BOO!!! (Trigger ⚠️ Warning)

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10/31/2022

For Halloween I am going to talk to you about some of the scariest moments of my life. I’m hoping that this can serve as both an outlet for myself as well as some teaching moments for anyone that can relate. Some of these traumas are going to be serious and triggering, but I can assure you that I am absolutely more ‘okay’ than I have been in a long time. Life get’s scary, but I am happy that it get’s balanced out with joy. We are lucky that scary and suffering are fleeting. But, trauma does live with us forever, we must manage it daily. The road to recovery is not someting to take lightly.

MY SCARY Moments:

My Mother used to leave me alone with strangers: My mother was addicted to both Alcohol and Methamphetamine. For years, my memories of her were often long drawn out comas where myself and my older brother had to ‘fend for ourselves’. We fed ourselves, we sought out neighbors that had food. We were very much alone. Cosurvivors. In the three years of our mother having custody, we collectively remember at least 12 different homes. She only stuck around when it was a boyfriends home, but she did not always supervise. Without going into too many details, we (My brother and I) were exposed to traumatizing things. I was physically abused by one of my mother’s boyfriends, I also witnessed molestation. I saw porn too young, I saw people getting intimate in the same room… again, I was way too young. There are accounts from some of my family members on my mothers side where they were afraid for me; they saw me with many daiper rashes, & head lice. I did not receive formal education until I was six and I was behind on reading. My teeth were so rotted by the time I was rescued and brought to my grandmothers, that I required 5 caps… on my baby teeth. I have been terrified of the dentist ever since.

My Brother Attempted Suicide: Yes, the same brother that endured neglect and abandonment & abuse with me developed mental health issues. He reported our bio mother hit him a lot, she never did hit me. This could make all the difference. My rage was implosive vs explosive. I feared my brother for years, his anger got the best of him and he took quite a bit out on me. But I also learned to be a fighter very early on. Unfortunately some of our fights escalated to some very toxic levels. We both had suicidal gestures in our preteen to teen years. We both threatened suicide toward each other. But nothing compares to the scare of almost losing him, when he almost did end his life as a young adult; with alcohol and pills. I am so damn proud of him for making it through everything. Now he is in a happy marriage and has a job he enjoys. He also gave me a beautiful niece and nephew.

I Endured Bootcamp: Bootcamp was stressful and scary! But oddly enough it’s quite comical to think about now. I left my hometown eager to ‘never return’, only to be crying on my first night of bootcamp and thinking to myself ‘maybe my parents weren’t so bad after alll…..’ (My Dad and stepmother). I really had a disdain for my parents at the time, but they taught me to endure everything I had ahead of me. Growing up in a bootcamp type of household can absolutely prepare you for Bootcamp. My father was a marine after all. Bootcamp involves sleep deprivation, starvation, a gas chamber (tear gas), shooting guns, getting verbally abused every single day, getting physically tested to your limits. I remember being put on my face so much during 120 degree weather on asphalt, my hand skin started to burn and peel off. I was threatened to be ‘fired’ from the Air Force and shipped home. (That’s just a mental game they play, but it feels so real in the moment) My whole life flashed before my eyes as I feared the ‘failure’ of returning home with nothing accomplished. But, I DID get through it.

I deployed to a Combat Zone; Afghanistan: My Dad told me many times that Bootcamp has to be HARD, because they are preparing you for WAR. He was right. War is scary. The intrusive memory of walking off of a C-130 with my Ruck sack and stepping onto Afghanistan soil is permanently etched into my memory. What can I say other than we never forget war? I won’t forget my base getting bombed, I won’t forget my combat stress team and I losing a patient to suicide, I won’t forget indirect fire from enemy combatants. I won’t forget seeing the man on a stretcher that died from a mortar attack. I won’t forget when Afghan locals stared at me eerily (while also armed), as they had never seen females with uncovered faces until they worked on a U.S. Military base. I won’t forget dozens and dozens of helicopter rides over combat soil, with the anxiety of knowing Helos get shot down all the time; just 1 week before my first travel, a marine was shot in the neck while midst Helo ride. It was six straight months of off the wall scary things, but we don’t talk about it.

I was a Social worker in Brooklyn during the COVID Pandemic: I was able to go into the pandemic calmly, a war zone prepares you for everything. But my hopelessness and helplessness feelings were exacerbated for the next year or so. I also remember a lot of anger. First off, in NYC, you are going to get COVID. There was never any doubt in my mind that I was destined to get it, and I did. Twice. Taking care of patients through the pandemic; that was the real nightmare. Imagine countless hours, anywhere from 6-8 hours a day of listening to people while their mental and physical health deteriorates freak out and talk about Covid and Trump. All day, everyday, for 1.5 years. In your ear, on the phone, while construction and Demo are going on all around you. I started developing severe migraines. One of my patients died, pnemenia or covid? Or perhaps both. I developed covid symptoms and took time off, I never did get tested. Why not? The hospitals in NYC were so overpacked, I refused to be a part of that problem, since I was young ish and healthy. Also, being a social worker meant helping people through the terror of facing job loss, financial crisis, homelessness and a rise in domestic violence.

I survived Domestic Violence: My Ex fiancé (I’m ashamed to even call him that) took me through the worst three years of my life. I would say 80 percent of that relationship was misery. From experiencing an extreme amount of verbal abuse (he name called, blamed, manipulated), to constantly feeling confused due to his compulsion to pathologically lie. Anyone that has lived with a pathological liar can attest to this: they make you feel insane. You question your reality, also because they will gaslight you on the regular. He had very creative ways to use me, he found my vulnerabilities and exploited them to his advantage. Such as triggering my savior complex. He was even physically abusive a few times (shoved me to the ground, threw things at me). He decided to end the relationship with a beautiful cherry on top: left me for our Martial arts Trng partner (who was also ten years younger than us). He wanted me to stay in NYC & still be in a “casual relationship with him”, I took off back to CA and blocked him. Best decision I ever made.

I experienced a Drug Induced Psychotic Episode: I wont say when, or the exact name of what I took. (As not to incriminate myself) But I will discuss what happened because it’s important to educate the public; I have taken several different drugs to self medicate. And most of the time, nothing awful happened. But, when you take something in a time of mental crisis, that is when you are likely to go too far. I experienced a psychotic break that many refer to as “ego death”. I lost my orientation to who I was, where I was, what time era I was in and more. There was both hallucinations and delusions. I also experienced intrusive suicidal thought, while also fearing death; it was back-and-forth between the two. I am definitely abstinent from this particular substance. No matter what you plan on trying, please please please discuss with a Doctor! (I’ve also sought out substance abuse treatment and I’m not afraid to admit it)

My fantasies of Confrontation

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-24-2022

As a former fawner, pushover, and savior complexed individual, I had many revenge fantasies. Not in a scary way, more so fantasies related to “what I should have told that rude person”. We all have done it, some more than others. And then you have regrets, because you wish once more, that you were not, in fact a doormat. You wish you could be sharp in the moment, maybe even witty. Some of us freeze, and we aren’t capable of standing up for ourselves. Or at least, it takes a long time to learn it how to.

