Neglected & Abandoned

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 6-26-2020

“When you are forced to find peace in chaos and suffering, you will be chaotic even in peace. You can take the human out of the nightmare, but the nightmare is still in them.” -EaE

One of the most not talked about privileges of the world is the luck of being born into a family that wants you and loves you.  It’s the expectation, and it’s the norm, but it is not concrete.  There will forever be some unfortunate children that fall through the cracks and barely get to experience an unconditional love and nurturance. The general public will not see or view emotional neglect as well as abandonment as a form of trauma, but that is exactly what it is. If a child is in distress and not receiving comfort from their external environment/ guardians, they will grow up perceiving the world as a stressful place of little/ to no support. If a child experiences one, if not more parents abandoning them, they will most likely personalize it. These traumas produce incredibly damaging ‘invisible wounds’ to the psyche, and unfortunately children and even teens do not have the ability to verbalize most of this emotional pain.

     For a neglected and/ or abandoned child, the confusion never stops. “I am being good and doing my best, yet my parent pulls away.” “Why do everyone else’s parents seem to love them, but mine hate me?” “Why are people mad or stressed with me for simply existing?” “Why am I going from place to place to place? Doesn’t anyone want to be with me or deal with me?” When a child personalizes any and all these questions, a self-hatred and a self-shame may develop. “Obviously if this keep’s happening, there is something wrong with me.”  

     I personally recall a time when a friendly adult told me, at the age of six, that I was beautiful. I absolutely did not believe it. My own mother dropped me and my brother off at least 10 different homes and/ or trailer parks so that she could escape and get her fix of methamphetamines and alcohol. I was not wanted or beautiful, rather consistently neglected and considered a nuisance to those that expected me to be gone in a day, vs days/ to weeks at a time because my mother went MIA. The only time she stuck around was when we lived with one of her boyfriends, but unfortunately that had its own risks too, hence me getting physically abused by one of them when she was MIA. My mere existence was a problem, it took me until the age of 20 to forgive my mother as she died on her death bed.

     However, “children bounce back” as they say. Children “are resilient”. The child does not seem to be bothered and impacted by this, they stay quiet, do what they are told and seem to “function” well. When they act up, it’s just a “child being a child”. “You can’t blame your past on your present situation.” Rest assured these statements are myths and often coming from an uneducated place. Because at the very core of a neglected/ abandoned child’s belief system, is a series of cognitions, symptoms and behaviors that will set them up for an enormous amount of pain and suffering in their adult life.

     Neglect symptoms, cognitions, and behavioral traits/ patterns:

  • Extreme lack of confidence & feelings of unworthiness
  • Loneliness & learning to isolate from a young age
  • Boredom & dissociation (often seen as head in the clouds or day dreaming)
  • Issue’s w/ attachment as the individual craves some much-needed attention or resists any/ all attachments because they cannot trust anymore
  • Feeling “less than” others
  • Anger/ rage toward those that ignore or dismiss them
  • A belief that they will ‘screw up’ any social interaction they have
  • The general and consistent wondering of “is life even worth living?”
  • Believing they will ‘always fail’
  • Difficulty with regulating any/ all emotions due to the consistent lack of a support system/ caregiver

    Abandonment symptoms, cognitions, and behavioral traits/ patterns:

  • Terrifying/ chronic belief that they will lose everyone they care about
  • Issue’s with attachment, sometimes to include toxic/ abusive partners (bad attention is better than another abandonment)
  • Personalizing & overreacting to any/ all comments or criticisms
  • A core belief that they deserve to suffer
  • A core belief that they are not worthy of love or good things
  • Clinging too tightly to the ones in their life that choose to stick around
  • Anger/ rage toward those that pull away or express frustration with them
  • Perfectionism so that others may learn to finally love/ appreciate them
  • Constant people pleasing due to a belief that if they help/ nurture others enough, that perhaps they will stay
  • Consistently getting used/ abused/ taken advantage of but unable to see it. (Because without a consistent guardian, there is no way of learning what healthy relationships look like)

    So, what does healthy look like?? A healthy upbringing where a child get’s consistent nurturing/ love from parents may look like:

  • An easier time regulating emotions and getting back to equilibrium
  • A healthy sense of boundaries and knowing that it is okay to say ‘no’ and stick up for themselves
  • A core belief that they are good and worthy of happiness
  • Self esteem and confidence, therefore more likely to engage in healthy risk taking
  • An enjoyment with social engagements, can socialize with relative ease
  • A healthy level of energy and concentration due to a healthy sense of safety/ secure attachment w/ those around them

    Learn the difference, know the difference. If you suffered from neglect and/ or abandonment know that it is not your fault for being born into a family that was not ready and/ or gave up on you. Get help, you deserve to experience a life of joy/ happiness even though you were not given one when you needed it most. Our most rapid stages of development happen in utero and then in the first seven years of our lives. These things take time to reverse, but as a clinician I can promise you, that you are not a lost cause. Those that suffer from childhood traumas have huge mental holes to climb out of, but they owe it to themselves to climb that climb.  Learn self-care despite the fact you were not taught it, learn self-love even though it wasn’t ingrained. These are the hurdles and disadvantages of an unwanted and/ or abandoned child.

Surviving off of Bias

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 6-19-2020

We could all agree that our country appears to be divisive, yet again. Do I say that as if it’s an awful thing? Not necessarily. I believe, very truly, in freedom of speech. I also believe, that although it is rooted into our human rights in the U.S., people tend to come up with very crafty ways of shutting down those who try to practice it. Regardless of the amount of wars we have fought, the amount of murders we deem ‘acceptable’, as a mental health clinician, Afghanistan veteran and trauma specialist, I do NOT believe it is human nature to kill and destroy.  I believe, it is human nature to want to survive. Unfortunately, there are occasions where our survival means others (attackers or predators) must die. That is the exception, not the rule. For the most part, our survival relies on connection, love, work ethic, community and kindness. If we are taught that our survival relies on the extinction, oppression or neglect of another human race, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, gender and so on, we were terribly misled.

     I think back on Afghanistan quite a bit, who wouldn’t? I will be honest, finally, when I discuss those small minute seconds/ minutes that scared me the most. Honestly, it wasn’t even the bombs that landed on our FOB (forward operating base), as if that wasn’t alarming enough.  (These damn fireworks and sirens going off in Brooklyn everyday have not been fun.) I will never forget the stares. Anywhere I went, armed Afghan men (Afghan national army & civilians as well were working on our base) staring me down. This was after we were already warned of “green on blue shootings”, meaning an Afghan soldier killing an American soldier. They didn’t stare at the men the same way, they stared at the women more intently, the gaze never stopped. I’m sure it had something to do with them never seeing women unveiled, I learned to adapt to those stares every day. Whether I was headed to work, the gym or driving the gator across the FOB to pick up the mail, they never stopped staring. I was outnumbered every single time. I was armed, of course, but so were they. Everything in my mind wanted to see them as an enemy, it was one of the hardest bias’s I ever had to shake. Yes, I had to shake off that bias. Why? Because we can’t just go killing people or getting people killed due to our fear and bias. That is unjust. I recognize many are proud American’s, but we as humans are not more valuable than the humans in any other country.

