Apologize to yourself

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-18-2021

“Get used to a world where no one belongs to you, and no one cares all the way. Live in that truth, accept that truth, and learn to be your own savior.” -EaE

I recently felt a dire need to apologize to myself. It was what I’ll call my first thirties epiphany breakthrough. I apologized to myself for my lack of self care over the years, my inability to say no when I needed to, constantly ignoring red flags that I should not have and ignoring the pain I felt from Afghanistan for far too long. Ignoring the pain I felt from my childhood trauma for far too long as well.

There are common defense mechanisms that get used especially for those that go through trauma situations in which they cannot “show weakness”. These include intellectualizing, numbing and minimizing our emotional pain so that we can carry on with life, perceivable unaffected by our trauma and grievances. I’ll share a few examples. My base gets bombed in the war zone, my go to intellectualization: “I’m statistically more likely to die in a car accident in the U.S. than here in Afghanistan” as well as “well I heard the bomb so that means I’m still alive.”

Then there’s minimizing: “other people got their limbs blown off, so I’m fine.” Then there’s numbing: During my military duty day I find out via voicemail that my mother died, I listened to the voicemail, closed my phone, put it in my pocket, felt numb and kept working, it would be months before I told any of my coworkers about it.

One thing about these types of defense mechanisms, we use them to appear “strong”, and the other thing about them is they can/ will end up leading to more severe breakdowns later. Even if not an emotional breakdown, most definitely physical ones. Humans have to feel what we feel. There isn’t a potion, pill, defense mechanism, person, or distraction that can stop it. We can morph, transfer or try to compartmentalize if needed, but emotional scars will remain.

So why was I apologizing to myself? Primarily for using these defense mechanisms and not allowing myself the care and attention I needed a long time ago. It led to a lot of mental breakdowns and destruction and quite frankly makes me a bad example of what a leader in the mental health world “should” look like.

However, it does lead to an important lesson for all: we all need to apologize to ourselves for something. Are we doing it? Most likely, not. And when we apologize to ourselves are we doing it with sincerity and the intention of trying to do better next time? To tell myself sorry for the mental pain I ignored means it is vital to recognize how not to let it happen again. No more ignoring red flags, no more ignoring my personal self care, no more putting myself last. These are not just things to promise myself, they are things I must take action on if I want to see true change in my life.

Simple Guide:

⁃ Recognize how or why you have been hurting and your individual contribution to said pain (if any)

⁃ Apologize to yourself for whatever it is you did that was self destructive or harmful in nature

⁃ Take accountability (the change process must start here)

An important question:

“Do you believe you are worthy of pursuing happiness?” Many don’t realize it, but this happens to be a very common roadblock for those that have suffered from trauma, grief and/ or moral injury. Before we can self help and self love, we must first feel worthy of it. If our identity is entrenched in trauma, self destructiveness and shame then we have a large mental battle ahead before we can even see we need to self apologize.

So to go further backwards, before you can apologize to yourself explore why you kept hurting yourself in the first place.:

⁃ Who or what circumstance taught you to self destruct vs self heal?

⁃ Why are you any less worthy than anyone else?

⁃ Are you able to remind yourself you are human and make mistakes?

⁃ Does self destructiveness get you high or make you feel in control?

⁃ Do you believe you deserve better than what is happening to you currently?

⁃ Do you believe in delayed gratification? (Doing things not for short term effect but for long term benefits.)

If you aren’t saying sorry to yourself, you missed something. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Typically we will say sorry to others, but rarely ourselves. Why? We aren’t taught to value our relationship with ourselves. I was 15 years old when an assistant coach for cross country came up to me and said “who’s the most Important person in your life?” I simply said “I don’t know…..” his reply? “It’s you, you are the most important person in your life. You come first.”

That was the first time anyone had told me that, and at the age of 15, I couldn’t even comprehend or wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t even believe in it. Maybe he read my lack of confidence through my aura. Maybe he knew I was in desperate need of self esteem. That was just the first of many times hearing some wisdom that I just wasn’t ready to implement. It would take a lot more damage before my wake up call came.

Conclusion:

Apologize to yourself. There was mistakes made, damage done, feelings neglected at times. No one is immune. It’s also an incredibly hard thing to navigate, self care, in a society where we are taught to follow someone else’s rules for life vs our own rules. The rules and boundaries we create, because they feel right to us, are the most important rules of all. Why? Because at the end of the day, you will get to know yourself better than anyone else. Your voice and self determination will always matter most.

Cool feedback, but, wrong person…

Elisa A Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-10-2021

This topic frequently comes up. All across the world, those that suffer from mental illness get bombarded with “practical” advice that unfortunately cannot help their debilitating chronic symptoms. People may mean well, but if they use these punchlines, they may not understand what suffering with a chronic mental illness entails.

Below I list some very common lines, tips and life advice that are frequently given out by the general public. The lines, along with why it may not help the sufferer of specific mental illnesses.

Why is this so important? There’s a good chance that a person suffering from anxiety, depression, ptsd, adhd, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, personality disorders etc has already been spoon fed these lines their whole life to a point it caused serious frustration and isolation from those around them. Suffering is hard, but when we feel the world around us cannot or will not try to understand, it makes it all the more difficult. Read below for more:

“Be positive”

Some people, quite literally, cannot access positivity. Things that often cause positivity to become inaccessible to the brain include: childhood trauma/ emotional & physical abuse/ exposure to domestic violence/ low self worth/ major depression/ pessimistic modeling.

Therapy, coping, reframing, and self care tactics are often needed before someone can gain self acceptance – the stage before self love. It takes a very healthy amount of self acceptance before someone can start to access positivity. There’s also a biological component! Just how much dopamine and serotonin can our brains actually produce naturally without a drug assisting? It all depends on the individual, their nature and nurture components factoring throughout their lifetime.

“Calorie count! Weigh yourself! Eat less! Workout more! Paleo! No carbs!”

