‘time in the military’. One of the few outbursts I had toward him involved me calling him out on the fact that ‘there is nothing adultlike about him, as I had to keep reminding him to take care of adult things; paying his share of bills, paying his child support, setting up a utility, keeping track of deadlines.’ etc etc.

So, after all the work and tireless effort I put into raising the narcissist, he was so ‘fed up’ with me, he decided to go on a two-day camping trip in which I was not allowed to contact him. He vanished. I received maybe 1-2 texts which triggered my attachment anxiety. Then within a week, he sat down and had ‘the talk’. “We should separate” he said, looking at me with a smile on his face. I’ll never forget that he was smiling as he said this. I ran off into the bathroom (my safe place) highly emotional. Within several hours, I was texting my father and supervisor my plan to escape. (From NYC back to SoCal; my hometown) I was truthful. Work burnout, pandemic, and abuse took its toll over the years, I was no longer functional. I also texted the Veterans crisis line because for the first time since I was a teen, I started having suicidal ideation, but this time there were more plans; pills, jumping off a building.

I had to live with him for one month after this ‘separation’ he proposed. All the while he played mind games. It’s important to note he said lines like “It’s me, I need to work on myself… I should be single….” but then would have days where he would get angry and blame me for everything. Including the job “I made him have”. (Because for some reason having children is not ‘enough of a reason to work’ and make an income….) Another memorable line he said: “I’ll never get with someone that has PTSD and depression again.” Ironically, he has PTSD with anger issues.

It doesn’t End even after you Move on (Feb 2021)

I earned my LCSW right before I moved to NYC, miraculously I was able to achieve this despite the mental pain I was in. I put all my focus into it, and then split for good. I kept contact with the narcissist for only 1-2 months. He tried to sweet talk. He told me he missed me and still loved me at one point. Then he would try to make me feel guilty about moving, told me I took the ‘easy way out’. He told me he wanted me to move out of his apartment, but not away from NYC. He liked to control me through his texts/ calls, half of them ended in screaming matches. Then, a close friend of mine confided in me and shared that my ex was already hooking up with a girl we trained with in martial arts. The girl! Our student, who is ten years younger. The one I was suspicious of. (So much for “I need to be single and figure myself out….”)

Right then and there when I received that confirmation from my friend, I felt a surge of rage. It was most definitely the worst type of rage I had ever experienced. My brain started racing through all the shit I put up with after the breakup, his screaming, yelling and blaming. His very blatant lies about ‘needing to be single’ just one year after he proposed and gave me a ring. The fact that I gave him 1K of my savings because ‘we were saving for CO and it was only fair’, it was me giving him pity money because he never was able to save truthfully. The fact that I asked him to send me my things I could not fit into my car during my road trip back to CA, and instead he sold all my stuff without my permission. Then, there was my intrusive memories of everything I did for him in those three years. Helping financially with his kids, helping him financially. Carrying his weight when he was clueless. Helping fund his business and providing my car/ funding tools/ cards etc. Taking care of him when he was laid off or quit; 4 times in 3 years! And all the while being subjected to belittling, blame, manipulation and even some physical abuse.

Off and on I would unblock him just to send rageful messages, and then block again. I decided I would never give him the satisfaction of having a voice. He will NEVER have a chance to lie to me again. Everything out of his mouth is, in fact, a lie, so why listen? I follow narcissistic support groups on the regular now, and every recovery coach will tell you that no contact is the ONLY way. And it’s very true. I struggled with stopping myself from the unblocking at first, my rage would take over. (It didn’t help that I found out even more lies he had said about me to a couple of our other friends: that “he was paying all the bills.” HA!!!!) But I can proudly say I have discontinued that bad habit last year.

My Rainbows after the Storm (Early 2021- Present day)

In the past two years, I have accomplished more than I could have ever imagined. Especially when I think back to those days in Brooklyn where I was near my end mentally. I took a good five months off from work, then worked part time doing social research from home. (Something I’ve always wanted to try) I voluntarily admitted myself into substance abuse treatment, received medication, and got various medical checkups. I applied and received an increase in VA disability for PTSD, depression, hypersomnia and an eating disorder. I had many walking ‘magical trips’ in the desert where I cried alone. I created many new boundaries and non-negotiables; raised the hell out of my standards! By early 2022 I was working full time again; my first position as an LCSW. Shortly after, I realized I could finally become a homeowner; I bought my first house in April of 2022. During this timeframe of being back in CA, I published two books: Unseen in July 2021, and ‘In my Head’ in November 2022. And I’m also a proud glamping host! There is a beautiful glamping site in my yard that was built by my new (sweet/ caring/ amazing) boyfriend that is already getting booked. 🙂 We were up and running by December 31st, 2022; an amazing way to start the New year of 2023.

If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading my story. I truly hope, per the usual, that my story can help someone. That telling this story helps empower other victims of narcissistic abuse. You can leave, please know your worth. Please don’t let anyone else define your worth. Seriously, I could be dead right now, all because of some asshole that I really never needed. I was brain fogged. That’s what they do to us.

Below are links to my books if you are interested, as well as the Glamp site.

Glamp Site:

https://glampinghub.com/unitedstatesofamerica/pacificwest/california/yuccavalley/yurt-rental-couples-glamping-escapes-yucca-valley-california/

Social Mania

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 1-20-2022

This blog is about social media and how it impacts our social lives and our mental health. Sorry, I just found that title to be somewhat appropriate and more of an attention grabber. I don’t consider social media to be simply a ‘tool’. It’s deeper than that, it is a significant part of the majority of our social lives. Does it come up in my sessions? Absolutely! There are people with many gripes. I find myself always asking clients now: “What are your preferred social media apps?” And if the client feels they may have an addiction, I absolutely want to know that too! Many gripes and questions come up regarding the impact social discussions have on us when we are online, as well as how much this compulsion robs us from our time to do other things during the day. You know, in the ‘real world’ away from the screens.

‘I spent X many hours arguing online with an internet stranger‘ Okay most people do fall into this trap from time to time. Let’s talk about why. First of all, it’s so easy to scroll through and find a post or meme that contradicts our own world view. People are so diverse in upbringings, cultures, religious preferences, political views and so on. It’s too easy to find something you do not agree with. It’s also easier to get ‘triggered’. Meaning it’s easy to experience emotional flair ups while online because there’s trillions of opportunities for people to be assholes, every day, on purpose too. Some people, like me, will say “Try not to take the bait.” Filter, filter, filter, scroll past, filter more, less reacting and practice some self-control. While some people hold the belief that if it’s an important topic, they should speak up and educate. Or speak up and fight, or attack. There’s definitely a balance somewhere in the middle. I say, educate if it seems appropriate and beneficial, and otherwise, stay away from the bait. For the sake of your own mental health too.