This is most common with children that were meant to be “seen and not heard”. Maybe they were verbally abused or severely punished when they tried to express themselves. Or this could also happen to people that suffered from heavy abuse in intimate relationships; where you can’t anger your abuser… or worse abuse happens.

Either way, the fantasies come. You dream of a world where you can be “that stronger person” capable of shutting an asshole down. This blog is about those fantasies.

To the Person (or people) that:

Called me “fake” and naive when I was in the Air Force–

You called me “fake” because I was “too nice”. For you, kindness and realness do not exist in the same world, clearly. Which is quite sad because you were probably projecting your bad attitude onto me. You called me naive for… what? Because I didn’t speak up? Because I didn’t express myself much at all and therefore, seemed, innocent? That was a ton of assumptions, and you’re quite ignorant for never looking deeper. It would have been easier to just ask me questions. Then maybe you would have figured out I come from trauma and abuse, I was robbed of innocence and the ability to trust. It led me to walk on eggshells around strangers. That wasn’t ‘fake’, that was “fawning”. That was me trying “not to rock the boat” yet again. And in turn, it happened anyways. Because people aren’t satisfied regardless.

Body shamed me throughout a 9 year relationship–

You said I “ate too much like I was a grown man/ body builder.” And that I wasn’t supposed to eat as much as you since I’m “smaller”. You told me it’s either “you or food and I need to make my decision”. You shamed me when you found out what I put in my body. You viewed it as your choice instead of mine. You didn’t deserve me for nine years. Truthfully you had me at my “hottest” years and you never appreciated it. My self esteem just got worse from there. You were a waste of my time. Honestly if you were that vain, you should have been honest from the beginning. Why hold someone hostage and hurt them emotionally through it? You need a reality check. And fast forward five years later, I can’t help but notice you have a gut! That’s called karma.

Dumped me via text message, 5 days after taking my virginity-

If I had known you were going to be a ghost, I would have never let that happen. I chose you of all people to share that precious milestone with under false pretenses. This makes you a liar. I didn’t expect marriage, or forever. But damn that was grimy. And the fact that the day before you sent that text I had my suspicions… I asked you while looking in your eyes: “do you want to break up now” and you looked back at me and said “no”. Then the very next day sent the break up essay through a text, that’s cowardly. I don’t regret any of the harsh things I texted back. I hope you didn’t keep doing that to more girls. I hope the rest of your military career was shit, truthfully.

Called me “lucky” or said “must be nice” while consecutively demeaning my accomplishments-

You know what’s not nice or lucky? Sleep deprivation, no fun time, no parties, no social life. Studying for hours on end, working, while volunteering, while suppressing major depression. Going home to binge eating and crying outbursts, and then repeating the hard work the next day, and acting okay, because you aren’t allowed to “fall apart”. Falling apart is a luxury reserved for people that have freedom and support.

Called me lazy while I worked, schooled, did chores and helped you with your kids-

Was I stepmom of the year? No. I never wanted to be one, but the fact that I still parented better than you did is quite sad. Here’s the facts; you are obviously a gaslighter. Through and though. You projected all your insecurities onto me and had me feeling worthless. You called me lazy because you were lazy. You called me stupid because you were stupid. You acted like I did “nothing right” because you couldn’t do anything right. What really differentiates us besides the fact that I have integrity and you don’t? The fact that I’m not a quitter. You are a coward that uses everyone and everything, and then runs from everything when it gets hard. Jobs, relationships, adult responsibilities and even your own kids. You’re a true narcissist, and I don’t use that word lightly.

Had me feeling like a bad friend despite the fact that I did so very much for you-

I funded your needs when you had nothing. I funded your addiction when you were going through withdrawal, I helped you escape when you felt suffocated. I funded you when you needed legal help. I wasn’t there as much as you wanted, it’s called the military. Again, I didn’t have the luxury of freedom, or time on my side. But it always seemed the more I gave, the more you wanted. And it got quite dangerous and disturbing. You Watching me, trying to track me, possess me (angry when I had a friendship with anyone else), making me feel guilty if I needed a day off; from being your ATM and your personal unpaid therapist. A friendship with too many conditions is not a true friendship, that’s called using people. You lack accountability. And in the end, it’s over because you fail to help yourself, but expect everyone else to do so.

Mental health Internet “Experts” Part 3

It’s been a while but the online mental health advice never stops!

Let’s get right to it!

This is a harmful way of conditioning people to be a pushover or a doormat. Should we really say “ok” to everything? Okay to physical or mental abuse? Okay to being used for our money? Okay to compromising on our boundaries or Non-negotiables? Okay to workplace harassment or maltreatment? Sometimes, moving on is impossible without assertive confrontation and change.
Forget our past? Then how do we learn from our mistakes? Memory has a purpose, perhaps we shouldn’t let it go to waste. Always be positive? What if we’re grieving? Should we force a smile through a trauma or a funeral?
Again, this concept of don’t think or feel and to “keep it moving” makes no sense. We forget that pausing and reflecting has a purpose. This all depends on what the “bad yesterday” was. It could be a lesson. If we don’t learn from those lessons we are doomed to repeat more bad days.
None of these tips are bad. But the advice in totality is bad. Humans are creatures of habit and conditioning. If any person tried to make all these changes at once, they’re bound to spiral into a depression binge after. Goals start small and are better off realistic, feasible and most importantly, sustainable over a long period of time.
What if the negative thought is something that needs to be worked through? Like “I’m so miserable… I need to change”. Forcing positive thoughts will not lead you to creating the objectives and goals that are necessary for a change that can help you in the long run.
Hard times with the opportunity to find ways out can lead to increased resilience. But traumatic times, with no support and a sense of helplessness will cause PTSD. Some trauma does not lead to beautiful transformation unfortunately, sometimes it leads to a chronic mental health condition. Much like the men from this show in the meme! Peaky Blinders.
Or maybe they just don’t want their heart to be ripped out and crushed into a million pieces. Aren’t we supposed to not get with the same type of person over and over again? Also, a genuine person shouldn’t be worried about being held accountable, especially if their intentions in a relationship are pure.

Shit covered Rainbows

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 10-12-2022

“I may not get the rainbows and butterflies and fairy tales, but at least I’ll be able to know that I lived in that honest brutal reality that most people are afraid of.”