For Eating disordered individuals, Numbers, and forbidden food lists are highly triggering and can often set them back to engaging in destructive eating disordered behaviors. This may include: restricting or upping caloric intake to dangerous levels, constant weighing, excessive exercise, body dysmorphic cognitions, intrusive thoughts of worthlessness, binging/ purging behaviors to “counter balance” where they “failed” in their ‘diet’.

Nutritionists are all over the social media world, and they are delivering very good information across many platforms. The general public tends to share and repeat lifestyle changes and dieting advice. Unbeknownst to many, we are triggering eating disordered individuals. I must emphasize, diet plans and number counting will NEVER work for eating disordered individuals and will often trigger them into more self destructive patterns. An eating disorder requires specialized training/ clinical skills that the average person does not possess.

“Just calm down, relax”

Panic disorders & anxiety/ Obsessive compulsive disorders are mental conditions that are not only in “the mind” but also physiological in nature. The body feels anxiety and panic just as much as the mind does. It’s a vicious cycle and once triggered into panic, can take hours to wind down.

The age old advice or “Calm down” , “chill”, “relax” cannot work because again, the body is also physiologically in panic. These physiological panic symptoms include: rapid heart beat, jitteriness, dilated pupils, difficulty breathing, changes in body temperature etc. These symptoms often require deep breathing, guided imagery, distractor methods and engaging the frontal lobe of the brain to calm the amygdala.

As the body deals with these panic responses, the mind has another battle to endure: the vicious cycle of unhealthy defense mechanisms and cognitions that lead to more anxiety/ panic. Cognitions: “What if?” “This could happen” “this has happened before” “I or we’re doomed”. Defense mechanisms: catastrophizing, magnifying, avoidance. The anxious mind has many barriers and obstacles to counter before it can self sooth/ calm.

“You have to love yourself first”

Complex ptsd in childhood leads to an ill mind that cannot access self love. If love and nurturance are not taught/ modeled by a primary caregiver in childhood, the developing brain will often go the opposite route: toward self destructive tendencies and negative cognitions/ feelings of worthlessness/ overall pessimism. Telling an abused/ abandoned/ neglected/ traumatized child to self love is like telling a fish to breath oxygen.

I will quote the great Dr Bruce Perry (child psychiatrist author of ‘The Boy who was raised as a Dog’) on this topic:

“For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that “unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.”…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation”

Most likely, complex ptsd from childhood cannot access self love and must engage in lengthy therapy to begin the healing process before they can gain the tools necessary to engage in proper self care & healthy coping tools. This takes a lot more time than most would care to admit or want to accept.

“Other people have it worse”

Our mental health / emotional well being does NOT improve with the knowledge that others may have it worse somewhere in the world. This statement has never worked since the beginning of time, yet it’s a familiar go to template for those that are uncomfortable sitting with someone in their misfortunes/ misery. Let’s consider, instead, that grief, sadness, anxiety, anger etc are all emotions that we will have throughout our lifetime, and to negate or cover them up is what truly destroys us.

If we’re reminded (which we already know) that others “have it worse” will it take away our current tragedy? Such as a loss, a trauma, a symptom, a trigger response? NO! When you push this line on a sufferer, you are practically encouraging their silence. You’re pushing them to sweep their crucial emotions post stressor/ trauma/ grief under a rug.

The consequence of disrupting emotional processing leads to a build up of confusion, resentment, psychological numbing, decreased intuition, and rage. The lesson? Let a person hurt when they hurt, where they hurt. It may or may not make sense to you, but a person feels what they feel. Feelings, unlike opinions, cannot be argued or tampered with. They are what they are, and they will always bleed through the rug.

Using your Scars

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-4-2021

“You can heal, but there will always be a scar. And that scar should serve as your lifelong reminder, always. -EaE

You are ignoring many emotional battles and issue’s in your life, there is no doubt about it. I am as well, and we cycle in and out of this throughout our years. If you have ever numbed out, intellectualized, distracted yourself, medicated, avoided something and immersed yourself into the next step while ignoring what clearly destroyed and scarred a part of your heart, soul, mind or physical being, you are doing a disservice to yourself. By ignoring these issue’s, you are not even allowing yourself to scar, you are just bleeding, slowly. Sometimes unbeknownst to yourself. I say it all the time, functional does not mean fine. Forcing yourself to pick up and carry on with an open mental wound leaves us in a state of injury that will prevail and sabotage any amount of happiness we might hope to have.

I must say it time and time again, we cannot ignore mental pain anymore than physical, we must feel it, allow the healing and use our scars as a template of truth. A question I want to pose: Would you rather live in blissful ignorance, or painful truth? As fun as it may sound, blissful ignorance hurts us chronically. We will get complacent, we will ignore our intuition and emotions that tell us something is wrong with this picture. Blissful ignorance will ultimately keep us from exploring ourselves and others. It’s a beautiful and gleaming trap, but it’s an emotional death sentence. To live in painful truth means to be emotionally open to the inevitable pain that we will get subjected to, it’s the ultimate vulnerability. It will make us wonder why the hell we get into what we get into, but it will give us the necessarily scars/ humbling we need to grow wiser and protect ourselves.

Call it an adaptation to chronic neglect, abuse, abandonment and military trauma, but I had developed what I thought was the perfect system to life in my earlier twenties. I was known as a ‘high speed’ troop that had all my shit together. Fast burner (ranked up quick), a smile on my face most days of the week, a ‘stable’ relationship, good college student etc. My routine was to function through all professional development, ignore my chronic depression and traumas, then go home, isolate and eat my feelings away while watching Netflix and crying. This was my normal, and I figured perhaps it was everyone elses too. I didn’t have much of a template to compare this too, as my entire family had been emotionally numbed out. It was a family that lacked emotional expression and focused all conversations on mundane daily life, job prospects, or dissociated completely into a television set. If I did have scars, I wouldn’t have known it. My emotions proved otherwise, but my social conditioning never allowed me to explore this part of myself.