     It sounds ironic, but the military is incredibly good at teaching us the value of human life. One of the more common lines most of us have heard is “You need to take this shit seriously, or people can/ will get killed.” This was said not just in relation to ‘our own people on our own team’, but also the risk of collateral damage; innocent civilians. Most of the military men/ women I have met and worked with in a mental health setting did not crave killing others. They also had many moral injuries due to the nature of the mission’s they were tasked to do. Most would agree, they hope no one must die. Most would make the conscious decision to spare a life if they could help it.

     We are fighting for survival every single day, but it does not mean people have to always kill in order to accomplish this. Although every human has that innate need to survive, we were not necessarily taught the same way, how to survive. Some are taught that survival means kindness, morals, teamwork. Others, unfortunately must fight for survival. Especially if they are in an area plagued with community violence/ oppression. Then survival becomes an exhausting and plaguing mission, leaving little to no energy to thrive. Then, others are in seemingly safer areas, being taught that survival means ‘staying away from certain areas’ or ‘staying away from certain types of people’. When we get into this mode, we are no longer surviving with healthy & moral tactics, we are now trying to survive off of a bias. It may seem innocent, and many can downplay this with a “better to be safe than sorry” mindset. However, if our bias get’s one innocent person killed, we took it way too far. Then, our mislead survival ‘instincts’ (prejudice, bias, triggers) become more dangerous than any enemy we could have ever imagined. We are now the danger, if we incriminate others based off those taught fears.

     Who has the capability of minding their bias and knowing when their bias becomes a danger to themselves or other people? I find that it is incredibly hard to put ourselves and others in check with this. Right now, the average person is having a very hard time getting their points across without it turning into a large verbal altercation either in person or via online ‘keyboard warrior style’.  I can absolutely relate to most of the population when I say, these arguments do in fact, get old and played out. However, if we lose our ability to practice our freedom of speech, we lose our ability to talk about danger and survival. We then lose our ability to stand up for ourselves and point out injustice. If we are forced into sweeping injustices under the rug and staying silent about it, we then live in a world where the true predators are free to prey again. Which is even more of a detriment to our survival than social media arguments.  

In order to build and ‘survive’, this country has had a long and extensive history of war, murder, slavery, servitude, oppression and so on. Let’s just call it what it is. Bringing up the past is not a threat, and we must stop perceiving it as such. It’s reminding us that we must do better and be better. We may have all “gotten this far”, but could we have not done a better job? Couldn’t we be doing better now? Free of bias, coercion and control? We may have gotten this far, but are we all free and liberated to the point where we can speak freely without being told to leave the country? Can we all pursuit happiness as easily and effortlessly as our neighbor? Can we all go for a jog without getting shot? Can we all get our right to a trial and not get murdered? (No, I’m not a democrat)

How were you taught to survive? Was it easy or hard? Did it involve a form of discrimination to include staying away from other’s who looked different? Did it involve stepping on others to make your way to the top? Did it involve calling 911 if something or someone just looked suspicious? What is suspicious to you? Why is it suspicious? Were you taught that some must die for others to survive? Did your survival involve pretending the past didn’t happen? Denial? Moving on with life and not talking about the horrors of what you saw others go through? Were you taught that other people practicing freedom of speech are dangerous and ‘ungrateful’? Were you taught to listen and hear a person out when they are discussing their traumas and their fight for survival? Were you taught that your community is the way every community is? Or were you taught that perhaps other people’s version of survival involves a completely different template, something that you may never be able to fathom? Have you ventured outside the ‘safety bubble’ of your hometown long enough to experience a new way of survival?

I recognize this may be one of my more offensive blogs. However, I do believe in freedom of speech like I said in the intro. I also recognize the importance of deep discussions and self-exploration, much like what I do with clients. When humans began to realize that the power of speech sometimes meant the power/ ability to survive, it opened a door for a completely new/ safer lifestyle. It meant they could reason with each other, borrow, trade, assimilate, blend and much more. We may all be surviving with some form of bias but remember that everyone else wants to survive as well. That ‘annoying’ person screaming and ranting and raving on Facebook that has completely different views than you, wants to survive as well. More listening, less killing. We want to survive, and the bitch of it is, we need each other to do it. You can go and live off of the grid in the mountains with no neighbor in sight, but someone was experienced enough to build that house for you. Someone is delivering your fresh water, someone is taking your trash. Someone is farming/ slaughtering/ cleaning/ packaging and providing your food. They may or may not be people that are ‘to your liking’, but they are involved in your survival. We need each other to survive, more than we need our bias.

Those ‘Psycho’ Athletes

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 6-16-2020

“The biggest mistake people make is having an end goal. An end goal implies that you will stop. Stopping means that the change will only be temporary.” -EaE

     No one forgets their most painful workouts; they are defining and legendary. Even if at the time it was pure misery, there’s something in us that wanted it that way, and we wouldn’t change it for the world. We wouldn’t give up our athletic sacrifices. Athletics is never a waste of time, money or resources. It gives us something that is irreplaceable. It is one of the most productive ways to spend our time, and it is known as the greatest endorphin release that we can naturally give ourselves. Everyone should workout. I say that both as a clinician and an athlete: EVERYONE SHOULD WORK OUT. This doesn’t mean that everyone should be an athlete, it means that we as humans should all get involved in some type of physical activity for the sake of our mental health. Yes, even if it’s 3 or 4, 30-minute walks a week, it’s something and it really does make a difference.

     I have been athletic since freshman year of High school, but unfortunately for the longest time I would not call myself an athlete. I did not feel worthy of such a title. However, I ran all year round for 4 years in High school to include 100, 200, 400, 800, 1600 and 3200 meter track races as well as 5K cross country races. My transition into the military at the age of 18 then put me in a position to explore other athletic avenues, starting with 0400 PT (physical training sessions) in Boot camp 5 days a week! I do not miss that! Once settled down at my permanent duty station in Texas, I continued to run various 5K’s as well as being peer pressured into doing the Tough Mudder! I eventually ‘retired’ from running and transitioned into weightlifting and belly dance to include two powerlifting meets on Dyess Air force Base and a dozen belly dance recitals around the town of Abilene.  Moving to NYC I found my new passion: Brazilian Jiu jitsu and MMA training. I have since then, in the past six years, competed in 20 Brazilian Jiu jitsu matches and earned my Purple belt. Racing, grappling competitions and dance recitals require TONS of training and practice; thus, I am an athlete. An amateur level athlete hobbyist with a full-time job, to be exact.

