Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Saved my Life Too

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-8-2021

“The way I see it, I am going to hate myself whether I sit on my ass helplessly for the rest of my life, or I fight and fail, fight and fail…. fight and fail again. If I’m going to hate myself, I better be the best fucking loser I’ve ever known. -EaE

I’ll start by saying I was that walking cliché’ of a veteran that felt a disconnect the moment I left active-duty service in the summer of 2014. I walked along Rockaway Beach in NYC completely lost, without a sense of purpose or identity. Pun intended on a walking cliché’, as I literally went on 2-3 hour walks to ‘find myself’ and get away from all people. It did not work. The first/ only thing I had to look forward to that summer was my first official Brazilian Jiu jitsu class. I had it in my mind that I was going to ‘get good’ fast, win medals, gain confidence and fill that void that could never be filled. Now, this is the part of the blog where all martial artists reading this start laughing at me, as they very well know that I was humbled to death; my dreams shattered into a million pieces. Martial arts does not lie, the mats do not lie. I am the first to admit, if you want to truly be humbled in a way that wakes you up to reality and makes you question your own existence, join a martial arts gym and put in the work. There is nothing like it, and it was the perfect sport for me to join after I left the military.

     What Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) Fosters: 

Camaraderie:  First and foremost, I started making friends again. I had a new group of comrades after leaving the military, and extra bonus if/ when I met veterans in the BJJ gym. There is a joke in the martial arts community that we are all pretty ‘weird’ people, especially given the fact that we choke each other, risk breaking limbs, hug all the time and punch each other in the face.  (if you are also into striking sports which I am 😊) I suffered heavily from social anxiety due to childhood traumas and isolation due to military traumas. To my surprise, meeting people in martial arts was easier than I had anticipated. No ‘small talk’, no BS, just get right to it and start attacking/ fighting, which ironically is a lot easier to me vs trying to ‘get to know someone’ with… small talk. Due to the fact that I worked in mental health for so long, I was used to one sided convos with me being the listener, I actually did not know how to talk about myself. I did know, however, how to fly at the blue/ purple belts and throw caution to the wind as they destroyed me. Many people downplay their white belt days, but I call it the “Fun belt”. It is the belt of experimentation and I absolutely loved getting beat up by my new martial arts friends. 

Discipline/Patience:   Despite how fun/ exciting our lives look on Instagram and Facebook, it is NOT all fun and games. It is not even 50% fun and games. Training in BJJ takes a ton of time, patience, money, sacrifice, ego checks and more. There will be self-hatred and anger, envy, jealousy, petty thoughts, frustration and “I fucking quit” moments. (Or is it just me?) I did bring my military discipline into the sport, which helped a lot, good lord I needed it! I suffered from poor self-esteem, so again, I needed all the discipline I could get to fight my way into progression. It is common knowledge in BJJ that the average person quits sometime after earning their blue belt. (Ranks: white/ blue/ purple/ brown/ black/ red (insanely rare)) I am still not shocked by this information, as I have coined blue belt the “I hate myself belt”. Every BJJ practitioner that is blue and above has laughed when I said this, nodded in agreement, and NEVER argued. My blue belt journey, full of quite a few competitions, polished me and taught me to recognize how little I knew, and how much more time I needed to put in. It was love/ hate and it turned into a true obsession. 

Knowledge:  We learn an incredible amount about ourselves when we are put to the test in any martial arts. We also learn a lot of technique, concepts, mechanics, kinetic knowledge, artistic expressions, hygiene practices, social skills, sportsmanship, lineages and more. BJJ is a very knowledge based martial arts, there is an infinite number of ways to make a person tap out, and an infinite number of ways to get to those submissions we use. Many chains, many attacks, many sequences, many ways your opponent may defend, many ways you may counter their defense etc. So, the next time you watch a grappling match, no they are not just hugging each other and hoping for the best result. Every single interaction you see likely has technique, thought, and muscle memory behind it. If the match seems boring, it is because they (the martial artists) both know what they are doing!!!! 

Humble Pie: There is absolutely no way anyone is going to make their way to the top in BJJ without their fair share of humble pies. If someone makes their way to the top always winning, I would question their school and their selection of training partners. One common line is that ‘you never want to be the best in your gym’ or ‘if you’re always winning, you are at the wrong school’. There is a strong chance, especially as a small dude or a female in general, that you will be smashed and destroyed for a good year or two before obvious progress is made. Why might people want to subject themselves to this? The easy answers: To learn true self-defense, to test what we are made of, as well as the maturity in knowing that if it is hard, it is worth it. The not as obvious answer(s)? Some of us are self-destructive and/ or self-polishing in nature. Also, some of us are adrenaline/ goal junkies that will stop at nothing to be better than what we were yesterday. Grappling is extremely challenging/ humbling. We “go live” (spar) at the end of almost every single training session, the risk to getting our ass beat is extremely high for many years. I quit at least four times, but then kept coming back, I had to really love the sport to stay in it.

Respect: We may not always like that training partner(s) that keep’s tapping us out, injuring us and/ or acting all cocky every time they enter the room, but we damn sure better respect them! In addition, the more time/ effort/ blood/ sweat/ tears we put into the sport, the more we learn to respect ourselves. The biggest thing I was forced to learn to respect was the fact that there is no rushing in BJJ, the process is long/ tedious, and we must train an insurmountable amount of hours if we want to be even kind of good. I also learned to respect the fact that if someone beat me up, they most likely deserved to, they most likely put in more blood, sweat and tears than I did. If someone beat me up, I had the utmost respect for their hard work toward that, also if I beat someone up, I respected them for taking that beating from me. I have been on the receiving end and I know what it takes to deal with win/ loss. 