        I had a patient that often talked about the ‘screen saver’ of his life. This was a metaphor for what he viewed as what other’s saw of him, from the outside looking in. The screen saver on a computer is often very beautiful and appealing to the eyes. But ‘when you click on the mouse and it vanishes’, he added, ‘you then see all of the documents scattered on the screen monitor and it’s a big fat mess’. He told me that for decades, this was what his life was like. He was a Deacon, he had a wife and kids, and what everyone presumed was a perfect happy family. The reality? His wife had narcissistic traits along with complex PTSD and chronic medical conditions. He expressed she treated him as an ATM machine and withheld sex for years. (Sex was a reward reserved only for if he gave her money or acts of service) She was overprotective of their ‘spoiled kids’, he was not ‘allowed’ to correct their bad behaviors, if he did, he was labeled as ‘mean’. In turn, her differing parenting style caused the kids to cling to her (The cool/ ‘good’ parent) and hate him. The kids grew more spoiled. He did not make enough money to leave the household, despite fantasies to often pick up and run. He was depressed, sex deprived, misunderstood, and often broke due to their ever-increasing demands of his wallet. But he stayed… year after year after year.

     This situation is NOT unique or rare. Honestly, maybe I’m a bit jaded, because for me, all I ever hear is ‘miserably ever after stories’ due to working in mental health. But perhaps, these strained/ discorded family situations are 50/50. Same with friendship stories, same with career stories. The deeper question is, why do we sit in shit, and try to cover it up with rainbows and pretend to be okay? Especially, when it is evident to both others and sometimes ourselves, that we are NOT okay or happy, with anything that’s going on.

     Some people believe that ‘manifesting positivity’ will make everything ‘okay’ again. Like we can ‘will away’ our bad feelings/ responses toward toxic situations: Abusive spouses/ shitty bosses/ toxic family members/ Trauma & grief situations. Or maybe, we can ‘positive ourselves to death’ to the point of being happy in horrible situations. Or maybe, our fake positivity can rub off on our evil abusers, and they will in turn learn to accept us and reward us as we are. But, NO. NO NO NO NO NO, we cannot, and we never have been able to, and we never will be able to. A very harmful thing when it comes to most of us humans, our hopes and fantasies can sometimes lead to our demise. There is always a time to take off those rose-colored glasses and get yourself grounded back into reality.

        I’ve lived a ‘double life’ before. It was not for me. Why did I choose to live it? At the time I felt immense guilt. Like I needed to put another person’s needs above my own. And therefore, I was not living as my authentic self, and I was accepting a life that was NOT for me. Sometimes we fear letting other people down. Sometimes our egos are overinflated, and they cause us to gravitate toward a world that pleases our social circle more than it pleases our individuality. I personally don’t know how people do it for long, keeping up with an exhausting ‘act’, while they brew inside. Sneaking around to live their true selves, while their fake self is what is displayed and projected for the world to see and believe. (The only people that get a pass are people in the LGBTQ circle, because honestly, they fear for their lives and it’s understandable some of them have to hide from Bigots) Married people having affairs for decades, second families, lying and pretending to be this picture-perfect example of monogamy. People staying in careers they hate for decades, making everyone around them miserable, while deep down fantasizing of their dream jobs/ escapes, but never pulling the plug. Friendships that stand the ‘test of time’, but both parties cannot stand each other. Frenemies vs friends.

        If we want to optimize our mental health, it truly starts with knowing yourself, and knowing what you NEED. You will never get the opportunity to do this if you are living your life based on acting, pleasing, self-obligating, or self-sacrificing. You will never be able to do this if you are okay with ‘good enough for now’, or ‘I’ll live through it’ type of mentality while you are suffering every single day. This does not mean, sit, or play around, or goof off because it’s fun either. Why not? Because that too, is a form of suffering. (Nothingness & no sense of purpose or identity) This means deep self-exploration, this mean’s doing the hard work of tuning into your … gasp…. ‘Useless annoying emotions’. There are messages you may be ignoring from your inner therapist. Do you want to live in a true rainbow or shit? Nothing is ever perfect, suffering is guarantee just as much as happiness is. But, there are certainly lifestyles that are NOT suited for you, and certain lifestyles that will flow very naturally for you.

       So, what happened to the patient with the screen saver life? He did receive couples counseling off and on for many years, which proved to be useless. Because it takes two, and only he wanted real change, the wife was content with the shit covered rainbow marriage. They sent off their oldest child to college, they flunked their first semester with his GI Bill… what a sad waste. He did push his kid to switch to a more appropriate major, which they did reluctantly and started to do better; but with little gratitude for the fact that it was ‘free college’ for them, off the sacrifices of their combat Vet father. The patient also finally switched professions and found a career path that they loved, and the joy of leaving the house more often and getting away from the wife was helpful. Did they ever divorce? I have no clue. I ended up taking off and pursuing my rainbow: Back to SoCal!

        My Shit covered rainbows included: A mundane/ boring relationship, an abusive relationship, a long-term abusive friendship, a career as a trauma therapist (I was good, but the triggers were overbearing) Living in NYC! (Enough said there) Trying my best to hit those twenty years of Air force service toward retirement. I fell short and hit ten years, and honorably separated. When it’s over it’s over. I tried starving myself for a good couple of years back in the day, I looked ‘hot’ and received TONS of compliments, but I couldn’t hear them over the relentless growling of my stomach. I pursued an MMA career once upon a time…. (Who was I kidding?? I absolutely despise being a spectacle on a stage for people to gawk at). But, it’s like my old social work colleague used to always tell me: “It’s just as important to find out what you don’t want to do, as it is to find out what you do like”. That line makes more sense the older I get. Enjoy the journey! And please try to wipe that SHIT off your rainbow! 😊

FriYay Gratitude

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 09/30/2022

Anyone that has major depression can relate; Gratitude feels impossible. Our brain is lacking seretonin, and therefore we lack energy and motivation, and therefore we may not hunt for endorphins as we are supposed to. If we pay attention to the biopsychosical model, there is even more to it than that. Even our thoughts count. Depression involves the Bio- our brain chemicals, the Psychological- our thoughts, and the Social- Our environment: toxic or peaceful?? Then on top of that; stigma. It’s quite interesting how people perceive mental health. Some people want to believe their mental illness is “Purely a chemical imbalance” and no other factors contribute. Then on the other end of the spectrum, some people refuse to believe they have any type of chemical imbalance, and insist they can ‘Fight their way out of mental illness, if they just try and fight hard enough…it WILL get cured’.

I truly digress… this blog is not about depression, it’s about managing my depressive thoughts and practicing gratitude. Gratitude is a very helpful part of daily practice that can tame our depressive thoughts, but I will admit; it takes a very long time to get to this point. People with major depression have a lot of inner and outter work to do, and it cannot be rushed. Now that my life has calmed a bit in the past year, I am in this place where I can practice daily gratitude.

My FriYay Gratitudes:

Weekends are Life savers: Though they tend to go by so fast, I have been making sure that I use some of my weekend time to decompress. On one hand, many Americans compulsively use weekends to play ‘catch up’, I was no exception. But now I must INSIST, I deserve some decompression time and I will make it happen. Walks, TV, music, writing outlets, lounge outside on the hammock, long showers or bubble baths, clear my head of responsibilities. I have a Monday through Friday type of career, always have, and always will. Hoepfully, even if you do not have that type of schedule, you find a job that does give you at least a couple days off a week! Serving in the military allowed me to appreciate days off even more, they were not guarantee while I was serving, especially when deployed.