    When the general public thinks of an athlete, they think about pro level athletes, and therefore ‘they will never be able to aspire to get to that level’. However, I am here to tell everyone that most athletes are very much like the average American person. Tied down with a full-time job/ family demands and exhausted most days of the week. We do not “feel up for a workout out” most of the time, we do not have extra magical energy or time in the day, we make sacrifices to be athletic. We sacrifice the couch, money, Netflix, dinner dates, outings, solitude, R&R time, our ‘ego’ and more. Why do we do it, especially when we are tempted to ‘wind down’ after work along with the majority of the population?

     After my very first day of cross-country practice (age 14 going on 15) I woke up the very next day so sore that I could barely walk. Every inch of my body was on fire and I was legitimately terrified to go back. I expressed my fear to my stepmother, I was slow, it was embarrassing, it was painful and tiring. She simply said to me: “What else are you going to do with your free time?! Sit around and watch TV?!” Well, yea I guess she had a point, that was all I was doing. Whenever I get back into a depressive rut even as an adult, that is all I end up doing. When we are ill, we get sucked into what I call “powerful temporary potions and medicines” that have amazing short-term relief, but long-term maladaptive consequences. For the sake of mental health though, humans need less powerful short-term potions, and more long-term self-care regiments. Hence, why athletics ended up becoming the single most long-term self-care activity I have ever done or will do. I am married to fitness and will not let it go. It’s one of the healthiest things I have, therefore it is worth it.

     We should not pull people away from their athletic self-care, to do so is unkind. We should also not shame people that are getting into fitness self-care for the first time in their lives, but be encouraging instead. I’ve heard of many circumstances where a new athlete walked away from a gym due to a lack of inclusivity, which is NEVER okay. The incredible metaphor I learned as a teen in cross country involved the way we trained together. We start off running in a pack, but eventually the faster runners get further ahead, and the slower runners keep their pace in the back. It was the job of each individual runner to chase the person ahead of them, use them as their encouragement. It was also our job to run away from the person that’s coming up behind us, use them as our encouragement to stay strong and keep a solid pace. Every human is on the spectrum of fitness and athletics, and we all matter, we all play our part as individuals and as a team. Despite popular belief, we are not in the fitness world to ‘compete’. In fact, if we allow competition to get into our heads, it will destroy our athletic progress. It’s a journey, and the endpoint is whatever we want to make it. Every girl that I competed with in grappling, whether I won, or they beat me, I considered them my teammates, not my enemy. We helped each other in our grappling journeys whether we won or lost.

     I joke that I have quit Brazilian Jiu jitsu about 4-5 times so far in my six-year endeavor. Martial arts is HARD, and perhaps that is why I cannot let it go. I came from a background of running until my lungs almost exploded, to now being in a sport where the training partner and/ or opponent is trying to break one of my limbs or choke me unconscious. However, it is one of the most fun and beautiful things I have ever taken part in. We learn nothing about ourselves without mental and physical challenges. We do not necessarily need to compete or be ‘the best’, but we need a sense of purpose, objectives, goals, concentration and clarity. Training in Jiu jitsu, MMA, wrestling and Muay Thai almost broke me, yet I am still training. I think back to my ‘lowest of lows’ moments in martial arts after embarrassing spar sessions where I got beat up and embarrassing matches where I lost really fast, horrible injuries that could have been prevented had I not been so stubborn. All I see now is lesson’s learned without regrets.

     My fiancé recently reminded me of that important concept that my stepmother gave me 15 years ago. He worded it a bit differently: “We (humans) are suffering/ miserable every day anyways, we might as well suffer doing something that will improve our lives vs suffering with something that will get us nowhere” (couch, TV etc.). I respect every single athlete I have ever come across. An athlete is a person that defy’ s odds and takes courageous steps every time they head to their workout. Every time we head to our gym in fear of how we will perform, every time we enter our workout exhausted, every time we want to quit but don’t, we are combatting depressive, anxiety and anger symptoms. We are molding ourselves into a person of substance. We are valuing and fighting for our lives and mental health. Athletic activity is the language of many sufferers. To the outsider we appear as “Superhuman”, to our teammates, coaches and ourselves, we are humans fighting to defy the odds stacked against us and all of humanity.

Working out is not meant to be a punishment, it is meant for self-care. Do not mistake the comfort of excessive relaxation and idle time as ‘self care’. Balanced people tend to have a pattern of low and high momentum throughout the day. If we sit or lay for too long we sink, if we workout and train for too long we burnout. Incorporating fitness into our daily or weekly regiments can balance out those symptoms that are otherwise next to impossible to deal with. It is a matter of finding YOUR fitness activity or sport NEXT. If you are an athlete, I applaud you and encourage you to keep going. If you are thinking about exploring an athletic endeavor, I support and encourage it. Reward your body, reward your mind. Learn what the fuss is all about! Those ‘psycho’ athletes may just be onto something.

The Jacobs Ladder Effect-for depression & fatigue

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 6-10-2020

“There is beauty even in pain. Beauty in hard paths and difficult choices. Beauty as a messy person in a messy life. Character and lessons are built when we accept our imperfections and try regardless of fear, barriers and judgements.” -EaE

       I would call myself a busy body, perhaps maybe even a bit addicted to adrenaline. I have hit slumps as well, depression consistently being a major factor. On one of my more recent slumps, I found myself trying to get my cardio back up. I chose the Jacobs Ladder. (Pre quarantine of course) For anyone that does not know, it is a workout machine that requires us to strap on a waist belt before we incline our way up a revolving ladder. The higher on the machine we get, the faster the ladder goes, forcing us to move at a quick and exhausting pace. The lower the ladder, the slower it goes, an easier more reasonable pace. This latter makes for an incredible workout!