Confidence: How funny that a sport that humbles us, will also give us incredible confidence… eventually. As stated above, white belt is the fun belt, blue belt is the I hate myself belt, and purple belt (which I earned in the summer of 2020) is what I call the “Belt of Serenity”. Why? I do not believe that I was a mature BJJ practitioner until around the time I earned my purple belt. (Six brutal years into the sport later) I noticed a dramatic difference in my overall thought process around that time. I was enriched with so much gratitude. Gratitude to be on the mat, happy about every training session, regardless of how it went. Confidence in myself as well as the nature of the beast that is the sport. Confident that I could conquer my training sessions, my goals, as well as my negative cognitions. As of current, I feel that I am in a place of serenity in the sport of BJJ, and it is not because I am always winning. (I am still getting beat up from time to time!) It is mainly because I am confident enough at this point that I will get through all my current/ future obstacles that the sport and life may bring my way.

Endorphins:  As an individual that suffers from Depression and Post traumatic stress disorder, these endorphins are like no other. When I say BJJ saved my life, this is what I truly mean. This sport has fed my soul as well as my emotional health and given me something I never knew I always needed. I have done quite a few physical activities/ sports in my life: Cross country, track & field, aerobics, dancing, cross fit, powerlifting, yoga etc. There is NO high like the high of martial arts, from my perspective. There is no energy like the energy in a gym full of people fighting their fights, drilling the drills, sweating it out, screaming, grunting, throwing each other, the war cries, the wins and the ‘failures’. Many other martial arts practitioners and I leave our training sessions high off of endorphins, lesson’s, dreams, stories to tell, food cravings to fulfill and more. There is a rather large community of BJJ practitioners that report partially using the sport to medicate their mental health conditions. I am an enormous advocate for BJJ serving to aid both physical and mental health. 

Tenacity/ Grit: When it came to confrontation, I had the heaviest freeze response imaginable. One of the common feedbacks I received was that I needed to learn to ‘be aggressive’. It gave me flashbacks to the military as my supervisors constantly got on my case to be louder and more aggressive. It was something I did not know how to bring forth and channel. Martial arts brought that right out of me. The reality is no one likes to get bested. The only time I found myself ever wanting to go at someone was after they hit me, submitted me, bullied me, mushed my face and so on. Tenacity and grit have nothing to do with how good we are, but everything to do with our capacity to NOT give up. I do not like to give up. Any martial artist you meet that has been doing it for years to decades does NOT like giving up. I can be punched in the face ten times, but I am going to land that one on you! (It all started with my older brother beating me up) I do not care if you submitted me 30 times already, I am going to get you, or at the very least, you are not going to get me this time, not again. Within large goals in BJJ, there are also mini goals. Sometimes the mini goal is to get beat up just a tad less that day. 😊

Enough said…. start training!

The Myth of the Gateway Drug

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 4-2-2021

“You don’t tame an addict by forcing them into sobriety. You tame them when you can help them find the proper medicine to treat their underlying wounds.” -EaE

          As people read this blog and get to know me through social media, they would never guess who I was as a child and young adult. Currently I am a heavy advocate for medicinal cannabis and psychedelic use for conditions such as depression, anxiety and PTSD. Five years ago, or more, this was not the case. As a child, I heavily ascribed to the unpopular and unsuccessful D.A.R.E program. Why? My mother had been suffering from alcoholism and a methamphetamine addiction throughout my childhood; it weighed heavily on myself as well as my older brother. These addictions she carried led to heavy neglect, abuse and abandonment that created mental wounds that would follow us for life. I was told (as young as six) by the adults around me “Your mother cannot be with you because of drugs”. My child brain then equated all drugs with “BAD”, selfish, and irresponsible. I did not have many friends in high school or the military because of this. I was firm on my stance, many could not relate to me, I could not relate to many. A high schooler that will not experiment is ‘lame’, and a person in the military that will not drink is an alien. 

Here’s the reality, an addict is an addict. Addiction exists in our mind, and our mind suffers from the addiction. It is not about the drug of choice, and despite popular belief I do not believe in ‘gateway’ drugs. A gateway drug is often described as a drug that leads to an even more ‘dangerous’ or ‘potent’ drug; therefore, we should remain sober from all drugs… right? Wrong. An addict is an addict, and the addict mind will find a way to get high, even if it is happening subconsciously. My mother was an addict, and both biologically and through the process of negligent nurturing, I became an addict too. My addict brain tricked me into thinking I was not an addict, as many can relate to. If I was not drinking or ‘drugging’ I was ‘fine’. My first addiction was sugar/ carbs onset at the age of ten, my second addiction was exercise which onset by the age of 15, my third addiction was codependent relationships onset at the age of 19, and my fourth addiction became cannabis. Cannabis happened when I finally accepted that I have deep mental health struggles and I needed something different… but, naturally, through the course of most of this, I was in denial.

I have worked with many clients that have struggled with substance abuse issues. Yes, some people do have a ‘drug of choice’, but what is also quite common is drug switching. It happens quite frequently. A person struggling with an addiction to alcohol may quit drinking and turn right to smoking, then months later quit smoking and go too heavy on their pain medication and/ or anxiolytics, then months later go sober and start to shop retail constantly to make up for the void. The cycle is endless, because they are not taming the addiction, rather they are drug switching because sobriety, to an addict, feels empty and miserable. This cycle leads many outsiders looking at the less harmful and sometimes beneficial drugs as the ‘gateway’ drugs that will ‘surely’ lead to harsher drugs with more extreme side effects such as: heroine, meth, crack etc. Rest assured I have met an incredible amount of people both socially and in a professional setting that have never extended their usage beyond cannabis and psychedelics, (both in evidenced based trials for treating depression & PTSD). What was alarming, is the amount of people I met that were suffering from an addiction toward a harsher drug that admitted to starting the drug due to ‘nothing else being available to them’ and a ‘lack of education on what could help ease their mental health symptoms.’ A failure and a disservice to all that are suffering from mental illness. I often think about how maybe cannabis and psychedelics with proper mental health care may have been able to save my mother from dying young (back in 2010 at the age of 45). I often think about how it could have saved some of my other relatives from spiraling due to developing various prescribed pill addictions.