Scars are a favor, rock bottom is a favor. I want to reframe these crucial part of our lives to allow us to see that it is that blessing in disguise that gives us the opportunity to slow down, self reflect, self heal and learn. However, these things only happen if we are truly paying attention and using the scars for what they are meant for: reminders of injury. Every scar has a trail of lesson’s. Ex: My scar on my side reminds me of the apartment where it happened, that apartment reminds me of physical abuse inflicted on me as a 4 year old from my mother’s boyfriend. That memory reminds me of a traumatized parent that was not equipped for parenthood and often highly negligent. This very fact reminds me that I lacked a secure attachment in childhood, which makes me highly aware of my personal abandonment issues. These abandonment issue’s have and will impact relationships, friendships and possible parenthood. One scar, tells me all this.

Though that example originally stemmed from a physical scar, there are many emotional scars attached. Emotional scars are very well hidden and often can only be revealed to us in the form of what we call ‘triggers’. A trigger is what happens to a person when something or someone from their external environment leads them into a state of emotional dysregulation or distress. This is where we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves if we can slow it down and process where/ how/ why it’s happening. Unfortunately when a trigger episode happens, people tend to react. In the therapy room, I encourage people to pause. There is a crucial millisecond between what happens to us and how we react, this is the the second where we must freeze and reflect if we want to learn/ grow. How can we know ourselves truly, if we cannot acknowledge just how much something is hurting us? We can’t!

Exploring your scars/ questions to ask yourself:

-What caused this? Why?

-How did it hurt me?

-What did I learn?

-Did I prevent it from happening again? Or did I get reinjured over and over again?

-Does this emotional injury cause me to lash out in new situations?

-Am I projecting this pain onto others and scarring them too?

-Or am I translating this pain into a healthier direction?

-Can I live with myself while having this scar and recognize that it is NOT the ultimate definition of who I am?

I highly encourage everyone to drop denial from time to time. Drop the projects, drop the distractions, drop the phone, get off the drugs for a second (or learn to take the proper drugs!!), self reflect, put in the work! Because getting to know yourself will be the best thing you ever do. Seeing the scar as a lesson vs something to avoid for eternity will be the best thing you ever do.

Knowing when to Quit

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 2-24-2021

“I can spend year after year building and cementing a life for myself, and in an instant, walk away from it like it never mattered. But it’s because I know how to admit to myself when something isn’t working for me anymore. My life is wherever I want to take it. -EaE

“You have to finish what you start, there is no quitting,” one of the many famous lines my parents loved to lecture. They were applying this concept/ value to school, projects, chores, sports, professional development and so on. They both grew up poor – lower middle class with parents that never had enough money. They grew up seeing the consequences of many mistakes and admitted to the mistakes they had made. I am forever grateful for their wisdom, despite the fact that their endless lectures caused me to dissociate into some pretty deep mental states with no return in sight.

I took the value of ‘not quitting’ with me everywhere I went: the military, martial arts, college, writing, relationships etc. Obviously like any value/ rule that is cemented into our survival program, there are times it is absolutely crucial and effective, and times that it causes us to spiral into a slow/ miserable spirit breaking death. Anywhere from being ‘alive’ but in ‘auto pilot’ where nothing feels worth it anymore, all the way to actual death. Yes, sometimes people should quit, so that they are not led to an early grave. The difficulty is how to gauge when something is NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE.

The quote I wrote in the subheading, I would like to pretend that I lived by this quote. I wanted to believe I did, but I’m only just learning, when to actually pick up and walk away from something. Due to my no quitting ‘survival program’, I was led down some pretty self destructive paths, then forced to pull myself out. Sometimes exes harmed and/ or helped, sometimes sports, sometimes family, and sometimes friends. Sometimes I was alone and needed to make the decision for myself. I learned that I am a repeat offender of pushing myself to the limit, and persisting in something way beyond the expiration date. I suppose I am an expert in this topic because I have been a victim of the toxic ‘no quit attitude’ that some of us carry for far too long. Let’s discuss the benefits as well as the trade offs of the classic NO QUIT ATTITUDE.

The Benefits:

  • Your professional development will be spot on, if you don’t quit and apply yourself you can earn degrees, certs, vocational training experience, OJT etc.
  • People will pretend to love you (and for a while it will feel genuine), you will get along with others because you are a person that works hard and has their shit together.
  • You will get to know yourself better as you tackle, and never give up, on difficult projects.
  • You will sharpen your critical thinking skills because your stubbornness and tenacity will far surpass your fatigue.
  • You will most likely be financial stable, stability often requires that we sell our soul to the capitalistic working devil (I still love capitalism, I can’t help it :))

The Trade off:

  • Your creativity will slowly die along with your dreams. Ambition toward difficult worker tasks can often hinder our time for solitude, creativity, self expression etc.
  • You may lose your sense self & identity. Ex: Am I doing this for me? Or because it’s what’s expected? Or because it’s what I was taught to want?
  • Your free time will be so limited that you will likely experience dozens of burnout episodes throughout your adult life.
  • Your family, friendships and intimate partner time will absolutely suffer, it may cause a build up of resentment from those that care about you.
  • You may regret some of the time wasted doing what ‘you were supposed to not quit’ vs the things you actually/ secretly wanted to do all along.

When to Quit:

I believe one of the hardest things for a human to admit to themselves is when they need to quit doing something. The reality is that the more time we invest in something or someone, the harder it is to let it go. This goes for jobs, relationships, hobbies, sports, friendships and so on. We want to see that our hard work wasn’t ‘in vain’ or a complete ‘waste of time’. We equate staying with something or with someone to the very end as a win, and equate ending something to ‘quitting’ and/ or ‘failure’. The reality is, we fail ourselves when we cannot see that it’s time to stop. We fail ourselves when we stay in something for the sake of staying in something despite the mental/ physical/ spiritual damage it is causing us. It is quite simple and also quite hard: You need to quit when you feel your spirit, mental and physical health dying everyday. Some of the signs of this include depression, substance abuse, emotional disconnect, pessimism, feelings of entrapment, crying spells, anxiety, irritability, isolation and so on.