     As I climbed the Jacobs ladder, I realized that not only is it a great workout, but an incredible metaphor for humans and their daily lives. Much like the ladder, we need momentum, when we fall off the ladder, it is that much harder to get the momentum back. Why? Primarily because slowing down means we are still present and actively climbing, but falling off requires us to process the experience, get up and try again. Way more exhausting and draining. This is the unfortunate vicious cycle that many people have found themselves falling into:

  • Depression
  • Decrease in motivation & energy
  • Decrease in activity
  • Increase in fatigue & sedentary activities
  • Shame

(Repeat cycle if symptoms are not tended to)

     We can think of this cycle much like the flush of a toilet or the action of a tornado, as humans we plummet further and further if we stay sedentary. The other unfortunate thing is we often feel lonely in a cycle such as this. Especially if our peers/ family members are on their ladders going full force, and we feel way too exhausted to get up and grab the rung again. Common barriers to this can include:

  • Other underlying Mental health conditions
  • Family demands
  • Occupational stressors
  • Self-Hate/ Inner critic
  • Substance Abuse

There is a practical way to get back on the Jacob’s ladder, and there is also a very self-sabotaging/ self-destructive way to try to do it. First, I will go over the self-destructive way. Shame, as I mention in the very last step of our depressive rut cycle, is a powerful emotion. Shame may cause us to never want to try. Also, shame may cause us to compulsively do things that are impractical. If we are off the ladder, feeling the shame kick in, we may get the compulsion to jump on the top of the rungs and sprint full force. This will surely lead to exhaustion, fatigue and burnout. Then before we know it, we have fallen off the ladder again. We are defeated “yet again” and we feel like we “failed”. The result might be more shame, more depression cycles, and hence more time off our ladder. What causes a person to go from binge eating all week to then starving themselves? Shame. What causes a person to go from being sedentary for an entire month to running a 12 miler in one day? Shame. What causes a person to sink into a depression and then want to give up the moment they grabbed the ladder rung because “what’s the point I won’t’ be able to keep up the pace or do this forever” and then they quit?? Shame.

     The practical and healthy way humans gain momentum, is by grabbing one ladder rung first. Or metaphorically speaking, working one simple goal at a time. Take things step by step, day by day, do not rush! Grab the second latter rung, then ‘you put your left foot in and then your right foot in!’ Before we know it, we will be climbing again. But not so fast! When we are at the bottom of the ladder, we tend to want to rush up it, but what are we racing for? Life is a marathon, not a sprint. Need I mention the last time I jumped and sprinted on that ladder I regretted it terribly after? It was not a practical pace; it was not something I could sustain forever and therefore when I fell, I fell hard. It takes time to build back momentum in life, and we cannot do it by force. Rather, we do it with daily habits and daily self-care. My grandmother had told me a long time ago that many people rush, and there is no need to try and keep up with them, “go your own pace Elisa, no matter how fast or slow, as long as it is your pace”.

     Homework:

     If/ when possible go to your local gym and find that ladder. A stair master is also a great substitute machine. Get a feel for the exercise. Take your time, listen to your mind and body, and truly do it for you and you alone. When you are tired, slow down the pace. Just do not stop. When a burst of energy comes in, be honest with yourself and pick up the pace. If you are tired again, slow the pace down again and do not shame yourself for it. This is what humans are and what humans will do. Humans get tired, our momentum will slow down sometimes. Humans are also resilient and capable of speeding up.

     Now as far as life goals and picking up momentum in daily activities… What is your pace? How will you get back on the metaphorical Jacobs ladder? Or, if you are on the ladder, what has been stopping you from picking up the pace? What contributes to you falling off it? Do you use activities for constructive purposes and in constructive ways? Or do you find that you are self-destructive, even with perceivably healthy activities? If you keep jumping and sprinting on the ladder and then falling off, are you able to grab and walk up the ladder instead? If you want so badly to speed up the pace but find that you cannot will yourself to do it, is it an issue of motivation, an issue of self-care, or an issue of expectations you hold on yourself that are perhaps unreasonable?

     Conclusion:

One of the never-ending quests many people will find themselves in is the quest for balance. Just when we believe we may have found it; life circumstances can change. Medical conditions, mental health issues, having kids, as well as harder/ longer work demands, financial strain etc. I acknowledge and sympathize with the fact that when we are drained due to depression and other life factors it is the hardest thing in the world, to get up and get our momentum back. However, I truly believe that one of the most important things a person can do when they are at the lowest of lows is keep a hold of the ladder, and pace up it slow. Not for societal demands/ expectations, not for torture, but for our own self-care. It is not about what we do on the best of days, it is about what we do on the worst days. That is what will define what kind of future may lie ahead of us. There will be life circumstances that cause us to cling onto the ladder with one hand only, while struggling with all of our might to get the other hand clasped on the rung. There will be periods of time when we are walking up so slow, we wonder “What the hell is the point of this?” The answer is, we will find out later.

Cry Baby

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 06-04-2020

“You can look at all external factors of a person’s life, and believe that you understand them, or know their pain. But you won’t. Suffering is an internal, emotional bleeding. By the time it is truly seen, it may be too late.”

I used to hate myself for being the “cry baby” of my family. The cry baby anytime someone said anything remotely hurtful to where I had to suck in tears all day and let it out at the end of a school or work shift. I hated how quickly the tears surfaced behind my eyeballs the moment any external trigger, whether it be an individual person or unfortunate life event, happened to hit me the wrong way. As a matter of fact, one of the major reasons I enlisted in the military was to “deal” with this issue. If I cannot toughen up on my own, perhaps the military can do it for me. Unfortunately, it had the opposite effect and it took me a long time to realize why. Despite what our societal and military teachings tell us, we do not actually “toughen up” when horrific events and extreme discipline happen to us. Rather, we learn to suppress pain even more. The accumulated build up of anger may cause rage, the accumulated buildup of anxiety may cause agoraphobia. Then, the accumulated buildup of depression may cause… crying spells.

     If we cannot process, address, and heal our mental pain, we will bleed it instead. Emotions are never wrong, but they can often get misplaced due to the demanding nature of life. Accompany that with a deep-seated fear/ stigma of emotional expression, people often have a hard time placing where their triggers are coming from. Most people have admitted to having anger, anxiety and crying outbursts that appear to have “come out of nowhere”. However, if we think deep and hard about our personal histories, we may realize that there were life events that justified our sadness and grief. Can we give ourselves permission to cry and to grieve? Can we give our loved ones that permission and validation? Our coworkers, our peers?

     I can honestly say that I have been torn through life. I am a crier and I have had so much to cry about, but I also had this military and martial arts background. I, like many, have been torn between facing trauma and pain, but requiring a presence of apathy, or courage and strength. Crying was a luxury, reserved for the bedroom when no one was watching. Even if I secretly wanted the outlet in public, it would have been a direct insult to the people of my helping profession, military work unit and anyone that is threatened by the reminder that yes, sadness does exist in this world. I had absolutely put this theory to the test in the past many times, and my grievances were often met with deflective and invalidating statements, even from other mental health professionals sadly. My clients have put it to the test as well with their friends and loved ones, to be met with similar responses.

     Scientifically speaking, crying is an outlet/ release that can help humans feel better, but societally speaking it seems to be viewed as a “negative emotion”. No one wants sadness, but it exists. No one wants to deal with trauma, grief and depression and everything that comes with it, but it is an inevitable part of our suffering. If we train ourselves to block off these crucial emotional outlets such as crying or ‘venting’, we lose touch with ourselves. If we are not aware of how sad something can make us, we lose sight of when/ where to implement healthy boundaries. It is very possible that a human being may continuously expose themselves to high amounts of suffering but have no clue the amount of damage it may be causing.