‘We were flirting hot and heavy and then they ghosted’ Meeting people, to include potential romantic interests, is getting a lot easier. We have access to billions at our fingertips. It’s also easier to flake out on people too. And it’s easier to see different sides of someone when you have access to their posting history. Even 3-4 years after I broke up with an ex, there were girls in my DM’s asking me about him because they played detective and found out I was one of his exes. Statistically speaking, the more opportunities we have to “put ourselves out there” toward the opposite sex, the more opportunities there are for rejection too. That’s just common sense. But sadly, some people deal with these occupancies so regularly it becomes a part of their story, it becomes personal. But about the ghosts, those are typically attachment avoidant people, or people trying to play the field and just tip their toes in the water. To save ourselves the trouble, we should look at internet ghosts in only one way; “They’re not that into me, and they are too emotionally immature to have that conversation.” The end. And onto the next.

‘They want to do phone calls or text, I prefer DM’s’ If two people have completely different communication styles with their devices, they may never speak again. Most people have a hard time compromising their social messaging preferences. Some would argue that there are almost too many ways to get a hold of someone. But to reframe, there’s so many different ways for us to communicate, why not have a compromise? If one person is comfortable with texting because they are in the middle of something, and another person would prefer to talk on the phone because in the long run, it actually does ‘save time’; why not do audio messaging? That’s just one example, but there’s a million more. Communicating takes work, especially in the world of modern social media, if you aren’t willing to put in the effort, the relationship fades away, despite the worldly access.

‘I have anxiety and depression, but I don’t want to lower my screen time’ Kids, teens and adults alike get a bit upset when I remind them of this. People come to therapy for magical answers, but they often leave with practical strategies. Strategies they already know about but want to skip or conveniently forget. A denial exists within many of us, that we are in fact, responsible for SOME of our suffering. In daily lifestyle choices. When we experience emotional flair ups, it’s quite common to gravitate toward instantly gratifying hobbies, vs the boring/ healthy things that offer long term benefits. A long-term strategy does not ‘fix’ my depression or anxiety ‘right now!’ Social media and other on-screen activities offer fireworks and escapism. Too much of anything causes harm though. From the fear baiting news articles to the sedentary lifestyle that’s involved in most screen activities. We must practice caution. Also, constant escapism is hopefully not the goal, especially if you want a mentally and physically healthier life.

‘No one is ‘too busy’ to text, DM, or call at least sometimes throughout the day…’ Technically this is true, in most cases someone could theoretically call, DM and/ or text you at least a few times a day. But, instead of expecting people to do just that, it would serve us better to recognize that that said person is making the conscious decision to give us the ‘bare minimum’ when it comes to communicating. What are we going to do after we recognize this? Are we going to keep trying to force something that is completely out of our control? That being another human beings’ behaviors. Or will we move on and choose to keep people in our lives that actually give effort while discarding the rest. Let them slip away, stop hanging on. Social media has made it that much harder for people to let people go. We try to grasp them with all tools/ devices just because we can. ‘They should text/ call me _____ many times a day’ is a thought that sets us up for many strained relationships.

‘They never get the Hell off their Phone!’ There are millions of differing opinions on how much is ‘too much’. And even if you have a bunch of people telling you that you are on your phone too much, you can easily think of someone who is on their phone more, making it easier to excuse your own addiction. The truth is, yes, there are quite a few people developing social media addictions. There are also many people who now make their sole income due to social media. With the changes, we must develop new ‘social norms’ and courtesies. For example, I find it very rude to hang out with someone and ‘be on my phone’ instead of present with my friend, and i would expect the same courtesy. But I walk around and see the opposite every day. Groups of people in each other’s presence but tied to their phones. More engaged in the phone social life vs what is right in front of them, humans in the flesh. I guess the answer to this for now is: Find your crowd.

Relapse Safety Planning

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 1-12-2022

“Telling someone what to do is one of the most counterproductive ways to get results’. -EaE

     It’s been a good while since I have written a blog about substance abuse. With a growing number of clients coming to me for either sobriety or harm reduction goals toward their substances, I find it essential to discuss Relapse safety planning. Gone are the days of just telling people ‘Just quit and be sober and happy’. Gone are the days of crossing our fingers and just hoping they will be sober in the blink of an eye. Even in 2008-2014 when I was a mental health receptionist, the substance abuse counselor always reminded us that ‘relapse is inevitable’. So, if relapse is almost always inevitable, why aren’t we talking more about it? It’s quite taboo, and when someone expressed openly that they are on the journey toward ‘sobriety’, though it can result in a lot of optimism and cheers from our peers, it also creates a heavy amount of pressure… to stay sober… forever. And if you can’t stay sober, you may feel shame in that now your peers are counting on you, and you may be less likely to admit your relapses. This is quite dangerous. A mental health provider must remember; never shame a person that is trying to quit, when they admit they relapsed.

      Why is relapsing often more dangerous?

If someone has been sober for some time, there’s a few reason’s a relapse could be very dangerous. 1- They are likely experiencing withdrawal symptoms; both psychological and/ or physical. 2- They miss their ‘vice’ a lot, especially in times of distress. 3- Whatever incident or series of incidents that led to the relapse is, it is likely a high stressor, and causing some serious emotional flair ups. When all of this comes to a head, a person that relapses is in a highly vulnerable state. ‘I miss my drug. I’m sick of not having it. Nothing else makes me feel as good. Nothing else calms me down as much. Fuck it.’ Getting back to a drug is heavily anticipated in this case, and the drug was missed. The drug was being craved for some time. The drug will then get used a bit too heavily. The body has done some withdrawal, but the behavior of the person addicted may be that of a binge due to the cravings. A relapse binge could be very harmful. There are celebrities that have died and/ or almost died due to this very thing. When ‘missing something’ meets emotional desperation, the behavior is no longer that of a logical choice. But rather, a compulsive/ emotional one.

        Building my Safety plan for a Client:

        First things first, 1-What did this drug medicate for you?  Stress? Anger? Anxiety? Depression? Fatigue? Boredom? Loneliness? Etc etc.  2- How much of the drug did you need to medicate/ relieve said symptom?

Patient Example: ‘I drink to medicate my anxiety. It takes me roughly 3-4 drinks to calm the anxiety just enough so that I can socialize.’