I tell everyone, especially fellow military members back in the day, “only you can know when you are done. Do not let anyone talk you into anything or out of anything.” You personally know when you are done, when something is not serving you anymore or giving you a sense of meaning and purpose. This requires us to listen to our emotions vs our logic sometimes, which is an ass backwards way of looking at something according to most people in America. The reality is, when the emotions go haywire to the point of severe mental distress or suicidal ideation, it is more important that you quit at whatever it is that is harming you, vs ending your life all together just for the sake of not quitting.

Always a work in progress

Elisa A Escalante/ LCSW / 2-17-2021

Ever notice that we seem to change drastically in 5-7 year increments? At least, I would hope so. It’s the growth process, meets new people, meets new environments, takes on new challenges, gains wisdom and so on. Change means growth, growth means change. It’s also terrifying and painful at times. It’s not always easy or possible to see that there is progress even in the most uncomfortable and tragic things that happen to us.

Many people have this dire mental need to feel secure, to have routine, to have trust with those in their lives, to have a sense of purpose and order in the environment they choose to surround themselves with. However, sometimes that order and routine that we worked so hard to establish gets torn a part and shredded to pieces right before our very eyes. Sometimes, everything we thought we knew is suddenly gone, faster than we could even process it.

Will we have all the answers at any point? I’m afraid most likely…. not. Will we get to a point where it’s all figured out and there is no more growth to be had? Again, I hope not! To go unchanged means to no longer welcome growth and progress. Yet we do tend to shy away from these terrifying progressions. They’re discomforting, there is so much anxiety in the unknown.

If you ever found yourself looking at someone and wondering why they refuse to change. Why do they continue to sabotage? Why do they consistently destroy their lives? Why do they stay living in misery? Because progress, though it sounds ideal, forces us to sit in the unfamiliar. On a deep mental level to our very core, most of us hate unfamiliar. This is why you may notice that a large amount of your progress may not have stemmed from a random epiphany, but rather, a rude awakening that came crashing down and forced you to uproot, break away from others, find a new lifestyle, have to explore a whole new sense of purpose etc.

Will there be progress? Will we be able to see it even if it’s right in front of our faces? Well, it all depends on how we measure progress. In terms of mental progress, there is little that society emphasizes on this subject. We tend to measure progress in money, status, reputation, labels etc. Even if those very things are deteriorating our mental health and leading to a downward spiral, if we see it as progress, we may be failing ourselves.

What does mental progress look like?

⁃ Increasing our personal self care

⁃ Gaining insight into our triggers as well as the most helpful coping mechanisms

⁃ Learning boundaries

⁃ Removing the baggage and toxicity from our lives

⁃ New adventures and exploration

⁃ Building meaningful friendships and tightening the bonds with those that love us and care

⁃ Professional development toward a career or subject matter we are passionate about

⁃ Finding ways to laugh

⁃ Finding our balance in all realms: social, spiritual, physical, mental, professional, relational etc

Sometimes people have incredible mental progressions and do not come close to giving themselves credit for it. Why? They’re hung up in status, financial gain, power and/ or labels. When we are not excelling in one area, it does not mean we aren’t making incredible progression in another. In fact, losing in one area can actually equal some gains in another.

Perspective can be incredibly powerful when people are going through the hardest times of their lives. Don’t cave, don’t fold. Even when all hope is lost, I believe that it is curiosity that often will keep a person going beyond so much pain. What’s next in the journey? Where can we progress next? What can we reach for next? Can we learn ourselves well enough to do it better next time? Happy progression, and always remember it involves some level of mental distress through the journey.

Twenty important lessons I learned as a mental health worker

Elisa A Escalante / LMSW / 2-2-2021

1- Every action, behavior, emotion and thought has a story behind it. No matter how much someone doesn’t make sense, they will always make sense after you hear their story in its entirety

2- we are all entitled to as much pain as we want to handle.

3- motivation to change is the greatest predictor that there will be a change, not the severity of the diagnosis or symptoms.

4- not everyone needs an answer, some just need to be heard with zero judgement, which is a huge rarity in life.

5- High expectations are one of the greatest leading causes of both: failed relationships, and internal distress.

6- no one is entitled to hear another persons truth. A person telling you their truth is always an unearned privilege.

7- we are pleasure seekers in a society that often pressures us to cease in seeking pleasure, resulting in a lot of missed opportunities and despair.

8- The people that suffer the greatest emotional disadvantages in life, are those that did not have at least one consistent loving caregiver in childhood.

9- People will always compare themselves to others, and it will be for one of 4 reasons: a- to justify their actions. B- to self pity because they do not have what another person does. C- to magnify their pain above other people’s pain. D- to minimize their pain due to another’s pain being perceived as greater.

10- There are many different types of relationships in “gray” areas that may forever remain hidden and unexplored. Why? Because they are societally forbidden.

11- The majority of pain will stem from either trauma or grief. And grief comes in many forms to include: loss due to death, loss by abandonment, loss of opportunity, lost time, and a lost sense of purpose.

12- nothing is universal. Not social or cultural norms. Not family, not love, not grieving processes, nor how we display our wide variety of emotions.

13- Our values and morals are never truly set in stone. They can change very drastically, especially when confronted with new environments and situations.

14- Our personal experiences and growth often create our perception of the world, which is why it is so hard for one mind to change another.

15- It is actually very easy for people to Lie, even to themselves… especially to themselves!

16- the reason love is so impossible to define is because we all learn to feel it and show it differently. In most cases, we can’t even describe it or make sense of it.

17- consequences can often motivate change, but not always. because there is deep comfort in the familiar, even if the familiar is chaotic.

18- we can argue logic and judgment, but we cannot argue feelings. Feelings go beyond all rationale. People have a right to their own feelings, whether or not they are accepted by others. Also, feelings cannot always be expressed verbally, because they are so deeply complex that they extend far beyond the capacity of language.

19- There truly are no limits over the choices you make. Only potential consequences, which are enforced by laws and rules, which are man made…never definitive.

20- Happiness is never a guarantee and we do not deserve it. It is not a basic human right. It is simply one of many types of emotions, and when we do feel it, we are lucky to have.