     As stressful as our occupations may be (work, parenting, school), they do serve as a form of avoidance. Meaning, if we are engaged with a busy activity for long periods of time and at a high pace, we are not feeling. Humans tend to want to gear more toward productivity and false positivity, they believe it is the way to happiness. Then they cry and/ or drug the pain away later when no one is watching. A part of what makes mental illness so hard is the unbearable feeling of loneliness people experience when there is no one in their world talking to them about it. It can feel extremely scary when people start to believe that “they are the only one” that is engaging in crying spells, mental breakdowns, fleeting suicidal thoughts and an overall hardship with living daily life. We should remember that in most cases, people deflect and invalidate our pain not because they are ‘stronger’ than us, but because they are terrified of being vulnerable. Vulnerability shows strength, a strength many of us cannot seem to muster.

     Overall, the world needs more answers, we need to talk about this. The cry babies need to know they are not actually ‘babies.’ Since I could not cry at the appropriate and opportune times to do so, my crying came out in loneliness, during binge cycles, during sappy Romcoms and sad movies, during a strenuous workout or competition. My cry outs come in the form of my journaling, blogging, social media posts as well as my nightmares. Some may read this and think ‘wow that sounds like a sensitive and weak person that cannot handle life’.  However, anyone that knew me through my teens and twenties would have never guessed that this is who I was behind closed doors. The perception was that “I always had my shit together and everything seemed to come so easy”. Unfortunately, from a young age, I hated waking up and facing the day ahead of me, and still do. I saw the world in a negative light, and still do. I saw in the flesh, the tragedy of what war can bring, and I still see it. I fight it on the daily, I help my clients fight their battles on the daily. Self-healing and self-care are beautiful processes if we are ever fortunate enough to learn them.

     This applies to every human in the world, we absolutely do not know what our coworkers, friends and family members are suffering through unless we open the dialogue. It is terrifying but we do need to ask the real questions sometimes. Do not hide behind conversations about candles and towels, dig deep. Do not change the subject the moment someone introduces the topic of mental pain, it exists. For the sake of ourselves and others we must dig deeper if we want to support each other through mental battles. Do not believe that perception is reality. Do not believe that difficult and complex emotions have easy solutions and answers. A person that smiles everyday could be the next suicide victim.

The Fuel of Expectation

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-30-2020

“You didn’t choose an easy goal, therefore you cannot expect an easy path”

It is absolutely imperative to identify, adjust, manage, and monitor our expectations. What do expectations stem from, and what do they mean for us? An expectation is about being taught what we deserve, or rather what we have “earned”, even though we have done nothing for it. With these expectations, comes anticipation. Then, with a build up of anticipation we will arrive at either one of two things: either gratification or extreme disappointment.

Of course, some expectations are more reasonable than others. Expectations come in all shapes and sizes and can be deeply influenced by our cultural & societal backgrounds, community and households. Examples of healthy expectations may include something like this:

⁃ I expect that people do NOT harm me or violate my body.

⁃ I expect to be properly compensated for the hard work I did on this job.

⁃ I expect the product I buy to work.

The expectations above are examples of expectations that foster boundaries and self care. If the expectations are violated, the next step is to self advocate to have these reasonable expectations met.

Below are examples of expectations that are often unreasonable and can lead to major disappointment:

⁃ This person (intimate partner) must take care of me and tend to my financial and emotional needs.

⁃ I expect to have a high paying job, car, home, spouse and kids by the age of 25.

⁃ I expect this person to do this job the same way and at the same pace that I would do it.

The above expectations are high risk and may foster extreme disappointment, resentment and/ or shame. Why are they high risk? Primarily due to the fact that they require another human being doing something we want. We have no control over what someone may or may not want to do for us. The other issue is rigid timelines in an ever changing society/ economy. If we have an expectation that may stem from the generation before us (such as home/ stability/ kids) but we live in a vastly different/ higher cost of living economy, expectations may need to be altered or changed.

Another thing to pay attention to is key anticipatory words/ phrases that tend to be the set up of most unreasonable or unmanaged expectations. These key words/ phrases include:

⁃ They must

⁃ They should

⁃ I should be

⁃ You have to

⁃ They need to

⁃ I deserve

⁃ But they promised

Anticipatory phrases often need to be reflected on and challenged before going any further. Such as:

⁃ “but why should they?”

⁃ “Why do I deserve this particular thing?”

⁃ “Why do they have to and I don’t have to?”

⁃ “Why do they need to?”

Expectation is the balloon, anticipation is the helium or air filling up the balloon. Then a third party person and/ or outcome might end up being the pointy object that bursts the ballon and causes emotional dysregulation. Emotions include shock, frustration, anger, resentment, depression, anxiety and so on.

If we find ourselves constantly getting disappointed and hurt by our external environment to include our friends, family members, peers and what feels like random awful life outcomes, it may not actually be a coincidence. Truly it’s one of two things, if not both. We may be surrounded by a toxic environment with toxic people, or we may have an expectation management issue.

A rather toxic series of expectations involve expecting from another person, something that we are not willing to do ourselves. There is an entitlement aspect to these. Examples include:

⁃ All house chores

⁃ All child rearing

⁃ All gainful employment

⁃ All financial responsibility

– All listening

I have seen many households suffer from the above list, as dynamics shift and people are left constantly arguing about who should do what. What is fair? What is a reasonable expectation in our household and what expectations are unreasonable and therefore met with backlash? High and mismanaged expectations can cause wars between intimate partners and family members. Relationships are like verbal contracts. If the contract no longer works and builds resentment, it’s time to redo the contract or shred it completely depending on the level of toxicity.

Why is this important to work on? Primarily because it CAN be worked on and changed, and it can reduce unnecessary stress and altercations. The next challenge for anyone hoping to identify and manage their expectations would be to pluck out those anticipatory phrases and expectations and dissect when/ why it became ingrained in their mind. The key to understanding our unmanageable expectations is to understand ourselves as well as our influences that have taught us what we deserve and should expect from the people and the world around us.

It is NEVER a ‘happy’ Memorial Day

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-23-2020

“It is a dark, painful and torturous path to take. And we do not do it for reward, we do it because it’s right.” -EaE

What do veterans and military members think about when Memorial Day comes up? Typically, it is not about a day off, a celebration or a sale. They may smile to save face, they may go to the BBQ’s, but their mind may not be celebrating, rather mourning. One of the most painful things about traumatic grief is how often it is invalidated or swept under the rug, as if there is no such thing as painful loss because we “signed up for this”. Or perhaps military members and veterans are perceived to be ‘so strong’ for the hardships they have endured that maybe ‘they do not feel pain or mourn’ like the rest of the population…? I am here to tell you that is wrong, and the veteran that smiles through everything post deployment and post military service are not always happy or okay. It could potentially be the opposite.