     When we demonize a medicine or what could be a healthy coping mechanism due to a lack of understanding it or a lack of willingness to give it a chance, we lose out on access to the good that could come of it. For the third time, an addict is an addict, and sobriety does not cure the addiction (we could only wish it were that easy). Many mental health professionals have now switched to harm reduction strategies vs sobriety expectations due to the fact that relapse is seen as…. almost always… inevitable. I want to see my clients, friends, family and myself with many healthy positive and balanced coping outlets Vs. 1-2 coping outlets that are being used in excess because they have nothing else.  Then in turn, they harm their bodies and minds with it. I have admittedly gone too far like many people, but I have also had many stages of balance in my life. How do we create and sustain this balance of medicines and coping? By being honest with ourselves first. By having a healthy support network, by finding the right treatment to soothe our mental wounds and recognizing that too much of anything will throw us out of balance. 

If you are suffering from a heavy addiction, it is time to get the help for it. We are in a new innovative world where some professionals specialize in exactly that: addiction. We are in a world that recognizes cost/ benefit analysis when it comes to drugs/ medicines and what can give us the best outcomes with the least amount of side effects. We are in a world that is finally decriminalizing one of the best natural medicines on the planet! We are in a world that is starting to recognize that when you strip an addict of their drug(s) of choice and leave them to be alone in a miserable state of sobriety and debilitating symptoms, they are likely to relapse and hit that drug heavier when they get a hold of it! Education is imperative! Not the unrealistic ‘stay away from drugs’ concept, but the education in how to find the right ‘drugs’ and balance them throughout the course of your life so that you can be a happier and more functional human being.

Unconditional Acceptances & Humanism

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-24-2021

“Sometimes it is NOT for you to figure out or decide, sometimes it’s just something for you to accept.” -EaE

     I was in Afghanistan when I decided I needed to give myself therapy, badly! I was so tired of being offended by literally everything everyone said to me, every day. Even worse, I kept it internalized and people had no idea I was struggling with rage from the work center bullying and emotional abuse that I had been subjected to. As a young mental health technician, I decided to utilize the only mental health article/concept I knew that was at my disposal: Albert Ellis REBT and what he called the ‘unconditional acceptances’.  He broke it down into three categories: Unconditional Self-acceptance, unconditional Other-Acceptance, and unconditional Life-Acceptance.  (REBT: A Smarter, More Effective Approach to Treatment (psycom.net)

     Unconditional self-acceptance– I have flaws- I have my bad points and my good points, but that does not make me any less worthy than another person. 

Unconditional other-acceptance– sometimes people won’t’ treat me fairly- there is no reason why they have to treat me fairly. Though some may not treat me fairly, they are no less worthy than any other person.

Unconditional Life-Acceptance– Life is not always going to go the way I want. There’s no reason why it must go the way I want. I might experience some unpleasant things in life, but life itself is never awful and it is usually always bearable. 

     I read these acceptances every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I read them first thing in the morning, at lunch, before bedtime, after each time I was offended or triggered. It calmed me and reminded me to dig deeper than just being offended all the time, because it is a lot more complicated than what I was giving it credit for. Yes, I had some asshole coworkers, who hasn’t’ dealt with that? But going deeper, I was subjected to emotional abuse as a child, I had a freeze response anytime I was faced with confrontation, I did not know how to assert myself and I was dealing with cultural clashes due to being from a small town and working with many blunt people from metropolitan areas. 

I reminded myself to pick my battles and reframe my thoughts when I was hurt. Maybe the coworker is having a bad day, maybe they are just joking, maybe their behavior is a reflection on them and has nothing to do with me, maybe I should talk back and show that I am not a victim as I often felt I was. An important note is that I learned that the more humans work on conditional acceptances, the greater their burdens are lifted in their daily lives. As we grow up, we must really learn what we cannot change, what we do not have control over, what is too much of a burden for us to bear. Acceptance can bring a peace and serenity like nothing else.

     Unconditional Other- Acceptance in a humanistic approach

I decided to take what I learned about unconditional acceptances a step further into my chosen value as a humanist. As a clinician, I strongly believe in self-determination, which I summarize as our right to be able to decide for ourselves, what is best for ourselves, regardless of what others say or think. Why is this so important to me? No one will ever be in our life and in our body like our individual self, so no one has the right to decide for us what we do with and for our body, spirit, mind, and soul. Therefore, to make life healthier for all, I encourage people to take on an unconditional other-acceptance toward all and let go of the urge to judge, criticize, discriminate, condemn, or outlaw the innocent actions of others that have nothing to do with them.

To fulfill this approach, it is necessary to accept people as they are, no matter how unfamiliar they may seem to you. If you find yourself unable to accept someone as they are even when they are not hurting you or anyone else, it is time to work on the concept of unconditional other acceptance. This includes people of different ethnicity, different sexual orientation, gender dysphoria, a different socioeconomic status, different religions, different political affiliation, different drugs of choice, different hobbies and so on. Anytime a colleague or friend heavily questioned a person that was extremely diverse from them I often used the phrase “You are thinking too hard about it, it’s not for you to understand”. The end. The fact of the matter is, people exist in this world that are quite different from you, and quite different from me, it does not make them wrong and us right. It just is what it is. To put any amount of effort into ‘forcing’ someone to be more like you would go against the value of unconditional other acceptance, it would hurt that person and it would drain your energy. It just does not make sense, period.

Unconditional Self-acceptance in a humanistic approach

An important reminder that yes, you are a human. Yes, you do have human needs, you are not absolved of the responsibility of learning to accept yourself and treat yourself as you would the people you care about and love the most. As a matter of fact, you must learn to put yourself as the top priority, if you were never taught that, you have a ways to go. Unfortunately, it is extremely hard, but fortunately, not impossible. A part of the issue I had with being so offended also had to do with my lack of unconditional self-acceptance. Since I could not accept myself, it was extra hard to accept when others pointed out my flaws. I was often overcompensating and trying to live in denial of the traumas I had dealt with and the many symptoms that came with it. 

A lot of the work involved in this realm has to do with accepting our bodies, minds and souls and consciously reminding ourselves not to self-neglect these important aspects. Self-acceptance means accepting: our biological traits, our family of origin, our natural attributes, our deficiencies which we must work harder at than the average person, our traumas and our healing process as we are not anymore invincible than anyone else. We must accept that we like what we like (so long as it’s not criminal) and we also have non negotiables where we must enforce boundaries and protect our inner peace. There is a lot of work and reflection to be done in this realm, and it is often the hardest work we must face.