Misfit

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 1-11-2021

     Who are you at the party? Are you the life of the party, everyone waits for you as you make your exciting late/ dramatic entrance into the room? Are you the one who comes with someone, so you are not alone? Are you the one in the corner sipping on a drink, waiting for someone to come talk to you? Are you the one that is already with a stranger, getting to know them more intimately, in another room?? Humans need to feel validated and… accepted. Regardless of what we may admit to or say out loud, every bit and piece of our history and sociology confirms that we are social creatures. We need people on a social, psychological, emotional, financial, economic level and so on. These enmeshments/bonds that we create in our lives can often foster positivity as well as deep heartbreak. It’s complicated, we are complicated.

     As many times as people have died from each other’s hands due to horrific wars, community violence and so on, on some level most humans adapt to the fact that we must work together to get things done more efficiently and effectively. Our lifestyles depend on these enmeshments to go as smoothly as possible. Most people agree to adapt to the lifestyle of working for each other vs against each other, especially when we know all too well what type of tragedy a war can bring.

     It’s still so hard, for many to get along. People often identify that as much commonality there is between them and others, there’s also a lot of diversity. Those moments or even chronic episodes in which we may feel that we cannot connect with another human being, no matter how hard we try. We can get emotionally ‘checked out’ due to the burden of trying to fit in to a society that often burns us. We may isolate when it feels particularly destructive, maybe convince ourselves that ‘people are not worth it anymore’, all together. Why can society sometimes make a person feel like ‘they don’t fit in’? Why do people do this to each other? Like an odd form of psychological warfare…? Also, why do we let it get to us, deep down?

     What exacerbates our ‘Misfit Syndrome’?

     Toxic family values/expectations – It seems so innocent, to teach our youth those cliché lines that we were fed growing up. “Be the best”, “second place is first loser”, “mind over matter”, “leave the past in the past and move on” etc. We are preparing them to be those high paced adults in a high paced environment where losing is not an option. Unfortunately, an overbearing fear of disappointing the family yet again, can contribute to anxiety and/ or ambivalence. Common cognitions can include: “Not trying is better than losing”, “no expectations means no disappointment”. If we push people too hard in the family unit, consistently act disappointed in their ‘lack of effort’ or ‘lack of achievement’, they will grow to resent us and often ‘act out’ be doing less. On the other end of the spectrum, they may foster self destructive behaviors in order to ‘people please’ the family and become overwhelmed in perfectionistic personality traits. Both ends of this spectrum are very harmful. All human’s, especially in childhood, need some gratitude and positive reinforcement/ affirmations aimed toward their efforts.

     Blind eye to Bullying + consequential people pleasing/rage – Yes, there are always those kids/ adults that will take it too far. Also, yes, sometimes there are those around us who will neglect it all the while, summing it up to just ‘this is how it is’. ‘Fight back, or deal with the consequences of being a pushover.’ In addition to the toxic family values from up above, there’s also a family value of ‘toxic kindness’ with a lack of boundaries and a ‘NO EXCEPTIONS’ attitude that is instilled in some kids. Unfortunately, this could become harmful because parents may just not know what their child is up against at school and now a days, on social media. If someone is a victim of being bullied as a child, there’s a much higher chance that they will be bullied in adulthood as well. Some adults, like kids, continue bullying. What changes is the approach and tactics used. If someone falls into a school, workplace, family situation in which they are that ‘misfit’, they are susceptible to the most beat downs and therefore a chronic path toward victimhood. In some cases, it can get to a point where rage manifests and lash backs may follow.

Toxic Competition – We want to win so bad, that often we want it at the detriment of others. The idea of ‘being better’ than someone is to show it off, have some witnesses, inflate the ego and move on thinking it meant something. Whether it’s a Spelling Bee, honor roll, a sports win, a promotion over our peers, feeling like the ‘favorite’ mascot child over siblings and so on. There is a healthy way to compete, and there’s most definitely a toxic way to compete. Healthy competition involves collaboration, pushing your family member/ peer as you would want to be pushed. Knowing that the person next to you getting ‘better’, also makes you ‘better’ by default. It’s growth and taking a ‘loss’ doesn’t make you a loser. A loss is still, very much, growth.

     Lifestyle Idealizations – The lifestyle that is most idealized and pushed up to the highest of pedestals, is the lifestyle we (society) must all talk about, aspire to, work toward and settle into. No questions ask! If someone has ever found themselves in a situation where people stare at them as if they ‘have two heads’ just because of something they want to do that doesn’t quite fit the norm, they know what this is about. If we are not aiming toward this ‘American Dream’ (quite dead by now) of a 40+ hour pension with healthcare and retirement plan and popping out babies to provide for and create the ‘picture perfect’ happiness that society is obsessed with, we are wrong. We may be considered a misfit, possibly mentally ill, and to be pitied and judged by those that conform to the ideal. To be healthier in this realm, it is important to remember that nothing is Universal, including our societal expectations. Often, people do not like to admit it, but they are just as clueless regarding life as you are. Period.

     Conclusion

     The reality is, it does not matter which one you are at the party, it doesn’t even matter if you decided to show up that day or not. It does not matter if you are 100% the societal norm or 100% total misfit. What matters is that you are being as genuinely close to who you want to be as possible (and trying not to hurt people to the best of your ability of course!). Why? You can lie to the world, but you cannot lie to your own mind. It wants what it wants and living anything that compromises your true need/ pursuit of happiness (again as long as you aren’t’ hurting people!!!) will harm your spirit. We need acceptance to accept ourselves and vice versa, but we also need to be around the types of people and environments that accept us, as us. This often means tailoring our crowd to fit our needs, while making boundaries with those that refuse our right to self-determination. Somewhere, and in some way, we all fit in.

New Year… New… Me?