     What is going through our minds when Memorial Day weekend comes up? Below are a few possibilities.

We are Remembering and/ or Mourning:

  • Losing coworkers/ comrades in military service and war. Sometimes by combat related means and sometimes due to suicide.
  • Almost dying (for those that almost did die during missions)
  • Losing clients (healthcare/ mental health care military workers)
  • Remembering traumatic events and close calls
  • Remembering hearing about death/ loss nearby, by other troops on near by missions.  
  • Mourning our own career’s and what we miss about the camaraderie of service
  • Missing our military identities
  • How disconnected we feel from other’s
  • The war/ mission itself (believe it or not some want to go back to war for the familiarity or trauma bonding)

     Memorial Day is not about celebration, but about remembrance and solemnly honoring those that have died sacrificing themselves to service the country. Many veterans have served and ‘made it out alive’, however, it would be reasonable to assume that many of them have lost at least one person if not more. Some of them may never want to talk about it. Some veterans may numb out and ‘not feel’ anything when this weekend comes up, perhaps it is too much to process. While others will hide so that their emotions are not witnessed by others.

     We may have signed up knowing that deploying and losing others was a risk, but no one understood how heavy the loss would feel. The other factor to consider is that single episodes of traumatic grief is often met with sympathy and compassion. Such as the loss of one individual stateside that is important to us. However, the country has a funny way of trying to celebrate large scale traumas. Such as 9/11 with a museum and money generated off the horrific loss of others, as well as an entire ‘holiday’ weekend for those that have died fighting for their countries. I equate this to a fear of feeling and vulnerability. No one wants to think about or feel trauma on that grand of scale, but it is necessary to acknowledge when tragedy has happened. It is necessary to acknowledge when there are living/ breathing people still suffering from those tragedies.

     I have absolute confidence that most of our civilian counterparts have no clue how deep this weekend may hit some military members and veterans. Also, many get it mixed up with Veterans day weekend, which is celebratory. It is not on purpose; it is just something to be addressed and an incredible learning opportunity for many. Currently only 1% of the population is serving in the military and only 8% of us are veterans. We do not have a lot of people, a community of those that can give empathy is valuable/ crucial for our healing. Instead of thinking about how we may ‘celebrate’ memorial day weekend, hopefully we can think about how we may remember and honor those that we have lost due to military and/ or war trauma and the horrific aftermath of chronic “invisible” wounds.

“The worst part of holding the memories is not the pain. It’s the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared” – Lois Lowry

“Fake Bitches”

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-20-2020

     I am going to address the stigma of ‘mean girls’ and discuss where I believe this stigma comes from. It is no secret that this view exists amongst both men and women. The question is, why? Something I talk about with most of my clients is how societal teachings also exacerbate our mental health. “Men are taught to suppress their emotions, and women are taught to hate themselves”. In a recent blog, I discuss the ways in which men are taught to suppress emotions and how we can tear down those walls. This blog is discussing how women are taught to hate themselves from young ages, and how it translates to insecurities, envy, jealousy, and verbal altercations.

How it starts- visualize and compare- (roughly ages 4-9)

     From a young age, girls are often glamorized. We are princesses, we are damsels, we need to win over the affection of a man to save us. We visualize ourselves in adult form and make predictions based off what we see in our households (moms, grand moms, aunts, female guardians etc). Then, there’s magazines, books, movies, TV, social media too as kids are starting younger and younger. We have role models, how can we not? We have not hit puberty yet but there are women we look up to, there is often a view of what we believe we may look like when ‘we grow up’. Even as early as six years old I looked in magazines and felt an insecurity about my ‘pot belly’ as the women in magazines had flat tummies and long/ slender physiques. I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best outcome! Unfortunately, at the age of 9 my stepdaughter started to express feeling fat. I remember a similar feeling around that age when I sat and saw my fat shift. Having fat does not mean obesity, and as brilliant therapists before me have pointed out, ‘fat’ is not a feeling.

How it progresses- Adolescence and Body changes/ shaming/ bullying (10-18)

When the body changes, the critics and judges come out to play! The boys, the girls and sometimes even the parents. The reality is that society has so many expectations, technically, we all fail. No one can live up to all of it, but as evidenced in mental health research, the largest developmental milestone for teens is to be accepted by their peers. It is crucial to have acceptance as we approach adulthood and need people in our network. These pressures for young girls include academic pressures, dress & appearance as well as behavioral pressures. For the most part, many will crack under the pressure and find ways to ‘win over’ approval/ acceptance. Sometimes even winning acceptance by the ones that are bullying/ shaming us in the first place. Because, who wants to be bullied?!

Regardless of what ‘we have’ or ‘don’t have’, we are wrong either way. For example, a young girl that is developing late will be ridiculed as well as a girl that is overdeveloping. Somehow our biology and puberty cycle is ‘our fault’ and we’re roped into feeling shame about it. Breast sizes, butt size, thigh size, waist size. Aside from visual appearances we then start to obsess over numbers that are getting thrown around. Pant size and weight on the scale. Those poor girls that were really a size 2 or 3 stuffing themselves into size zeros for the sake of saying they wear a zero. Ouch! I will call it our modern-day corset except it was squeezing at our hips. (The early 2000’s was all about the sexy low-rise jeans!)

    There is more! Face, makeup, dress, appearance, and behaviors all matter. Teen girls are making “mistakes”, and corrections. We could fairly call the Jr High and High school experience the ‘On the job Training’ (OJT) practice for adulthood in how we are socializing and presenting ourselves to others. Some teen girls may have pleasant experiences with a lot of positive reinforcements from peers, family members etc. Other teen girls may have negative reinforcements, shame, low self esteem patterns and the vicious cycle could continue well into adulthood. Unfortunately, this is also the time when some young girls with insecurities may notice a boost of self-esteem/ social status when they ridicule, tease, and put down other girls.

     Teen hood starts the vicious ‘magnifying glass’ effect. Meaning when we make one mistake, the magnifying glass is on us and follows us through every mistake after. Unfortunately, the magnifying glass of society glosses over our accomplishments and focuses narrowly in on the mistakes. Thus, creating the cycle of shame about our body, appearance, behaviors, and overall self-confidence.

How it thrives/ breeds- Adulthood (18 to perhaps indefinitely…)

     Remember our parents/ guardians telling us how it will all end once we are out the door, away from the immaturity of school and onto emerging adulthood focuses?  Ha! The reason I use the term “fake bitches” in this article is because I want to address something especially important. The terms I have heard throughout my entire adulthood that I find particularly alarming include: “All women are bitches”, “Women are fake”, “that woman is a fake bitch”, “Woman are bitches, I would rather hang out with men”. “Women are evil” etc. The reality is most women are not “fake bitches”. Most women are fighting to be loved and accepted, something they were deprived of during crucial stages of development.