I have a Job that Pays descent and is NOT awful: What’s worse than having a job that sucks and really stresses you out? A job that sucks, is stressful and also doesn’t pay you what you are worth. but I am finally in a job that pays me my worth, has a mix of some stressful days but also some relaxed days. Can I really ask for anything better? Now, it took me 14 years of professional development to get to this point, but I am happy I learned more about myself through my work journey. I am so greatful that I stumbled upon this career opportunity in which I knew very little about (behavioral health consulting for a primary care clinic) and I fit right in.

I’m in a safe relationship… Finally!: My past relationships were complicated to say the least. And in the interest of my own personal accountabiltiy, I would say the main issue right off the bat was not understanding myself well enough to know what was even good for me. This all changed after surviving narcissistic abuse (2018-2020). I took a good chunk of time to do inner work, (and casual dating to practice more boundaries). Feeling safe in a relationship is imperative, but if you’re a survivor of abuse, it may throw you off at first. A part of finding someone that is safe for you, is creating both non negotiables and boundaries that remain consistent. And despite popular belief, the single most IMPORTANT aspect to finding an intimate partner is: Making sure they actually do, in fact, CARE about you. This does NOT get proven with what is said or promised, but rather, with consistent actions they make toward building a loving relationship over time. ❤

The weather where I live is NOT making me ill: NYC was making me ill, not just mentally but physically. I recall getting sick 3 times every Winter, between Jan & March. And not short bouts either, sickness that put me on my ass for days. That all changed the moment I got back to the desert in SoCal, honestly, my body felt comfortable immediately. I did have to readjust to extreme heat, but since I grew up in this environment, it was way easier to adjust. It amazes me how little people pay attention to environmental factors, and that is the bread and butter of social work. If your environment is toxic toward you, you will never be at your optimal mental health. I am grateful to be in a slow/ steady and calm environment, with a low population & ‘great’ weather for my body.

I can now, finally give myself breaks without feeling ashamed: The issue with any person that feels the need to either overcompensate or avoid by overpacking their work / hobby schedules is that they cannot slow down. If they try to slow down, they are immediately haunted with anxious and/ or shame thought patterns. “I’m not doing enough, “I’m being lazy”, “I have to”, “I should”, “I must”, “I need to”. To successfully break the thought patterns, we must use daily thought reframing. I am finally ‘guilt free’ when it comes to taking breaks. Humans need rest and recovery, it’s a part of life, plain and simple.

I’m in close proximity to family again: Even when I’m exhausted and dreading social encounters, I can honestly say I never regret it afterwards, especially with my immediate family. I spent 13 years away from my hometown due to my military and college careers as well as my first civilian career. It’s been time to catch up and it’s been warming. There’s something about talking with those that have known you the longest and seen you through a lifetime of journeys.

What is your Friyay Gratitudes? Feel free to comment below!

Success is Miserably Boring, Most of the Time

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 9-7-2022

       “You’re so lucky”

       “Those types of things just don’t happen for me”

       “Things come so easy for you…”

       “Must be nice!”

        When you earn success, you may hear those lines quite frequently. And as you hear them you may recall memories that contradict these sayings. Such as the memories of sitting at home with your nose in books, and hands hurting while you push the pen to paper, while everyone else is at parties. The memories of being miserably sober while others get plastered and escape. The memories of having no time to decompress because your goals require constant and consistent effort. Luck and privilege do exist, but it’s important to distinguish the difference. An example of privilege is being born into wealth. An example of luck is randomly coming across a 100-dollar bill as you’re casually walking from work to home.  Putting in years of consistent work and effort to achieve something, however, is NOT luck or privilege; that is called earning. And since this blog has been notoriously about mental health, guess what I am going to talk about today? The behavioral and mental requirements that are needed to work toward success. It’s important to note, that since success in this country may often go hand in hand with money and/ or resources, we have been socially conditioned to believe that success appears to be ‘fun and lavish’. But that could not be further from the truth. To work toward success, requires that our average day to day life, be quite boring.

           The Pursuit of Success requires:

Hopes/ Dreams, then Goals: It really does start with hopes and dreams. And therefore, the process of success isn’t’ the only thing that is hard, but getting started, is the HARDEST part. Because to hope and dream requires us to ‘yearn’ for something more than what we have. In the process of yearning, it is very normal for other emotions to come up: sadness, shame, envy, self-pitying etc. For how can we ‘make this dream’ into a reality? Are we capable? Well, the answer is we do not have any clue unless we try. How do we try? We must make a goal, and then develop a plan of action to try to achieve it. Many of my clients have expressed that even the simple act of making a goal causes anxiety. Common thoughts that may come up: “What if’s”, “I can’t do it”, “I could fail” etc. This process requires us to deal with many intrusive thoughts caused by our deepest-rooted insecurities, and the hard work of reframing/ fighting those thoughts.  

Plan of Action:  when the Goal is made and clearly defined (Google SMART goals as a reference), we then need to create our timeline of objectives to achieve the goal. This requires analytical thinking as well as logistical awareness. ‘A goal without a plan is just a dream’, as many have quoted in the past. This could look like physically typing out or writing ‘short term mini goals’ within the next few months that can help you get started and stay on track.  This process requires us to often work backwards. For example:  When I decided I wanted to earn my LCSW, this required me to get an LMSW, which required me to get a master’s in social work. A masters requires a bachelor’s first, the bachelors meant I needed to become a transfer student after I separated from the Air force, that required me to apply to colleges. This goal required me to get started on my plan of action roughly 8 years before my goal was accomplished. I started applying to NY colleges in late 2013, I earned my LCSW in Feb of 2021. And everything between those time periods was work, plan, work plan and more work.

Consistency and Monotony:   As stated above, work, plan, work, plan, and more work. It’s never ending. Success requires consistency and monotony. This is BORING. This is the reason many people do not complete goals. There are many instances where you may find yourself a quarter to halfway into a goal, and then you stop. Why? Many reasons. You could lose your passion for it, you could lose the funds, you could get discouraged when things do not go as smoothly as you hoped, you could get distracted by something that gives you instant gratification vs delayed. This is what weeds out the ones who ‘truly want something’ vs the ones that do not. To get through this part of the success process, we must have an unconditional acceptance that working toward goals, requires us to do many things that are NOT fun or appealing.

Filtering: In the route toward success, as stated above, one of the things that could break up our patterns of consistency is called ‘distractions’. To get rid of distractions, we are required to filter. This looks like: Placing boundaries on people in our lives that often encourage us to engage in irresponsible behaviors that do not align with our goals. We are also required to recognize our own personal ‘vacuums’ that make us lose track of time and/ or resources, such as: smart screens, video games, TV, shopping/ gambling/ substance abuse habits etc. Another important thing to filter? BAD ADVICE. Bad advice get’s thrown at us on the regular, but the best way to filter it is to not share your goals with too many people, ONLY people that you would consider a ‘mentor’. How do you know if someone can be a good mentor? When they know MORE about the topic than you, based on solid evidence.