Notice that I am first asking ‘how much it takes to medicate!’ (As opposed to getting shit faced) If the drug is about medicating (which to some extent, it always is) then we need to be honest with ourselves and know the minimum amount to ‘medicate’ an emotional flair up.

3- How much of the drug typically results in symptoms that are non-beneficial to you and/ or your loved ones?

Patient Example: Well, I have noticed that typically when I have 5 or 6 drinks, I start to forget what I’m doing, and that’s when I usually get into an argument with my spouse or friend. Then if I get to about 7-8 drinks I might throw up or black out.

*The patient is telling me based off their own history, that the effective dose for self-medicating their anxiety while NOT ‘impairing their daily functioning, is roughly 3-4 drinks MAX.

Question 4- Do you remember why you had some days where you drank 5 or more drinks? What led up to it? Triggers? Emotions? Events? And why did you want more? Even after being medicated just enough?

Common Patient Answers: A- ‘It was fun’.  B- ‘I did feel it start to wear off, and I wanted more drinks so that I could keep that feeling’.  C- ‘People were giving me more, so it was tempting because it was right there.’  D- ‘It wasn’t working the way it used to, I felt I needed more for the same effect’.

Question 5- (Within the Relapse Safety Plan suggestion): So, when or if you do relapse, do you agree to keep it at a 3-4 drink Maximum? Can you do this? You have mentioned you want to quit one day or engage in minimal drinking. But just in case you happen to relapse for whatever reason, I want to make sure you stay safe, safety is the most important thing. If you drink to medicate one day again, that is understandable. I would like to make sure you can, in fact, medicate, while not experiencing some of those consequences you had to deal with in the past.

Confirm & find a plan agreeable & comfortable to the patient: (The patient MUST agree to the plan. If they aren’t comfortable with them, work toward a compromise)

Patients are often very agreeable to their ‘relapse safety plans’. They love the fact that they ‘do not have to feel ashamed’ if they have a relapse. They love that they can tell me about it without fear of ‘reprisal.’ It makes sense to them that there is a certain amount that could help them medicate in emotional turmoil, but also, they know based off a history that ‘too much’ of any drug can result in negative consequences, and that is often NEVER the result they had been looking for. Most patients that have suffered from addiction have stories of regret. Stories that were terrifying, where they took things too far. Some have experienced permanent relationship discord with loved ones as well.

Harm reduction: (When sobriety feels impossible)

If the patient is not ready for attempting sobriety, then harm reduction goals are also very beneficial. Especially when drug withdrawal is harsh. (Alcohol/ Benzos tend to cause severe withdrawal symptoms in particular)

Harm reduction goal examples:  I will go from smoking 10 cigarettes a day to 7-8 cigarettes a day for the next several weeks. Or I will practice purging my video game/ social media/ TV time. Instead of using these screens every single day, I will pick one day a week to purge and do other activities. (Even behaviors can be addicting and cause euphoria, not just substances we put in our bodies)

Replacement Coping:

Again, always remember no sobriety or harm reduction plan works if we do not encourage replacement coping strategies! Gone are the days of “just be sober and then you will figure it out and be happy enough”. That’s BS. Lowering a drug or quitting puts people into a heavily vulnerable state. They will become more emotionally charged, they might experience cravings, when they inevitably get stressed, sad, angry, anxious etc again, they will no longer have their drug. They need other hobbies! Preferably, healthier ones. Preferably balanced days with various activities. The “Rat Park” Cage study initiated by Dr. Bruce Alexander (just google it) showed us that rats in an empty, cold and boring cage all by themselves, with heroine, used the heroine all the time to have some stimulation and fun. They would eventually overdose and die. ☹ They were bored/ sad most likely. Then rats in a fun cage with other rats, with an amusement park of activities to do, took the heroine significantly less. It was available to them just the same. They used it minimally, as they had other ways of coping; rides, sex, social time, play etc. This shows our social environment is very important to whether or not we continue to abuse drugs too. Hopefully, we are also around good homes, good people, good work environments, etc.

Glamp Happy

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 1-6-2023

After spending many years toward a mental health career as well as fulfilling my dream to publish, I found myself asking “what’s next?” Well, real estate technically. That’s the one other major goal I have had. As in purchase real estate and perhaps work to rent out properties. But, due to the recession, I had to start simple. And that’s how I ended up creating a Glamping site with my incredible partner. We’re still very new to hosting, it has been quite the experience. Like anything else, I can see all the hiccups where many people might consider quitting. But like every other thing that’s hard, it’s also equally satisfying and rewarding.

The two major benefits of glamping on our site is we are under 15 minutes from Joshua tree National park (in the top ten of “most visited national parks” in the country right now.) And also, we offer more amenities Vs many of the other glamping sites in general. This includes: a walking trail, rock wall, fire pits, BBQ grill, hammocks, pool (during spring & summer), a gym shed, hot stove in the tent, & mini fridge. We also have no issues with pets!

Below are some pics of the Mojave Mesa Pyramid: (and to book your stay scroll to the bottom for the links!)

The platform was created with recycled Pallet wood and plywood
You can park right at the tent 🏕 and all the outdoor lighting has solar panels
The lights inside the tent are rechargeable and offer many colors options. All rocks are native to the Mojave desert area near our home
Imagine sketching that sunset! 🌄
A night time view while I was walking around the yard track, which is also lined with solar lights! So technically you can night time walk.
The compost toilet uses a flushing system. This is the inside of the outhouse …
Along with this amazing shower sitting on natural rocks that lead to a trench dug outside. And we do offer hot water! The window is a nice touch too and we recently added a handicap chair.
And here is the inside of our lovely Pyramid Yurt Glamping tent! 🏕
Carpeting for comfort & everything you need to make coffee in the bin! There’s plenty of outlet plugins too.
Another angle so you can see the wood stove! And there’s trunk space in the back for storage.
The rock Wall was built on the back of the shed closest to the tent! Some of the holders are made of wood & actual rock ✅
Our gorgeous walking trail with plenty of Mountain View’s
And you can relax at the fire pit or play Corn hole if you’re bored!
The Gym Shed! And a wonderful touch for all you Cobra Kai fans!
To book your stay click on either link below! We are on Glamping Hub (with a five star review) and Hipcamp!

https://www.hipcamp.com/california/mojave-mesa-pyramid/pyramid-yurt-tent-unfurled

https://glampinghub.com/unitedstatesofamerica/pacificwest/california/yuccavalley/yurt-rental-couples-glamping-escapes-yucca-valley-california/

Emotional Interpretation & Guidance

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-28-2022

In many cases, I do find that I need to go ‘back to the basics’ with clients. Or, teach them something new, something they should have known but never knew. The common perception many societies have is that there are ‘good emotions’, and ‘bad emotions’. The good ones you can showcase and be proud of, the bad ones you must hide, bottle up, escape from, get rid of and/ or deny completely, even to yourself. Why do we teach each other to do this? Mostly because the quote on quote ‘bad emotions’; shame, guilt, grief, sadness, anger, desperation, hysterics, shock etc are both uncomfortable for the individual, and uncomfortable for their friend/ family member/ or partner to witness. So in turn, we resort to deflection and bad teachings on how to manage these emotions.