     Understand that when we have this mentality against women, and we use these phrases and believe it down to our core; we are perpetuating a cycle of hate. Onto ourselves as women and onto other women, who will then feel more shame. Yes, I too was labeled a ‘fake passive aggressive bitch’ back in my days serving in the military. Why did this woman feel this way about me? “Because I didn’t speak my mind” or “say it like it is”. Now, as I dissect this accusation, I can see that she was triggered by my quiet personality, she did not trust it. Why was I quiet? Was I ‘fake’? Does quiet mean fake? Quiet, in my case came from my southern roots and my childhood trauma. But who’s asking?!

     Not all women are that aggressive, some say nothing at all but silently burn/ brood with hate and envy over a female that may jab at her insecurities for whatever reason. There is a lot that we (women) can do for ourselves if we can combat these hateful urges that stem from deep rooted insecurities. It is not our fault that society forced us to hate ourselves and compete. It is our fault, if we do not acknowledge this pain, process it, address it and fight to undo the damage and wrongs it has caused. We owe it to ourselves to remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about our minds, bodies and spirit, society was wrong for demanding perfection out of humans.

My challenge for women

  • Stop judging It turns out that the more we judge ourselves, the more we judge others. Also, the more we judge others, the more we judge ourselves. It is cyclical. There are absolutely some things we have a right to be upset about, but the way other women choose to look, behave, or express themselves is rarely one of them. It rarely has impact. If it does impact us strongly, we need to ask ourselves why it hurts us vs judge the one that is provoking that insecurity. Chances are that other women doesn’t even realize she is provoking anyone’s insecurity, she is just doing her thing! Recognize judging for what it is: a defense mechanism that eases our pain temporarily but deepens insecurities in the long run.
  • Learn Self Love Evaluate whether we may have an inner critic. That evil voice that pops up, sometimes daily, telling us all the things we are bad at, wrong for and should be ashamed of. We need to combat this critic with an inner cheerleader. We need to give ourselves more positive affirmations vs negative ones. When the inner critic pops back up (and it will often) continue to combat it with the inner cheerleader. This must be a daily and consistent thing.
  • Stop comparing This whole notion that we should “look like this girl” or “look like this to win over some guy” or “look like that so that we will be happy” really and truly needs to STOP. There are literally no two humans in the world with 100% exact DNA, except maybe a clone… has that happened yet? Anyways, we can always alter our bodies with exercise and diet, however, we cannot change our genetic code. To some extent, we are what we are, and we should not be blamed/ shamed for our genetics. Anyone that makes us feel wrong for not looking like someone else should be blamed and perhaps needs counseling.
  • Be who you want to be unapologetically The more free people become to do what makes them happy without feeling shame, the less they give a shit about anything else. Especially what others have to say about it. The reality is, women are expected to be certain things: Moms, elegant, well dressed, soft spoken, certain professions that are ‘womanly’, submissive, a specific body type (changes from generation to generation) etc. Though we may be expected to be certain things, it does not mean we want to be that. We instead, should do what we want to do, and the moment we are shamed for it, block out the haters. To be ourselves unapologetically often requires us to make sure our crowd is positive, motivating, and non-manipulative. No arguing necessary, no asking permission necessary. When we are grown and pay our own bills, we can be ourselves.

Self-Care, all day, every day, like your life depends on it

Elisa A. Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-17-2020

“The most important decision you will ever make, is whether or not you will continue hating yourself” -EaE

Let us be honest, life is kicking our asses, now more than ever. I am going to encourage everyone to do things differently. Unlike what our parents, family members, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and boss tell us, I often insist self-care be our number one priority. Above money, above work, above everyone and everything else we know. We need not only ‘remember self-care’ sometimes, but we need to practice it like our life depends on it. In a perfect world mental health, cultural sensitivity and self-care would be taught in public school. Unfortunately, we are taught how to stress ourselves out physically, mentally, and emotionally, but we are not taught how to counteract the pain that comes with this type of lifestyle. To be honest, if I had read this intro in my teens or young adulthood I would have laughed and rolled my eyes. Now is different, now I am thirty years old and have received a few mental health diagnoses, have dealt with plenty of burnout episodes, physical pain due to natural aging, and fantasizing about living off of the grid and hiding from adultlike responsibilities.

     My norm in my teens and early twenties was to work, study and workout like my life depended on it. Any amount of space in my day was not acceptable. My new norm, now that I am a bit wiser is ‘self-care, all day, everyday like my life depends on it.’ Honestly, because it does depend on it. Some people may say that they do not have the time or luxury to practice self-care as they have jobs, kids, classes etc. However, that is exactly why we do need self-care! Jobs, classes, kids, chores etc. We do not thrive due to the amount of chronic stress we put ourselves through, we thrive when we do things that are good for our mental, physical, and spiritual health. Unfortunately, there are quite a few barriers that often lead us to constantly forget our self-care or neglect it completely.

Barriers to Self-Care:

  • Financial strain
  • Family demands
  • Work
  • Addictions
  • Toxic peers
  • Shame/ Self-Sabotage

     This list loosely covers and encompasses the majority of what get’s in the way of daily self-care. Want a nap? No time, there’s work or kids. Want some time off? No, there is still a school assignment to finish. Want to have a nice vacation? Unfortunately, we may not be able to afford it. Want to get over an addiction? How else will we cope without a ‘medicine’ that has been proven to be one of the only things that gets us through the day?! How else can we handle the life demands and stressors without getting our ‘fix’ of (fill in the blank). Want to enjoy some time in solitude? Oh, but that friend who needs help and to get bailed out of a bind they created is soliciting our help, yet again. Want to have a good and fun joy filled day with no care in the world? No, we do not deserve it. We are not good enough and must do more to be ‘worthy’ of fun or time off.

     To improve our self-care, we must identify the barriers, make modifications and/ or boundaries, and learn to reduce our shame so that we know we deserve better than the stress filled life we currently have. We also need to commit ourselves to daily self-care rituals so that we may have long term benefits. For example, one day of healthy eating will not counteract 364 days of unhealthy eating. One hour of time off may not be enough if we are constantly working/ juggling life demands. We may need to allow ourselves more breaks keeping in mind that breaks do not have to be expensive!

     Sometimes self-care is met with an “I can’t” attitude as well as an “I have no choice” mentality/ stuck point. Which leads to my next new big life expression: “Something has got to give”. When I am overwhelmed from juggling too many things at once, instead of forcing myself to do it anyways, I now stop and say, “something has got to give”. What must I give up and for what? Okay, honestly, I can give up my clothes shopping habit if it means I can pay my bills better and stress less about not having a savings account! I can give up cable since streaming is cheaper and I am barely home anyways, it saves me more. I do not necessarily need a side job, because if I live more frugally, then I will not have to deal with the burden of an excessive workload. Yes, I can give up the next couple hours on social media and read a book, my eyes and mind could use a break from the screen and the anxiety/ anger provoking content. I am exhausted but the apartment is a mess. Well I guess maybe I am not cleaning it right away; I do not have to do everything all the time. I do not have to be perfect.