Adaptability:   Adaptability is crucial, because in the path toward success, we will surely encounter barriers and obstacles. Money could run out. We could fail at one of the objectives, we may not have as much time as we thought to get toward a specific deadline. Many emotional meltdowns will take place, and sometimes these can be our ‘defining moments’, or the moments we call at quits. Yes, I have lived paycheck to paycheck. Yes, I have been ‘up to my eyeballs in debt’. Yes, I was almost dropped from all courses due to my bill not being paid on time and was almost set to NOT graduate until a semester later… until I took out a loan.  Yes, I have almost failed a class and made the decision to ‘drop’ it instead to save my GPA. Yes, I almost failed another class, and consulted with a teacher and gave it my all just to earn a C-. Yes, the military suffocated me to a point I wanted to quit, except I wasn’t allowed to. Yes, I have been in jobs I found out later that I hated and had to look around to find a role better suited for me. Yes, I have ‘ugly cried’ on my way to and from work, and even during work. Adaptability means, we may change courses, but it does not mean we quit. It means having the ability to ‘not catastrophize a temporary setback’.

Interpersonal & Intrapersonal Skills:    We are social beings by nature, we cannot work around this. And a part of being a good worker means having the skills to self-regulate, take accountability for mistakes, empathize, collaborate, compromise and more. We need to work well when no one is watching, and we need to work well with others. Many people will express not wanting to put in effort if there is ‘no gain’. However, there is always gain when you put in good work. Some gain does not come back to you until many years later. Our incredible work leads to a great work reputation, and a great work reputation leads to more opportunities. If you happen to have a coworker that is putting together a side Hussle and they are looking for others to get in on it with them, who do you think they will choose to network with? The person who is always late and shows up with a ‘bad’ attitude? Or the person who is punctual, responsible, friendly and demonstrates good work ethic? Your reputation and references will follow you wherever you go, so to have success also requires us to do our best work, most of the time, even when ‘no one is watching’.

Patience:  The quest to success can absolutely become addicting, but unlike a drug, it is not immediate. Patience will always be required. Yes, I have done a lot of work for free. This includes volunteering, this includes unpaid social work internships during college, this includes consultations/ collaborations with other professionals regarding entrepreneurship opportunities. This includes countless hours toward advertisement efforts after my book was published. Also, the military does not pay overtime, regardless. I still have not earned a single cent toward this blog, yet I will continue to write. Patience also means recognizing when you need breaks. Because your optimal physical and mental health will be required. It can make the difference between doing a ‘half assed’ job vs doing a great job.  

Conclusion: I hope this was beneficial, please feel free to comment ways in which you have attained success! And also, Happy BDAY to ME, I turn 33! (On Sept 12th) If you would like to give me a present, please share this blog. 😛

High Functioning, but Mental

Elisa A. Escalante /LCSW / 08-24-2022

“Functional mental illness is just a fancy way of saying ‘I can do my job pretty well, but it comes at a high cost to my mental and physical being.  I’m Sacrificing’”

There is about 2-3 days a week where my brain feels as if it is ‘frying’ by the end of the workday. At least once a week; a full-blown headache.  Everyday of the week I wake up extremely exhausted due to hypersomnia, and 4-5 days out of the week I experience anywhere from mild to severe depressive symptoms: lethargy, low mood, slow movement, negative affect, pessimistic thinking patterns. Several times a month, I experience intrusive trauma memories and secondary symptoms of trauma such as: nightmares, poor concentration, hyper aroused state, irritability, and a tendency to isolate or shut the world out. Several days a week I have a compulsion to engage in either my eating addition or eating disorder; binge, obsessive workouts, restrict, self-shame/ hatred. And lastly, I am an addict. I want to fall back on drugs to alleviate my symptoms, but I take a very helpful medication most nights of the week that curbs these addictive tendencies…. Most of the time.

       If someone were to ask me what my ‘functional mental illness’ looks like, I guess this is the best way to describe it. I work a full-time job, for most of my life 18 and up I have, and it does come at a cost to my mental and physical health. Jobs really suck in that way, sadly, sometimes families do too. If you ask the average American why they ‘cannot get their mental health under their control’, it could very well likely be environmental pressures/ factors that contribute to the stress. Or at the very least, do not allow them enough time off to afford them the luxury of healing or self-care.

       As a social worker, I am up against the world. There isn’t just one enemy, everything can/ is an enemy to some extent. Traumatic life events, poor economy, social pressures, politics, toxic people, terrible work conditions, poverty, domestic violence, discrimination, day to day hassles Etc. And then, all the mess that may be going on ‘on the inside’, the ‘junk in our minds’. Using the ‘biopsychosocial model’ I will ask an important Question: “What do you believe happens when you get an individual that is: (bio) biologically susceptible to mental illness due to genetics, (psycho) has predisposing trauma, grief and/ or stressors, and (social) has a dangerous and harmful community?” (Meaning dangerous home life and or neighborhood/ school) Answer: You likely get someone with moderate to severe mental health concerns.

       The message to deliver today: Stop hating on yourself because you happen to have mental illness while working. There is a good chance you are doing your best. Or maybe, you are learning to do better through therapy and self-reflection. The point is, it’s very very hard. It’s grueling sometimes. If anyone wants to try to make you feel guilty or ‘crazy’, they are the problem sometimes. The world is full of ‘healthier’ people that like to invalidate the feelings/ stress of those that suffer. They do nothing for us on a learning standpoint. The point is, learning to help ourselves become a bit ‘more functional’. What’s the recipe? What’s the anecdote?  LONG TERM DAILY SYMPTOM MAINTENANCE!  

      Let’s do ourselves a quick favor and check in with our daily balance using a holistic biopsychosocial approach:

Today did I FULFILL MY:

Physical Needs: Eating, sunshine, cold time, movement, hydration, adrenaline (fun/ joy/ endorphins), breathwork, body hygiene

Mental Needs: Mindfulness, quiet time, professional development/ work, Solitude, engaging in meaningful conversation, logical thinking activities

Emotional Needs: Crying, aggression channeling, venting, journaling, receiving validation, problem solving relief

Spiritual needs:  Prayer, comfort activities, nature time, religious practices, activities that feed your ‘soul’

Relational Need: Talk, acts and receipts of service, physical touch, acceptance, gratitude, quality time with loved ones

Financial Needs: Covered essentials, keeping up with debt, establishing savings

Conclusion: The Human Robots

      Humans can become robot like in nature. This is when societal demands condition us to overproduce to a point of forgetting to ‘check in with our needs’. How will you know when you are in this ‘robot mode’? Likely, you will know if you are not addressing the needs from my list above. If those needs are neglected, you have a much higher likelihood of approaching a mental health flair up or crisis. Check in and take care of yourselves.