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 1-2-2021

“I need to learn calmness in chaos, because chaos never ends.” -EaE

          Our traditions are dying, or perhaps changing, or perhaps they do not have the appeal they used to. Slowly, but surely, we see and feel the discomfort of change, and 2020 amplified it to a point no one could have foreseen. Crisis situations, breaks in communication patterns, increased polarization.  Family, social, spiritual, political values being warped before our very eyes. In some cases, people lost the lifestyle that they had built and known, in the blink of an eye. I have worked in crisis mental health as well, especially when in the combat zone. The term ‘crisis work’ is broad however, and it encompasses many things to include giving therapy to clients during a rapidly changing year such as this one.

     I believe that by Dec 31st, 2020, many were checked out to the point that the whole “New years resolution” thing felt like a joke. There was a mixture of those engaging in what has been coined as ‘toxic positivity’ in that they only wanted to talk positive, post positive, and pressure others to only be ‘positive’ in a year that many were traumatized and grieving. All the way to those that were engaging in risky behaviors and doing things that could cause harm to themselves and others. Every piece of news that had any type of dramatic impact going viral, whether it was based on actual evidence or a complete fabrication, it did not seem to matter anymore. I saw the usual and expected cycle of change play out due to crisis that happens at both macro levels as well as micro (the individual):  Confusion, Immediate criticism, denial, malicious compliance, sabotage, easy agreement, deflection, silence as well as in your face criticism (Dr. Andy Hines, andyhinesight.com).

     Regardless of who we are, what we ascribe to and what defense mechanisms played out during 2020, this year impacted everyone. It was a shared crisis. In some ways we were ‘together’ and in other ways completely and utterly alone. Regardless of what anyone tried to convince themselves of, changes happened. Even the most solitude individual will experience changes if the society around them is changing drastically. From minor changes such as boredom, grocery and insurance prices going up all the way to the major grievance of losing jobs, homes, loved ones and more.

     2020 Changes in Mental Health

     More people reached out to me than usual this past year. I did have to explain to some that I cannot serve as their therapist since I was in a friendship and/ or social media acquaintanceship with them. However, I am never opposed to being a friend and talking some hardships out when time allows. A common theme I found amongst conversations as well as an endless series of comment sections through mental health forums on social media: Many people are experiencing exacerbated mental health symptoms this year, in some cases for the first time in their lives. It sounded as though many that had exhibited ‘traits’ of mental health themes in the past were now suffering from full blown ‘diagnostic conditions.’ Overall, this contributed to a theme of helplessness throughout our country. Experiencing mental health symptoms daily for the first time in your life is terrifying. Anyone that has been suffering from a disorder already, can attest to that terrifying time when the symptoms were new and fresh, and they had no idea what to do about it. This has been the year of teleworking, the mental health world as well: Teletherapy. My main piece of advice is to open your mind to getting help, and the second piece of advice would be to NEVER put a timestamp on it. Meaning, do not use a line such as ‘by this timeframe I must get better or be back to normal’, this pressure will only serve to increase shame. We cannot ‘will’ ourselves out of a mental condition, if that were the case, no one would suffer from mental health issues, ever.

     2020 Changes in Expectations

     Due to increased mental health symptoms, helplessness, crisis situations and more, our expectations also adjusted accordingly. Unfortunately, when people are in a crisis, logical thoughts such as ‘things take time’, ‘one day it will be better’, do not compute or process. A crisis, again, exacerbates our mental health and sends us down a terrifyingly twisted roller coaster of emotions that do not allow us to think properly about the next crucial step. In turn, when people feel helpless and emotional, they turn to others to do their work/ thinking for them. The consequence will likely be anger and disappointment, especially in the case of this pandemic. With countless people becoming unemployed, many more quitting due to burnout, all that was left was a significantly smaller number of people working with less resources to serve a surplus of people in need. This was brutal to anyone that was pushed into a crisis as well as the few workers left to try and pick up the pieces for the less fortunate. I had to talk to every client, friend, family member and acquaintance about adjusting our expectations to match this ‘new normal’. Things are slower, less people care, more people are checked out mentally. People have also been forced to get crafty to make up for what is missing. I remind everyone that we all learned about this pandemic at the SAME TIME. Meaning for everyone, these changes are so brand new that we are all still adjusting to them. Online learning is still complicated to many, telehealth is still frustrating to many, looking for a job with no end in sight is brutally stressful, receiving an eviction notice is horrific.  Resistance is common, but eventually, we all must adjust our expectations and find a new path.

     2020 Changes in Priorities

     There has been quarantine shaming, political affiliation blaming, parental shaming, violence and much more. I hope that we keep the crisis, changes in mental health and expectation management advice in mind. Every individual must make the right choices for themselves and their families. And guess what? That looks different from everybody! People’s priorities changed this year, primarily based on the way the pandemic uniquely impacted them and their household. We cannot be surprised if our friends/ family members no longer have the means or desire to visit us or celebrate holidays if finding a job and paying their rent is still at stake. One common theme is that many people relate to the fact that ‘nothing seems as stable and concrete’ as we had once imagined. A stable job is not necessarily a stable job. A savings is ALWAYS worth it, even if it means not having certain luxuries that give us superficial bragging rights. Being forced to spend more time with people can make or break relationships and remind us of what is important. Relationships that felt so healthy and concrete in foundation shattered a part. All priorities may have been thrown out the window for those that were hospitalized with covid-19 and forced to put their health at the top of the list and allow everything else to get tossed to the backburner. Changing priorities is not only likely during a crisis, but also encouraged to take care of what truly matters: the physical and emotional wellbeing of the individual and those that they love.

     The New Year New Me of 2021 may likely compose of continued changes in our external worlds impacting individual mental health. Changes in how we discuss and address our mental health. Learning to manage our expectations to not further exacerbate our mental health. Hopefully, also not exerting our energies toward things that are destructive, that may worsen an already awful situation. Then, changes in priority due to a crisis and what is identified as important… which is always up to the individual and their rights to self-determination.  I will not necessarily call it a ‘Happy New Year’, I will instead say welcome to 2021, and I encourage everyone to put self-care and reflection as a top priority. My Uncle asked me what three words I want to take into 2021, I chose: Companionship, mindfulness, and gratitude.