     Conclusion

Unconditional acceptances are important for ourselves and others. It will lift a heavy burden if we can remain consistent with this concept and truly let go of what is out of our control and frankly, none of our business sometimes. I could have continued to stay that angry person that chose to be offended by everyone’s comments, language, tone of voice and so on. I chose a different way of viewing what was happening around me, the people around me, how I responded to any given situation/ confrontation. I chose to focus more on me, and to also remember that humans are fallible beings, the world is fallible, and that is why acceptance is so imperative to begin with.

Apologize to yourself

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-18-2021

“Get used to a world where no one belongs to you, and no one cares all the way. Live in that truth, accept that truth, and learn to be your own savior.” -EaE

I recently felt a dire need to apologize to myself. It was what I’ll call my first thirties epiphany breakthrough. I apologized to myself for my lack of self care over the years, my inability to say no when I needed to, constantly ignoring red flags that I should not have and ignoring the pain I felt from Afghanistan for far too long. Ignoring the pain I felt from my childhood trauma for far too long as well.

There are common defense mechanisms that get used especially for those that go through trauma situations in which they cannot “show weakness”. These include intellectualizing, numbing and minimizing our emotional pain so that we can carry on with life, perceivable unaffected by our trauma and grievances. I’ll share a few examples. My base gets bombed in the war zone, my go to intellectualization: “I’m statistically more likely to die in a car accident in the U.S. than here in Afghanistan” as well as “well I heard the bomb so that means I’m still alive.”

Then there’s minimizing: “other people got their limbs blown off, so I’m fine.” Then there’s numbing: During my military duty day I find out via voicemail that my mother died, I listened to the voicemail, closed my phone, put it in my pocket, felt numb and kept working, it would be months before I told any of my coworkers about it.

One thing about these types of defense mechanisms, we use them to appear “strong”, and the other thing about them is they can/ will end up leading to more severe breakdowns later. Even if not an emotional breakdown, most definitely physical ones. Humans have to feel what we feel. There isn’t a potion, pill, defense mechanism, person, or distraction that can stop it. We can morph, transfer or try to compartmentalize if needed, but emotional scars will remain.

So why was I apologizing to myself? Primarily for using these defense mechanisms and not allowing myself the care and attention I needed a long time ago. It led to a lot of mental breakdowns and destruction and quite frankly makes me a bad example of what a leader in the mental health world “should” look like.

However, it does lead to an important lesson for all: we all need to apologize to ourselves for something. Are we doing it? Most likely, not. And when we apologize to ourselves are we doing it with sincerity and the intention of trying to do better next time? To tell myself sorry for the mental pain I ignored means it is vital to recognize how not to let it happen again. No more ignoring red flags, no more ignoring my personal self care, no more putting myself last. These are not just things to promise myself, they are things I must take action on if I want to see true change in my life.

Simple Guide:

⁃ Recognize how or why you have been hurting and your individual contribution to said pain (if any)

⁃ Apologize to yourself for whatever it is you did that was self destructive or harmful in nature

⁃ Take accountability (the change process must start here)

An important question:

“Do you believe you are worthy of pursuing happiness?” Many don’t realize it, but this happens to be a very common roadblock for those that have suffered from trauma, grief and/ or moral injury. Before we can self help and self love, we must first feel worthy of it. If our identity is entrenched in trauma, self destructiveness and shame then we have a large mental battle ahead before we can even see we need to self apologize.

So to go further backwards, before you can apologize to yourself explore why you kept hurting yourself in the first place.:

⁃ Who or what circumstance taught you to self destruct vs self heal?

⁃ Why are you any less worthy than anyone else?

⁃ Are you able to remind yourself you are human and make mistakes?

⁃ Does self destructiveness get you high or make you feel in control?

⁃ Do you believe you deserve better than what is happening to you currently?

⁃ Do you believe in delayed gratification? (Doing things not for short term effect but for long term benefits.)

If you aren’t saying sorry to yourself, you missed something. We are all human, we all make mistakes. Typically we will say sorry to others, but rarely ourselves. Why? We aren’t taught to value our relationship with ourselves. I was 15 years old when an assistant coach for cross country came up to me and said “who’s the most Important person in your life?” I simply said “I don’t know…..” his reply? “It’s you, you are the most important person in your life. You come first.”

That was the first time anyone had told me that, and at the age of 15, I couldn’t even comprehend or wrap my mind around it. I couldn’t even believe in it. Maybe he read my lack of confidence through my aura. Maybe he knew I was in desperate need of self esteem. That was just the first of many times hearing some wisdom that I just wasn’t ready to implement. It would take a lot more damage before my wake up call came.

Conclusion:

Apologize to yourself. There was mistakes made, damage done, feelings neglected at times. No one is immune. It’s also an incredibly hard thing to navigate, self care, in a society where we are taught to follow someone else’s rules for life vs our own rules. The rules and boundaries we create, because they feel right to us, are the most important rules of all. Why? Because at the end of the day, you will get to know yourself better than anyone else. Your voice and self determination will always matter most.

Cool feedback, but, wrong person…

Elisa A Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-10-2021

This topic frequently comes up. All across the world, those that suffer from mental illness get bombarded with “practical” advice that unfortunately cannot help their debilitating chronic symptoms. People may mean well, but if they use these punchlines, they may not understand what suffering with a chronic mental illness entails.

Below I list some very common lines, tips and life advice that are frequently given out by the general public. The lines, along with why it may not help the sufferer of specific mental illnesses.

Why is this so important? There’s a good chance that a person suffering from anxiety, depression, ptsd, adhd, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, personality disorders etc has already been spoon fed these lines their whole life to a point it caused serious frustration and isolation from those around them. Suffering is hard, but when we feel the world around us cannot or will not try to understand, it makes it all the more difficult. Read below for more:

“Be positive”

Some people, quite literally, cannot access positivity. Things that often cause positivity to become inaccessible to the brain include: childhood trauma/ emotional & physical abuse/ exposure to domestic violence/ low self worth/ major depression/ pessimistic modeling.