IF we treat an emotion like a physical wound, we would interpret the damage and find the treatment for it. This starts with recognizing that each emotion actually has a purpose. Yes, even the uncomfortable ones.

The purpose(s) of:

Anxiety- This emotion often tells us that our environment is over stimulating or threatening and we must go elsewhere. This emotion can also tell us that we have a deep problem that we need to resolve and find solutions for, otherwise relaxation is impossible. This emotion can come up when we are doing something new and we do not feel confident in our abilities to handle it just yet.

Anger- Anger tells us the threat around us is significant enough that we may need to fight it, either verbally or physically. Anger tells us when someone or something is a threat to our peace/ equilibrium. Anger gives us the ability to create space & boundaries when/ if we decide to use it productively.

Sadness- This emotion often tells us that we need to hunt for endorphins and joy. We may need a change of scenery, we may need to task switch, we may need to move our body or get more sunlight. We may need a random adventure. We may need to get away from emotional vampires that are sucking our energy.

Shame- Shame tells us that we may have regret and/ or guilt. This is an emotion that can humble us and guide us to do better in our future. This emotion can lead us to lessons learned, and without it, could imply a sociopathic mind.

Shock- Shock means the situation feels like it is too much to handle. And in turn, we may need to get to safety quickly. We also likely need a grace period to handle this emotion and allow it to settle, it will take some time. After shock and other emotions wear off, there is also typically a learning experience in the aftermath

Rage- Rage is an accumulation of betrayal, hurt and anger built up over a period of time. Rage can cause compulsions to act before thinking. If used effectively, we recognize that rage is telling us that we need some major life changes, to include many of the people we surround ourselves with.

Grief- Grief is sometimes described as the absence of those we loved. Since grief is one of the most complex emotions of all, I describe it more by telling clients what it IS NOT. Grief has no timelines, grief has no real rules, the ‘stages of grief’ can come in any order and some stages never happen. Grief has no magical pill or treatment plan. Grief IS both painful and normal. Post grief behaviors are a large variety and range, and often judged, but rarely should be judged.

Interpret, then act accordingly

After we begin to interpret emotions in a healthy way, we can then act accordingly. I will show you unhealthy examples of how to interpret and handle emotions vs some healthier examples. Again, the emotions are not inherantly bad, it’s what we do with them or refuse to do with them.

Sadness Unhealthy example: A person hates the feeling of sadness and hates for people to know they are sad so much that they act happy always, use humor even when hurtful to others, and abuse a drug regularly to escape sadness.

Sadness healthy example: A person feels sad and starts to go for a walk, takes the time to stretch outside under the sunlight, then goes inside and watches a funny show or does some reading or journaling.

Anger unhealthy example: A person channels their anger into arguments, and if someone does not agree with them, they argue more. They are also throwing things when it does not go their way.

Anger healthy example: A person starts to feel anger and practices deep breathing, time outs from the anger trigger source, and resorts to a physical activity that can help channel their anger into something productive that helps their body and get’s them away from the anger trigger.

Grief unhealthy example: After they lose someone, they shut everyone out while also pretending nothing happened in their life. They get into an obsessive ritual to distract themselves from the sadness that accompanies their loss.

Grief healthy example: They allow whatever emotions come up, they share it with trusted friends or family, they take some time off from work or other projects, they also continue to practice their own personal self care and give themselves a grace period.

Anxiety unhealthy example: They stop taking risks, or they procrastinate completely when the feeling is too overwhelming. They get increasingly irritable and overstimulated without practicing boundaries, and may go into full blown isolation or agoraphobia.

Anxiety healthy example: They problem solve, they work out plans B’s through Z’s of what to do ‘if the worse case scenerio happens’, they practice small goal setting and completing objectives toward those goals to boost their confidence and alleviate their personal uncertainties, insecurities and concerns.

Does it ever go away?

Sometimes emotions can get so extreme if our biology, psychology or social environment get’s haywired, hijacked or toxic. And sometimes emotions linger for an extended period of time; more than we would like. Sometimes we get full blown mental health disorders, yes. The question is often: ‘Do these things ever go away?’ Can emotions ever go away? absolutely not, again, they have purpose therefore we must welcome them with purpose. Is it normal to wish them away? Of course! Are we setting ourselves up for dissapointment if we keep trying to will them away? Yes. I advise people, after trust is gained, to stop ‘cure hunting’, and start interpreting and learning emotional & symptom maintenance. Our energy is better off being spent on something practical, not something that is techically impossible. I can try to wish I will never experience depression again, but I know that is not realistic. I will likely have another depressive flair up, another anxiety attack, another loss w/ grief, another shame episode, another rage episode etc etc before I die.

The Red Flags I Ignored

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-08-2022

“Walking away is so underrated. You need to be able to protect your energy.” -EaE

We talk about red flags all of the time, sometimes people do mention legitimate red flags. Some people call everything a red flag. There is a part of this that is up to interpretation and perception. Also, there is also an excuse for just about every red flag we see, which could lead us to defend a person’s behaviors; very tempting if we are ‘in love’ with them. Did I ignore red flags before? Absolutely, you could even call me the queen of ignoring red flags. Many people tried to shame me after toxic friendships and relationships. “You are a therapist, you should know better”. On the contrary. Therapists see and hnear the worst of the worst, so our vision of what is ‘bad’ can become skewed. Plus we are trained to foster empathy and find reasons behind all madness that we see. Guess what? Many people take advantage of a therapists heart and empathy. Overall, I want to warn everyone about red flags. Men, women and/ or They’s. Pay attention! One of the main reason’s we may ignore red flags is due to our own personal insecurities and blind spots. You will read this through some of my foolish experiences.