ENVY

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 12-14-2020

“The hardest thing anyone can ever do in the history of humanity: listen, nod, validate” -EaE

     We often stop at envy and fail to look at the root cause within ourselves. Meaning we judge, criticize, laugh at others for our own internal comfort/ gain without exploring what puts us in that mode in the first place. The mode of envy, being that there is something within ourselves that may feel insecure or threatened by the mere appearance and/ or actions of another person. This is a human thing, but often chronically unexplored and not talked about… because, let’s admit it… jealousy isn’t a good look. I encourage people to look at envy for what it actually is: A hint toward what our deep underlying insecurities are. To envy and/ or judge someone means to magnify something about them that makes us ‘uncomfortable’ for whatever reason.

     One thing I pride myself in is my ability to “why” myself and/ or someone else to death. Sometimes it’s important to ‘why’ ourselves until we get to the root cause of how we actually feel. For example, if we find ourselves judging or envying someone it may be useful to ask ourselves why. It’s obviously a much harder task than just putting out judgement into the world and moving on with our lives… but the ‘why?’ can help us get to know ourselves better.

  • Why don’t I like people that dress like that?
  • Why do I assume people that look like ____________ are _______________?
  • Why am I obsessed with laughing at people on reality TV?
  • Why do I often judge celebrities knowing that everyone falls into the trap of making the same human mistakes that they do?
  • Why do I notice other people’s flaws more than I notice my own?

     People often serve as a way of us distracting ourselves from ourselves. Also, judging other’s helps us take the ‘heat’ and feelings of worthlessness away from our mind. If I’m making fun of someone else, I may be alleviating my own shame. If I judge them, maybe I won’t feel as awful as I usually feel about myself. Unfortunately, this approach is counterproductive. The act of judging serves us poorly. Judging and overly criticizing is an act that says, ‘there is something wrong about being human, with human habits, and human mistakes.’ Whether we are putting shame on others or ourselves, we are setting the tone that in the world there is a ‘right way to live’ and a ‘wrong way to live’. However most things are not Universal. We do different things, we have different likes/ wants/ needs, we have different ways of expressing ourselves, we look different, we lead different lifestyles etc.

     Checking in with our envy serves as a way of putting less judgement into the world, so that we may judge ourselves less, and be judged less. The other important thing to remember, is that if someone is envious of you, see it more as a ‘them’ problem vs a ‘you’ problem. For example, “A person’s envy toward me is not my fault or my burden, it is their issue that they will have to deal with on their own.” There is often an urge to try to ‘win over’ those that envy or hate us. Refrain from this urge, as it will often exacerbate the other party’s envy and will only serve to build resentment in you. Sometimes, we are just not someone’s ‘cup of tea’, nor do we want to build an unhealthy pattern with someone who already has preconceived notions of who we are.

     Using ‘Envy’ constructively

     There is a concept in the athletic/ sports world regarding ‘friendly competition’. Meaning, we as humans can use our competitive side to our advantage, by bettering ourselves. Friendly competition looks like working out with a friend and both parties holding each other accountable and pushing each other to improve. It looks like an incredible race, sparring match, ball game or dance off in which all people are smiling and gaining something from the competition; everyone improves. Destructive envy looks like hate, shame, blaming, judging to a point where we hate ourselves more in the long run. Taking envy and channeling it into something constructive and helpful looks like modeling or taking advice from that person that is ‘better’ than you at something, so that you may become better yourself.

     The difference between whether humans destroy each other or uplift each other has to do with our ability to know ourselves and know each other. Our ability to compromise, collaborate, grow, mature and hold ourselves to better standards than we did before. Macro (big picture) envy looks like violence and war, macro level support looks like a humanitarian mission in which we rebuild communities and each other. We gain something, even when it’s not ‘always about us’. We gain something in acknowledging the fact that we need each other, we do not have to be enemies.

     Interdependence

     To reinforce the concept that we do need each other to some extent, I stress the fact that human beings are social creatures. Human beings are not the ‘independent’ socially isolative people that they like to pretend to be. “I hate people” comes up a lot, and that may be true to some extent, but are we helping ourselves with that hate? Also, are we acknowledging the importance of what people do for us in our daily lives?

     Interdependence Monitoring:

  • Who do I rely on for shelter?  Contractors/ laborers/ shelter system employees/ real estate agents/ financial providers/ parents/ guardians/ kids/ employers
  • For money? Employers/ clients & customers/ bankers/ financial providers/ government employees/ taxpayers/ friendly donations
  • For food and beverage? Farmers/ fisherman/ laborers/ cooks/ manufacturers/ stockers/ cashiers/ employer’s/ food bank employees
  • For emotional support? Friends/ family/ therapist/ peers/ tech/ social media group members/ life coaches
  • For physical health? Doctors/ Nurses/ medical assistants/ nurturers (typically our parents)/ public health workers/ safety inspectors/ professions built to protect us
  • For entertainment? Artists/ entertainers/ technological experts/ friends/ significant others/ laborers/ amusement park workers/ media workers

     Envy will only serve as a way of hindering our ability to work interdependently, as we were always meant to do as a human race. Hopefully both the purpose and hindrance of envy was explored as well as the why it is not helpful and the ways to counter it going forward. I encourage everyone to do their own interdependence monitoring so that we may practice more gratitude for those that are in our lives, and less envy toward things that are not worth being envious over in the first place.

Lower the Dosage (Mind shielding)

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 11-25-2020

“We do not owe anyone the labor of our hands or minds. It is for sale or trade, not to be stolen by a vampire or zombie.” -EaE

     There is only so much stress we can allow into our minds and bodies before we start to feel the erosion/ drain associated. Especially this year, I make it a point to educate and reinform the importance of moderating our dosages of toxicity. In many cases, we feel as though we have no choice but to be victims to the difficulty that our society has placed on us. To some extent, it is true. We only have so much control, often, we fall victim to being controlled and coerced. However, I will never stop empowering individuals to be the healthiest version of themselves that they can be. More importantly, to focus on ways in which they can protect their own mental wellbeing and shield out the damage done to them by powerful external forces. When I first introduce the concept of mind shielding, moderation and boundaries, it often get’s met with resistance. In many cases people ‘do not feel they have a choice’. They ‘must watch the news and be informed’, they ‘must deal with the toxic family member to keep the peace’, or they ‘must keep working nonstop to meet deadlines and goals’ despite what it costs them.