Therapy, coping, reframing, and self care tactics are often needed before someone can gain self acceptance – the stage before self love. It takes a very healthy amount of self acceptance before someone can start to access positivity. There’s also a biological component! Just how much dopamine and serotonin can our brains actually produce naturally without a drug assisting? It all depends on the individual, their nature and nurture components factoring throughout their lifetime.

“Calorie count! Weigh yourself! Eat less! Workout more! Paleo! No carbs!”

For Eating disordered individuals, Numbers, and forbidden food lists are highly triggering and can often set them back to engaging in destructive eating disordered behaviors. This may include: restricting or upping caloric intake to dangerous levels, constant weighing, excessive exercise, body dysmorphic cognitions, intrusive thoughts of worthlessness, binging/ purging behaviors to “counter balance” where they “failed” in their ‘diet’.

Nutritionists are all over the social media world, and they are delivering very good information across many platforms. The general public tends to share and repeat lifestyle changes and dieting advice. Unbeknownst to many, we are triggering eating disordered individuals. I must emphasize, diet plans and number counting will NEVER work for eating disordered individuals and will often trigger them into more self destructive patterns. An eating disorder requires specialized training/ clinical skills that the average person does not possess.

“Just calm down, relax”

Panic disorders & anxiety/ Obsessive compulsive disorders are mental conditions that are not only in “the mind” but also physiological in nature. The body feels anxiety and panic just as much as the mind does. It’s a vicious cycle and once triggered into panic, can take hours to wind down.

The age old advice or “Calm down” , “chill”, “relax” cannot work because again, the body is also physiologically in panic. These physiological panic symptoms include: rapid heart beat, jitteriness, dilated pupils, difficulty breathing, changes in body temperature etc. These symptoms often require deep breathing, guided imagery, distractor methods and engaging the frontal lobe of the brain to calm the amygdala.

As the body deals with these panic responses, the mind has another battle to endure: the vicious cycle of unhealthy defense mechanisms and cognitions that lead to more anxiety/ panic. Cognitions: “What if?” “This could happen” “this has happened before” “I or we’re doomed”. Defense mechanisms: catastrophizing, magnifying, avoidance. The anxious mind has many barriers and obstacles to counter before it can self sooth/ calm.

“You have to love yourself first”

Complex ptsd in childhood leads to an ill mind that cannot access self love. If love and nurturance are not taught/ modeled by a primary caregiver in childhood, the developing brain will often go the opposite route: toward self destructive tendencies and negative cognitions/ feelings of worthlessness/ overall pessimism. Telling an abused/ abandoned/ neglected/ traumatized child to self love is like telling a fish to breath oxygen.

I will quote the great Dr Bruce Perry (child psychiatrist author of ‘The Boy who was raised as a Dog’) on this topic:

“For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that “unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.”…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation”

Most likely, complex ptsd from childhood cannot access self love and must engage in lengthy therapy to begin the healing process before they can gain the tools necessary to engage in proper self care & healthy coping tools. This takes a lot more time than most would care to admit or want to accept.

“Other people have it worse”

Our mental health / emotional well being does NOT improve with the knowledge that others may have it worse somewhere in the world. This statement has never worked since the beginning of time, yet it’s a familiar go to template for those that are uncomfortable sitting with someone in their misfortunes/ misery. Let’s consider, instead, that grief, sadness, anxiety, anger etc are all emotions that we will have throughout our lifetime, and to negate or cover them up is what truly destroys us.

If we’re reminded (which we already know) that others “have it worse” will it take away our current tragedy? Such as a loss, a trauma, a symptom, a trigger response? NO! When you push this line on a sufferer, you are practically encouraging their silence. You’re pushing them to sweep their crucial emotions post stressor/ trauma/ grief under a rug.

The consequence of disrupting emotional processing leads to a build up of confusion, resentment, psychological numbing, decreased intuition, and rage. The lesson? Let a person hurt when they hurt, where they hurt. It may or may not make sense to you, but a person feels what they feel. Feelings, unlike opinions, cannot be argued or tampered with. They are what they are, and they will always bleed through the rug.

Using your Scars

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 3-4-2021

“You can heal, but there will always be a scar. And that scar should serve as your lifelong reminder, always. -EaE

You are ignoring many emotional battles and issue’s in your life, there is no doubt about it. I am as well, and we cycle in and out of this throughout our years. If you have ever numbed out, intellectualized, distracted yourself, medicated, avoided something and immersed yourself into the next step while ignoring what clearly destroyed and scarred a part of your heart, soul, mind or physical being, you are doing a disservice to yourself. By ignoring these issue’s, you are not even allowing yourself to scar, you are just bleeding, slowly. Sometimes unbeknownst to yourself. I say it all the time, functional does not mean fine. Forcing yourself to pick up and carry on with an open mental wound leaves us in a state of injury that will prevail and sabotage any amount of happiness we might hope to have.

I must say it time and time again, we cannot ignore mental pain anymore than physical, we must feel it, allow the healing and use our scars as a template of truth. A question I want to pose: Would you rather live in blissful ignorance, or painful truth? As fun as it may sound, blissful ignorance hurts us chronically. We will get complacent, we will ignore our intuition and emotions that tell us something is wrong with this picture. Blissful ignorance will ultimately keep us from exploring ourselves and others. It’s a beautiful and gleaming trap, but it’s an emotional death sentence. To live in painful truth means to be emotionally open to the inevitable pain that we will get subjected to, it’s the ultimate vulnerability. It will make us wonder why the hell we get into what we get into, but it will give us the necessarily scars/ humbling we need to grow wiser and protect ourselves.

Call it an adaptation to chronic neglect, abuse, abandonment and military trauma, but I had developed what I thought was the perfect system to life in my earlier twenties. I was known as a ‘high speed’ troop that had all my shit together. Fast burner (ranked up quick), a smile on my face most days of the week, a ‘stable’ relationship, good college student etc. My routine was to function through all professional development, ignore my chronic depression and traumas, then go home, isolate and eat my feelings away while watching Netflix and crying. This was my normal, and I figured perhaps it was everyone elses too. I didn’t have much of a template to compare this too, as my entire family had been emotionally numbed out. It was a family that lacked emotional expression and focused all conversations on mundane daily life, job prospects, or dissociated completely into a television set. If I did have scars, I wouldn’t have known it. My emotions proved otherwise, but my social conditioning never allowed me to explore this part of myself.