Manipulated

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 8-15-2022

Red flags? Abuse? Manipulation? What does it all really mean? And how can we distinguish between mistakes and cruel intentions? Here’s one of the more important things to pay attention to: Themes and patterns. A fact of life is that we will all accidentally hurt people, and we will also get hurt by others sometimes. The key to knowing if something is intentionally manipulative or harmful is to pay attention to the patterns. Are they consistently hurting and abusing the people around them? Do they have a history of harming others? Do they continue to act as if they can or will change, but the pattern continues? Also, are most encounters with them highly stressful/ harmful? Not all abuse and manipulation are the same, there are different degrees. In today’s blog, I want to break down different forms of manipulation and what to look out for. This is yet, another topic that should be taught in primary education and/ or in our family households, but it often gets missed. (These tactics can be used in intimate relationships, family relationships, work relationships and/ or friendships)

Love Bombs- Love bombs should be the first topic, as this is the first thing some abusive people may do so that they can reel you in. Love bombing coaxes the ego, love bombing makes a person feel like they are on top of the world. When someone is extra loving toward us in what feels like ‘an unrealistic way’. Such as, they pretend you are ‘perfect’, void of flaws, and seem to put you on a pedestal, this can be alarming. All logic may go out the window because it might be like a ‘high’ you have never felt before. Sadly, this is when you need logic more than ever. A love bomb will never last. If it’s fake, then you must be concerned about who this person will become when the love bomb phase is over. It isn’t the real them, and it takes patience and time to get to know someone. Someone showing short term fake love bombs will not give you a hint to who the person is. Wait for the explosion to clear and the dust to settle….

Guilt Tripping- If you have an ‘extra guilty conscious’ then you will be extra susceptible to manipulation by guilt trips. How does one understand this about themselves? Were you raised with a lot of obligation? Were you the peacemaker of your household? Or, were you the scapegoat of the household? Do you find yourself with extreme compulsions when someone needs rescuing? Guilt tripping is a very easy tactic to use when you use it on someone that already has a guilty conscious. They will likely cave. Have you ever noticed anyone with a pattern of pushing responsibilities onto you? Somehow you are ‘responsible’ for their life, and they keep throwing more guilt and responsibilities your way? Do you find yourself now somehow responsible for someone’s livlihood, happiness and more? Are they ever satisfied? Watch out for this pattern. You may be a victim of guilt tripping.

Triangulating- Some people are set on putting others against each other. It could be jealousy; it could be a deeper ulterior motive. When you notice someone consistently trying to meddle in between other people’s relationships, this is an indicator of manipulation. Whether it be gossip, lies, trying to salvage, or destroy further, other relationships, this is NOT a happy person. Triangulators want to destroy your impression before you get the chance to make it. This can sabotage your future ties/ relationships.

Stonewalling (The Silent Treatment)- When people go quiet, it could be that they grew up in a silent household that forced them to cope inward. But, if you notice that a person tends to go conveniently quiet when they are caught doing something wrong, they may be using it as their last-minute tactic to relieve themselves of accountability. How does this work? If silence is more painful for you than it is to live life not getting your truth, you may then cave to the silence and forgive them. Silence can trigger those with abandonment and neglect traumas especially. So be on the lookout if that applies to you. If this has become a norm/ pattern for you in your relationship(s), you are likely being stonewalled.  

Ghost Teleporter- Ghosting is a new sad reality of life. Especially for those that online date. But ghosting can offer a simpler explanation vs a ‘ghost teleporter’ as I call it. Ghosting means you never hear from a person again, ever. There’s your answer. It really does hurt, but it is closure. Ghost teleporting means they poof & vanish, and then weeks to months later, poof! They are back! Miraculously! Sometimes they talk to you as if they never left… extra strange. Or some ghost teleporters will have some extravagant excuses/ lies: They were ‘jailed again’, they were injured or sick. They ‘lost their phone’, and oddly enough, all other means of access in this Tele-Saturated world.  Shady and sketch. The Ghost teleporter didn’t want you, at all. But after weeks to months of failing with all other dating prospects they had, they decided to cycle back around to their ‘second fiddles’. Don’t take the bait! If they are extra hot, just remind yourself of this simple fact: ‘They are, very obviously; a liar.’

Gaslighting- Despite popular mainstream belief, just because someone does not agree with you, does NOT make them a gas lighter. Gaslighting is a very specific manipulation tactic in which an abuser makes their victim ‘question their own reality and sanity’. They make them feel ‘crazy’. How? They will literally manipulate the truth or deny it completely. For example, when my ex-fiancé had shoved me to the ground, and afterward denied it and said, “I just touched you, and you fell over”, that’s gaslighting. Or even after the fact, when I mentioned he did it right in front of his son to highlight how alarming his behavior was, he then stated: “He wasn’t there, he didn’t see it”. Also, if you suspect they may be cheating, all the way down to naming the ‘other person’ that you suspect, and they say “No, you are crazy”, (Sadly this happened to me twice) but you find out later you were correct all along… yup. They Gas lit the hell out of you!

Deflection- To deflect means to let all accusations, punishments, or opportunities for accountability to bounce off you or roll past your head completely. Deflection is an invisible suit of rubber bands. You will know someone is an expert deflector when it appears they are ‘never wrong’. They do no wrong, they account for no wrong, the moment you make them feel wrong they relieve themselves of it, period. A deflector does not know how to say they are sorry. A deflector refuses to accept the adult responsibility of self-reflection and change.  

Moving Goal Posts- Have you ever worked so hard to meet someone’s ‘impossible standards’, only to meet it 100 percent, and suddenly, they change what they want? You cook their perfect meal for them, suddenly, they are now ‘Keto’, or Intermittent fasting. You get to the ‘sexy weight’ they wanted you to be at, suddenly, your body isn’t ideal for whatever else reason. What’s going on?? Why are your efforts in vain? Well, because they are grooming you. They are grooming you to consistently meet impossible standards. Why? They are selfish. They want you to exhaust yourselves for them, while they live in a delusional reality that they have no goal posts to meet. It’s only ‘you’ that needs to work on you, for them. Sometimes this manipulation tactic is disguised with phrases of: “I just want you to be the best version of you”. Rest assured, if you are exhausted and feeling worthless, you are not being ‘the best version of you’. You are sacrificing your physical and mental health for an abuser.

Puppy dogging- I have known people who are guilty of this tactic, I have also had many friends fall victim to it. And I am not talking about the simple urban dictionary definition in which a male is ‘Simping’ over a girl and doing what she wants. Puppy dogging knows no gender. I’ll just go ahead and break this down into metaphor. If someone seems to be holding you on a leash, but keeping you at bay, they may be puppy dogging you. Every now and then they call you back over to them to feed you treats and inflate your ego, but then they push you away again. You are ‘NOT allowed to go away from them all together, you are leashed’! But you cannot be too close to them, unless you are ‘summoned’. This pattern is what I call puppy dogging. It’s a way for your manipulative partner/ or ‘friend’ to gain what they want to gain from you, without the extra responsibility of taking care of your needs. It’s a ‘one sided’ relationship.