     Mind shielding is a technique that will change your life for the better, however, it will initially get met with resistance and confusion and yes, we will be very uncomfortable when we initially start using the intervention. Why? Because change is uncomfortable, even when it is good for us. So just to reinforce, if we want to improve our lives, we must be willing to accept that parts of the mental health journey can/ will be uncomfortable. Habits, even when they are toxic, are extremely hard to pull away from. Humans often confuse habit with a ‘need’ in their life that cannot be compromised because of x,y,z. However, I want to reinforce how often our stubborn destructive habits have zero purpose but to keep us in a continuous cycle of stress, anxiety, depression, and anger.

            What needs a lower dosage? (Note that in most cases we cannot shield ourselves from everything, some stress is necessary and even good for us. But we can often lower our dosages of toxicity!)

  • Manipulative & Codependent friends/ family. Examples may include those that are often asking you for your money, time or feedback to a point you feel you have no time and/ or resources to focus on the things you want/ need for your own wellbeing.  A good series of questions: Does this friend/ family member add or multiple to my life? Are they neutral? Or do they often take away or divide me? What dosage can I take from this person? I often deal with them 80% of my life and would like to lower the dosage to 45%….   “Now that I have lowered my dosage of this person they are ‘making’ me feel guilty”. This is normal, it will happen, and it is important to process this guilt and understand how it is directly playing into our compulsion to enable and save others. Do not give into the guilt, rather, understand where it is really coming from.  Realistically, the saving of one person should not disinhibit the livelihood of another.  Helpful reframes include “This persons issue was not started by me, therefore it is not my job to solve it in it’s entirety”, “Working on my own mental and physical well being is already a full time job, I cannot do it for someone else too” and “If I am working harder than this person is at their issue’s, there is something wrong with this picture”.
  • Excessive work, especially more than what we get paid for.  Because working 40+ hours a week is such a norm, many believe that it is not harmful to our mental and physical wellbeing. Work is ‘just something that should be done’, ‘it’s just the way it is’. This could cause some people who are being mentally compromised by their jobs to feel inadequate and weak. This stigma is inaccurate. Let’s be real, work can/ will be stressful. Most likely, we will get in trouble or stressed over things that are literally not our fault. Some people will even take on their jobs as their literal identity and use it to gauge their own personal worth in this world. Many use jobs to ‘compensate’ for where they lack elsewhere in life. Many also compulsively work to avoid other things that are going on in their lives. This causes a toxic pattern of overworking, over producing and over consuming to make up for it. Healthy reframes include: “I do this to get paid and to then pay my bills, that is all”, “I have no control over how hard working or how lazy my coworkers choose to be, nor do I have to make up for their laziness’, and ‘This is only a part of my life and when I get home, I will do what I want/ need to unwind, I owe it to myself”.
  • News/ politics. Simply put, because there is news regarding every single topic in the world in almost every area, we now feel this heightened sense of obligation to be informed. It also spikes secondary trauma and anxiety, constantly being exposed to all the bad things that are happening every second of everyday. “I must be informed”, “I need to know what’s going on”, these are the common lines that are being used to justify 8-12-hour news/ politics binges. A mass quarantine makes it all the easier to get wrapped into the ‘black hole’. It get’s to a point, unfortunately, where people stop living their life, only to live a life of ‘knowing’ what’s going on with other people. Other people we do not know, other people that hold ‘power’ but not nearly as much power as we give them credit for. Truthfully, if someone wants to care so much about social issue’s and change, I would encourage them to direct their energy into making a difference, vs directing their energy into ‘knowing everything’ but doing nothing with the knowledge other than ‘ruminating’ and ‘fixating’ to a point of panic attacks and anger outbursts. Helpful reframes include: “More news today would be counterproductive as evidenced by my heightened anxiety, anger or depression”, “Today I owe it to myself to focus on myself and what is in my control”.
  • Negative social media patterns Again, much like the issue with news & politics, in the world of social media we have created another sense of obligation in which we ‘owe this online social world’ the majority of our attention. I always tell my clients to ‘remember, you control the phone, the phone does not control you’. We can moderate how often we look at a screen and how much we will allow the screen to distract and consume us. We can control our notifications, banners, sounds or lack of sounds, apps, how often we want to respond or not respond. Also, with this new online social world comes the responsibility to ‘train people’ on how often we are available or not available. Realistically, just because we can be reached 99% of the time, does not mean we want to be reached that often. Just because the online world is 24/7, does not mean we must neglect our organic lives to appease it. We also have many ways to filter out toxic people in the social world: blocking, unfollowing their wall, posting but hiding the post from them specifically, or avoiding the rabbit holes of pointless arguments that will go no where and only exacerbate our mood for the rest of the day.

Outside of all this practical and logical advice, I still recognize how hard mind shielding and lowering dosages will be. The temptations to these vices and maladaptive patterns are very real. It takes self-determination, a willingness to be uncomfortable and bored at times, and the ability to care about ourselves beyond what feels gratifying in the moment. We must ask ourselves do we want long term helpful changes, or instant gratification while also being miserable for days on end? Many people believe that the answer to their own mental well being and ‘happiness’ involves a miracle answer or cure that they may ‘find one day’. The reality is we will never be 100% ‘cured’ or ‘happy’, that is a fictional reality that we have made up that cannot be attained. Instead, improved mental health is actually a long-term journey that requires daily self-care, as individuals we must take personal, long term accountability toward our own mental health. This often does not mean attaining or putting more on our plates, rather lowering our number of stress, grievances, and toxic patterns over a lifetime. Live, learn and hopefully be a ‘happier’ version of yourself in the future.