Scars are a favor, rock bottom is a favor. I want to reframe these crucial part of our lives to allow us to see that it is that blessing in disguise that gives us the opportunity to slow down, self reflect, self heal and learn. However, these things only happen if we are truly paying attention and using the scars for what they are meant for: reminders of injury. Every scar has a trail of lesson’s. Ex: My scar on my side reminds me of the apartment where it happened, that apartment reminds me of physical abuse inflicted on me as a 4 year old from my mother’s boyfriend. That memory reminds me of a traumatized parent that was not equipped for parenthood and often highly negligent. This very fact reminds me that I lacked a secure attachment in childhood, which makes me highly aware of my personal abandonment issues. These abandonment issue’s have and will impact relationships, friendships and possible parenthood. One scar, tells me all this.

Though that example originally stemmed from a physical scar, there are many emotional scars attached. Emotional scars are very well hidden and often can only be revealed to us in the form of what we call ‘triggers’. A trigger is what happens to a person when something or someone from their external environment leads them into a state of emotional dysregulation or distress. This is where we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves if we can slow it down and process where/ how/ why it’s happening. Unfortunately when a trigger episode happens, people tend to react. In the therapy room, I encourage people to pause. There is a crucial millisecond between what happens to us and how we react, this is the the second where we must freeze and reflect if we want to learn/ grow. How can we know ourselves truly, if we cannot acknowledge just how much something is hurting us? We can’t!

Exploring your scars/ questions to ask yourself:

-What caused this? Why?

-How did it hurt me?

-What did I learn?

-Did I prevent it from happening again? Or did I get reinjured over and over again?

-Does this emotional injury cause me to lash out in new situations?

-Am I projecting this pain onto others and scarring them too?

-Or am I translating this pain into a healthier direction?

-Can I live with myself while having this scar and recognize that it is NOT the ultimate definition of who I am?

I highly encourage everyone to drop denial from time to time. Drop the projects, drop the distractions, drop the phone, get off the drugs for a second (or learn to take the proper drugs!!), self reflect, put in the work! Because getting to know yourself will be the best thing you ever do. Seeing the scar as a lesson vs something to avoid for eternity will be the best thing you ever do.

Knowing when to Quit

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 2-24-2021

“I can spend year after year building and cementing a life for myself, and in an instant, walk away from it like it never mattered. But it’s because I know how to admit to myself when something isn’t working for me anymore. My life is wherever I want to take it. -EaE

“You have to finish what you start, there is no quitting,” one of the many famous lines my parents loved to lecture. They were applying this concept/ value to school, projects, chores, sports, professional development and so on. They both grew up poor – lower middle class with parents that never had enough money. They grew up seeing the consequences of many mistakes and admitted to the mistakes they had made. I am forever grateful for their wisdom, despite the fact that their endless lectures caused me to dissociate into some pretty deep mental states with no return in sight.

I took the value of ‘not quitting’ with me everywhere I went: the military, martial arts, college, writing, relationships etc. Obviously like any value/ rule that is cemented into our survival program, there are times it is absolutely crucial and effective, and times that it causes us to spiral into a slow/ miserable spirit breaking death. Anywhere from being ‘alive’ but in ‘auto pilot’ where nothing feels worth it anymore, all the way to actual death. Yes, sometimes people should quit, so that they are not led to an early grave. The difficulty is how to gauge when something is NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE.

The quote I wrote in the subheading, I would like to pretend that I lived by this quote. I wanted to believe I did, but I’m only just learning, when to actually pick up and walk away from something. Due to my no quitting ‘survival program’, I was led down some pretty self destructive paths, then forced to pull myself out. Sometimes exes harmed and/ or helped, sometimes sports, sometimes family, and sometimes friends. Sometimes I was alone and needed to make the decision for myself. I learned that I am a repeat offender of pushing myself to the limit, and persisting in something way beyond the expiration date. I suppose I am an expert in this topic because I have been a victim of the toxic ‘no quit attitude’ that some of us carry for far too long. Let’s discuss the benefits as well as the trade offs of the classic NO QUIT ATTITUDE.

The Benefits:

  • Your professional development will be spot on, if you don’t quit and apply yourself you can earn degrees, certs, vocational training experience, OJT etc.
  • People will pretend to love you (and for a while it will feel genuine), you will get along with others because you are a person that works hard and has their shit together.
  • You will get to know yourself better as you tackle, and never give up, on difficult projects.
  • You will sharpen your critical thinking skills because your stubbornness and tenacity will far surpass your fatigue.
  • You will most likely be financial stable, stability often requires that we sell our soul to the capitalistic working devil (I still love capitalism, I can’t help it :))

The Trade off:

  • Your creativity will slowly die along with your dreams. Ambition toward difficult worker tasks can often hinder our time for solitude, creativity, self expression etc.
  • You may lose your sense self & identity. Ex: Am I doing this for me? Or because it’s what’s expected? Or because it’s what I was taught to want?
  • Your free time will be so limited that you will likely experience dozens of burnout episodes throughout your adult life.
  • Your family, friendships and intimate partner time will absolutely suffer, it may cause a build up of resentment from those that care about you.
  • You may regret some of the time wasted doing what ‘you were supposed to not quit’ vs the things you actually/ secretly wanted to do all along.

When to Quit:

I believe one of the hardest things for a human to admit to themselves is when they need to quit doing something. The reality is that the more time we invest in something or someone, the harder it is to let it go. This goes for jobs, relationships, hobbies, sports, friendships and so on. We want to see that our hard work wasn’t ‘in vain’ or a complete ‘waste of time’. We equate staying with something or with someone to the very end as a win, and equate ending something to ‘quitting’ and/ or ‘failure’. The reality is, we fail ourselves when we cannot see that it’s time to stop. We fail ourselves when we stay in something for the sake of staying in something despite the mental/ physical/ spiritual damage it is causing us. It is quite simple and also quite hard: You need to quit when you feel your spirit, mental and physical health dying everyday. Some of the signs of this include depression, substance abuse, emotional disconnect, pessimism, feelings of entrapment, crying spells, anxiety, irritability, isolation and so on.