Playing the Victim 24/7- No one is a victim, always. Some people may often feel like a victim if 1- They are right now or 2- they have been a victim, and now they have PTSD, and everything around them is triggering intrusive trauma reminders. But again, no one, not even trauma survivors, are victims always; 24/7. We all hold, at least in adulthood, some level of power or right to decision making. If you happen to come across someone that likes to use the line “All my exes are crazy”, they are playing the victim. Likely, they are ignoring what they did to contribute to their ex ‘going crazy’ and running away from their personal accountability. 24/7 victims will often be seen blaming others for all their life stressors. They may use extreme lines like: “I NEVER get lucky”, “That will never happen for me”, “A gray cloud follows me” etc etc. Now, how does this tactic work? It works best on those that have savior complexes. People that feel a compulsion to rescue victims. People that feel they need to help the less fortunate. If you happen to have a friend or intimate partner who is ‘always a victim’, they are misleading you. Do not enable anyone, if anything, empower them and/ or leave them alone.

Toxic Conditioning

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 8-8-2022

It’s no secret that us humans are being conditioned toward lifestyles that may appeal to the masses, especially the rich people up top, that love to keep us productive so that we may help them get richer. There are other reasons too, especially on smaller scales. Parents want to condition their children so that they behave well enough in the household and in society as to not get hurt, hurt others, or make the ‘parent lose their minds’ over time. Individuals may condition their intimate partner to constantly ‘meet their needs’ and fill their voids. Managers and supervisors must condition the employees to get the job done well and in a timely manner. Overall, the purpose of conditioning humans is to make sure specific needs/ wants/ desires get met. Whether it is for profit needs, for productivity needs, or for emotional fulfillment needs. Why am I writing about this? Sometimes, conditioning can become toxic. Conditioning can lead people toward paths that are not only not good for them, but dangerous for their mental health and livelihood. Let’s look at some of the most common social conditionings in the U.S. and why they may be destructive for the average person’s mental health.

“Happily Ever After”

        First, it’s important for people to accept the fact that ALL EMOTIONS ARE FLEETING. There is no such thing as feeling any emotion permanently and forever. (At least not in our organic human organism world; maybe in an afterlife one can hope) Not only are emotions fleeting, but we have a wide range of emotions that serve us in specific ways. That being said, why are we trying to sell this myth of happily ever after? Perhaps adults believe that if we sell this to children, they will dream and aspire for that life and gain a sense of purpose through that ‘journey’ toward what they believe achieves happiness. The classic phrase: “The pursuit of happiness” is a more accurate statement. We can pursue joy but we cannot live in it forever. In mental health sessions, I see where this conditioning is harmful to individuals. When people express ‘I’m still not happy, I’ve tried everything”, or “This is not what I thought it would be” (because they thought they would feel happy always) what they are saying is that they are unhappy because their real life does not match the ‘life they dreamt up in their mind’ based on the expectations they were fed, and then hoped for. It’s also fed to us in fairy tales regarding marriage, the Ups and downs are never portrayed, just a sense of happiness forever, and then… the end. (Disney can’t show us the rest of the story because they even know it’s B.S.)

“The American Dream”

           I’m no historian, so I will just discuss my take on ‘The American Dream’, which continues to get questioned to this very day. The American dream is the concept of achieving that ‘cookie cutter’ happy home that we have seen in some popular fictional TV shows. This includes a nice stable income with a job you enjoy, a descent looking/ sized house/ a happy family etc. It’s sold not only as the ideal lifestyle, but one that most everyone should aspire to or else there is something inherently wrong with how they think as well as what drives them. Now, many are choosing different types of dreams, and different ways to make a living. There are still some people that stigmatize those that do not fit that “American Dream” image. There are many that will inner criticize themselves for not getting the “American Dream” by a certain age. Or getting it, only for it to slip away years to decades later. (Shame plagues those that lost their jobs, marriages, and/ or homes) The American Dream does not offer a whole lot of flexibility, especially in a recession! It requires a very clear-cut path that many are not suited for, nor does everyone want this. Let’s cut this out and expand our worldviews.

“You can do anything you set your mind to”

        Can I jump off a cliff and fly with just my human body alone?  Absolutely not! (Again, not in this organic biological world anyways) We, humans, can’t cancel out gravity. We cannot slow down our human biological clocks. (time) We cannot control everything, or do everything, we cannot be everywhere, and we cannot manifest something into reality. What we can do, is create goals/ objectives and plans. We can be future oriented, we can have purpose, we can hope, dream, and aspire to. Some of will accomplish meaningful things, and some of us will accomplish quite extraordinary things, but none of us can do ‘anything’ we set our mind to. Also, what if your mind was set to accomplish something that is impossible for you?  What if it puts you into a world of self-sabotage? It’s quite sad to see some people exhaust their energy into a realm that is not giving back to them, while neglecting their strengths and how they can achieve in more practical ways, that put less toll on them mentally/ physically. If someone finds themselves putting their all into achieving something, but they get nothing back except heart ache and depression, it may be time to ‘set your mind to’ a healthier path.

“Find that Dream Job!”

         Finding ‘The Dream Job’ mentally set’s us up to not appreciate the job we have now. Jobs aren’t about dreams. They are about earning income that can provide stability, and sometimes, they aid us by providing us a sense of purpose. Over the course of our lives, hopefully, jobs are like building blocks where we can build upon our skills to gain better overall skills. As our job performance and wisdom improve overtime, hopefully we get closer and closer to a job we do love. A lot of this also requires us to go through the growing pains of jobs we hate. We have to also learn what is ‘not for us’ by trying it out and seeing that it, in fact, ‘is not for us’. I’ve seen some clients and/ or friends alike ‘hold out’ for that dream job, just to suffer while broke and stubbornly not want to ‘accept anything less’. We waste both time and emotional energy if we get stuck into a pattern like that. This phrase should really be: “Journey through work to find a job you like/ tolerate because it helps you build meaning while, also keeping you funded and secure during your off hours too”. I guess that reality sounds a lot less extravagant than “Find your dream job” …oops!

“If they love you, they will ___________”

         We’ve all heard lines like this, and often, they set us up to sabotage a perfectly healthy and/ or meaningful relationship. Some expectations are healthy and reasonable, and some are truly irrational and/ or up for interpretation. “If they really loved me, they would take care of me” (financially and/ or emotionally) “If they love me, they will put up with my bad side too” (Even when/ if the ‘bad’ side is abusive….?) “If they love me, they will want me around them, and want to be around me all the time” and all the other unhealthy things we may convince ourselves of.

      Love is felt, more than it can be verbalized. What I mean, is that every human interprets love differently, feels love differently, and shows love differently. Someone else’s definition of love cannot and should not be your template. EVER. PERIOD. In therapy, when someone wants me to help them “WILL” another person into loving them, it’s a BIG red flag and will lead to a difficult time of supportive confrontation toward my client. When someone decides to determine that their abuse is their abuser’s version of ‘love’ toward them, that’s also heartbreaking.