He always pressured me to lose weight– If someone is pressuring you to lose weight, it’s simply not going to work out. Don’t even bother. Yes sure you can go ahead and try to destroy your body to please someone else, but you are going to find you are in a never ending losing battle. This went as far as me being punished for when I gained weight (withholding intimacy) and then being very rewarded if I lost weight as a ‘positive reinforcement’. The best part? When I lost so much weight to a point he was almost finally satsified… but then he didn’t like that I lost my womenly features and suggested I get butt and boob implants. I was restricting to 900-1000 calories a day just to get treated like this.

He lied about everything– I dated a pathological liar. The lies included but were not limited to: “I have a 10K savings bond” while he was jobless, “I quit the job” even when he got fired. “I served in the military”, eventually he admitted he didn’t after I called him out on his lack of military knowledge. “My baby Mom’s chased me away”, even though he chose to leave every situation. After the relationship ended I was informed by multiple friends that he claimed “he paid for everything when we dated”, and that I can assure you is the BIGGEST lie yet. I paid for at least 4/5’s of our shared expenses I would estimate. This included his portion of rent when he could not handle it, baby clothes, daipers and formula for his child, all expenses on my car which he used more than I did. I also funded his start up Repair business. A tip about how to spot a liar: If they have to think too hard for answers to simple questions about their life, they are searching to keep up with their lies. Truth is easy to remember.

They rushed me during intimacy– This issue has happened more than once. Sadly but not surprisingly. If anyone is rushing you during sex or getting mad at your inability to get pleased by them, don’t feel guilty! This is a THEM problem. Obviously they are unskilled and egotistical about it. A descent person that cares will slow down and figure it out with you. A selfish person will be perfectly content with achieving their ‘O’ and then leaving you in the dust. No exceptions!

She always needed money, alcohol or a favor– Have you ever had a friend that constantly required favors? Once upon a time maybe it was a collaborative friendship and slowly but surely turns into a situation where they need you for everything and your needs are put on the back burner? I found myself in this situation recently. Honestly it was the hardest break up of my life even though it was not intimate, but platonic. It was the time invested that made it so hard to leave. But I found myself either angry, anxious or sad around this person. Angry with being used and treated poorly while being used, anxious about ‘what’s the next favor going to be?’ and sad because there was no more joy in the time together. And FYI; funding someone’s alcohol habit is called Enabling!

She got drunk and hugged all over my boyfriend– One of my old close friends (at the time) loved spending more time with my BF (now an ex) than her own boyfriend. I was suspicious for a good while but I really tried to give both my BF and BFF the benefit of the doubt at the time. Surely they were too ‘good of people’ to hurt me like that right? Wrong. My first true hint was her getting wasted at his Bday and hugging all over him and telling him ‘I love you’ right in front of my face. Loyalty is so rare, don’t ever believe you are entitled to it. Don’t assume other’s have the same amount of loyalty as you do. This was a huge lesson of learning I was with the wrong crowd, and it would take many more years of bad crowds before I gave up. Sadly, right now I have no crowd. But the good thing is I have a clean slate, and I am being picky about who I let in.

He had a wife but they were ‘seperated’– Anytime someone tells you they are still married but ‘seperated’, just forget about it. This is such an old school lie and yet we all keep falling for it. Adam Levine’s mistress supposedly fell for it. The truth of the matter is, whether they are happily married or miserably married, they are still attached. Live in situations or ‘pending divorce paperwork’, either way, it’s so much damn baggage. And you as the ‘side person’ will get dragged through the mud and discarded the moment they decide “we are going to try to work this out after all!” And, even if they do divorce, they are fresh off of a messy legal break up. They will likely project their anguish onto you.

They ghosted and came back, and ghosted and came back– I believe everyone knows my stance on this by now. Whether it be ghosting or ghost teleporting, these are people that are not capable of having responsible adult conversations. Ghosting is often a sign of attachment avoidance, or someone that is trying to ‘groom and train’ you to be what they need you to be. So if they only want sex from you one time a month with no convo, they are trying to train you to be okay with that. If they decide to prioritize other people and put you on the back burner, but then go back to you when nothing else worked out, that could also explain a ghost teleport. Whatever the reason, if you want to be someone’s priority, you are not when you are being ghosted. I used to have severe attachment anxiety; ghosting triggered me, left me insecure and wondering ‘what did I do wrong?’ Last year when I was doing the dating app, I had a very strict ‘no second chances’ rule on Ghosters. It truly weeds out the mind games!

They tried to tell me what to do upon meeting me- If someone is already trying to tell you what to do, how to behave, or what to think early on, that’s a definite sign to run. This person wants control. Healthy relationships cannot be fostered if one person is unhappy with how the other person is. Just let them know “I don’t think we are each other’s type” and move on. Trying to become a chameleon and force yourself to shift personalities to appease someone is not worth it. Forget how HOT they are or whatever, looks fade. You could be headed toward a world of hurt.

Cliche & Wrong

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 12-1-2022

Some sayings and expressions are just NOT helpful to our situation. It’s those types of things people say over and over again because it’s ‘supposed to help’ but it never does, and the more you hear it the more you realize how far off some people are in terms of life experience and mental health. It isn’t that advice never applies, it’s that certain advice only works for certain people, or perhaps its just not helpful to anyone at all. Let’s go over some of those overused lines that are unhelpful, triggering or outdated.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger– This is typically used when we are going through hardships whether it be mentally or physically difficult obstacles. Not everything that’s hard is beneficial, and not everything that is beneficial is necessarily taxing on us. For example, I would not tell someone that just got molested by a neighbor of family member a line like this. I would not want to imply that their sexual assault has ‘made them stronger’. Can you imagine?? I wouldn’t want to tell someone with a chronic pain condition like MS or fibromyalgia this either. Because the truth be told is that they are suffering more than I am. (As I do not have a chronic pain condition) That really sucks for them. And it’s wearing them down, not making them stronger. This line is often simplistic and it lacks empathy.

You know what you signed up for– This line is NEVER true. You don’t know what you sign up for until after you sign up for it and you actually get real life experience doing said activity. Whether it be enlisting in the military, enrolling in a degree plan in college, applying for a specific job, making the choice to start a family; children. This is often a line people use to imply that someone ‘should stop complaining’. Everything that we do can get hard sometimes, it’s human nature to want an emotional outlet. Sometimes this includes venting. If you are not a good listener, just say so.