I tell everyone, especially fellow military members back in the day, “only you can know when you are done. Do not let anyone talk you into anything or out of anything.” You personally know when you are done, when something is not serving you anymore or giving you a sense of meaning and purpose. This requires us to listen to our emotions vs our logic sometimes, which is an ass backwards way of looking at something according to most people in America. The reality is, when the emotions go haywire to the point of severe mental distress or suicidal ideation, it is more important that you quit at whatever it is that is harming you, vs ending your life all together just for the sake of not quitting.

Always a work in progress

Elisa A Escalante/ LCSW / 2-17-2021

Ever notice that we seem to change drastically in 5-7 year increments? At least, I would hope so. It’s the growth process, meets new people, meets new environments, takes on new challenges, gains wisdom and so on. Change means growth, growth means change. It’s also terrifying and painful at times. It’s not always easy or possible to see that there is progress even in the most uncomfortable and tragic things that happen to us.

Many people have this dire mental need to feel secure, to have routine, to have trust with those in their lives, to have a sense of purpose and order in the environment they choose to surround themselves with. However, sometimes that order and routine that we worked so hard to establish gets torn a part and shredded to pieces right before our very eyes. Sometimes, everything we thought we knew is suddenly gone, faster than we could even process it.

Will we have all the answers at any point? I’m afraid most likely…. not. Will we get to a point where it’s all figured out and there is no more growth to be had? Again, I hope not! To go unchanged means to no longer welcome growth and progress. Yet we do tend to shy away from these terrifying progressions. They’re discomforting, there is so much anxiety in the unknown.

If you ever found yourself looking at someone and wondering why they refuse to change. Why do they continue to sabotage? Why do they consistently destroy their lives? Why do they stay living in misery? Because progress, though it sounds ideal, forces us to sit in the unfamiliar. On a deep mental level to our very core, most of us hate unfamiliar. This is why you may notice that a large amount of your progress may not have stemmed from a random epiphany, but rather, a rude awakening that came crashing down and forced you to uproot, break away from others, find a new lifestyle, have to explore a whole new sense of purpose etc.

Will there be progress? Will we be able to see it even if it’s right in front of our faces? Well, it all depends on how we measure progress. In terms of mental progress, there is little that society emphasizes on this subject. We tend to measure progress in money, status, reputation, labels etc. Even if those very things are deteriorating our mental health and leading to a downward spiral, if we see it as progress, we may be failing ourselves.

What does mental progress look like?

⁃ Increasing our personal self care

⁃ Gaining insight into our triggers as well as the most helpful coping mechanisms

⁃ Learning boundaries

⁃ Removing the baggage and toxicity from our lives

⁃ New adventures and exploration

⁃ Building meaningful friendships and tightening the bonds with those that love us and care

⁃ Professional development toward a career or subject matter we are passionate about

⁃ Finding ways to laugh

⁃ Finding our balance in all realms: social, spiritual, physical, mental, professional, relational etc

Sometimes people have incredible mental progressions and do not come close to giving themselves credit for it. Why? They’re hung up in status, financial gain, power and/ or labels. When we are not excelling in one area, it does not mean we aren’t making incredible progression in another. In fact, losing in one area can actually equal some gains in another.

Perspective can be incredibly powerful when people are going through the hardest times of their lives. Don’t cave, don’t fold. Even when all hope is lost, I believe that it is curiosity that often will keep a person going beyond so much pain. What’s next in the journey? Where can we progress next? What can we reach for next? Can we learn ourselves well enough to do it better next time? Happy progression, and always remember it involves some level of mental distress through the journey.

Twenty important lessons I learned as a mental health worker

Elisa A Escalante / LMSW / 2-2-2021

1- Every action, behavior, emotion and thought has a story behind it. No matter how much someone doesn’t make sense, they will always make sense after you hear their story in its entirety

2- we are all entitled to as much pain as we want to handle.

3- motivation to change is the greatest predictor that there will be a change, not the severity of the diagnosis or symptoms.

4- not everyone needs an answer, some just need to be heard with zero judgement, which is a huge rarity in life.

5- High expectations are one of the greatest leading causes of both: failed relationships, and internal distress.

6- no one is entitled to hear another persons truth. A person telling you their truth is always an unearned privilege.

7- we are pleasure seekers in a society that often pressures us to cease in seeking pleasure, resulting in a lot of missed opportunities and despair.

8- The people that suffer the greatest emotional disadvantages in life, are those that did not have at least one consistent loving caregiver in childhood.

9- People will always compare themselves to others, and it will be for one of 4 reasons: a- to justify their actions. B- to self pity because they do not have what another person does. C- to magnify their pain above other people’s pain. D- to minimize their pain due to another’s pain being perceived as greater.

10- There are many different types of relationships in “gray” areas that may forever remain hidden and unexplored. Why? Because they are societally forbidden.

11- The majority of pain will stem from either trauma or grief. And grief comes in many forms to include: loss due to death, loss by abandonment, loss of opportunity, lost time, and a lost sense of purpose.

12- nothing is universal. Not social or cultural norms. Not family, not love, not grieving processes, nor how we display our wide variety of emotions.

13- Our values and morals are never truly set in stone. They can change very drastically, especially when confronted with new environments and situations.

14- Our personal experiences and growth often create our perception of the world, which is why it is so hard for one mind to change another.

15- It is actually very easy for people to Lie, even to themselves… especially to themselves!

16- the reason love is so impossible to define is because we all learn to feel it and show it differently. In most cases, we can’t even describe it or make sense of it.

17- consequences can often motivate change, but not always. because there is deep comfort in the familiar, even if the familiar is chaotic.

18- we can argue logic and judgment, but we cannot argue feelings. Feelings go beyond all rationale. People have a right to their own feelings, whether or not they are accepted by others. Also, feelings cannot always be expressed verbally, because they are so deeply complex that they extend far beyond the capacity of language.