     One thing to keep in mind is self-care requires our personal permission to give ourselves a break when times get hard. It requires us to remember to do something good for us, even in small increments. Sometimes I shadowbox or do laps around my office between therapy sessions. Even if we only have 3 minutes, we should be thinking self-care in that three-minute timeframe. Color, pushups, squats, walk, deep breath, meditate, call a friend, journal, take an ultra-power nap. Whatever our bodies/ minds tell us.

     Are your days balanced?

(evaluate how many hours are spent in each category and use as your own personal reference)

Exercise/ Friends/ Outings/ Chores/ Errands/ screen time/ Sleep/ Family time/ Alone time/ Hygiene/ Intimacy/ Studying/ Labor/ Caregiving/ Consuming

     A part of mental health is acknowledging the things we do or let others do, that hurt us. It is important that we are honest with ourselves without shame. We are all human and sometimes we sabotage our self-care for ‘the greater good’. To make it through long hard days, we have a responsibility and dire need to put ourselves first. Yes! Even parents, a child requires 110% and they cannot be taken care of with an adult that is at 50%. The purpose is to make improvements so that we may try to avoid a cycle of chronic misery and decomposing. Self-care, as often as we can, every day.

Tearing down Walls

Elisa A Escalante/ LMSW/ 5-13-2020

“Sometimes all it takes is one wrong saying, assumption or tone of voice, and that person may never want to open up to you again.” -EaE

My job, before therapy even starts, is to tear down emotional/ mental barriers. What are people protecting themselves from when they create these walls? It depends on who you ask, but in many cases there’s a vulnerability associated with emotional expression that many do not want to risk. Especially men, especially military men.

Six years working in military mental health meant going against a system that stigmatized emotions. It meant being a perceived threat to “stoic” men who as individuals, were taught and raised to believe its “weakness” to let down the walls. The more I gave therapy to men, admittingly, the deeper my empathy became for them. How lonely/hard it must be to not be able to cry even? No fear, no depression, no anxiety….? Deep down if they are human of course they felt these things, but no one could know. Anger and happiness was acceptable, but many other emotions forbidden. Accompany this with the constant pressure to provide for a family and always have their shit together, it’s no wonder they are always “ok”.

The other factor was that me, a woman, absolutely CANNOT know of or hear about these struggles they face. They absolutely do not want to talk about their emotions, erectile dysfunctions, strip club & prostitute addictions, and suicidal thoughts with a woman. Walls and barriers, more than ever. Met with rage if I asked the right questions … the ones that hit too deep and threatened the wall.

“Mental health is for crazy people”

“How will talking about it help? It just makes it feel worse”

“I’ll be fine”

“Other people have it worse”

“You wouldn’t understand, you’re just in the Air Force”

“You wouldn’t understand, you work in an office”

“You wouldn’t understand, you’re too young.”

“No offense, but women…..”

“Shouldn’t I talk about positive things since I’m in therapy?”

“What are you going to do for me? I’m still going to be in war when this session is over.”

“Nothing I say will fix this”

“I don’t need help, I was ordered to get help by my command”

A few other incredibly useful distraction/ avoidance techniques many clients might use include: heavy political discussion, humor, sports, gossiping about others and/ or saving/ rescuing others. The reality is I’ve seen and heard most of the tricks. From my experience some of the hardest people to break are military men especially in infantry and special forces. As well as anyone in a caregiver or first responder role, as those roles are full of people that are often saturated with survivors guilt/ savior complexes.

Techniques for tearing down walls:

⁃ Dont be pushy. Curiosity is okay, nosiness and pushiness is desperate and off putting.

⁃ Build trust and rapport

⁃ Be human

⁃ Be judgement free

⁃ Remind them you are their regardless of any “slip ups” relapses or episodes

⁃ We never say we understand. We truly dont!

⁃ Don’t pretend to have all the answers

⁃ Listen more, talk less

⁃ Don’t be phony. This includes being too touchy feely, or too robotic/ overly professional

Walls must get torn down before therapy can even begin to happen. Walls must be torn down before true friendships and relationships can happen as well. If someone is guarded, it’s important not to blame or rush them. Guardedness is not a coincidence. It’s taught and sometimes exacerbated with life traumas and betrayals and in turn, trust issues. It’s also socially pressured, especially in our men. After all, how can they be these strong, brave, independent individuals if they need help? Then, although modern day military encourages troops to seek mental health services, it still isn’t a “good look”. Unfortunately most walls will stay up to some extent while someone is still serving in the military, there’s just too much to risk when it comes to their reputation and career.

What we need to know:

⁃ Mental health is not a threat and walls are gently taken down at the pace a client is comfortable with

⁃ Emotions are a human response to our external and internal experiences and stressors. Ignoring them goes against human nature.

⁃ It’s not about forcing anyone to cry or have a breakdown. People can still have crying spells on their own time and use talk therapy for working toward solutions.

⁃ Processing/ sharing emotions can help us a) identify barriers b) solicit feedback c) self advocate d) obtain resources e) decrease mental and physiological symptoms

⁃ Everything society has taught us about denial & silence helping us “put things behind us”, was completely and undeniably inaccurate

Why silence/ suppression fail:

⁃ it’s impossible to get a third party perspective or any type of help with silence

⁃ Zero self advocacy means no additional resources

⁃ Silence creates an incredible amount of miscommunication which leads to more arguments and stress

⁃ Anyone who is silent is left to be the judge and jury of everything they have ever done or have thought about doing. (Suffering in isolation)

⁃ Silence leaves everyone that knows us ‘guessing’ what they think the issue/ solution is. They will likely be wrong if they have no info.

Worst case scenarios of suffering in silence post trauma/ griefs:

⁃ exacerbated mental illnesses

⁃ Substance abuse/ addiction

⁃ Rage build up

⁃ Legal issues

⁃ Occupational stress

⁃ Disconnect from peers, family & intimate relationships

⁃ Homicidal & suicidal ideation or attempts

If anyone finds themselves wanting to remove their walls but aren’t sure how, they wouldn’t be alone in that. It takes time, practice, patience, vulnerability and awkwardness. Opening up is whatever we want it to be, there are no rigid rules. Only willingness and execution are needed to progress in the skill of emotional expression. It’s important to note that holding back tears is just as unnatural as holding back a smile/ laughter. I challenge anyone reading this to try and do that the next time they find something funny. All emotions count.

“A man will kill someone before he will ever speak his pain.” -EaE