Other people have it worse– Since when does the knowledge of ‘other people have it worse’ ever help alleviate someones in the moment suffering? It does not, it will never. Stress and suffering is not up to perception, it’s a feeling that an individual experiences in their own being. You cannot cancel it out with words, or even facts. Often, it is fleeting, like all other emotions. But this line has never helped any suffering being in the history of humanity. It’s a fact of life some people have it worse, and some people have it better. It’s irrelevant to a person’s suffering in their unique moment of suffering. They may need solutions, or validation, or time, or pursuit of joy. But, they do not need this cliche line.

They’re just doing it for attention– Here’s an important fact of life to remember, we humans are NOT mind readers. We will not know whether someone is ‘doing it for attention & manipulation alone’ or if it’s what we call ‘ a true cry for help’. But guess what? It really should not matter regardless. Maybe someone is suffering and doing something for attention. And? Don’t you think maybe we need to pay attention then? If they are making cries for help? Here’s the important take away, if you can give them the attention they do require, please do. If you cannot and you’re just going to invalidate them and make them feel worse, then don’t bother talking to them and refer them to someone that actually cares and is willing to listen.

You can do anything you set your mind to– This line is both unrealistic and sets many people up for failure. This line reaks of expectation management issues. Manifesting a dream is only step one, it takes a lot of behavioral modification and work in order to see something through. Even then, there are no guarantees. We need to talk about failure just as much as we talk about accomplishing our dreams. Why? Well failure is actually more common than accomplishments. Lessons. Mistakes. Dreams slipping away… and grief because maybe things did not go as planned (They rarely do). What happens to a kid or young adult that does not do everything they set their mind and intentions to do? They may see themselves as a failure vs a normal human that is making mistakes and learning through the process of elimination.

Be Strong– ‘Be strong’ is not advice. If someone is having difficulty coping, they need coping outlets. Not one liners. Also, some situations really do suck and only time can help take care of it. Some emotions and symptoms take a while to pass; hours to days. Some people even have horrible months or years. It’s what’s happening inside us and what is happening to us. We’re complex. Mental illness does not mean ‘weak’, and being fortunate enough to be mentally healthy does not equate to ‘strength’. It’s quite opposite. Sufferers of physical and mental ailments are typically ‘stronger’, they are suffering through more day to day, and they are still here.

My Life is GREAT, and I’m Depressed

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11-25-2022

“I find myself grieving everything before it’s gone, because I just know, that it will not last forever.” -EaE

There is a part of mental illness that is purely biological. And also, a part of mental illness that exists due to long sustaining injuries that have hit our brain, and failed to let up regardless of all attempts at healing. It’s the very nature of how someone can have ‘everything’ they ever thought they wanted/ needed, and still suffer from depression and/ or various other mental illnesses. How a person can be rich and famous, but then commit suicide. How a person can be in a safe home, safe community and surrounded by safe people, but still experience panic attacks. How a person can block out everyone that hurt them, but still have simmering rage that leads to anger outbursts.

I DO have a great life right now. And not because I always had a great life, but because I learned how to build a great life for myself through persistence, trial & error and a LOTTTTT of pain in my past. I have a great life, but I have major depression. I wake up sad and irritable almost every day. But now, I no longer question why. I already know. On one hand, mental illness runs on both sides of my family, and two, I sustained mental wounds from a very early age. It really does start with traumatic grief. I lost significant people at a young age, I underwent trauma young too. My brain decided a long time ago, that a part of it no longer wants to be here. But I also have a part of my brain that learned to be a fighter from a young age; this saves me day to day.

Mental Illness leads to Guilt

Mental illness already sucks, but one key thing I’ve noticed with the majority of clients I have worked with, is they are suffering for two main reasons. 1- The mental condition they have with all of the symptoms it entails and 2- The guilt they feel about not being able to ‘control’ their illness or find a ‘cure’. How their family persistently get’s upset that they are ‘not enough to snap them out of their depression’. How all the superficial things like gifts, adventures, excitement cannot give their brain the necessary fireworks/ endorphins to sustain happiness for very long. All of this proves over time that we can work to build a seemibly ‘perfect’ life, but we cannot ‘fix a broken brain’. Also, healing is not about what we can accomplish or attain. Healing, like mental wounds, is also invisible and very hard to decipher or gauge.

Healing Requires ‘Toxic’ Withdrawal symptoms

Since I have been focused more on healing now than any other time in my life (roughly almost 2 years) I have noticed and tuned into something very key. If we go from a toxic life, to a very peaceful and calm one, we will experience withdrawal side effects. Much like an addict that is trying to quit their drug of choice. Think about it, a toxic life leads people to go from extreme highs to extreme lows, and cycling through this over and over. A calm life is far from that lifestyle. A calm life is steady, peaceful, predictable. Your healing, on eggshells, waiting for the next high or low, but, it does not come. Why? You decided you wanted peace. You decided no more toxic intimate partners, no more toxic friendships, no more toxic choices that put you through episodes of panic. This is it. You are healing, TRUST IT.

Stop Making up Rules about how you are supposed to feel

With all of this being said, remember that ‘There is NO such thing is How you’re SUPPOSED to feel’ on any given day, and about any given situation. Those rules are all fabricated. If someone tells you ‘cheer up, it’s the Holidays’, they arent’ making any sense. If a stable home & having marriage and kids definitely equated to happiness, then why are divorces on the rise? We can’t buy our way out of depression. We cannot pay our way into permanent happiness. Stop trying, and stop making up rules about how you are supposed to feel, and hopefully then you can stop feeling guilty about an illness that is not always in your control. Being born was not a choice that you got to make for yourself, nor who birthed you, nor who influenced you. As an adult, we do get to start making our own decisions, but will we make the right ones? That’s anyone guess. We are still, after all, often guided by old survival programs.

“The Pursuit of Healthiness“

The pursuit of happiness is said to be overated these days. I say, pursuit healthy. What’s good for you? Your body, mind and spirit. Feed yourself the things that are known and proven to nurture your body, mind and spirit. Maybe it’s being single for a while vs being with, yet another, toxic intimate partner. Maybe it’s choosing that job that pays a little less because ultimately it will stress you out way less. Maybe it’s taking a step away from social media because you have been way too overstimulated and you need your mind to have some peace and quiet. Maybe, it’s deciding one baby is enough, you don’t need a surplus just because society said so. Maybe, it’s going on that trip to that destination you have been dying to see, but no one wanted to go with you so you decided to say ‘fuck it, i’m going anyways’. There comes a point where hopefully we step away from those fabric human made rules and we get on board with letting our intuition guide us toward a life that is more suitable for our health and our mood.