19- There truly are no limits over the choices you make. Only potential consequences, which are enforced by laws and rules, which are man made…never definitive.

20- Happiness is never a guarantee and we do not deserve it. It is not a basic human right. It is simply one of many types of emotions, and when we do feel it, we are lucky to have.

Misfit

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 1-11-2021

     Who are you at the party? Are you the life of the party, everyone waits for you as you make your exciting late/ dramatic entrance into the room? Are you the one who comes with someone, so you are not alone? Are you the one in the corner sipping on a drink, waiting for someone to come talk to you? Are you the one that is already with a stranger, getting to know them more intimately, in another room?? Humans need to feel validated and… accepted. Regardless of what we may admit to or say out loud, every bit and piece of our history and sociology confirms that we are social creatures. We need people on a social, psychological, emotional, financial, economic level and so on. These enmeshments/bonds that we create in our lives can often foster positivity as well as deep heartbreak. It’s complicated, we are complicated.

     As many times as people have died from each other’s hands due to horrific wars, community violence and so on, on some level most humans adapt to the fact that we must work together to get things done more efficiently and effectively. Our lifestyles depend on these enmeshments to go as smoothly as possible. Most people agree to adapt to the lifestyle of working for each other vs against each other, especially when we know all too well what type of tragedy a war can bring.

     It’s still so hard, for many to get along. People often identify that as much commonality there is between them and others, there’s also a lot of diversity. Those moments or even chronic episodes in which we may feel that we cannot connect with another human being, no matter how hard we try. We can get emotionally ‘checked out’ due to the burden of trying to fit in to a society that often burns us. We may isolate when it feels particularly destructive, maybe convince ourselves that ‘people are not worth it anymore’, all together. Why can society sometimes make a person feel like ‘they don’t fit in’? Why do people do this to each other? Like an odd form of psychological warfare…? Also, why do we let it get to us, deep down?

     What exacerbates our ‘Misfit Syndrome’?

     Toxic family values/expectations – It seems so innocent, to teach our youth those cliché lines that we were fed growing up. “Be the best”, “second place is first loser”, “mind over matter”, “leave the past in the past and move on” etc. We are preparing them to be those high paced adults in a high paced environment where losing is not an option. Unfortunately, an overbearing fear of disappointing the family yet again, can contribute to anxiety and/ or ambivalence. Common cognitions can include: “Not trying is better than losing”, “no expectations means no disappointment”. If we push people too hard in the family unit, consistently act disappointed in their ‘lack of effort’ or ‘lack of achievement’, they will grow to resent us and often ‘act out’ be doing less. On the other end of the spectrum, they may foster self destructive behaviors in order to ‘people please’ the family and become overwhelmed in perfectionistic personality traits. Both ends of this spectrum are very harmful. All human’s, especially in childhood, need some gratitude and positive reinforcement/ affirmations aimed toward their efforts.

     Blind eye to Bullying + consequential people pleasing/rage – Yes, there are always those kids/ adults that will take it too far. Also, yes, sometimes there are those around us who will neglect it all the while, summing it up to just ‘this is how it is’. ‘Fight back, or deal with the consequences of being a pushover.’ In addition to the toxic family values from up above, there’s also a family value of ‘toxic kindness’ with a lack of boundaries and a ‘NO EXCEPTIONS’ attitude that is instilled in some kids. Unfortunately, this could become harmful because parents may just not know what their child is up against at school and now a days, on social media. If someone is a victim of being bullied as a child, there’s a much higher chance that they will be bullied in adulthood as well. Some adults, like kids, continue bullying. What changes is the approach and tactics used. If someone falls into a school, workplace, family situation in which they are that ‘misfit’, they are susceptible to the most beat downs and therefore a chronic path toward victimhood. In some cases, it can get to a point where rage manifests and lash backs may follow.

Toxic Competition – We want to win so bad, that often we want it at the detriment of others. The idea of ‘being better’ than someone is to show it off, have some witnesses, inflate the ego and move on thinking it meant something. Whether it’s a Spelling Bee, honor roll, a sports win, a promotion over our peers, feeling like the ‘favorite’ mascot child over siblings and so on. There is a healthy way to compete, and there’s most definitely a toxic way to compete. Healthy competition involves collaboration, pushing your family member/ peer as you would want to be pushed. Knowing that the person next to you getting ‘better’, also makes you ‘better’ by default. It’s growth and taking a ‘loss’ doesn’t make you a loser. A loss is still, very much, growth.

     Lifestyle Idealizations – The lifestyle that is most idealized and pushed up to the highest of pedestals, is the lifestyle we (society) must all talk about, aspire to, work toward and settle into. No questions ask! If someone has ever found themselves in a situation where people stare at them as if they ‘have two heads’ just because of something they want to do that doesn’t quite fit the norm, they know what this is about. If we are not aiming toward this ‘American Dream’ (quite dead by now) of a 40+ hour pension with healthcare and retirement plan and popping out babies to provide for and create the ‘picture perfect’ happiness that society is obsessed with, we are wrong. We may be considered a misfit, possibly mentally ill, and to be pitied and judged by those that conform to the ideal. To be healthier in this realm, it is important to remember that nothing is Universal, including our societal expectations. Often, people do not like to admit it, but they are just as clueless regarding life as you are. Period.

     Conclusion

     The reality is, it does not matter which one you are at the party, it doesn’t even matter if you decided to show up that day or not. It does not matter if you are 100% the societal norm or 100% total misfit. What matters is that you are being as genuinely close to who you want to be as possible (and trying not to hurt people to the best of your ability of course!). Why? You can lie to the world, but you cannot lie to your own mind. It wants what it wants and living anything that compromises your true need/ pursuit of happiness (again as long as you aren’t’ hurting people!!!) will harm your spirit. We need acceptance to accept ourselves and vice versa, but we also need to be around the types of people and environments that accept us, as us. This often means tailoring our crowd to fit our needs, while making boundaries with those that refuse our right to self-determination. Somewhere, and in some way, we all fit in.