     Love is a feeling and a chemical connection. Attaching expectations and rules to feelings/ chemicals is bound to create some let down. We cannot put emotions in a box.

Why so Offended?

Elisa A. Escalante/ LCSW/ 8-1-2022

“Judgmental people are always the worse violators of what they’re trying to preach against.” -EaE

With technological advancements, especially during the onset of the pandemic, I found myself doing some heavy research. This research involved exploring the comment section under any type of meme, news, comment (etc.), that I knew was considered a controversial topic. I wanted to read how people argued. Why? I wanted to get a sense of what is important to people; What is the hot topic, what is offensive and why? More importantly, I wanted to understand why people felt the way they felt about certain topics, I wanted their story that led them to those beliefs. I wanted to search for the middle grounds of truth between all the arguments. I wanted perspective from personal life stories. I wanted something above and beyond research and statistics; hearing people out is often the realest type of research we can get. I do not believe that this is easy research at all. Being able to not react even when I have my own personal views was quite hard at times. But, when I put on my therapist hat, I can remove myself from the equation and see a lot from a neutral lens. It takes unconditional acceptance, to grasp the reality that we will not always see eye to eye. Even when I feel right, I could be wrong. How many people can admit that fact?

         Here’s where I felt different: When someone disagrees with a viewpoint of mine, I am not ready to go on a preloaded argument with regurgitated ‘facts’ I read from sources that agree with my viewpoint. I am not putting on my keyboard warrior armor and ready to clash it out to the point both of us are angry and still, no one’s mind has changed. THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME. I do believe, that out of everything I learned, the most crucial thing I learned was this: The average human is terrible at 1- arguing, 2- getting their point across 3- and most importantly: LISTENING. I hated to have to say it to friends, family members and acquaintances, but many of them were wasting their time and energy on these politically heated arguments. And no…. not because it’s not ‘important topics’, but rather, it wasn’t constructive, how anyone chose to talk/ argue about it. Now, how do we know when an argument is constructive? I would venture to say when it leads to a helpful outcome such as: 1- a problem was resolved 2- knowledge was built 3- and/ or someone felt heard/ validated or empathized with. If those things are not happening during your average argument, you are likely wasting your time/ breath.

               Why do people get so offended?

        People get offended for many reasons. Sometimes it’s when something insults their intelligence or worldview. It’s also normal to get offended when a topic makes us uncomfortable and we then have the compulsion to deflect, and/ or we move into our primal fight or flight responses. We may get offended when we feel threatened, either physical, mentally, or spiritually. The truth is all humans will get offended sometimes. What differs is the level of threat we may feel depending on where we lie on the spectrum of trauma, as well as how we will then choose to react after we are offended. And it will not stop there, because there is likely a whole other person on the other end of this topic, that is also unpredictable in how they were wounded and how they will react. I believe there is a crucial millisecond between what happens to us, and how we will react that we need to learn to pause and live in longer. If we can pause, the single most important question we need to ask ourselves first (before reacting) is: “Why am I so offended by this right now?” I believe also that you should work to find those answers within yourself before you start to react. This approach is not something I made up; many therapists would agree because this fits perfectly with one of the most successful evidence based therapeutic interventions in the world: Cognitive behavioral therapy.

               What is a constructive way to teach and/ or learn?

So, for those that want help, if they can learn to pause, then what? Where does all that anger energy go? What’s a more constructive approach? Note, I am not telling people to sit in silence and stew and or to be in denial about the issues in the world around us. What I am suggesting, is that we do not make a situation worse by falling into the vicious cycle of where this media circus has been trying to take us. It’s also important to see outrage for what it is sometimes: Avoidance of your true inner self, and your true inner emotions/ insecurities. Being constructive in how we approach debating and learning means to: 1- be self-aware 2- Take pauses/ take time to inner reflect 3- Listen empathetically 4- Learn to pick our battles 5- Be either: Learning and/ or solution focused. (Vs winning at all costs focused) If we are willing to put our perspective out there, we must also be aware and work on the unconditional acceptance that there are some that will NEVER agree with it. If we are angry when/ if people do not agree with our perspective, I am afraid we will never not be angry. Is a perpetual state of anger ever our goal? I hope not.

               Why is logic important?

            The logical part of our brain (in the frontal lobe) oversees rational and problem-solving capabilities. It is a very advanced part of our brains, and humans often pride themselves in their logical thinking capacities. This is our 1+1 equals two capabilities. Our ability to see an issue and problem solve our way to an answer. Logic works for many aspects of daily functioning, but NOT all aspects. Logic does not fill every gap, it fills some. Logic does have holes, logic helps in the realms of science, math, and parts of linguistics, parts of child rearing. And then, it fails us in certain aspects.

               Why are emotions equally important?

               Though many try to insist logic is all we need to win or make sense, emotions and empathy can fill the gaps that logic leaves. Emotions, as well as art. There is an art to listening, an art to empathy, an art to language/ communication and an art to child rearing. Where logic fails us and/ or leaves the table, we have our emotions to help guide decision making. For example: Logic could tell you, ‘Keep doing this job it pays so well!” While your emotions tell you “You are so damn miserable with this job, the money isn’t worth it, because you are drowning in depression.” When we internet debate, we often see people use logic and judge those that are not ‘logical’ but rather ‘emotional in their style of debate. Though we may judge this, the emotional argument is just as valid as the logical one. I, as a therapist, am here to say that logic does not ‘trump’ emotions, and emotions do not ‘trump’ logic. We NEED both. And arguing either or does not make us inherently wrong or right.

               Live in the Moment… sometimes.

          I became a ‘conscientious objector’ toward watching the news about four to five years ago. Not because I do not think it’s important, but rather, I see the media for what it has become: A means of sucking brains into a vat of coercion and control for the sake of reaction and profit. This does not mean that I believe everything on the news is a lie, it’s not. But it’s rarely all the truth. What it will do, with certainty, is force us into a state of emotion and/ or reaction in some way: Anger, depression, outrage, anxiety, shame etc. When working with outraged citizens of Brooklyn during the pandemic in 2020, the objective became clear very fast. Mass agoraphobia, massive amounts of fear and anger, a sense of threat/ danger, mass quarantine as well as phones/ tablets/ screens sucking us into ‘what is going on’ in the outside world. Most everyone’s mental health deteriorated at a massive rate. This is where the online offense and fighting reached another all time high. One of the greatest challenges was helping aid patients toward harm reduction strategies when it came to the screens/ news/ keyboard warrior fanatics and helping them learn to adapt and ‘live comfortably’ in the ‘what is’ the present moment.

        I want to conclude this with one of my favorite quotes: “Learn from the past, live in the present, and plan for the future’. (Thomas Monson). To expand on this in relation to my blog topic; to live in the past always means to ruminate. To live in present only, means to become delusional about your reality and where it’s going, you will also become complacent and careless. Then, to be future focused always, means to live in anxiety, and never be able to find true contentment. Live in the moment, sometimes, this is where we forget to be.