The Art of Doing Less

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 11-9-2022

“And what is going to happen? When it is all said and done? Everything is gone now, and you forgot yourself…” EaE

Example A- He was an older adult male, in his early sixties. He already had been diagnosed with a heart arythmia, and he was getting regular panic attacks. Despite both the heart condition and anxiety hinting and begging him to slow down, he continued to cave and dive into his work addiction and compulsions. He loaded himself up with projects and a continued upward trajectory of a stressful and anxiety provoking daily life. It also did not help that the military indoctrinated him into a self sacrificing ‘The mission comes first at all costs mentality’.

Example B- She had traits of OCD. Everything had to be in it’s proper place, everything had to be clean ALL THE TIME, or else her body went into panic mode. Then, she had a newborn, and despite her best efforts, nothing stayed clean, regardless of how hard she tried. Everyday she panicked and dealt with increased irritability as she tried to outclean her child and spouse when he came back from work. Then commenced, more marital strain.

Example C- Her kids were finally grown, her nest was empty. She also recently retired. Lonliness, a lost sense of purpose, identity crisis all on the rise. Who the hell was she now? She felt empty and lost without all that distracted her before.

Example D- 2 Jobs, two kids, two different marriages all back to back. Stress, anger and resentment were building up. He was doing everything, he was always trying his best to exhaustion, and yet, he was ‘always falling short’. The harder he tried, the more his family butted heads with him. The more he gave advice and reasonable instructions, the more they did the opposite. Everyone drifted a part. Then he found himself doing almost everything on his own, there was no more teamwork in his family.

Before I address thoughts and behaviors with people that are prone to OCD, anxiety, perfectionism, work addiction and/ or burnout, I start by painting a scenerio to help me explore their emotions. The scenerio: “So Imagine I walk into your home, and let’s say I eat and leave the dishes in the sink. Then I move to your clothing drawer and I start taking the clothes out and throwing them on your furniture. And what If I leave some clutter on your coffee table and don’t throw it away? How will you feel? And, what are you going to do?

Naturally the common answers I hear are things like “I would punch you”, or “I would yell”, or “I would have to clean it right away”, “You are no longer allowed in my house…” etc etc. So everything often adds up to the fact that I can easily control their emotions and behaviors. My next question is “Why?” (I can ‘why’ people to death by the way.) “Why must the dishes be done immediately?” “Why can’t there be a wrapper on the table?” “Why can’t the laundry not be folded this time around?” “Why must you do everything right away even when you’re exhausted?” “Why clean up after that person if they made the mess?”

Now we dive into thoughts that were often ingrained due to survival programming and some common values & principles. Common answers include anxious and obligatory thought patterns that start with statements like “Have to”, “I must”, “I should”, “I need to”, “I don’t have a choice”. And common values/ principles may include growing up in a home where everything was expected to be clean & orderly otherwise there was severe punishment. Or growing up in a world where expectations were plentiful, and the human need of ‘time off’, and ‘breaks’ was not up for discussion. And lastly, there is also the concept of avoidance. A full plate or workload can distract us from…. X,y,Z. “When I clean or dive heavily into a project, I’m finally not obsessing or ruminating over x,y,z.”

The ART OF DOING LESS is 4-fold. Which is why telling someone to simply ‘slow down, and take a break’, is NOT going to cut it. First, we address the behavior, then we address the cognitive piece, then we must address those that are panicked or angry as they learn to get conditioned to the new ‘us’; they are only conditioned & accustomed to the old ‘us’. Lastly, we must accept our new identity, as we have changed.

Behavioral: The behavioral aspect is actually the simplest part. Doing less can look like taking a day off. It can look like study breaks every 30 minutes. It can look like stepping away from your work desk and walking outside for a breather. It can look like hiding from your family in the bathroom and taking a longer than usual shower. But what happens? Less is done, and then commences our thought patterns.

Cognitive: The anxious & obligatory thoughts commence. ‘Should/ must’ thought patterns. Also, aggravation if no one else is helping… as usual. Aggravation at yourself if you ‘are not doing what you are supposed to’. Panic, or at the very least, discomfort sets into the mind and body. Then comes, the compulsion to get up and do what you always do. You cave, you don’t allow yourself rest. You clean up after the house slob, yet again. Your body is tired, yet you continue to push. You might even be half assing this project, because you do not have it in you to do it 100%. I challenge patients to sit in these thoughts and compulsions for a bit, to do the ever so popular thought reframing/ logging interventions. Counter everything in your belief system. Are the thoughts helpful or not? Are the actions going to be the best for you and everyone else or not? Are you avoiding your thoughts with harmful action? Are you enabling others by stepping up, yet again? Do you get some sense of accomplishment from being the ‘I Do everything’ person all the time?

Conditioning: Overtime, if people continue behaviorally doing less, and challenging their mind to ease their compulsions to go back to the norm, there are two types of conditioning taking place simultaneously. Self conditioning, and Other-people conditioning. Change takes time, change must be reinforced until it feels like habit. Other-people conditioning is very tricky too. Some people highly benefitted from your anxiety, OCD, and heigtened sense of obligation. They might even resent your newer ‘healthy’ changes. Ultimately, if they refuse to allow themselves to condition to the new you, it could be time to let them go. While others may show resistence, but ultimately adapt. These adaptations can actuallly be quite positive, but in disguise. The lazy room mate or child can then stop being enabled and learn to clean up after themselves. The lazy coworker can finally get things delegated to them and learn to be a team player.

Identity: So the change has taken place, it is now a new habit, people have adapted, and so have you… to some extent. but who are you now? How does it feel? To no longer be the ‘cleaner & organizer?’ Or the ‘Mr or Mrs. Fix it all the time”. How does it feel to let go and stop trying to help people help themselves, and watch them as they fall flat on their faces? How is it? Sitting in only a ‘semi clean’ place vs “hospital clean’? Who are you now? Can you embrace being more ‘human’? Human in the sense that perfection is no longer something you must attain. Maybe even grief due to the fact that you miss that old you.. those old habits. Those old ingrained survival programs? Those old compliments people gave you because your demise led to their luxurious lazy lifestyle….

Let it all set in. Embrace it, even the discomfort. Don’t run, don’t hide, don’t deny it. Don’t kid yourself, you were not happy with it. If you were completely happy with it, why are you at the end of this article trying to learn to slow down? The ART of doing less is, in fact, 4 Fold. Good luck to those that needed to read this.

BOO!!! (Trigger ⚠️ Warning)

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10/31/2022

For Halloween I am going to talk to you about some of the scariest moments of my life. I’m hoping that this can serve as both an outlet for myself as well as some teaching moments for anyone that can relate. Some of these traumas are going to be serious and triggering, but I can assure you that I am absolutely more ‘okay’ than I have been in a long time. Life get’s scary, but I am happy that it get’s balanced out with joy. We are lucky that scary and suffering are fleeting. But, trauma does live with us forever, we must manage it daily. The road to recovery is not someting to take lightly.

MY SCARY Moments:

My Mother used to leave me alone with strangers: My mother was addicted to both Alcohol and Methamphetamine. For years, my memories of her were often long drawn out comas where myself and my older brother had to ‘fend for ourselves’. We fed ourselves, we sought out neighbors that had food. We were very much alone. Cosurvivors. In the three years of our mother having custody, we collectively remember at least 12 different homes. She only stuck around when it was a boyfriends home, but she did not always supervise. Without going into too many details, we (My brother and I) were exposed to traumatizing things. I was physically abused by one of my mother’s boyfriends, I also witnessed molestation. I saw porn too young, I saw people getting intimate in the same room… again, I was way too young. There are accounts from some of my family members on my mothers side where they were afraid for me; they saw me with many daiper rashes, & head lice. I did not receive formal education until I was six and I was behind on reading. My teeth were so rotted by the time I was rescued and brought to my grandmothers, that I required 5 caps… on my baby teeth. I have been terrified of the dentist ever since.

My Brother Attempted Suicide: Yes, the same brother that endured neglect and abandonment & abuse with me developed mental health issues. He reported our bio mother hit him a lot, she never did hit me. This could make all the difference. My rage was implosive vs explosive. I feared my brother for years, his anger got the best of him and he took quite a bit out on me. But I also learned to be a fighter very early on. Unfortunately some of our fights escalated to some very toxic levels. We both had suicidal gestures in our preteen to teen years. We both threatened suicide toward each other. But nothing compares to the scare of almost losing him, when he almost did end his life as a young adult; with alcohol and pills. I am so damn proud of him for making it through everything. Now he is in a happy marriage and has a job he enjoys. He also gave me a beautiful niece and nephew.

I Endured Bootcamp: Bootcamp was stressful and scary! But oddly enough it’s quite comical to think about now. I left my hometown eager to ‘never return’, only to be crying on my first night of bootcamp and thinking to myself ‘maybe my parents weren’t so bad after alll…..’ (My Dad and stepmother). I really had a disdain for my parents at the time, but they taught me to endure everything I had ahead of me. Growing up in a bootcamp type of household can absolutely prepare you for Bootcamp. My father was a marine after all. Bootcamp involves sleep deprivation, starvation, a gas chamber (tear gas), shooting guns, getting verbally abused every single day, getting physically tested to your limits. I remember being put on my face so much during 120 degree weather on asphalt, my hand skin started to burn and peel off. I was threatened to be ‘fired’ from the Air Force and shipped home. (That’s just a mental game they play, but it feels so real in the moment) My whole life flashed before my eyes as I feared the ‘failure’ of returning home with nothing accomplished. But, I DID get through it.

I deployed to a Combat Zone; Afghanistan: My Dad told me many times that Bootcamp has to be HARD, because they are preparing you for WAR. He was right. War is scary. The intrusive memory of walking off of a C-130 with my Ruck sack and stepping onto Afghanistan soil is permanently etched into my memory. What can I say other than we never forget war? I won’t forget my base getting bombed, I won’t forget my combat stress team and I losing a patient to suicide, I won’t forget indirect fire from enemy combatants. I won’t forget seeing the man on a stretcher that died from a mortar attack. I won’t forget when Afghan locals stared at me eerily (while also armed), as they had never seen females with uncovered faces until they worked on a U.S. Military base. I won’t forget dozens and dozens of helicopter rides over combat soil, with the anxiety of knowing Helos get shot down all the time; just 1 week before my first travel, a marine was shot in the neck while midst Helo ride. It was six straight months of off the wall scary things, but we don’t talk about it.

I was a Social worker in Brooklyn during the COVID Pandemic: I was able to go into the pandemic calmly, a war zone prepares you for everything. But my hopelessness and helplessness feelings were exacerbated for the next year or so. I also remember a lot of anger. First off, in NYC, you are going to get COVID. There was never any doubt in my mind that I was destined to get it, and I did. Twice. Taking care of patients through the pandemic; that was the real nightmare. Imagine countless hours, anywhere from 6-8 hours a day of listening to people while their mental and physical health deteriorates freak out and talk about Covid and Trump. All day, everyday, for 1.5 years. In your ear, on the phone, while construction and Demo are going on all around you. I started developing severe migraines. One of my patients died, pnemenia or covid? Or perhaps both. I developed covid symptoms and took time off, I never did get tested. Why not? The hospitals in NYC were so overpacked, I refused to be a part of that problem, since I was young ish and healthy. Also, being a social worker meant helping people through the terror of facing job loss, financial crisis, homelessness and a rise in domestic violence.

I survived Domestic Violence: My Ex fiancé (I’m ashamed to even call him that) took me through the worst three years of my life. I would say 80 percent of that relationship was misery. From experiencing an extreme amount of verbal abuse (he name called, blamed, manipulated), to constantly feeling confused due to his compulsion to pathologically lie. Anyone that has lived with a pathological liar can attest to this: they make you feel insane. You question your reality, also because they will gaslight you on the regular. He had very creative ways to use me, he found my vulnerabilities and exploited them to his advantage. Such as triggering my savior complex. He was even physically abusive a few times (shoved me to the ground, threw things at me). He decided to end the relationship with a beautiful cherry on top: left me for our Martial arts Trng partner (who was also ten years younger than us). He wanted me to stay in NYC & still be in a “casual relationship with him”, I took off back to CA and blocked him. Best decision I ever made.

I experienced a Drug Induced Psychotic Episode: I wont say when, or the exact name of what I took. (As not to incriminate myself) But I will discuss what happened because it’s important to educate the public; I have taken several different drugs to self medicate. And most of the time, nothing awful happened. But, when you take something in a time of mental crisis, that is when you are likely to go too far. I experienced a psychotic break that many refer to as “ego death”. I lost my orientation to who I was, where I was, what time era I was in and more. There was both hallucinations and delusions. I also experienced intrusive suicidal thought, while also fearing death; it was back-and-forth between the two. I am definitely abstinent from this particular substance. No matter what you plan on trying, please please please discuss with a Doctor! (I’ve also sought out substance abuse treatment and I’m not afraid to admit it)